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Anne doesn't want to get married

FatChunks Oct 18th, 2019 84 Never
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  1. >Hop Pop: Anne, we need to talk
  2. >Anne: Sure, HP, bout what?
  3. >Hop Pop: I just wanted to tell you that I really consider you apart of the family.
  4. >Anne: Wow, thanks, Hop Pop!
  5. >Hop Pop: No, no I mean it, Anne! I don't say it as often as I should but, as far as I'm considered you're a Planter. In fact, I consider you the daughter I never had.
  6. >Anne: Aw! Thank you so much! I love you Hop Pop*sniff*
  7. >Hop Pop: I love you too, Anne... now that all that's out of the way... I think it's time we discussed you getting married.
  8. >Anne: ...What?
  9. >Hop Pop: Weeeeell, you are the oldest child, Kiddo. That comes with a lot of responsibilities like looking after the younger siblings, helping run the farm and of course, finding a partner to settle down with
  10. >Anne: You can't be serious
  11. >Hop Pop: Oh, I am, Anne! And let's face it you ain't getting any younger. At thirteen-years-old most frogs are already married and thinking about having kids. Why I remember when I was your age I-
  12. >Anne: HOP POP! Why the hell would I get married to someone here in your world!?
  13. >Hop Pop: It's just the way things are, Anne. Getting married to someone is a great way to benefit the family. Like when Sprig almost married Ivy. Folks here get hitched all the time to merge both small and greater families.
  14. >Anne: Okay, totally ignoring the fact that you practically want to sell me to someone else you forget that I'M HUMAN. No frog would want to marry me!
  15. >Hop Pop: Oh don't sell yourself short, Anne! You'd make a great wife! Why just the other day old-man Hickenbottom from the farm the down the road offered a dowry of your weight in copper and 20 bags of turnups to marry his son.
  16. >Anne: Wait, WHAT!?
  17. >Hop Pop: It was a tempting offer but I said "No way"!
  18. >Anne: Damn right you did!
  19. >Hop Pop: Yep, ol' Hop Pop ain't no fool. I told him his son may be a heartbreaker but Anne Boonchuy is worth at least silver. Plus his turnups ain't no good. Also despite your height you don't even weigh that much.
  20. >Anne: Hooooly Shit this is a lot to take in HP.
  21. >Hop Pop: I know the idea of marriage can be stressful but it's just the way things are done. Didn't your folks teach you any of this?
  22. >Anne: Okay, let me make this perfectly clear for you... I know things are done a certain way in your medieval frog world. But back home people don't get married for profit!
  23. >Hop Pop: Wait... they aren't?
  24. >Anne: NO!
  25. >Hop Pop: So you're parents weren't set up by their folks?
  26. >Anne: NO!!!! They met in college... or at a Tenacious D concert depending on who you ask. Look, point is back on Earth people get married because of love and not for profit
  27. >Hop Pop: Well how do you like that? And here I thought you're people also had arranged marriages.
  28. >Anne: Well we don't... normally.
  29. >Hop Pop: Normally?
  30. >Anne: I mean, yeah, we... okay here's a perfect example. There was this girl, Kamala, I knew in school whose family is from Middle Eastern and is very religious. I'm talking like the women wear hijabs, they read from the Qur'an and worship Allah. The whole nine yards, ya get it?
  31. >Hop Pop: Not at all but please continue.
  32. >Anne: Well her older sister moved back to Iran and her family there arranged a marriage for her. Half the family approved and the other half didn't. Now some of them don't talk to each other anymore.
  33. >Hop Pop: Oh, well now, that's just unfortunate.
  34. >Anne: Exactly! And the last thing I want to happen is... for that to happen us.
  35. >Hop Pop: Anne, Darling that's never going to happen. I realize our cultures are different and while I may be old fashioned... that last thing I'd want to do is force my opinions on you. That said to consider the whole marriage thing canceled.
  36. >Anne: Thanks Hop Pop! I knew you'd understand.
  37. >Hop Pop: Of course hon. Honestly, a part of me thought this might happen. Why I'm certain we'll look back on this day and laugh. The day Anne turned down 100 marriage proposals
  38. >Anne: Heh, yeah I'm sure I'll- WAIT WHAT! WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
  39. >Hop Pop: Oh, did I not mention? Loads of people here in Wartwood want your hand in marriage. I've got so many requests I had to make a list.
  40. >Anne: Okay, yeah, but 100!? Are you for real, dude!
  41. >Hop Pop: It's more like 76. 32 of them are frogs, 15 salamanders, 8 are-
  42. >Anne: DUDE! When I woke up this morning the last thing I expected to learn was there are 76 people in this town who want to fuck me!
  43. >Hop Pop: Now, Anne, there's no need to be crass! Besides most of them understand that you're a different species. Most of em are just unions for business so you wouldn't need to consummate the marriage.
  44. >Anne: Barf! Wait most of them?
  45. >Hop Pop: What I mean is in our world marriages are done to benefit the family. You're big and strong and a town hero so it's not that surprising. You'd be a great caretaker who can do the manual labor of 10 frogs.
  46. >Anne: So they just want my body!?
  47. >Hop Pop: Well, in some cases sorta yeah.
  48. >Anne: THAT'S BASICALLY THE SAME THING! Ugh, now I feel like I need a shower.
  49. >Hop Pop: Well alright then I'll let you go. But, say, since this matter is over and done with... ya interested in knowing who wants to marry ya? Ya know, for... how did you put it the other day, "shits and giggles"?
  50. >Anne: Hop Pop, let me make this perfectly clear! I do NOT, under any circumstances, want to know who in this town wants to marry me!
  51. >Quick Transition to Sprig's room
  52. >Anne: Sprig, Polly, do you know who in this town wants to marry me?
  53. >Sprig: You talking about Hop Pop trying to sell you to another family?
  54. >Polly: I thought you didn't care about all that
  55. >Anne: I don't, but at the same time a gal can't help but be curious. I also asking you two because I don't want to give HP the satisfaction of knowing he was right
  56. >Polly: Heh, how petty
  57. >Anne: I'm not actually interested in anyone. It's just...back home I don't get that many people who flirt with me.
  58. >Sprig: Why? Are you considred ugly by human standards?
  59. >Anne: WHAT! NO! I'm damn cute! Sasha just keeps most of them away. She's just overly protective. Now c'mon spill it! Who wants to put a ring on this finger!?
  60. >Sprig: Hmmmmm... well there's Old man Hickenbottom down the roads and his son.
  61. >Anne: Please, I already know about that cheapskate. Pfft, copper and turnups my ass! Gimme something new!
  62. >Sprig: Hmmmm... well there's Dale, the guy who owns the convenent store. Then there's Albert the blacksmith, who wants you to marry one of his sons.
  63. >Polly: I heard Jessie the pyrotechnician was interested.
  64. >Anne: I thought he just got married to his third wife.
  65. >Sprig: Fourth. And no, she passed away.
  66. >Polly: When you're married to a guy who makes fireworks for a living you don't tend to live very long.
  67. >Sprig: Oh, oh, oh! I heard Hop Pop dicussing a possible marriage between you and Wally!
  68. >Anne: Me and Wally! How would that be financally benefit Hop Pop, half the town doesn't even like him.
  69. >Sprig: The idea is you marry Wally, and he goes around acting crazy in front of rival businesses
  70. >Polly: They lose customers who come to us.
  71. >Anne: Is that even legal?
  72. >Sprig: That's for the courts to decide.
  73. >Polly: Hey Sprig, didn't you say something about Felicia Sundew making an offer?
  74. >Sprig: Oh yeah! Ivy's mom also made an offer!
  75. >Anne: What the hell! Ivy's mom wants me to marry her child!?
  76. >Sprig: What? No of course not... she was thinking about marrying you.
  77. >Anne: ........uuuuuuuh.
  78. >Polly: It sorta makes sense if you think about it. Sprig is on track to marry Ivy, Hop Pop is so gonna marry Silvia, so if Marry Felivia that would completely merge our families to one super family.
  79. >Anne: Guys I'm not sure how I'm supposed to process that a full grown woman wants me to marry her.
  80. >Sprig: Well on the bright side if you did you would offically be member of our family by law!
  81. >Anne: Sprig! If I married Felicia and you married Ivy that would make me your Sister-mother, Ivy your sister-wife, and Felicia your- Oh god I can already hear banjo music!
  82. >Poly: Anne? You gonna be okay, girl?
  83. >Anne: You know what! Forget I asked! I'm gonna take another shower.
  84. >Sprig: Okay, see ya later?
  85. >Anne: Actually... once last question... any idea who was willing to pay the most for me?
  86. >Sprig and Polly: Mrs. Croaker.
  87. >Anne: Don't tell me she wanted to marry me too.
  88. >Sprig: No, she actually has a rich nephew in Newtopia
  89. >Polly: I hear he was willing to pay tripe your weight in gold and 100 cow-worms.
  90. >Anne: ...huh... good to know. Still low-key creepy, but, good to know.
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