playlist II

𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙮𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙖 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙪𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙤𝙛 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙄. 𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙣 𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙛𝙞𝙧𝙨𝙩:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQvqRSMw0IrP8k83AEarikczUlWwGzwrS&disable_polymer=true

𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝗯𝗲𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴! 𝗰𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗸 𝘁𝗼 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗮𝗻𝗱.
𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝗿 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗶𝗻 𝗼𝗿𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗼𝗱 𝘄𝗶𝘀𝗲. 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝘁 𝘀𝗵𝘂𝗳𝗳𝗹𝗲.
more songs will be added. these ones aren't necessarily in order. didn't want to mess up the order of part I by adding these songs to that playlist

𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬
𝟭. 𝗯𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗸𝗲𝘁 - 𝗼𝗵 𝗯𝗲 𝗰𝗹𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿
a bit of a general prelude. felt like i am hopeless, just hiding from my fears, mistakes, thoughts, people, trauma, abuse etc. feeling like a slave to my mental illnesses, feeling the need to guard myself from what i just mentioned to save myself, put up walls, isolated, but at the same time i needed a friend to care.  pulling the same shit over again, which then continues into song #2
𝟮. 𝘄𝗮𝗹𝗸 - 𝗳𝗼𝗼 𝗳𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘀
i kept starting over and over. trying again and again and failing. applies throughout these past years (and my life). applies for before, during, and after 4m. mostly related to substance use, self harm, and other stuff but also emotion, mental, and thought wise.
𝟯. 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗶𝘁 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗼𝗻 𝗺𝗲 - 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝗼𝗼𝘁 𝗰𝗿𝘂𝘁𝗰𝗵
before, during and after 4m. i thought you hated me and i deserved to be abused and i just wanted you to stay even if you abused me.
𝟰. 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝗶𝘀 𝗲𝘅𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝗺𝗲 - 𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗵 𝗻𝗮𝗶𝗹𝘀
i was always waiting on a reply from you or for you to come online, crying, feeling empty, wanting to die, every day felt the same. this goes for before, during, and after 4m. the stagnancy of my life and same shit every day was extremely painful especially while missing you or just wanting you to be my friend.
𝟱. 𝗿𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗿 - 𝗼𝗵 𝗯𝗲 𝗰𝗹𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿
general feeling of love me even though i am broken, i feel rejected, if i die will it make it better?", i would die by you, and a feeling of even though i've been neglected and hurt by you and hurt you as well, that i could still die happy from you being in my life, hurting me or not. goes with the "i want to be abused" feeling.

"𝙘𝙖𝙣'𝙩 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥 𝙞'𝙢 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙖 𝙧𝙚𝙟𝙚𝙘𝙩 rejected by you and the world
𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚𝙨 𝙞 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙨𝙤 𝙙𝙖𝙢𝙣 𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙩 abandoned, neglected, hurt, lonely
𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙗𝙖𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙢𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙖𝙡𝙩𝙞𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙨 made me cry a lot
𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙞'𝙢 𝙨𝙖𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙮 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙚 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙖𝙘𝙚 𝙢𝙮 𝙛𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙨" feared death as to stay alive to see if you'd come back, but in my sadness it felt like death was the only way out

derelict - in a very poor condition as a result of disuse and neglect, a person without a home, job, or property.

𝟲. 𝗲𝘅𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗼𝗿𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗿𝘆 𝗴𝗶𝗿𝗹
about me. in past when i was younger, also in recent years. crying and feeling suicidal and alone. male and female pronouns are used and i like to think of that as me throughout my life
𝟳. 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗻𝗼𝘄 - 𝗼𝗵 𝗯𝗲 𝗰𝗹𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿
after, before, and during 4m, after overdose. general song for how i felt about you. before rl: i didn't understand why you were upset, hurt, mad, etc. i didn't know what you were feeling. i wanted you to tell me and let me help you and i wanted to protect you. i didn't know, everything about you seemed so distant and confusing. i wanted you to let me in and let me keep you safe and hear you talk about yourself. this is still how i feel but i am much less uncertain about how you feel now and now i know why you were upset, it was because you loved me