Hangover Mechanicus

Vyrius’ augmetic implants strained to boot back up. He had way too much amasec to drink last night if his hangover was any indicator. The last thing he could remember was sharing a joke and some drinks with his old friend and fellow Enginseer Kanisias as well as with a certain Sister of Battle that was surprisingly welcoming of AdMech and company and then…nothing. Just blackness so thick he was afraid an Inquisitor might have blanked his memory. Ah well, he thought that surely he couldn’t have gotten into too much trouble on this dingy little station. He felt sore all over, even sorer than the day after he was implanted with his exoskeleton. He was in the process of trying to wring the ache out of his wrists when he heard a rattle and felt resistance. His mind sprang instantly alert and panic alarms rang in his head, some literal, as he began to take stock of his surroundings.

The first thing he noticed was that the bed he was in wasn’t his own. It was far too comfy and felt way too good on the parts of himself that were still weak and fleshy to be his own bed. The next and much more obvious thing he noticed was that he was handcuffed, thought that wasn’t what worried him so much as who he was handcuffed to: none other than his apparently too good of a friend Kanisias. Vyrius thanked the Omnissiah for the power sword that separated their nude bodies from entirely touching.

“Psst! Kanisias! Wake up!” Vyrius tried to whisper as much as his voxbox would allow him too.

“Vyrius, is that you?” Kanisias groaned “It is much too early and I am much too hung over to be dealing with you. I don’t know why I even let you talk me into-OH SWEET MACHINE GOD WHY-”

“Shut up, Kanisias! I don’t know who did this to us, but I don’t want them waking up too. Now help me up, I can’t feel my mechadendrites.”

“That’s because you don’t have any.”

“WHAT?!”

“Shut up! Remember what you said?!”

“Right, right, now on three we both lift up. One, two, three.”

And with that, they managed to hoist each themselves into an upright position and began to get a better view of their surroundings, mainly looking anywhere that wasn’t at each other.

“We tell no one of this when we get out of this. No one.” Kanisias stated flatly.

“And here I was ready to brag to everyone about this glorious conquest. Now quit your whining and help me find my dendrites.”

Vyrius felt naked without them. He also felt naked because he was naked, but that was a far different matter. His mechadendrites were as much a part of him as his arms or legs. Perhaps even more so, as they functioned as a symbol of his rank as well as an extra limb. With all this in mind, Vyrius still wished desperately that he had never found them.

Slung across a couch was an Adepta Sororitas, the same one from the night before if memory served him, sleeping soundly and as nude as the two Enginseers were, what Vyrius hoped was sweat glistening on her toned and muscled body, her short white dyed hair ruffled in a post-coital bird’s nest. Most importantly, she had Vyrius’ dendrites lodged firmly in her derriere.

“Well, I think I found the owner of this power sword, Kanny, but you’re not gonna like her.”

“Her? Well that’s a relief, small as it may be.”

“No it isn’t, Kanny. It really isn’t.”

“Wait, what about your dendrites?”

“Nevermind that, let’s just get out of here. Trust me on this one.”

A satisfied yawn signaled that they were too late. The Sororitas stretched peacefully, Vyrius zooming in with his bionic eye to inspect the way her muscles shifted as her back arched.

“I don’t know what happened last night, but I feel great! It’s as if I’ve been filled with the light of the Emperor himself!” She proclaimed contentedly to no one in particular, not yet realizing the extent of her situation in her sleepy daze. She frowned as her hand wandered to her backside. “That…is NOT the Light of the Emperor…”

The Sister of Battle pulled out the intruding object with a grimace and inspected it as realization set in. She stood completely still, trembling slightly.

“Uhhh, Kanisias? Now would be a wonderful time for us to leave.”

“What have you done this time, Vyr? And was that voice what I really think it was?”

“Nevermind that, we just need be anywhere but here. Now.”

The Sister turned around in a flash and locked eyes with Vyrius. Vyr saw his life flash briefly before his eyes as hers widened with shock and rage.

“You…” she sputtered, gripping the offending dendrite so tightly her knuckles were whiter than her hair.

“Anytime you feel like moving Kanny…”

“You…”

“Seriously, Kanisias we have to go, NOW!”

“YOU…” she pounced on the two hapless techpriests with a snarl. “YOU FILTHY DEFILING HERETICS! YOU-YOU SOILED ME! I WAS SUPPOSED TO REMAIN PURE FOR THE EMPEROR!”

“Really, Vyr?! Really?!” Kanisias’ voice was muffled by the mattress the Soriritas’ assault had shoved him into. “An Adepta Soriritas?!”

“We’ve been over this, Kanisias, there is something about the familiar appeal of the solidity of their muscles that is evocative of the perfection of the machine combined with the taboo of the curve and suppleness of their flesh that is absolutely irresistible – heeeey there…what was your name again?”

“YOU CANNOT EVEN REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE WOMAN YOU DEFILED?!” she roared furiously, inches away from Vyrius’ face.

“Hey now! Defiled is a bit much, wouldn’t you say? I’m almost positive everything we did here was mostly consensual.”

“I WOULD NEVER CONSENT TO THE LIKES OF YOU! YOU AND YOUR ILK DO NOT EVEN PRAISE THE EMPEROR, YOU…YOU HERETICS!”

“Oh yeah? Then why are WE the ones who are tied up, huh?” Vyrius stated as calmly as he could given the situation. Kanisias muffled his agreement.

“BECAUSE…because…well maybe you…because…or you could have…oh, Emperor preserve me!” She relented and sat down on the bed in defeat, only to jolt back up in pain. Vyrius remembered he had more than one mechadendrite…

“Now I understand this is an uncomfortable morning for you in more ways than one, believe me I do, but maybe if you could just undo these handcuffs on me and my friend her for starters…”

She sullenly obliged and the bionic duo immediately set about gathering their things and getting dressed as the Soriritas just sat in silence on the edge of her bed and looking to be on the verge of tears.

“It’s Nisania, by the way.” she finally said as Vyrius thoroughly cleaned his dendrites for the fifth time.

“Err, s’cuse me?”

“My name. It’s Nisania. I figured you should at least know my name after whatever it was you did to me.”

“Ah. Vyrius, here to serve. And I’m not really sure what I did either. Maybe it’s for the best.”

“And WHAT exactly is that supposed to mean?!” Nisania glared at the nervous Enginseer. His metal exoskeleton may have protected him from last night’s…ministrations, but he doubted he could survive the full fury of a Sister of Battle.

“Well, err, what I meant to say was-I just mean that, maybe, it would be better for all involved if we leave last night as a one-night thing. It would be less awkward for all involved this way, wouldn’t you agree?”

“So you mean that after you ravaged me you seek to just run away and forget the whole thing?!”

“Run away, sure, but the forgetting bit is already done. The amasec had a lot to do with that, remember?”

“No, I don’t! Which is precisely the problem!”

“Well then, now that we are on the same page…” Vyrius tried to inch towards the door without her noticing. Kanisias was already long gone, as he had refused to stay for a second longer than he had to, but there was no way Vyrius was going to reattach his dendrites to his nervous system in their current state. He now regretted that decision, almost as much as he regretted leaving Nisania’s power sword laying so close to the statuesque woman.

“Oh no, no, no, ‘Techpriest’.” She spit the word like it was a curse and began walking towards him. “You do not get off that easily. I am going to immediately speak to Sister Superior Maria and make sure you little cultists get assigned to our order.”

As Nisania pressed him against the wall with her body, Vyrius praised the Omnissiah for small miracles, like the fact that Nisania had still neglected to put on her clothes in the midst of all this and that he now stood directly eye level with her chest. She clutched the underside of his facemask and forced him to look her in the eyes and a warm smile spread across her face, offering a stark contrast to the icy chill that now dominated her eyes.

“There is no escape for you, Techpriest.”

With that she left Vyrius standing there and went to take a shower. Vyrius was just glad that during all the mayhem that was that morning, no one had noticed his servo skull hovering in the corner of the room, still recording. He hurried to retrieve it now that Nisania had presented him with a moment of privacy. He had just managed to stuff it into his robes when he heard a voice call to him from the bathroom door.

“You do find me irresistible, right? You weren’t just saying that, were you?”

“Oh, err, well, you see-” he turned around to see Nisania’s head poking out from the bathroom door, a p leading look in her eyes. The cornered Techpriest could only sigh, sounding like static. “…absolutely. Why else would I forsake my disgust of all things flesh if not for your beauty?”

Satisfied with his answer, Nisania giggled cheerily and withdrew once more to her shower. Vyrius slumped against the wall and slowly slid to the ground with another sigh. He extracted the servo skull from his robes, and switched off its record function. He was already exhausted, and morning had barely passed. He had probably just singlehandedly gotten his entire regiment implicated in whatever bloody, suicidal purge the Adepta Soritas was going to throw themselves at next all over a night of drinks taken too far and even worse, Kanisias was somehow involved in that night. And for what? A night he couldn’t remember with a Sister of Battle? A towering, Amazonian slab of muscle and fury, who moves with that righteous fervor only a zealot can, who even now was taking a shower not but a room away from him, all gleaming and chiseled like a well oiled  Imperator, yet oh so very soft and yielding like a warm pillow…

He looked down at his robes. “Once more into the breach, eh, little buddy?”

Vyrius tore off his clothing and headed for the bathroom…

-------------------------------
“I cannot believe this! You do realize this is all your fault, right? We are both going to die because of you, Vyrius!”

Kanisias was furious. The Adeptus Mechanicus was only out on this grimy little station to refuel and resupply before they followed up rumors of an STC on the nearby planet of Stragis VII. Kan had allowed his so-called friend to talk him into a few drinks to pass the downtime and a few turned into many turned into way too many turned into enough to fell a Space Wolf if the remnants of their actions from last night were any indicator.

“I mean, seriously! This is quite literally the exact thing the Cult warns against!”

“I’m fairly certain that the Cult is kinda vague on the matters of bedding a Soriritas.” Vyrius smirked. Or at least he would if he still had enough of a face left to smirk with.

“You gave into the weakness of your flesh! That is everything we stand against!” Kanisias fumed right back at him.

“It sounds to me as if someone is jealous.”

“How can I be jealous?! I was there!”

“Yeah, but you just sat there. And…watched. It was actually incredibly creepy.”

“I did n-wait, how do you know what happened last night?”

Vyrius patted his servo skull lovingly. “All knowledge is to be preserved, right?”

“You didn’t.”

“I did.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“And why did I wake up chained to you in nary but the implants the Omnissiah blessed me with and naught but a power sword to keep our wires from crossing?!”

“Oh, that. Well apparently Nisania-”

“Nisania?” Kanisias arched an eyebrow.

Vyrius crossed his arms. “That’s her name, Kanny. You would have learned it for yourself if you didn’t run out of the room like a guardsman without a commissar.”

“Nevermind that, just get on with it.”

“Right. Well Nisania wanted to put on a, err, ‘show’ for us.”

“And what does that have to with being handcuffed?”

“She apparently thought it would be more interesting for all involved that way.”

“…”

“…”

“You do realize that your soul probably belongs to Slannesh now, right?”

“But it was a Sister! It’s not heresy if it’s with the Daughters of the Emperor.”

“I’m not sure that’s how it works, Vyr.”

“I’m telling you, friend. None purer.”

“There was nothing pure about last night. You hear me? Nothing.”

“Well well have plenty of time to ask the Soriritas what their doctrines say about that sort of thing soon enough.”

“What are you saying, Vyrius?” Kanisias grabbed Vyrius by the front of his robes. “Please don’t say what I think you’re saying!”

Vyrius scratched the back his head and offered his hands up in an apologetic shrug. “The Adepta Soriritas has officially sanctioned the aid of the Adeptus Mechanicus in their efforts in the region.”

Kanisias groaned and buried his face in his palm. “And this doesn’t happen to have anything to do with last night’s little misadventure, does it?”

“They are directly related.” Vyrius beamed as much as his face would let him.

This was supposed to be an easy task. Just drop down on some backwater warphole and let the servitors dig through the much for a few weeks and then return to the nearest Forge World with their findings, which would most likely be nothing. But now they had been Shanghaied into the service of the Adepta Soriritas thanks to the implacable appetites of Vyrius. Even now they were gearing up to aid the Orders Militant in their purge of some Chaos cult or Ork WAAAAGH or any other form of religious suicide those crazy women sought out so eagerly. Kanisias wondered how much pressure was put on Magos Rorkhan to force him to agree to this. He was broken from his reverie by a slap on his back.

“Cheer up Kanny! If things look bad, we can always defect.” He patted his servo skull once more. “I’m sure the footage in this little guy will fetch a pretty penny in the right market!”

Kanisias groaned anew “You will be the death of all of us, you hear me?”

“I would say you were overreacting again, but I think you might actually be right this time…”
-----------------

“Why are we leaving so early? I thought we had another two days on this scrapheap.”

“What’s with all the tanks?”

“I can’t find my good robes!”

Just as Vyrius and Kanisias had returned, the Adeptus Mechanicus hangar bay was in absolute bedlam. Techpriests rushed to and fro, frantically trying to get their cruiser, the Might of Knowledge, ready for departure. It wasn’t until Magos Explorator Rorkhan’s voice boomed over the vox caster that some semblance of order was achieved.

“Calm down, everyone!” The magos boomed. “It is with utmost pride and overabundant joy that I am bound to inform that our most noble allies the Ecclesiarchy have called upon the Adeptus Mechanicus to aid them in their ongoing quest to keep humanity strong in the name of the Emperor.” Sarcasm dripped from every word. “The Adepta Sororitas have requisitioned our assistance with their efforts on the planet of Korlov IV.”

The hangar fell silent as all present digested the news. Finally, one techpriest spoke up.

“Did you tell them this is an Explorator vessel?”

“Yes” Rorkhan responded.

“Did you tell them we only have a handful of skiitari to our name?”

“Yes.”

“Did you tell them that we had our own duties in this sector?”

“Yes.”

“Then what the warp is this all about?!”

“Your guess is as good as mine. The Sister Superior was very insistent.” The emphasis on ‘very’ sent a shiver down Vyrius’ spine. “She refused to give me details as to why or even what we were doing. On the bright side, she did offer us her order’s might as repayment when it comes time to search for the Standard Template Construct on Stragis VII. Provided we are still alive by then.”

At this announcement, the techpriests returned to their duties, now brimming with subdued rage.

“So it’s a suicide mission. Great. Just great.”

“I’m too augmented to die!”

“‘Emperor protects’ my metal ass. That withered fool and his bolter bitches are going to get us all killed.”

Kanisias glared at Vyrius as they gathered their things for departure.

“I hope you’re happy, Vyr, this is all your fault.”

“Hey now, you were there too.”

“I just watched, remember?”

“Yeah, but you didn’t stop me. Besides, this isn’t ALL bad, you know.”

“Oh really? Tell me in which way this is whole mess is remotely good. Please, make it good.”

“Sisters love battle. It’s in their name. All we gotta do is keep our heads down, let them do their purge-y bit and or grind themselves to dust against impossible odds like those crazy zealots are wont to do and wait for the astartes to show up and do the same damn thing. And then, assuming either of us are still alive, they’ll come with us to Stragis VII, meaning more meatshields to hide behind.”

“It’s an archaeological expedition! We aren’t going to need meatshields!”

“Oh please, Kanny, when was the last time we uncovered some archeotech and it didn’t come with a free side of necrons, orks, cultists, or some other equally nasty thing that exists only to kill us? I’ll bet you a hundred thrones right here, right now that something goes horribly wrong on the expedition.”

“You're on. Not that it’ll matter when we’re all dead.”

Before Vyrius could respond, they had wandered into a fellow techpriest, one Angelkus Demonas, gossiping about the latest developments.

“Hey Kan, Vyr. You guys hear the news? Total grox shit, am I right?”

“Without a doubt. And you have Archos Magos Badtouchitus over here to thank for that.” Kanisias seethed, pointing a baleful dendrite at Vyrius.

“What does Vyrius have to do with the Adepta-you didn’t…”

“He did.” Kanisias affirmed.

“You didn’t!” She repeated, dumbfounded.

“I did.” Vyrius proudly confirmed.

“Did what?” Another techpriest joined in the conversation.

“A Sister of Battle.” Kanisias explained.

“A Sister of Battle?” he repeated curiously

“A Sister of Battle.” Vyrius once again confirmed just as proudly as before.

“I can see it.” the newcomer said with a shrug

“What?!” it was Kanisias’ turn to be dumbfounded.

“Sure. It’s all in the muscles. The appeal of solid, well built machine combined with the sensuous, supple taboo of the flesh. It’s the best of both worlds.”

“Thank you, Kraimos. At least someone gets it.” Vyrius proclaimed with an emphatic nod in Kraimos’ direction.

“I think you’re both crazy. Anyways, shouldn’t we be packing up to join up with the other crazies and their suicidal death march now?”

Agreeing with Angelkus, the quartet went their separate ways to put the final touches on preparing the Might of Knowledge for its premature exodus.