Confessions. Realizations. They seem to go hand in hand, but it never quite fits together. It is hard to put such concepts into words, I would fail if I tried, so I will not attempt.
	Before we get to today’s story, let me give you a background. It is nine year old me, my parents are in the middle of a heated divorce, and one day my step-father picks me up from my school and takes me to a parking lot, he parks his car and then looks at me blankly and says “Son, I’m leaving your mother.” Baffled by the statement, I had no reply and could only muster to say “okay.” He then dropped me off at our home, and drove off.
	I never saw him again.
	In order to cope with the loss of the only male role model figure I had ever had in my life, I created an alter ego, James Mackinaw. James was the sort of go about intelligent kind. I created him one day without even thinking about it, he was always there, in a way. I loved the alias so much that I began using it on everything, schoolwork, sign-in sheets, e-mail addresses. It even came to a point where, James was no longer my harmless alter-ego I could retreat to, he was me.
	It was about a year ago when I finally came to a point where I had to reclaim my life, I had to stop running. I suppressed James, I made him know I was the one in control. It probably sounds crazy, because it is. I had grown up and I no longer needed a role model, it was time to rid myself of him.

	It is only now that I realize that James was not simply an alter ego, but the “imaginary friend” I never knew existed. He was created in my head out of nothingness and his only purpose was to be a source of inspiration to me, a reason to keep living. He would give me advice in life, what I should and shouldn’t do, lessons on morality, all the things my father and step-father could never teach me. I admired James so much that I began signing his name on papers, instead of my own, as they were his decisions, not mine. This was the point of extremism.
	Then one day, I decided it was time to claim back my life, when I was ready to deal with my problems, I no longer needed him.
	I now know, that with coming to terms with the divorce of my parents that I have ridden myself of James, at least as a controlling force on my life that is. I could never entirely shake him from me. As you can see, I even use the alias JMackinaw to write articles even now.
	But in the back of my mind, I know he’s still there. He was my friend, the greatest friend I had ever had, but he was me. A rendition of my own mind about the perfect person, in my eyes. He waits for me, always watching, and I watch him back. A game of who will blink first. Who will close their eyes and let the other in.


	I hope to God I don’t fall back asleep.




With interest in myself
~JMackinaw