Nov 11th, 2016
- -- What is Sex For, Anyway?--
- Fortunately, Glitcher is being all glitchy all over this comic, so we can blame him for most of the "errors". But there are a few things that probably weren't his fault. Probably! Maybe they were?
- - Page 1, panel 5, Rulekeeper points out that "consummate" is supposed to have two Ms, but one of Glitcher's in panel 4 actually did have two.
- - Page 2, panel 4, something odd is going on with the neck hole on Rulekeeper's robe. Also, the table under her turns white from being grey previously, then goes back to being grey in panel 7. Panel 7, Rulekeeper's robe no longer has a neck hole at all. Panel 8, Rulekeeper's second speech bubble, "compatible" is spelled with an i. Panel 10, Alison is missing one of the lines of her top, just below her hair on the viewer's right side. Probably not Glitcher glitching since he hasn't gone near her yet.
- - Page 4, panel 5, speech bubble order is a little weird. Alison's "I guess they are" seems like it should come after Glitcher's "they're like those little stress balls", but the way Glitcher's first two bubbles are split up makes the eye move to Alison's bubble before he says that, so the lines get read out of order. If Glitcher's first two were merged into one, I think it would work better. Panel 7, Rulekeeper has white behind her on the right side.
- - Page 5, panel 5, Rulekeeper's third bubble: "it will make sure" sounds odd in context, I don't know what "it" she could be referring to; perhaps "I will make sure" was intended? Then Panel 8, Rulekeeper's "important" is missing an i.
- - Page 6, panel 6, the speech bubble order is... just kinda strange? When I read it, my eye wasn't immediately sure what I was supposed to read when. If it's possible, I'd recommend joining Rulekeeper's first two bubble much closer by moving the second one up and the first one over a little, and use the space to move Glitcher's first bubble up a bit so it's clearer that he speaks first. Then move Rulekeeper's "Hrm..." "Nothing" over, under her other two, and connect Glitcher's "yeeees?" to the first bubble instead of having its own tail, rearranging it so that it's more obvious that it comes before the "nothing".
- - Page 7, panel 7, I'd move their first few speech bubbles closer together so the alternating is a little more clear. Panel 9, Glitcher's "if you say so" makes sense on its own, but it seems a little odd leading into what he says in the next panel. Like, his attitude shifts weirdly? It feels like maybe it was originally going to be written differently or something, and the line got left behind. Just adding "but" to the beginning of Glitcher's dialogue in panel 10 would make it seem like a better transition.
- - Page 11, panel 5, the way Rulekeeper starts with "damn" makes it seem like she's about to exposit about how Glitcher caught her or something, but she actually talks about an idea she's getting to use on him. It's a strange order, like Rulekeeper is damning her own idea to adapt the add-ons. It might work better if the "damn" was in a separate little bubble, or if "damn. he's [...] to create these tools" was one bubble, then replacing "so I feel that" with something like "in that case" followed by "there may be a way [...] physiology" as a second bubble.
- - Page 12, panel 1, far right, the tentacle going into the third Rulekeeper's mouth isn't shaded.
- - Page 13, panel 3, I think the first speech bubble's tail is supposed to point towards Rulekeeper. Panel 4, first bubble, I think "does reflect" should be "do reflect", since then it would go "a variety of erogenous zones [...] that [...] do reflect what they like and dislike". Rulekeeper strikes me as a grammatical lady. Then in that case, "while it varies" might be better as "while they vary". "Do reflect" might also fit onto the sixth line and allow the words below to be shifted to fit the bottom of the bubble better, and while I'm on that point I'll suggest that "it does unlock" being changed to "it unlocks" might also help the words fit better in the bubble at the top.
- - Page 14, panel 2, Rulekeeper's "to go to do well" seems like it should be "you go to do well". Maybe even "you go to to do well", since Rulekeep's kind of proper in her speech patterns.
- - Page 16, panel 2, Glitcher's speech bubble seems like it was intended to be a thought bubble.
- - Finally, Page 19, panel 6, Sweatermouse's speech bubble(s) doesn't have a tail. Maybe intentional?
- -- Potion's Malfunction! --
- Not really my sort of thing, but that doesn't mean I won't proofread it!
- - Page 1, panel 1, no sign of Story or the lizardman having a tail. It might plausibly be behind her/him. Same for Story in panel 2.
- - Page 2, final panel, not sure what's going on behind Story's head, seems like there should be a few lines there for his foot.
- - Page 4, panel 2, I think there should be some shading for the table surface just under Story's chin.
- Pages 3 through 5, Story rolls over once or twice but I assume that's just part of the rough handling and time passing. More strange is that the guy he's jerking off with his hand seems to swap what side of the table he's on a few times, but it could be explained by saying Story's swapping the use of his mouth and hand between those two guys (maybe add a speech bubble somewhere where one of them says "give me a go at his mouth" or something?). The final page still seems a bit odd even with that explanation, though. Story is facing away from the guy in his butt in the first panel, it's implied that very little time is passing from there to the fifth panel (going from "I think I'm gonna" to o-faces), and then as they cum he's facing towards the guy he's riding. They could have suddenly spun him around between panels; not sure what could be done to fix it without maybe adding speech to imply that's what happened.
- Finally, the big one.
- -- Death Ray --
- But despite it's size, not actually that many corrections to be done!
- - Page 2, panel 5, what I think is a missing line makes Polo look like she has a super thick neck.
- - Page 4, Panel 1, the two thought bubbles on the left have no tails or connectors.
- - Page 5, panel 2, a line from the background is over Polo's arm. Panel 3, I'd suggest filling Polo's thought bubble trail the same shade as the background of her imagination.
- - Page 6, panel 2, what I assume is Polo's thought bubble has no trail toward her head. Panel 3, Katzati's "yep, not flirting anymore!" is a speech bubble when I think it's supposed to be thought.
- - Page 10, panel 3, Polo has some white under her jaw that I think is supposed to be shaded as background.
- - Page 11, panel 3, there's a line missing between Polo's hands.
- - Page 12, panel 6, the UDA lady's (Kyree's, but the name belonging to her isn't clear until later) speech bubbles don't have tails.
- - Page 13, panel 1, Liya's right leg is missing the line where her shorts end. Panel 3, second to last line of Korli's speech bubble, "instant" is missing an i. Panel 5, the "that" in Korli's "for sure about that without" seems odd, since it's not clear what "that" she's referring to from previous dialogue. Just "for sure about without" would work, I think, or replacing it with "this". Panel 6, I think the lady strung up in the back has her thumb on the wrong side of her hand.
- - Page 14, panel 3, maybe I'm just oblivious or it's intentionally vague, but I don't feel clear on who Polo's referring to by "her", or if the "just by the sight" incident she refers to was supposed to be something we've seen. Panel 7, maybe Polo's "shi" supposed to have a T at the end? Maybe not.
- - Page 15, in panel 7 it looks like Rokoa's belt has been opened, then in panel 10 it's closed again. Panel 7 also looks like a few small lines are missing around the bases of Rokoa's legs.
- - Page 17, panel 2, on re-reading it's clear that Kyree's last two speech bubbles should be read as one, but the way they're placed, the instinct is to read Rokoa's last bubble between them. My suggestion would be to join those two bubbles up and divide Rokoa's last one so that it can fit under it and into the space beside her head. Panel 4, I think Kyree's missing a line for her torso somewhere under her arm. Panel 7, Rokoa's might be missing a line for her thigh somewhere under her belt.
- - Page 19, panel 5, Korli's "get me want to have a go" should probably be "get me to want to have a go", or possibly "make me want to have a go". Panel 8, first square, "yelling at others right now to let her fuck them, now" seems like redundant "now"s. "backed up again all the way" is also odd, could be "backed up all the way again". Second square, not really incorrect but "orgasmed" always sounds weird to me, "had an orgasm" or just some more casual phrase is what I'd have used, but that's more personal.
- - Page 20, panel 1, the speech bubbles could be moved a little to make it clearer that "kyree speaking" comes after "rokann to base". Panel 2, Katzati's expression looks a little odd with no eyebrows. Panel 3, Korli's fifth speech bubble, "abount" is afflicted with a stray N. Panel 4, "maybe not feed her" should robably be "maybe not feeding her", but it might not fit in the bubble. Panel 6. Korli calling Kyree by name and then also calling her "operator" seems odd.
- - Page 21, panel 2, Korli's bubbles have no tail.
- - Page 22, panel 2, the speech bubble tail makes it seem like Polo's speaking. Panel 9, "I only was daydreaming" should probably be "I was only daydreaming".
- - Page 23, panel 4, it's pretty clear anyway, but Katzati's speech bubble could do with a tail pointing up. Panel 5, Polo has no nipples.
- - Page 24, final panel, "I'm taking over the operations on the whole" sounds odd. Maybe "I'm taking over the whole operation"?
- - Page 25, panel 6, last bubble "down to normally" should be "down to normal" unless Korli speaks weird. Final two panels, I'd move Korli's bubbles to overlap together so it's clearer you read them both as one. Also Korli is missing eyebrows and the commander's missing her nose.
- - Page 26, Commander's third speech bubble, "if the ship AI a life threatening emergency" probably needs a "detects" in there. Final panel, second to last speech bubble, "before they get too too full to suck anymore".
- - Page 27, panel 4, "the hammer is off" seems like it should be something coming in from Katzati, not that Rokoa's saying. That or Rokoa should be saying "the jammer is on".
- - Page 28, panel 1, Korli could do with some eyebrows.
- - Page 29, panel 5, Rokoa needs a line to separate her shirt from where her tail starts.
- - Page 31, panel 4, "right where polo wants to" should probably be "right where polo wants her".
- - Page 32, panel 2, Katzati needs a tail or connecter on her last speech bubble.
- - Page 33, panel 4, Korli could do with a line for the bottom of her shorts on her far leg.
- - Page 34, panel 3, "the balls just keep coming!" bubble has no tail, don't know if it's supposed to be speech or thought.
- - Page 35, "did she... doesn't know" seems strange.
- And that's it!
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