MURDER BUM HURT
A FAN FICTION
For Podayxs
(Happy Birthday)
Once upon a time (in whatever country Fire Emblem takes place in) there was a guy named Ike.  Ike was pretty cool.  He was tall, handsome, had blue hair (you gotta have blue hair), and a svelte physique that was admired around the world.
But most importantly, Ike was in the possession of two very, very important things, and those two things were:
A sword that looked like a gigantic penis.  Which wasn’t compensating for anything at all, really, because Ike already had a big dick but he didn’t brag about it because he was Ike and he just did that.
An incredible, tight butt; so tight that it glowed when Ike took his pants off.  Which was a little embarrassing sometimes so Ike always got dressed and undressed in his own tent away from everyone else.  Because his butt was so shiny.  He didn’t even need to use a lantern, since the light of his butt was sufficient.

And yet despite of his huge dick-sword and shiny butt, Ike was still sad.  This was because he had a Tragic Family, which comprised of a Dead Mom, and Dead Dad That Turned Out To Be A Villain and an Annoying Anime Sister.  Likewise, Ike was self-conscious about his shiny butt, because his dad told him that it wasn’t a thing to be proud of and Ike had to wear pants all the time or people would laugh at him.  So Ike did.
Ike’s dissatisfaction manifested in the form of extreme broodiness.  Ike was always angry about something.  It didn’t matter what.  For example, if he were having lunch and his apple were sour, he would take that apple and throw it in the air and spear it with his dick sword for no reason other than the fact that he was grumpy.  And Ike was grumpy all the time.
But he also channeled his anger in positive ways!  Like fighting for his friends.  Ike fought for his friends all day long.  Even when they did not want to be fought for.  Like when they had arguments Ike would always step in and fight for both sides and sometimes end up fighting with himself, at which point the argument would be forgotten and they would have to distract Ike with something cute (usually Soren—more on him later) or leave him to argue at himself until he had run out of logic.  And Ike was a man of very little logic.
Still, Ike’s better qualities and handsome face made him very popular, and he made many friends while working as a mercenary, which is what people in Fantasy Land do when they don’t want to be a merchant or the DM says that nobles are stupid and lazy and he wants his campaigns to be realistic.
But Ike’s bestest friend of all time was a guy named Soren. Soren looked like a girl, but he wasn’t. He was a DRAGON.  And dragons are different from girls.  Soren was very pretty.  He had pretty hair and pretty eyes and a pretty stoic personality and he liked to read a lot.  But most importantly, he thought Ike’s butt was beautiful, having seen it accidentally one night and grown enamored with its lustrous shine.
Day after day, Soren tried to tell Ike that he was in love, but unfortunately Soren was very bad at communication and directness.  Kind of like in The Princess Bride, only way prettier than Wesley and not a farm boy but a dragon.
Whenever Ike gave directions, and Soren responded with “If you say so,” it really meant, “I really wanna rub your shiny ass.”
Whenever Ike slashed a guy in half with his huge penis-sword, and Soren said “That was a passable critical, Ike,” it really meant, “That turned me on so hard that I’m honestly surprised my sexybits didn’t explode just now.”
Whenever Ike said they were going to stop in a town for the night, and Soren suggested, “This inn looks adequate,” what it really meant was, “I want you to carry me up the stairs like a princess and share a night of passion with me, Ike.”
But since Ike was a man of very little logic, and Soren only seemed to speak Sorenese (which was lovely when discussing matters of warfare  but not romance), Soren decided to visit a bookstore at the next possible instance and bought Ike a copy of Rosetta Stone: Sorenese for his birthday.
“I trust you will find this enlightening,” Soren said, which of course meant, “If you don’t kiss me full on the mouth the next time I flirt with you I am flying away so I can cry a river in a storm.”
So Ike, even though he was a man of little logic and even littler words, began the Rosetta Stone course (which was probably an actual stone, but a MAGIC stone, knowing how Fire Emblem works) and was soon learned in Sorenese.  And the next time Soren spoke to him, he understood perfectly what was being expressed.
“I feel that we should stop and rest for lunch,” Soren said, which of course meant, “I want so badly to put my mouth in your mouth and wriggle my tongue around.”
So Ike replied, in kind, “Yes, it would be sensible to stop and get some nourishment” which meant, “Meet me in the woods and I’m gonna make out with you so hard you’ll pass out.”
To this comment Soren blushed most unbecomingly, though it only made his pretty anime face even cuter.  Which made Ike smile most dashingly, which made Soren blush harder, which just made things worse and so on and so forth so Soren ran into the woods before his head exploded.
A few minutes later Ike showed up in the woods and they made out so hard that they both passed out, which is saying something for a man of Ike’s physique.
Soren and Ike’s delirious courtship continued for a good long while after, to the confusion of the rest of the party, who kept awaiting orders only to find them making out instead of battling dudes.  Ike’s mercenary band fell apart shortly afterward, and Ike didn’t much care because he was too busy caressing Soren’s perky little man-boobs all the time.
Though there was a barrier in their relationship progressing further, and that was Ike’s beautiful shining butt.  And though Soren had no issue with it whatsoever, Ike was still uncomfortable with taking his pants off for anyone because his daddy gave him a bad self-image about his butt, as you remember.  And this made Soren very sad, because he loved Ike’s butt very much and wanted to touch it and rub his face on it and get a sunburn from how much it glowed.
So one day Soren snuck into Ike’s tent in the night and started trying to take Ike’s pants off, because that’s a totally romantic and healthy thing to do.  And of course Ike woke up and made quite a lot of noise.
“Soren, what are you doing?!” Ike said.
“I wish to examine your gluteus maxiumus,” Soren said, which of course meant, “I want to touch your butt.”
“B-but my butt is hideous,” Ike said.  “It glows.”
“That is desirable to some people,”Soren said, which meant, “It’s taking me everything not to just rip off your pants and lick it right now.”
And Ike moaned uncomfortably and sexily.  Which of course meant that Soren had his permission to take the rest of Ike’s pants off.
So he did.
And the glow was like that of a warm golden sun radiating from Ike’s perfect buttcheeks, and Soren was in utter awe and proceeded to rub his cheek against the cheeks.
“You’re radiant,” Soren said, which meant, “Your ass glows and I think that’s hot.”
“But this isn’t right,” Ike said.
“If our current discourse is incorrect, then let me remain incorrect forever,” Soren said, which meant, “Like hell I care, let’s do it.”
“No, but-“
“But what?”
“But I’m the manly one,” Ike pouted.
“You are still the pinnacle of masculinity to me, Ike,” Soren said, which meant, “Look, can I just enjoy your butt or what.”
So Ike let Soren enjoy his butt and a night of literally glowing passion was shared.
Meanwhile this guy named Oscar was having sexy times with some angel dude because he liked angel dudes and the angel dude was feeling particularly self-loathing that night about the fact that he couldn’t fly, so it sorta worked out.
Nine months later Soren laid an egg because that’s how dragon physiology works.  And it really made his butt hurt and he almost murdered somebody but he didn’t because Ike would drop his trousers and hypnotize Soren with his beautiful bum and that immediately calmed him down.  And out of the egg they had a fat little half-dragon baby named Nyx Oliver Ike Jr. Babyface Sparkle Johnson Coffeebreak Melon Carnival.  And Ike and Soren were really bad dads because they’d take little Nyx Oliver Ike Jr. out on the battlefield and let him play with rusty axes and stuff.  But that was about as good as you could get it in those days.
And they went on to have many more fat babies because Ike and Soren couldn’t keep their hands off of each other and especially their butts.  And soon they had so many babies that they decided to settle down in a big house with a farm and lots of puppies (mostly Corgis) and books for Soren and Ike’s sister never came to visit which was the best.
And they lived happily ever after, shiny butts and all.
THE END