"I am about to do something very bold in this job that I've never done before: Try."
"I am a black belt in gift wrapping."
"Justice Beaver is a crime fighting beaver."
"Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train."
"Tomorrow I can tell you what a great boss you turned out to be. Best boss I ever had."

"I've always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work, half-heartedly."
"If I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob, I can pretty much sell anything."
"Having a baby is exhausting - having two babies, now that's just mean.
"Everything I have I owe to this job...this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job."
"Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."

"My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with."
"Nope, social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion."
"I just needed you to know. Once."
"Not enough? You are everything."
"That's my favorite part of Christmas, the authority."

"I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve...I was home by nine."
"Oh my boss is singing "Closing Time."
" Wow you've really embraced the whole Bond villain aesthetic."
"I don't understand the desire to push sweet potato fries on me. I just want regular fries."

"I think we can agree all wine tastes the same, and if you spend more than $5 on wine, you're stupid."
"I hate talking to people about things."
"Time is money. Money is power. Power is pizza. Pizza is knowledge. Let's go."
"I love games that turn people against each other."
"I declare that everything you are saying is stupid."

 "I wasn't listening, but I strongly disagree."
"Why does everything have to be cloaked in like 15 layers of irony?"
"I guess I kind of hate most things, but I never really seem to hate you."
"The only things I like are dogs, sleeping late and weird birthmarks."
"You don't add up."

"What? I love garbage."
"I really only listen to, like, German reggae, Halloween sound effects from the 1950s, and Bette Midler. Obviously."
"Horizons are dumb. Never broaden your horizons."
"The air is so fresh. It's disgusting."
"A couple more rules: if you ever watch a sad movie, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you’ve been crying."