OZ ADVENTURES WITH MAGIC 2

The first thing I do after standing up is take inventory. Wallet? Check. Phone? Check. Tits? Nah yeah, that's a new one. Cock? Rest in piece, soldier...

Taking a deep breath in the cold early morning air, I take out my phone. Alright, if my ute is gone, then I'll just have to call up one of my mates to see if they'll buy me suddenly becoming a chick and come pick me up. Flicking open my old Nokia and turning it on, I wait for it to boot up and see the familiar image of the boys having some drinks.
Default Nokia screen.
I squinted closely at the illuminated screen, raising a delicate eyebrow. That's pretty odd. Pressing on the small numberpad with my thinner fingers, I navigated to the contacts menu.
Empty. Every contact was deleted.
My grip on my Nokia tightened a little and I grimaced. That fucking wanker decided it'd be funny to rifle through my pants and delete my contacts, as well as take off with me ute and some dead chick? What a twat. Pressing a lot of buttons quickly, I punched in my best mate's number. He'll probably help me, unless he's got a hangover. Classic Paul.

The number starting to dial, I held it to my ear, holding my breath as the tones played out multiple times. Five.. Six.. Seven times. I had a feeling he wasn't going to pick up, but then the sound of it being answered lifted my spirits like a bottle of spirits usually does.
"Hello?" His slurred voice came through, "Who the fuck is calling me this early?"
Suddenly, I was at a loss for words. What should I say to my good mate? No way he'd believe that I was Brian. I hadn't tested it, but I'm pretty sure there was a chick's voice in that throat.
"..Hello." Woah, yeah, that's pretty hot. Kinda young, still pretty hot. "Do you know a Brian?"
There was a pause over the phone. "..Is this some fucking prank call?" Paul took an audible breath. "No, I don't know a fucking Brian."
I was taken aback. He didn't know me? He just must have a hangover, or some shit. "You don't? Brian Heinez?"
"Oh come on, trying to make me sound like a fucking idiot at five o'clock! I'm not gonna say your fucking soup brand, you group of fucking teenage bastards!" The sound of the phone violently being put down, before a dial tone was heard repetitively beeping in my ear.

I think I held that phone for a good few minutes, just beeping next to my ear before slowly closing it and sliding it back into my loose jeans, taking out my wallet next. The first thing I noticed was my drivers license. At least, where the driver's license was supposed to be in the slots. It was blank. Devoid of anything, just a useless, white rectangle of plastic. I took it out, stared at it and threw it on the ground. So was the next card. And the next. And the next. By the end of it, all the cards contained in my wallet were on the grey asphalt, partially stepped on in my annoyed angst. Stupid fucking bogan chinese cartoon.

The last pocket of my wallet I checked was the money pocket, where all the notes were kept and I was surprised to find thirty 100 dollar bills inside. It was looking real shit before, but the fact I had access to that kinda money made the situation a little more bearable. I think I'd be alright, if I could just make it back to the city. Looking in the direction of the shining glass towers, I sniffed, wiped my nose and started walking down the highway, leaving my identity behind.

-----

A truckie was driving down the road, travelling north along the country highway, moving along towards the city. The morning sunshine beamed along the road, separating the bush in two large sections as he tapped his thumbs on the driving wheel. Something up ahead caught his eye, which happened to be a person hailing him over. A hitchhiker. He grinned, showing his yellow teeth. Seems like someone needs a ride...

-----

Hand sticking out of the road, I hailed that cunt over here and with relief I saw him starting to slow down and pull over to a stop next to me. Opening the passenger door I climbed up, sliding in onto the seat and making sure my shit didn't fall out of my pockets, as well as my tits. Turns out I wasn't supplied a bra or something, so I've been going boob-mando. It hurts.
"Hey, little miss." The man's deep country accent said to me, smirking through cigarette stained teeth. "What's a cute girl doing out in the middle of the bush?"
"Long story. Thanks for picking me up, mate."
"Woah woah, if you're gonna be so hush hush about it, at least tell me your name."
I looked at him a little funny, before looking out to the road. "..Uh, Brian-"
"Brianna? Hey, nice name. I like that, is cute. Now, let's get you on the way, shall we?"
I went to tell that cunt off but stopped myself. Brianna. Yeah, that works. Not as weird I'd think. Closing the truck door the engine revved up again and the truckie began to drive once more, heading closer towards those towers I wanted to be back near. Near people, HJ's, beer. It'd be nice to chill and get pazzed before dealing with all this shit again.

The ride went on for awhile, there wasn't much conversation aside from casual banter, but after a good twenty minutes or so he started to slow down. "Whew, I'm feeling pretty hungry, actually. Haven't had a bite to eat for breakfast yet. Y'mind if we pull over?"
I shrugged, relaxing into the chair a little. "Yeah nah, go for it."
He began to pull into a small roadside picnic area, devoid of any families and parked weirdly across the bays, which didn't seem right. Actually, I began to feel something at the back of my head that wasn't a tumor. It was.. More of a feeling, like something really WAS off with this situation. I began to tense up slightly, sitting back up as the man spoke again. "Now then... Time to eeeeat." Those last three words came out heavily distorted, getting lower in pitch as he blinked once.
He had eight eyes.

I'm glad I felt that urge, or I wouldn't of slammed open the truck door and tumbled the fuck out as the rapidly mutating.. THING took a snap at me with new fangs, or some shit, whatever. I tumbled out, doing a front flip and perfectly landing square on two feet which surprised even me. Wow man, nice body can do some athletic shit. Is crazy. The beast wasn't far behind, crawling out of the truck and standing on the roof of the truck, a tarantula the size of a king sized bed.
"...That's one big fucking spider."
Instincts kicking in I turned and ran, but the closer I tried running out onto the road the more I noticed that the exit was.. More solid. I briefly stopped, rubbing my eyes as the walls rose up, materialising all around and stopping with a small skylight. It was like I was trapped..

..Of course. This is that fucking thing's lair!
Hearing a monstrous shriek, I turned around to see the huge spider gaining on me, seemingly taking its time to come up to me and probably eat me. It was enjoying this, picking on some hot chick. What a sick fuck, even sicker than Paul.
With my back against the wall and the spider getting closer, I swallowed and took a deep breath.. When I heard the radio on the truck kick into life, static-y but audible, playing one song over the radio. Men At Work.

"...I said, "Do you speak-a my language?"
He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich
And he said-"

And then something told me to sing along to this classic song and by god it was the greatest shit I've ever done.
As I started to sing along, a shining light surrounded me, forcing the creature back in confusion as I was once surrounded in the miasma of colourful lights.
"I COME FROM A LAND DOWN UNDER!"
My clothes were taken away, for the time being as thick, heavy boots formed around my feet, long white socks running up my slender legs as the universe weaved cloth and draped it over my pretty beaut form.
"WHERE BEER FLOWS, AND MEN CHUNDER!"
Thick, rough fabric coated my hips, ass and crotch, forming some black short shorts, with a comfortable white singlet forming around my shoulder, with an orange fluro shirt over that, almost like my tradee jacket but much more chic.
"CAN'T YOU HEAR CAN'T YOU HEAR THE THUNDER?"
An overcoat, flowing down to my ankles formed around me, torn around the lower rim and billowing in the brilliant wind that surrounded me.
"YOU BETTER RUN, YOU BETTER TAKE COVER!"
Finally, an akubra hat formed around my head, my lengthy hair falling onto my shoulder as the light started to fade and I was brought back to reality.

The tarantula looked confused. Hell, I was fucking confused. What was even more confusing was what I thought was the sound of a really loud bird, slowly getting closer.. And then I instinctively raised my hand and precisely caught a shining white boomerang, curved sharply at one end. I looked at it, then back to the spider, then back to it, then back to the spider. That thing was doing the same, a rapid process of confusion before I made the first move, ditching the thing in a perfect arc which once again, surprised me.

What surprised me more was how fucking powerful that thing was. That created a short gale that blew that faggot back with wind speeds of Cyclone Tracy, knocking it backwards and flinging me high into the air, launching me all the way behind him. Once again, I landed perfect to my surprise, raising my arm again to catch the boomerang that had left my hand. I wish I had these reflexes before, this is fucking awesome.

The tarantula looked around in confusion before turning around to face me, but by then I'd already ditched this thing again, really wanting to deal some damage now. A powerful wind blew in from above, forcing the spider to brace himself to avoid actually being hurt by that, but that was perfect. The boomerang, on cue, returned to my hand and the spider staying still was what I needed. I glanced at the boomerang, smirking. "Tracy. Yeah, what a beaut you are." Focusing on what I wanted, I threw the boomerang, calling out after it. "COME ON, TRACE! GIVE US A TASTE OF THAT CYCLONE!"

It did what I wanted it to. The winds started to pick up and swirl around, blowing my cape around as the boomerang went around and around and around, the winds starting to get more and more violent as the spider was caught within the terrible storm. Debris started to pick up from within its lair as it started to rise up, out of the skylight and into the sunlight, rising higher and higher above the trees...
And then the winds stopped.
About 4 seconds later, there was a horrid thud sound as the tarantula landed smack bang in the middle of the lair, bodily fluids spraying everywhere as it was squashed by the mere force of gravity, writhing uncontrollably before curling up and turning to dust.

The blood showered me but my coat caught most of that shit, drops of green gunk coating my face as I wrinkled up my face. "Ugh, that's rank." Wiping it with my sleeve, I glance up to see the walls of the spider lair starting to disintegrate around me, falling apart before returning to the place it originally was; a roadside picnic area. Taking a deep breath, I grin widely as I look at Tracy, before tossing her away into the sky. As I did so, a flash of light wrapped around me as I was changed back to normal, with wallet and phone still in its place. I saluted the boomerang, wherever it went before walking back out to the road and starting to walk again.

Yeah, my life might be in shambles but I think that was pretty alright.
...Tits still hurt, though.