FoR YeArS MsN MeSsEnGeR WaS ThE WhOlE WoRlD.

yOu’d mEeT SoMeOnE AnD, eVeN ThOuGh tHeY WeRe sTaNdInG ThErE In fRoNt oF YoU, aLl bLoOd aNd hAiR AnD SkIn aNd lUnGs aNd aPpEnDiXeS, eVeN, iN SoMe oF ThEm, ThE LuCkY FeW, yOu’d hAvE AsK FoR ThEiR AdDy. YoU’D SiDlE OvEr tO SoMeOnE AnD SaY: “So… YoU GoT MsN?” AnD YoU KnEw tHeY HaD MsN BuT YoU HaD To aSk tHeM, sUcH WaS ThE RoUtInE. tHeY’D NoD, nOt lOoKiNg aT YoU, sLoWlY TiPpInG HaLf a bOtTlE Of gLeN’S VoDkA InTo hAlF A BoTtLe oF OfF-BrAnD EnErGy dRiNk, TrYiNg nOt tO SpIlL AnY On tHeIr mUm’s nEwLy vArNiShEd tAbLe. “yEaH…” YoU’D SaY. “Me tOo. WhAt’s yOuR… yOuR AdDy?” aNd iT WaS FrOm hErE ThAt tHiNgS WoUlD SpIrAl.

YoU CoUlD TeLl a lOt aBoUt sOmEoNe fRoM ThEiR ScReEnNaMe. MoReSo tHaN NoW, wHeRe eVeRyOnE Is eItHeR CaLlEd ‘CoMmIe lEe jOnEs’ Or tHeIr gIvEn nAmE. wE HaD OnE KiD In oUr cLaSs (WhO WiLl rEmAiN NaMeLeSs bEcAuSe i cAn’t rEmEmBeR ThEiR NaMe) WhO EvErYoNe tHoUgHt wAs a mUrDeReR BeCaUsE HiS ScReEnNaMe oN MsN WaS JuSt hIs rEgUlAr nAmE SpElLeD OuT In sEnTeNcE CaSe. In rEtRoSpEcT, mAyBe wE WeRe rIgHt: I ThInK AbOuT ThAt bIt iN ThE PsYcHoPaTh tEsT WhErE JoN RoNsOn wRiTeS ThAt pSyChOpAtHs sTaNd bOlT UpRiGhT In tHe cEnTrE Of rOoMs aNd rUn fTsE 100 CoMpAnIeS. i bEt tHe cEo oF GuEsT KeEn & nEtTlEfOlDs hAd a dEcIdEdLy sOmBrE MsN NaMe bEfOrE He cAmE To dOmInAtE ThE AeRoNaUtIcAl eNgInEeRiNg iNdUsTrY. oCcAsIoNaLlY, hOwEvEr, YoU’D FiNd oUt tHaT YoUr cRuSh hAd pErSoNaLiTy. MaYbE It wAs oNe yOu dIdN’T QuItE ExPeCt. YoU WoUlDn’t tAlK To tHeM—ObViOuSlY NoT, nOt rIgHt aWaY AnYwAy—aNd yOu’d jUsT SiT ThErE AnD StUdY ThE NuAnCe oF ThEiR ChArAcTeR UsE In tHe ‘OnLiNe’ LiSt oF YoUr mEsSeNgEr wInDoW AnD SeE HoW It wElL It mEsHeD WiTh yOuR OwN.

iT’S HaRd tO ImAgInE ThE CoNcEpT Of sTiCkY CaPs nOw. (bUt iF YoU’D ReAlLy lIkE To, HeRe’s a pAsTeBiN LiNk tO ReAd tHiS EnTiRe aRtIcLe iN ThE FoRmAt.) sOmEtImEs cAlLeD StUdLy tYpE By pEoPlE WhO HaVe pAsSwOrD MaNaGeRs aNd wAtCh a lOt oF HeNtAi, ThE TyPoGrApHiC EcCeNtRiCiTy oF ThE AlTeRnAtInG UpPeRcAsE-LoWeRcAsE SeQuEnCe wOuLd bE ToO MuCh iN A WoRlD WhErE LiNgUiStIc qUiRkS AlReAdY ThRiVe oNlInE WiThOuT DeVoLvInG InTo fUcKiNg wItH StAnDaRd sEnTeNcE StRuCtUrEs. NoW YoU JuSt jIb oUt tHe cApItAlS FoR GoOd; MaYbE ThE PuNcTuAtIoN, tOo, If yOu’rE FeElInG FrUiTy; ThE LoWeRcAsE-OnLy sTyLe lEnDiNg a cHeErY, iRoNiC ToNe tO EvErYtHiNg yOu sAy, LiKe eAcH TwEeT ShOuLd bE ReAd iN ThE VoIcE Of gOnZo fRoM ThE MuPpEtS. iN ThE DiAl-uP DaYs, YoU HaD To rEaLlY CoMmIt tO ShOwInG HoW QuIrKy yOu wErE By tApPiNg tHe cAp lOcK On aNd oFf wItH OnE FiNgEr wHiLe yOu tYpEd tHe lEtTeRs wItH AnOtHeR (kNoWn aS ‘hUnTiNg-aNd-pEcKiNg’ Or, MoRe hIlArIoUsLy, ‘eAgLe fInGeRiNg’ In tHe tOuCh-tYpInG GaMe). iT WaS A PaIn. It wAs a cHoRe. TyPiNg yOuR NaMe oUt nOrMaLlY WoUlD’Ve bEeN So mUcH EaSiEr. WhO KnOwS HoW MaNy sEcOnDs i wAsTeD TeNtAiVeLy eAgLe-iNg mY WaY ThRoUgH InCrEaSiNgLy eArNeSt hYbRiD ThEoRy lYrIcS InTo mY ScReEnNaMe. MaYbE I WoUlD’Ve aCtUaLlY GoNe tO UnIvErSiTy. MaYbE EvErYtHiNg wOuLd’vE BeEn sO DiFfErEnT.

It’s aLl cOnJeCtUrE NoW As tHe tHoUgHt pRoCeSsEs oF ThOsE HeAdY, hOrMoNe-cRaZeD DaYs wEaR AwAy wItH EaCh pAsSiNg dAy aNd eAcH MaTtEr-aLtErInG MoBiLe pHoNe sIgNaL, bUt iT SuRe fElT CoOl aT ThE TiMe. LiKe sItTiNg oN ChAiRs tHe wRoNg wAy rOuNd oR HoLdInG YoUr pEn lIkE A DaGgEr, StIcKy cApS WeRe a tInY AcT Of rEbElLiOn aT A TiMe wHeN AcTuAl aCtS Of rEbElLiOn wErE OfTeN As sAvOuReD As tHeY WeRe hArD To cOmE By. YoU MaY NoT HaVe dArEd tO SmOkE CiGaReTtEs aFtEr sChOoL (mY MuM WoUlD’Ve sMeLlEd tHeM On mE BeFoRe i’d eVeN TuRnEd dOwN My rOaD) bUt yOu cOuLd sUrE FuCk wItH ThE LeTtErS YoUr sCrEeNnAmE, hIdInG LiTtLe mEsSaGeS In tHeRe aNd cLuEs fOr tHoSe wHo wAnTeD To dEcOdE ThEm.

OnE ExAmPlE PrEsEnTeD By wIkIpEdIa: “mEsSaGeS MaY Be hIdDeN In tHe cApItAl aNd lOwEr-cAsE LeTtErS SuCh aS "sHoEbOx" WhIcH SpElLs "SeX" iN CaPiTaLs aNd "HoBo" In lOwEr-cAsE.” WhIcH Is hAnDy fOr aNyOnE CaRrYiNg a bInDlE FuLl oF CoNdOmS On tHe eNd oF ThEiR BrOoMhAnDlE.

I ShOuLdN’T MiSs sIlLy tHiNgS LiKe tHiS, bUt i dO. i wAs nOt sMaRt eNoUgH To tAlK In gIbBeRiSh lIkE ThE GiRlS In mY ClAsS (mY GiRlFrIeNd sTiLl lIkEs tO BuLlIeS Me bY TaLkInG In iT SoMeTiMeS) bUt i cOuLd jUsT AbOuT HaNdLe cArEfUlLy aLtErNaTiNg uPpEr-aNd-lOwEr-cAsE LeTtErS. iT ReQuIrEd lItTlE ThOuGhT AnD StIlL MaDe mE FeEl sMaRt. It mAdE Me fEeL CoOl. It mAdE Me fEeL GoOd. NoW I HaVe tO ReSeArCh sTuFf aBoUt fOuCaLt aNd cOmMuNiSm aNd sErIe a tO SoUnD CoOl. StIcKy cApS MaDe tHiNsG So sImPlE. lIkE ThE BeEp tEsT, mAyBe iT WaS A TeSt oF EnDuRaNcE ThAt sAiD SoMeThInG Of yOuR ChArAcTeR, wHeThEr tHaT Be tO YoUr pE TeAcHeR AnD HiS ClIpBoArD, oR, mOrE ImPoRtAnT, tHe cLaSsMaTeS YoU WeRe tRyInG To hOoK Up wItH.

mAyBe iTs jUsT My sOcIaL MeDiA FrAzZlEd bRaIn, WhErE I CaNnOt sIt dOwN To cOoK DiNnEr wItHoUt fIfTeEn aPpS PuShInG Me tHeRe, AnOtHeR ApP To rEmInD Me wHeRe i aM AnD WhAt i’m dOiNg oNcE I’M FiNaLlY In pOsItIoN, bUt i eNvY ThE LeVeL Of dEdIcAtIoN InVoLvEd iN It nOw: I’Ll wRiTe tHoUsAnDs oF WoRdS AbOuT StIcKy cApS BuT ThE ThOuGhT Of aCtUaLlY DoInG StIcKy cApS In eArNeSt mAkEs mE WhIsTfUl aNd iMpReSsEd. MaYbE It sPeAkS To sOmE KiNd oF AnImAl pArT Of tHe bRaIn tHaT EqUaTeS SuCh dIgItAl fOrTiTuDe wItH OlD WoRlD AtTrIbUtEs lIkE HeArT AnD DeSiRe aNd sTrEnGtH. sTrEnGtH LiKe tHe eXpLoReRs oF OlD, wHo dId tHeSe tHiNgS JuSt bEcAuSe tHeY CoUlD.

gEt iN YoUr tImE MaChInE AnD AsK ThOsE GeOrGe mAlLoRyS Of mSn mEsSeNgEr wHy tHeY BoThErEd wItH StIcKy cApS At aLl.

ThEy’lL RePlY To yOu sImPlY: “BeCaUsE It’s tHeRe.. xX”