my mental health

incognitocloud Oct 13th, 2019 112 Never
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  1. "why are you unhappy about your appearance, what would you change?"
  4. i wanna be shorter and weigh less and i want my hair to be longer and i want my shoulders to not be so damn wide and i want my fucking legs to be clear because i have a medical condition where they like are super fucked up and i also would love for my face to not have so much god damn acne and i would like for my voice to not sound like shit and i would like for my arms to not look like im an italian because i have so much hair on them and also shaving your legs and face is a bitch when you have to do it every 4 days and youre also awful at it so you cut your face and legs all the god damn time and i would also like to not have a dick like that part is really god damn annoying
  5. and i can try to lose weight and grow my hair out and i can take my medication for my condition and my acne and i could spend fucking months on voice training and i could try so god damn hard to get better at shaving or i could get like laser hair removal or whatever the fuck and i could get SRS and start HRT i really cannot control everything and itll probably take a really long time for more or all of those to be fixed and i really would not want to hate my life for the forseeable future because i am so god damn unhappy about myself
  6. i was talking before about tranny shit and this is what i mean because while i can spend actual YEARS and also a lot of money on trying to fix my appearance it will never be enough and i am just doomed to be unhappy and never find any sort of actual peace with myself because even after you spend all that time and money on SRS and HRT and growing out your hair and all that shit you are still a useless faggot tranny who is not the real thing and never will be because you cannot change your chromosomes and it is god damn retarded and stupid to think you can through other means
  7. i dont want to be a tranny i want to be a girl but that cant happen now and cant happen later and it was not my choice and there is absolutely nothing i cant do about it and i really dislike the reminder that i cant every single day whenever i step outside and see myself or see other people
  8. ive had really poor mental health the last year or so and while i understand there are a lot of people who are unhappy with their appearance who arent trans it sure does feel like my problems are amplified because of it and its a general feeling of melancholy that makes me really just done with life sometimes so while i would probably never kill myself because i am such a pussy and hate pain i really am starting to see why the statistic is 41% in trans people. in march of 2019 i was planning on committing suicide and funnily enough the reason i didnt was because i found someone else who i really liked and who got my struggle and i felt i could actually connect with and here we are like 6 months later and i just feel like i cant even speak to them because while they got better i got worse. whenever i see other trans people or cis women it feels like a competition and i am losing that competition very hard, while i recognize this is a poor attitude towards women or other trans girls fuck man i really cant help but feel unhappy about myself
  9. i cant go outside, i cant sleep, i cant eat and physically im like fucking ruined
  10. i have completely avoided friendships or actual relationships for a very long time because i really dont think anyone would want to deal with my emotional problems because imagine if you dealt with one of those emo players but in real life like thats just a dick move to blow your friends off like that but its worse because its a real life person so i kinda just sit here and ferment with no friends or anyone to talk to as i slowly just corrupt more and more until i become so unhappy that i write a 5 page essay like this one about how unhappy i am in my life because wow i am just fucking tired of existing it is too god damn exhausting for meive said it before, i dont want to kill myself i just want to be happy but looks like neither is gonna happy anytime soon so ill stay here and feel fucking sorry for myself
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