a guest May 23rd, 2019 66 Never
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- I do get anxious when there are social events you invite me to, that is never going to change, and I appreciate you trying to accommodate me and listening and trying to help. I think it is a reasonable to say 'if it gets too big I'm not coming' and when I say that I don't mean you need to choose, I don't want you to choose, I am just trying to let you know how I'm feeling and what I'm planning to do.
- It is in no way meant to control you and I don't believe it comes across like that, I'm not trying to offend you or say "this is why you feel this", but I think that might be a hold over from past relationships, where people have tried to control your actions and manipulate you - that is not me, that is not what I am doing, and like when you try to push me away by being abusive because thats what you had to do before, it's not fair on me - I try to be supportive all the time but if I'm being honest you treat me really badly a lot of the time, and I'm the one that has to reach out and repair things, to be fair to you, you have gotten much better at that, especially lately, you come and apologise and try to repair things between us.
- A lot of the time when I'm upset or annoyed with you and I try to voice that, you come back with "can you not, I really need you to be here for me right now", thats fine, but it's constant - I feel like I'm never allowed to have my own issues, whenever you're being unreasonable and I bring up how its affecting me you use that line, or whenever I'm having a problem or I'm upset or in pain, you belittle it, you like to talk about how it isnt as bad ad what you've been through, physically or emotionally, what I'm essentially saying is you play the victim card fairly often in an argument and theres just nothing I can say or do at that point, because my problems aren't as big objectively and you them seem meaningless, and not like it's okay they're not so bad you'll be okay, but like I'm a stupid oversensitive asshole and I should just get over it or just stop feeling that way. A lot of the things you say and do to me that I find slightly annoying or unfair you would lose your shit over immediately.
- Essentially what I'm saying is I'm never allowed to argue back or feel angry at you because you belittle me and play the victim card and tell me how shit I make you feel all the time and thats not fair. Like with this, I was literally just discussing logistics with you and that pissed you off, I'm not trying to control your event or
- sabotage it, I'm actually just trying to help and then you're telling me how I'm feeling, that I'm 'worrying too much' or that I'm panicking when I'm really not, which is another reccuring thing by the way - you're angry, you're sad, you're being stressy, you're just doing it to hurt me etc when I never am, and then you just keep pushing it until that does actually piss me off and then you get angry with me because I'm annoyed at you.
- And you're always putting those emotions on me or putting words in my mouth, which would instantly send you into full on fucking meltdown if I did it to you, but apparently its unreasonable for me to feel angry about that.
- Sorry I got off track, this has just been building for a while.
- 'if you invite any more people i’m not coming' that is a fair statement of fact, its straightforward and to the point, but, I do see how that would make you feel, like you had to choose between me and other people and I am sorry for that. I said that and others like it because I wanted to go and be there with you, but I really cannot handle lots of people, I don't think you fully realise how bad it is. When you're planning something like this and it just keeps growing and you keep inviting more and more people it makes me feel like you don't care how it affects me and I say things like that because I feel put out and ignored - I'm just telling you how it makes me feel. I am sorry for it though.
- 'And when you’re anxious in a social situation you take it out on me, and you start trying to control my behaviour, telling me i’m being too loud and i shouldn’t do this or that'
- I see why you feel that why, but that's not my intent. I told you that you were being too loud because you were, you were screaming at the top of your lungs often right in my ear to the point that it physically hurt my eardrum. I told you that you shouldn't do things, like climb a tree or drink more because I'm trying to look out for you, not because I'm trying to manipulate you or because I'm embarrassed by you or your behaviour - I'm not by the way, I think you're amazing and I tell you as much.
- 'you used putting me down infront of everyone as some sort of way to mingle with everyone and feel less anxious, it felt really shit all weekend'
- I am sorry for that, I didn't mean for it to go that far, it started off with server memes and things and I honestly thought it was okay at the time but I am sorry and I know it wasn't.
- 'what i’m saying is not only are you not supportive about it, you actually make it all much harder for me and create problems, like announcing really rudely you don’t want to go on a pub crawl, or that you’re bored.'
- I am trying to be supportive about it and discussing bathroom or sleeping arangements is no being unsupportive.
- "yeah but you have a habit of drawing attention to things that make social situations more difficult for me
- oh i’m bored i’m gonna announce that to everyone and get my switch out really obviously and play it
- that’s the opposite of helpful yano
- oh no so many people one bathroom"
- I didn't "anounce to everyone" that I was bored and was gonna get my switch out. I said to sporks who was next to me that I was bored and was gonna play some zelda or something, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to say, he was also sat not doing anything by the way so it would have likely ended up with him playing something with me, maybe get mels or james' going as well, not that it matters, because I didn't play it in the end.
- I'm sorry if thats somehow a difficult situation for you, but if I'm being honest it shouldnt be, it was thirty seconds where I almost played my switch for a bit rather than sitting there silently which would have been really awkward for both of us and everyone nearby.
- "oh no so many people one bathroom"
- "yeah but can you see why that isn’t helpful really
- you’re creating issues for me
- rather than being supportive"
- I was at no point worried about that, I didn't think it would really be an issue, I was just bringing it up in a conversation about hosting 11ish people in a small flat. That's not creating an issue for you, no one was worried by it, it was perfectly reasonable I just wanted to be helpful and mention it. I can see how it might look like I'm just trying to bring up problems but I wasn't. You could have said why it was an issue for you without being so patronising, anothing thing that would instantly have you at a 3, but you do to me all the time.
- 'what i’m saying is not only are you not supportive about it, you actually make it all much harder for me and create problems, like announcing really rudely you don’t want to go on a pub crawl, or that you’re bored. i feel as though you forget i also have huge anxiety issues and i’m probably equally anxious as you'
- Thats not me being 'unsupportive', I'm being supportive. Saying I wasn't interested in a pub crawl is a fair thing to say, how I said it was rude and I am sorry. I do forget you have huge anxiety issues and I am sorry for that - it's hard to remember you do when you're so into this sort of thing and keep increasing their scope and then handle it really well. but I am sorry.
- "you need to accept sometimes that this is the event happening, this is what it entails, and if you’re not comfortable with that, you can’t control a group of people to do what you want"
- I have fully accepted what the event entails and I haven't tried to control anyone. I've said when theres something I don't want to do, which is perfectly fair, I may have said that rudely and I've apologised. Saying I don't want to do something is not controlling people, the same way suggesting something to do is not controlling people, I'm responding to a suggesting with how I feel about it, like others did such as a sporks who also said he had no interest in a pub crawl. I am not going to withhold my opinion on something like that because thats a wholy unreasonable thing to request.
- "i’m not going to pressure you into going to anything you don’t want to, and i’m not going to make you feel guilty"
- I know, thankyou for that.
- "but your issues with wanting to go but being too anxious, and getting wound up about that aren’t issues i can help you with, i can be comforting but i can’t take that away, that’s your issue to overcome"
- which is fair. but exploding at me everytime I try to get involved or when I tell you how I am feeling or being really patronising about it is not fair of you to do and only makes me more anxious and worried about the whole thing. If you have an issue with something I said in a sesh group chat, tell me, but don't patronise me and don't just get angry at me like you did earlier - writing down how you felt was good and reasonable, thank you.
- I understand you're in a lot of pain and you're very stressed at the moment and I am trying to account for that but theres only so far that goes, if the roles were reversed you would have told me it was unnaceptable and I shouldn't be controlled by it or be putting it onto you.
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