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  2. OccultistToday at 12:37 PM
  3. YOU ARE SO PRETTY?!?!?!??!!!?!?!?!!?!?
  4. KinaToday at 12:37 PM
  5. Omg thank you! :relaxed:️
  6. OccultistToday at 12:38 PM
  7. of course!!
  8. actually can i tell you something in confidentiality that i'm worried about that's.....idk eating me
  9. KinaToday at 12:39 PM
  10. Sure go ahead!
  11. OccultistToday at 12:40 PM
  12. do you ever feel like you have a reputation to live up to for people who don't even know you?
  13. and it just...affects you so deeply you became a different person than you ever intended and just UGH its like you go somewhere and suddenly you put on this awful mask
  14. KinaToday at 12:42 PM
  15. I guess I feel that way to an extent. I mean around my family and family friends anyways. But when it comes to online and my good close friends idc what people think about me. I’m just me. I wore a mask for a long long time around my family and my friends. And it hurt me so badly for years and I was in a really bad place. Did a lot of bad/dumb things. I mean now I’m not in a super great place but it feels good to be able to be real around close friends.
  16. OccultistToday at 12:45 PM
  17. yeah
  18. i definitely understand the dumb/bad things
  19. and i think the wanting to be "real" to at least someone who was involved is the biggest issue i have
  20. for me when i came online THAT was when i put on the mask
  21. my internet persona was a sort of power thing for me, it started out innocently enough, just a "i don't care what you think of me and i make sure you know that"
  22. my therapist suggested it
  23. i....
  24. i don't know if you were around for gelgarin, actually
  25. but he was an old writer for res who had a very narcissistic and better-than-you attitude
  26. trod on a lot of toes
  27. eventually quit after writing this big ole manifesto
  28. but the entire thing was a persona
  29. and he quit because it was exhausting and tiring and honestly affecting his irl life
  30. and i guess all this to say is that that was what russett/okami was for me i suppose?
  32. some stupid punk asshole who acted like he was tough shit and better than you because he'd been there longer, seen everything, res had gone to hell and no one was around so why give a damn being a decent person anymore ya know
  33. and it just.....toxified
  34. thats not a word but its the feeling
  35. i got the reputation for being mean and sarcastic and bitchy
  36. and i felt like i had to keep it up because otherwise people would......idk, really
  37. like
  38. be disappointed?
  39. not notice me maybe???? idfk
  40. i was a dumb suicidal 18 year old who was bullied and used the internet to have some modicum of presence and power
  41. and abused the hell outta it
  42. and then i got banned and was let back and things were good for a bit
  43. and then people kept.....commenting
  44. how much nicer i was
  45. how they didnt expect this
  46. and some people would say it was all just an act obviously
  47. cant please everyone
  48. and i shouldve listened to the ones who were made happier by me being kinder and happier and a better influence but i didnt
  49. and so things just got worse again
  50. and i didnt even know how to take off the mask irl until i lost my grandfather who raised me and my now ex-fiance
  51. because i treated him the way i treated res
  52. as an outlet for my frustration and sorrow and shit
  53. but months before that happened i got banned obvs
  54. made clear i wasnt welcome back
  55. i actually havent opened skype since dess' last message because i was too afraid
  56. but idk kina
  57. i just
  58. you gotta do what you feel is right for you and the job and res and shit
  59. but i wanted you to know that like.....things are better for me
  60. im better
  61. lost a lot but its good
  62. got some healthier coping mechanisms and support systems than a pet site now which, honestly? first step right there
  63. so like....idk
  64. feel free to ban me and let staff know "hey russ was Occultist all along"
  65. but like....
  66. i know i dont deserve another shot
  67. god knows i didnt deserve the last however many
  68. i just wanted at least someone to know i've changed and got closure
  69. and if i get to stay on res as occultist and help newbies that'd be great but if not i at least got to close the door
  70. monologue over cuz ur typin sorry LMAO
  71. (my therapist yelled at me about this so there u go sabrina)
  72. okay i'm actually having a mild to major panic attack
  73. KinaToday at 12:58 PM
  74. Honestly I won’t say anything. You’re starting new. Starting fresh. You’re in a better spot in life. And I believe you deserve another chance. Because I understand. It’s a tough world out there. And I know I said I’m real with people online. But I guess there’s also an extent to that. I do kind of have a mask online. I mean I’m a nice personal overall haha. There is nothing wrong with being nice. But I can lay the hammer down if I need too. I can be a real bitch xD. But I do hide the fact that I have struggled with depression and eating disorders and self harm and attempted suicide from people online. I mean if someone were to ask me sure I’d be open about it. But I just don’t feel like people care that much about me to actually give a damn. At least the res user base. Which is fine I know a lot of people are fake mainly because I’m staff. Everyone wants to be friends with staff. I was that person before who wanted to be friends with staff so I get it xD I’m moving this month and I plan to get therapy. And start working out. So I’m working on bettering myself too. And I’ve done some things on res before got myself IP banned a long time ago. Got sb banned when I first joined back because I was being a total asshole lmao.
  75. OccultistToday at 12:59 PM
  76. okay
  77. KinaToday at 12:59 PM
  78. *person not personal :rolling_eyes:
  79. OccultistToday at 12:59 PM
  80. im good
  81. sorry i was just about to ask you to like copy-cut and lemme know verdict before i knock myself out hyperventilating LMAO
  82. KinaToday at 1:00 PM
  83. Oh gosh sorry I didn’t mean to worry you lol
  84. OccultistToday at 1:00 PM
  85. no its okay
  86. i figured it was either like
  87. "major heart to heart or huge reprimand"
  88. like it was one or the other XD
  89. okay just
  90. two secs
  91. lemme get pulse straight again
  92. :joy:
  93. but thank you kina
  94. KinaToday at 1:01 PM
  95. Hahaha I know that feeling all too well xD
  96. OccultistToday at 1:01 PM
  97. i really respect this
  98. and i promise this chance will be my last
  99. i think the biggest issue i had with res was like....
  100. even when i came back, i had that mask already made
  101. now i don't have that pressure?
  102. like, i can just be myself
  103. occultist is legitimately more me than i ever was on russett
  104. so thank you :heart:
  105. KinaToday at 1:02 PM
  106. Being yourself is good. You may have moments but everyone has moments. Trust me I’ve had a meltdown or two in the sb before LMAO. I’m a mess.
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