Hordes: Exigence fluff abridged

exigency
[ek-si-juh n-see, ig-zij-uh n-]
noun, plural exigencies.
1.
exigent state or character; urgency.
2.
Usually, exigencies. the need, demand, or requirement intrinsic to a circumstance, condition, etc.:
the exigencies of city life.
3.
a case or situation that demands prompt action or remedy; emergency:

SO WITH THAT SHIT OUT OF THE WAY I HUMBLY PRESENT

EXIGENCE FLUFF ABRIDGED BY ANONYMOUS: CAPS LOCK HARDER

*WE OPEN UP WITH TROLLBLOODS BEING TSUNDERE TO EACH OTHER, BECAUSE KIDS LOVE THAT SHIT*

DOOMSHAPER: MADRAK I HAVE DECIDED THAT IF I WANTED A HUGE VAGINA AROUND I WOULD HAVE INVITED YOUR WIFE INSTEAD

BORKA: BOOSH

DOOMSHAPER: THEREFORE I RELEASE YOU FROM YOUR OBLIGATIONS, RETURN AND BE A HUGE PUSSY AMONGST YOUR PEOPLE WHILE I TRY TO FIND A TROLLBLOOD GARGANTUAN WITH A MAT OF 6

MADRAK: THANKS

I THINK

DOOMSHAPER: GO AHEAD AND TAKE THE BARELY-CONTROLLABLE MOUNTAIN KINGS WITH YOU FOR THE 600-MILE HIKE HOME THEY MIGHT CAUSE ENOUGH SHIT ALONG THE WAY THAT YOUR BALLS DECIDE TO DROP

MADRAK: ALRIGHT WHILE WE'RE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY SNIPING AT EACH OTHER LIKE AN OLD CHINESE COUPLE GO AHEAD AND TAKE BORKA HIS DRUNKEN CRIPPLE ANTICS WILL BE OF GREAT USE TO YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF BUGFUCK NOWHERE

DOOMSHAPER: FUCK

BORKA: WHAT'S A CHINESE

*MEANWHILE AT THE SAME CIRCLE/LEGION SCRUM THAT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR LIKE THE PAST 3 BOOKS*

BLIGHTERGHAST: KRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR ARE THE ARCHANGELS DEAD YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET

KRUEGER: WE'RE A LITTLE TOO BUSY FIGHTING NOT TO LOSE CONTROL OF EVERYTHING WE'VE WORKED TOWARDS YOU GIANT BITCHY FUCK

BLIGHTERGHAST: KILL THE ARCHANGELS OR I'M LEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

KRUEGER: HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN THEIR STAT CARDS WHY IS THIS EVEN IMPORTANT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO REMOVE THE SCOURGE OF THE SIEGE ANIMANTARAX FROM THE WORLD WHILE I'M AT IT

*NOW A DAILY DEAL YET AGAIN ON MINIATURE MARKET AT A BELOW-WHOLESALE PRICE PLEASE BUY THEM GUYS WE DISCOUNTED THEM ONE WHOLE POINT IN YET ANOTHER SKORNE TIER LIST*

BLIGHTERGHAST: BUT THEY COULD BE BUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

KRUEGER: IT TOOK 4 YEARS FOR RHYAS' FUCKING SWORD TO GET REACH, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT THIS

BLIGHTERGHAST: WE'RE DRAGONS THAT'S LIKE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS TO US

...

(ALSO BRO BETWEEN YOU AND ME CHARSAUG GOT HIS ASS BEAT BY THEM AND HE'S SUPER FUCKING TUSHY TUSSLED ABOUT IT)

KRUEGER: WHAT

BLIGHTERGHAST: SO UH YEAH I'M KIND OF SICK OF HEARING HIM CRY ABOUT IT CAN YOU GO TALK TO HIM AND TELL HIM TO STOP BEING SUCH A MADRAK IRONHIDE

KRUEGER: FINE

*WE NOW JOIN THE SKORNE INEXPLICABLY DOING SOMETHING NOT RETARDED*

MORGHOUL: SO HAVE WE TAKEN OVER THESE IOSAN MINES YET

DAKAR: NO LORD ASSASSIN BECAUSE THE DEFENDERS ARE DUG IN AND ROOTING THEM OUT WILL CAUSE US TO SUFFER UNACCEPTABLE CASUALTIES

INSTEAD I HAVE ASKED OUR CHYMISTS TO USE OUR STOCKPILES TO CREATE SLEEPING GAS TO SECURE THE MINES WITH MINIMAL CASUALTIES ENSURING BOTH A LARGER SUPPLY OF SLAVES AND PRESERVING THE BULK OF OUR FORCES FOR THE FIGHTING AHEAD

*A VERY LONG AWKWARD PAUSE ENSUES*

DAKAR: HAVE I DISPLEASED YOU LORD ASSASSIN

MORGHOUL: NO ACTUALLY I'M JUST STUNNED THAT THERE'S SOMEBODY IN THIS FACTION WHOSE SOLUTION TO A PROBLEM DOESN'T INVOLVE "THROW BODIES AT IT" OR "MUH HOKSUNE" OR "DROP A MAMMOTH ON IT"

IN FACT I'M SO FUCKING IMPRESSED I'M GOING TO DO SOME NINJA GAIDEN SHIT AND SOLO ONE OF THESE MINES FOR YOU

DAKAR: NEAT

*AND NOW HOW TO WRITE POLITICAL INTRIGUE THE PP WAY STEP 1 CREATE A CHARACTER THAT'S A MANIPULATIVE DOUCHEY COCKBAG*

CALABAN: HEY GUYS WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT

*STEP 2 CREATE A SECOND CHARACTER WHO'S A BIGGER COCKBAG THAN THE FIRST*

JAGA-JAGA: HEY BARNABAS KOSSK HAS SPOKEN TO ME AND TOLD ME THAT YOU SHOULD GO OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE BLOODSTONE MARCHES AND HAVE A BIG FIGHT WITH SOME PIGS AND TROLLS FOR NO REASON

ALSO KOSSK TOTALLY WANTS TO BE YOUR BRO AND HOPES YOU BECOME A GOD SO THAT YOU TWO CAN GET TOGETHER AND BRO-FIST WHILE YOU FUCK BITCHES

*STEP 3 MAKE THE FIRST CHARACTER ACT LIKE AN INCOMPETENT RETARD WHENEVER THEY ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE SECOND CHARACTER*

BARNABAS: THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA THAT IS NOT SUSPICOUS AT ALL RIGHT CALABAN

CALABAN: HURR DURR I DROPPED MY MASK IN TROG SHIT AND NOW IT SMELLS FUNNY

BARNABAS: EXACTLY

*SHIT SON WE GEORGE R.R. MARTIN NOW*

*NOW FOR BORKA'S ROUTE TO SHOW YOU THAT HE'S NOT ALL ABOUT THE THREE B'S*

*JUST MOSTLY ABOUT THEM*

DOOMSHAPER: HEY BORKA YOUR GRANDMA IS DYING YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO SEE HER BEFORE SHE GETS RAPED TO DEATH BY A RAVAGORE OR SOMETHING

BORKA: OH NO *RUNS*

GRANDMA: JUST KIDDING I'M FINE

BORKA: YOU'RE SUCH A HORSE CUNT GRAN-GRAN ARE THEY TRYING TO USE YOU TO GET ME TO PAY MY CHILD SUPPORT AGAIN

GRANDMA: NO THEY'VE ALREADY FIGURED OUT HOW TO GARNISH YOUR WAGES FOR THAT

BORKA: FUCK REALLY DHUNIA-DAMNIT I THOUGHT FOR SURE THAT I WAS MAKING DEPOSITS BELOW THE REPORTING THRESHOLD

GRANDMA: ANYWAY YOU NEVER CALL YOU NEVER WRITE AND YOU DON'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOUR KIN TO STOP THEM GETTING EATEN BY A MONSTER

BORKA: DON'T YOU SEE GRAN-GRAN WE ARE ALL KIN ALL OF US NORTHERNERS AND SOUTHERNERS TOGETHER AND IT IS ONLY BY REALIZING THE BONDS OF OUR BLOOD THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO UNIFY AGAINST OUR COMMON FOE UNTIL THE THREAT PASSES AND OUR TRIVIAL DIFFERENCES DRIVE US APART ALL OVER AGAIN

NOW WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT A MONSTER

*AND SO BORKA RIDES OUT ON A BEAR THAT HE ACQUIRED THROUGH THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AND/OR NARRATIVE EXPEDIENCY TO CONFRONT THE GREAT EVIL THREATENING HIS HOME KRIEL WITH A SMALL NUMBER OF HIS CHILDREN IN TOW, SOME OF WHOM HE EVEN KNOWS*

BORKA: I'VE ALWAYS BEEN PROUD OF YOU...SON...GUY

LILANDRA: DAD I'M A GIRL

BORKA: OF COURSE YOU ARE SON

NYSS: BOOGA BOOGA

BORKA: OKAY THIS ISN'T SO BAD

*SUDDENLY THE MONSTER MAKES ITS DRAMATIC ENTRANCE*

THRONE OF EVERBLIGHT: HURK BLARG

*DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN*

BORKA: OKAY THIS WAS KIND OF AN UNDERWHELMING DRAMATIC REVEAL TO BE HONEST

LILANDRA: COULD BE WORSE

BORKA: YOU'RE RIGHT IT COULD HAVE BEEN A SIEGE ANIMANTARAX

*PLEASE BUY ONE GUYS WE TRIED TO GIVE THEM AWAY BUT THE PEOPLE AT GOODWILL TOLD US THAT THEY DON'T ACCEPT GARBAGE*

*AND SO A BUNCH OF TROLLKIN, A MELEE WARLOCK ON A GIANT BEAR AND A DIRE TROLL MANAGE TO FUCK UP A THRONE OF EVERBLIGHT JUST IN CASE THERE WAS ANY DOUBT*

*THEY ALSO FUCK UP A LEGION CAMP FULL OF SPAWNING VESSELS AND DEFENSELESS ACOLYTHS TO CONTRAST THE TROLLKIN'S NOBLE SPIRIT AGAINST THE CALLOUS DISREGARD OF THE DRAGON OR SOME SHIT I DUNNO*

BORKA: I THINK WE'VE ALL LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY

LILANDRA: WHAT'S THAT DAD

BORKA: THAT I HAVE BECOME A BETTER TROLLKIN AND A DEEPER, MORE THOUGHTFUL CHARACTER BY DOING THE EXACT SAME THING THAT I WAS INCLINED TO DO ALREADY

LILANDRA: I DON'T THINK THAT EVEN QUALIFIES AS A MORAL

BORKA: CHOKE ON A DICK SON

*MEANWHILE AT A RANDOM CIRCLE SITE IN THE BLOODSTONE MARCHES BRADIGUS THOLE WONDERS WHY STUPID ASSHOLES KEEP BREAKING HIS SHIT*

BRADIGUS: WHY DO ALL THESE STUPID ASSHOLES KEEP BREAKING MY SHIT

KRUEGER: HEY BRADIGUS REAL QUICK I MAY BE DOING SOMETHING WITH THE LEY LINES THAT YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE

BRADIGUS: YOU STUPID ASSHOLE ARE YOU GOING TO BREAK MY SHIT

KRUEGER: THAT DEPENDS ON HOW YOU DEFINE "YOUR SHIT" AND "BREAKING" AND "ARE"

BRADIGUS: DON'T BREAK MY SHIT YOU STUPID ASSHOLE

KRUEGER: WHOA SORRY YOU'RE BREAKING UP I THINK I LEFT MY WOLDWYRD ON GOTTA GO

BRADIGUS: WURM-DAMNIT HOPEFULLY THERE AREN'T GOING TO BE OTHER STUPID ASSHOLES TRYING TO BREAK MY SHIT TODAY

WOLF OF ORBOROS: RUNECARVER THERE'S A HUGE ARMY OF GATORS OUT HERE FOR NO REASON WHO WANT TO MARCH RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF YOUR SHIT

BRADIGUS: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-

*AND SO BRADIGUS GOES TO NEGOTIATE WITH THE BLINDWATER CONGREGATION UTILIZING ALL THE CUNNING AND GULE FOR WHICH THE BLACKCLADS ARE FAMED*

JAGA-JAGA: HEY DILDOCARVER BARNABAS HAS A BRO-FIST WITH DESTINY SO GET YOUR SHIT OUT OF THE WAY BEFORE WE RUIN YOUR SHIT

BRADIGUS: -UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

*AFTER CAREFUL NEGOTIATIONS FAIL TO RESOLVE THE IMPASSE BRADIGUS PREPARES TO DEFEND HIS SITE ONLY TO BE INTERCEPTED BY TREES IN THE MIST*

CASSIUS: HEED THE WISDOM OF WURMWOOD, CONSCIOUS MANIFESTATION OF THE BEAST OF ALL SHAPES

BRADIGUS: ARE YOU HERE TO BREAK MY SHIT TOO

cASSIUS: I SPEAK TO YOU NOW THE WORDS OF THE ANCIENT OMNIPOTENT PREPOSTEROUS: "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY GET OUT THE WAY BITCH GET OUT THE WAY"

BRADIGUS: ONLY IF YOU MAKE THOSE STUPID ASSHOLES WIPE THEIR FEET FIRST

CASSIUS: ONLY IF YOU'LL STOP BEING SUCH A MADRAK IRONHIDE

*WE NOW JOIN THE SKORNE FOR BARBAROSSA 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO*

XERXIS: WOW WE ARE GETTING OUR SHIT SLAPPED BY ELVES

LORAAK: YEAH WHO KNEW ATTACKING AN ENEMY DEEP IN HIS OWN TERRITORY WITH MINIMAL INTELLIGENCE WHILE OUR SUPPLY LINES ARE STRETCHED DANGEROUSLY THIN WAS A BAD IDEA

XERXIS: INDEED, BUT WE ARE FORTUNATE THAT IF SUCH A THING COULD ESCAPE THE NOTICE OF THE GREATEST MILITARY MINDS OF THE SKORNE HOW MUCH MORE SO FOR OUR ENEMIES

...NEPHEW YOU'RE MAKING THAT STRANGE FACE AGAIN

LORAAK: FORGIVE ME UNCLE IT WAS ONLY GAS

XERXIS: STRENGTH NEPHEW, FOR OUR ENEMY IS BUT A COLOSSUS WITH A FEET OF CLAY

NOW LET US GO VISIT THAT COHORT THAT HAS BEEN NEARLY DESTROYED BY GUERILLA ATTACKS FROM FIVE IOSAN TODDLERS

*AND SO*

DAKAR: THEY KEEP USING STUFF LIKE "TACTICS" AND "CEDING MEANINGLESS GROUND TO BUY TIME AND FURTHER HARRY OUR FORCES" AND "ATTACKING IN THE DARK"

THIS SHIT ISN'T HOKSUNE IT ISN'T HOKSUNE AT ALL

XERXIS: FEAR NOT WE WILL DRAG THEM DOWN TO OUR LEVEL AND BEAT THEM WITH EXPERIENCE

*THE GROUNDWORK IS LAID FOR XERXIS' MOST CUNNING PLAN EVER*

XERXIS: HEY YOU PONCY TREE-HUGGING FUCKS GET OUT HERE AND FIGHT LIKE MEN OR I'M GOING TO KILL ALL THESE IOSAN CAPTIVES WHILE YOU WATCH

*STONY SILENCE*

XERXIS: I'LL ALSO ABANDON THESE KITTENS

IOSANS: OMG

*THE SHEER HORROR OF XERXIS' ACTIONS CAUSES THE IOSAN LINES TO CHARGE IN A DISORDERED SUICIDAL ATTACK, UNAWARE THAT THEY FACE THE MASTERS OF SUCH CRAFT*

IOSAN WARCASTER: WOW THIS WAS A BAD IDEA

XERXIS: 1V1 ME BRO

IOSAN WARCASTER: WELL SHIT

*THEY FIGHT, BUT THE IOSAN MANAGES A SUDDEN REVERSAL BY DECAPITATING THE TYRANT IN ONE FELL STROKE AND CAUSING THE ENTIRE SKORNE ARMY TO BALK AND FLEE, PROVIDING THE BELEAGURED IOSANS THE OPENING THEY NEED TO FLANK MAKEDA'S ARMY AND DRIVE THE SKORNE FROM THE FORESTS OF IOS*










*AHAHAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING XERXIS TOTALLY PUSHES THE DUDE'S SHIT IN*

LORAAK: ANOTHER BRILLIANT BATTLE UNCLE

XERXIS: INDEED WE SUSTAINED ONLY 50 PERCENT CASUALTIES A NEW RECORD FOR THE SKORNE EMPIRE

LORAAK: BUT UNCLE WE STILL HAVE NOT ACHIEVED OUR GOAL AS THE AERYTH DAWNGUARD STILL STANDS AND THE SUPREME ARCHDOMINA ORDERED US TO "GET RID OF THAT SHIT"

XERXIS: YOU ARE CORRECT NEPHEW BUT A WISE COMMANDER KNOWS TO UNDERSTAND THE HEART OF HIS RULER AND NOT JUST HER WORDS

LORAAK: ...ISN'T THAT JUST BULLSHIT FOR "WE DIDN'T WANT TO ATTACK BECAUSE IT WAS TOO HARD SO WE DECIDED TO RAPE AND PILLAGE SOME VILLAGES INSTEAD"

XERXIS: YOU'LL MAKE A FINE TYRANT ONE DAY

NOW GO GET ME DAKAR DIRLEWANGER ALL THIS SODOMY ISN'T GOING TO COMMIT ITSELF

*WHILE XERXIS IS BUSY SETTING FIRE TO ORPHANAGES LET'S GO OVER TO EVERBLIGHT WHO IS FEELING LEFT OUT THAT ALL THE OTHER DRAGONS ARE ACTING RETARDED AND HAS DECIDED TO JOIN IN*

EVERBLIGHT: OKAY ABSYLONIA YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT WON'T CRY OR COMPLAIN NO MATTER WHAT SORTS OF FREAKY SHIT I ASK YOU TO DO SO GO DISTRACT VENETHRAX LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO CONTINUE FEEDING MY TINY ARMY TO OUR NUMEROUS ENEMIES PIECEMEAL

ABSYLONIA: OKAY ETHRUNBAL-NII CHAN <3

EVERBLIGHT: SERIOUSLY THOUGH DON'T CALL ME THAT IT'S FUCKING WEIRD

ABSYLONIA: I AM UNTROUBLED BY MORTAL CONCERNS AND ONLY WISH TO BASK IN YOUR GLORY, UGUU~

*AND SO ABSYLONIA BLISSFULLY GOES TO HER DEATH*

VAYL: A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME MASTER

EVERBLIGHT: YES WHAT

VAYL: SO YOU SENT ABSYLONIA TO FIGHT LICH LORD VENETHRAX

EVERBLIGHT: YES

VAYL: THE WYRMSLAYER

EVERBLIGHT: YES

VAYL: THE MOST FEARED AND LOATHED OF ALL LICH LORDS AMONGST THE DRAGONS FOR HE KNOWS THINGS ABOUT THEM THAT THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THEMSELVES

EVERBLIGHT: YES

VAYL: YOU SENT AS A DISTRACTION SOMEONE CARRYING A PART OF YOUR ATHANC

EVERBLIGHT: YES

VAYL: YOU SENT AS A DISTRACTION SOMEONE CARRYING A PART OF YOUR ATHANC WHO WILL MOST CERTAINLY DIE AND FALL INTO THE HANDS OF OUR MOST DANGEROUS CRYXIAN ENEMY

EVERBLIGHT: IS THIS GOING SOMEWHERE

VAYL: WHO WILL KILL HER ASS AND PULL HER APART AND FIGURE OUT HOW WE TICK AND THEN FEED YOUR ATHANC SHARD TO THE DRAGONFATHER BEFORE HE RETURNS TO PULL THE REST OF YOUR ATHANC SHARDS OUT THROUGH OUR COLONS

EVERBLIGHT: I DON'T SEE THE-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

YEAH I GUESS THAT IS A PRETTY BAD IDEA WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO EARLIER

VAYL: I DID

I SAID "MASTER THIS IS FUCKING RETARDED" AND YOU SAID "NOT NOW SAERYN IS SUCKING THE POISON OUT OF RHYAS' WOUND AND MOVING HER LIPS UP THE INSIDE OF HER CALF AS SHE DOES IT"

EVERBLIGHT: YEAH THAT WAS PRETTY HOT

*AND TO THE SURPRISE OF NO ONE ABSYLONIA GETS HER ASS BEAT AS PROTEUS DROPS HIS SPAGHETTI EVERYWHERE*

*VENETHRAX TOWERS OVER HER BROKEN BODY AND LEANS DOWN*

VENETHRAX: I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME SPAWN OF THE DRAGONFATHER BEFORE I TAKE YOUR SERVANT'S LIFE I WANT YOU TO KNOW ONE THING

I AM GOING TO FUCK YOUR WAIFU

EVERBLIGHT: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

*EVERBLIGHT USES DRACONIC ENERGY ON ABSYLONIA*

*WHAT?  ABSYLONIA IS EVOLVING!*

ABSYLONIA: ONII-CHAN MY HIP BONES ARE MOVING ON THEIR OWN :3

EVERBLIGHT: OH FUCK EVERYTHING

*HALE, HEALTHY AND EVEN MORE MUTATED ABSYLONIA TAKES TO THE SKIES ESCAPING CERTAIN DEATH AT THE HANDS OF THE LICH LORD THANKS TO THE POWER OF LOVE AND ALSO DRAGON ROIDS*

ABSYLONIA: DON'T FORGET PROTEUS-KUN

EVERBLIGHT: GREAT WHATEVER

*AND WITH THAT WE JOIN LORD CARVER IN HIS ATTEMPTS TO GIVE THE OBJECT OF HIS AFFECTION THE BMMD*

HELGA: IT IS AN UNUSUAL HONOR TO SEE YOU LORD CARVER WHAT BRINGS YOU SO FAR FROM YOUR HOLDINGS TO MY LANDS

CARVER: I WANT YOU TO SWALLOW MY SEMEN

HELGA: UH

MIDAS: I BELIEVE LORD CARVER WISHES TO ENTER INTO AN ALLIANCE WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE STRONG ENOUGH TO BEAR HIS CHILDREN AND ALSO BECAUSE "YOU PACK MUCH BACK"

HIS WORDS NOT MINE

CARVER: I AM ALSO DOWN FOR CUDDLING

HELGA: WOW THIS IS QUITE AN INTRIGUING OFFER YES INTRIGUING IS THE WORD I WAS LOOKING FOR HOW ABOUT WE GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER BY RAIDING SOME PISSANT HUMAN TOWN FIRST

CARVER: DOES THIS MEAN WE CAN HAVE SEX AFTERWARDS

HELGA: MAYBE

CARVER: ALRIGHT POUNDTOWN HERE I COME

*SO THEY ATTACK A HUMAN VILLAGE WHICH IS PROTECTED BY THE BLACKCLADS*

DRUID: HEY RETARDS STOP THIS SHIT

CARVER: WHY

DRUID: BECAUSE OUR ANGRY TREE SAID SO

*OFF IN THE DISTANCE SITS WURMWOOD DOING TREE SHIT*

HELGA: OH FUCK

MIDAS: THAT IS THE TREE OF FATE THIS IS NO IDLE THREAT

CARVER: OH PLEASE HE'S A SHIT WARLOCK

DRUID: HOW ABOUT YOU GO NORTH AND FUCK UP SOME TROLLKIN INSTEAD THEY HAVE BETTER DROPS AND THIS IS TOTALLY NOT AN ATTEMPT TO MANIPULATE YOU TO OUR OWN ENDS

CARVER: EVEN I KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME

DRUID: IT'LL IMPRESS YOUR NOT-GIRLFRIEND AND HELP YOU GRADUATE FROM YOUR VIRGINITY

CARVER: DEAL

HELGA: WOW MIDAS DID YOU REALLY BEND KNEE TO THIS RETARD

MIDAS: I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU I MIGHT HAVE BEEN REALLY FUCKED UP ON ANIMANTARAX LIVER AT THE TIME

*WHILE CARVER LOOKS FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES WE RETURN TO KRUEGER PLAYING DRAGON THERAPIST*

CHARSAUG: THEY HIT ME THEY ACTUALLY HIT ME FUCK THIS SHIT I'M GOING HOME

KRUEGER: SETTLE DOWN SPAZ I HAVE A GREAT PLAN

CHARSAUG: WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO BLIGHTERGHAST AND WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU

KRUEGER: LOOK YOU CAN'T FIND EVERBLIGHT BECAUSE HE HID HIMSELF IN A PLACE NO OTHER DRAGON WOULD BE CAUGHT DEAD LURKING

ELF VAGINAS

*ASHNEPHOS DOES MENTOK MIND-TAKING ON KRUEGER*

ASHNEPHOS: OH MY DRAGONFATHER HE'S ACTUALLY SERIOUS

KRUEGER: SO ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS INFECT THE LEY LINES WITH DRAGON CANCER AND PUT THE VERY SOURCE OF MY ORDER'S POWER AT RISK SO THAT I CAN USE IT TO TRACK THE MOVEMENT OF EVERBLIGHT'S SHARDS I AM FAIRLY SURE IT WILL MAYBE WORK

CHARSAUG: THIS IS COMPLETELY RETA--BRILLIANT

WE SHOULD INFECT EVERYTHING WITH DRAGON CANCER GEE WHIZ HUMAN I WISH WE DRAGONS WERE AS SMART AS YOU

KRUEGER: I KNOW RIGHT

*MEANWHILE MAKEDA AND HER GENERALS DEBATE THE MERIT OF TAKING MOSC...IRYSS IN LIGHT OF RECENT IOSAN MOVEMENTS*

EVERY OTHER SKORNE: DERP DERP DERP DERP MY HOKSUNE

MARKETH: SUPREME ARCHDOMINA HAKAAR WISHES TO SPEAK

MAKEDA: VERY WELL

HAKAAR: SUPREME ARCHDOMINA ADVANCE ON MOSC...IRYSS AND YOU WILL DESTROY THEM ALL IN ONE FELL SWOOP

MAKEDA: THEY HAVE TWO ARMIES ADVANCING ON US OF UNKNOWN SIZE AND SCOPE AND OUR ATTEMPTS AT USING ARCHIDONS FOR "MIDAIR DEPLOYMENT" OF MAMMOTHS HAVE BEEN A MISERABLE FAILURE I THINK IT WOULD BE WISE TO BACK OFF AND CONSOLIDATE OUR POSITION

HAKAAR: MOSC...IRYSS WILL BE THE SPARK BY WHICH THIS LAND CAN BE MADE TO BURN

MAKEDA: DIDN'T YOU DIE BECAUSE YOU BIT OFF MORE THAN YOU COULD CHEW AGAINST A BUNCH OF CATAPHRACTS

HAKAAR: ...MAYBE

MAKEDA: YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING NOT-STUPID IN THE HOPES THAT THE ANCESTORS (PLURAL HAKAAR TAKE NOTE) WILL REWARD US FOR NOT BEING RETARDED FOR ONCE

*HAHAHAHAHAHA OH MAKEDA YOU SO SILLY*

*AND NOW WE JOIN MADRAK FOR THE CLIMACTIC BATTLE OF THE BOOK BECAUSE WE SHOULD HAVE ONE IN A BOOK NAMED "EXIGENCE"*

TROLLKIN: YEAH WE TOTALLY SHOWED THAT DAIRY FARM WHO WEARS THE ASSLESS CHAPS AROUND HERE

*OR NOT*

MADRAK: I AM THE GREATEST CHIEFTAN THE TROLLBLOODS HAVE EVER KNOWN AND I HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO SHAKING DOWN FARMERS TO KEEP MY FULL RETARD GARGANTUANS FED AND NOMINALLY UNDER CONTROL MAYBE DOOMSHAPER IS RIGHT AND I AM A HUGE MADRAK IRONHIDE

GRIM: WHAT YOU JUST SAID DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE

*SUDDENLY A BUNCH OF FOG ROLLS IN OUT OF NOWHERE*

TROLLKIN: FUCK I CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING THROUGH ALL THIS MOTIF

*THE FOG SOON DISSIPATES AS FAST AS IT APPEARED AND MADRAK'S ARMY IS SUDDENLY SOMEWHERE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT*

CALANDRA: YOU ARRIVED JUST AS THE SIGNS FORETOLD

MADRAK: WAIT A SECOND WHAT JUST HAPPENED

GRIM: UH WE TELEPORTED 470 MILES FOR NO APPARENT REASON

CALANDRA: INDEED I SAW A PORTENT OF YOUR ARRIVAL IN MY ALPHABET SOUP THIS MORNING

MADRAK: REALLY WHAT DID IT SAY

CALANDRA: "ALL ACCORDING TO TREEKAKU"

MADRAK: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

CALANDRA: DUNNO BUT I DID SEE A SECOND SIGN

MADRAK: AND WHAT DID THAT SAY

CALANDRA: "I AM GOING TO FUCK YOUR MOUTH"

MADRAK: THAT SOUNDS BAD

CALANDRA: NOT REALLY I GET THAT ONE ALL THE TIME MY EX-BOYFRIEND IS AN ASSHOLE

IN ANY EVENT LET'S ALL PRETEND THAT THIS IS A MIRACLE OF DHUNIA BECAUSE MY BOUNDLESS OPTIMISM DOES NOT ALLOW ME TO ASSUME THAT WE ARE BEING MANIPULATED BY MALEVOLENT FORCES TO ENDS BEYOND OUR COMPREHENSION

MADRAK: UH SURE YEAH LET'S GO WITH THAT

*AND FOR THE LAST PAGE OF THIS BOOK THE OLD WITCH AND WURMWOOD ARE GOING TO SAY VAGUELY OMINOUS THINGS TO EACH OTHER*

OLD WITCH: VORLD-EATERS

WURMWOOD: CHOSEN ORACLE

OLD WITCH: ENDING THINGS

WURMWOOD: PLANTED SEEDS

OLD WITCH: KRUEGER IS TOO CLEVER

WURMWOOD: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

OH FUCK YOU'RE SERIOUS

*THE END...??????*