<wtf_igo> hey
<wtf_igo> if you want a more objective chat im happy to listen
<adventurous-society> hi
<adventurous-society> thank you
<adventurous-society> i feel like they just dont understand. they are acting like im trying to glorify or get validation but im not
<wtf_igo> its fine
<wtf_igo> they are trying to help you
<wtf_igo> but they all excited
<wtf_igo> tell me about your mdma use and the issues it is causing you
<adventurous-society> did you read my list of my past rolls?
<adventurous-society> all of my lifetime rolls: may 2018 - 500mg over 2 days, august 2018 - 900mg in 1 day, february 2019 - 450mg in one day, march 2019 - 300mg in one day, june 2019 - 800mg in one day , august 2019-200mg ,  september 2019 - 1 gram over 2 days, november 8 - 350mg
<wtf_igo> nah i couldnt read all the logs
<adventurous-society> do you think from that amount i am permanently damaged
<wtf_igo> k hang on a sec
<wtf_igo> i dount it
<wtf_igo> doubt it
<wtf_igo> 1 sec let me just think for a min
<adventurous-society> i feel like its not bad to roll every month if i keep it 200mg maximum
<wtf_igo> im a lil high and people getting me quite flustered with this drama
<adventurous-society> but i dont know if that is delusional or not
<wtf_igo> well 200ug is too much for sure
<wtf_igo> every month is also too often
<wtf_igo> so the thing about mdma is this
<wtf_igo> it uses your own natural serotonin stocks
<wtf_igo> it depletes them
<adventurous-society> can i tell you something without you calling me stupid
<wtf_igo> and they take many months to replenish
<wtf_igo> ill not call you stupid for anything dw
<adventurous-society> i am rolling again in 48 hours . i know its not a good idea and that i cant make habit of rolling so close together
<adventurous-society> (last roll nov 7)
<adventurous-society> but i am so committed and cant back out
<adventurous-society> it has such a hold on me
<wtf_igo> so hang on
<wtf_igo> so you want to stop but also you dont right?
<adventurous-society> ok so the thing is
<wtf_igo> like you recognise its bad but also yu want to get high
<adventurous-society> i know i cant keep this up for long
<wtf_igo> i know the feeling
<adventurous-society> i cant start therapy until december 15
<wtf_igo> so look
<adventurous-society> i feel so stupid, i used to never think
<adventurous-society> id end up like this
<adventurous-society> and cared about my brain so much
<wtf_igo> i abused mdma in my 20s more than most
<adventurous-society> worse than me?
<wtf_igo> yeah
<wtf_igo> it fucked me up for a long time im not gonna lie
<wtf_igo> also
<wtf_igo> mdma doesnt work for me anymore
<adventurous-society> its just so hard
<adventurous-society> like i want to roll at every show
<adventurous-society> and festival
<adventurous-society> no other drug is the same
<wtf_igo> sure
<wtf_igo> how old are you if you dont mind me asking?
<adventurous-society> 19
<wtf_igo> aight
<wtf_igo> makes sense
<wtf_igo> sorry 1 se
<wtf_igo> people be pinging me and getting me agitated
<wtf_igo> want to calm down so can talk to you proerly
<wtf_igo> i think sharing my story with you might help put things into perspective
<wtf_igo> hey so you there?
<wtf_igo> talk to me amigo
<adventurous-society> hi
<adventurous-society> sorry
<adventurous-society> i was texting someone
<adventurous-society> im here
<wtf_igo> no worries
<adventurous-society> so basically
<adventurous-society> i just keep telling myself
<adventurous-society> its ok to keep abusing as long as i dont do crazy 400mg+ rolls
<adventurous-society> and space out by a month at least
<adventurous-society> but i am currently doing a 1 time exception
<adventurous-society> to the 1 month thing
<adventurous-society> because its a really really good show
<wtf_igo> so you are sort of right
<adventurous-society> this weekend
<wtf_igo> but you need to work on your timiing and your doses
<wtf_igo> so for an average weight man, 150mg in a single sitting is more than enough. i would advice 100mg first with a 50mg booster
<wtf_igo> but no more
<wtf_igo> but that is okay once every 4 or 5 months
<adventurous-society> i make my capsules at 160mg
<wtf_igo> because your brain needs to replenish its serotonin
<adventurous-society> but for this weekend i made myself a 200mg
<wtf_igo> thats too much at once
<adventurous-society> since i did 350mg last weekend
<wtf_igo> 200mg is way too much
<wtf_igo> so the dangers associated with mdma start from doses of 200mg+
<wtf_igo> unless you are one of the unlucky ones who is alergic to it
<wtf_igo> but clearly you are not
<adventurous-society> did you read about my accidental overdose in #drugs?
<wtf_igo> nah but tell me about it
<wtf_igo> ive done it too
<wtf_igo> a few times
<adventurous-society> so at a festival in june i was on LSD and ketamine and brought a 500mg bag of powder. i couldnt figure out how to get a dose of powder in my mouth
<adventurous-society> so i swallowed entire bag
<adventurous-society> brb door
<wtf_igo> no worries ill be here
<wtf_igo> i didn that in ibiza
<wtf_igo> ended up in hospital
<adventurous-society> ok im back
<wtf_igo> wb
<adventurous-society> yeah it was very scary
<wtf_igo> so tell me what happened
<adventurous-society> i ended up going to the medical tent
<adventurous-society> i thought i was dying
<adventurous-society> and couldnt decide if it was worth risking or going to get help
* wtf_igo nods
<adventurous-society> if there werent medics on site idk what i would have done
<adventurous-society> i was panicking and convinced i was having serotonin syndrome
<adventurous-society> but they calmed me and told me id be fine
<adventurous-society> and cooled me and gave me water
<adventurous-society> told me not to do anymore drugs but then i foolishly bought another .15 and took it
<adventurous-society> a few hrs later
<wtf_igo> the same night?
<wtf_igo> hmm
<wtf_igo> no buneo
<adventurous-society> ever since that day i havent felt like the same person
<adventurous-society> i feel the 500mg altered my brain
<adventurous-society> significantly
<wtf_igo> in what way?
<wtf_igo> yeah well it did
<wtf_igo> no doubt it did
<adventurous-society> ive never rolled so hard
<adventurous-society> i didnt even know it was possible
<wtf_igo> and how have you been feeling since then?
<adventurous-society> just like my life is more dull
<adventurous-society> and im very emotional
<adventurous-society> i think school is making me extremely depressed too
<adventurous-society> and contributing
<adventurous-society> im in college taking 18 credits
<wtf_igo> word
<wtf_igo> so do you have any idea what the mdma might have done to cause that?
<adventurous-society> destroy my serotonin axons
<adventurous-society> maybe
<wtf_igo> i dont know about that
<wtf_igo> but
<adventurous-society> i feel like i was starting to make a great recovery
<wtf_igo> your serotonin levels will be very low
<adventurous-society> but then i went to a festival september 27-29
<adventurous-society> and did almost a gram over 2 days
<wtf_igo> well if you keep taking it you cant recover from it
<wtf_igo> and if you take it when your serotoinin is depleted
<wtf_igo> then you most likely are going to damage your neurons in significant ways
<wtf_igo> however we are not medical professinals here
<wtf_igo> so cant make that call for you
<wtf_igo> and there is every chance that it hasnt happened
<wtf_igo> so no sense in giving up on yourself and continuing bad habits
<adventurous-society> right
<adventurous-society> i just hope i will be ok
<adventurous-society> like i said, i am going to start seeing a therapist
<adventurous-society> next month
<wtf_igo> well thats a good start
<wtf_igo> but
<wtf_igo> you are also planning on taking more mdma next month
<wtf_igo> so a therapist cant help you if you keep abusing your brain
<wtf_igo> would you say you are addicted to mdma?
<adventurous-society> i think i am but
<adventurous-society> i think many peopple are worse
<adventurous-society> than me
<wtf_igo> but?
<adventurous-society> i would never do every weekend
<adventurous-society> or every other weekend
<wtf_igo> well thats not the point
<adventurous-society> or even every 3 weeks
<wtf_igo> dont judge yourself on others
<wtf_igo> doing heroin or meth less often than the average user doesnt lesson the risks much does it?
<adventurous-society> right
<adventurous-society> well
<adventurous-society> i do meth recreationally
<adventurous-society> once every few months
<adventurous-society> ill binge for a few days
<adventurous-society> i feel no cravings
<adventurous-society> or desire to ever do it
<adventurous-society> its not enticing at all to me
<adventurous-society> same with crack cocaine.
<wtf_igo> meth is highly neurotoxic
<adventurous-society> i do every few months
<adventurous-society> i have no issue with stopping
<adventurous-society> and dont do it again until its offered
<adventurous-society> which is very rare
<wtf_igo> so if you are binging on that and taking obscene amounts of mdma
<adventurous-society> but MDMA isnt the same
<wtf_igo> you really are making life difficult for yourself
<wtf_igo> well mdma gives you that euphoria
<adventurous-society> really? is one meth binge very neurotoxic?
<adventurous-society> ive only done meth maybe 6 times
<wtf_igo> it doesnt last thohg
<adventurous-society> in my life
<wtf_igo> one dose of meth is neurotoxic yeah
<wtf_igo> one dose
<adventurous-society> the last time i did it i went complete psychoticd
<adventurous-society> and thought my boyfriend was other people
<adventurous-society> and we were at some sex party having an orgy
<adventurous-society> but it was just me and him
<adventurous-society> alone in my room
<adventurous-society> it was very scary
<wtf_igo> yeah its commmon on meth
<wtf_igo> also
<wtf_igo> if it happens once its far more likely to happen again
<wtf_igo> so if you dont feel any desire to do meth its probably best if you just say no to it next time its offered to you
<adventurous-society> yeah its happoened to me
<adventurous-society> on 5 day adderall binge too before
<adventurous-society> i thought people were trying to killme
<adventurous-society> was talking to nonexistent people etc
<adventurous-society> its very scary
<adventurous-society> i think im going to stay away from those drugs
<wtf_igo> sounds smart
<wtf_igo> now lets see if can help you realise why you should prol get yourself sober completely for at least a year
<wtf_igo> how does that idea make you feel?
<adventurous-society> i never have even imagined
<adventurous-society> ever since 16 ive been doing
<adventurous-society> psychedelics and hard drugs
<wtf_igo> sure
<adventurous-society> but i never had a real problem until i became obsessed with raving
<adventurous-society> EDM is my entire life now
<wtf_igo> well i think hard identifying with anything is unhealthy tbh
<wtf_igo> because if issues (such as the issues you are having now) come up, it makes it a lot harder to let go of the things you need to let go of
<wtf_igo> there is a lot more to life than raving
<adventurous-society> it is so important to me
<wtf_igo> a lot more fun to be had
<adventurous-society> and has chabnged my life so much
<wtf_igo> it feels that way now sure
<wtf_igo> and yeah man like
<wtf_igo> its done the same for me
<wtf_igo> but you can take the good lessons you learned and bring them forward
<adventurous-society> at one 3-day event in september i did  2cb mdma lsd ketamine dmt cocaine shrooms ghb and xanax
<adventurous-society> i felt like that was the peak of my life
<adventurous-society> like i am living a dream
<adventurous-society> and adderall
<wtf_igo> yeah drugs can give you amazing experiences
<wtf_igo> and when you are young its hard to imagine how anything else could ever make you feel that good
<wtf_igo> but thats a high right, thats an exptreme kind of happiness. its not sustainable, and you always pay a price for it
<wtf_igo> *extreme
<wtf_igo> i mean you already recognise that you are paying a price for it yes?
<wtf_igo> i dont mean money i mean your mental health
<adventurous-society> and also
<adventurous-society> i have been making living selling mdma
<adventurous-society> so i always have it
<adventurous-society> and always thinking about it
<adventurous-society> i do know i am paying bad price
<adventurous-society> but im convinced ill recover
<adventurous-society> when i eventually stop
<wtf_igo> see thats just it though
<wtf_igo> its always future you that is the good guy
<wtf_igo> you feel me?
<wtf_igo> its always easier to imagine yourself fixing your problems later
<wtf_igo> but they need to be fixed now
<adventurous-society> yeah i understand
<adventurous-society> that i am most likely delusional
<adventurous-society> by keeping telling myself
<adventurous-society> just one more roll
<adventurous-society> it seems each time i roll i become more
<adventurous-society> addicted to it
<wtf_igo> ay
<adventurous-society> you see i am introvert and very shy but
<wtf_igo> look
<adventurous-society> when i do mdma i come out of my shell
<wtf_igo> ill level with you
<adventurous-society> and become a party animal
<wtf_igo> when i was your age i was taking grams of mdma every day
<adventurous-society> its just so empowering i love it
<wtf_igo> well here is a funny ting about that too
<adventurous-society> wow and are you ok now/
<adventurous-society> ?
<wtf_igo> the drug isnt the party animal
<wtf_igo> you are
<wtf_igo> anyway
<wtf_igo> im okay now yes
<wtf_igo> but
<wtf_igo> i stopped taking mdma when i was 23
<wtf_igo> im 32 now
<wtf_igo> it took me up until 2 years ago to be okay
<adventurous-society> wow
<adventurous-society> thats long time
<wtf_igo> yeah man its heavy stuff
<wtf_igo> i regret it honestly
<adventurous-society> but surely my damage isnt that bad? (10 years worth)
<wtf_igo> the problem for me back then
<adventurous-society> if im not doing grams
<adventurous-society> every day
<adventurous-society> i would never do that
<wtf_igo> man you are doing heavy doses too often
<adventurous-society> i wouldnt even do a gram every month
<wtf_igo> so yes the consequences of that could take years of work
<adventurous-society> or other month
<wtf_igo> also yoy binge on meth
<wtf_igo> albeit infrequently but still
<wtf_igo> you also tell me you are taking other drugs?
<adventurous-society> yes but i have no issue
<adventurous-society> or addiction
<adventurous-society> with other drugs
<wtf_igo> well then what is the issue with stopping?
<wtf_igo> i.e being sober
<adventurous-society> i feel like my level of use with other drugs is
<adventurous-society> acceptable
<adventurous-society> and doesnt cause issue in my life
<adventurous-society> but my mdma use is out of hand
<wtf_igo> what is your issue with being sober/
<wtf_igo> ?
<wtf_igo> poly drug addiction is a thing
<adventurous-society> to me, drugs are a central part
<adventurous-society> of the rave experience
<wtf_igo> exactly
<wtf_igo> why is that?
<wtf_igo> its not like that for all ravers
<adventurous-society> idk. you see at home when  i listen to dubstep i feel like
<adventurous-society> im high
<adventurous-society> just from the music
<wtf_igo> right
<adventurous-society> but ive never been to a show sober
<wtf_igo> so then why the need to add drugs?
<adventurous-society> i think maybe because ihave such bad social anxiety
<adventurous-society> that i need to do mdma at shows
<wtf_igo> i think its cause your mind has created the association
<wtf_igo> and you feel like you cant be as social without the drugs
<wtf_igo> but none of that is actually true
<wtf_igo> thats just a belief system you have developed because of the way your life has unfolded
<adventurous-society> like even before i started raving
<adventurous-society> i have panic attacks
<adventurous-society> from social situations
<adventurous-society> but mdma has helped
<adventurous-society> me be more confident
<adventurous-society> in daily life
<wtf_igo> sure so you got social anxiety, and yeah of course mdma is gonna force you to not worry about that while you are on it
<wtf_igo> so
<wtf_igo> of course you are more susceptible to becoming addicted to it
<wtf_igo> what would it mean to you to be able to go to a rave, stay sober, but still have just as much, if not even more fun, than what you have when you are there on drugs?
<wtf_igo> to be able to talk to people with confidence and no worries
<adventurous-society> ive recently discovered
<adventurous-society> 2cb + adderall
<adventurous-society> reduces my anxiety too
<adventurous-society> its very very fun but not as magical as MDMA
<wtf_igo> yeah drugs make you feel good
<adventurous-society> but i have amazing time
<wtf_igo> its not rocket science amn
<wtf_igo> man
<adventurous-society> i also frequently do LSD alone
<adventurous-society> when i do LSD i have bad trips
<adventurous-society> and think everyone is judging me
<adventurous-society> and police or security are after me etc
<adventurous-society> but i continue to do it because it enhances the experience
<adventurous-society> so much
<adventurous-society> but if i combine lsd with mdma i have great time
<wtf_igo> do you know what the word psychedelic means?
<adventurous-society> mind manifesting
<wtf_igo> right
<adventurous-society> lsd was my first love
<adventurous-society> before mdma
<wtf_igo> so you understand why you were having bad trips?
<adventurous-society> i tripped every weekend or other weekend
<adventurous-society> for 2 years
<wtf_igo> just forget about the drugs for a second and lets have a conversation
<adventurous-society> yea because
<wtf_igo> so you understand why you were having bad trips?
<adventurous-society> i cant let go
<adventurous-society> while at a show
<wtf_igo> so you understand why you were having bad trips?
<wtf_igo> oh
<wtf_igo> okay
<adventurous-society> and i get stuck in
<adventurous-society> ego traps
<wtf_igo> right you well to me it sounds a lot like your social anxiety was being amlpified while you were on it
<wtf_igo> which makes sense given that lsd is "mind manifesting" right?
<adventurous-society> yeah
<adventurous-society> i prefer doing LSD alone
<adventurous-society> but these last months ive been almost only tripping at shows
<wtf_igo> right so have you heard about people using psychedelic to heal themselves from mental illness
<wtf_igo> ?
<adventurous-society> in september i had such bad trip i was literally crying
<adventurous-society> at a festival
<adventurous-society> balling my eyes
<adventurous-society> and yes
<wtf_igo> right
<wtf_igo> so do you know how that works at all?
<adventurous-society> yeah
<adventurous-society> psychedelics changed
<adventurous-society> my life
<wtf_igo> tell me
<wtf_igo> well its not enough to just take them in your room
<adventurous-society> i used to do lsd every other weekend
<adventurous-society> 500+mcg
<adventurous-society> and meditate
<adventurous-society> for hours
<wtf_igo> do you know what integration is?
<adventurous-society> and DMT
<adventurous-society> and other drugs
<adventurous-society> yes
<adventurous-society> processing your trip and integrating
<adventurous-society> into life
<adventurous-society> i feel like i dont give myself enough sober time
<adventurous-society> to integrate
<wtf_igo> sure
<wtf_igo> sounds like thats right to me
<wtf_igo> so what does that say to you?