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aegsjt

a guest Feb 14th, 2020 142 Never
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  1. Therapy does nothing.
  2.  
  3. When someone rolls their face on their keyboard, I can read their personality from the letters. The world makes passive aggressive inside jokes through the patterns I read. You know the cthulhu crap? It makes sense to me somehow. I decipher patterns all day every day. Why is red the color of things? These questions are my life now. I answer them, because nobody else will. I chase them, because they are my interest. I have nothing to accomplish in my life but my interests. I think men and women are boring, annoying, disappointing, disgusting, etcetera. I hate myself, I love myself. I have heard and applied all the cliché movie advice everyone has ever written. I study theology, philosophy, psychology, sociology, all the logic, including logical argumentation itself so I can not screw myself. I invent conversations, arguments, viewpoints, situations. I imagine personalities and create new ones based on the gaps of my personal experience. These people talk to eachother. I ensure that these figments are more than just my personality and prejudice projected onto a body by analyzing my traits and acquiring the proper filtration method. I then learn from them and apply what I've learned. These are people things. I learn people things. Often, I am done with people. They disappoint me, they are temporary and sometimes like animals. I am that guy who can rub his belly and wave his hand at the same time. Bad analogy since it is quite a common thing, however it does display the kind of disparity I am having. Whatever I have in mind, they will not and can not do it. They are not interested in it. I do not blame them for not being interested. In fact, I do not take it personally. Why get mad at your computer when it gives you an error? It's not like it could've been more to you - you're also a falling apple. Some things these people teach me are reflective.
  4.  
  5. My interest is either one of these things. I want to live eternally and prosper, or I want to be happy until I die. It is most likely that neither will happen. I cannot accomplish my dreams. My whims cannot be fulfilled. Imagine the difficulty if I had to obtain bread right now. Everything I imagine doing becomes impossible to do. I lose motivation for everything, and yet I continue, because I've come to find that when your emotions are messed up, they mess up other things in the microcosm, and so I've devised this way to keep doing things without any motivation. Sometimes this is kind of peaceful and leads me to fall asleep, but sometimes I am riding a bike and will literally be dreaming. Yes, during this period, sometimes I am not conscious, and yes, this is also a way to 'wake' from it.
  6.  
  7. I haven't had friends for years. Treated for psychosis, have had medication. Did nothing but make me tired and hungry. Haven't been to school since I dropped out due to a nervous breakdown when I was 16. I am 22 now. I've tried finding jobs, but every job I take makes me physically ill. If I am working, I will be constantly aware of the fact I am responsible and will be held responsible if I don't do something, basically making me hyper-aware of things, things that include the passage of time. 9-5, can't do it. It's just too long. I won't have peace in my head, I'll get restless. All kinds of excuses to be lazy, people will say, but then again these people don't even wonder. Tried pursuing my hobbies, seeing if I could still do something with them. Play piano. I'm okay at it, but I would not be able to play for 3 hours at a bar. Chemistry. Needs a degree, needs you to be equally good at societal stuff, needs you to like math equations. I could learn the equations but it's so counter-intuitive to me that I would end up re-inventing the thing, not because I think I am smart, but because most books I read have like 5 lessons that they can be boiled down to. So, no chemistry, even though I love all the switches between modes and loading energy into a compound so that it can then later release this energy in a very specific way to only that determined color of powder. No physics, same reason. No psychology, same reason. Can't be armchair psychologist. Philosophy? No jobs in this.
  8.  
  9. I won't be a butcher, I won't fill paperwork, I won't sit in office, I won't work the counter. I'm on welfare and have been declared 100% unable to work by the govt. after a series of tests had been conducted.
  10.  
  11. That means, I can't do any jobs. What about a looser approach? Hobbies? Alright, let's see.
  12.  
  13. I like poetry. Can't earn money with it, but I could make something large, which would maybe get people to talk with me.
  14. I like technology. Maybe I can sell my contraptions that I'm unable to make because I'm too jaded.
  15. I play games. Not well enough to get popular on YouTube without speaking or using a face-cam.
  16.  
  17. Sometimes, I have direct conversation with those figments in my head.
  18.  
  19. I'm often told, by people in and out of my head, that my speech patterns don't add up. They're too long, too short, too vague, too complicated, too much detail, bad topic, nobody asked for it, etcetera. It used to be really bad, but eventually I realised the mistakes I made and corrected them. Now? This huge comment?
  20.  
  21. Because I am alone and because I am basically writing this to see what comes out of my head, and also, as a treat for anyone reading, because yes, I'd like to imagine someone actually can enjoy me. I don't like conversation with others. They want only what they want, which I've come to terms with, however the things they do want suck. They want football, they want small talk about the weather, they want to ask me about my job, about my plans this weekend. That would be fine with me, had it been so that there was /more/ to them, but there is not.
  22.  
  23. Those who I can talk with about 'deep' topics always seem to have this major character flaw which motivates their entire venture into the topic, and I am fairly certain I will discover my own in the future. When I talk with them, they're easily distracted, don't show any initiative, they don't bring to me anything that they're interested in. Sometimes I'm forced to presume that they just don't like me, or that they're in a mood, or that they're lying about enjoying the topic. A good example of The 'character flaw' I was talking about is someone who will argue with you until the end of the world that you choose to be unhappy.  *<- this asterisk denotes a trigger for the flock-type of people who will see this as an indicator that I am somehow actually doing that, and start typing predictable advice to me comparing me to shallow friends in their lives.
  24.  
  25. No dates.
  26. Did I mention no dates?
  27.  
  28. Since I dropped out, have only fooled around with some guy and done stuff with an American woman who came to visit me.
  29.  
  30. I don't like Tinder. People assume the worst and think I'm shy or that I won't try because I think it won't work, like the cliché that culture depicts. What is actually happening is that I know what kind of people I am going to meet and I don't like 99% of them. I dislike them so much, that I don't want to spend time with them. The ones I do like are the ones playing on some weakness that I have.
  31.  
  32. I don't like femininity in general. Have you looked into their eyes? Does that look sane to you? Nevertheless, I like dressing up, because then I can stare in the mirror and mess up my emotions, since jet engines don't run on diesel. Very fun.
  33.  
  34. Whenever I'm with a woman, I want a few things. When they're pretty, chubby, or have any interesting traits, that's what I want to play with. If their character has an interesting trait, I will obsess over that trait and directly address it. If they have piercing eyes, I want to stare at them and analyze what it is that makes me react physically to it. They don't like these things, even though that's what I find interesting about them. I know basic dating skills. I don't start off talking about metaphysics, or at all, depending on who I'm with. Don't give me the redpill stuff.
  35.  
  36. No friends, no jobs, no hobbies, no dates, no dreams.
  37. How do I know therapy won't work? Because I've studied the methods that they use, and no matter how much you count up from 0, you won't end up at infinity. Their questions are loaded with prejudice, presumption, logical errors, missing information, implications. I have to figure and sort out all these before they can begin to understand why what they just said indicates to me that they cannot help me.
  38.  
  39. During this explanation, they will make more errors, which require more explanation. Infinite.
  40.  
  41. Yes, I have tried going about it a different way, using politically correct speech and common patterns. This added to the already strongly confirmed realisation that acting like something I am not will only further disfigure the fluent expression of the real me.
  42.  
  43. That is just one therapist. I've tried multiple and ascertained that they could not help. When I was young, some have betrayed my trust by telling my dad I didn't like him. I was punished. I have traumas. Point of me saying this suddenly, is to magnify the extent of which I've had experience with trying to fix myself, through indirectly magnifying your experience of my experience with therapists.
  44.  
  45. Mentionable note; this is me writing down my thoughts and organizing them post-scriptum. It is more coherent than my natural speech and more complex.
  46.  
  47. Imagine trying to explain myself to anyone when I'm like this and also can't get a sentence out of my mouth without having thought of the 20 edits I could make to that sentence, which would drive the conversation into the areas that I have predetermined to be beneficial to my current situation.
  48. ^-- this short paragraph, I can think of 20 edits. I should add the fact where I have multiple goals, none of which are absolute goals, and I am not all oriented towards one. It is also such that some goals, I can name and understand, and others I cannot. I can follow some, and I cannot follow others. I know that others have this too, however they don't seem to be conscious of this fact. While thinking of this one thing I should add, I have thought of three others that are better. This leaves me with something incoherent, which I then reorganize and re-read about four times until it sounds palatable. This particular paragraph will not be so meticulously organised to indicate the errors in my thinking and sentence structure to those who can discern them. These 'goals' can be the end of a conversation, but also the gaining of new knowledge on a particular topic. The paths to them are not straight, nor curved, nor linear, nor abstract, etc.
  49.  
  50. What I am saying is, I see of others only this shallow world.
  51. Of myself, I see only what I cannot have.
  52. To want is to be discontent.
  53. The reason to exist is oxymoron.
  54. Sometimes I kind of fall asleep into this trance like state where it's like I've opened a forgotten wing of my library. By asleep, I mean what you know as awake, since I am in the waking state, however I am in a dreamstate within the waking state. I think I just described daydreaming, but it may also be me being lazy to not actually figure this out in combination with the idea that you might enjoy the fact I accidentally defined daydreaming. This reminds me of a day when I was 14, bored in class and drew this sketch of a new type of engine. Crankshafts and pistons bothered me, so I invented this new burning spinning wheel thing. Showed it to my plumber stepdad who told me it was a jet engine. Once again, not telling a 'im smart' story to brag, I am telling you this so you can see that I have potential that I can do nothing with. So that the idea is taken home, that I am locked in this body and mind.
  55.  
  56. I can never express this pain. I have been writing for years and am still describing this pain in new ways. Trying to cope, then comes some guy very angrily yelling at me to change my ways, because I don't even know what pain is, because I haven't even had a job. Which, frankly, I have, at some grocery store and at a warehouse, but you get the point, which is the stark contrast you've just seen between me and this guy. It's one of the many reasons people disappoint me every day, all day.
  57.  
  58. Oh yes, I can enjoy people. Whenever I want. However I can't decide what I want. I want what I want. I can want to want something else, but it won't make me want something else. This is a problem. I want to not be offended by something, yet I am offended. How am I supposed to identify with my own personality if I don't even agree with it?
  59.  
  60. Come on, why are you mad? You know exactly why he said it, you know it's true, you know it's funny, you know it's not offensive, etcetera, but you're still mad. Is your pride hurt?
  61. Because seriously, I don't know why I am still mad.
  62. Yet, I am still mad.
  63. I don't want to be mad, nobody wants me to be mad, there is no reason to be mad, but something triggered me and now I am mad. I disappoint myself, because I am people. I am human. I feel like I am trapped being this lowly thing somewhere in the midst of time and space, for no reason. I have no goal, no purpose. There is no where to go, no thing to attain, accomplish.
  64.  
  65. I have countered nihilism. If you are made of fire, you will do well to learn about water, and vice versa. Spirituality. Tried to learn about rituals at some point. Why would magic work, what makes it work? One half of folk ridicule it blindly while the others follow it blindly. I should not do either of these. I studied chakras. I wondered why they took on these colors, and started using synesthetic correlation to delve patterns from the world. Now I know that on this date, I should act flamboyant, perform power moves and wear red, because her name is Kayla. Can I explain to you in three sentences how the word 'Kayla' is related to the color red? No. Can I explain myself to a therapist? Maybe. Should never give up blindly. That was a trick, I tricked your feelings. It was in good spirit, and for theatrics, which are supposed to be enjoyed. I'm beneficial to most people I meet by default. If I don't have any feelings whatsoever, I am pure of heart. I don't see this of others, not even the seemingly innocent ones. *
  66.  
  67. ^--*I can imagine someone noting down this cliché and saying, he thinks he is better than everyone, noting down this cliché and saying, he does not see his own flaws, despite having read this entire paragraph. That person will ignore the entire content of the comment just to make that jab, accomplishing nothing but this minor relative victory. This is why I call them shallow. They will not urge for what is higher, they will not care to look, they refuse to imagine and above all, they did not study enough to catch the signs.
  68.  
  69. I could speak for ages on what to say. If I had clones, the world would be a different place, and no, I didn't take that sentence from a personality test. Imagine a world where people would cooperate with eachother without personal crap. Where people would literally just say what they're after instead of performing these tricks, knowing that the other person won't have to use tricks either. Aliens would invade using 1 person that actually lies and we would all be destroyed, but yeah. I basically live in my imagination because I can do things there that are endlessly more fascinating than what happens before my eyes.
  70.  
  71. Can you imagine that you are talking with me and lose track of what has been said? Yes. This is one of the reasons people want to go away from me. It is also one of the reasons I am forgetful and why I think different - conversation with me is HDD, not SSD. I just made a reference that a non-computer geek will have to look up, lowering the spread of my target group for this enormous message. There is a good chance that less than 5 people will ever read this.
  72.  
  73. I am not expecting one person to read this.
  74. Expectation leads to disappointment anyway.
  75. Why dictate a vital part of your emotional arsenal,
  76. contentment, to a fluctuous outcome?
  77. Expect in the sense of, it is most likely that if you let go of the apple, it will fall and hit the floor - this is okay, however it is still in the realm of conscious experience, which is a disease of the soul. This errant blemish.
  78.  
  79. When I am done speaking,
  80. Many important things will have been said.
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