Susie's Special Helper

Exercise is a pretty good way to take your mind off of things. It's always hard to dwell on stuff when you're heart's racing. My parents told me that one time, and they were right. For the most part. Some things just lingered no matter what. I thought that going on a run with Hedgehog would be the one thing to take my mind off of everything. Especially what happened a few days ago with Susie. I hadn't talked about it with anyone. Not even Pajamas. Nobody could know what was wrong with me. It was weird, and messed up. Hedgehog wouldn't even understand. She would probably try confronting Susie. The last thing that I wanted. This just had to go away with time.

I was all laced up, in my shorts and running shirt. Ready to head out on the running trail that led between here and the middle of the island. Everything looked like it was shaping up to be a pretty good day. Hedgehog was going to be running with me, I could take my mind off things. Maybe if we went slow we could chat while we ran? That would be pretty nice. I could tell her about how Alice had played video games with Max last night and she actually was really good at them. Maybe eventually we could get Alice to come play at my cabin with everyone else. I'd like that, especially after the monster babies incident.

A knock came to my door. I jumped off the bed once I saw it was hedgehog, falling into a stretch.

"Hey! Ready to outrun the sun?" Hedgehog asked, wearing her basketball uniform.

"Yup, I'm ready."

Both of us walked outside. Most of the camp was stuck in their cabins today due to the heat, but I really wanted to take my mind away from Susie. If I stayed in my cabin all I could do was think about it. I had the witch's shirt shoved underneath my mattress, where I had been trying to ignore it as much as possible. It took a lot of willpower though. Trying not to remember.

Soon me and Hedgehog were at the start of the trail. She crouched down, placing her hands in the dirt. I did likewise, planting my foot behind me, while another dug into the earth beneath me. I knew Hedgehog would probably beat me to the end of the trail, but that wasn't the point. I just wanted to run.

"On my mark." She said, then counted down. "Three... Two... One... Go!"

I decided that I would do my best to reach Hedgehog's pace. Sure she was faster than me, and had more endurance, but I should at least try. It all started off pretty well too. It didn't stay that way however. I was moving my legs a bit more than was normal for a leisurely jog. It didn't take longer than thirty seconds for me to realise that I was out of my depth. I was breathing harder than I should be, but I was still trying to keep up with her stride. There was clearly a reason she was so good at sports in general.

Soon I was lagging behind. Thankfully the breeze was strong that day. I was panting, trying to slow my pace to something that I could manage to keep up for the rest of the run. That didn't look like it was going to happen though. Hedgehog was slowly pulling ahead of me, further and further. The dry soil crunching beneath my shoes and the sun beating down on me did little to distract me from that fact. Slowly, I dropped further behind, being about four feet or so behind her now.

Then something happened that pulled me out of the situation. With one breath I was back in Susie's cabin. I was running my fingers through her fur, her back turned to me. Telling me I was doing a good job. Wearing only a towel around her waist. It had only taken a simple smell to yank me back through time. Back to Susie's cabin. The air coming off of Hedgehog in front of me. The smell of sweet, fresh sweat. I saw it glistening on her neck, rolling down her as she shrank into the distance. I slowed my jog... fading to a quick walk, then shuffling my feet. I was left standing there.

This was exactly what I hadn't wanted to happen. Hedgehog dissapeared around the curve of the path, leaving me standing there. I couldn't shake the feeling I had. The horrible shame. The deep rooted disgust I felt with myself. I turned around and began running back home. I didn't want this! Hedgehog shouldn't remind me of Susie. I shouldn't be thinking about Susie it all. She's my camp counsellor! Worse, she was an enormous jerk. I couldn't let this keep happening. But I couldn't tell Hedgehog about this. I couldn't tell anyone. Nobody could know I looked at Susie like that. About the thoughts I had, or the feelings inside me.

A few minutes later I burst through my cabin door. I threw my blinds down and drew the curtains. I locked every entrance, then quickly threw Pajamas into my top drawer. I couldn't let them know either. I sat on my bed and hugged my knees, pushing my face between them. This couldn't be happening. All I could think of was that smell. Warm cinnamon, damp earth and the tangy scent of sweat mingled with everything. It made me feel a fluttering in my chest and a strange sensation in my stomach. Susie standing there, bathing with her back turned to me. The scene consumed my mind's eye completely. It was all I could visualize.

I shouldn't be like this. It was all so wrong. I hugged my knees as tight as I could, tryin to dispel the images from my mind. To no avail. There was no helping me now. I was stuck like this. I felt shame and this new feeling inside of me, both fighting for control. My stomach flipped and I curled my fingers around my ears. This had to stop, I couldn't take it. The stress it was making me feel sick.

Tears started to flow. I wanted to be free of this, but there was nothing I could do. No matter how hard I tried I was pulled back to Susie's cabin, standing in her bathroom. I wanted to fight this but nothing was working. Thinking of my parents, trying to run with Hedgehog, hanging out with Max. None of it did anything. The moment I was alone, or something reminded me, I was back there. Susie had done more than make me her house helper. She'd put these emotions inside of me that I couldn't control. I pulled as hard as I could on my ears. Did this mean I just had to accept it?

The idea hurt me to even consider. It made  me want to hit my pillow until I passed out. No way I could just give in and start thinking about this normally. It was revolting. What else could I do though? Nothing worked. No matter how far I threw myself away from her, I fell back into Susie's gravity. Landing right back in her bathroom on that terrible day. Tears ran down my face by then, and I wiped them. I couldn't accept it. But there was nothing I could do.

An hour passed. Hopelesness began working with this new emotion inside of me, trying to beat the shame into submission. Soon both of them had subdued the other feelings. It left me with an empty sensation in my chest. The embarrassment became muffled and shallow. Like it was only echoing from somewhere deep inside. It had struggled as best it could, but ended up being defeated despite everything. I couldn't take it anymore. There was just nothing to help me. I had to face it. I had to accept the fact that I'd be haunted by this. I heard my decency somewhere inside of me telling me not to. Pleading for me to refuse. I just didn't know what else I could do, though. It was either to continue with this misery, or let myself confront this. I shut my eyes.

It all happened so slowly. I was there, back in Susie's cabin. Standing there while she was having her sand bath. I was facing away from her. I took a deep breath and turned around, letting myself look at her. She was facing away from me. The witch knew I was staring though. She knew everything I did in her presence. She looked nice really. I remember when me and Hedgehog were little. We used to take baths sometimes. The last time I saw a girl like that was over four years ago now. Now it felt different to see someone older than me in the nude. A bit wrong. No small amount of shameful. Those were both emotions I'd lost in the last hour. Instead I stared. I never caught a glimpse at anything indecent, but I knew this was still as wrong as it got.

Soon she turned the handle again. A snap of her fingers, and all the dust in her fur leapt away. It left her looking fluffy and soft. A panel slid out from the bottom of the tub as she stepped backwards. The sound of the sand falling through the grate below told me what would happen next. I looked away. I couldn't go that far. A moment later I heard her bare feet on the tile floor. Then a towel being tied around the cat's waist. Her having a seat. A glass jar being opened. I had already lived through all of this.

I stepped forwards, preparing to relive this nightmare. She held out the jar to me. I took it and began to lather her back with the cinnamon-scented conditioner. At first I did it slowly. Like I had done the first time. As I continued my acceptance overwhelmed me. I couldn't help it. My hands began shaking. I could smell her. She was so close. It conjured so many images into my mind. The thought of lathering the rest of her body started to creep into my subconsciousness. I couldn't resist the pull she had on me. The shameful feelings surged inside of me, but I ignored them. Once I was done with her upper back I shifted down. I leaned in closer and began sniffing at her fur. My embarrassment vanished immediately, to be replaced by a soothing calm. That's what the scent brought me now.

I couldn't control myself. Before long I had abandoned my duty of working the conditioner into her fur. I pushed my trunk between her fluffy shoulders and breathed deep. My whole body rejoiced. I started crying... shivering from head to toe. The tension melted away. The sensation made me release my held breath, but it came out as a pitiful sob. I placed my hands on the small chair she was sitting on, burying my face in her angelically soft coat. All the horrible feelings inside of me vanished. I knew that everything would be okay. There was nothing else I could do. I felt too weak to muster any resistance to the impulses. All my instincts told me to push my cheek against her back. I did what felt natural. I accepted my fate. Without thinking I yielded to my urges. Submitting was the sweetest release.

"I'm proud of you... you'll always be my special little guy." Susie said.

I opened my eyes. I was laying on my bed. Tears covered my face. My eyes felt like I'd been crying for hours. In my hands I held Susie's night-shirt, pushed tightly to my trunk. Regret started to flood me until I reigned it in. I shook my head. I wouldn't let myself feel bad about this. I was emotionally exhausted. I hugged the shirt like it was my most prized possession, making sure it was right up to my face. That sweet smell. It took every problem I had and made it fade away. There was nothing like it. There never would be any replacement for me. I'd keep it forever. If I ever needed to calm down I'd always have it by my side.