It's 3 am, Oct 14...

Time moves so quickly.
Yesterday was a week ago. I'm going to blink and it's going to be mid terms. I'm not looking forward to them. I study, and study, but I know I won't succeed. I never succeed. It almost feels pointless to try. But let us say I succeed, does it matter? If it doesn't matter, why do I care? Why is so much of my self worth so dependent on a grade. I don't even enjoy what I'm doing, but to not enjoy doesn't mean to hate. Everything is just a blur. It has been for a while. There is no joy. There's only sadness and hate. It's like being cynical, but never in a constructive way. Is therefore a point in finding the bad in something if you don't take any steps to making them good, evading them, or finding an alternative? Not to my understanding.
For the past few hours, I've been asking myself to die. Something about it feels reassuring. It's like saying "You'll be alright" after you sprained an ankle. The ankle hurts, you can't walk right, and you don't know when it will heal...
But it will heal and you will be alright... Evenually.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm aiming for or waiting for our striving for. I have no goals, no passions, no interests, no skills.
I'd say I'm a blank slate, but at least blank slates can be written on. I can't tell if that's why I hate myself. For someone so seemingly self aware, I was never able to answer that question...
Why do I hate myself?
Why do I want to die?
"I just do" isn't going to solve anything.
At first, I thought I hated myself because it was what what everyone did... Then I realized they didn't.
After, I thought I hated myself because of my appearance... Then I realized I'm beautiful.
After, I thought I hated myself because I have no friends... Then I realized that I'm better off alone.
I won't deny that my social life is lacking, but I won't pretend it's the reason. If anything, I'd be in more pain if I was surrounded by people.
Sometimes, my mind drifts and all I hear is the repetition of "kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself." As if I actually have a choice.

Funny enough, I do have a choice. I could do it right now, who'd stop me?
I would. I'd stop myself, and I know that... So do I really have a choice if I know I can't? Or do I truly have the choice, but my answer has already been chosen as to stay alive. But that part that forces me to live... Is it a thought it something biological that I have no control over?