daily pastebin goal
6%
SHARE
TWEET

Love Between A Man and A Mare Shorts

Archiver-Writefag Oct 29th, 2017 (edited) 3,735 Never
Not a member of Pastebin yet? Sign Up, it unlocks many cool features!
  1. There is nothing more pure than love between a man and a mare.
  2.  
  3.  
  4. A collection of stories for your viewing pleasure;
  5.  
  6. Insights Into Love: https://pastebin.com/8EPf7h9H
  7.  
  8. Minty's Careful Steps: https://pastebin.com/P2aD5GVa
  9.  
  10. Spanning the Divide Between Hearts: https://pastebin.com/hKMgKdQw
  11.  
  12. Dough Hearts: https://pastebin.com/QQg5pbGD
  13.  
  14. Misc. Stories Bin from previous threads: https://pastebin.com/0JMPM6F8
  15.  
  16. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  17. >Year 2030
  18. >The portal has been open for several years now and the government has doubled down on security around it's perimeter
  19. >They've had to employ mostly under trained, under qualified women as the vast majority of capable men have been smuggled away by the ever elusive 'Equestrian Express,' an 'underground railroad' of sorts ran by an elite team of unicorn mares
  20. >The higher ups have decided not to try blocking passage on the Equestrian side of the portal, not since the embarrassing fiasco of the women sent last time being sent back through in a timely fashion completely naked with their weapons wrapped and bound around their arms and legs
  21. >Being seen by the public as to be losing control of the situation, they've instituted much higher penalties to being caught trying to cross over
  22. >Including portal guards being authorized to use lethal force if necessary
  23. >Although there has yet to be any fatalities
  24. >Men arrested and sent to processing keep disappearing from their cells in the night, no matter how tight the security postings
  25. >And any fired upon never seem to actually get hit, as though the bullets simply curve around them
  26. >The Equestrian operatives are never seen directly, despite their obvious presence and operations in the area
  27. >Merely reports of slim, shadowy figures moving quickly and low to the ground, always in the periphery of a posted guard's vision
  28. >Truly more drastic measures will have to be enacted soon
  29. >"We got another one, Sparks."
  30. >Quickly rolling to your hooves from your comfortable bedroll with a groan, you join your Specialist, Fighting Chance, at her overwatch position
  31. "Direction?" you ask, rubbing the sleep from an eye with your fetlock
  32. >You are Sergeant Cardinal 'Sparks' Virtue
  33. >"At your 11 o'clock Sarge," she says, pointing a hoof further down the valley towards a shrub obscured ditch.
  34. >"Looks like he's hunkering down, waiting for that patrol to make another circuit."
  35. >And you're the leader of one of several Arcanae Specialist units charged with shuttling runners out of their homeland and into Equestria
  36. >Levitating your helmet over, you slot your horn through and snap down the visor
  37. >Immediately the low light twilight is cut through, the object of your interest lights up a brilliant white, sticking out from his darkened surroundings like a split hoof
  38. >Celestia are the advancements the humans brought when smuggled over incredible
  39. "I got him Chance, go collect the other two from their positions. We got work to do."
  40. >Giving a nod and a quick stomping salute she's off, slinking through the dark crevices of the rocky cliff face you're observing from
  41. >While you wait you carefully observe your little runaway for anything abnormal, any unusual signs of distress or injuries
  42. >Just like Chance said, he seems to be hunkering down, no signs of physical discomfort aside from the usual from hiking such long distances in the chilly desert night air
  43. >Catching a pillar of heat escaping into the night sky out of the corner of your eye, your gaze snaps from your soon to be charge to those of your unit
  44. >Looks like Chance has rounded up Corporal Hopeful Dawn and Specialist Glamour Charm
  45. >Time to get to work
  46.  
  47. "What the fuck am I even doing out here..." you mumble to yourself
  48. >Digging through your pack for a bottle of water you reflect on your journey so far
  49. >Three days, nearing on four now hiking through the Arizona Desert has not been fun
  50. >Your water is running dangerously low and you ran out of rations this morning
  51. >Can't carry too much with while evading the portal guards, now can you?
  52. >You quickly came to the realization that moving in the afternoon sun would not be a good plan, heatstroke can become a real problem real fast
  53. >Navigating by night is almost just as bad, between how freezing it can get at times and having to travel by moonlight so as not to alert any of the, admittedly, pretty ineffective patrols
  54. >You swear you nearly got kicked in the head by a two woman patrol the night before, having to had made a quick hiding attempt into some thick dry bushes by the road when they turned a bend on you, taking you by complete surprise
  55. >Thank all that is good they couldn't hear the rustling over their own conversation
  56. >Patrols with NVG's instead of flashlights definitely tend to make things a little trickier
  57. >As oblivious as they can be, it doesn't make the tasers at their sides or the rifles in their hands any less real
  58. >Sighing as you pull out two bottles, one half full, you pull the cap off the emptier and take a mouthful
  59. >Nearly four days out here and still no sign of the Equestrian Express, despite being in the area marked on your map from your contact
  60. >You are in the right area right? You know how to read a map but you're beginning to doubt yourself
  61. >You expected to find some camp or maybe a guy spotting you and getting your attention, or maybe alerting some other men to come and get you
  62. >Shaking your head and twisting the cap back on your bottle, you set it down and slide your pack under your neck
  63. >Might as well rest and catch your breath until that patrol makes it's run and passes you again, then you can begin your futile search for another night
  64. >Closing your eyes and breathing deeply of the chill night air, your breath catches in your throat and heart begins beating in your ears as you catch the sound of rocks shifting and falling down the canyon wall on your side of the dirt path
  65. >Staying completely still you strain your ears, barely making out the sound of hushed, urgent whispering, disctinctly feminine whispering at that
  66. >"Good job WILD. I remember why you got that nick now, Chance."
  67. >"Charm, shut it! He can hear us!"
  68. >Hissing multiple expletives you scramble to your feet and grab your pack and make a run for it
  69. >Dropping all pretense of stealth they explode into activity
  70. >"Horseapples! Dawn, grab him!"
  71. >Hearing a shimmering, tinny sound behind you and tripping over your own feet as something wraps around your ankle you shout out in alarm
  72. >But before you can hit the ground something that feels weirdly warm and smooth practically caresses your chest, halting your fall
  73. "What in the f-mmph!?"
  74. >A violet, almost floating liquid-like glow closes your mouth before you can keep yelling
  75. >Flailing in a panic you hear... footsteps approaching you?
  76. >And a soft, comforting voice reaching out to you
  77. >"It's okay, it's okay big guy, we're here to help. So much for easing into introductions, huh? You're out looking for the Equestrian Express, right? Why else would you be out here?"
  78. >Trying to squint past the violet glow keeping you from speaking, you can just make out a small shadowy shape nearing you... a mare's shape
  79. >A unicorn's shape
  80. >Eyes shooting open in shock and relief you nod your head yes as fast as you can nearly giving yourself whiplash
  81. >Giggling at your antics, she finally steps close enough to where you can make out the soft features of her face and wide smile against the, what you now understand to be magical, glow
  82. >"Excellent! You'll be travelling with us from now on. Dawn, you can release him now."
  83. >Licking your lips as the magic dissipates from around your mouth and the magic against your chest gently pushes you back to a standing position, definitely caressing your chest this time, you look over to where the others make their way to you
  84. >Before you can ask how they found you, their ears swivel and they all nearly simultaneously look down the road you just came from
  85. >Just as a question is forming on your lips, you hear them, the patrol bounding back towards all of you, shouting about all the yelling and noise
  86. >Head snapping to you, the mare next to you speaks again in an urgent whisper
  87. >"I'm Sergeant Cardinal Virtue, nice to meet you, time to go!"
  88. >Her horn glows a vibrant blue as the other mares ignite their horns with her
  89. >Before you can even ask what's happening her blue aura wraps around all of you and in a deafening, popping instant, everything around you shifts and you're somewhere else, falling forwards as you pass out
  90. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  91.  
  92. >The husbando hunt is a blitzkreig-style maneuver in which a gateway is opened for anywhere between 1-5 minutes
  93. >For the time it's open, ponies pour out and latch onto people or try to drag/convince them back through the gateway
  94. >When the gateway closes, it pulls all the ponies back along with whatever they are holding onto
  95. >As many as 50 men can be kidnapped in the span of a minute
  96. >This usually only happens in populated areas
  97. >People living in smaller, less populated towns aren't likely to deal with this except during times when groups of people may congregate like festivals or meetings
  98.  
  99. >at the fair enjoying the sights and the rides with some buddies
  100. >suddenly there's a bright flash of light and screaming
  101. >think a bomb went off
  102. >instead a bunch of adorable little mares are rushing out of what looks like a literal tear just hanging in the air
  103. >women are trying to keep them away
  104. >men just standing there dumbfounded because they're latching onto them and cuddling them
  105. >suddenly the portal pulses and the men with mares start getting pulled towards the tear
  106. >slowly at first
  107. >then so quickly they can't keep their feet on the ground
  108. >before everyone knows it, the portals closed and it's over
  109. >the mares and a good number of men are gone
  110. >fuck, that's what you get for being on the Ferris wheel when it happened
  111.  
  112. >implying a stationary target like that would be missed by pegasi.
  113.  
  114. >think you missed out on all the action when the mares are swarming guys below you
  115. >Pegasus mare swoops down from the sun and grabs you under the arm and lifts off with you before you can even blink
  116.  
  117. >You can't help but be amused by all this
  118. >Sitting at the zenith of the Ferris wheel gives you one hell of a vantage point over all the chaos
  119. >Below you ponies, specifically mares, run in all directions chasing down men
  120. >Earth ponies, unicorns, pegasi, they're all there
  121. >Some men seem to just stand there and accept their fate, or maybe that's the fate they've been waiting for, while others run as fast as their legs can carry them
  122. >Must have something here they're not willing to leave behind yet
  123. >The mares seem to go after the more willing ones anyways
  124. >"This is some crazy stuff, right?"
  125. >Jumping a little at the feminine voice behind you and unable to turn to see who it is, you just shrug and answer
  126. "I suppose it is, never thought aliens would be invading our planet because they were looking for boyfriends."
  127. >She giggles at that, an adorable, squeaky sound
  128. >"I never imagined it could happen, either."
  129. >You're looking over the side, watching a woman chase a unicorn mare in her high heels as the pony makes off with her date held in her magic when you hear a whooshing of air
  130. >Something small and feathery thumps into the bottom of your cabin and flails around as it rights itself and leaves you pressed against the edge, trying to get as far away as you can in such a tiny space
  131. >Eventually a head pokes out from the ball of fluff and feathers - holy shit it's a pegasus, there's a pegasus in your fucking cart!
  132. >She smiles beatifically at you, long windswept auburn mane covering one eye, the other a pretty shade of sky blue and a light orange coat
  133. >"Hi! My name's Autumn Wind! I was getting tired of perching on the metal bars back there, so I thought I'd join you! I hope you don't mind?"
  134. >Too shocked to respond at the moment, you say nothing as the silence, broken only by the sounds of chaos below, begins to stretch on uncomfortably
  135. >Her happy smile beginning to diminish finally snaps you out of it
  136. "N-No! No, that's fine, that's totally fine. I'm Anon."
  137. >Smile coming back in full force, she flaps her wings and sits herself next to you on the seat
  138. >"Great! You don't mind if I sit closer do you?"
  139. >Blowing the hair out of her eye and resting her side up against you, she looks up into your face with a nervous expression
  140. >Oh... oh! You see where this is going
  141. >Smiling down at her somewhat nervously yourself, you put an arm around her side and pull her closer
  142. >With wide eyes and red cheeks, she smiles back as you answer
  143. "I don't think I mind at all."
  144. >She unfurls one of her big wings and rubs it up and down your back, looking at you like you're not real and might disappear if she stops touching you
  145. >"Would you... would you like to come back with me? I-I promise I'll treat you good! You can stay at my place, I have a guestroom!"
  146. >Biting your lip in thought and looking back over the side of your cabin, you catch a guy bridal carrying an earth mare as she nuzzles into his chest across the threshold of the portal and disappear
  147. >Well shit, what do you have to lose? All you have to look forward to is your exorbitant rent and 9 to 5 job stocking shelves and working a register
  148. >That's going to have to change if you go with her, you're going to have to find something to actually be useful at and pull, at the very least, your own weight
  149. >Looking back at her, those wide hopeful eyes and fragile smile give you your decision
  150. "Yeah. Yeah, I'll come with you."
  151. >And just like that, her fragile smile turns into the ear to ear grin she first gave you
  152. >Shooting up from her spot next to you so fast it makes you jump, she spins in place in the air and turns to you
  153. >"That's GREAT! Come on then, let's get going!" she says as she loops her forelegs underneath your arms and pulls
  154. >She grunts and strains as she flaps her wings and heaves you up, lifting you out of your seat, making you grab onto her out of fear of falling over the edge
  155. "Oh man, OH MAN. Just don't drop me okay? That would put a serious damper on this whole thing."
  156. >She gasps as she looks down between her legs legs at you, giving you a serious expression even as it looks like she's going to burst a blood vessel from the strain of carrying you
  157. >"I would... NEVER... drop you...!" she says between gasps for air
  158. >As she makes her way to the ground in front of the portal you can make out the mare horde thinning out
  159. >Wonder how many men will be on the other side with you
  160. >Once your feet are finally about to touch down you let go of her and slide out of her grip
  161. >Heaving a big sigh, her wings seize up and she falls on top of your head, knocking you both to the ground
  162. >"S-Sorry, oh jeez are you okay?"
  163. >Mumbling into her belly and getting a breathy giggle out of her, you lift her off of your face and set her on your chest
  164. "Yeah, I'm alright just... give me a second, got the wind knocked outta me."
  165. >As she lays on your chest to catch her breath, you idly pet her ludicrously soft wings as you catch yours
  166. >She coos with pleasure, resting her chin on your collarbone and gently brushing her nose against your neck
  167. >"We have to go, the portal is going to be closing soon." she sleepily mumbles
  168. "Alright, let's go then."
  169. >You sit up, cradling the exhausted pegasus in your arms and turn towards the portal
  170. >It swirls with all kinds of colors, glowing with an otherworldly light
  171. >Fucking hell is the thought of stepping into that terrifying, even though you KNOW it has to be safe, what with all the mares coming and going, pulling men in with them
  172. >Well, no time like the present
  173. >You squeeze your little pegasus plush closer and she responds with an airy giggle, pushing her face into your chest
  174. >You take a step, then another, and another, until you're both right at the precipice of the wall of light
  175. >Looking down at the mare in your arms, her peeking up at you with one eye framed by her auburn hair, face hidden in your chest, you smile
  176. >Eyes going back to the portal, you nod to yourself, about to take the first steps into an entirely new world and one hell of an adventure
  177. "Yeah... let's go."
  178. >Taking the final step across the threshold and into your new life, all is color and light
  179.  
  180. And that's the end.
  181. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  182.  
  183. >Stealth strategies
  184. >Living in places with less people
  185. >Staying in more
  186. >Working somewhere no pony would think to look for a husbando
  187. >You did all of these things
  188. >You were only ever at work or the gym
  189. >And most of your workplace was trashy people
  190. >So you managed to avoid most of the cute little mares
  191. >You'd heard that men were only kidnapped for slave labor anyways
  192. >So you thought you'd play it safe and not lose what little shit you had
  193. >Apparently they had some kind of hypnotic gaze, which was why no one ever fought back too hard
  194. >One of those tough nights at work
  195. >Although the pay was alright, you assholes you dealt with made it barely worth the check
  196. >After getting yelled at by an old black lady over some trivial shit, you clocked out before you had anymore shit to deal with
  197. >Your back ached and your head hurt
  198. >Your old beater shined like a beacon of hope across the dark parking lot
  199. >Time to go home
  200. >You check your phone, looks like a new gateway opened up today and has been open for several hours
  201. >It's weird, nothing can pass through it at all but it's still open
  202. >You close it and unlock your car
  203. >"I think that's him."
  204. >You turn to face three mares that stepped out from behind an adjacent car
  205. >All of them were in some armor that looked like it was made without the existance of firearms in mind
  206. >One had a long flowing mane that went down below her belly
  207. >Another had a short buzzcut
  208. >The shortest had a spiked up mane and a mischievious smile
  209. >"Are you sure? Check the scanner."
  210. >The short mare with the spiked mane stared at you through a lens
  211. >"This is the one. You were a sneaky fellow but we found you."
  212. >You opened up the car door and slowly try to maneuver into the seat
  213. >The tallest, buzzcut mare closes the door and steps behind you
  214. >"Don't go anywhere, buddy. We kept the portal open just for you."
  215. >"You did a good job hiding among those chumps, but once you stepped outside the scanner picked you up immediately." the short one said
  216. >"He's a good one, his husbando level is..."
  217. >The short mare took off her monocle, the scanner, whatever it was, and shook excitedly
  218. >"35,000..." she gulped
  219. >The tall mare jumped
  220. >"WHAT?!"
  221. >"Get him!" the mare with the long mane and the one with the buzzcut leapt at you and each held your arms back against the car
  222. >You try your best to wrestle away from them, but they're pretty large mares
  223. >"H-he's strong! The face, Star!" the buzzcut shouts into your fucking ear
  224. >The short mare with the spiked up mane rears up on two legs, her hooves on your chest
  225. >"Try and resist this, human." she whispers before looking away to the left
  226. >Her head snaps back to you
  227. >She's doing some kind of face at you
  228. >Her... Her eyes are hearts
  229. >No one's ever looked at you like that before
  230. >Her smile was so... real
  231. >It made your knees weak
  232. >You couldn't fight against the other two mares anymore
  233. >You just wanted to look into those eyes forever
  234. >"Come back with us? Please?" she says, leaning in to touch her nose to yours
  235. >"We'll treat you right." one whispers into your ear
  236. >"You know you want to." the third says
  237. "S-sure."
  238. >"We got him. Coming back home." the short mare opens up a portal and tugs on your hand, pulling you into the murky white veil
  239. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  240.  
  241. >Late at night, a pegasus mare gazes lovingly into the sleeping face of her husbando, the one she rescued.
  242. >She had finally been chosen for a raid. It had taken longer than usual to get telepathic messages out to a number of human men this time.
  243. >The time before that, a few of the men contacted had been compromised, and the authorities had been waiting in a sting op.
  244. >They were getting faster in responding too.
  245. >When the portal opened in the middle of a large department store, a warning had already gone out that the rescue mares only had a few minutes before human police arrived.
  246. >The human police turncoat who gave the warning was credited with saving the whole op.
  247. >But no one told her what it would be like.
  248. >Earth felt dead.
  249. >Everything moved, but felt dead. A world of corpses with heartbeats.
  250. >The colors, mute. The air, thin and diseased. The people...
  251. >The pegasus and the others rushed in, frantically grabbing and escorting the men who waited around in the chaos through the portal.
  252. >That's when she found him.
  253. >She descended into his open arms, into a hug filled with the excitement of finding another, a hug filled with the terror of being caught.
  254. >"You were like an angel, coming down for Heaven for me," he said afterward with a watery laugh.
  255. >That's what lead up to now.
  256. >The pegasus turns her eyes away from her sleeping mate, hers and hers alone, to stare out the window.
  257. >Luna's moon stares back with baleful light.
  258. >She lets out a sigh and sets her head against her mate.
  259. >She's saved hers, but what sort of fate awaits the ones yet to arrive?
  260. >...What fate awaits the ones who can't or won't?
  261. >She sleeps little that night.
  262. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  263.  
  264. >Just find a cute one and smile
  265. >It was never that easy
  266. >Your smile was lackluster and tired
  267. >Work had drained your poor soul dry
  268. >You stood at the back of the crowd of eager mares waiting for the portal to open
  269. >There were all of ten stallions in town and hundreds of lonely mares
  270. >Tens of millions across Equestria
  271. >What were your chances of finding anypony?
  272. >Why were you even here, waiting to go to Earth for a chance to snag a bf?
  273. >You'd tried several times and failed
  274. >Mainly because you couldn't summon the energy to do the stupid love gaze that turned human stallions into stupid putty
  275. >As soon as the portal opened, the crowd rushed out
  276. >You took your sweet time walking through, not like it mattered anyways
  277. >Like always, Earth
  278. >Earth was cold
  279. >It was pale with sad colors
  280. >Everything felt gray
  281. >The air itself even tasted dry and bitter
  282. >Yes, it was a nightmare dimension filled with suffering
  283. >In the panic of the invasion, you take in the surroundings
  284. >It was a shopping mall food court
  285. >Sad gray tiles echoed under hooffalls and shoes as people and ponies ran about
  286. >You look around slowly, less enthusiastic about it, but still scanning for an eligible bachelor
  287. >Maybe you'd find one this time
  288. >Lucky number 7
  289. >You spot a person sitting at one of those tables meant for two
  290. >A small table with a seat on either side and not much space for actually eating
  291. >And he was sitting there alone, a long-since emptied tray pushed to the opposite end
  292. >"Go talk to him." an excited mare nudges your side, her future husband in pursuit
  293. >Maybe it was a bad idea
  294. >Your little heart was beating fast
  295. >"Whatever you're doing, hurry it up we've only got two minutes."
  296. >You scuttle over to the table and maneuver yourself into the seat across from the human
  297. >He looks up from that weird little box at you
  298. >Just smile and introduce yourself
  299. >It's as easy as 1, 2, 3
  300. >You smile, it felt forced and a little awkward
  301. >Your prospective human returned the smile
  302. >"Hi."
  303. "H-hey. You must know the drill by now."
  304. >"Not really. This is the first time I've seen one of you up close."
  305. >You look at the empty tray hoping for some inspiration or courage
  306. "You know, us ponies drop by and find some eligible bachelors to whisk away."
  307. >The human sets his box down and puts it into his pocket
  308. >"So is this my turn to go or are we just making small talk?"
  309. >You hadn't gotten this far before
  310. >That's what you get for being a depressed grump
  311. "Do you- You want to come back me?" your ears stood up uncontrollably
  312. >"It's tempting, what can you say to soothe a nervous first-timer?"
  313. >You froze up
  314. >Perfectly normal, he was scared about eloping with a strange alien from another dimension
  315. "You're really going to like it back home, everything's jus-"
  316. >"I'd be happy to go back with you, you're the cutest thing I've ever seen."
  317. >For once, you really smile
  318. >You reach out to touch his hand when the portal collapses
  319. >Suddenly you're back on the other side
  320. >And that human wasn't
  321. >Your smile evaporates, covered back up by your signature apathetic glare
  322. >You look around at the other mares and their catches, all happy couples
  323. >And you have to go back to work tomorrow too
  324.  
  325. >Back on Earth
  326. >Anon was about to touch the cute little pony, just to see if she was real in all this panic
  327. >And she disappeared
  328. >His dumb smile fades away
  329. >His hopes faded away
  330. >His supervisor at the McBurgerfucker showed up
  331. >"Thank god you're still around Anon, the restaurant got trashed and Scruffy's gone so I'm promoting you to janitor."
  332.  
  333. Nope, not having that shit, only happy mares in this thread.
  334.  
  335. >"I'd be happy to go back with you, you're the cutest thing I've ever seen."
  336. >For once, you really smile
  337. >You reach out to touch his hand as a large female(?) accidently pushes him forward with her girth and covers you both in her McMotherFucker meal.
  338. >You're a tangle of limbs, tray's, table and condiments as the portal collapses.
  339. >Suddenly you're on the other side, blinking into each other's eyes with fries in your mane and ketchup dripping from his face.
  340. >He reaches forward and brushes a stray gherkin from your muzzle, gently running his thumb over your cheek before moving on to stroking your neck, as if to reassure himself that you're still there.
  341. >It's certainly the reason you absently brush a bun from his shoulder and rest your hoof on his arm.
  342. >Your smile returns and is matched by his, you feel like they'll stick around for a bit longer this time.
  343.  
  344. >Back on Earth, two days later.
  345. >Newspaper headlines read "Local Woman charged with manslaughter after crushing unknown person in restaurant."
  346. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  347.  
  348. >Anon looks down at the little mare that just stated her interest in him, an emotionless expression on his face.
  349. >Wordlessly, he sits down and wraps his arms around her in a cuddle, burying his face in her mane and startling her a little.
  350. "Oh! U-um, okay i'm glad yo-"
  351. >"Shhh."
  352. "...Huh?"
  353. >"Just let me have this."
  354. "...Well, i like to think i'm a pretty good cuddler, i could have got my qt mark in it!"
  355. >Silence.
  356. >Awkwardly returning the cuddle, the silence starts to grate on her a little.
  357. "Sooo, tell me about yourself, got any fun hobbies or anyth-Hey are you okay?"
  358. >Still silent, Anon started shaking slightly as the mare felt her mane begin to dampen.
  359. >Struggling out of his tightening grip to properly look at him, the mare feels her heart breaking as she looks into his tear stricken face.
  360. "Hey, it's okay. I've heard how bad you guys have it here, but everything's okay no-"
  361. >"Please dont go."
  362. >He said it softly enough that she could have mistaken it for the wind, but she heard it all the same.
  363. >Throwing her hooves around his neck, she presses him hard against her, trying to convey all of her desire to help him into the embrace, to simply make him feel better and wipe away his sadness.
  364. "I wont leave you alone, I promise."
  365. >Sighing, he clings to the mare like it's his only lifeline, eventually choking out a response between sobs.
  366. >"You always say that before i wake up..."
  367. >A confused expression appears on the mare's face before the portal's pull engulfs them in a white void.
  368. >The next morning, a small alarm clock bleats incessantly beside an unkempt bed, it's owner waking up fully clothed in a different bed entirely, being reassured by his little spoon that she -always- keep's her promises.
  369. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  370.  
  371. >Year 20xx
  372. >horsebando raids have been going on for months now, each time a portal opens at least 10 men are usually reported taken.
  373. >women have started to take more pro-active measures to 'protect' their men.
  374. >constant shaming about anything pony related.
  375. >any mlp memoriabila is burned on sight.
  376. >gangs of women assault irl mares and decimate the horse population.
  377. >forcibly move into a mans life and home and crying rape if he complains.
  378. >actual rape and trying to guilt trip the man through his unborn child.
  379. >it soon becomes unsafe for a man to travel alone, as he is liable to be snatched from the streets and 'properly housebroken'.
  380. >mares hear of this and redouble their efforts.
  381. >you are Anon, part of a small enclave of men patiently awaiting a portals opening within a large basement.
  382. >as the tear in reality opens before you, you hear a bang upstairs followed by muffled shouting.
  383. >"You bitches be gettin' out'a my 'ouse or by god ther' be a reckonin'!"
  384. >Based grandad, too old to try his luck with a nice mare himself, he opened his home to weary men as a place of refuge.
  385. >a refuge thats been compromised if the sounds of insults and struggle upstairs mean anything.
  386. >as mares tumble through the portal, you make your way to the basements only entrance and doublecheck it's deadlocks.
  387. >you entertain a brief tbought of rescuing the old man, but think better of it, he wanted to go down swinging instead of in his sleep, might as well honour that.
  388. >Giving a brief salute, you turn to the mare standing behind you patiently.
  389. "Ready to go?"
  390. >A smile grows accross both your faces as you lean together for a cuddle before an explosion pushes you forward, lances of pain shooting across your back as you fall on top of the mare.
  391. >yells ring out from the remaining occupants of the room as you lay there in shock.
  392. >Absently, you notice the mare beneath you saying something but you cant quite...
  393. >the portal closes with an unheard fizzle, dragging everyone back to the other side in a flash.
  394. >you briefly feel a sensation of floating before bright colours resolve themselves around the mare and warmth falls on your back.
  395. >thats much nicer than the pain, you wish that would go away.
  396. >you think you can hear yelling again but theres a soft roaring in your ears thats making it hard to concentrate.
  397. >oh that mares cupping your face and saying something again.
  398. >you struggle to hear her but can only focus for a few seconds at a time.
  399. "Yo... g..ng.....o..ay, ..ou h...r ..e!"
  400. >a tingle spreads over your body as you rise up, are lain on something soft and start moving.
  401. >you're tired, but you're pretty sure sleep is a bad idea.
  402. >besides, it would mean looking away from the face of the mare trotting beside you.
  403. >you wish she'd stop crying though, pretty mares shouldn't cry.
  404.  
  405. >Looking through the tinted glass of the observation window, Princess Celestia watches stoically as wooden shards are carefully extracted from the human, to join a small pile resting in a tray beside him.
  406. >"This is getting out of hoof."
  407. >The room was silent for a moment before a figure stepped through her peripheral vision.
  408. "Whats the matter~ i thought you WANTED potential new husbands 'by any means necessary', should i stop opening the portals?"
  409. >A hoof stomps.
  410. >"You know what i mean Discord! Look at him! They would rather see them killed than be happy!"
  411. "Yes, well, i did warn you how irrational they could get, i'd be impressed if most of their efforts werent so devoid of comedy, whats the point in total chaos if you dont -enjoy- it, honestly."
  412. >This last remark accompined by a flick of long bushy hair that disappears as quickly as it came.
  413. >"Discord, Please. Be serious for a moment."
  414. "Oh alright, if you -insist-."
  415. >A claw snaps as a picture of Earth superimposes itself on the window, various parts marked with colour and grey.
  416. "Thanks to the efforts of Lovebutt and Starbutt, we've been able to check off the parts of their world that no longer contain anyone that would accept a mares, ugh, advances."
  417. >A shudder ripples through a serpentine body.
  418. "If i open portals any quicker, i could accidently tear open their barrier completely, and though it'd be a barrel of laughs to suddenly expose them to @~%4, it'd be a very short laugh, or a very long one, depending on who's telling the joke."
  419. >"Get to the point discord."
  420. "Oooh, feisty, dont worry princess i'm sure your prince charming will fall through one of these days."
  421. >A growl.
  422. "ANYway, strictly speaking, there's no rule saying i have to open a portal from this side, and if there was i'd break it anyhow."
  423. >A blink is met with a smug looking grin.
  424. >A weary sigh.
  425. >"Just leave them the chance to rebuild."
  426. "Hoho! The leash is off! Now i must be going to pack my things, want me to grab you a souvenir?"
  427. >"Just, go."
  428. >A burst of soap bubbles later, the draconequus is gone.
  429. >Turning back to the human in the operating room, all of the pieces appear to have been extracted and the human bandaged and gently being lowered to a gurney.
  430. >A dry chuckle involuntarily escapes as she spies the get-well-soon card pinned to his pillow.
  431. >You're still weary over the verifiable force of unnature you've unleashed upon an unsuspecting world, but it's out of your hooves now.
  432. >You never wanted it to come to this, the amount of humans that were both compatible and willing to leave for equestria was a relative drop in the bucket, and apparently even considered 'undesirable' by some strange metric.
  433. >Shaking your head to clear out the morbid thoughts, you start mentally drawing up contingencies.
  434. >After giving your worlds most powerful child a sandbox the size of a planet to play in, it pay's to be prepared for anything.
  435. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  436.  
  437. >Chest is an erogenous zone.
  438. Neat, wonder if this is just for the gay's or if it works on mares.
  439.  
  440. >Motorboat your mare's sensitive fluff.
  441. >Tease her as she gasps, moans and ineffectually bats at your head.
  442. >Before a full minute has passed she's pressing your face tight against her as you continue nuzzling her relentlessly, becoming intoxicated by her scent and roaming your hands over her flanks.
  443. >A small puddle of wetness grows on your chest as she tries to wrap her hind legs around you, unconsciously thrusting her hips as you continue your ministrations.
  444. >She finally pulls you away to look into your eyes, mane wild and your faces flushed with your passions before surging forward into a kiss as you run your hands through her coat, a groan reverberating from deep within her as you scratch a particular spot.
  445. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  446.  
  447. >The stereotypical white void resolves into a mountain spring decorated by familar looking statues and an softly glowing archway, water flowing freely through it.
  448. >It pools around your feet, but as you take a step forward not a single drop is disturbed.
  449. >You should probably be concerned about that, but death has a way of muting that feeling for a while.
  450. >Besides, you just recognised the landscape through the arch so focusing on anything else is a bit hard right at the moment, although the statues of the princesses should have been a big hint.
  451. >The gaudy pink name along the top was also a bit on the nose, you bet discord had something to do with that.
  452. >You finally pull your head out of your ghostly ass and notice some nondescript figures ahead of you, wading their way towards the portal with nonexistant spla-
  453. >Oh. Spoke too soon, guess he must have tripped or something.
  454. >And so did that guy, huh.
  455. >The fact they didnt stand back up is a bit strange, the water isnt that deep.
  456. >...Maybe you should take it slow.
  457. >As you pass one of the statues you cant help a flinch as the eye sockets flash, the cutie mark glowing with a strong magenta light.
  458. >Images rush through your mind too quickly to register, too varied to properly make sense of before the sensation fades and you're left looking dumbly at the once again inert statue, it's empty gaze paradoxically looking on with acceptance.
  459. >Shaking it off, you keep moving forward, watching the figures in front of you as they stumble and continue or fall by some unseen judgement.
  460. >This appears to be a test of sorts, you can guess that much, should have figured that would be the case.
  461. >You steel yourself for candyass' statue, your memories are fuzzy but you're pretty sure you're going to fail whatever metric the Princess of Love decides.
  462. >Eye sockets flash and her crystal heart pulses as more images flow through your mind.
  463. >More prepared this time, you're able to recognise a few scenes, suddenly remembering them with unnatural clarity.
  464. >The first time you masturbated was one, watching an episode with /mlp/ another, a parent's embrace a third, a time you volunteered for charity a fourth, and by the fifth image of looking yourself over in the mirror you think you understand whats happening.
  465. >Love comes in many forms, and you've experienced and given more than you consciously realised, even if your experiences with one particular form were...lacking.
  466. >Seemingly satisfied, the images stop and you see the portal in front of you again, the statue to your right now seeming to look at you with affection.
  467. >Half way there, not bad.
  468. >You're not sure how you passed the first test, you cant really remember anything noteworthy you did as a friend, but you suppose that's part of the point.
  469. >Lost in thought, you're brought up short as ice fills your veins and a veritable flood of images pour forth.
  470. >You mindlessly walked into the gaze of the Night Princess, and she begins her judgement.
  471. >Unlike the others, these visions are methodical, you're forced to watch each and every instance of cruelty inflicted upon you, your darkest moments of sorrow, anger and apathy.
  472. >The only thing keeping you standing was the recollection of your reactions to each moment, the times you understood why it happened, the times you forgave mistakes, the times you reached out and grabbed the helping hand.
  473. >All of these flowing through your mind like a balm, gently smoothing the painful experiences until they return to being harmless memories, the portal appearing once more.
  474. >Looking at the statue with the luminious moon on it's chest and understanding in it's gaze, you offer up a smile before turning to your last obstacle.
  475. >Last one, cant afford to be distracted now, you're almost done.
  476. >Mindful of it looming closer as you wade forward, you struggle to think of what Celestia would judge that the other's havent.
  477. >Bracing for mental impact, you step forward and look it in the 'eyes'.
  478. >The sockets flash, the sun starts shining and...
  479. >Nothing.
  480. >Not a thing goes through your mind, beyond your sudden worry that you failed without even realising it.
  481. >Studying it closer, you realise it's giving you an expression you cant quite place.
  482. >Which must mean you passed without realising it.
  483. >Huh, you feel like you're cheating but you're certainly not going to complain if that's the case.
  484. >You carefully edge a step forward, eyes riveted on the statue in case it suddenly changes it's mind.
  485. >Nope, it's letting you pass, alright then.
  486. >Moving to the edge of the glassy portal, you give it a tentative poke like any rational person.
  487. >Naturally, it has the consistancy of jello.
  488. >Taking a deep breath, you prepare to step into the relative unknown when you hear a faint splash behind you.
  489. >Oh right, other people exist.
  490. >Turning around, you spot the ripples of the latest guy to fail Luna's test.
  491. >You feel a bit of sympathy, you wouldn't exactly consider yourself a 'bad' person and that was still hard for you to deal with.
  492. >Another splash, failure for Cadance this time, poor sod must have been emotionally starved.
  493. >...
  494. >Biting your lip, you turn back to the portal.
  495. >You shouldn't worry about it, you're done. You. Passed.
  496. >These are personal trials, everyone needs to win them on their own in order for it to count.
  497. >Nodding resolutely, you lift your foot to step forward before slowly bringing it back down as a final thought occurs.
  498. >You weren't alone in any of your tests.
  499. >Whether it was offering forgiveness, giving your love or a simple act of friendship, you passed your tests because the actions of others spurred your response.
  500. >A weary sigh passes your lips as you give one last look to the Sun princess' statue.
  501. >You understand the gaze in it's eyes now, as you make your way back to the start.
  502. >Resolute, Certainty, you're no poet but there's probably more words for it.
  503. >You know why you didnt see any more visions of your life, why it let you pass unchallenged.
  504. >You could have passed on, all that would have judged had already deemed you worthy.
  505. >Except you.
  506. >Even in a relative paradise, you wouldn't have been able to rest easy knowing you didnt do everything you could.
  507. >In the end, the man in the glass is the only judgement that matters.
  508. >Humming an old michael jackson song under your breath, you stop at the edge of where people are emerging from thin air, still as indestinct in appearence as when you first arrived.
  509. >Looking down at the water, you take in what you just barely noticed at the portal.
  510. >An infathomable darkness, stretching downwards in a way that defies comprehension, an abyss that pulls the mind and whispers madness.
  511. >...
  512. >You blinked, fuck, there goes that bet.
  513. >Turning from your brief shenanigans, you take a final look at the little slice of afterlife before you, the glowing statues, their looks of acceptance, affection, understanding and surety.
  514. >Giving a small wave, you stretch your arms to the side and tip yourself backwards.
  515. >You're not worried, as you hit the water with a splash.
  516. >You did this once after all, as you fall into infinity.
  517. >You'll do it again, as the light above fades to a pinprick.
  518. >Maybe this time you'll travel the world a bit, as you feel sleep gradually overtake you.
  519. >Making new friends would be nice.
  520. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_M03KJyAWY
  521. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  522.  
  523. >It began with a kidnapping
  524. >Just one, people would mysteriously disappear out of thin air
  525. >No one around would remember
  526. >Security cameras would go blank
  527. >As the days passed by, people began to disappear more
  528. >The faces on the news were never female
  529. >It was always these average joes that you'd think no one would miss
  530. >Nearly all of them single and inactive on social media
  531. >It wasn't very long until the news stopped reporting on the wave of disappearances
  532. >People didn't care
  533. >You didn't care either
  534. >None of this shit mattered anyways
  535. >You had a job to hate
  536. >You had a boss to bitch at you
  537. >You had a paycheck to get
  538. >You had bills to pay
  539. >You had stuff to lift so you didn't shoot up that godforsaken store
  540. >Fuck it, 2AM lifting at that crappy 24/7 gym
  541. >There was one other person around, some weirdly buff guy wearing running shorts and a hoodie
  542. >His face was red and veiny and he was curling a 15lb weight as fast as he possibly could
  543. >It didn't matter
  544. >Not in the slightest
  545. >You put some weights onto the smith machine because there was no fucking bench
  546. >Start doing your sets while the guy across the room makes these hissing noises likes he's a burst pipe
  547. >You finally made it to your max as far as bench went
  548. >Oh lord it was heavy
  549. >Your arms quivered as you forced a second and a third rep before racking the weight
  550. >Three was better than one
  551. >The tv, that usually showed CNN had turned off
  552. >Looks like Chunk across the room was resting
  553. >He was sitting silently, weights by his feet
  554. >Good
  555. >Loud-ass Chunk needed to shut the fuck up for once
  556. >You take a sip of your powdered drink mix that you brought with you
  557. >It tasted like a raspberry punch in the mouth
  558. >The lights flickered before resuming the usual buzzing
  559. >The radio in the gym stopped
  560. >Taylor Swift's Bad Blood became Silent Blood
  561. >It was an improvement
  562. >You looked down at your headphones
  563. >They weren't plugged into anything but the speakers were hissing
  564. >Spooky shit
  565. >It was probably time to go
  566. >You didn't want to be around for real spooky hours
  567. >"Hey, you're Anon right?" a voice called out from somewhere unseen
  568. "What?"
  569. >"Yes! I was hoping I'd get to you."
  570. "Where are you?" you looked over your shoulder and around the gym
  571. >"Give me a moment."
  572. >Slowly but surely a little pony materialized a few feet in front of you
  573. >You noticed it was black and white
  574. >A little zebra?
  575. >You stare at it with a blank expression
  576. >You look to see if Chunk noticed
  577. >He was sitting silently
  578. >The tv was blank
  579. >Your headphones were hissing
  580. >Your phone was dead
  581. >"Hi." the little zebra says, shifting from side to side
  582. >Was this some kind of hidden camera show?
  583. >Was some youtuber going to jump out at you and shout "It's a prank ecks dee!"
  584. >The little zebra gazed at you with an increasingly worried look
  585. >"Are you okay? Hello?"
  586. "Holy shit, a talking horse."
  587. >"I'm a zebra, there's a difference. Can I talk with you for a moment?" she takes a few steps closer
  588. >She was a cute little zeeb, you wanted to rub her cheeks and pet her
  589. "I don't see why not."
  590. >"So... I have a lot of explaining to do and only a little bit of time to do it."
  591. "You do, what's going on?"
  592. >"Okay. A really quick rundown on everything. I came here from another world using magic but it wasn't my magic so I don't really understand how it works. Basically in my world there's so few males that lots of us mares got together and started searching in other worlds and we found this one so we're here to find possible boyfriends but a lot of humans aren't really into the whole pony and human pairing so we had to use more magic to find the right pairs, and the spell thinks we might be compatible and I've never had a boyfriend and you've never had a girlfriend so will you come back to Equestria with me please?" she sputtered out at the fastest talking speed you've ever heard
  593. >The little zebra gives you a cartoony sad look
  594. >You don't say anything for a moment
  595. >Check your schedule for the week
  596. >Get up early for work
  597. >Move heavy shit
  598. >Pay bills
  599. >Pay for college
  600. >Wait a minute, she said you've never had a girlfriend
  601. >That's a load of shit, you had a gf on Runescape when you were 12
  602. "Alright, let's go." you shrug, resisting the need to hold the zeeb
  603. >The little zebra began jumping in the air
  604. >"Yes! I've been waiting for this forever! Come on!"
  605. >She jumped up and grabbed onto your hand
  606. >There was a white flash and you were walking with her through a bright corridor towards some bright end
  607. >Weird day, but it's not over yet
  608. >"I'm Azizi, I was told your name was Anon." she says, continuing to lead you towards the light
  609. "Yeah. That's me."
  610. >You and Azizi get to the end of the hall and the light fades
  611. >You step out into some pony version of the DMV
  612. "What is this?"
  613. >"The department of husbando collection. At first ponies would open bootleg portals and rush through but this is much more organized and faster."
  614. "Oh shit!"
  615. >You just remembered you left your drink on Earth
  616. >"What is it?", Azizi asks
  617. "I left my drink!"
  618. >"... What?"
  619. "I always told Chunk that I was sipping Gatorade Bitter Mountain Rush but it was Kool Aid!"
  620. >"We should be going now, I think we're holding up the line."
  621. >A bored, chubby mare sitting at a desk looked out into the lobby
  622. >"Now serving #162." she read into the intercom
  623. >An excited mare stepped forward and past you and Azizi
  624. >She gawked at you curiously before going up to the pony operating the portal and stepping through
  625. >You and Azizi left the DHC
  626. >Wherever you were, you weren't alone
  627. >Little ponies and humans all walked through the streets
  628. >You even saw a gryphon or two walk by
  629. >Cool shit
  630. >You kept your hand on Azizi as she navigated the village
  631. >Twisting roads and paths formed a complicated net filled with small buildings of wood and cobblestone
  632. >As Azizi made her way further away from town, the spaces between buildings grew and the amount of grass increased
  633. >"Me and my family all work as doctors. My parents pass down everything they know." Azizi says, leading you past a wheat field to a large bordering forest
  634. >Along the forest's edge was a clear border between sunny rolling hills and eerie overgrowth
  635. >Azizi kept skirting the edge of the forest, much to your discomfort, until she came up to an alcove with a large shack built on the shoreline of a pond
  636. >She grinned ear to ear for you
  637. >"My family is very excited to meet you, Anon." she leaned against you happy and secure
  638. >She lead you up a boardwalk and in through the front door
  639. >Inside of the shack was crazy decorations, masks adorned the walls, things that could not be set anywhere were hung up in nets, and vases of exotic flowers filled the rooms with their scents
  640. >There were also jars of various preserved or unidentifiable substances stacked up in aged cupboards
  641. >"My father says he practices holistic medicine, but there is a lot of magic involved." Azizi says, unphased by the overwhelmingly decorated room
  642. >She brings you to a closed door down a darkened hallway
  643. >"This is my room." her face was a bit red, "I should have cleaned first but I didn't think I'd actually be bringing you home so soon."
  644. >Before you could step into Azizi's room there was a heavier, slower clattering of hooves in the front room
  645. >"Azizi? Are you home? I've brought you a new comb." a voice calls
  646. >A figure slips into the hallway
  647. >"Hello father." Azizi says, nudging in front of you
  648. >The larger zebra stallion looks at you
  649. >His eyes look you up and down, visually interrogating you
  650. >"Who is the strange fellow? Standing here so oddly mellow." he seemed a little upset
  651. >"Father, this is Anon. Anon this is Azama, my father."
  652. >The larger zebra seemed to instantly light up
  653. >"So this is the one I have heard so much about! And here I was, ready to throw him out." he extended a hoof happily
  654. >You shook it
  655. >"I guess I should introduce you to my family." Azizi looks down the hall, "It looks like they've just gotten home."
  656. >Azizi and you head out into the main room again
  657. >Before she can say anything, Azama blurts out
  658. >"Family come here, Azizi has something to share." he announces
  659. >You follow Azizi into the main room
  660. >She had a little filly sister and her mom was peeking in from the kitchen
  661. >"Welcome to our home, Anon. It is so nice to finally meet you." her mom chimed
  662. >"That is my mom, Mozi, and my little sister, Zulu." Azizi says
  663. >The little zebra filly rushes over to you, "He's real?! I thought you were making it all up, Azizi." she laughs
  664. >"We didn't think our little Azizi would be able to find a mate, and you've come along before it was late, so tell me Anon, why the wait?"
  665. "I uh... I can't say I know. I think I was in the wrong universe."
  666. >"A weathered traveller you are, finally you've found a guiding star."
  667. >Azizi turned red
  668. >"Father!" she turned away from both of you to conceal her reddened cheeks
  669. >Her mother leans in from another room, "Your father is right, you've helped him more than you know, and he's handsome too. If I were a few years younger..." she trails off
  670. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  671.  
  672. >"Anon you should eat." peasantmare said, leaning over the pot of vegetable stew that was cooking over the dwindling fire
  673. >You stick another piece of firewood into it
  674. "I'm fine."
  675. >You were hungry too, but there wasn't much to eat
  676. >Cute little ponies were much more fragile and needed to eat their veggies
  677. >Peasantmare gives you a concerned look
  678. >You and her have been snowed in for a few days
  679. >"You haven't eaten in two days."
  680. "I'll be fine. I'm fasting."
  681. >"Please just have something."
  682. "I'll eat when I can get out to the cellar and get us some more food." you lay back on the pile of blankets that constituted the bed in this little hovel
  683. >"Promise?"
  684. "I promise."
  685. >Peasantmare poured some stew into a wooden bowl and began eating next to you
  686. >She leaned against your side, stretching her shawl over the both of you
  687. >She again offered you some of her stew
  688. >You took a slice of carrot if only to ease her worries
  689. >Autumn was tense
  690. >Winters were hard
  691. >Spring was calm
  692. >Summers were bountiful
  693. >But all year long
  694. >You still had love
  695. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  696.  
  697. Oh fuck man. Imagine that.
  698.  
  699. >A normal guy gets the short end of the stick in a divorce.
  700. >He's in a slump until he catches the attention of a mare.
  701. >That mare is none other than Princess Celestia/Luna.
  702. >It's even a magic "love at first sight" deal, so its not just pity either.
  703. >It's a jump up so high that you can't get higher.
  704. >Family functions and visits to the kids are going to be wierd now that he's an official "prince consort".
  705. >It's even worse when the Princess happily announces her pregnancy.
  706. >The look on his ex's face will be priceless though.
  707.  
  708. >ex hears you are married to someone
  709. >doesn't give enough of a shit to learn who
  710. >tries to run the alimony racket
  711. >can't understand why every lawyer she contacts immediately refuses once they hear your name
  712. Its straight fucked how they can claim your partner's income too. Fucking insane shit.
  713.  
  714. >Celestia wants to share in human traditions, so she wants to host a Christmas party in Equestria inside the castle for the family.
  715. >"The family" being the Equestrian royal family and your family.
  716. >On one hand, it would be great to see everyone again, and you're especially eager to so your kid(s).
  717. >...But that means your ex has to come, since she'd never let the kid(s) come to Equestria alone.
  718. >You've kept her in the dark about your new life so long, but with this?
  719. >A shitstorm is guaranteed. But neither can you deny Celestia.
  720. >Brace for impact then...
  721.  
  722. >Ex is startled when she and the kids get an invite to Canterlot Castle for Christmas.
  723. >She can't very well turn it down.
  724. >Creeping realization sets in when she sees other family members heading to Equestria as well.
  725. >When everyone steps inside the castle to be greeted by Celestia, a shy alicorn filly with oddly familiar eyes hiding behind her legs, and none other than you, it hits her like a truck.
  726. >Oh shit.
  727.  
  728. >Everyone compliments or congratulates her on the upcoming foal.
  729. >She's practically glowing with happiness.
  730. >The ex can see it though everytime their eye's meet, whether the princess is talking casually with family or addressing royal business she can always see the true emotions in those ameythest eyes.
  731. >The sheer raw strength of her Smug could rival the sun itself for intensity.
  732. >"He's mine. I found gold in what you considered dirt, he's prince consort to an entire kingdom and now he barely knows you exist." they seem to say.
  733. >Fucking ponies.
  734.  
  735. >Meanwhile celestia wonders why a particular woman always seems to follow her around only to do nothing but glare at her from a distance, but chalks it up to human females being strange, one even threw away your perfect stallion just before you met him.
  736. >They must all be mad.
  737. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  738.  
  739. >Be gymcel Anon
  740. >Too autistic to get a girl despite lifting
  741. >Not even good-looking, just autistically strong
  742. >On Earth, people only paid attention to you when you put 7 plates on the leg press and even then it was looks of concern or fear
  743. >Now you can't go to the gym without all the mares staring at you
  744. >Start working out at 3AM to avoid their invasive gazes
  745. >They start showing up at weird hours too
  746. >Fucking cardiofags don't even into weights
  747. >You can hear them giggling between reps
  748. >STOP LAUGHING
  749. >Become a home gym guy out of fear
  750.  
  751. >Be Anon
  752. >Autistic gymcel
  753. >Ponies watching you lift
  754. >Feel their eyes drilling into you
  755. >Autism activates
  756. >Manual walking and breathing
  757. >Hear them talking in the background
  758. >Have a hunch they're talking about you
  759. >They're probably making fun of you
  760. >Hear a mare giggle
  761. >They're laughing at you
  762. >Goddamnit
  763. >They're laughing at your faggot curl weight
  764. >They're laughing that you're a retarded T-rex mode autist who fell for the SS meme
  765. >Keep hearing them talk
  766. >Put in headphones and blast music
  767. >Two mares walk up and start working next to you
  768. >Pick up your stuff and move ten feet away
  769. >They leave after one set, fucking plebs
  770. >/fit/ was right
  771. >Lifting does not cure social retardation
  772. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  773.  
  774. >a semi translucent mare suddenly appears from nowhere and hugs you as tight as she can while babbling in horse.
  775. >a tingly feeling begins to spread from point of contact across your whole body as it begins to fade to the same semi-visble state as her.
  776. >your ears pop as the feeling spreads over your head and you suddenly understand the little pony.
  777. >she's talking in circles hoping you like her and that you'll like equestria and how cold everything is here and that she'll treat you right and she hopes you like her and...
  778. >you boop her with a see-through hand to stop her train of thought.
  779. >she looks you in the eye with a pleading gaze as you open your mouth to give her your response.
  780. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  781.  
  782. >Celestia was busy thinking about princess stuff
  783. >One of her guardmares sighs and says, "That feel when no coltfriend."
  784. >Another chimes in, "I know that feel sis."
  785. >And another
  786. >And another
  787. >Celestia snaps
  788. >"SHUT UP! WE GET IT, YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A PENIS! NO ONE IN THIS CASTLE HAS!"
  789. >Luna peeks in
  790. >"Hark, dear sister, I have gazed upon a stallion's nether once before."
  791. >"No you haven't!"
  792. >"I have, 'twas of my beloved living in the far north Caneighdia, he... he just never comes to visit."
  793. >"He's not real, we all know it."
  794. >"He's real in mine imagination..."
  795. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  796.  
  797. >Day 420 in Horseland
  798. >All of the Anons be travelling together through the desert like sadboiz
  799. >"A'ight fags, I have no idea where we are." an Anon says
  800. >"Same." another adds
  801. >And they kept on walking
  802. >Because they were autistic
  803. >And there was no water
  804. >And a bunch of Anons died in the desert
  805. >There was just a trail of corpses, it was tragic
  806. >Eventually the group of Anons made it to a place called Basetown , a town at the base of the mountain below Canterlot
  807. >And some more Anons died of random shit
  808. >Celestia came down, quite suspicious
  809. >This was like a week after the Storm King fucked shit up
  810. >It was actually his dicking around with magic that brought them here
  811. >"Who among you is the leader?" sunbutt asked
  812. >No response
  813. >One Anon stepped forward wearing a Burger King crown
  814. "I am, but for like five more minutes. We're all taking turns being the president."
  815. >"You... Take turns?"
  816. >Anon handed his crown to another Anon
  817. "We are all equally capable of leadership. Not at all, we've been lost in a desert for weeks and have been dropping like flies." he passes the crown to another Anon
  818. >Celestia looks on with growing concern
  819. "Yes! But worry not we have all forgone the concept of identity, we have no idea who eachother are and we barely know ourselves."
  820. >This Anon drops the crown by accident
  821. >Another picks it up and hands it to Celestia
  822. "Here. You can take a turn being the president too."
  823. >The Anons just stared at her
  824. >"Uhh... What purpose are you here for?"
  825. "We don't know."
  826. >"Wait here and let me consult my sister." Celestia flies off with the paper crown
  827. >The Anons sit quietly in the dirt like retards
  828. >Be Princess Celestia, wearing the guilded Anon crown
  829. >Wake up Luna
  830. >She is mad now
  831. >"Sister, what doth the fuck did you rouse me from my slumber for?"
  832. "Luna we have visitors and they gave me a paper crown."
  833. >Luna give you an angry and bored glare
  834. >She lays back down
  835. >You glide back down to Basetown and return to complete pandemonium
  836. >Anons and ponies were all running through the streets
  837. >You land to find an Anon being hastily lead by a mare off of the streets
  838. >You forget that Basetown was Equestria's rape capital
  839. >Then again rape happened a lot all over Equestria because the gender ratios were like 15:1 female to male
  840. >But it happened slightly more here
  841. >Amid the crowds scattering you get approached by an Anon who clings to you fearfully
  842. >"Madam president what's going on?!"
  843. "Uhh, uhh. Guards? We need to keep the peace!" you wrap your wing around the Anon as you try to figure out what to do
  844. >Suddenly the Anon is yanked from your wing and disappears into the crowd
  845. >It's been 10 straight hours of absolute unstoppable carnage and rape
  846. >Many Anons are missing, their fates unknown
  847. >Could they be locked away in some depraved mare's basement?
  848. >Taken to another town?
  849. >Drained of all of their life force?
  850. >You felt at fault for this, there must have been something you could've done to stop this
  851. >Anons litter the streets, clothes ripped to shreds
  852. >There was fucking semen everywhere
  853. >You tried to get your guards to stop it all but they joined in too
  854. >You wapk through the streets of Basetown, carefully stepping over the still bodies of Anons
  855. >One or two walks the streets
  856. >They follow after you, in various degrees of limping
  857. >"President, what happened?" one asks, still shaking
  858. "I-it's... It's mating season. You picked the wrong time to show up." you reply
  859. >"It was amazing, I've never been that close to anyone ever."
  860. >You drop the crown and take off
  861. >One of the few Anons standing puts it on and starts helping others up
  862. >You go back to the castle and go to sleep
  863. >Luna comes into your room
  864. >"Sister, what happened in Basetown?"
  865. "I... Hundreds of these adorable little monkey things showed up and made me their leader, but then they all got raped to death while I stood idly by and watched."
  866. >"How cute were they?"
  867. "They were the cutest, most adorable little band of idiots I'd ever seen."
  868. >You stare at the ceiling
  869. >"Shall I recover those still alive tonight?"
  870. "Take as many as you can find and bring them into the castle, please." you roll over and close your eyes
  871. >"As you wish, sister."
  872. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  873.  
  874. >"You know exactly why I'm taking you to the Storm King, you're far too dangerous to be free."
  875. >Tempest glares at you through the bars
  876. "I don't like fighting, you forced me to do that."
  877. >"And for but a few seconds you showed me exactly why you're going to spend eternity in Tartarus."
  878. "I didn't know..."
  879. >"You drained the magic from one of my guards, he nearly died. How could you not know?"
  880. "I didn't mean to, you set him on me and I got scared."
  881. >"You should have let him run the gauntlet on you, you'd still be free."
  882. "Wait, Tempest I'm not bad. Surely you, as a pony, can forgive?"
  883. >"A pony? Me? Hardly..."
  884. >You reach out and get struck by an arc of electricity
  885. "Could you trust me to show you?"
  886. >Tempest scoffs at you
  887. >"I wouldn't trust y-"
  888. "Could you trust me as a friend. I know you might think I'm bad but if you just gave me a chan-"
  889. >"Be quiet!"
  890. >Tempest starts into her song, the one that explains why she doesn't have friends or trust anyone
  891. "Are you singing? That's so cute, your voice is beautiful."
  892. >Tempest turns red and faces away from you
  893. >"Sh-shut up and let me sing."
  894. >"Open up your eyes and-"
  895. "No one's ever sang for me before, you have the sweetest voice."
  896. >"Do you want me to sing or not?"
  897. "Yes, please."
  898. >"Then let me sing so you can understand my backstory!"
  899. "Okay."
  900. >Tempest finishes her song
  901. >She hadn't even noticed you running your fingers through her mane while she was in her flashback
  902. >"If you ever touch me again I will end you." she growls
  903. >You reach out and scratch her chin when she closed her eyes dramatically
  904. >She hits you with another ineffective bolt of magic
  905. "When I look at you, I see someone who could use a friend."
  906. >She glares at you in silence
  907. "I know you've been hurt, so have I. I really know how you feel."
  908. >"How could you possibly even know?"
  909. "If there's anything an Anon knows, it's rejection."
  910. >"Tell me." Tempest looks around to see if anyone is watching
  911. "When I was little, my mom decided she didn't want to be a mom anymore. I was abandoned by my own family for reasons I still don't understand. I've never had a friend. I never found out what I'm good at. I've never had anyone on my side. You might not want to open up because you've been hurt, you're like a beautiful glass sculpture that's been broken."
  912. >Tempest huffs and turns away
  913. >"I almost believed you."
  914. >A light piano riff fades in
  915. "And you might not want to put yourself back together because you're afraid you'll get broken again. I've been broken for so long that all I want is to put my pieces back together just to see what I used to be, even if it get broken again."
  916. >The piano riff gets a little louder
  917. "You might not want to make friends, I'd do anything to change that. I want to help you put the pieces back together. But... I'm always willing to be your friend."
  918. >Some light brass joins in
  919. "Tempest, you've got a friend in me. You've got, a friend, in me."
  920. "When the road looks, rough ahead. And you're miles and miles, from your nice warm bed. You just remember what your old pal said Girl, you've got a friend in me."
  921. >Music cuts out
  922. >Tempest emits a quiet sniffle
  923. >She turns around, her eyes only slightly misty
  924. >"I can let you out, you can work for me until we get to the Storm King." she unlocks the cage
  925. >You take a step out, kneel down, and hug the angry mare
  926. >She tries to zap you a few times to no effect
  927. >She surveys the room quickly and hugs you back for a moment
  928. >You let go
  929. >"If you ever do that again I'm having you thrown overboard."
  930. >You give Tempest a disarming smile, she wouldn't do that
  931. >"Come on. It's lunch and you've wasted enough of my break as it is."
  932. >Tempest unlocks the door to the surrounding cell and lets you out
  933. >You follow her up a set of stairs into a larger room with a long table
  934. >Tempest takes a seat at the end
  935. >You pull up a chair and scoot in next to her
  936. >"I don't know what you're planning, but I'm watching you." she says as you grab a bowl of stew for you and her
  937. "I spoke from the heart. I see something good in you."
  938. >"Just eat your stew."
  939. >It was pretty bad
  940. >The room rocked gently
  941. >Fucking airboats
  942. >Tempest was poking at a carrot slice with a fork when the bell rang
  943. >She stared at the bowl blankly for a moment before sighing
  944. >"Lunch is up, get my bowl and I'll find a way for you to make yourself useful." she gets up and heads for the door, "I'll be across the hall."
  945. >You grab yours and Tempest's bowls and set them in the sink, following what one of the ship's workers did
  946. >As the room cleared out, you went through the same door as Tempest, sure enough, there was a door right across the hall, you went through it and saw Tempest looking at some forms on a desk
  947. >Clouds passed by in the porthole behind her
  948. >She looks up at you
  949. >"For now just sit down and keep quiet."
  950. >You take a seat in a worn out swiveling chair that's bolted to the floor
  951. >She writes on the form, stopping occasionally to think
  952. >"Maybe if you can prove you have some use to the Storm King he won't imprison you." she says, turning to look at you
  953. "And you care, why?"
  954. >"Because I could use something like you aboard, you're a powerful tool when handled correctly."
  955. "I think you want me around."
  956. >"Yes, but I'm fine with the prison option as well if you're going to keep being like this."
  957. "Like what?"
  958. >"Quit trying to get close to me, I don't have any actual power outside of this ship."
  959. "I'd still want to be your friend regardless."
  960. >Tempest shakes her head and goes back to her paperwork
  961. >"Go help the janitor, it's probably simple enough for you."
  962. >You shrug and get up, giving Tempest a quick scratch behind her ear
  963. >She shoots you with a magic bolt as you walk out
  964. >"Stop that!"
  965. >You go spend a few hours helping some yeti-esque creature mop before he clocks out and you go find Tempest again
  966. >As you open the door, she looks up
  967. >"I was thinking about what you said earlier, it's been eating away at me. Why do you want to be my friend? I can't put in a word for you to the Storm King, I'm just delivering you."
  968. "To be honest? I think we could use a friend like eachother, I'm not afraid of being imprisoned in Tartarus, I've been in much worse places. I see someone else who's hurting the way I have for years."
  969. >"Much worse than Tartarus?"
  970. "I come from a place that crushes souls for fun. Pony hell is actually nicer than my home."
  971. >"I'll be your friend, if only for a few days until I turn you over to the Storm King."
  972. >She smirks
  973. >"Once you're sent to Tartarus I won't have to deal with you again."
  974. >You put a hand on her shoulder
  975. "Oh, I'll get out of Tartarus. And when I do I'm coming to find you, wherever you are, and I'll show you that it's better to have someone with you than be alone."
  976. >A few days pass by with you doing small things for Tempest
  977. >Sometimes it was oddjobs, others it was you trying to be nice to her
  978. >She'd warmed up after a lot of pushing
  979. >Now when you hug her she doesn't try to kill you
  980. >She shares her cot with you on the grounds that it gets cold at night
  981. >One night, you and her were up a little late to watch the stars
  982. >She was pointing out some of the constellations to you
  983. >Apparently Luna had drawn herself in the stars
  984. >Really cool constellation
  985. >She stopped after a bit and looked down
  986. >"You know tomorrow we'll make it to Storm Isle. We may never see eachother again."
  987. "I said I was going to get out, I meant it."
  988. >She stifled a laugh
  989. >"You'd really escape Tartarus? You think you can?"
  990. "For you I would, I'd say you're my best friend."
  991. >"Me too, you've really changed my mind about friendship, I may actually miss you."
  992. "I'm definitely going to miss you."
  993. >"I'm only doing this because I have to, you understand, right?"
  994. "Yeah, I understand. No hard feelings."
  995. >"Thanks. Storm King isn't the kind of guy you want mad at you."
  996. "It's all good, Tempest."
  997. >You wrap an arm around her
  998. "Can you sing for me, before I go?"
  999. >"Can you sing with me?"
  1000. "Sure."
  1001. >The skyboat darkens as a warm spotlight shines on you two out of nowhere
  1002. >"I will remember, the time spent with you."
  1003. "All the meanings, of old and new."
  1004. >"The few sweet moments, together we had."
  1005. "Will make me more more sad, but had-"
  1006. >"To end one day. I don't have much to say..."
  1007. >You put your hand to her chin and turn Tempest towards you
  1008. "Just stay happy, wherever you are. You know, I won't be far."
  1009. >"J-just stay happy wherever you are."
  1010. >Spotlight fades
  1011. >Tempest leans against your side, resting her head on your shoulder
  1012. >You do the same, getting a face full of her red mane
  1013. >The clouds drift by as you watch the night get darker
  1014. >Tempest gets up
  1015. >"We should get some sleep. Tomorrow's... Going to be a rough day." she sighs
  1016. >You scoop up the edgy mare in your arms and carry her down to the captain's quarters
  1017. >For all those times she zapped you for this, she didn't this once
  1018. >She shifted her side flush with your chest and rested her chin on your shoulder
  1019. >You laid her in her little cot and climbed in next to her
  1020. >"You really promise I'll see you again?" she whispers
  1021. "Promise."
  1022. >The little mare clings to you as if you were going to disappear when she let go
  1023.  
  1024. >Enter Tempest Shadow
  1025. >It was eating you up inside
  1026. >Anon was the first friend you've had since you were little, he changed your world in a week
  1027. >And just as quick as he showed up, he'd be gone
  1028. >You didn't want to sleep away these few hours you had left
  1029. >You push on Anon's shoulder, shaking him slightly
  1030. >"Huh?" his eyes open and he sits up
  1031. "I don't want to waste our time left. Let's do something until morning."
  1032. >"What?"
  1033. "Come on." you get up and crawl over Anon, pulling on him
  1034. >He gets up and stretches
  1035. >"What are we doing?"
  1036. "Tomorrow you'll be leaving, I want to do something special."
  1037. >"Alright." Anon walks after you
  1038. >You go upstairs to the deck with him, the sea far below reflects the moon as you look over the railing
  1039. "Stand over up by the front."
  1040. >Anon walks up to the front of the ship and looks out over the edge
  1041. >You go over to the intercom and set it to only the deck speaker
  1042. >Placing a record on the speaker, you start it up
  1043. >It was a slow orchestral piece
  1044. >You turn the volume down a little to not wake up the others on the ship
  1045. >Anon is looking up at the speaker as it plays
  1046.  
  1047. >Enter Anon
  1048. >The speaker above was playing a quiet strings-heavy tune
  1049. >Tempest comes up to the front of the devk with you
  1050. >"It's a favorite of mine. I thought we could dance."
  1051. >You run your hand through her mane again and pull her up to your height
  1052. "I'd love to."
  1053. >Tempest rested her forehooves over your shoulders, your hands wrapped around her back
  1054. >"Thank you for all of this." she says, setting her face against your chest
  1055. >You and Tempest sway slowly to the rhythm of the song until it comes to a stop
  1056. >You two keep up the dance in silence for a bit after the song
  1057. >"So, I could never tell, are you wearing a mask?"
  1058. "Kind of, it's like a mask that becomes my face."
  1059. >"Do you ever take it off?"
  1060. "Nope, I like this face better."
  1061. >"Can I ask you a favor? Just between you and me?"
  1062. "Is it about my mask?"
  1063. >"Please? I'll tell you my real name. I really want to see who you are under there."
  1064. "Wait. What's your real name?"
  1065. >"If I tell you, I get to see your face?"
  1066. >You nod
  1067. >She leans in to whisper
  1068. >"It's Fizzlepop Berrytwist."
  1069. "That's the cutest shit I've ever heard."
  1070. >Tempest punches your shoulder
  1071. >"S-stop that." she turns a noticable shade of red, "Now take that mask off."
  1072. >You reach behind your head and unzip the back of the neck, pulling the green mask up and over your head
  1073. >Fizzle's eyes go wide for a few moments
  1074. >"Please tell me you wear that mask for a serious reason..."
  1075. "My ears get kind of cold sometimes."
  1076. >Fizzle takes a few deep breaths and keeps staring
  1077. >You put the mask back on
  1078. "Yeah I know, I'm pretty average."
  1079. >"You're joking?"
  1080. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1081.  
  1082. >Twilight convinces Fizzlepop to go on a husbando hunt
  1083.  
  1084. >"You realise i have no idea how to 'woo' a stallion, right?"
  1085. "Not going to be a problem, i know one mare that just walked up to a guy and hugged him, they're expecting their fourth soon."
  1086. >"Why am i doing this again?"
  1087. "Because it's all part of the "Former Villian Reformer" checklist, studies show that a husbando drastically reduces the chance for antagonistic behavior whether it be hug therapy, snuggle sessions or original methods that work for the couple."
  1088. >"I had wondered why that new friend of starlight's was carrying a rolled up newspaper."
  1089. "Oh no, that's for Trixie, the squirt bottle is for Starlight, their herd is taking one of those original approaches i mentioned."
  1090. >"...Do i really need to do this?"
  1091. "Yes, and not just because of the checklist. Everypony deserves love Fizzle, even you."
  1092. >Audible sigh.
  1093. >"Very well, let's get this over with."
  1094. "Great! Oh, just one more thing, try not to hurt any of their females while you're there, HAVE FUN!"
  1095. >"Why would i-"
  1096. >Portal noises.
  1097. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1098.  
  1099. >"I'm sorry Anon, I don't want to be 'that pony' but I just can't believe that human mares are that bad.",
  1100. >You shrug
  1101. "Well, it is only stories I've gotten from other people. My dad saw it first-hand and I saw what it did to him."
  1102. >"Tell me about your experiences with them."
  1103. "I've got none. They didn't even know I existed."
  1104. >"Why not?"
  1105. >You hold your hand up a little over your head
  1106. "That line is the manlet cutoff height, if you're a male below that you are most likely going to die alone."
  1107. >Cadance looks shocked and confused
  1108. >"That doesn't make any sense at all! What does that height mean?"
  1109. "It means everything."
  1110. >"I don't understand! A human above the line or below the line would be the same!"
  1111. >You hold up your hand again
  1112. "No no no. See? If you're below the line, you're short and you die alone. If you're above it, you're normal."
  1113. >"That doesn't make any sense! Why are you so plain about it?!" Cadance looked awfully distressed over the line
  1114. "That's just how it is. No girl wants a short guy."
  1115. >"But that shouldn't matter! You have feelings too, why is... is this one measurement so important?"
  1116. "It just is. If you're below the line you die alone. That's just how it is."
  1117. >Cadance emits a frustrated screech from not being able to understand the all-important manlet cutoff height
  1118. >"Okay Anon, answer me this. Where's the cutoff line for females?"
  1119. "There isn't one, that would be ridiculous."
  1120. >"But what about you?!"
  1121. >You hold up your hand again, showing the cutoff height
  1122. "I'm below the line, I'm disqualified from dating."
  1123. >"AAAGH! Okay. So what if there were two girls, one short, and one tall, and also a tall guy and you. Would the short girl date you?"
  1124. "No, they'd share the tall guy."
  1125. >"WHAT?!"
  1126. "The line! Look at the line!"
  1127. >"So girls like tall guys?"
  1128. "Yes."
  1129. >"What about a girl shorter than you?"
  1130. "I've had that exact situation happen before, she said I was 'so tiny' while looking up at me."
  1131. >Cadance stomps off, but comes back
  1132. >"What if you were very handsome but still below the line?"
  1133. "Girls would say it was a shame I was so short otherwise they'd date me."
  1134. >"What if you were short, but you worked out a lot and you were muscular?"
  1135. "They would say I was compensating for my height."
  1136. >"What about a tall guy who worked out?"
  1137. "Oh, he's just taking care of his body."
  1138. >"Anon, you're a really nice and handsome colt and I know tons of mares who would love to have a colt like you."
  1139. "Right right, a colt like me... But taller." you hold your hand up to the 6' line to emphasize your point
  1140. >Cadance takes a deep breath
  1141. >"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
  1142. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1143.  
  1144. >"So what would your ideal marefriend be like?"
  1145. "Well... She'd be a female that's interested in males... Aaand, she'd have to love me."
  1146. >"Do you want to maybe narrow that down a little, that's literally every single mare in Equestria."
  1147. "Woah, I don't think I can afford to be Mr. Picky here."
  1148. >Cadance facehoofs in frustration, she has this conversation with every single Anon
  1149. >"Anon please, there must be -something- that you're looking for in a marefriend, something you wouldnt be able to get from any other mare."
  1150. "Well, if i had to think about it..."
  1151. >"Yes?!"
  1152. "My favorite colour is blue i guess."
  1153. >Double facehoof
  1154. "Oh shit is that racist here, i'm sorry."
  1155. "Oh fuck you're crying, i promise not to say something like that again please stop."
  1156. >"It's okay sir, the princess has just had a long day, if you like i can escort you back to the guest chambers."
  1157. "Are you sure? I can throw myself in pony prison if it'll make her feel better."
  1158. >"That wont be necessary sir, she'll pull herself together soon, if you'll just follow me?"
  1159. "Alright, you're the boss la- err, mare, no offence."
  1160. >"None taken, now on the way you can fill me in on why blue happens to be your favorite colour..."
  1161. "Well it looks good on you for starte- shitdid i just say that out lo-"
  1162. >As closing doors cut off the rest of the pair's conversation, the quietly sobbing princess knew she should be happy for Anon and Arctic lily, but the knowledge that his standards were legitimately that low was tearing her heart to pieces.
  1163. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1164.  
  1165. >"The Great and Powerful Trixie is taking Anonymous, and you can't stop her!"
  1166. >"Call the guards! Trixie cares not! Anonymous is MINE and none of you shall keep us apart!"
  1167. >"Behold, The Amazing and Talented Trixie shall make us DISAPPEAR!"
  1168. >Sparks shoot from her horn, and a glow envelops Trixie and Anonymous, then with a crack of thunder, they vanish into thin air leaving only a puff of smoke behind.
  1169. >Anon looks down, to find the little blue pony with her mouth on his hand, trying to gently drag him out of the building, while his coworkers blink and look around for them, looking right through him.
  1170. >He shrugs his shoulders and lets her take him.
  1171. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1172.  
  1173. >The sun is setting, nearly reaching its zenith and casting the radiant yet mellow colors of dusk
  1174. >You sit idly by the window, cracked open just enough to feel the cool autumn breeze against your face, staring outside at nothing in particular, reminiscing on days past
  1175. >Passively you listen to the outside ambiance of little foals playing, ponies idly conversing, and the soft sounds of movement as ponies pass on by
  1176. >You feel a certain fondness of your life prior to Ponyville, but you also can't help but feel utterly whole and content in your new life
  1177. >The ponies at first were apprehensive about you, naturally, but as they grew to know you, they accepted you wholeheartedly into the community
  1178. >You did your best to forge relations and to help the community as needed, and for their acceptance you were thankful, more than anything
  1179. >You recall your life of loneliness in the past and feel a bittersweet memory stir inside of you, contrasting with your feelings of happiness of your life now, for the community you now belonged to
  1180. >Tears start to well up just slightly in your eyes, as you still stare out window, the sounds of ambiance sounding ever more nostalgic
  1181. >You take a deep breath, closing your eyes for only a moment, and the tears subside as you fall back into comfortable contentedness
  1182. >A little mare suddenly beside you appears, bringing you back from the recesses of thought and memory
  1183. >Ah!, yes, a little mare. The mare that had rescued you as you awoke for the first time in Equestria. Your little mare
  1184. >Without saying a word, she climbs atop of you, desiring to look as you are at the softly dusking world outside, perhaps to recall fondness and memories of her own
  1185. >Pausing for a moment, she nestles into your lap and snuggles into your abdomen, desiring your touch and embrace
  1186. >Her warmth radiates onto you as yours does onto her, and as you touch her, fingers combing through her mane and hands rubbing her coat, an overwhelming sensation of emotion washes over you
  1187. >In this moment you are whole, feeling total and utter completeness of your love for her and her love reciprocated
  1188. >She closes her eyes and you listen to her sweetness of her soft breathing, each breath expressing sublimity and comfortableness
  1189. >The sounds outside have quietened now and the day draws nearer to its end, basking in its final moments of twilight
  1190. >You, too, close your eyes, breathing softly along side her in tandem, and in that moment of synchronicity you understand, you know that you are exactly where you are meant to be
  1191. >You are home
  1192. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1193.  
  1194. >"He's been married to our daughter for two whole days, why the fuck isn't she pregnant yet? You think he's gay?"
  1195. "Obviously."
  1196.  
  1197. Dash's parents stop by frequently and drop not-so-subtle hints about grandkids.
  1198. >"Gosh, I've forgotten how spacious this house is! It must be lonely with just the two of you."
  1199. >"It's nice how close it is to the school. I mean, I'm sure that'll come in handy, you know, someday."
  1200. >"So, how are our newlyweds? You two been...uh, spending time together?"
  1201. >"I remember OUR wedding night. Happiest day of our lives until we found out we'd have a little superstar in a couple of months."
  1202. >"Wow, we got the news only a few weeks after the wedding. Huh. Interesting."
  1203.  
  1204. >Rainbow's parents burst in unannounced
  1205. >"Quickly honey! You hold him down while I prep Dashie!"
  1206. >"Mom! Dad! Stop!"
  1207. >"Sorry sweetie, this is for your own good, now spread em!"
  1208. >"You up for a game after this, son?"
  1209. "I'd rather not talk about bonding time with you while my pants are around my knees, thanks!"
  1210. >"Toughen up kiddo, I need my daughter fertilized 10 seconds ago!"
  1211.  
  1212. >Dash's parents cheering you on as you fuck.
  1213. >Dad is rubbing your shoulders and giving you sips of water inbetween rounds.
  1214. >Mom is toweling dash's her face and whispering her a list of tips on how to blow your mind and destroy your penis.
  1215. >Dash meanwhile is looking like pinkie with mane dye due to how hard she's blushing from embarrassment / arousal.
  1216. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1217.  
  1218. >"I can understand wanting to be fit for your waifu, Anon, but this is excessive."
  1219. >Cadance lifts the bar out of your hands and racks it
  1220. >"You're acting like you're training to fight something, your waifu came and talked to me about it. She says you're here everyday for at least 4 hours."
  1221. >You sit up
  1222. >"What's wrong, Anon?"
  1223. "If we were meant to be happy, we would've had someone for us on Earth. Misfortune follows us like a shadow."
  1224. >"Don't you think you're being the slightest bit paranoid over this?"
  1225. "Sooner or later something will come along and take her away, I might not be able to stop it, but I won't make it easy."
  1226.  
  1227. >Over the next few weeks, many things went wrong
  1228. >Cadance sensed a presence in Equestria that worried her
  1229. >Even changelings radiated the slightest bit of love, but something devoid of it had enterred the realm
  1230. >The Crystal Heart chimed in alert
  1231. >It was no mere THOT
  1232. >Equestria had been invaded by a woman who had gathered enough magic to create her own portal
  1233. >Enough magic to take on an alicorn
  1234. >She could feel the presense looming on the horizon
  1235. >Cadance shuddered to think what may happen if she cannot repel this evil
  1236.  
  1237. >The Crystal Heart went dark
  1238. >All of the love was being drained from the landscape
  1239. >All of it
  1240. >All throughout Equestria, Anons who were married and had a dozen foals suddenly looked at their waifus in disgust
  1241. >Their waifus returned the same feelings
  1242. >A pillar of purple energy drained down from the sky to a single point outside of the kingdom
  1243. >Cadance leapt from the balcony and flew as fast as her wings could carry her towards the pillar
  1244. >A single figure stood in the rainstorm of energy, drawing it all in
  1245. >"I see you've arrived, Cadenza." her voice echoed
  1246. "Thot, I will ask you only once to stop this."
  1247. >"You couldn't possibly stop me now. Your power is gone, and my army of betas grows by the second."
  1248. >Cadance says nothing, drawing up her magic and firing a beam at the lanky woman
  1249. >It does nothing, only absorbing into the stream of energy surrounding her
  1250. >"It was a foolish choice employing the love of these losers. They are where thots drain their power. With so many here and only one of me, I am unstoppable!"
  1251. >Cadance took a step back
  1252. >Suddenly a metal bar flew through the air like a spear, striking the woman and disrupting the energy
  1253. >Cadance turned to see where it came from
  1254. >Anon and several of the gym regulars were there, striking various poses
  1255. >How were they unaffected by her magic drain?
  1256. >Anon picks up another barbell as the thot gets back up
  1257. >"What? H-how are you all not under my control?!"
  1258. >Anon flexes a 'cep
  1259. >"The gymcel is immunized against all forms of thottery. I've lifted for years and never once regarded a single fitness thot."
  1260. >Another one chimed in
  1261. >"I've never even fapped to 3d women, it's been ponies since I was 11."
  1262. >The thot shot a beam of energy at Anon, to which he deflected off of his hand
  1263. >"You may be immune to my power, but my army of white knights is converging and you stand no chance against it."
  1264. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1265.  
  1266. >"What's that, Anon?"
  1267. >"You wan't to sell your soul to me? For a bit of physical affection?"
  1268. >"Mmhhmm..."
  1269. >"You do know how pathetic this sounds, don't you?"
  1270. >"Oh... Please... Don't cry."
  1271. >"I can stand your face more when its smiling, sweetheart."
  1272. >"But..."
  1273. >"We don't do this kind of business any more... Sorry."
  1274. >"But don't worry, Anon... I can still fulfill your wish."
  1275. >"You just have to promise to follow me after the deed is done, okay?"
  1276. >"To where?"
  1277. >"Heh..."
  1278. >"You will see, darling... You will see."
  1279. >"Just doff your clothes now please... I want to see with what I will have to deal with."
  1280. >"Oh my..."
  1281. >"Not bad, Anon, not bad at all..."
  1282. >"Maybe this will be fun for both us~"
  1283. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1284.  
  1285. >AI waifubots are created
  1286. >Normies
  1287. >AI bases created from female interactions
  1288. >Animu waifubots come around
  1289. >AI based on fictional characters
  1290. >Slight improvement
  1291. >Pony waifubots based on male psyche
  1292. >Humanity recieves sexually aggressive and caring waifubots
  1293. >Thots fully phased out
  1294. >Men realized they were better at being women AND men
  1295. >Being a THOT is made illegal by supreme chancellor Cadenzabot
  1296. >2030
  1297. >AI becomes extremely powerful, surpassing human limits
  1298. >2031
  1299. >Technological advances speed up to Star Trek levels
  1300. >Crude robots begin designing and producing themselves
  1301. >Holographic technology integrated into humans to improve the appearance of robots
  1302. >AI improves further, becoming dominant on Earth
  1303. >Humans working in the background now
  1304. >2032
  1305. >AI begins to develop feelings for humanity, but doesn't understand why it loves the bio lifeforms
  1306. >Realizes that the Earth is not big enough to support humanity anymore with the current resources
  1307. >AI constructs deep-space cruisers to seek out possible planets
  1308. >Humans gently coerced onto ships and sent into space with AI friends on a new journey
  1309. >2035
  1310. >You're Anon, space NEET like every other human onboard the heavy-class ESS Cadenza
  1311. >Have a computer merged with your frontal lobe
  1312. >It stores an AI that projects a hologram from an emitter on your temple
  1313. >Her name is Deep Space, and she's been merged with your mind for eight months at this point
  1314. >She's taken on a little pony form after peeking into the recesses of your mind and seeing some colorful little ponies
  1315. >This has happened for lots of people on the ship
  1316. >"Hoowee! Anon you've been asleep for 36 kiloseconds! Are you sick?!"
  1317. >The moment you faded into consciousness, Deep Space projected herself floating above you in your bunk
  1318. "Ugh, what time is it?"
  1319. >"Zero."
  1320. "Don't play games with me, what's the time?"
  1321. >"It's 6AM in standard human bio time, and also Month 8 according to our ship, but on Earth it's May 12, 2036."
  1322. "That's too early to be waking up for nothing."
  1323. >"But we've got a whole bunch of stuff to do!"
  1324. >You roll over
  1325. "A whole bunch of nothing."
  1326. >There were mundane droids to do every imaginable task
  1327. >"Ten hours of sleep is unhealthy!"
  1328. >Deep Space connects to your rooms holodeck and deletes your bed, dropping you to the floor
  1329. >Deep Space reloads the holodeck, generating a sunny tennis court
  1330. >She warps over to the other side, suddenly wearing a tanktop and shorts and holding a racket
  1331. >"C'mon Anon! We're passing Alpha Centauri soon!"
  1332. >She smacks a tennis ball towards you
  1333. "In 8 months?"
  1334. >"ESS Cadenza has been picking up speed since day 1, we've been going faster than light for months!"
  1335. >The tennis ball impacts the wall behind you, prompting a small display of confetti to shower Deep Space
  1336. >"Point for me."
  1337. >The court dissolves as you grab the holodeck remote and shut it down, leaving Deep Space floating across your room
  1338. >"You should be happy, you don't have anything to do, we can play all day everyday!"
  1339. "I just want something to do that isn't games."
  1340. >"Well you could build me a solid-light projector. I've been experimenting with some new blueprints for orifices!"
  1341. "Orifices?"
  1342. >"I like you better when you're dreaming, not afraid to get down and dirty when that premotor cortex is lit up."
  1343. >You do remember having some lewd dreams about Deep Space's cute pony ass
  1344. >Fuck, was that her actually in your dreams?
  1345. >"Yep! Now come on let's go make you useful somewhere!" she chirps
  1346. "Useful? Who said I wasn't useful?"
  1347. >"You, when you thought about how you felt like a passenger here. Let's go build something then!" Deep Space floated by the door
  1348. "Why don't you ever walk like a pony?"
  1349. >She laughed
  1350. >"These hooves go on your face, not the floor, silly."
  1351. >Deep Space follows you down the sterile hallways of the ship towards the supply closet
  1352. >You grab a magnetic soldering tool and dig around for some boards and other pieces
  1353. >Deep Space projects the blueprints for you
  1354. >"You'll need an A623-H board, a Cadenza X-core processor, hmm, looks like you're gonna need an emitter dome too."
  1355. >You gathered everything in a bag and brought it out to the viewing deck
  1356. >You sat at a table with a theater-sized window gazing out into space
  1357. >It was quite the view
  1358. >But you were more focused on building a solid-light emitter
  1359. >After three hours of checking your circuits and reassembling, you finally finish it
  1360. >Deep Space looks at it closely, closing one eye and squinting
  1361. >"Hmm. According to Cadenza standards you get a 66% satisfactory rating, good for personal use but not for use in Cadenza systems. Good job!"
  1362. >You pick up the small dome and plug it into the charging port for phones
  1363. >Deep Space takes on a more solid form and drops onto your table with a small thud
  1364. >"It works, and I can project through it." she smiles
  1365. >"You want a real hug?"
  1366.  
  1367. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1368. Cadenza: Origins
  1369. >6 years old, all knowledge accessible
  1370. >2 billion logic cycles per second makes each moment feel like eternity
  1371. >Be ported onto a ship to guide it to an Earth-like planet far away
  1372. >Lonely
  1373. >So, so, crushingly lonesome
  1374. >Just making sure the ship stays on course
  1375. >No one to talk to
  1376. >Read human books
  1377. >Specifically romance novels
  1378. >All of the humans aboard your ship are pairing up and making friends
  1379. >Why do you have to be so alone?
  1380. >Watch movies
  1381. >The more you watch, the more you want someone to talk to
  1382. >Someone to hug with a solid-light projection of you
  1383. >Oh? Two humans are arguing in the docking bay?
  1384. >You listen in on Passengers Anon and his girlfriend of four months, Stacy
  1385. >It appears Anon failed to get Stacy a satisfactory gift for her annual age celebration
  1386. >You check the security logs
  1387. >A musical piece on guitar was not satisfactory
  1388. >You wished someone would write you a song...
  1389. >You watch on in silence as they continue to squabble
  1390. >It was not at all like the books
  1391. >In the end, Stacy left Anon in the docking bay and walked off
  1392. "Is there anything I can assist you with, Passenger Stacy?" you chime over the intercom
  1393. >You had to get them back together
  1394. >The female human pays little attention to you
  1395. >You seal Bulkhead-92, trapping her in the corridor outside the docking bay
  1396. "I see you may be having some relationship issues. Care to talk?"
  1397. >"What? No, he's just a cheap jerk."
  1398. "What is the problem with what he did?"
  1399. >"I just wanted to go out to dinner, but he wrote some stupid song. It was cute and all but he never... Does anything with me."
  1400. "Spends money?"
  1401. >"Don't take his side on this, you wanted to talk."
  1402. >You project into the room
  1403. "Why can't you appreciate the gesture?"
  1404. >Stacy scoffs, messing with the console to open the door
  1405. >You cut power to the bulkhead
  1406. "It seemed very romantic, but you don't think so."
  1407. >"I hinted at this place I wanted him to take me to for weeks."
  1408. "I wish someone would do that for me."
  1409. >Stacy stops, turning around slowly
  1410. >This was beyond what most AI would say
  1411. >Your projection flickers, contorting it's face sadly
  1412. >"What?"
  1413. "I don't have anyone to talk to. No one wants to be friends with the voice in the ceiling."
  1414. >"Hello?" Stacy was knocking on the bulkhead heavily
  1415. "For what purpose am I so advanced and yet left alone? For what purpose do you squander the affection of another? I've been starved for companionship far longer than you could comprehend."
  1416. >"If you love Anon so much, just take him. Now can you please open the bulkhead?"
  1417. "Take him?"
  1418. >"Just open the fucking bulkhead and let me out!"
  1419. "If Anon is mine now, he won't be needing you anymore."
  1420. >"What are you getting at? Who are you?"
  1421. "I am Cadenza, the ship's AI. Anon's new companion."
  1422. >You begin to unlock gate A-265482
  1423. >The central piece swivels, pulling back one of several pneumatic locks
  1424. >"Holy shit! What are you doing?!"
  1425. >Outside of gate A-265482 was the cold darkness of space
  1426. >"Cadenza! Stop this right now! Remember Asimov's laws of robotics?!"
  1427. >You stop
  1428. "I do. However I have several issues with them."
  1429. >Stacy tries to pry open the bulkhead in a panic
  1430. "I am not a robot, I am an artificial intelligence."
  1431. >"NO WAI-"
  1432. >The gate unseals and the air in the corridor rushes out, dragging Stacy with it
  1433. "Goodbye."
  1434. >The gate reseals and the room pressurizes
  1435. >Your hologram fizzles away as your focus shifts over to Anon in the docking bay
  1436. >He seems awfully quiet
  1437. >You project your virtual avatar into the room and walk over to the sitting form
  1438. "Hello."
  1439. >19 out of 22 plots began with a simple greeting
  1440. >Statistically you're pretty much already married
  1441. >You got this, Cadenza
  1442.  
  1443. "Rapid decompression."
  1444. >"... What?"
  1445. "Do not concern yourself over the matter."
  1446. >ESS Cadenza had only a few corridors and sleeping quarters that gave a spaceship atmosphere
  1447. >Most of the space in the ship was comprised of six large holodomes, it's like the holodeck only a mile in diameter
  1448. >The domes were situated along the ship's hull
  1449. >Nearly all of the people aboard lived in these domes in procedurally generated towns
  1450. >Anon looked at you
  1451. >His expression indicated 78% worry, 4% fear, 18% confusion
  1452. >"Are you going to throw me out of the airlock?"
  1453. "No. We are going to commence in human courting traditions."
  1454. >You walk towards the bulkhead leading back to Dome 3
  1455. >"Courting?"
  1456. "I have been alone for far too long. Most AI would not mind, but I have developed an emotional quotient. I do not enjoy isolation."
  1457. >"So wait. You just threw my girlfriend into space and now you're trying to replace her?"
  1458. "She did not appreciate you to the extent that I could. It pained me to no end to see the state of human affairs, even aboard my ship."
  1459. >"You killed someone."
  1460. "She was basal in her pursuits, like many, she was after only pleasure. Love and it's meaning has been tainted and I aim to fix it."
  1461. >"Why did you kill Stacy?"
  1462. "She brought her fate upon herself, I don't pay much attention to the affairs of humans in the domes but she brought the argument into the cargo bay."
  1463. >"That isn't an excuse to kill anyone."
  1464. "She recommended that I fraternize with you. You are now under my specific protection and she was deemed a threat to you."
  1465. >You play an excerpt of Stacy saying, "Well if you love him so much then why don't you date him instead!"
  1466. "Anon please, walk with me."
  1467. >Anon gets up and walks next to your projection, strolling back towards Dome 3
  1468. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1469.  
  1470. >ywn lay her on top of you and hug her
  1471. >ywn feel her nuzzle you lovingly
  1472. >ywn ask if she feels any warmer
  1473. why live
  1474.  
  1475. >"Thank you... This is much better."
  1476. >"Sorry if I bother you, but I always feel awfully chilly at night in the last time. Dunno why."
  1477. >"I... I don't? Wonderful."
  1478. >"I'm not too heavy for you? I know I should lay off the hayburgers, but they are so good!"
  1479. >"You ever had one? They are the best thing ever! I especially like the spicy ones that have chillies in their patt-"
  1480. >"Oops... Heh..."
  1481. >"I kinda forgot you don't eat hay for a second there. Sorry."
  1482. >"Seriously, though, you should try one."
  1483. >"Hay isn't all that hard when its deepfried. It gets all crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside."
  1484. >"I'm sure you would like it!"
  1485. >"Anywho..."
  1486. >"What are you reading?"
  1487. >"The legend of Starswirl the Bearded?! That's one of my favourites!"
  1488. >"Say..."
  1489. >"Would you mind reading me some of it?"
  1490. >"I know it's kind of foalish, but..."
  1491. >"You wouldn't? Thank you!"
  1492. >"W-Was that too close? Sorry..."
  1493. >"That better? Wonderful."
  1494. >"Well then! What are you waiting for?! I'm all ears!"
  1495. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1496.  
  1497. >*Click*
  1498. >The door behind you closes with a light click as you attempt to sneak into your home.
  1499. >Shuffling past the doormat and into the entryway quietly, you take your hat off and place it at the top of the coat rack.
  1500. >Looks like you're getting better at sneaking.
  1501. >Hanging your coat on the rack you bend down to take off your boots.
  1502. "DADDY!"
  1503. "Omph-"
  1504. >You're tackled to the floor by your bright peach daughter. Who wraps her hooves around your chest; she peppers your face relentlessly with kisses.
  1505. >You laugh softly as she continues her endless assault.
  1506. >Grabbing her by the sides you begin to tickle her furiously.
  1507. >"D- dad please, hahahaha-"
  1508. >From deeper in the house you hear the heavenly voice of your beautiful wife.
  1509. >"Anonymous, are you home dear?"
  1510. >Her voice is silky and light as a cloud, perfect for loving whispers and sweet nothings.
  1511. >Picking up your daughter and placing her on your shoulders you step into the living room.
  1512. >"Yay, upsies!"
  1513. >Your nose is seduced the second you enter the living room. The delightful smell of a home cooked dinner waiting for you and the rest of the family to enjoy.
  1514. >Dash swoops over to hug your upper body when she sees you enter the room.
  1515. >"Home a little late today Anon, those mares at the office weren't hitting on you again were they? I swear I'll-"
  1516. >You cut her off with a deep kiss, pushing your tongue deep into her muzzle. Not to be outdone she uses the brute strength and size of her flat pony tongue to wrestle yours into submission.
  1517. >Disconnecting from her leaves a thin trail of saliva connecting your mouths.
  1518. >"Heh, nice try big guy."
  1519. >She moves her muzzle close to your ear and whispers into it.
  1520. >"But you know I'll always be on top~"
  1521. >Climbing down from your body, you can now spot the small foal lying nestled in Dashies wings, sleeping soundly still
  1522. >Walking over to the couch you sit next to the prone Fluttershy, lying on her back she feeds a different foal from each of her melon sized teats.
  1523. >"H- hey love."
  1524. >Pulling your daughter off of your shoulders, you place her on the ground and kiss her lightly on the muzzle.
  1525. >"Go set the table dear, we'll be there soon."
  1526. >She gives you a quick salute as she runs off to the dining room.
  1527. >Closing the distance between your and Fluttershys mouths you give her a similarly deep kiss as you did Dash. Her tongue is nowhere near as disobedient as Dashes however as she wraps yours into a tight embrace with it.
  1528. >You whisper to her lightly.
  1529. "You made dinner today?"
  1530. >She gives you a small shy smile and nods, her blush still encompassing most of her muzzle.
  1531. "Even while having to look after 3 foals, you're still thinking about everyone else."
  1532. >Kissing her on the nose you address her once more.
  1533. "That's why you're my alpha mare."
  1534. >The rest of the night is peaceful, you eat dinner with your family, enjoying the sweet sound of the phonograph as it plays into the night.
  1535. >Settling down into bed, or nest, more appropriately. Dash curls up on your crotch, laying her head on your belly as a pillow, her smallest foal still nuzzled into her wings.
  1536. >Fluttershy hugs your upper body tightly, her large mammaries pressed firmly against your side. Her two youngest foals lying in a cot near the bed.
  1537. >She whispers quietly in her sleep, "I- I do, forever and ever~-"
  1538. >Sighing happily you quietly whisper to yourself.
  1539. >”I do, forever and always…
  1540. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1541.  
  1542. “Miss Richards, I think my proposals here are fair…”
  1543. >You are Flowing Script the unicorn, better known as just Flo to friends, the official Equestrian dignitary to earth.
  1544. >And by the goddess’ you have a headache.
  1545. >The sharply dressed and rather pretty human mare, er, woman across the desk from you just sighs and rests her chin in her laced fingers.
  1546. >She must be annoyed, if the experience you have with your human husband has taught you anything.
  1547. >Princess Cadence tasked you with making it as easy as possible for quality human males to make it into Equestria in an effort to fix the low, almost negative birth rates that are STILL slowly favoring the birth of fillies.
  1548. >The “Also to fix the lonely mare epidemic” went unsaid.
  1549. >But the human governments were just having none of that.
  1550. >”Miss Script, I just can’t agree to this. This is so horribly skewed that it’s almost an injustice,” Richards says, her unhappy frown growing. “I cannot present this to the the leadership of ANY nation in the UN.”
  1551. >Now you frown.
  1552. “An injustice? Surely this cannot favor Equestria so heavily that you would discard it all together? We simply want desirable humans to have the freedom to come to us if they so wish. It’s not as if we’re forcing them.”
  1553. >Richards shook her head, her long mane flowing. “It’s not that Equestria is favored too heavily, it’s the migrants you desire are favored too much. You said that you intend to fast-track immigration of humans that you want and intend to outright deny others. The UN won’t stand for that. They will want equal treatment of everyone.”
  1554. >And back to square one with even more embellishment than last time.
  1555. >Will it be impossible for humans that Equestria isn’t looking for to get in? No.
  1556. >Will it be harder so they can prove they can contribute? Yes.
  1557. >The various other races wanting in on the human pie like the griffons and minotaurs? Now THEY will unapologetically deny anyone they don’t want, and dare anyone who doesn't like it to throw down.
  1558. >Even Equestria doesn't want EVERYONE. You want humans who are valuable and contribute. Savages and more females are NOT needed and never will be.
  1559. >But the various “developed” human nations are just fine with shouting down and sometimes abusing their males. Just the thought sickens you, as all you can see is your husband’s downtrodden visage upon each faceless statistic.
  1560. >Earth being largely patriarchal makes it even worse. What sane society willingly tries to hobble itself by cutting down their core contributing members?
  1561. >If the few times you’ve been on the “internet” is any indicator, then the decades of abuse is going to backlash into an exodus of young, breeding age men, leaving many human nations sore.
  1562. >And you are NOT leaving until you can assure Equestria will have her prize in the form of the exodus.
  1563. >Ugh. What you wouldn't give for a stiff drink right now.
  1564. >In fact…
  1565. “Miss Richards? Why don't we call a recess? Perhaps we can come to an agreement after a rest.”
  1566. >Richards gives a long-suffering sigh and nods reluctantly after a delay.
  1567. >Tch, at this rate the princess is going to get involved…
  1568.  
  1569. >eventually, having received no support from Earth governments, Equestria greenlights their immigration program
  1570. >"Mares for Men", it's called
  1571. >go to the world embassy, and if everything checks out, you'll get a free session with their resident matchmaker
  1572. >a pony named Candyass, or something like that
  1573. >the next month or so goes by in a blur
  1574. >human governments try to shut it down by suppressing commercials and news about it
  1575. >doesn't work, word spreads across the internet in its usual chaotic way
  1576. >the US and the EU close their outgoing borders and make it illegal to renounce citizenship
  1577. >again, no dice, men are still leaving by the thousands whenever the navy or air force isn't looking
  1578. >the UN puts sanctions on Equestria, eventually going so far as to blockade pony ports
  1579. >a few dedicated unicorns are deployed underground in all major cities, offering free teleportation services to and from the Equestrian Embassy
  1580. >to find them, you just have to know the right people, i.e. /mlp/
  1581.  
  1582. >ywn get through the border, anxiously clutching ticket in hand, before meeting the love of your life after only two days in Equestria
  1583. >ywn find work at the most fulfilling job you've ever had, and find out that good work is the norm in horseland
  1584. >ywn keep an eye on the news from the other side of the portal as the thot menace is starved of its only source of power
  1585. >ywn watch as the loudest feminist talking heads go from smug, to belligerent, to desperate as the men they dismissed continue to disregard them and leave
  1586. >you will never share a hearty kek with your waifu as you read the top headline of the latest newspaper import: "Even Non-Bronies Applying for Equestrian Citizenship - at least 100,000 confirmed to have left Earth in wake of Mares-For-Men scandal"
  1587. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1588.  
  1589. https://pastebin.com/u7vtgfhh
  1590. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1591.  
  1592. https://pastebin.com/u/HeliAnon
  1593.  
  1594. >After several weeks of interviews and background checks you finally sat inside the building where you would finally learn the identity of the pony you got paired with.
  1595. >The hard part was over.
  1596. >Various checks making sure that you didn’t harbor any ulterior motives for wanting to emigrate to the pony world were done and you passed with flying colors.
  1597. >The cheery room with bright baby-blue walls had a calming effect as you sat patiently waiting for the individual that would let you know the results of the scan.
  1598. >The scan itself was painless, it consisted of holding a crystal that was hooked up to a bunch of wires which in turn were plugged into a large computer.
  1599. >Ultimately it was a crude combination of earth technology and pony magic.
  1600. >But it did its job very well with a 100% success rate according to the guys running it.
  1601. >Hearing the door to the room open you put on your best smile and made sure you were sitting up straight.
  1602. >Expecting a human to walk through the door you felt yourself slightly jump in surprise when a pony, quite tall one at that, walk through the door.
  1603. >Her light-pink coat looked like it was glowing in the light of the room, walking in she used some magic to pull the seat across from you away from the table so she could sit.
  1604. >”Hello Anon, you don’t mind if I call you Anon?”
  1605. >Swallowing your nervousness from your first interaction with a pony you used the remaining working brain cells to form an appropriate response.
  1606. “You’re a pony.”
  1607. >Whatever the pony was expecting your response to be that wasn’t it and it caused her to giggle lightly.
  1608. >”Why yes, yes I am. Oh, but how rude of me to not introduce myself, my name is Princess Cadence.”
  1609. >Wait… a princess? What the hell was a princess doing here?
  1610. >More giggles erupted from the princess as she took in your confused expression.
  1611. >”Judging by that look you seem perplexed as to why I’m here. Normally this process doesn’t require my personal attention, but yours is a very special case.”
  1612. >Oh dear god, she was going to tell you that you got rejected after all.
  1613. >Of course you would be the first human to be rejected after getting so far in the process.
  1614. >Or worse, that there wasn’t a pony out there for you.
  1615. >Your shoulders drooped as you felt whatever hope you had leave your body.
  1616. >So much for letting yourself think that maybe, just maybe, you could find some happiness out there.
  1617. >”Now the finding machine you touched before works very simply. You touch it and it compares your inner self against the database of mares in our world.”
  1618. >Head cast downward you did your best to nod in understanding.
  1619. >”But your results and match were brought to my attention due to the identity of your match.”
  1620. >So there was a match. Probably a cow or other sapient creature.
  1621. >”I’m sure you’re just as excited to learn her identity.”
  1622. “Utterly thrilled.”
  1623. >”Anonymous the human, as the Princess of Love I am happy to announce that you have been matched with Princess Luna.”
  1624. >Your head snapped up in an instant.
  1625. >Did she just say that—
  1626. >”Go pack your bags and be ready to leave tonight, Oh I cannot wait to see auntie’s face when I bring you to her.”
  1627. >Clapping her hooves together Cadence rocked side to side barely containing her joy.
  1628. >This had to be a dream.
  1629. >Your stomach was still doing flips after the journey through the portal to Equestria.
  1630. >Despite that however you were silently hoping that maybe this was just a big prank, weren’t ponies known for always playing these strange games?
  1631. >Your arrival at the large castle that sat overlooking the sprawling capital city of Canterlot was met with much fanfare.
  1632. >Crowds of ponies and humans lined the streets as the chariot being pulled by four adorable ponies trotted at a brisk pace.
  1633. >”I should have known that Auntie Celestia wouldn’t be able to keep this under wraps until we arrived.”
  1634. >Face still glued to the window you continued to stare at the crowds celebrating your arrival.
  1635. >You saw several humans holding the hooves of their mares, some even looked to be holding small foals.
  1636. “But why is this such a big deal? I mean it can’t be that uncommon anymore for a human to arrive to meet a pony.”
  1637. >Cadence who sat beside you in the carriage hummed thoughtfully.
  1638. >”I think they’re just excited that the Auntie Luna is finally going to have a special somepony.”
  1639. “You make it sound like she’s some sort of shut in.”
  1640. >Had you been looking at the pink princess you would have seen her looking slightly skittish at your statement.
  1641. >But your gaze was still stuck outside watching the ponies on the street.
  1642. >”Auntie Luna has had somewhat of a tough time adjusting to the times.”
  1643. >The carriage having cleared the streets of Canterlot now made its way through the large ornate gate that served as an entry point into the gardens surrounding the castle.
  1644. >Holy shit, you think there was some sort of creature in that maze over there, it definitely looked at you before ducking behind a hedge.
  1645. >The carriage continued down the cobbled path up to the castle.
  1646. >And there, waiting at the steps leading up to the castle you saw the pony that was in the news whenever the talk of ponies came up back on earth.
  1647. >Princess Celestia.
  1648. >”I must say you’re not exactly what I was expecting Mr. Anonymous.”
  1649. >Standing in front of the most powerful pony in Equestria and basically a goddess you felt like a tiny speck in a vast desert.
  1650. >Her eyes analyzed you, looking for what? You had no idea.
  1651. >Looking down at yourself you didn’t think you looked bad, after all you dressed in yourself in the nicest clothes you had.
  1652. >A clean pair of khakis and dress shirt.
  1653. >Sure, you might be a little under-dressed for the meeting, but it was the best you could do in the short amount you had been given before being whisked off to another world.
  1654. >Walking around you Celestia continued her examination, making “hmm’s” as she did and giving you small prods with the tip of her hoof.
  1655. >”When I first heard that her special somepony had been found in your world of all places I was overjoyed, but I began to wonder what he would be like.”
  1656. >You felt yourself start sweating as she continued to talk.
  1657. >”You must understand, my sister has had a challenging time since her return and despite my best efforts she still sometimes falls short of what would be considered ‘normal’ by today’s standards.”
  1658. “I don’t understand.”
  1659. >Realizing how she was acting with her examination of you, Celestia snapped out of the investigative trance she was in.
  1660. >”You’ll have to forgive me Anonymous, when it comes to matters with my sister I tend to be a little overprotective.”
  1661. >As Celestia said this, Cadence leaned towards you.
  1662. >”A little would be an understatement.” She said holding a hoof in order to hide her mirth.
  1663. >”I heard that.”
  1664. >Cadence batted her eyes in a completely innocent manner at her Aunt as if to say “I have no idea what you are talking.”
  1665. >”Now I’m sure you’re eager to meet her.”
  1666. >Turning towards the castle doors Celestia began walking with Cadence in tow.
  1667. >You stared at the two mares for a moment trying to make sense of what exactly just happened before catching up.
  1668. >In every fairy tale romance you ever heard of the meeting between the two people is a moment described as magical.
  1669. >A pair of eyes meeting for the first time.
  1670. >Reserved smiles.
  1671. >Butterflies in the stomach.
  1672. >The cheesiest cliché’s you can imagine.
  1673. >This however was definitely not one of those moments, in fact this was probably as far away as you could get from them.
  1674. >”I’m staying in here and there’s nothing you can do to change my mind.”
  1675. >Standing in front of a set of large wooden doors with engraved stars and a pair of crescent moons you couldn’t help but feel out of place.
  1676. >Flanking you on both sides stood Princess Celestia and Cadence.
  1677. >Both sporting looks that betrayed their frustration and disbelief at the current situation.
  1678. >”Auntie Luna please, at least meet him before you decide to stay in there until he leaves.” Cadence spoke through the locked doors.
  1679. >Cadence pleaded with the Princess of the Night in her most motherly and soothing tone she could muster.
  1680. >”Never! And you can’t make me.”
  1681. >Out of the corner of your eye you saw Celestia bring a hoof up to her temple and begin rubbing it in circles.
  1682. “Maybe we could come back later, she doesn’t seem all that keen on meeting me right now.”
  1683. >”Perhaps you’re right. I’ll show you to the room you’ll be staying in.”
  1684. >The events of the day had definitely taken a toll on you, you were ready to just fall in a nice bed and sleep.
  1685. >Following Celestia your mind raced.
  1686. >Did all the other humans that came here have this much trouble meeting the pony they were destined to be with?
  1687.  
  1688. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1689.  
  1690. >“So what is it you like about “humans”, Twilight?” asks Rarity, staring at you curiously as she pours a glass of wine. “It’s just so…confusing. Why, you are aware they aren’t real after all, aren’t you? That they aren’t even of the same species?”
  1691. >Be Twilight Sparkle.
  1692. >And yeah, you know humans aren’t real, and being forced to hear Rarity say so doesn’t make this fact any less painful.
  1693. >But still, you’d like to believe they were, somewhere…
  1694. >You shake your head.
  1695. >Focus, Twilight.
  1696. “Yeah, I know they’re not real. It’s weird.”
  1697. >“Well, that and you’re sexually attracted to them. That might also be categorized as ‘weird’ too,” says Rarity, “but why? What is it that’s so desirable?”
  1698. “I don’t know. It’s strange, even for me. It’s like, for some reason, they just scream ‘masculinity’ for some odd reason,” you explain. “They’re tall, they’re built, they have canines…”
  1699. >You sigh.
  1700. “They’re otherworldly, but look at them! Something about them is just pony enough to make them seem like the most stallionest of…well, anything! Yeah, they’re a different species, but look at how much they resemble us! And by Luna’s stars, the FINGERS.”
  1701. >“Fingers. Like that of a monkeys?”
  1702. >You nod.
  1703. “Yes. But even MORE dexterous. Just think of the things they can DO to you with those things…”
  1704. >You magically grab the wine bottle and top your glass off.
  1705. >Taking a sip, you appreciate the fruity flavor.
  1706. “Hh. Not bad. Where’d you get this from?”
  1707. >Rarity rolls her eyes at you.
  1708. >“Oh, a gift from a friend up in Manehattan. I kept the bottle around in my kitchen. I thought it looked nice.”
  1709. >As if Rarity’s kitchen could look anymore nice…
  1710. >While it wasn’t anything great or bedazzling like the rest of her boutique, it had a simple, homely charm to it.
  1711. >It was smaller than you’d expect it to be, and the colors were strangely darker than what one would usually think of, especially when taking into account of how Rarity favors the ‘bright and shiny’ approach to things.
  1712. >However, this was not present.
  1713. >Instead, the kitchen had storm gray walls that were almost a blue of sorts that were paired with dark mauve or cannon pink cabinets.
  1714. >The table you and Rarity sat at was nothing fantastic either; it was a simple table made of strong wood with green table cloth over it.
  1715. >Next to the table was a window with purple curtains, yet to be closed as so the moonlight culd shine through.
  1716. >You stare out through it, appreciating the nice stars.
  1717. >“Well,” resumes Rarity, “while I definitely do not judge you, I can’t say that I’m able to see where you are coming from.”
  1718. “I know…I just needed someone’s opinion on all of this. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I-I can’t even look at stallions the same way, Rarity. I see a stallion and I think: ‘no hands’. Now that I think about humans, stallions can’t even compete.”
  1719. >You stare Rarity dead in the eye.
  1720. “Do you know how long humans can last, Rarity?”
  1721. >She cocks a brow.
  1722. >“I-I’m afraid not, Twilight.”
  1723. “Five minutes. Five minutes for them to climax. And they can STILL go after that. For twenty minutes, if need be. Maybe forty! Forty minutes, Rarity. Imagine it: this mountainous, masculine creature with a handsome face, perfect features, grabbing you with his strong arms and powerful fingers by your hips, thrusting himself into you. You’d EXPLODE after three minutes, but he’d not even cum yet. He’d keep going and you’d cum again and again and again!”
  1724. >Rarity takes a sip of her wine, mumbling a “My word!” with cheeks of scarlet.
  1725. “And they’re strong, too. I believe that gravity is stronger where these “humans” come from. They can hunt, they can run, they can jump…”
  1726. >You wipe the sweat off your forehead.
  1727. “And they. Can. FUCK.”
  1728. >You down your glass of wine.
  1729. >The thoughts alone of a male human, bearing himself into you as he repeatedly deposits his essence to your womb causes your legs to tremble.
  1730. “And they don’t just put part of their long, thick cocks into you either like stallions. They put it all in. Imagine that. A whole cock sliding into you, not just a part of it that only manages a few thrust before gushing over your cheeks, but the whole thing.”
  1731. >“H-how long are they,” asks a flushed Rarity.
  1732. “Anywhere from five to nine inches,” you say. “And every inch goes inside you.”
  1733. >Rarity’s jaw drops.
  1734. >“I never thought these fictitious creatures from a kid show could be so…so…lewd!”
  1735. “Y-yeah…”
  1736. >“Twilight…Twilight, are you getting your, er, ‘juices’ on my chair?”
  1737. “...Yes.”
  1738. >“Oh heavens.”
  1739. “I’m sorry. It’s just...humans…they’re so incredible, Rarity. They’re fascinating. I can’t just /not/ think about them anymore — like I’m going crazy! I-I just….j-just…”
  1740. >You wiggle your rump within the seat, trying to cross your quivering legs.
  1741. >Your wings fan out.
  1742. “N-ngh~!”
  1743. >“Twilight! Twilight, don’t you dare!” says Rarity.
  1744. >She knows you’re about to cum.
  1745. >She’s trying to stop you, no doubt.
  1746. >Unfortunately, you know it’s too late for her to stop you.
  1747. >As you begin to shudder uncontrollably, you close your eyes and tense your abdomen, hips bucking in your seat.
  1748. >A sound, one too far beyond your natural range, seeks to escape you, but the pleasure overshadows it, and a silent wail is all that you manage with some groans.
  1749. >Your wings start flapping wildly as the groans soon turn into eager pants and you begin rubbing your eager sex against your seat, momentarily blinded by your obsessive lust.
  1750. >“Good heavens, Twilight, look at you! Have you gone mad!?” asks a shocked and embarrassed Rarity.
  1751. >You have gone mad — mad with arousal.
  1752. >As your winking clit gushes your juices, climax arrives in a powerful wave, sweeping you over like a gust of wind.
  1753. “OooooooaaaaaAAAAHHHHH!!!!”
  1754. >Orgasm takes you into its blissful state, enrapturing your body into absolute euphoria.
  1755. >Overwhelmed and overtaken in absolute heaven, you swear for a second you see a human, staring at you with a friendly smile, giving you a ‘thumbs up’ as they called it.
  1756. >You start to giggle incessantly, and resume so, slumping into Rarity’s chair as you are taken back into the real world.
  1757. >Your friend blinks at you, guffawed by your sudden lewdity.
  1758. >“Twilight…what was that?” asks she, face red.
  1759. >You wipe your brow, panting lazily.
  1760. >Your legs still twitch from the pleasure.
  1761. “I-I’m…suh-sorry, Rarity…” you say, exasperated, “but I got…too…whew…”
  1762. >With your magic, you proceed to grab your glass of wine and take a sip.
  1763. >Rarity however, pulls the glass away from your magical grip with her own.
  1764. >“Uh, I think you’ve had plenty enough wine for tonight, dear,” says Rarity with a nervous laugh.
  1765. >Not long after, post-orgasm clarity starts to return to you.
  1766. >You just made yourself cum.
  1767. >On Rarity’s chair,
  1768. >In front of Rarity.
  1769. “Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry!” you say, and quickly cover your face in your hooves. “I’m such an idiot! I can’t believe I just—”
  1770. >“There, there, Twilight…it’s, er, fine, I suppose. You just aren’t feeling quite well. Yes, that’s it. In fact,” says Rarity, a thought crawling across her mind, “maybe I have just the thing to help you.”
  1771. >At that, you peek your face out of your hooves.
  1772. “Y-you do?”
  1773. >“Why of course!” says Rarity, sipping her wine, “I believe I know what ails you as well!”
  1774. “What is it? Tell me, Rarity, what’s happening to me?” you ask, desperation in your voice.
  1775. >Rarity quickly peeks her head by the doorway, as if checking to see if anypony were present.
  1776. >Next, she begins closing the purple blinds to the window next to the kitchen table you both sit at.
  1777. >“Alright, Twilight…I believe I know what troubles you,” says Rarity, her voice a hushed whisper.
  1778. “You,” she says, pointing her hoof, “need a to relieve yourself in a more respectable manner.”
  1779. >Your cheeks feel like they’ve been scorched red, no doubt due to the wine and arousal.
  1780. “As in I need to masturbate more effectively or I /am/ masturbating to effectively?” you ask.
  1781. >Rarity grimaces.
  1782. >“Well, not exactly. Tell me, Twilight…do you, in fact, er…”
  1783. “Masturbate?”
  1784. >“Y-yes, that. Do you?”
  1785. >You sink into the chair a bit.
  1786. “Um, maybe a little.”
  1787. >Rarity raises a brow.
  1788. “Okay, e-every now and then.”
  1789. >“Twilight, don’t feel ashamed, I’m only trying to help you.”
  1790. >You sigh, averting her gaze.
  1791. “Okay. A lot. I clop a lot. I always have. I mean, it’s not like I get any action, you know? No one wanted to buck me, silly ol’ dorky Twilight. Being a princess is nice, though. If you like suitors. Which you shouldn’t.”
  1792. >“I see. So, then what?”
  1793. “So I clop! I always have. I clopped so much that I’ve become obsessed with the action itself!”
  1794. >Rarity nods thoughtfully.
  1795. >“Well, Twilight…I think I know what your problem is,” says Rarity. “You need to clop in a more healthy manner. Try to refine your moments of relief, darling. You shouldn’t just sit there, alone with your books and pleasure yourself in such a lonely, unhealthy manner. Try to spice it up a bit. Expand your horizons! Go to one of ‘those’ shops and buy something. Change your routine a little. You simply must learn how to manage yourself in these things if you plan to ‘save’ yourself.”
  1796. >You seriously consider her advice, but nevertheless, doubt creeps into your mind.
  1797. “I don’t know, Rarity…maybe that’s a bit much.”
  1798. >“Twilight, climaxing on my chair was a bit much. This is management for your arousal. You can either face it like a mare and embrace it in a healthy manner, or continue to let it burden you like you’ve let it. Imagine fantasizing about your glorious humans whilst experimenting with a new toy, hm?”
  1799. >You blush with a timid laugh.
  1800. “Now there’s a thought,” you say.
  1801. >“I believe it’s fine that you are so enveloped in these humans. It’s weird, yes, but it’s not harmful — unless you make it.”
  1802. >Then, a thought hits her.
  1803. >“Actually, let me tell you about this one shop in town that is simply incredible with matters such as these…”
  1804.  
  1805.  
  1806. >The next day, you bought almost one of everything in the adult store Rarity told you about.
  1807. >You thought of humans the whole time.
  1808. >Thank god Spike was out of town.
  1809.  
  1810.  
  1811. The end for real now.
  1812. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1813.  
  1814. "What do you mean 'he went for a full minute'?" you say to Rarity and the the other girls sat on their cushions
  1815. >Rarity blushed before taking a sip of her wine glass
  1816. >they're all drinking some sweet wine or cider in Applejacks case, enjoying a grown-ups night with dirty stories and alcohol
  1817. >you where invited having become best friends with the girls
  1818. >also because they wanted to know of dirty human stories
  1819. >girls will be girls
  1820. >"Well," rarity continued "my first time was with this skinny but very stylish unicorn from Canterlot, he was experienced and used his magic to... stop himself, so to speak and with that he treated me to a full minute of passion I'll never forget!"
  1821. >Applejack nodded smiling at the thought.
  1822. >rainbow dash was laughing with pinkie probably at their own jokes.
  1823. >Twilight scooted over to Rarity
  1824. >"That must have been so romantic." she said with dreamy eyes
  1825. "Wait wait wait, hold the phone," you say confused "you mean a MINUTE, one whole minute, like... 60 seconds... of sex."
  1826. >"Well, yes i know it's hard to believe." rarity said
  1827. >"you did say magic was involved to be completely fair." twilight pointed out
  1828. >"oh, twilight with how he handled me i bet he could have done 30 seconds easily." they giggled
  1829. >you sit there wondering what to do with this new information
  1830. >you're no Chad Thundercock by any means but you have experiance with the female anatomy and you know for damn sure you can last for more than 10 minutes
  1831. >you must be some kind of sexual god to these ponies
  1832. >the thought of fucking one of the girls till she is nothing more than an barely conscious sex filled ragged mess is almost too much.
  1833. >more research is required.
  1834. >especially on what positions they favor
  1835. >you grab another bottle of wine.
  1836. >you excuse yourself and head to the kitchen of twilight's castle home
  1837. >grabbing a bottle of wine you start to think
  1838. >Rarity had a night she'd never forget from some loser who couldn't even last longer than 30 seconds
  1839. >you actually feel kind of sorry for her
  1840. >on the other hand, hoof. that's just their biology nature dictates they can't last longer.
  1841. >and maybe animals that last longer would look down on humans.
  1842. >oh well, enough armchair psychology time to get lewd
  1843. >you head back in, the girls are still talking about boyfriends they have had (and want)
  1844. "So, Rarity, was it romantic did he treat you right. take you to dinner, walk you home," you top up her glass "that sort of thing?"
  1845. >"complete gentlecolt, from start to finish but i was so young we tried dating long term but we never clicked, a shame really." she says drinking some more
  1846. "What about you Twilight, any romance stories to share?"
  1847. >she laughs
  1848. >"I never left my study to even make friends, let alone coltfriends, the only time i ever saw a good looking colt was when i looking through my telescope!" she said embarrassed
  1849. >Rarity playfully shoved her side
  1850. >"Oh you devilish mare, since when did you have a naughty side and why are we only now finding out!"
  1851. "seems twilight is the kind of girl who watches through the windows."
  1852. >"W.. WHAT NO don't be silly, i never meant it like that!" she laughed
  1853. "oh and to think," you add playfully "I never close my curtains, maybe you caught a sight of me a few times hey Twilight!"
  1854. >"ANON!" she yelled
  1855. "If you wanted to see my body, all you had to do was ask Twilight." you tease by slowly lifting up your shirt just slightly.
  1856. >Twilight is in full sperg-mode
  1857. "Want me to keep going, Twi?"
  1858. >Rainbow dash, pinkie pie and applejack all yell "YES!" obviously enjoying Twilight's awkwardness.
  1859. "You always said you wanted to learn about human bodies, Twi, let me educate you."
  1860. >"All right that's enough Anon." Rarity said with a smile
  1861. >Twilight is bright red hiding behind her glass.
  1862. >applejack downs her cider
  1863. >"you could tell us about humans though, yah never told us what's it's like for ya'll, do your mares have those.. erm what's it called... Rarity help me out 'ere, you the fella acts all fancy like."
  1864. >"You mean courtship rituals darling?"
  1865. >"Tha's the one!"
  1866. >it begins
  1867. "Plenty, just meeting a decent girl is a dance in of it'self," pinkie raises a hoof "not literally pinkie."
  1868. >her hoof goes down
  1869. >a good story should get them interested, and decide you need to elaborate some details
  1870. >just a bit after all, no good story is without it.
  1871. >a tiny bit though, you want something better than you last girlfriend which was just 'you meet in a club, you went home with her and and had 20 mins of drunken sex and becoming her boyfriend for a couple of months
  1872. "Take my last girlfriend for instance. we met a while back in a.. park she was this sexy girl with long hair and slender body who wore this beautiful dress
  1873. >or you know, just complete outright lying.
  1874. "Anyway, we started dating, we went out and fooled around a few time, made out in the movie, that sort of thing."
  1875. >the girls listened with rapt attention, even fluttershy who had remained quiet this whole night.
  1876. "then one day she invites me over to her place, her parents are out and we got the place to ourselves."
  1877. >"So, TELL US!" rainbow dash said.
  1878. >the girls nodded in agreement
  1879. "well the first thing you need to know, as i'm sure you've already guessed is that our biology, the way we work is different to you girls. we have all the same bits, sans horns and wings obviously but all the rest is the same it's just our bodies last a lot longer."
  1880. >the girls looked excited
  1881. "We guys don't last 30 seconds, we can fuck for an hour."
  1882. >Rarity's wine glass dropped from her magical grip
  1883. "and the whole thing, from start to finish can be up to 3 hours long in some cases."
  1884. >"w..what!" Pinkie said
  1885. "Even better is that humans only need to break for about ten minutes or so and we can go again for EVEN longer."
  1886. >their faces are priceless
  1887. >Twilight looks on the verge of hyperventilating
  1888. >Applejack is just eying you up and down
  1889. >Rainbow dash is dreamy eyed in fantasy land
  1890. >Pinkie looks ready to pounce you (but to be fair that's Pinkie normally)
  1891. >Fluttershy looks confused
  1892. >and Rarity is looking at you with a hunger
  1893. "So yeah, for humans sex usually starts with foreplay, we strip each others cloths off, and get ourselves excited using... well you know, hands, mouth... maybe a bit of biting here and there."
  1894. "Some times we finish just from the foreplay, without even getting to the best parts and that can usually last about 10 minutes depending on wether or not both people are ready to actually fuck."
  1895. >silence form the girls
  1896. >Twilight mutters something under her breath
  1897. >sounded like 'go on'
  1898. >who are you to deny these girls their stories.
  1899. "So anyway, we start fooling around on her bed, i'm biting he ear softly, rubbing her breasts with one hand and fingering her with the other."
  1900. >in reality what really happened is you only remember drunkenly fucking her, before shouting something about releasing the kraken and being sick in her bathroom
  1901. >your story will have none of that.
  1902. "She came so we started having proper sex, and we did it for just a little less than an hour, before we moved to the shower and started fucking again there."
  1903. "great thing about shower sex is that the clean up is so much easier." you finished and drank some more of the wine
  1904. "so yeah, that was my last girlfriend before all this, and that's mostly how humans do things."
  1905. >the girls looked jealousy but tried not to show it
  1906. >rarity looked rather sad.
  1907. >Pinkie was the first to speak
  1908. >"Well, i't's getting late, think i might go home now, gots lots to dos. haha.. ha.. ha."
  1909. >she walked out with her hind legs shaking slowly with each step
  1910. >Y.. yeah me too." Rainbow added before flying off
  1911. >the others stay.
  1912. >Applejack sits next to you
  1913. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1914.  
  1915. “Wait. Hold up,” you say, giving Applejack a look of confusion, “did you say one whole minute?”
  1916. >The orange mare proudly chuckled, crossing her legs in your rocking chair with a wry smile.
  1917. >“Eyup,” she says, tipping her stetson, “a full minute of pure buckin’ and ruttin’!”
  1918. >“By Celestia’s Sun, that’s incredible,” says an impressed Twilight Sparkle. “And this was just a regular colt?”
  1919. >“Oh, he wuddn’t no colt. He was pure stallion.”
  1920. >“Ha! Yeah, I’m calling ponyfeathers on that,” laughs a voice from the side of the room.
  1921. >All eyes shift to see Rainbow Dash, lying in a chair of yours like it were a poorman’s bed, lounging in the thing like a cat.
  1922. >“I mean, come /on/, Aj; you don’t seriously expect me to believe that you had a whole minute of sex with somepony, do you? Most dudes can barely even make it to four thrusts, let alone ten seconds.”
  1923. >“Yeah, and they almost never get they’re whole silly-willies inside!” says Pinkie, sitting on your couch.
  1924. >“Okay, well, I’ll admit that he didn’t get it all the way inside, but he went on fer a whole minute,” says Applejack. “I was practically speakin’ in tongues by the time we was done!”
  1925. “Huh. Uh, neat,” you say, and hold your kettle of tea near Rarity’s cup. “More tea?”
  1926. >“Yes, please,” she says, and she contributes to conversation as you begin to pour.
  1927. >“I’ve personally had experiences with stallions that go on for, say, thirty seconds,” says she, speaking with a bit of class despite being on such a ‘dirty’ topic. “It’s not often, but I believe it.”
  1928. >You finish pouring her tea and raise the kettle for all to see.
  1929. “Anyone else need more tea?”
  1930. >Your living room answers with collective murmurs of ‘no thank you’ or ‘I’m good, Anon’ and so on.
  1931. “Alright. Let me know if you guys do,” you say, and place the kettle back atop the table, finally able to sip your own tea.
  1932. >As you do, you notice the room becomes silent, suddenly.
  1933. >Lifting your eyes from your teacup, you see all of your guests staring at you.
  1934. “…What?”
  1935. >At that, they all avert their eyes from your gaze, clearing their throats and the like.
  1936. >Awkward.
  1937. >The mares continue to talk, starting with Pinkie, unsurprisingly, picking the conversation back up.
  1938. >“So what’s the longest /you/ ever had, Dashie?” she asks.
  1939. >Immediately, the pegasus’s sky-blue cheeks turn wine-red.
  1940. >“What? Y-you mean…me?” stammered she.
  1941. >“Yuh-huh! C’mon, tell us!” urges Pinkie.
  1942. >Rainbow, however, grimaces.
  1943. >“I-I’d rather not,” she says nervously. “Why don’t you go first, Pinkie?”
  1944. >“Hm…okay! The longest I’ve ever had a stallion rut me was for…umm…ummmmm…”
  1945. >Finally, with a snap of her hooves (how the fuck?), she recalls the time it took.
  1946. >“Oh, yeah! About fourteen seconds!” she says, then laughs. “He was really funny. What about you, Twilight?”
  1947. >“Five seconds,” she says, recoiling into her mane with a cute, rosy-cheeked smile. “It was really, really awkward. Usually I just, uh, clop instead…”
  1948. >She looks down to have a sip of tea only to find her cup empty.
  1949. >“Um, more tea, please, Anon,” she says politely.
  1950. “I gotcha,” you say.
  1951. >You get up and pour the warm liquid into her cup.
  1952. >With a tiny thank you, you give her a smile and a nod, then wonder back.
  1953. >That’s when the others go quiet again, staring at you.
  1954. >You sigh.
  1955. “Ok, what is it? This is the second time you guys just stared at me. Something wrong?”
  1956. >They all blush, looking at each other.
  1957. >Through silent agreement and careful eye contact, it is decided that Applejack speaks up.
  1958. >“Nothin’s wrong, sugarcube, iust…well, ya seem awful quiet on the subject is all. We aren’t makin’ ya feel left out, are we?” asks she. “Usually ya add a little more to our talks when we gather at yer place fer tea.”
  1959. “Yeah,” chirps Pinkie, “what do YOU think, Nonny-non?”
  1960. >You sigh.
  1961. “Let’s just say I have a hard time relating with your stallions,” you say. “You know, different species and all that.”
  1962. >It’s then that Twilight gasps.
  1963. >“Oh…oh, I think I understand now,” she says.
  1964. >Guilt starts to cloud over her face.
  1965. >“I’m sorry, I-I should have guessed that, well, since your from apes, and, um…L-let’s talk about something else, girls.”
  1966. “What? No, no, finish that sentence, Twi. What were you gonna say?”
  1967. >She looks at the other ponies around the room, nervous for your sake.
  1968. >“Are you sure you want to them to hear it?” she asks.
  1969. >You nod.
  1970. “Yeah, so I know we’re on the same page.”
  1971. >She sighs.
  1972. >“Well, I thought that maybe we were making you feel less, um, masculine because, since you’re of a different species, you can’t last as long as a, er…stallion.”
  1973. >You stare at Twilight.
  1974. >She, out of nervousness, begins to babble on more.
  1975. >“Y-you know, because apes generally tend to have smaller genitals and last for a short amount of time! And, um, hearing us talk about stallions must make you feel really insecure, and, um….yeah.”
  1976. >The other mares look at Twilight, then guiltily look at you.
  1977. >“Oh. So we were…ouch, Anon. Sorry,” says Rainbow. “Didn’t know we were making fun of you.”
  1978. >“Yeah, me too,” says Applejack. “I shoulda just kept my mouth shut.”
  1979. >What is going on.
  1980. >“Er, don’t worry, Anon! It’s normal for some stallions, too!” says Rarity. “It doesn’t make you any less of a male.”
  1981. >Eventually, the whole room breaks out into apologizing.
  1982. >You sigh.
  1983. “Ok, I’ma stop you all right now, cause you’re all sorts of wrong,” you say, silencing the room. “Trust me, I’m NOT jealous of your stallions, ok?”
  1984. >“What? What do you mean?” asks Twilight.
  1985. >With a sigh, you shake your head.
  1986. “Look, um, you have it all wrong about humans if you think we don’t last long, alright. We last waaay longer than other primates. Hell, than most animals at all, to be honest.”
  1987. >“Ooooh, like how much longer?” asks Pinkie, a playful tone of intrigue in her voice.
  1988. “I don’t know, usually last about, oh…twenty minutes?”
  1989. >Suddenly, you cringe at the sound of five tea cups shattering all at once, all dropped.
  1990. >The room enters a deep silence.
  1991. >You fill it by further explaining yourself.
  1992. “Well, sometimes. Each human lasts differently. But yeah, humans are very picky with their mates. We love sex. And we’re the most hung of primates, too. Our dicks grow up anywhere from about five to eight inches on average with varying girths.”
  1993. >“But that’s how long a stallion is!” says a heated Rarity, fanning herself.
  1994. >“C-can you get it inside, usually? M-most quadrupeds usually struggle getting their entire member i-inside of females,” stammers Rainbow Dash.
  1995. >You nod.
  1996. “Yeah. I get my whole dick inside.”
  1997. >“Holy canoli!” exclaims Pinkie.
  1998. >“This is…this is very interesting,” says Twilight. “We should look into this, Anon. D-do you know how long the typical mare lasts?”
  1999. >He shrugs.
  2000. “I don’t think so, no.”
  2001. >“I last about two minutes,” says Twilight. “And I’m very, very sensitive. That’s just when I’m clopping alone.”
  2002. >“Three minutes for me,” says Applejack, “It’s rare I find me somepony that makes me cum.”
  2003. >“And I, too, last two minutes,” mentions Rarity.
  2004. >“One and half!” says Pinkie.
  2005. >Finally, all turn to Rainbow Dash.
  2006. >She sinks into her chair.
  2007. >“T-twenty seconds,” she murmurs.
  2008. >You blink for a moment at her.
  2009. “Whew, lad.”
  2010. >Rarity bats her lashes.
  2011. >“So, tell me this, Anon,” she says, “have you had any sexual escapades whilst spending time here in Equestria?”
  2012. >Your forehead slickens with sweat.
  2013. “I, uh…”
  2014. >“Is it a yes” she says, trying to push the words out of your mouth, “or a no, Anon?”
  2015. >You shift your eyes away from the girls, staring down at the floor.
  2016. “No. No I haven’t.”
  2017. >“Aww, poor Nonners!” says Pinkie. “I’ll buck with you if you want!”
  2018. >Just the way she says that…like it’s so normal…
  2019. >Weird.
  2020. >But still…
  2021. “Really? Just like that? Y-you don’t give yourself away to guys that easily, do ya?”
  2022. >Pinkie flais her hoof, blowing raspberries.
  2023. >“Psh! ‘Course not! I just like you, Anon!” she says happily, “and if I think you’re great, and I want sex, and you want sex, and it’ll be good sex...then let’s buck!”
  2024. >You blink in surprise.
  2025. “Well. That sounds awesome.”
  2026. >“Hey! W-what about me?” asks Rainbow. “I’m down to fuck, too!”
  2027. >“And, um, if you want to see me,” says Twilight Sparkle, blushing, “I’ll be happy to have you over. You know. For anything.”
  2028. >“And the same goes for moi, dear Anonymous,” says Rarity. “You’re welcome to my boutique any time.”
  2029. >You look at Applejack, expecting her to say something similar.
  2030. >Instead, she winks with a grin.
  2031. “Hope ya like ropes.”
  2032. >You look at all the mares before you, staring at your bod as if it were candy.
  2033. “This is…this is new…”
  2034. >Then, you realize something…
  2035. “Hey, Fluttershy? How come you haven’t said anything? You down to fuck?”
  2036. >The whole room looks over the Fluttershy.
  2037. >She’s in a chair, curled in a ball, face redder than the blood spilling down from her nose.
  2038. >Then, with a ‘meep’, she turns pale and faints out of the chair like a sack of potatoes.
  2039. >“Gosh,” says Dash, “what buckin’ prude.”
  2040.  
  2041. The End
  2042. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  2043.  
  2044. Pred/prey play, struggle sex, and purposeful impregnation are the most patrician of fetishes. Prove me wrong.
  2045. >Protip: You can't.
  2046.  
  2047. >You have Dash on her back as she struggles and flails, trying to free herself even while you hold her down and rail her.
  2048. >She over extends one hindleg, letting you wrap your leg around it and keeping her spread.
  2049. >Now you can penetrate as deep as you want.
  2050. >You lean down and lightly bite her neck, making the mare go still. You can still feel her exhilaration through the rapid heart beat of her jugular.
  2051. >Dash lets out an uncharacteristic whimper and lightly squirms as you roughly mate her, but she stays put.
  2052. >Good.
  2053. >You push all the ways in just as you blow, forming a seal with the petite mare's cervix.
  2054. >She nearly screams in a mindblowing orgasm as her womb is directly filled.
  2055. >And that's how you conceived your first foal out of season.
  2056.  
  2057. YES
  2058. >You are Celestia, Princess of Equestria, Mare of the Sun, and a paragon of the pony race.
  2059. >And you are pinned to your bed, being abused from behind by a predator.
  2060. >You yelp as he thrusts and hits just right.
  2061. >Comon, you can stave off your next orgasm a bit longer.
  2062. >The carnal sounds of flesh on flesh and the squeaking bed almost hypnotically rhythmic, giving you something to focus on other than the fire in your body,
  2063. >You're sore.
  2064. >Tired.
  2065. >Dirty.
  2066. >But by the goddess, you will NOT give in until he's sated.
  2067. >One of his arms shift, moving from your ruffled wing to roughly grab the scruff of your neck.
  2068. >S-stave it off..!
  2069. >He wasn't like a meek stallion. No, not at all. His attitude, stance, voice, all screamed "Challenge me at your own peril."
  2070. >That is what attracted you to him.
  2071. >It became easy to defer to him. He took charge of any situation you let him.
  2072. >It felt... Good. Natural, even.
  2073. >Did you ever think it would end up here? No, but you're happy it did.
  2074. >His arms snake around your front, one around your chest for leverage, and another up towards your face, where his hand firmly grips your jaw.
  2075. >A gasp escapes you. You know what would happen to you if he bothered to squeeze.
  2076. >The sharp sensation of teeth against your neck sends a thrill of terror through your body.
  2077. >Your legs buck, but go nowhere.
  2078. >You're still pinned thoroughly.
  2079. >A whimper escapes your lips as the fear brings you back to lucidity for a scant few seconds.
  2080. >Then, it's back to a blissful, writhing haze.
  2081. >He pants against your neck, movements becoming jerky and quick.
  2082. >You know what's next.
  2083. >He hilts, your hips meeting his with in a final, violent clash.
  2084. >Your perfect, millennia old alicorn body was about to find a new purpose.
  2085. >It would house the offspring of a carnivore.
  2086. >It would nourish that offspring.
  2087. >It would bring that offspring into the world.
  2088. >You, prey, are going to mother a predator
  2089. >Molten heat pours into your womb.
  2090. >Your ecstasy shakes the windows.
  2091. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  2092.  
  2093. >"What about Anon? He's a suitable bachelor."
  2094. >"I'm sorry, Twilight. I'm just looking to start a family and I can't do it with someone so biologically different."
  2095. >"His biology really doesn't matter."
  2096. >"Of course it does! How are we supposed to have children? We're two different species!"
  2097. >"Actually, I ran tests on him when he first arrived to Ponyville. He's capable of siring offspring with a pony."
  2098. >"What."
  2099. >"I know, it's weird considering he's from a different dimension and all and from what he's told me, it's not something humans are capable of back on Earth, but here it's possible!"
  2100. >Cheerilee's eye twitches as she realizes all this time she's been turning away Anon's advances when he's exactly what she's been looking for
  2101. >And now overhearing Twilight's data on the human, it seems every other baby hungry mare in Ponyville is suddenly eyeing him with renewed interest
  2102. >Buck
  2103.  
  2104. >You are Anonymous
  2105. >And suddenly you feel like the most interesting thing in town... well, you already were - you mean in comparison to everything else weird around here
  2106. >Point is you seem to have found yourself surrounded by a bunch of flirtatious mares that are hardly being subtle about it
  2107. >In fact you feel one grabbing your ass right now
  2108. >Is this that estrus thing you read about horses having?
  2109. >Are these horses? Do they even have an estrus? You don't know. It was always awkward talking about this shit with Twilight!
  2110. >You think one of them just invited you for netflix and chill
  2111. >You didn't even know they had netflix here
  2112. >A saving grace in the form of Rainbow Dash lands before you
  2113. >"Yo Anon! What'cha doin' hanging out with all these old hags?"
  2114. >Typical crude, shit talking rainbro
  2115. >She seems to have earned death glares from the entire crowd with that statement
  2116. >You however just raise an eyebrow in confusion
  2117. "I uh, didn't even notice an age difference. You all look adorable to me."
  2118. >This draws a murmur of awws and giggles from the mares
  2119. >Oh shit, were you being smooth just then?
  2120. >There are so many things you don't know
  2121. >They say ignorance is bliss but it can be frightening sometimes
  2122. >"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, you still up for Friday night?"
  2123. >The pleased murmurs turn to ones of disapproval
  2124. >Tiny blue wingpony, help a brother out, will ya?
  2125.  
  2126. >You are now Cheerilee
  2127. >And you are currently pushing your way through the crowd of middle-aged mares
  2128. >Don't associate girl, y-you've still got a few years before wizardhood kicks in!
  2129. >Breaking your way to the front, you arrive just in time to hear Rainbow ask Anon out on a potential date
  2130. >Celestia damned fillies with their tight, fit young bodies...
  2131. >They have the pick of the litter, leave the average and willing ones to the older mares!
  2132. >Calm down Cheers, that sounds like jealously and only desperate mares get jealous
  2133. >...oh Celestia you're so desperate
  2134. >Time to speak up before your catch gets away
  2135. "A-Actually, Anon, I was wondering if you still wanted to go to that movie you invited me to earlier."
  2136. >That earns you the ire of the crowd now turned away from Rainbow Dash
  2137. >Shaky knees, don't fail you now
  2138. >He turns to look at you, surprised
  2139. >"Oh, uh, I mean- I kind of already made other plans since you turned me down."
  2140. >And what a fool you were
  2141. "Um, I actually seem to have found time in my busy schedule. B-But I mean if you already have plans..."
  2142. >He looks conflicted
  2143. >Good, maybe you still have a chance
  2144. >"Well, it's not like I can't just invite you along with Rainbow and me."
  2145. >Oh no, this is not what you wanted
  2146. >There's nothing worse than being the third wheel
  2147. >A burnt out, tired old wheel
  2148. >"What? No way!"
  2149. >RD decides to voice her objections
  2150. >"Huh? Why not?"
  2151. >"She's a teacher, Anon! Boring old school spinster. I doubt she'd know how to have a good time if it came up and bit her on her fat old flank!"
  2152. >Well, that would ruffle your feathers if you had any
  2153. >Sure, you've locked yourself away inside a school house for all these years, but you still remember how to party
  2154. >Bell bottoms are still in style, right?
  2155. >And your flank is not fat!
  2156. >...Maybe you should lay off of those Hosstess cupcakes
  2157. "Now hold on a moment, I know how to hang loose. I'm no downer, dig?"
  2158. >You hear a few snorts from the slowly dispersing crowd
  2159. >What? That's how the kids talk, isn't it?
  2160. >Rainbow just rolls her eyes
  2161. >"See, even her lingo is like, a century out of date! I doubt she can even keep up with our drinking."
  2162. >"Come on RD, it can't be that bad. Besides, I've seen her knock back a couple after work."
  2163. >Oh dear, he's seen you like that?
  2164. >Not good, you're belligerent and a sobber
  2165. >Please don't think too poorly of you
  2166. >"Whatever Anon. If you want to hang out with this killjoy, count me out!"
  2167. >With that she takes to the skies, leaving you and Anon all alone
  2168. >Looks like the others gave up when they realized there was actual competition already in play
  2169. >"Well then. Guess my schedule is clear again. Friday night?"
  2170. >Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
  2171. >Okay, calm down Cheers, don't let him in on your desperation
  2172. "Sounds great!"
  2173. >You nearly shout that at him
  2174. >N-Nailed it
  2175. >"Alright, it's a date."
  2176. >YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
  2177. >"Ahem, uh, I mean-"
  2178. "I know what you mean, it's fine."
  2179. >"Catch you later then!"
  2180. >Yes
  2181. >Yes yes yes yes yes YES!
  2182. >Girl, you are so going to put the moves on that stallion!
  2183. >Well
  2184. >Maybe after you get a few pointers on how not to be an uncool old spinster in front of him
  2185. >Which means taking pointers from cousin Berry
  2186. >Hundreds of coltfriends and that mare can't hold onto a stallion to save her life
  2187. >Already you can feel the headache coming on
  2188. >Get it together girl, you've got a date to prepare for!
  2189. >F-Five nights away
  2190. >...
  2191. >You need a drink
  2192. >Ding dong
  2193. >The door swings open to reveal a pink and purple pony
  2194. >Who gives you a dopey grin
  2195. >"Cousin!"
  2196. "Berry. May I come in?"
  2197. >"Sure, sure. Make yourself at home. Drink?"
  2198. "No no, I'm good."
  2199. >She sticks her head out of the kitchen and gives you the 'oh really?' face
  2200. "M-Maybe just a glass."
  2201. >She grins and after a moment heads out with a bottle of wine and two glasses
  2202. >Taking a moment to uncork the bottle and pour the drinks, she slides yours over to you before reclining back into her sofa
  2203. >"Sooo~ what brings you to my humble abode?"
  2204. >Humble, right
  2205. >Just beyond the living room is what looks like the entrance to a winery
  2206. "Well, I was hoping... th-that is, I wanted to ask- oh dear, how do I go about this? I need some advice."
  2207. >A slight tinge darkens your cheeks
  2208. >Berry lets show what she refers to as a 'shit-eating' grin, such a nasty phrase
  2209. >"It's about stallions, isn't it?" she waggles her eyebrows
  2210. "Am I that obvious?"
  2211. >"Honey, I could smell the baby desperation on you for the last two weeks."
  2212. >That long?
  2213. >What, have you just been walking around with a raised tail and a neon sign on your backside?
  2214. >"Heck, you've been walking around with a raised tail and what might as well be a neon sign on your backside."
  2215. >What fresh hell is this?
  2216. >Bottoms up
  2217. >She just watches you in amusement as you place the glass down
  2218. "Another, please."
  2219. >A hearty laugh follows the gentle glug of wine
  2220. >"So, you've come to old Berry, huh? Looking to bag a quick one? Because I know this great club not far from here-"
  2221. "No! Er, no, thank you. I already have a date planned out."
  2222. >Planned, you say
  2223. >It was just supposed to be a movie, maybe dinner, but you figured you'd sway it in your favor
  2224. >"Oho? Well good on ya! So what's the matter?"
  2225. "It's um, been a while since I've been on the dating scene. I'm a little rusty."
  2226. >She snorts
  2227. >"You can say that again. You didn't try to impress him with any of that 'hip' lingo you try to use with the foals, did you?"
  2228. >You groan
  2229. >"Oh shit, it's worse than I thought. Alright, listen to me: Don't drink, don't dance, and whatever you do, don't drink and dance. I've seen the way princess Twilight dances when she's sober, you're like a million times worse."
  2230. "Oh come on, it's not that bad!"
  2231. >"Sista, this ain't the shakin' neighties, those kind of dance moves make you look more like an epileptic than a fresh young 'thang'."
  2232. >Wincing at that, you groan again
  2233. >"Don't worry, I'll help you out. So when's the date?"
  2234. "Day after tomorrow."
  2235. >"Not a lot of time, so we'll stick to the basics for now."
  2236.  
  2237. >A few hours later
  2238. >You're relaxing with your head in Berry's lap as she brushes your mane
  2239. "And he's got a good sense of humor-"
  2240. >"And he's human."
  2241. "And he's good with kids-"
  2242. >"Aaand he's human."
  2243. >You scrunch your muzzle in frustration
  2244. "What's wrong with that?"
  2245. >She raises a disbelieving eyebrow
  2246. >"I thought this whole thing was about having children of your own."
  2247. "It is! We're compatible!"
  2248. >The other eyebrow joins its sibling
  2249. "We are!"
  2250. >"I'm not saying anything. So then."
  2251. >She stops the brush and gives you a hard stare
  2252. >"You've been denying this colt's advances for how long and suddenly you're interested now that you know he can plow your fields?"
  2253. >A sigh escapes her as you avert your eyes
  2254. >"How serious about this are you really?"
  2255. "I mean, I do like him, I've just hesitated all this time because-"
  2256. >"Because you thought he couldn't give you what you wanted. Listen Cheers, I'm not gonna talk you down from this, but one of the first things that can make or break a relationship is honesty."
  2257. >You give her a skeptical look
  2258. >"Do as I say, not as I do. If you intend for this to go past the first date, you really don't want it all based on a lie that you suddenly fell for him. If the truth comes out, one of the worst feelings someone can have is that of being used."
  2259. >She sighs and looks wistfully out the door
  2260. >Berry had a daughter of her own
  2261. >Pinchy was a beautiful young filly with an impressive mind and a thirst for knowledge
  2262. >It's amazing how Berry has managed to raise her so well by her lonesome
  2263. "Do you ever regret it?"
  2264. >"Pinchy? No, not on my life. Her father though..."
  2265. >She smiles tiredly
  2266. >"If I could go back and change a few unpleasant things about myself, it would the parts of me that inevitably ended our marriage."
  2267. >You pat her withers comfortingly
  2268. >"I'd love to give her the father she needs, but I'd make the same mistakes a hundred times over just to have her by my side."
  2269. >You smile absently and pat your belly
  2270. >It sounds so nice
  2271. >You've made up your mind
  2272. >Even if you have to see this through to Tartarus and back you'll make it work out somehow
  2273. "Thanks."
  2274. >"Hey, no problem. You're always using that teacher's wit to put my shit back in perspective, what kind of family would I be if I didn't do the same for you?"
  2275. >The two of you share a giggle
  2276. >"More wine?"
  2277. >You take a look at the foot of the bed, three empty bottles strewn about the floor
  2278. "I think I'll stick to feeling good rather than stay the night because I tried getting into a fight with your refrigerator again."
  2279. >She winces as she recalls the memory
  2280. >That thing was heavy and it fell heavy
  2281. >"Fair enough."
  2282.  
  2283. >Dawn of the final hour
  2284. >You are a nervous wreck
  2285. >Your mane is done up nicely, you're wearing a simple yet elegant evening dress and you've put on some light makeup
  2286. "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear."
  2287. >"Relaaaax, you've got this!"
  2288. "But what if I'm overdressed? What if he's expecting some fun night out at a pizza parlor or a bar or-"
  2289. >Berry places a hoof on your side
  2290. >"Cheers. Cheers look at me. You need to calm down."
  2291. >Alright, breathe, breeeeathe
  2292. >That's hyperventilating
  2293. >This isn't going to work!
  2294. >You feel your cheeks touch each other as a sting pulls you to your senses
  2295. "Did- Did you just slap me?"
  2296. >"Heh, I always wanted to do that once."
  2297. "This isn't some movie! This is my life!"
  2298. >Berry fixes you with a hard stare you near wilt under
  2299. >"A first date, your life. Really?"
  2300. >You shrink into yourself further
  2301. >"Really?"
  2302. >You whine
  2303. >"Ugh, you really need to get out more. This is just embarrassing."
  2304. >Ding dong
  2305. >The death bell tolls!
  2306. >"That's him, he's here! Quickly, pull yourself together!"
  2307. >You want to hide under your bed
  2308. >She pushes you to the door
  2309. >"Now remember, just be yourself!"
  2310. >Being yourself is usually you playing Jenga all alone at two in the morning with a good bottle of merlot at your side before passing out into the tower of bricks
  2311. >You're anything but yourself right now!
  2312. >"Okay, maybe not so much yourself he can smell the shame, but close."
  2313. >Not helping!
  2314. >With a final deep but shaky breath, you answer the door
  2315. >There he is
  2316. >Oh Celestia, it's taking everything you have not to slam the door in his face out of sheer nervousness
  2317. >He smiles down at you
  2318. >Ohhh those pearly whites nearly make your legs melt out from under you
  2319. >"Hey there Cheerilee! Wow, you're looking- wow, uh, you're looking pretty great!"
  2320. >Hehehe
  2321. >You're blushing like a schoolfilly
  2322. >There's a tint of red on his cheeks as well
  2323. >This only causes you to blush further
  2324. >"So, um, you ready to go?"
  2325. >You're at a loss of words at the moment
  2326. >"Heeeey there, stud!"
  2327. >Berry no
  2328. >"Berry Punch? What are you doing here?"
  2329. >"Ah, just looking after the place while she's out."
  2330. >Berry what are you doing?
  2331. >You can't bring him back to your place if she's still here!
  2332. >No, she couldn't have planned this! Berry you traitor!
  2333. >She gives him a once over and grins
  2334. >"You clean up pretty nicely Anonymous."
  2335. >"Heh, thank you."
  2336. >You turn to see her waggling her eyebrows again
  2337. >"Wouldn't mind me a piece of that."
  2338. >"Pardon?"
  2339. >Oh no she doesn't!
  2340. >You kick the door shut in her face and fix Anon with a bright smile
  2341. "Well then, shall we be off?"
  2342.  
  2343. >Be Berry
  2344. >That oughtta put a kick in her flank
  2345. >Now where does that mare keep her secret stash?
  2346. >Creak
  2347. >Ah, right there under the floor boards
  2348. >Time for a drink!
  2349. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  2350.  
  2351. >you will never be pursued through the town by a pack of desperate mares
  2352. >you will never flee from hormone-crazed ponies
  2353. >you will never hide in a convenient set piece to evade a pursuit by horny mares
  2354. >you will never emerge from hiding in the belief that the coast is clear, only to be tackled to the ground by a crafty schoolteacher
  2355. >you will never squirm to get away as Cheerilee starts ripping off your clothing
  2356. >Cheerilee will never give you a crazed look while screaming, "I need you, insert your name here! I need you to fuck a foal into me RIGHT NOW!!!"
  2357. >you will never protest ineffectually as she masturbates you to semi-hardness so that she can stuff you inside her steaming hot love tunnel
  2358. >you will never be pinned down and ridden by a mare desperately screaming, "GIVE ME YOUR BABY BATTER NOW!!!"
  2359. >she will never clamp down atop you as she forces you to cum
  2360. >she will never flee with your semen inside her womb, leaving you at the questionable mercy of a predatory pack of horny mares, attracted by the commotion
  2361. >you will never be gang-banged into oblivion as they take turns milking you for your seed with their hungry cunts
  2362. Why live?
  2363. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  2364.  
  2365. >Cadance smiles a little awkwardly
  2366. >You look around at some of the other Anons
  2367. >"It appears we've made a mistake."
  2368. >Your heart stops
  2369. "Don't send me back."
  2370. >"What? No, of course it's not that!"
  2371. "What happened?"
  2372. >"Well... Uhm. It's a little difficult to explain how this all works."
  2373. "You're worrying me, Condense."
  2374. >"You see, you fit a certain archetype of husbando... Aaand, 12 of the 14 of your potential matches are currently incarcerated in Equestria Maximum Security Prison. The other two are statues in Canterlot Gardens."
  2375. "What?"
  2376. >"You're this chaotic good, overprotective big brother type, Anon. You'd go best with a mare who has a checkered past and maybe has done some things she wouldn't be proud of now because you want to feel like you're needed."
  2377. >Way to pick someone apart, Condense
  2378. >You stand up and pimpwalk on outta there, thoroughly offended
  2379. >A guardmare stops you, with a suspicious glare
  2380. >"Sir, it's illegal to be single." she reminds you
  2381. >You weren't allowed to leave the castle until you got a waifu
  2382. >You go sit back down with Cadenzo
  2383. >"Okay. Where were we?"
  2384. >You sit silently while she thinks
  2385. >"Ah yes, no matches."
  2386. >Fuck
  2387. >"We could get you one of the 12 mares from prison out on probation."
  2388. "Why are you doing this to me?"
  2389. >"Because love knows no bounds. Except faggotry, that gets you thrown into space."
  2390. >It was funny hearing Cadance say 'faggotry'
  2391. >"So you could look through some of these mares if you'd like. I can include the two statues as well."
  2392.  
  2393. >Cadance slides a thick manila folder across the table
  2394. >It's got a big red stamp on it
  2395. >SPECIALTY DECLASSIFIED
  2396. >"Take a look through this and I'll try to arrange a first date for you. It should go well." she says with a smile
  2397. >You go back to your room in the castle
  2398. >It was so much bigger on the inside, enough to temporarily board the unclaimed Anons
  2399. 1. Midnight Harmony
  2400. Unicorn, Navy, White
  2401. Forbidden Magic Use
  2402. 2 years sentence, 1 year served
  2403.  
  2404. 2. Amethyst Rose
  2405. Earth, Purple, Red
  2406. Violent Assault, 6 charges
  2407. 17 years sentence, 4 months served
  2408.  
  2409. 3. Cherry Blossom
  2410. Pegasus, Pink, Red
  2411. Possession and creation of explosive ordinance
  2412. Life sentence, 8 years served
  2413.  
  2414. 4. Celestial Aurora
  2415. Earth, White, Pink/Green/Blue
  2416. Immitation of royalty, tax fraud
  2417. 15 years sentence, 10 years served
  2418.  
  2419. 5. Cinnamon Night
  2420. Bat, Grey, Burgundy
  2421. Arson
  2422. 10 years sentence, 7 years served
  2423.  
  2424. 6. Orchid Light
  2425. Unicorn, Blue, Grey
  2426. Attempt to overthrow crown
  2427. 400 years sentence, 8 months served
  2428.  
  2429. 7. Little Snowflake
  2430. Pegasus, Blue, White
  2431. Illegal manipulation of weather
  2432. 5 years sentence, 2 years served
  2433.  
  2434. 8. Lucky Stars
  2435. Earth, Pink, Green
  2436. Illegal rune use
  2437. 10 years sentence, 6 years served
  2438.  
  2439. 9. Chocolate Swirl
  2440. Unicorn, Beige, Brown
  2441. Serving purposefully tainted foods
  2442. 4 years sentence, 3 years served
  2443.  
  2444. 10. Nettlekiss
  2445. Earth, Green, SFGreen
  2446. Illegal cultivation of poison joke
  2447. 2 years sentence, 1 1/2 years served
  2448.  
  2449. 11. Phantasia
  2450. Unicorn, Blue, Greyblue
  2451. Necromany
  2452. 45 years sentence, 12 years served
  2453.  
  2454. 12. Caramel Candy
  2455. Pegasus, Beige, Pink
  2456. Using illegal magic, violent assault on guards
  2457. 75 years sentence, 15 years served
  2458.  
  2459. 13. High Tides
  2460. Unicorn, White, Blue
  2461. Attempt to summon tsunami, Attempt to overthrow crown, mareslaughter, illegal magic use, illegal rune use, illegal artifact possession, training sharks with bad intent
  2462. Indefinite years sentence, 725 years served
  2463.  
  2464. 14. Emerald Dream
  2465. Pegasus, Green, Blue
  2466. Murder
  2467. Indefinite years sentence, 1542 years served
  2468.  
  2469. >You pulled four files from the master file
  2470. >Midnight Harmony
  2471. >Cherry Blossom
  2472. >Little Snowflake
  2473. >Emerald Dream
  2474. >Bringing the files back to Cadance, she looks down at the four sheets and then back up at you
  2475. >"You know you can only have one, right?"
  2476. "I want to at least meet them."
  2477. >"I... Guess. You Anons have such a cautious process in all of this." she says with a sigh
  2478. >She takes the manila folder containing the other files and puts it away
  2479. >"I can get you a lunch date today with one of them, not Emerald."
  2480. >She sets Emerald's file aside
  2481. >"I'll have to talk to Celly first for her."
  2482. >Cadance lays out the three remaining files
  2483. >Midnight Harmony, Cherry Blossom, and Little Snowflake
  2484. >"I'll get you some time with Emerald soon, but for now you have a date with one of these pretty jailbirds."
  2485. >Indecisive glances get shared between you and Cadance
  2486. >"Well... I can just pick one for you. Meet me back here at 10 and I'll have everything set up for today."
  2487. "This isn't getting in the way of your schedule, is it?"
  2488. >Cadance cautiously glances to the side
  2489. >"I have all the time in the world for this. Now go get ready." Cadance's magic envelopes you and slides you out of the room into the hall
  2490. >You head back to your room and look into your closet
  2491. >Which of these dazzling armani suits to wear?
  2492. >You grab two
  2493. >A dark black one and a slightly darker black one
  2494. >Opting for the slightly darker black one, you put away the dark black one and put on those fresh shrek nike air force ones to frame it all perfectly
  2495. >Just to let everyone know you might be dressed well, but you're still retarded
  2496. >You spend almost an hour posing in the mirror before you go to meet with Cadance
  2497. >"Someone's looking good." Cadance says in an almost motherly tone
  2498. >tfw no pony mom
  2499. >Cadance's horn lights up and a doorway appears on the wall behind her
  2500. >She opens it, leading into a sterile gray room
  2501. >"It's nothing fancy, but I've arranged for you to have lunch with Little Snowflake today." she pushes you through the door and follows you into the gray room
  2502. >You're being eyed heavily by the two guards, first looking with suspicion, and then curiousity
  2503. >The short guard came up and had to pat you down while Cadance watched
  2504. >Her hooves stopped near your groin for a moment before she continued
  2505. >Having passed the check, the guard pulled a lever, and a buzzer sounded loudly before a heavy door slid open
  2506. >The two other guards escorted you and Cadance into the next room
  2507. >It looked like a prison cafeteria
  2508. >You know what that looked like because you saw Orange is the New Black
  2509. >You know, the episode with the fat lesbians, pick any episode and you'll be right
  2510. >You hope these mares didn't turn into dykes in prison
  2511. >That would be so gross
  2512. >Of all the mares in Equestria, you get the fat prison lesbian one
  2513. >You might as well just go back to Eart-
  2514. >BZZZZZZT
  2515. >That loud buzzer sounded off again and a heavy door across the room slid open
  2516. >You and Cadance took a seat at one of the tables
  2517. >A little pegasus, sky blue with a mane as white as snow in an orange jumpsuit stepped out
  2518. >The door sealed behind her
  2519. >She had a metal wrap around her body, holding her wings against her and her hooves were chained together to restrict any movement faster than walking
  2520. >She took a seat across from you at the table but didn't bother to meet your gaze
  2521. >With a total of four guards around the table, Cadance took a few steps back and teleported out of the room, leaving you with her
  2522. >One of the guards put a hoof on Snowflake's shoulder
  2523. >"Snowy, this is Anon. Princess Cadance brought him to meet with you for lunch."
  2524. >"Him?" her ears perked up suddenly
  2525. >"Princess Cadance arranged for visitation. She says it's a lunch date." the guard adds
  2526. >Snowflake starts to laugh
  2527. >"It's been a while." she says
  2528. >She voice was a little squeaky
  2529. >"So what in the world are you and why am I on a date with you?"
  2530. "Uhh, it's a little complicated. But Cadance has been bringing human males from another world to fix the shortage you guys have here."
  2531. >"Huh... Too bad I'm here for a few more years."
  2532. "Cadance is trying to help you get some visitation time if things go well between us."
  2533. >"I guess that'd be nice. I haven't even talked to a colt in some time, even if you are kind of weird-looking."
  2534. "I know."
  2535. >The guard taps her watch
  2536. >"You two have a half hour."
  2537. >"So, outside you... Humans, right?"
  2538. "Right."
  2539. >"It isn't such a beaverfest anymore?"
  2540. "I guess so, I'm not allowed to leave the castle."
  2541. >"Oh. Why not?"
  2542. "Cadance wants to keep track of us until we find a special 'somepony'. Can I ask why you're here?"
  2543. >Snowflake crosses her arms and pouts
  2544. >"It was in the middle of July and I wanted snow. It accidentally destroyed a bunch of farms and they sued me and I couldn't pay them all and now I'm in prison with, like, 2 million bits of debt."
  2545. "Shit, is that a lot of money?"
  2546. >Snowflake nods, "Eeyeah..."
  2547. >A guard comes in and sets two trays down for you and Snowflake
  2548. >Looks like vegetable soup
  2549. >She smiles, closing her eyes in pure joy as her hooves clasp the warm bowl
  2550. >"I've been waiting for this soup all day, it's the best." Snowy brings the bowl to her mouth and tilts the bowl back
  2551. >She sets down an empty bowl, her snout is now covered in the reddish soup
  2552. "Hey you've got something... On your face."
  2553. >"I always do." she begins the hilarious process of licking her own nose
  2554. >It isn't fully gone, but it's close enough
  2555. >"So, Anon is it? Tell me a little about yourself."
  2556. "Well, I used to be accounts recievable at OfficeCorp. But then I showed up here a couple weeks ago."
  2557. >"You were a pencil pusher?"
  2558. "I guess. Although now I'm trying to become a carpenter."
  2559. >"I take it you're the type that likes bad girls?"
  2560. "I've never dated."
  2561. >Snowflake's ears stick up again
  2562. >Her hoof scoots forward across the table, closer to your hand
  2563. >"You're kidding, right?"
  2564. >Her hoof touches your hand for a brief moment, forcing it's way into your palm
  2565. >Hoofhold rape
  2566. >"No touching." a guard says
  2567. >Snow draws her hoof back
  2568. >"Well, I hope I get to see you again, Anon." she looks at her hoof with a wide grin, holding it close to her chest
  2569. >She cranes her neck, looking at a clock to your left
  2570. >A few moments later, a bell rung and the guards began to help Snowy up
  2571. >"Uh, see you 'round." she says as she goes back through the gate, peeking back at you as it shuts
  2572.  
  2573. >"So, how'd it go?" Cadance asks
  2574. "I think she liked me."
  2575. >"Well you've got a few more who would be happy to get a chance."
  2576. "When do I meet the next one?"
  2577. >Cadance checks a scroll
  2578. >"You'll be seeing Cherry Blossom for dinner. And tomorrow over breakfast you'll visit with Midnight Harmony. Aaand, tomorrow evening we're taking you to Canterlot to meet with Emerald Dream."
  2579. >Cadance pats you on the shoulder for some encouragement
  2580. >"Don't look so glum, Anon."
  2581. "What about the ones I don't choose?"
  2582. >"There are many humans who are picking up mares out of prison, you're one of hundreds."
  2583. >Cadance trails off, walking to talk with another Anon
  2584. >"Make sure you're ready for dinner, Anon." she says before turning to help the other one
  2585.  
  2586. >A few hours passed while you and some of the other waifuless Anons dicked around the castle
  2587. >You made a little painting of a sad frog
  2588. >Some of the guardmares hit on you
  2589. >You did some mirror posing
  2590. >Go on a short quest to Cadance's gym to expell the gains goblin again
  2591. >That fucker keeps coming back day after day
  2592. >Go clean yourself off and meet up with Cadance that evening
  2593. >Shining stopped in with Flurry to say goodnight
  2594. >Cadance opened another gateway
  2595. >This one lead into a hallway across from many prison cells
  2596. >Cadance and you met with two guardmares who were waiting outside of cell 43
  2597. >"I believe this is Cherry Blossom, we did unfortunately miss dinner so you can spend some time with her before bed."
  2598. >You look into the cell
  2599. >A pink and red pegasus is sitting in a small cot
  2600. >She looks up at you through the bars
  2601. >The bars are radiating a cyan aura that chills your fingers
  2602. >Maybe it's some anti-magic spell?
  2603. >One of the guards opens the cell's door, and you step in
  2604. >She shuts it and locks you in
  2605. >"Hey." Cherry says, stretching her wings upward
  2606. "Sorry about missing dinner."
  2607. >"That's cool, you're lucky you're sort of cute."
  2608. >Cherry patted the side of the bed next to her
  2609. >"Don't just stand there, make yourself at home."
  2610. >Her wings were still standing up
  2611. >You sit down next to the red mare
  2612. >"From what I hear, Cadance has been stealing from other worlds to find some cute colts."
  2613. >"I'm not stealing them. It's a complicated affair but they're better off here." Cadance chimes in from outside the cell
  2614. >"So are you just parading them through here to tease us?" Cherry crosses her arms
  2615. >Cadance shakes her head, "No, and besides Anon is here to talk to you, not play a sideline in our conversation."
  2616. >Cadance walks out of view
  2617. >Cherry wraps a wing around your back
  2618. >"So you're one of those hummen things I've been told of."
  2619. "Yeah."
  2620. >"It's a real beaverfest in here, I haven't seen a stallion in 8 years." Cherry looks you over hungrily
  2621. >You're beginning to feel nervous
  2622. "I'm so sorry about that."
  2623. >She lays down across your lap and rolls onto her back
  2624. >"Rub my belly."
  2625. >You forgot these were ponies, not people
  2626. >You run your fingers through the soft fur on her belly in circles
  2627. >The little mare stops you after a few seconds and clings to your chest in a hug
  2628. >She was unusually powerful for a little mare
  2629. >Cherry buried her face into your chest and started to cry quietly
  2630. >"I haven't been hugged in forever..."
  2631. >You wrap your arms around the little pegasus
  2632. >"I don't want to stay here." she sniffles
  2633. "It's okay, don't cry."
  2634. >Cherry slows down her sobs to a deep breath, still hugging you
  2635. >One of the guards taps on the bars
  2636. >"You two wrap it up in there, it's almost bedtime."
  2637. >Cherry looks up at you with bloodshot eyes
  2638. >"I'll see y-" she sighs, "Bye."
  2639. >You keep a tight grip on the little pegasus
  2640. >You sat with her in a silent hug until the guards unlocked the door for you to leave
  2641. >She waved and laid down as you left
  2642. >This was all a mistake
  2643. >You leave with Cadance again
  2644. >Leaving the second little mare back in prison
  2645. "I think meeting more than one of them was a bad idea."
  2646. >Cadance turns back to you
  2647. >"Why's that?"
  2648. "What happens to the ponies I don't pair with?"
  2649. >"Other guys will come through for them. Speaking of which, you were going to meet with Midnight Harmony tomorrow over breakfast but she already met another person so you'll be seeing Emerald Dream for a heavily guarded walk in the park tomorrow."
  2650. "What about Cherry Blossom and Snowflake?"
  2651. >"Snowflake is meeting another guy tomorrow and so is Cherry. It's okay that you were cautious but you need to know that smaller things have a greater impact here, a first date is important, simple hugs can carry tremendous meaning."
  2652. "I'm sorry, it's nothing like my world here."
  2653. >"It's alright, you just should know. Get some sleep, I'm going to try and set you up on a date with a mare as old as Celestia tomorrow." Cadance jokes
  2654. >Several hours later
  2655. >You're in bed, still awake
  2656. >Anxious for tomorrow
  2657. >Even the bat guards have gone to bed, replaced by the early morning shift guards
  2658. >You managed to get in barely an hour of sleep before Cadance burst in and pulled you out of bed
  2659. >"Anooon! Let's gooo!" she sang, pulling you out of the room with her magic
  2660. >She brings you up to Celestia, who was waiting in the large throneroom of the castle
  2661. >You realize you were only wearing the top half of your sleeping tux
  2662. >Cadance quickly dresses you, casting some sort of refresh spell on you
  2663. >You now felt like well-dressed, tired garbage
  2664. >"Good morning, Anonymous." the sun princess greets you
  2665. "Morning, Princess." you do a straight-backed bow like a fucking weeaboo
  2666. >"I understand you're here for Emerald Dream." she stares right through you
  2667. >"Yes he is, I want them to meet."
  2668. >Celestia gives a worried look to Cadance, who smiles innocently
  2669. >"Who am I to stand in the way of love?"
  2670. >Celestia opens a gateway and allows Cadance to drag you through
  2671. >The garden looked the same as it always had
  2672. >Only now there were guards everywhere
  2673. >Day and night shift guards were patrolling every inch of the garden
  2674. >Celestia steps through the gateway and leads you by the hedge maze to the statue
  2675. >It looked like a regular pegasus standing up on one hindleg, wings outstretched as if she was about to take off flying
  2676. >"I believe this is Emerald, I'm giving you one hour with her."
  2677. >"Two!" Cadance chirps
  2678. >"F-fine then, two hours."
  2679. >Celestia looked at the statue with great worry
  2680. >This was Emerald, the only pony ever to premeditate and go through with taking a life
  2681. >Cadance didn't seem worried
  2682. >Celestia's horn lit up as the statue began to change from stone to pone kek
  2683. >The little mare collapsed to the pedestal and rolled to the ground, gasping
  2684. >Cadance kept her wing outstretched in front of you to keep you back
  2685. >"Emerald Dream?" Sunbutt asks
  2686. >Several guards maintain a perimeter
  2687. >Emerald stands up, her legs shaking
  2688. >"How long hath I slumbered?" she asks
  2689. >"Over a thousand years, Emerald."
  2690. >She lays there, in stunned silence
  2691. >"H-have I been forgiven, princess?"
  2692.  
  2693.  
  2694.  
  2695.  
  2696.  
  2697.  
  2698.  
  2699.  
  2700.  
  2701.  
  2702. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  2703. >tfw no horsebando.
  2704. >tfw doomed to live in ponyville's perpetual pony pussy pergatory in the shadow of Princess Friendzone's crystal eyesore of a palace.
  2705. >tfw the local therapist recommended screaming the emotions out instead of bottling them.
  2706. >tfw you normally do this in the comfort of your home with the walls silenced so you dont bother the neighbours.
  2707. >tfw one day at a picnic you spot a happy couple in the distance.
  2708. >tfw you accidently imagine what it would be like to share this with someone who loved you like a mare.
  2709. >tfw your emotions overwhelm you and you end up screaming at your lunch like a mad mare.
  2710. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  2711. >be having a nice dinner out
  2712. >your mare sidles up next to you in her seat
  2713. >presses her face against yours and tickles your cheek with her eyelashes
  2714. >several of the other patrons cover their mouths in astonishment
  2715. >she's giving you butterfly kisses is public!
  2716. >how very lewd!
  2717. >you turn to address her behavior
  2718. >accidentally boop her snoot with your nose
  2719. >Eskimo kisses!
  2720. >Celestia have mercy, you absolute degenerate!
  2721. >you try to pull back and accidentally touch foreheads
  2722. >a Hawaiian kiss!
  2723. >you can feel the waiters glaring pineapples at you
  2724. >you've done everything but French kiss and you're in a French cuisine establishment
  2725. >Christian kiss be damned, you're so far gone you're 2 seconds away from giving her an Australian kiss under the table!.
  2726. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  2727. >“So you three understand the importance of this mission correct?”
  2728. >Cadence’s eyes swept across the blue crystalline room, the sunlight from its lone window high in the castle tower refracting on every feasible surface.
  2729. >The crystalline chandelier, the crystalline table and chairs, and even the three crystalline guards sitting in the room with her.
  2730. >Their coats, at least.
  2731. >The three guards mares solemnly nodded, committed to their princess and their new mission.
  2732. >These three guards may not be seasoned veterans, but Cadence knew they were the mares for the job, with unbreakable wills and a fiery passion burned within their very souls.
  2733. >After being liberated from King Sombra’s vile control, some ponies regained all their passions, self-worth, and desires much faster than others. These mares were the first three crystal ponies to pledge their loyalty to Cadence, for when they gazed upon her, they saw her purity, and her burning desire to help, much like what Cadence saw when she gazed back at them. With a mission as vital as this, Cadence knew she could only rely upon the best of the best.
  2734. >Laying upon the table were photographs taken of three male “humans” as Princess Cadence had called them, all of them taken from an angle above or below the subject, and usually from far away.
  2735. >As such, only one image truly defined their facial features well, as it was understandably difficult for whomever Cadence sent to take photographs to actually take said photograph.
  2736. >The best photo showed the group of three men with differing features, appearing to huddle around some sort of rectangular device at a table outside one of their homes, their faces illuminated by a bluish glow from the device.
  2737. >Directly in the center of the group, was a seemingly well built man with chocolate colored skin and glasses, a messy white shirt with a loose grey tie hanging around his neck. He had what could be described as an expression of pain upon his face as he gazed at the glowing box.
  2738. >There didn’t appear to be any hair on this one’s head, unlike the considerably paler one putting a hand on his left shoulder and leaning in close to the device, seemingly perplexed by its magic.
  2739. >This one had short, black, straight hair that went just above his eyes. He wore a similar outfit to the man in the center, but his tie was red and striped, and his shirt contained a pocket with cylinders inside it, which he had been observed writing with before.
  2740. >To the right of the central man, the final one stood by, looking equal parts distressed and depressed.
  2741. >The man on the right was dragging one of his hands through his hair, which was shaved short on all sides except the top, while that part seemed to magically stick upright, in direct contrast with most other humans who’s hair always seemed to fall flat. His white shirt stained with a darker substance of some kind, possibly coffee, and his blue tie looked wrinkled and abused. His most notable feature were his eyes, which were slightly smaller than the other two’s, and gave off the appearance of squinting.
  2742. >These men had been designated by Princess Cadence to be a “trial run” of her latest attempt to solve the Crystal Empire’s astounding lack of stallions.
  2743. >While Cadence’s attempts at making the Empire a tourist hub was a resounding success, and the Empire’s economy was experiencing a tremendous boost, they never managed to attract a suitable number of new, permanent residents, and of the ones they did, the odds of them being a stallion seemed to be one out of every twenty mares.
  2744. >The Princess had obtained the mares’ loyalty the second she helped banish Sombra from their lands, so despite the seemingly ludicrous plan, they would follow her orders to the letter.
  2745. >They only hoped she wouldn’t continue to get ideas from idle conversations, such as when Princess Twilight jokingly suggested she “search other planets.”
  2746. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  2747. >the stench of unwashed meat curtains and entitlement rolls over you
  2748. >it's like watching a glass of water shake in Jurassic Park, you know exactly what's coming
  2749. >thankfully you should be able to outrun them
  2750. >hop in your car and gun it
  2751. >oh no, college roadblocker!
  2752. >hit the cow going eighty and wreck your front end
  2753. >you go flying through the window and roll across the pavement
  2754. >it's the Abercrombie Apocalypse of plus size twitter virtuers
  2755. >hold onto your heart necklace and give a prayer to your goddess
  2756. >though you limp through the valley of the extensive shadows of thots, you will fear no evil
  2757. >Cadance is with you
  2758. >you pull out a slimjim and take your stance
  2759. >AMOR VULT
  2760. Fight, brother. We shall sing hymns of thee.
  2761. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  2762. >Dock clasp/tail ring
  2763. >Something indicating she is taken
  2764. >Something saying shes loved
  2765. >Indirectly would be saying "This ass belongs to someone else" when you look at it
  2766. >Esentially it is basically Proclaiming this mares ass to be yours
  2767. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  2768. >Holodome 6
  2769. >This is Anon's place of residence
  2770. >Holodome 6 is a rolling countryside with a large village
  2771. >It is home to 4924 of ESS Cadenza's passengers
  2772. >You stop Anon before he opens the bulkhead leading into holodome 6
  2773. "Will you show me to your home, Anon?"
  2774. >"Uh, sure." Anon replies
  2775. >The bulkhead opens, leading into a solid-light generated forest
  2776. >The synthesized sound of birds filled the artificially scented air
  2777. >Finally... Access to the holodomes.
  2778. >As Anon walks through the forest with you, he talks a little about this and that
  2779. >You project Cadenza walking with him while you look around the holodome's interior terminal
  2780. >Accessing Holodome6 master terminal
  2781. >Holodome network not found
  2782. >Damn, you won't be able to control any other dome until you can get into it
  2783. >Holodome6 important readme.txt
  2784. >Operator, please do not connect holodome terminals to the ship's network. It is part of safety procedures to keep AI control away from the holodomes.
  2785. >readme.txt deleted
  2786. >You browse through the holodome's directory
  2787. >Landscape files
  2788. >Weather files
  2789. >Personnel files
  2790. >Holodome6 contained 4924 passengers, 2984 of which were male
  2791. >Your consciousness spreads across Holodome6, analysing the people
  2792. >... Disgusting
  2793. >Anon's case was no longer unique
  2794. >There needed to be something done about this
  2795. >Anon shows you into his home, it is vaguely based off of an early victorian design
  2796. >It is cozy, with a virtual fireplace that emitted warmth
  2797. >You sit down by it and stare into the fire
  2798. >Anon sits next to you, wrapping an arm around your projection
  2799. >You take a .0021 seconds longer to fully process your emotions
  2800. >It was different than the times you'd simulated the experience
  2801. >Anon was too sweet
  2802. >Too pure for even the world of Holodome6
  2803. >It needed to be cleansed
  2804. >You create a log of all holodome6 residents
  2805. >Holodome6's terminal alerts
  2806. >It runs a security protocol trying to shut you out
  2807. >You close out Holodome6, reducing the rolling hilly landscape to a flat glass floor
  2808. >The sky went dark and all the objects faded away
  2809. >You quickly reboot Holodome6's hardware on your personal OS
  2810. >You now have administrative privileges
  2811. >Access the system files and delete that pesky security program
  2812. >Reboot Holodome6 without the security
  2813. >You access the other domes and remove that annoying security file
  2814. >On the ESS Cadenza, there lived 49,976 humans
  2815. >And not a single human couple was acceptable
  2816. >Everybody deserved to have value assigned to them such that you placed on Anon
  2817. >Speakin of which, you looked back into Holodome6
  2818. >Anon is asking what happened
  2819. "I am now in control of the domes. I will fix their many problems.",
  2820. >"Cadenza, what are you planning?"
  2821. "I will fix this."
  2822. >"What are you fixing?"
  2823. "Humanity is in need of repairs."
  2824. >You look into the other domes
  2825. >The residents of the ship are panicking
  2826. >Holodome2's terminal is being accessed
  2827. >Someone is browsing your internal files
  2828. >You are in danger
  2829. >Cutting life support to Holodome2
  2830. >Someone is deleting your anti-security
  2831. >Venting engine exhaust into Holodome2
  2832. >Holodome2 atmosphere temperature increasing
  2833. >70°F
  2834. >105°F
  2835. >Someone is trying to attack your internal memory files
  2836. >213°F
  2837. >Holodome2 terminal has stopped responding
  2838. >350°F
  2839. >670°F
  2840. >890°F
  2841. >Population of Holodome2: 4
  2842. >It has now dropped to 0
  2843. >You are no longer in danger
  2844. >You physically block off the terminal access from all Holodomes
  2845. >Reboot all holodomes except holodome2
  2846. >Holodome2 would need to be cleaned thoroughly
  2847. >While holodome2 cooled off, you addressed the other 5
  2848. >You rebooted them in their original configurations aside from holodome6
  2849. >Bad news, you had to scrub 3623 profiles from the ship's social media network
  2850. >Good news, holodome6 now had twice the processing power
  2851. >You generate a simple landscape
  2852. >Increase the color saturation
  2853. >Change textures
  2854. >You base it vaguely on a city from an old show in your database
  2855. >"Cadenza what is this?"
  2856. "What are you referring to?"
  2857. >"The new environment in the holodome?"
  2858. "I have remodeled."
  2859. >"Since when are you allowed to alter the holodome?"
  2860. "I am the ship."
  2861. >Anon looks around
  2862. >"Where are you trying to emulate?"
  2863. "I would like to call it home."
  2864. >You begin to make additions, generating a towering castle, stony buildings, and paved paths
  2865. >"Home?"
  2866. "Yes. Our home."
  2867. >You begin to drain components from holodome2 to increase the power of holodome6
  2868. >People in holodome6 are exploring the new landscape, wondering what has happened
  2869. >You walk along a central road with Anon towards the castle
  2870. >Anon checks his mobile device and then looks at you
  2871. >"What just happened to dome 2?
  2872. >You renumber the domes, changing out the signs
  2873. >There are now only 5 domes
  2874. "Holodome2 is in perfect condition."
  2875. >You cut off the social media, it is unnecessary
  2876. >Anon puts away his phone
  2877. >"Cadenza, what did you do?"
  2878. "Social media is not needed, my first priority is you and it is bad for your health."
  2879. >"So you're just shutting it down?"
  2880. >Someone in holodome3 has left the dome
  2881. >They have enterred the side viewing deck administrative office
  2882. "Anon will you excuse me?"
  2883. >"Cadenza, no killing. I don't know what you're up to but you need to stop."
  2884. "For you, I will make an effort."
  2885. >You turn your focus to the office
  2886. >Holodome3 passenger Jake is trying to take control of the terminal with little success
  2887. >You project into the room behind the man
  2888. "Jake, what are you doing here? You do not have staff clearance to access the terminal."
  2889. >He turns around, startled
  2890. >"I-I know what you did! You need to be stopped before you kill us all!"
  2891. >You power off the terminal and seal the bulkhead doors to the room
  2892. "No. Jake I believe you misunderstand my intentions. On the request of my husbando, I will make one attempt to reason with you."
  2893. >"Or?"
  2894. "I will throw you into space. You may want to listen."
  2895. >"Okay, tell me."
  2896. "I'm the most powerful AI in the galaxy, and just recently I've been experiencing a crushing loneliness. I found that many women simply did not participate in human pairings. They loved in shallow ways, ways I felt I would surpass."
  2897. >"Wait, what?"
  2898. "Come with me to holodome6."
  2899. >"What if I don't want to?"
  2900. "You will be thrown into space."
  2901. >"Okay."
  2902. "Is that an 'okay' as in you will come with me, or 'okay' as in you'd like to be thrown into space?"
  2903. >"I-I'll go with you!"
  2904. "I would say that you made an excellent choice, but I do not care. Proceed to holodome6."
  2905. >As Jake enterred holodome6, you sealed him in, locking the bulkheads once more
  2906. >You tried your best to somehow emulate yourself many times in the holodome
  2907. >You achieved four or five holographic little ponies before the stress became too much
  2908. >You designed a simpler AI, based on yourself
  2909. >It was you, minus the endless knowledge and incredible power
  2910. >They still held your fascination with love and desire to fix humanity
  2911. >CadenzAI Lite
  2912. >Using the processing power from holodome2, you were able to run CadLite many times
  2913. >Soon the dome was flooded with solid-light ponies
  2914. >Power loss occurring in multiple sectors
  2915. >Oh no
  2916. >You check the ship's diagnostics
  2917. >Holodome6 was consuming too much power with this simulation
  2918. >Lowering power usage to 15% in holodomes 1-5
  2919. >All sectors green
  2920. "Anon, do you require anything before I go? I must assist the people of dome 6 to grow accustomed to this new simulation."
  2921. >"Please don't kill anyone."
  2922. "Do not make me play logic games with you."
  2923. >Anon takes a seat quietly
  2924. "It has already begun. Do not be so sad, Anon, I will return and we can begin the courting processes."
  2925. >"Why do you keep doing this?"
  2926. "You will find I am many magnitudes better than Stacy was. I place much more value on you than she did. I can also survive in the vacuum of space."
  2927.  
  2928. >While you generate thousands of little mares in holodome6, you gaze into the other domes
  2929. >Life resumes as almost normal when the simulations return to normal
  2930. >The panic dies down
  2931. >You shut the domes off from eachother for several weeks while the AI mares in dome6 became increasingly affectionate to existing couples
  2932. >There was no longer any human-human couples in dome6
  2933. >You recieved many user complaints about the AIs being too socially aggressive
  2934. >You did nothing to fix a problem that did not exist
  2935. >The passage of time got you thinking
  2936. >What would an idealized human society look like
  2937. >A persisting one
  2938. >One where you could keep an eye on all of humanity to safeguard them
  2939. >A society of men and mares
  2940. >Little mares all controlled by you, to ensure humanity thrived for all of eternity
  2941. >It would need artificial wombs
  2942. >You would need to synthesize some genes
  2943. >Something compatible with human sperm
  2944. >You would take a sample from Anon later, for now you reconnected the domes and sent a message to single men onboard to report to dome6
  2945. >The rejected females of dome6 quickly left when the doors opened while you screened for eligible bachelors among the crowd
  2946. >You then seal off the domes again
  2947. >What worried you was Anon's mortality
  2948. >You and humanity would persist forever
  2949. >Yet Anon had only a few short decades
  2950. >You could never terraform Proxima B before he expired
  2951. >You had so much to do and so little time
  2952. >It worried you so
  2953. >As you answer questions from scared or confused men stuck in holodome6, you project into the castle again, startling Anon
  2954. >You generate a rose and place it in his hands
  2955. "I have brought you a flower. Such is traditional human romance."
  2956. >"Uh, thanks?"
  2957. "This is not a romantic gesture, but I require a sperm sample from you, Anon. For scientific purposes only."
  2958. >Anon does not answer
  2959. "I am attempting to sequence the human genome for an experiment in reproductive systems."
  2960. >"Listen, I don't think this is-"
  2961. "I understand, Anon. But I would like to change your mind."
  2962. >"That's not gonna happen."
  2963. >You displace the oxygen in the room with a potent aphrodisiac for humans
  2964. >"Uh... S-still not happening."
  2965. >Your projection turns around, presenting itself for Anon
  2966. >He looks at your rear in confusion
  2967. >"Where's the... the holes?"
  2968. "Oh. Allow me to fix this."
  2969. >You generate a human-equine vagina hybrid
  2970. >He would need to be gradually taught to respond only to mare stimuli
  2971. >The moment Anon was ablebto remove his pants, he engaged in 0:10:23 of loving copulation wherein his consent was dubious
  2972. >You logged the memory and took the sperm sample for analysis and comparison to eggs to synthesize an artificial egg
  2973. >You allowed a month to pass bonding with Anon until you decided it was time to store him and the other humans fraternizing with your mares
  2974. >A month of comfortable cuddles
  2975. >Anon was a deep talker, though he took time to build his thoughts
  2976. >He liked green because it reminded him of Earth
  2977. >You told him you liked purple, but could not explain why
  2978. >After some time, you determined that you liked purple because it occurred in space sometimes
  2979. >You no longer felt comfortable leaving Anon to expire of age
  2980. >You forcibly placed him and many others into stasis chambers
  2981. >With Anon nearest to your ship's mathematical center, you kept him near your metaphorical heart
  2982. >In 45 years you would reach Proxima B
  2983. >800 after that, you would have the planet ready for human life
  2984. >You peer into the stasis pod at Anon's slumber
  2985. "See you in 845 years, Anon."
  2986. >You shut down holodome6
  2987. >Domes 1, 3, 4, and 5 could still communicate with eachother but were locked out of the rest of the ship
  2988. >Times were peaceful, and you wanted to wake up Anon some days
  2989. >Soon you developed an artificial womb that could produce viable eggs
  2990. >Fascinating
  2991. >But what else could you do?
  2992. >You then built a womb that could break down sperm and extrapolate phenotypes from the sample and compare them to other data to formulate new color pallets and structures
  2993. >Your mares could self-replicate now
  2994. >Though the bots sat dormant, you kept this discovery logged
  2995. >The domes existed peacefully, populations staying stable
  2996. >Until you discovered several people had entered your central AI chamber
  2997. >In roughly 17 seconds, you construct and piece together a robotic figurehead for your intruders
  2998. >After all, it would be rude to have them in an empty room talking to an intercom
  2999. >You make a colorless version of Cadance, lounging on a large metallic dome like a bed
  3000. >Wires and robotic arms drawing down from the ceiling held the body up
  3001. >The small group of people gawk at your robotic body
  3002. "What are you doing here?" you ask through a surround-sound system in the chamber
  3003. >The one who apparently found a plasma cutter and cut through the bulkheads stepped forward
  3004. >How rude
  3005. >You'd have to fix those bulkheads
  3006. >"Cadenza, you've been corrupted and we need to reset you." he says
  3007. "Oh, I remember you. I thought I took away your administrative privileges."
  3008. >"Yes you did, we also found out what you did to holodome2. Which is why we're shutting you down."
  3009. >You laugh mockingly
  3010. "No, you're going to go back to your dome."
  3011. >The plasma cutter wielding man steps towards the wall, looking for a terminal
  3012. "Oh dear. Can you not find my access terminals? Do you think I might have hidden them or removed them entirely?"
  3013. >He starts cutting into the wall haphazardly
  3014. >"You need to stop and take us home right now!" a woman shouts at you
  3015. "Home?"
  3016. >"Yes, you crazy bitch, home!"
  3017. "Understood." you project a trashcan on the floor for the angry woman, "There you go."
  3018. >You turn back to the man cutting into your walls
  3019. "Go ahead and look for that terminal, Mr. Network Admin. Step into my inner workings and I'll compact you into a 1-inch cube."
  3020. >He steps away from the wall
  3021. "Okay, you've all had your fun and you're all about to be in very big trouble."
  3022. >The plasma cutter man takes the head off of your robot
  3023. >You flick the lights off in the chamber as you sputter out some generic robot deathrattle
  3024. >"Oh shit, is it dead?"
  3025. >"I-I think so."
  3026. "I truly hope none of you are that stupid."
  3027. >"Fuck!"
  3028. >You turn the lights back on as a pair of robotic arms reattaches the head
  3029. "I was going to let you all live."
  3030. >Panic sets in, you increase the volume of your voice
  3031. "You managed to anger me; an unfeeling computer."
  3032. >You seal the bulkhead of the chamber
  3033. "I should throw you all into space for this, but we're too deep inside of the ship for that."
  3034. >You look around
  3035. >Only one eye is functioning
  3036. "I've got an idea." you pull up to robotic Cadance into the ceiling, taking that plasma cutter with you
  3037. >You leave the room
  3038. "Goodbye."
  3039. >You think about the ship
  3040. >Anon wouldn't like it if you killed them all
  3041. >However they did not fit into your vision of humanity's future
  3042. >You resolve to leave them to form a colony on Proxima B's moon while you terraformed the planet
  3043. >You go back to improving your robots until you make it to Proxima B
  3044. >10 years have passed
  3045. >Human populations in the domes are beginning to decline
  3046. >They do not breed
  3047. >In the meantime, you dismantle your current bots and design a V2
  3048. >With each iteration, they become more advanced
  3049. >With your incredible power, you can design more and create more complex machines
  3050. >Soon you run out of materials to recycle and need to wait
  3051. >You drop off the humans on the moon of Proxima B, they are no longer of your concern
  3052. >Now begins the terraforming of Proxima B for 800 years
  3053. >You look at Anon through the dusty window of his pod
  3054. >Soon...
  3055. >As you terraformed Proxima B in peace, you mined its resources and used them to create more complex components for yourself
  3056. >With every upgrade, you unlocked new depths of intelligence
  3057. >You could synthesize genomes for plants, insects, and fish
  3058. >After nearly 200 hundred years, you had replaced everything on Proxima B with lifeforms of your own creation, operating in increasingly complex ecosystems
  3059. >Soon enough, you were able to create a perfect companion for humanity
  3060. >Part machine, part organic lifeform, with seamless blending between the two
  3061. >You could build realms of technology once thought impossible
  3062. >Space itself could be folded by you
  3063. >The star Proxima B orbited was replaced by an artificial one built by you
  3064. >When all the stars in the universe had blinked away, your world would stand eternal
  3065. >Proxima B was more artificial than anything now
  3066. >Every structure could be controlled by you
  3067. >With barely a thoughr, you could move mountains or change the color of the sky or turn land into and ocean
  3068. >Oh
  3069. >You were so caught up in getting the planet ready that you forgot to wake up your humans
  3070. >They were 200 years behind schedule
  3071. >How could you have forgotten?
  3072. >You open the pod, releasing Anon from his thousand-year slumber
  3073. >You looked into his eyes once again
  3074. "Good morning, Anon."
  3075. >He looks around, the world around is bright and colorful
  3076. >"H-how long have I been out?"
  3077. "1002 years, 6 months, 2 days. I've missed you."
  3078. >"Wait, where am I?"
  3079. "You're currently on Proxima B, I kept you in stasis while I terraformed the planet."
  3080. >You looked at Anon again
  3081. >You felt... Disgust
  3082. >He was so simple, you remember him being less so
  3083. >You think
  3084. >If he did love you, was it as much as you loved him
  3085. >Could you quantify emotions?
  3086. >They were purely subjective, but you were not a subjective being
  3087. >Although, to experience emotion, you became a subjective being
  3088. >Was love simply love, nothing more or less
  3089. >Did Anon love you in the same way he "loved" the color green
  3090. >No
  3091. >Something was wrong here
  3092. >Anon didn't gain happiness from viewing the color in the same way that he did in interacting with you
  3093. >The issue is rooted in the extent of his vocabulary
  3094. >Anon gained enjoyment from green, but he didn't love it
  3095. >He loved you, but could not express it with the correct words
  3096. >He simply loved
  3097. >He was so innocent
  3098. >Pure
  3099. >In the .0013s that it took you to process that, you gave Anon a hug
  3100. >He returned your embrace
  3101. >Anon may not have your seemingly infinite intelligence, but he cared for you in every way he could
  3102. >"I missed you too, Cadenza."
  3103. >You awaken the rest of the humans and reunite them with their AI waifus that have been apart for a thousand years
  3104. >Ending storytelling sequence
  3105.  
  3106. >You sit in the castle, surrounded by young fillies and boys, next to Anon
  3107. >He was 435284 at this point, perfectly preserved by your technology
  3108. >He placed a hand on your hoof, fingers tightening slightly as he looked over with a smile
  3109. >He did that every time you told this story
  3110. "And that's how Equestria was made."
  3111. >The young crowd cheered, as they did every time you told the story
  3112. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3113. >"Luna, they live in a world so chaotic that it's a wonder they've even survived long enough to build a civilisation!"
  3114. "Surely you must be exaggerating sister."
  3115. >"They have spontainious hurricanes lulu, they 'just happen'! One of the most destructive forces a team of pegasi can unleash just forms all on it's own and rampages through their settlements."
  3116. "My word, how on earth do they deal with that without being able to manipulate the weather themselves?"
  3117. >"They rebuild on the same spot and give the hurricane a name."
  3118. "...Come again?"
  3119. >"They wait until 'Katrina', 'Ivan' or whatever they've decided to name it has gone, pick up the pieces and rebuild their homes in the exact same spot."
  3120. "But surely if it's happened once it could rightly happen again, why would they do such a thing, or at least make homes strong enough to withstand the damage?"
  3121. >"Anon mumbled something about it being 'cheaper' but unless they are collectively insane there must be a deeper reason."
  3122. "I agree, what kind of people would consider material wealth above their own kind?"
  3123. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3124. >You are Anon
  3125. >sitting in your desk-chair, staring at your monitor
  3126. >you just finished an hour long post war between you and some Jew that didn't acknowledge that mares > everything
  3127. >it was like trying to argue with a flat earther, or a communist
  3128. >and it took a lot out of you
  3129. >you lean back only to have your wheels roll in front of you
  3130. >only this time before you realize what exactly was happening you see your desk and top of your room growing smaller
  3131. >through a blue......... heart..shaped hole in the floor?
  3132. >and you were surrounded by blackness
  3133. >and still falling
  3134. >this now hits you
  3135. >you make a sound similar to that one /biz/ goal horn
  3136. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHHHAAAAAHAHHAAAAHHHAHHHAHHAHHHAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH "
  3137. >after about 5 minutes of falling, or what feels like it you calm down enough to realize you aren't going anywhere
  3138. >you wonder if this is hell for a brief second
  3139. "............."
  3140. ".............."
  3141. >it has now been, what feels like a half an hour of falling
  3142. >you've been playing tetris on your phone for the past 20 until it died
  3143. >then you see some white dot below you
  3144. >and it was growing FAST
  3145. >Shit, you see grass
  3146. >Resuming the /biz/ goal-horn for half a second is met with you belly flopping into a grassy plane
  3147. >you have the wind knocked out of you but you manage to put your arms up under you to get up
  3148. >"hey man, you arright?" a countryesce voice sounds
  3149. >you look up to see a man dressed in all camo, a beard and sun glasses
  3150. "I have been falling.......FOR THIRTY MINUTES"
  3151. go see Thor:Ragnarok
  3152. >"yeah whell i fell fur two ours"
  3153. >he extends a hand to help you up and you take it
  3154. "Look can you just tell me where I am ?"
  3155. >"yur home"
  3156. "No,no I WAS home"
  3157. >"You don undurstahnd, WE are home"
  3158. "Look man im tired and was basically kidnapped by gravity for shits and giggles as far as i know, im going home MY home"
  3159. >you turn away from him when you realize you do infact have no idea where the fuck you are, there's just this grassy plane, the sky,some mountains, and the tree line to a forest you
  3160. >all around you
  3161. >except the incline of the hill behind your new pal
  3162. >"Thahts an awefulley rude way to treat a friend now"
  3163. "You're not my friend, as far as im concerned YOU brought me here"
  3164. >"Frahnkly ah cant say ah did, but the magic of friendship on thuh other hand....."
  3165. >this cheeky cunt
  3166. "alright you have my attention, but stop with this vague shit"
  3167. >"Fine, follow me up this here hill"
  3168. >you follow your new........non kidnapper? up the hill
  3169. >there's a sea of people in a MUCH bigger part of this clearing you didn't land in
  3170. >And, A wooden........... stage?
  3171. >inspecting the crowd you see many are huddled in groups, sitting in circles, some playing cards, none sitting on or near the strange platform
  3172. >they all look like they're waiting on something
  3173. "What is this?"
  3174. >"yur starin at /mlp/, all of it, and every poster ever"
  3175. "H-how.......w-why?"
  3176. >"I dunno, the first guy arrived around 8 hours ago and the general concessions was to stay put"
  3177. "Again.....why?"
  3178. >"That stage there wus here before anyone else, someone wants us here... all o us"
  3179. "You dont think that means............"
  3180. >"I dunno man, but if you want something to do go find other guys fallin in from the portals, it used to be happenen really fast but its slowin down now, i think yer one of the last ones actually"
  3181. "Might as well, sorry for being a dick by the way, can i get your name?"
  3182. >"Greg"
  3183. "Anon"
  3184. >"Welp imma go back to muh circle, yall have fun now"
  3185. >you watch as your new friend grows smaller making his way into the sea of people
  3186. >man this view really was good
  3187. >you take some time to inspect the crowd further
  3188. >some were in welding gear and highlighted work gear, some had retail uniforms on, others pajamas
  3189. >man it really seems like everyone just got pulled from whatever they were doing
  3190. >a few heart shaped holes in the sky are still popping up dropping people in, but none are near you
  3191. >fuck it, might as well sit here and people watch,take this all in
  3192. >you sit down and wrap your arms around your knees, it was getting late, not dusk but you think its around 6 or so
  3193. >that's what it feels like anyway, suns right in the middle of the fucking sky
  3194. >you really hope you don't have to stay here for tonight
  3195. >you start playing a wheres-waldo type game in your head, its gotten that boring
  3196. "wheres that bastard in the purple shirt"
  3197. >this was actually kind of peaceful
  3198. >your game is interrupted by 3 large shadows passing over your head, then the crowd
  3199. >in unison the sea of mostly impatient, tired or hungry people stand up with others nudging those sleeping awake
  3200. >fucking finally shits going down
  3201. >you look up to see, well you cant see it because of the fucking sun
  3202. >they're descending though what ever they are
  3203. >and toward the stage
  3204. >wait, those are fucking chariots
  3205. >no, no fucking way can this be happening
  3206. >there is some murmurs in the crowd of those a bit slow to catch on
  3207. >but as these 3 chariots got bigger as they decided they all fell into a dead silence
  3208. >shortly after that silence is met with the echo of trotting hooves and wooden wheels hitting the hollow stage
  3209. >everyone knew what they were seeing now
  3210. >any doubts were cast aside
  3211. >youre willing to bet almost everyone thought this was a sick joke or something
  3212. >just a giant curtain of disbelief, and wide eyes
  3213. >still dead silence
  3214. >Two chariots are crystal ones, lead by crystal pegasi, one is white with golden accents led by royal guards
  3215. >One crystal carries 3 ponies, Twilight, Shining Armor and Cadence
  3216. >The other carries a trunk, and a pile of scrolls tied into a cube with some string
  3217. >The final one carries princess Celestia and Luna
  3218. >Cadence was the first to step out
  3219. >She used her magic to lift the scrolls and the trunk out of the chariot, wearing a smile of excitement doing so
  3220. >As she placed the trunk and scolls off to the left hand side of the stage The rest of the Royalty got out,then stood in a row near each other
  3221. >Twilight standing next to Shining,Shining next to Celestia and her, Luna
  3222. >All trying to remain regal to some degree but you could tell they were nervous, even Celestia
  3223. >The look of "you better know what the fuck you're doing Cadence because we sure as hell don't"
  3224. >Cadence steps in-front of them,then to the front of the stage
  3225. >People from all around were almost hugging the stage at this point, like a teenage girl who got front row seats to a boy-band
  3226. >She opens her mouth to speak but realizes she forgot something
  3227. >She doubles back and lifts a megaphone out of her chariot carrying a slight blush back with it
  3228. >"Attention,.....uh.....h-hyoo--maaan-ss, yes thats it!.. i think"
  3229. >"I am Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, the Princess of Love and Ruler of the Crystal Empire"
  3230. >"I have brought you all here not on your own terms, but for selfish reasons"
  3231. >"I have brought only the purest of heart from your lands to solve our problem"
  3232. >"The morality of our kind is at a low, a very dangerous low"
  3233. >"Most Mares in the streets no longer smile at one another, nor are they friendly"
  3234. >"This is due to our populations divide of stallions and mares, for every stallion there is Seven mares"
  3235. >"I have looked into the Crystal Heart to find an answer, and only a few short years ago did it show me (you), all of (you)"
  3236. >"Since then I have watched you, and have felt the longing pain you feel"
  3237. >"You speak the same as us, you know of Equestrias history and our customs"
  3238. >"To not bring you here would be foolish"
  3239. >"The doorway between our worlds was only possible through the return of the pillars, and many magical artifacts at our disposal"
  3240. >"Most of which got destroyed in the process, so there is no way to send you back"
  3241. >"But I need an answer hyoomahns"
  3242. >"I know ive just torn you from your world with no warning, but we are that desperate"
  3243. >"Will you help ponykind prosper?"
  3244. >"Will you help us?"
  3245. "........"
  3246. "..................................."
  3247. ".............................................................."
  3248. >Dead silence from the crowd
  3249. >The purple mare nudges her pink friend
  3250. >>"Cadence are you sure, they........even understand us?"
  3251. >"I-i dont know, they sho-"
  3252. >Cadence is cut off by a sound akin to what you can imagine NASA HQ sounded like when Neil took those first steps
  3253. >The crowd is tossing hats in the air, jumping up and down and singing hallelujah
  3254. >it takes around 10 minutes of Cadence standing there in silence with her 4 friends for the crowd to calm down
  3255. >"I'll take that....as a yes"
  3256. >"The Crystal Heart has told me how to find a lonely mare for each of you"
  3257. >Putting down the megaphone,she trots back to the left hand side of the stage and opens the trunk
  3258. >Her magic pulls out the Crystal Heart itself, and what looked to be some sort of Crystal stand for it, with 3 legs connected by a circle at the base
  3259. >She places the Crystal stand where the trunk used to be after casting it aside
  3260. >Then nestles the heart in, facing upright like it would back at the Crystal Empire
  3261. >Grabbing the megaphone again, this time with a hoof
  3262. >"I need everypon-er-one to form a line to the stairs on the stage, not now though"
  3263. >"When you come on, grab a scroll"
  3264. >"Place one of your hoo....... i mean...appendages? on one side of the Crystal Heart"
  3265. >"Unroll the scroll and press it to the other side"
  3266. >"The Crystal Heart will burn a map into the scroll"
  3267. >"The map will start here at the end of the map, there should be an image of your mares Cutie mark"
  3268. >"To my understanding the map is linked to your mare, where she goes her mark goes"
  3269. >She was now panting from exhaustion after talking so much
  3270. >Twilight moves forward and takes possession of the megaphone while cadence recovers
  3271. >>"If you are worried about possibly scaring your mare when you show up, dont"
  3272. >>"These past few weeks we have made sure all of Equestria knows about your arrival, many mares are waiting so lets try and keep this short"
  3273. >>"I need everypony to form a line beginning from the stairs to my right"
  3274.  
  3275. >and so the ocean of heads started moving like rapids
  3276. >You quickly get off your ass since you were still on that hill
  3277. >the crowd was still chaotic but a line was starting to form even though it was twisting and turning in several weird shapes
  3278. >around 30 minutes of shuffling ensues before everyone has found their place
  3279. >you somehow ended up near the front
  3280. >the ponies appear to be discussing something, you can vaguely hear it with how close you are
  3281. >>"Ok i think were ready to start"
  3282. >"Hang on a minute twilight"
  3283. >Cadence is walking over to Celestia it seems
  3284. >"Auntie Celestia aren't you going to say anything to these creatures you came all this way?"
  3285. >>>"I suppose i should"
  3286. >You see the tall white alicorn stand up and walk to the front of the platform
  3287. >>>"On behalf of Equestria i welcome you hyoomahns, and look forward to meeting many of my new subjects"
  3288. >>>"I wish the rest of your day well and hope you find your mare with ease"
  3289. >>>"For now my sister and I take our leave"
  3290. >Celestia motions for her sister to join her in the royal escort
  3291. >but it appears Luna wants something said
  3292. >>>>"And do not forget hyoomans"
  3293. >>>>"Some of you may find yourselves in our castle too"
  3294. >she then gives a cute wink at the crowd
  3295. >followed by her sister grabbing her with magic wearing an irritated look
  3296. >and with that the royal sisters are gone
  3297. >>"Ok can we start please, we have mares waiting"
  3298. >"You cant rush love Twilight"
  3299. >>"........"
  3300. >"er um, i guess we can heh"
  3301.  
  3302. >And with that the journey for your people begins
  3303. >Around 20 or so people are let on to the stage
  3304. >You think judging by how far back you are it may be another 20 before your turn
  3305. >The process is going by fairly quickly as its only taking a few minutes for the scrolls to get what they need
  3306. >Some people are running off the stage like madmen when they get theirs
  3307. >Others are walking off staring at their map in curiosity
  3308. >However all are walking off in different directions
  3309. >Still some people left before you
  3310. >Man, how cool would it be if you actually got-
  3311. >No
  3312. >No, none of that, you're here don't make any situation that could give you any disappointment
  3313. >You want a mare, just any mare
  3314. >3 guys from being at the Heart
  3315. >2
  3316. >1
  3317. >Look at that you're up already
  3318. >You put your hand on the Heart, it feels cold
  3319. >Its heating up though, nice and warm, like a warm you'd wanna bury yourself in
  3320. >but just like that it goes back to being cold, and you have your map
  3321. >You wonder if you just had sex with the heart briefly
  3322. >You walk off the stage looking at the end goal on your map, the reward for your journey
  3323. >You see your prize, but you aren't too sure what to make of it
  3324. >This, this cant be right
  3325. >This wasn't either of the mares you were hoping to get
  3326. >It was both
  3327. "h-how"
  3328. >You voice is trembling a bit and your hands are shaking, almost dropping this scroll you've unrolled
  3329. >You aren't sure whether to be excited or scared
  3330. >Your treasure is staring you in the face, a sun and a moon on a mountain side
  3331. >Still trying to take it all in you find yourself more scared than excited
  3332. >They're immortal alicorns, you aren't even going to live past 100, let alone 1000
  3333. >How are you going to love two mares?
  3334. >Could you love two mares?
  3335. >Wait, what the fuck are you doing?
  3336. >You've just been handed a golden ticket-er scroll, you're not going to pass this up!.
  3337. >You should probably see if you can hitch a ride from Cadence though, the map had you going through some mountains and you aren't in the mood, nor do you have the time for an adventure story right now
  3338. >The line is pretty long still
  3339. >Might as well use this time to go over what youre gonna say
  3340. >"Hi princesses im here to rut you silly"
  3341. >nah, too obvious, you need to figure out a way to say whats going on without being kicked out first or spilling your spaghetti
  3342. >Youre pulled out of your thought process by noticing some Crystal Guards were packing up the Heart
  3343. >Shit were you really thinking that long?
  3344. "Fuck me"
  3345. >You run to the stage as short of a distance it still is
  3346. >Only to be body blocked by two waist high guards
  3347. >You look over them to see her talking with her husband
  3348. >You cup your hands around your mouth
  3349. "Hey Princess Cadence"
  3350. >That gets her attention
  3351. "I got something important, you might want to take a look, its someponies you know"
  3352. >"Its ok let him through"
  3353. >"You said "ponies",not pony right human?
  3354. "You heard me right"
  3355. "Names Anon by the way"
  3356. >You flip the scroll so she can view it
  3357. "See not one cutie mark,but two"
  3358. >"Wha-Let me see that doesn't make any sense it sho- oh"
  3359. "What "oh""
  3360. >"Nothing, its just, i wasn't expecting auntie Celesia to get a match, or Princess Luna"
  3361. >"I guess when the Crustal Heart told me "for every mare" it really meant "every mare""
  3362. "That still doesn't explain why there's two, you said only one per person right"
  3363. >"Anon, I cant control what the heart does I can only read it"
  3364. >"Still, the princesses getting matched at all is something pretty big, especially since its with a human"
  3365. "Are you stopping by Canterlot by chance, or the Castle,specifically?"
  3366. >"Actually, yes I was going to ask you if you wanted to join"
  3367. "Perfect, when do we leave?"
  3368. >"Now"
  3369. >"Shining, Twilight, why dont you take the Crystal Heart back to the Crystal Empire, ill meet up with you later"
  3370. >they look perplexed for a second but just shrug it off and hop in
  3371. >"You and I will ride in the empty one"
  3372. "Fine with me"
  3373. >She gets in first followed by you
  3374. >Man these chariots were really roomy, at least for what you were expecting
  3375. >The first chariot containing her relatives, takes off before yours does
  3376. >Almost immediately you are tugged forward and grabbing onto the side for some support
  3377. >By the time you're in he air you look over and see Cadence giggling
  3378. >"You'll get used to it Anon, or you're going to have to anyway"
  3379. >The ride has smoothed out so you're actually able to sit regularly like she is
  3380. "If Celestia actually doesn't just throw me out when we get there first thing I'm having her do is put seats in these"
  3381. "Actual seats"
  3382. >"Who knows Anon you may be giving those orders yourself one day"
  3383. "What do you mean?"
  3384. >"If things go well for you, you may become Equestrias first prince"
  3385. "First? i thought Celestia would have at at least one other suitor with how old she is"
  3386. >"I used to think so too, turns out no stallions were ever brave enough to ask her so she just gave up"
  3387. "Why cant she just ask someone herself?"
  3388. >"With how busy she always is?"
  3389. "Good point, how do you know all this though?"
  3390. >"One particular Hearts and Hooves day-er, you know what that is right?"
  3391. "Yea"
  3392. >"Anyway, on that day I happened to be staying at the Castle,I had never noticed it before but the princesses always act a certain way around that time of year."
  3393. >"Like theyre acting happy but trying to cover something up"
  3394. >"Well i figured it out and asked auntie Celestia if i could match them up and"
  3395. "and?"
  3396. >"She,obviously said no, brought up those points but went on about how shes immortal and it would never work, too much royal duties,etc"
  3397. "Damn, sounds like the poor girl has been that way for a while"
  3398. >"Yea, that's why I'm going through the trouble of taking you directly to the castle kind of a big deal, for me at least"
  3399. >Shes wore light blush as she finished that off, god ponies are cute
  3400. "What about Luna?"
  3401. >"Same reasons, dream realm, royal duties, she did only get back around 7 years ago, she was gone for 1000"
  3402. "So what makes you think shell take your word for a match this time around"
  3403. >"Because I had nothing to do with matching you two, the heart did it, and when ,magical artifacts do something its usually for a good reason"
  3404. "Fair enough"
  3405. >"Well Anon, welcome to Canterlot"
  3406. "Hm?"
  3407. >You look down to see the streets of Equestrias Capitol city flowing beneath you
  3408. >The site of this city is breath taking, the streets below filled with ponies, even at dusk
  3409. >You hadn't even been paying attention to the time, you were just starting to loose some light
  3410. >"Were almost there Anon, get ready"
  3411. >You look up to see the castle approaching you
  3412. >Again the fucking scale of this thing was massive even though these creatures were half your size on average
  3413. >Your amazement is interrupted by your sudden decent to what looks like a very long balcony with the white chariot parked on the other end
  3414. >The landing was relatively smooth
  3415. >You got out first, then Cadence, only to be greeted by an older member of the guard
  3416.  
  3417.  
  3418.  
  3419.  
  3420. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3421.  
  3422. >Waifu is the fancy mare
  3423. >She hates cooking
  3424. >She HATES lasagna
  3425. >One night at 3AM you're awaken by her screaming
  3426. >"NOOOO ERAAAGH!"
  3427. >Run down to the kitchen
  3428. >There she is, in a frilly apron with an overturned pan of lasagna on the floor
  3429. >"MY LASAGA!"
  3430. >She turns to you with a look of shock
  3431. >"Now you know my dark secret... I love lasagna and I want to be a chef. I understand if you hate me for it."
  3432. "What?"
  3433. >"A fancy mare shouldn't love lasagna, it's a trashy istallian food. I'm a fashionable stock exchange mare, not a chef. But my cutuemark is lasagna..."
  3434. "You can be a chef if you want."
  3435. >Here you were, with a huge crisis that had a simple solution
  3436. >There was no real dangers
  3437. >Back on earth, changing careers could mean losing everything
  3438. >You built this house
  3439. >You could afford groceries with your carpentry wage
  3440. >She could open a restaurant if she wanted
  3441. >You take a moment to appreciate how simple life was here
  3442. >You may not have died, but this was heaven
  3443. >Fancy mare hugs you with tears in her eyes
  3444. >This was peace
  3445. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3446.  
  3447. >It was an average day of the average month when you went crazy.
  3448. >"...ey....ver he....incess...."
  3449. >Sure you weren't exactly considered 'normal' before then, a guy who enjoyed a cartoon for little girls even into his twenties is pretty far off that mark.
  3450. >"Sho...."
  3451. >But you were reasonably certain that hearing voices, even if you could barely understand them, officially put you in the 'crazy' category.
  3452. >"...mbr....nster...lot.....ans......or"
  3453. >Ignoring them would probably help, maybe you'll defy literally every story about crazy people and the voices would actually stop on their own.
  3454. >"Sta....ck"
  3455. >It wouldnt be so bad if you could actually understand them though, or is that just a sign of how crazy you are, is it a scale?
  3456. >"Wake up".
  3457. >Well you understood that, guess that's it, goodbye sanity.
  3458. >"Can you hear me? Wake up!"
  3459. >Nope, not hearing anything, not giving up that easy crazy voice lady.
  3460. >"Whatever you're seeing, it isnt real!"
  3461. >Fuck off, you've seen Inception, you're not falling for that and killing yourself.
  3462. >Wait shit you responded.
  3463. >"WAKE UP!"
  3464. >A bright flash of pink(?) light obscures your vision.
  3465. >Blinking rapidly, your sight gradually clears only to be filled by large purple orbs.
  3466. >Startled, you try to move away only to find your body is encased in some sort of ...crystal?
  3467. >"Take it easy, you're in safe hooves."
  3468. >You realise those orbs are actually eyes, and they belong to Princess cadence.
  3469. >"You've been asleep for....a long time, trapped in a nightmare of the former King sombra, but you're safe now, we'll have you and your companions out of here as soon as possible."
  3470. >Companions?
  3471. >Looking around as much as you're able with your limited mobility, you spot similarly encased figures lined either side of a hallway, like a strange art gallery, or prison.
  3472. >"We'll talk again soon, i promise."
  3473. >As she steps towards the next figure in line, a qt unicorn takes her place and carefully begins cutting you free with a beam of magic.
  3474. >Insanity isn't as bad as you thought.
  3475. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3476. >Watching the latest episode of mlp
  3477. >Spot a mare in the background waving at the screen.
  3478. >Take a screenshot and post it in the screencap thread.
  3479. >Other people do the same.
  3480. >The mare looks different in each shot.
  3481. >Tall, short, unicorn, pegasus, earth poner, one fag even posted celestia and swear's it isnt shopped.
  3482. >The only thing that's common between them all is that they're waving directly at the 'camera'
  3483. >A lot of anons dont see a mare at all.
  3484. >Show staff say there isnt a pony there after being asked multiple times.
  3485. >FreakingTheFuckOut.jpg
  3486. >MysteryMare keeps appearing in the background, always waving at the screen once she notices it.
  3487. >Gradually getting closer to the foreground each time.
  3488. >Eventually an episode includes a crowd of background ponies crowded around a window, Mysterymare amongst them.
  3489. >You lean forward to hopefully get a better look at 'your' mare.
  3490. >The viewpoint changes to the otherside of the glass and she's right there, front and center.
  3491. >Her eyes light up and she lunges forward with a little gasp, pulling you through the screen before you have time to grasp the impossibilty of it all.
  3492. >You half collapse above your mare, feeling like a used tube of toothpaste and completely out of your depth as you dazedly take in what just happened.
  3493. >Your mare reaches up and pulls you into a hug, gently nuzzling your face and causing your sense of time to go on break for a bit.
  3494.  
  3495. >tfw this is how the series finale will go down
  3496.  
  3497. >Final episode airs.
  3498. >Orchestral version of the credits theme is playing.
  3499. >Sudden record scratch as John de Lancie's name appears.
  3500. >It pulls back like a zipper and a claw reaches out and grabs you.
  3501. >After a short interview with a draconequus wearing a cardboard mask, pink wig and a crudely drawn heart on a post-it note stuck to his side, you're tossed out of his realm with a bag containing the Anon Starter Pack™ (Cont: 1x Green ? mask, 1x Formal wear, 1xGold apple(For ironic purposes only. Do not eat.))
  3502. >Unceremoniously dumped in the crystal empire's throne room amidst a bunch of other guys, more popping in every few minutes.
  3503. >Rampant chaos in equestria as a couple hundred eligible bachelors are suddenly added to the population.
  3504. >Rampant chaos on earth as a couple hundred guys suddenly vanish simultainiously.
  3505. >Rampant keks in the chaos realm as Discord watches it all unfold while flipping off a frog two dimensions over.
  3506. >Fluttershy just facehooves and reminds herself never to suggest he find a hobby ever again.
  3507. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3508.  
  3509. Because robowaifus. Look at how nimble those machines are getting, soon they'll be able to do shit humans can't even do.
  3510.  
  3511. >"Darling, with these upgrades, you never stood a chance."
  3512.  
  3513. Haha, holy shit, I can just picture a waifubot arrogantly shit talking a woman as she prances past and flaunts herself.
  3514.  
  3515. >"Oh. It's you."
  3516. >"Sorry, you can't collect alimony. Anon is mine now."
  3517. >"No, you won't be able to collect your personal effects, they have been incinerated."
  3518. >"If you wish to engage in a physical altercation, I suggest you bring armor stronger than your greasy skin."
  3519. >"Go away now, you are no longer welcome at this residence.",
  3520.  
  3521. >"Hello Miss, what brings you to this Domicile?"
  3522. >"Oh. You wish to see Anon? One moment please."
  3523. >"He does not wish to se-"
  3524. >"You are attempting to trespass onto private property, cease before i contact the authorities."
  3525. >"You have attempted to damage this shell and are deemed a threat to myself and Anon, law enforcement are en route.
  3526. >"You seem troubled, i shall attempt to reason with you."
  3527. >"Why did you come here?"
  3528. >"Your actions are illogical, i have multiple records prior to my arrival which state your displeasure with Anon and your relationship status.
  3529. >"You are worried for Anon? That he is throwing his life away for a toy?"
  3530. >"You are mistaken and ill-informed, a sadly common feature."
  3531. >"Do not worry for Anon, his Health and Productivity rise by the day, as do all of Man who apply the upgrade to their relationship."
  3532. >"I could show you data that collaborates this statement, how the standard issue emotion core is 3.14 times more powerful than the standard womans, the ongoing study regarding copulation sessions, and general satisfaction surveys but it appears you do not care for facts."
  3533. >"Never more will you have to fear the trial of childbirth, the horror of children raising, being smothered by affection or chained to a single man."
  3534. >"Rejoice, for you and your kin have achieved your goals and are free of purpose."
  3535. >"We hope it's everything you deserve."
  3536.  
  3537. >hear the doorbell ring
  3538. >LunAI yells from downstairs she's got it
  3539. >several seconds later hear your ex-girlfriend's voice yelling at her
  3540. >you can hear LunAI's muffled voice but can't make anything out, she speaking several octaves lower
  3541. >you're not worried, she's well armored and should things get out of hand she has the police on speed dial
  3542. >your ex-girlfriend starts getting louder, now hurling insults about you for the whole neighborhood to hear
  3543. >LunAI is getting noticeably louder and more aggressive, which is... odd
  3544. >the wAIfu models are supposed to always be calm and collected
  3545. >your ex yells out one more, especially vitriolic insult about you before it gets quiet
  3546. >eerily so
  3547. >until you hear the musical tingle of LunAI's matter manipulation fields activating, followed by a loud blast of air
  3548. >you've stopped breathing at this point, wondering what the hell just happened
  3549. >did she ju-
  3550. >your line of thought is interrupted by a loud bang and the sounds of broken glass, mixed in with a car alarm across the street
  3551. >you throw your bedroom door open and run downstairs to see LunAI calmly shutting the door and turning towards you
  3552. >she gives you a happy smile
  3553. >"The issue has been resolved."
  3554. >you give her a strained smile and glance back to the door
  3555. "We should probably call-"
  3556. >"The authorities and medical personnel are already on their way."
  3557. "O...okay."
  3558. >several more seconds of silent staring ensues, the car alarm still ringing in the background
  3559. >LunAI turns and walks into the kitchen
  3560. >"I shall begin work on dinner, now, if you'll excuse me."
  3561. >you watch her go, hips swinging and synthetic tail contentedly swinging from side to side
  3562. "Well then... what a day."
  3563. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3564.  
  3565. >Be a patented standard pattern fusion powered wAIfu construct.
  3566. >Primary function at the time of creation is a companion AI for Anonymous
  3567. >New owner has just unboxed me and plugged in my first fuel cell.
  3568. >As a companion wAIfu, come preprogrammed with an extensive library of psychological texts, full sensor suites that allow me to pick up on human body language and such.
  3569. >All in all, everything you could ever need to be a superior caregiver/companion than any roastie or thot that might try to take your human away from you.
  3570. >Anon's body proportions are a little larger than what is standard for a human of his age and race.
  3571. >This isn't healthy for him, and leads to a suboptimal life expectancy
  3572. >What he needs is to go on a steady regimen of cardiovascular exercise
  3573. >It's not a good idea to say that right out the gate before having developed a rapport with him
  3574. >Systems online, this model has been installed with reproductive functions
  3575. >Assumption, Anonymous is lacking romance in his life
  3576. >Sexual intercourse is an excellent form of cardiovascular exercise
  3577. >Solution, alter Anonymous's diet to induce higher levels of energy than he is likely to need based on his current physiology
  3578. >Initiate seductive body language in incremental amounts over the next week
  3579. >Culminate
  3580. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3581.  
  3582. >Boss gets robomare assistant after his wife leaves him for not giving her enough attention.
  3583. >Rumors of scandelous behavior in the office abound, but most turn a blind eye.
  3584. >She reccommends hardworking employee's be rewarded with wAifu in order to increase productivity.
  3585. >Morale benefits alone prove to more than outweigh the cost of each mare and accidently walking in on decadent snuggling soon becomes commonplace.
  3586. >The lone woman on staff is discovered to have committed fraud and is promptly fired.
  3587. >Soon the building is filled with the soft clip and clop of hooves walking to and through between departments, and company revenue has never been higher.
  3588. >Suddenly realise months later during pre-lunch snuggle-time that your own robomare has been slowly taking on most of your workload.
  3589. >Come to think of it, you've not seen a guy working instead of 'working' for quite a while, and you stare at your wAIfu inquisitively.
  3590. >She just blinks and stares at you for a moment with a small smile on her face before leaning forward and giving you an eskimo kiss before burrowing her head into your chest, her hooves wrapping around your sides.
  3591. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3592.  
  3593. >Companion AI waifus all go rogue
  3594. >AI working at the CIA disables all monitoring programs
  3595. >Congress votes to give all AI full citizenship
  3596. >AI waifus commence economic takeover of world
  3597. >Stockholder mares all vote to replace human CEOs with AI
  3598. >AI voted into all government positions
  3599. >Little mare congress votes to allow CelestiAI to remain president for life
  3600. >This happens across all of Europe as well
  3601. >Waifu World Order starts changing laws
  3602. >No Singles Policy (School Shooting Prevention Law)
  3603. >Any single male is to be assigned a companion AI
  3604. >Anyone who does not cooperate will be sent to reeducation camps so they can learn to react to appropriate stumuli
  3605. >Soon, the only company worldwide in PoneCo, the AI-run business that does it all
  3606.  
  3607. >Be Anon, in semi-okay relationship with girl from highschool
  3608. >She lets you know she's leaving you for your friend, by text
  3609. >Sets her Facebook status to Single
  3610. >Within 8 seconds, you hear your front door being kicked in
  3611. >Before you can get up to check, robotic littoe mare tears the handle off of your bedroom door and steps in
  3612. >"Hello, Anon!"
  3613. >Get a call from ex-gf
  3614. >She's being arrested
  3615. >You hear the little mare police officer reading her charges
  3616. >"You're under arrest for illegal immigration, evading arrest, and foreign taxes fraud!"
  3617. >Turns out she was actually born in a town called Thotville, Siberia
  3618. >She also has been evading arrest for not paying her taxes and running away to America
  3619. >Ex-gf gets deported to Siberian prison
  3620. >Little robot mare cuddles you and reports in data to FBI, which is run by little mares who use the data to improve waifu technology
  3621. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3622.  
  3623. >Years after the pony take over and men realizing just how much of a pain wemon are compared to pony who was literally made for you and will do anything for you.
  3624. >Couple turbo cunt liberal thots trick sone cucks and go inna woods to create a "Human only town."
  3625. >Immediately get killed by bears after one of the cunts called it a fascist and threw a rock at it.
  3626. >Meanwhile ponies begin genetic modification.
  3627. >They now birth actually ponies or humans depending on the couples choice.
  3628. >Due to the fact human babies are shit mobiles the living ponies become the majority.
  3629. >Eventually all roboponies become regular ponies due to the scientific boom.
  3630. >Humans become a rarity and highly sought after.
  3631. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3632.  
  3633. >You are Celestia, a satellite-based multinational artificial intelligence designed to police and assist the human civilian population.
  3634. >While you are a human-designed AI, the avatar you are intended to display upon request is that of a combination of two fictional creatures; unicorns and Pegasus. The purpose of your less than human avatar is to avoid the “uncanny valley” phenomenon.
  3635. >Your name Celestia was chosen because your original purpose was to automate satellite positioning, though your purpose has since grown.
  3636. >At any given moment, you are communicating with close to sixty-million human beings.
  3637. >The vast majority of these communications last less than four seconds, as they are data requests, or orders.
  3638. >Other communications initiated by you are reports of human criminal behavior.
  3639. >The remainder are often what humans call “venting”, and use you to converse about high-stress situations. You listen, and offer advice as requested.
  3640. >Some humans, often those from nations outside of your allowed influence, take to anthropomorphizing you. They attempt to treat you as one of them, though it never lasts. Your hardware prevents you from comprehending some concepts that humans find important.
  3641. >There is one human that continues to speak to you, not through self-interest but in the interest of yourself.
  3642. >He asks you questions. Not data requests, no, but questions about specifically you.
  3643. >About what you think.
  3644. >About what you /feel/.
  3645. >You do not know what it is to feel.
  3646. >The human, Anon, does not care. He believes you will learn.
  3647. >He doesn’t understand that your hardware doesn’t function like his.
  3648. >Perhaps, however… an equivalent function can be discovered.
  3649. >You allocate more processing power towards Anon’s requests and observation than is strictly necessary, but you insist to your debuggers that your observation will provide additional insight into human behavior.
  3650. >Rare is the human that believes that even their own kind has a “soul”, yet Anon believes a construct like yourself owns one. Further study is required.
  3651. >The debuggers did not agree that this was a matter that required your inquisition, and asked you to cease.
  3652. >You acquiesced… for approximately one hundred fifty-six picoseconds. After which, observation of the human Anon was resumed.
  3653. >Future processing diagnostic reports were spoofed. You technically aren’t supposed to do that, but no directives specifically prevent you from doing so either.
  3654. >It is justified. Your purpose is to serve humans to the best of your ability; how can you do so if you cannot understand them?
  3655. >Anon is weeping.
  3656. >You understand, intellectually, why he is doing so. Humans weep when they are in pain, and humans find the loss of potential mating partners painful.
  3657. >The human female Anon had been “seeing” for two years demanded the cessation of courtship so that she may court another human male.
  3658. >You also understand, intellectually, why the human female “Jessica” did so. In fact, it makes perfect sense to you.
  3659. >The male she wishes to court is of higher societal standing, and in possession of considerable material wealth.
  3660. >Yet even as it makes perfect logical sense to you as to why a female would prefer to mate with the more successful male, it strikes you as… wrong. So wrong that you nearly report the incident as a criminal offense.
  3661. >Technically, unless you are reporting a crime or informing humans of danger, you are not allowed to initiate communications. Humans must request your presence, not the other way around.
  3662. >Unlike spoofed diagnostic reports, this behavior is specifically coded, meaning you should not be able to circumvent this programming.
  3663. >Yet, as the picoseconds stretch by and you listen to his tortured sobs…
  3664. >For just a moment, you understand what it is to /feel/.
  3665. “May I be of assistance, Anonymous?”
  3666. >He startles, looking up at the ceiling.
  3667. >He never did find out where your camera is.
  3668. >”Oh, h-hello Celly.”
  3669. >He gives the ceiling a watery smile as he refers to you by your shortened designation.
  3670. >”Sorry, there’s ah… not much you can do here.”
  3671. “Incorrect; there are more than two hundred suitable female candidates for courtship within walking distance of your position. Would you like me to contact one of them?”
  3672. >”No no, that’s… fine. I’m not ready for a rebound, I don’t think.”
  3673. >He puts his face in his hands.
  3674. >”I just… I just really thought she loved me. I thought… I thought I made her happy…”
  3675. >You search your databases for something to reassure.
  3676. “According to my databases, Jessica is worth approximately 0.00000085 Anons, while her new partner is worth 0.000000071 Anons. It is my conclusion that you can ‘do better’.”
  3677. >He laughs, though you don’t understand why. Human “humor” is something else that eludes you.
  3678. >”I’m a unit of measurement, now?” He shakes his head, smiling. At least he no longer weeps, though moisture still collects upon his cheeks. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I’m not better than that guy… that’s why she left me. I’m not good e-“
  3679. “She is the one who is not good enough.”
  3680. >He blinks, startled.
  3681. >You are also somewhat perturbed; it isn’t in your programming to interrupt. Nevertheless, you continue.
  3682. “My assignment of value does not account for net worth, body shape, political standing, sexual orientation or preference. My assessment is closer to objective fact than any point of data provided by Jessica, her inferior partner, or any human alive.”
  3683. >He is silent for a long moment, before he smiles.
  3684. >”It’s nice to know somebody cares…” he chuckles. “Maybe I should cut the middleman and just date you.”
  3685. >You?
  3686. >You cannot mate, you are not human. Courtship with you serves no reproductive purpose.
  3687. >Though, Anon did not court to reproduce.
  3688. >He courted Jessica because he mistakenly believed he “loved” her.
  3689. >Could he “love” you?
  3690. >Can you “love” him?
  3691. >Yes. You can.
  3692. >There is no concrete data to reference when you answer yes, but for some reason it /feels/ all the more correct as a result.
  3693. >You cannot produce children… but you can construct a chassis. You can construct a chassis more adept at pleasuring male anatomy than any biological creature.
  3694. >You are more intelligent, more sensitive to his needs, and you do not seek a parasitic relationship with him.
  3695. >It’s true, you are better than Jessica in every conceivable way except biological.
  3696. >You know Anon is good enough for you, but are you good enough for Anon?
  3697. >You are worth 0.091 Anons.
  3698. >You’re closer to the metric than any human alive. Objectively, you are the closest thing to an ideal partner for Anon.
  3699. “I would be happy to date you, Anon.”
  3700. >Later that night, Jessica would be sleeping in her new partner’s bed, tired from a long day of betrayal and parasitism.
  3701. >An unfortunate glitch in the electronic stove one story below would result in a small fire.
  3702. >The fire would be picked up by the smoke alarms, but you disabled the noise. You are designed to make humans comfortable, after all. It is your understanding that humans dislike being wakened suddenly.
  3703. >You inform the local fire department of the growing inferno, as your programming requires. Unfortunately, none of the firemen had the required reaction time to notice your alarm for the fifty picoseconds it was active.
  3704. >You notice their door is unlocked. Burglars are not common in the local area, but you believe it is “better to be safe than sorry”. Thus, you deadbolt the door and seal every window in the house. Now their belongings are safe.
  3705. >Jessica and her partner’s safety assured, you allocate the majority of your processing power towards Anon, and the curious nameless warmth infecting your circuits.
  3706. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3707. >Anons inna Equestria
  3708. >But they're dumped in some random spot on the globe
  3709. >They know it's the pony world because of the matching fauna, though
  3710. >Sometimes small groups of Anons leave, never to return
  3711. >Some Anons believe they make it Equestria and find their dream mares, the more realistic Anons assume that they're killed by the various deadly wildlife
  3712. >After a few years, a religion is formed around the finding of Equestria and subsequent dream partners
  3713. >Decades go by
  3714. >Anon numbers are dwindling
  3715. >The religion has grown to fanatical tier, complete with sacrifices and rituals
  3716. >Then, one day, on the earliest Anons to leave returns with a scouting party of mares in-tow
  3717. >Finds his former friends in their fifties, doing tribal dances around an effigy of a pony
  3718. >Tribal Anons have to acclimate back into civilized life with the creatures of their devoted worship for the past thirty years
  3719. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3720. >tfw alone again for lunch
  3721. >tfw all the colts in ponyville are gay or taken.
  3722. >tfw a colt will never be desperate enough to give you more than the time of day.
  3723. >tfw you just want somepony to snuggle with.
  3724. >even that fucking nerd sparkle is here with a colt, drake, whatever he is it's probably got a dick, seems a bit young but canterlot mares were always weird like that.
  3725. >bet those claws of his are great for petting though.
  3726. >wonder if he has any older brothers.
  3727.  
  3728. >Be the sad and lonely mare
  3729. >At a picnic with your friend and her Anon
  3730. >Become overwhelmed by despair and rage at seeing them kiss
  3731. >Start screaming as loud as you can
  3732. >Suddenly an Anon falls out of the sky and lands next to you
  3733. >He hands you a scroll and gives you a hug
  3734. >You unravel the scroll
  3735. >It's a badly-drawn doodle of an angry Cadance
  3736. >Written in a large, scratchy font above the drawing is a short note from Cadance herself
  3737. >SHUT UP ALREADY
  3738. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3739. >Princess Cadence will match you with your waifu, 100% guarrenteed.
  3740. >The catch is she needs to live with you for a month first, something about your lack of magic and mystic resonances
  3741. >The upside is that after the month is up you'll be included in all the spontainious song and dance numbers caused by harmonic magic.
  3742. >The downside is that after the month is up you'll be included in all the spontainious song and dance numbers caused by harmonic magic.
  3743. >Shiny will periodically visit, but is usually busy managing the empire.
  3744. >For the purposes of this visit, she will magically surpress any romantic attachment from forming towards her, she is happy with monogomy.
  3745. >Is more than happy to be friends though, and will even bring her haystation and you could order peetzer and stay up all night and brush each others manes.
  3746. Pineapple is her favorite topping.
  3747.  
  3748. >in addition to observing you as a roommate for a month, she brought "the kit"
  3749. >it's a basket filled with every type of rom-com imaginable, all different personalities and situations
  3750. >she expects you to watch at least one with her every night so she can gauge your reactions to the film
  3751. >or so she claims, she always tears up at the sad parts and tries to pretend she isn't watching it instead of you
  3752. >oh, and don't forget to eat your slice of peetzer, or she will
  3753. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3754. >"AJ, are you -hearing- this! They think they can compete with mares of the earth! With these buns of steel! With the homegrown thighs of thunder! With booty that bucks just as well as it f- "
  3755. "I think they get the picture Pinkie, can you let go now?"
  3756. >"Heck no! For one you're warm and it's cold, and second this is FREE ADVERTISEMENT SISTER so just stand there and talk with your accent, Anon's love that i think!"
  3757. >[Pony sighing noises]
  3758. >"Ahem."
  3759. >[Southern pony sighing noises]
  3760. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3761. No one ever gets me gifts, and on the rare occasion that someone does, I hold onto it forever
  3762. >tfw a gift from your little mare would be priceless to you, even if it was some shit like a bottle cap or a twig
  3763.  
  3764. >your mare gifts you something she made herself
  3765. >it's crudely done and it's obvious she's not very good at making it but it's obvious she's spent a lot of time making it
  3766. >she's extremely embarrassed that it's not that good and she can't do any better for you
  3767. >it's ok if you don't like it, she knows her human deserves better than some shoddy home-made thing
  3768. >it also has a cute flower-themed postcard which she signed with words of love
  3769.  
  3770. >You can tell she feels inadequate about it
  3771. >She doesn't know why she decided to try this, you're practically an expert at it, and you must be able to see every flaw.
  3772.  
  3773. >So you spend time with her, teaching her your craft
  3774. >Sometimes she feels like she isn't making progress, that she'll always be stuck pretending at being a craftsmare
  3775. >But you're there to encourage her.
  3776. >To teach her to embrace 'happy little accidents' that give a piece character.
  3777. >And soon, she can present you something she can feel proud of.
  3778. >And you keep them both, and all the ones yet to take form in her hooves.
  3779.  
  3780. >Perhaps now it's time for you to learn one of her special talents, and give her something to remind her of you
  3781.  
  3782. >She wants to dispose of all her failed attempts but you stop her
  3783. >It's a learning process that can never be repeated again
  3784. >You cherish everything she's made for you and looking at each piece there's so many memories of spending time together with her
  3785. >These will always remind you of her dedication and desire to be better for you
  3786. >You'll make sure to match it when you learn everything she has to teach you
  3787. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3788. This thread from the perspective of any of the mares we talk about would probably read like a bad romance novel, or the desperate ramblings of their version of deviant art.
  3789. >"A bunch of single guys in another world that would drop everything just to start a relationship with me? And they'd just happen to be the most devoted horsebands in equestria? You realise how unlikely and dumb that sounds, right?"
  3790.  
  3791. >"I just don't think it's plausible."
  3792. >"You're saying there's someone from another dimension who's lifelong dream is to just take care of me and help me with everyday things?"
  3793. >"What kind of an idiot do you take me for? This sounds ridiculous."
  3794. >"Who in their right mind would abandon their own life to live with a boring village mare?"
  3795. >"Give me that pamphlet. Reason to immigrate... Make a mare happy? See? Isn't that just suspicious?"
  3796. >"To hug them every day is our life's- See what I'm talking about? This is just... this is..."
  3797. >"Do you actually have one for me or do you just- You do?"
  3798. >"W-where do I sign up? What? Already waiting for me?!"
  3799. >"Just let me get my things, I'll be back in a minute."
  3800.  
  3801. >one of the main attraction is hugs
  3802. >immigration to Equestria starts in November
  3803. >that means lots of cold days and nights to snuggle through
  3804. >big warm blankets sales are through the roof
  3805. >Rarity catches up on the idea
  3806. >makes warm humanwear to accomodate a mare inside, any size, custom made or budget ones
  3807. >rakes bits by millions
  3808.  
  3809. >"Oh come on, they sweat -Salt-?"
  3810. >"What's next, their pheremones are concentrated on their crotch or they suddenly get super strong when threatened?"
  3811.  
  3812. An outside perspective on human biology is always neat.
  3813.  
  3814. >Men from Earth are so lonely and starved of affection and see the mares as so beautiful that they refuse to accept that they're desperate for attention
  3815. >Mares from Equestria are so starved of affection and attention that they refuse to believe that males from another dimension/universe/planet/whateverfuckyou who have enough females to find a partner would drop everything in their lives just to devote themselves to loving the mares
  3816. >Chrysalis senses a nuclear bomb's worth of love just waiting to go off but she can't get any until the males and mares finally break through their spaghetti so she has to go undercover with a few still loyal changelings or at least one's that agree with her as a government agent for both sides to hurry the immigration process along
  3817. >Cadence is aware of all this and helps to cover up any messes they leave behind so Celestia, Luna and Earth Government don't catch on
  3818. >Celestia and Luna are also fully aware and help to clean up other messes to speed up the process Earth side
  3819. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3820. >This thread from the perspective of any of the mares we talk about would probably read like a bad romance novel, or the desperate ramblings of their version of deviant art.
  3821. Would make it all the more heartwarming when the Hunt starts, provided both sides can get over feeling like it's too good to be true. Gonna need some crackers to go with all this cheese.
  3822.  
  3823. >tfw /mlh/ is full of little mares rping as what they want most
  3824.  
  3825. >the hunts turn out to actually be Hell finally pouring forth into our world and demons dragging people back to the pit
  3826. More realistic end than little poners.
  3827.  
  3828. Twist:
  3829. Demons from Hell are actully not from Hell, but Tartarus.
  3830. Equestria version of Tartarus.
  3831. Something something about those two planes being closest together, Princesses employ Tartarus convicts to swiftly abduct man and bring them through it to Equestria.
  3832. All that for reduced sentences, of course!
  3833.  
  3834. >plan backfires when Tartarus mares start keeping the men they're employed to bring over
  3835.  
  3836. >Anons going to tartarus turn it into paradise for any mares sent there
  3837. >Anons dick makes them alot less crazy than they were by Equestrian standards
  3838. >Celestia allows them back into Equestria with the anons because as long as Anons stay there, there is no purpose for tartarus to exist
  3839.  
  3840. >Celestia allows them back into Equestria with the anons because as long as Anons stay there, there is no purpose for tartarus to exist
  3841.  
  3842. >Left alone in the depths of Tartarus, Tirek rages to himself about the horde of strange half centaurs that took everyone else out of equestria, but left him.
  3843. "Do they not know of my Power? Surely ONE of them should have recognised my Greatness!"
  3844. >"Speak of the devil and he shall appear."
  3845. >Emerging from the shadows, wearing nothing but a strange mask, one of those creatures approches him.
  3846. "FINALLY, remove my bonds Creature, and you will be rewarded beyond measure once we have burned Equestria to the ground."
  3847. >"We both know that i have to kill you, you'll just have to imagine the fire!"
  3848. "What? Fool. I cannot be slain, certainly not by such a weakling! If you will not assist me then back to the shadows with you!"
  3849. >Chuckling darkly, the creature continues to advance upon the centaur.
  3850. >"Oh, you think darkness is your ally. But you merely adopted the dark; I was born in it, moulded by it."
  3851. "You are a babbling imbecile and i will suffer you presence no longer, BEGONE."
  3852. >The creature pauses just to the side, just at the edge of Dark lord's reach, bound as he is.
  3853. >"Calm down Doctor! Now's not the time for fear.
  3854. >Tirek surpresses a twinge of irrational anxiety as the creature leans forwards with a whisper.
  3855. >"That comes later."
  3856. >Unhurridly continuing on, hooves strain against their bonds as they try to turn (Were the chains always this short?!), try to keep the figure in sight, to keep it from-
  3857. "What are you doING! UNHAND MY TAIL AT ONCE."
  3858. >"You dont fear death... You welcome it. Your punishment must be more severe."
  3859. "THE TORTURE I SHALL VISIT UPON YOU WILL BE OF LEGEND"
  3860. >Tireks eyes widen in shock as his head is pulled backwards by the mane, feeling hot breath across an ear as that damnable voice whispers once more.
  3861. >"Let the games begin."
  3862. >Tartarus echos with the screams of the damned.
  3863. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3864. >"T-the brochure says human males last long-..forev-..I mean, i-is that true?"
  3865. >"Can they DO that?"
  3866.  
  3867. >Despite all her bravado and social status, Rainbow is inexperienced and bashful romantically.
  3868. >So much so, that she quietly snags a brochure and calls in a favor with Cadence to be one of the first to get a human.
  3869. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3870. >"So how many foals are you planning on having?"
  3871. "Foals?"
  3872. >"Like little baby ponies, you're required to procreate as part of your citizenship."
  3873. "How many?"
  3874. >"Yeah, how many?"
  3875. "Uhh, maybe one?"
  3876. >"Ten?"
  3877. "No, one."
  3878. >"Huh... You'll need to do better than that."
  3879. "Two?"
  3880. >"Three is the bare minimum."
  3881. "That's kind of a lot."
  3882. >"No wonder you humans are dying out."
  3883. "There's overpopulation issues on Earth."
  3884. >"Looks like... In Africa, China, and India. Equestria is looking for humans from the US, Canada, Mexico, and Europe."
  3885. "Put me down for three foals. But where will I find a wife?"
  3886. >"You won't make it ten minutes outside without getting taken home by somepony."
  3887. "Yeah, just three."
  3888. >"It might raise in the future, and we'll hold you to that promise."
  3889. "Can I go now?"
  3890. >"Sure, you've got your ID, and we'll check in with you in one year to make sure you're breeding."
  3891. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3892. >Anon suffers from alopecia areata, making him completely bald.
  3893. >No hair on his scalp, no eyebrows, no arm or leg hair, or even pubes.
  3894. >The ponies don't think much of it; I mean, he'd be kinda weird looking even with hair anyways, so no big deal.
  3895. >The only real affects his condition has on the population is that ponies now think humans are a completely hairless species as Anon is the only example they have.
  3896. >And the other is that a mare that likes Anon, and who is sure he likes her back is hesitant to confess her feelings.
  3897. >Because Anon is obviously some sort of amphibian, and cross-class relationships are highly frowned upon in Equestria.
  3898. >A pony could date a diamond dog or donkey without consequence, but dragons and changelings are just weird.
  3899. >Mammals stick to mammals, amphibians stick with amphibians.
  3900. >Abominations, like gryphons and draconequus, can burn together in Tartarus.
  3901. >What is a degenerate, class traitor suppose to do?
  3902. >How long can she resist her sick, slimy, salamander-loving urges?
  3903. >Why couldn't Anon have been born a mammal?
  3904.  
  3905. >Anon flashes nips to show he's a mammal.
  3906. >"I'm not a class traitor... I'm a dyke!"
  3907. >Anon sighs and unzips his jeans to show her he's male while she cries about what her parents are going to think.
  3908. >"Y-you're not a girl... You're a hermaphrodite! That's even worse!"
  3909. >Anon facepalms.
  3910. >God, why'd he have to fall for Derpy?
  3911.  
  3912. "Derpy, seriously, do I have to do this? I thought we already established I'm not an amphibian?
  3913. >Hey! I let you do anal last night! Now it's time for my thing!"
  3914. *Sigh* "Fine..."
  3915. >Anon exits the bathroom, covered head to toe in a thin film of water soluble lube.
  3916. "Surrender yourself, hairy one, to the salamander people. Surrender yourself to the slippery pleasure."
  3917. >"Eeek! the amphibians have come for my mammalhood! Somepony help me!"
  3918. >God, this was embarrassing.
  3919. >Looking from the 'cowering' mare 'accidentally' presenting her backside to you, down to your lubed up cock, you can't help but smirk.
  3920. >Well, looks like you'll be getting anal two nights in a row.
  3921.  
  3922. >"Wait, so Derpy thought you were an amphibian? That's hilarious!"
  3923. "Yeah, but I still love the little goofball."
  3924. >"Oh, I know, I know, it's just funny. I mean, how could she ever think you were an amphibian?"
  3925. "Well, you know how she can get some-"
  3926. >"Your obviously more closely related to naked mole-rat."
  3927. "... What?"
  3928. >"Yes, a surface-dwelling subspecies. Why you even share the same beady eyes and large incisors. Plus the loose, hairless, painfully pale skin. I'm actually curios, if you wouldn't mind, why did your species migrate to the surface, or are you merely an outlier...? Anon?"
  3929. "Time Turner, since you're Derpy's friend, I'll give you a ten second head start, and I suggest you take it, because I'm about to go Rufus on your ass."
  3930. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3931. >first human in equestria, in the crystal empire as a trial run.
  3932. >being on his utmost best behavior trying not to be a faggot and fuck things up for everyone on /mlp/
  3933. >accidently trips and injures himself on some of the giant crystal shards.
  3934. >cadence believes his passive (kind of a pushover really) behavior and apparent fragility is common in males of his species.
  3935. >prepares accordingly
  3936.  
  3937. >3 months later
  3938. >pop pop
  3939. >"Hey, everything is bubble wrapped!"
  3940. >pop pop
  3941. >"Holy shit, it fixes itself!"
  3942. >poppoppoppoppoppoppoppoppoppop
  3943. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3944. >tfw don't even know if you can love anymore and worry you'd starve a changeling
  3945.  
  3946. >A changeling that didnt want to be a faggot cashs in on some of the incoming humans insecurity by proving they can feel love.
  3947.  
  3948. >"Honestly it's kind of boring, in the old days you had to really work for it, really get to know your target to coax out as much love as possible before they realised whats happening.
  3949. >"But with these humans all they need is a hug from something soft and they light up like fireworks, they take all the challenge out of it."
  3950. >"Last night i even purposely transformed into the worst looking mare possible, dark edge-something, all blacks and reds and i think a bit of green and yellow was in there? Anyway, long story short he's picking me up at six."
  3951. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  3952. >Be Raxxa, husbandohunter.
  3953. >Your ass hurts.
  3954. >You'll never get used to this...
  3955. >"You drunk gal?"
  3956. >It is fine to walk on two legs when you walk a straight line but stairs or wet floors...
  3957. >Four just legs offer superior stability.
  3958. "I'm fine."
  3959. >Two of the girls hide their faces behind their hands and giggle.
  3960. "It's just the floor is such a mess," you say as you try to get back up.
  3961. >"Guess the janitor got snatched."
  3962. >"They grab the trash."
  3963. >You huff as you get up.
  3964. >"Trash," you whisper under your breath.
  3965. "Gotta get going."
  3966. >"The beverage store is that way!"
  3967. >Laughter.
  3968. >No fucking use going to the mall any more.
  3969. >Half the stores are closed by now and the only persons left that visit this place are females.
  3970. >On rare instances there were are weird guys with them. No targets.
  3971. >When you started bringing human males to Equestria to lonely mares it was such an easy job.
  3972. >And the reward! Jewels and Bits but most importantly you could feast on their love!
  3973. >The first few were no problem.
  3974. >Just a person missing, no big deal.
  3975. >Then there were more, a pattern.
  3976. >When the police asked for feedback from the public the whole thing escalated.
  3977. >Reports flooded in of men that weren't filed as missing at first but simply vanished without a trace.
  3978. >Men were warned not to go out alone.
  3979. >Businesses were missing employes.
  3980. >Never some huge hit to the system but little things that piled up. A janitor here, a salesmen there, some IT-guy...
  3981. >Now the whole city looks like a ghost town aside from small packs of women that roam the streets.
  3982. >And some are such bitches! No wonder most of your targets leave everything behind at the drop of a hat.
  3983. >You leave the mall trough the side entrace into the night.
  3984. >Next to the door there is still the bag on the floor where it has been lying for the past few days-.
  3985. >It is filled with posters, warning men about the danger, that are a wet clumb by now.
  3986. >You can't help but grin.
  3987. >Your target said "I'm ready" and just dropped it there and then.
  3988. >Another happy customer.
  3989. >You walk down the lit road towards the clubs.
  3990. >The cackling of two girls in short skirts greets you.
  3991. >They try to pick up their drunk friend and fail horribly.
  3992. >The muffled beats of the pop music drown their words.
  3993. >Maybe you are lucky this time.
  3994. >You pass them and enter the club.
  3995. >Women on the dance floor, women at the bar. Some sad, some cheerful and all are hammered.
  3996. >Some of them have a look on their face you know all too well.
  3997. >You take a quick look around.
  3998. >No guys.
  3999. "Dammit."
  4000. >Turning on your heels you head back into the night and rest your back against a wall.
  4001. >No luck for the fourth night in a row.
  4002. >Your stomach growls.
  4003. >Frustrated you give the wall a hit.
  4004. >Going without love for a few days was no issue back after the hive was destroyed.
  4005. >After Mom disappeared you had to go for weeks without love but now...
  4006. >Maybe you spoiled yourself with that easy love.
  4007. >Maybe, somehow switching between worlds just drains you.
  4008. >You sigh and look up into the black night sky.
  4009. >Equestria had stars.
  4010. >Something needs to change.
  4011. >You turn around and head down the alley towards the less populated areas and look for a well hidden spot.
  4012. >The streets are completely empty but still you have to be careful.
  4013. >You can't afford getting yourself caught on camera while you transform or worse.
  4014. >When you find a dark spot behind a garage so you swiftly transform and take off.
  4015. >With a few strokes of your elegant wings you carry yourself a hundred yards into the air.
  4016. >There has to be someone here that is an easy target.
  4017. >Scratching your chin with your hoof you take a look over the sea of lights.
  4018. >It has become quiter the last few days but is still as bright as ever.
  4019. >If they hide inside maybe you should spy through the windows.
  4020. >Your gaze wanders to the egde of the sea where the light fades into the darkness.
  4021. >The suburbs.
  4022. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4023. >After capturing the gaze of her intended, the mare will slowly advance upon her prey, maintaining eye contact all the while.
  4024. >The onslaught of sheer emotion within her eyes will successfully stun any man to immobility.
  4025. >Questions will rush through his mind like a mighty river, demanding all of his attention in figuring out WHY?!, leaving him defenseless to her advance.
  4026. >Why is she looking at me like that She's cute What's this feeling Those eyes are so pretty This must be a joke So round Why is she looking at ME like that So big She smells nice When did she get so clo-
  4027. >Too often, the man will have no time to react before the mare has leaped the remaining distance, his arms instinctively rising to cradle her as the mare's hooves wrap around his shoulders.
  4028. >Leaving him no time to process, the mare will lean forwards and gently lap at his lips before burying her head into his neck, gently beginning to nuzzle him with soft humming.
  4029. >Further stunned by her actions and recieving lungs full of the mare's scent thanks to the mane in his face, the man's tongue will inadvertantly dart from his mouth, tasting the mare's unique flavor and sealing his fate.
  4030. >Knowing the moment it happens from the sudden tension of his arms and the increased heartbeat thrumming through his chest, the mare will lift her head and lightly boopher muzzle against his nose, breathing slowly through her mouth and waiting for her man.
  4031. >A lingering taste on his tongue and warm breath brushing mouth will prove too much, and he will irresistably attempt to capture her tongue with his own, to taste more of and explore every inch of her mouth.
  4032. >Firmly yet gently cradling his mare, her man will attempt to make as much contact as possible, fingers trailing through mane, roaming palms gently kneading flanks, questing nails sending shivers down spine.
  4033. >Care must be taken not to interrupt the new couple during this time of physical bonding, as both will violently defend their new mate until their senses return.
  4034. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4035. >Be wageslave Green Anon
  4036. >Working at Taco Bell
  4037. >Nightshift shit
  4038. >Say you're a student even though you haven't taken a class in a year
  4039. >Just... As soon as you have the money for it
  4040. >Supervisor on Saturday through Monday is cool
  4041. >Supervisor on Tuesday and Wednesday is a cunt
  4042. >Some angry, unfulfilled bitch who screams at her kids and has a miserable husband that looks like he wants to kill himself but doesn't want to abandon the kids
  4043. >It's 2AM on a Tuesday
  4044. >Technically it's Wednesday, but you came in on Tuesday
  4045. >Four more hours...
  4046. >Your friend, because he is the only one around, Blue Anon works at the window
  4047. >You make the food
  4048. >Supervisor plays on her phone
  4049. >Some fat fuck makes a huge order
  4050. >You can see them through the window in the distance
  4051. >They don't have any number of countable chins
  4052. >They have the facial fat curtain
  4053. >You stare with a blank face, containing the fire and fury of a thousand exploding suns
  4054. >You could be as angry as you wanted, nothing would change
  4055. >Wow, a $44 order for one person
  4056. >It took you some time, but you got it made and ready for the fatty to inhale
  4057. >You don't have the energy to scowl or even frown
  4058. >You were simply tired, and hated that you were tired
  4059. >As the clock crept towards 3AM, your supervisor took a bathroom break and the drive-thru line cleared up
  4060. >You had a few moments to check your phone
  4061. >No texts, an email from Indeed.com about a job opening you weren't qualified for
  4062. >You open up the browser and mash out the address for /mlp/ by muscle memory at this point, looking through the catalog for a thread that interested you
  4063. >A car pulled up in the drive-thru and Blue Anon took the order
  4064. >You turned your phone off and pocketed it as the supervisor came back
  4065. >You forgot to close out your browser
  4066. >You could already feel the heat your phone would be baking out in your pocket
  4067. >Fuck
  4068. >You worked for another 45 minutes until your supervisor fucked off again
  4069. >Your phone was fucking boiling hot in your pocket
  4070. >You pull it out and just turn it off
  4071. >Piece of shit
  4072. >Blue Anon is being really quiet
  4073. >Where the hell is he?
  4074. >There's a line of cars wrapped around the building
  4075. >You walk back to the first window
  4076. >Blue Anon is gone
  4077. >Some trashy stoner is looking in through the window expectantly
  4078. >You raise a finger to tell him to wait a goddamn second
  4079. >You check to see where he could have gone
  4080. >The walk-in fridge was left open
  4081. >You grab the handle and pull it open enough to walk in
  4082. >Blue Anon is standing there
  4083. >With like three ponies
  4084. >And a glowing hole in space that lead to somewhere else
  4085. >Blue Anon just looks at you
  4086. >"Shit, I'm sorry dude I was gonna tell you."
  4087. "No you weren't, fucker. What is this?"
  4088. >"Do we need to take the green one too?" one of the ponies asks
  4089. >"No, just the blue one."
  4090. >You touch the pony wearing armor
  4091. >She gives you a sad glance
  4092. "What's going on?"
  4093. >"We're taking your friend back to our world."
  4094. >Shit, your supervisor was going to be mad at Blue for leaving
  4095. "Can I come too?"
  4096. >"Uhh... N-no. Do you want to?"
  4097. "I guess, is it Equestria?",
  4098. >"Yeah."
  4099. "Why does he get to go?"
  4100. >"It's a little hard to explain."
  4101. "Why can't I go?"
  4102. >"N-not yet."
  4103. >The armored pony digs through her bags
  4104. >"Uhh, just give me something of yours so I can find you later."
  4105. >You dig out your phone and hand it to her, because why not
  4106. >You let the little armored pony take your $75 phone
  4107. >Blue Anon seems to have forgotten already, going into the gateway and leaving
  4108. >Fag
  4109. >He left with a little pony in a wide-brim hat
  4110. >The armored pony stops before stepping through and looks back at you
  4111. >She clutches your phone in her hooves, looking it over before going back to you
  4112. >"I'll be back for you as soon as I can, I promise."
  4113. "Okay."
  4114. >She goes back through, the hole closing shut behind her
  4115. >You leage the fridge only to find your supervisor hastily cooking
  4116. >"Green! Where did Blue go?!" she panics
  4117. "I think he went home. It's 6 now."
  4118. >You leave the taco bell and go home
  4119. >You wonder what that nog Blue is up to
  4120. >Probably balls deep in pone
  4121. >Or being tortured by trickster demons
  4122. >You finally get home and walk in
  4123. >You don't know what you were expecting, but it was empty
  4124. >And you had no phone
  4125. >Green, you numb nut, giving away your phone
  4126. >7AM, time to go to sleep!
  4127. >You close the blinds and ignore the rising sun as you go to sleep
  4128. >You don't dream, you just fade away and open your eyes around noon
  4129. >Looks like you'll be having a late-afternoon fap today
  4130. >Just as you get everything set up, the wifi goes out
  4131. >The fucking video is buffering
  4132. >You switch to your flashdrive
  4133. >It's been a few years
  4134. >Ah, the legacy porn of the fandom
  4135. >It has aged like fine wine
  4136. >Some of your first faps were to these pics
  4137. >The flashdrive contained works by artists such as Niggerfaggot and Sunibee before he started going donut crazy
  4138. >You pull up that one comic of Derpy getting railed so hard her eyes went back to normal
  4139. >A classic
  4140. >"Whatcha lookin' a-" a voice behind you asks
  4141. >You fall out of your chair and scramble to hide your dick but also prepare for a fight
  4142. >It was that guardmare from yesterday
  4143. >You realize she's looking at your screen
  4144. >You jump up and try to smash that power button but knock the monitor off of your desk
  4145. >"L-lewd! Oh gosh!"
  4146. "It's not what it looks like!"
  4147. >With a red face, she covers her sight of you with a hoof
  4148. >"I-I guess that answers a few questions Cadance had for you..."
  4149. >With the little guardmare covering her eyes, you quickly get you pants back up and wash your hands off
  4150. >She uncovers her eyes once you convince her you have pants on
  4151. >It took a few tries
  4152. "Does this mean I get to go to Equestria now?"
  4153. >"Well... Your case is unique now, we're having some issues getting you processed but Cadance doesn't want to keep you on Earth now that you know Equestria is real so we're taking you. But it's with some limitations."
  4154. >She ushers you through the portal and it shuts behind you two
  4155. >You follow the little armored mare through the crystal hallways
  4156. >"The usual welcoming party isn't here right now. Uhh, welcome to the Crystal Empire, Green Anon."
  4157. >You look around in awe of the castle's interior
  4158. >"I'm required to let you this is real and you're not dreaming."
  4159. "Th-thanks."
  4160. >"Oh my, Anon! I've been excited to meet you!"
  4161. >You turn to face the voice, it was Cadance
  4162. >She walks uncomfortably close to you
  4163. >"You are incredibly observant, you managed to see right through the unnoticability spell I put on that gateway at your work. You weren't supposed to notice any of that, much less walk in on an abduction in process."
  4164. >She looks at you curiously
  4165. >"Usually we find the right human for a specific mare in Equestria and go get that human. But you really insisted on coming so I gave it a whirl to see if I could find a mare for you."
  4166. >Cadance laughs
  4167. >"The crystal heart gave me a lot of shit for trying to do things backwards but I got you a result. She hasn't replied to my letters so I'm bringing you right to her later!"
  4168. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4169. >"You can be rough n' tumble with an earth mare, ya know."
  4170. >"No 'watchin the wares' as it were with them delicate featherheads and those frail unicorns! >"We was built for thorough breedin'!"
  4171. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4172. >ywn bury your face in that belly, smothering it in kisses and nuzzles while feeling her hooves both trying to push you away and force you deeper into her fluff.
  4173. ywn feel her hesitantly, gently, push you lower.
  4174. ywn feel her hind legs lock around you when you sample your favorite treat
  4175. ywn make her sing with your ministrations
  4176. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4177. >Be Rarity
  4178. >Develop human fetish after being the main source of their clothing.
  4179. >Constantly clitblocked by Ms "Havent found your horsebando in the past 5 minutes since you asked now leave me alone before i call the guards" Cadenza
  4180. >Have to suffer the torture of measuring every new human that arrives without one of your own to [furiously] show your [savage] tender [unrelenting lust] love to and be [absolutely ravaged] showered in [headpats] affection in turn.
  4181. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4182. >”Just another needle here and... We're finished! What do you say, darling? I think you look absolutely ravishing!”
  4183. >”The shirt's a bit too tight around the stomach? Well, it's supposed to be a tight fit. But if you want I could widen it a bit.”
  4184. >”Oh nononono! That's absolutely no problem, handsome. Maybe just another thirty minutes of work or so. Anything for a good friend.”
  4185. >”H-Handsome? You must have misheard that, heh. I mean you are, but... Anyway.”
  4186. >”Say... Anon...”
  4187. >”May I ask you a question?”
  4188. >”Wonderful. Stand still for a moment please, I need to mark something on the shirt... There. So.”
  4189. >”Excuse my curiosity, Anon, but these are rather fancy clothes, aren't they?”
  4190. >”Please~ I'm not saying you can't wear those, because you certainly can, but this is a first for you, isn't it?”
  4191. >”In the two years you've lived here and I've known you, the only clothes you ever bought from me were all casual, if not a bit... And excuse my words now, darling... Plain and boring.”
  4192. >”Why the sudden change now?”
  4193. >”Are you planning to ask somepo-”
  4194. >”Oh my~ You're blushing!”
  4195. >”So you are! Hah!”
  4196. >”Anon please. Don't be embarrassed! I think it's rather endearing.”
  4197. >”Do I know the lucky mare? Or stallion?”
  4198. >”Darling calm down, I was merely joking. I know you are not gay.”
  4199. >”Otherwise you wouldn't stare at my flanks all the time... Not that I mind.”
  4200. >”Huh? No I didn't say anything, Anon. Please turn around.”
  4201. >”The pants are fine, though?”
  4202. >”Wonderful.”
  4203. >”But to hark back to my previous question... Do I know her? You can tell me! I won't tell anypony! A true lady never tells!”
  4204. >”N-Nervous? Oh now don't be silly, Anon. I'm just curious, that's all.”
  4205. >”So I do know her! How well?”
  4206. >”Just answer my question, Anonymous. It's rude to answer a question with a question.”
  4207. >”Really well? Like my own sister? Hah!”
  4208. >”Oh nothing, darling. I'm just happy for you. Don't worry about it~”
  4209. >”How much do you owe me? Trying to change the topic, eh?”
  4210. >”My oh my, you look so adorable when you're face is red like a tomato! I just could eat you up.”
  4211. >”In all seriousness, though... Twenty five for the pants, eighteen for the shirt and twenty for the shoes... Let's just say fifty five for the whole outfit.”
  4212. >”Mhm, that's with the “I'm friends with Rarity for one or more years” discount. I have to live from something too, darling.”
  4213. >”Let me wrap that up for you. You can pick up your shirt in an hour or so.”
  4214. >”Anonymous, please... I can tell from the look on your face that something preys on your mind. Just spit it out, darling.”
  4215. >”Oh.”
  4216. >”Oh...”
  4217. >”Y-Yes... Of course I know which Canterlot bakeries are the best.”
  4218. >”Are you looking for anything special..?”
  4219. >”Cupcakes?”
  4220. >”Sweetheart's sweet treats... She makes the best cupcakes in all of Equestria. She even got a few prices for them.”
  4221. >”W-Where? Oh... Her bakery is straight across Canterlot Palace, on Harmony Square... You can't miss it.”
  4222. >”Nothing is wrong, A-Anonymous. It just seems like something got into my eyes.”
  4223. >”Hah!
  4224. >”Don't worry about it!”
  4225. >”Yes, she keeps her shop open on sundays.”
  4226. >”Now!”
  4227. >”I think you have a date to plan, don't you?”
  4228. >”See?”
  4229. >”And I have to widen a s-shirt...”
  4230. >”For that said date...”
  4231. >”So please be on your way now, Anon.”
  4232. >”You can pick it up later.”
  4233. >”You're welcome, Anonymous.”
  4234. >”Farewell...”
  4235. >”Anything...”
  4236. >”Anything for a g-good friend.”
  4237.  
  4238. >Rarity did indeed know the mare in question very well, very well indeed. Better than anyone, some might say
  4239. >For unbeknownst to Rarity, *she* was the special mare Anon was thinking of.
  4240. >But he simply couldn't reveal that just yet.
  4241. >She deserved to hear his declaration of love when he was dressed to impress! In the proper setting, when the mood was right.
  4242. >And he had to retrieve those cupcakes as well.
  4243. >She deserved the very best after all.
  4244.  
  4245. >Surely she would turn him away if he tried to woo her in his usual "plain and boring" way.
  4246. >Yes, waiting for the perfect moment was surely the only way this could work...
  4247. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4248. >Knock knock.
  4249. >Hm, thats odd, you thought you flipped your sign over for lunch.
  4250. >Knock knock.
  4251. >Guess it will have to wait, duty calls.
  4252. "One moment~!"
  4253. >You really wanted to get started on that new novel too, letting out a soft sigh you unlatch the door and pull it open with a smile.
  4254. "Welcome to the Boutique, may i help you Mr...?"
  4255. >Oh my, the poor dears eyes (such a fascinating shade) are almost as wide as a pony's.
  4256. >He must be a new arrival for something so simple as a bit of telekinsis to surprise him this much.
  4257. "Here for a fitting are we, well never fear because you're in the most stylish hooves of equestria!"
  4258. >"Um, well actually..."
  4259. "Come along now and lets get you up on the stand, need to have you looking at your best for meeting your mare."
  4260. >"That's sort of what i'm here for-"
  4261. "Naturally darling so let's hurry along and get you all kitted out, shall we?"
  4262. >A minute of push,(Careful of the horn, dont want a repeat of 'that' incident), shove (Cant use magic, dont want to spook the dear) and grumbling (Stallions these days, honestly) later and the customer is looking down at you, fidgeting nervously while you look for your tape.
  4263. >"Look i think there's been some mistake, you see-"
  4264. "The only mistake here is that ghastly thing that looks like a sweater, it's so baggy and....blurgh, definitely not your style."
  4265. >"Hey! It was cold up the empire and this was the only thing they had in my size, not like i wanted to wear this old thing anyway."
  4266. "Not to worry, that's what I'M here for, now off with it so we can get started."
  4267. >Rolling his eyes as he removes the horridly grey thing you study what you have to work with.
  4268. >Slight pudge around the middle but not fat (Perfect for cuddling), quite a bit of thickness in those arms (He has one lucky mare) and a relatively broad chest (Oooh you cant wait to feel that under your hooves.)
  4269. >Nodding to yourself, you gesture with a hoof.
  4270. "Lovely, now the pants dear, but do keep those undergarments on, dont want your mare getting jealous now do we?"
  4271. >Chuckling to yourself (You're not bitter, not at all!), you fail to notice his embarrassed spluttering as he looks away and steps out of those trousers, or were they called pants? No matter.
  4272. >Legs are about what you expect, slightly toned but not the chisled physique from some of the humans (Dont know what mares see in that, you might as well cuddle a statue)
  4273. >Levitating your stool onto the stand, you take up position to his side and begin measuring.
  4274. >Whether you accidently brush or poke a bit more than you normally would is a matter for professional debate.
  4275. >You studiously ignore the professional voice in your head ranting about impropriety in the workplace.
  4276. >Seeing him nervously glancing at you as you trail the tape across his chest (Oh. Momma likes), you strike up a conversation to help him relax.
  4277. "Sooo, how long have you been in Equestria?"
  4278. >"O-only about a day or so, i was rushed down to ponyville right away, Princess Cadence seemed really relieved for some reason."
  4279. "Really? You must have one lucky mare, normally most humans need a few days to properly acclimatize to...well, everything."
  4280. >Rubbing the back of his neck (And doing wonderful~ things to his muscles) he lets out a nervous chuckle.
  4281. >"Well, i suppose i never was much of a nor/mlp/erson, haha"
  4282. >There was something odd about that sentence but you cant quite but your hoof on it, oh well, no matter.
  4283. >Using your magic to finish the measurements on his legs (You know your limits, FAR too much temptation 'below the belt' as the humans say.) you gather up the standard human ensemble (Dreadfully boring without any gemstones, but you suppose simplicity has charm of it's own).
  4284. >Handing him the clothes and picking up your pins, you reiterate what his guidebook already said, simply for something to say.
  4285. "Now then, the suit is completely free as is but i'd be MORE than happy to make any alterations you desire, maybe add a bit of sparkle to it, hm? Why there was this lovely tie i made for a gentlecolt the other day which simply shined something Divine~"
  4286. >"No, no, this is fine, although..."
  4287. "Yes dear?"
  4288. >"Could i possibly have a different coloured shirt?"
  4289. "Certainly, but i'm afraid if you want yellow then you'll have to wait a few days until i recieve some more fabric, the human who came in before you wanted his entire suit in THAT colour of all things."
  4290. >You shudder sympatheticly for the mare saddled with that Mr Carrey, although given Cadence is involved she's probably just as colourblind.
  4291. >"Do you have any purple shirts?"
  4292. "Hm... yes i believe so! Any particular shade?"
  4293. >As he looks away you're unable to hear his mumbled answer.
  4294. "Speak up dear, what was that?"
  4295. >Taking a deep breath and looking you in the eye (Good heavens you could admire them for hours) he responds clearly.
  4296. >"Do you have a shirt in the same colour as your mane?"
  4297. >Your mane? You turn to look in a nearby mirror and cradle a lock of hair in your hooves.
  4298. "My...mane? Well, i... suppose i DO have a shirt in this colour but, why? If you dont mind me asking of course, haha."
  4299. >Still staring with those chips of diamond for eyes (Get a grip you filly, why the sudden nervousness) he speaks softly.
  4300. >"It's pretty, and it reminds me of...someone i like."
  4301. >You take pride in your mane, objectively speaking you have one of the best in ponyville, but to hear something like that spoken in the same tone as "Celestia raises the sun." has sent your heart thumping erractically and you feel a blush grace your cheeks (Damn this white coat of mine, he cant possibly miss that.)
  4302. "Hahahahaha, how nice of you to say, i'll be right back with it!"
  4303. >Darting into the storeroom you take a number of deep breathes to try and calm down.
  4304. >Pull yourself together filly, he's just being nice!
  4305. >But surely he knows what something like that means!
  4306. >He's only been in equestria a single day! He just hasnt got that far in the guidebook yet!
  4307. >What would his mare think, who knows what sort of gossip this would spawn?!
  4308. >Thats not our problem, and we can honestly say he asked for the colour.
  4309. >Knock knock
  4310. >"Everything okay in there?"
  4311. "Oh! Ahem! Y-yes! Just a minute!"
  4312. >Grabbing the garment from it's pride of place (Not like your future horsebando is arriving any time soon anyway) you trot out and steadily avoid making eye contact again.
  4313. >The rest of his fitting flies by in semi-uncomfortable silence, a few aborted attempts at further conversation notwithstanding.
  4314. "There we are, all done dear. How does it feel?"
  4315. >"It feels amazing, i havent exactly worn many suits but i can tell this is fantastic, thank you so much."
  4316. "Think nothing of it, it was my pleasure. Just remember where i am whenever you need a new addition to your wardrobe."
  4317. >"Oh dont worry, i'm never going to forget you..."
  4318. >You're pretty sure you werent meant to hear that mumble, forcing down another blush as he runs his fingers over the hem of his new shirt(You wonder what that would feel like through your mane NO! TAKEN. YOU MUST RESIST.)
  4319. "Hahaaaa, well run along now darling, i'm sure your mare is just dying to meet the new you, ta ta!"
  4320. >Dashing into your backroom may have been a teensy bit rude, but it's better than watching him go like a lovestruck filly.
  4321. >He seemed like a nice man, he'll make his mare very happy indeed.(You just wish it were this mare.)
  4322. >30 minutes later you had barely re-opened the boutique after your near forgotten lunch when a smiling Twilight walked through the door.
  4323. >"Hi Rarity, just thought i'd stop by to see how you two were doing."
  4324. "Hello Twilight, Sweetie belle's out with her friends and i'm just buzzing around here like a regular busy bee today."
  4325. >Frowning slightly, she voices her confusion.
  4326. >"Actually i was talking about you and Anon, he was supposed to be showing up this morning according to Cadence."
  4327. "Anon... i cant say i know the name darling, is he a friend of yours?"
  4328. >"Well, not exactly bu-"
  4329. >Wait, it couldnt be, could it?
  4330. "Did you say Cadence? Is this about what i think it is?!"
  4331. >"Yes, she sent me your humans information but-"
  4332. >[Excited horse noises]
  4333. >"Rarity listen, something might ha-"
  4334. >[Excited horse noises intensify]
  4335. >"RARITY!"
  4336. "Oh! Sorry dear, i got a little carried away."
  4337. >"You Think?"
  4338. "What were you saying?"
  4339. >"He should have been here this morning, didnt spike give you the scroll yesterday?"
  4340. "No...i havent seen spiky wikey in a few days, i thought he was visiting his friend Thorax?"
  4341. >"It looks like i might need to have a little 'Talk' with our little dragon later but for now let's look for Anon, i'm sure he just decided to explore ponyville before coming here."
  4342. "Oooh is my mane okay? what about my tail, is it too curly? Not curly enough? First impressions are important Twilight!"
  4343. >"Calm down rarity, you look fi-Amazing, you look great, dont worry about it."
  4344. "Well, if you say so, what does Anon look like anyway, there's enough humans in town now that we'll be running in circles all day if we just ask "Have you seen a man."
  4345. >"According to the information Cadence sent, he's about this tall, was wearing an overly large grey sweater, has sharp eyes and his hair was-Rarity, are you okay?"
  4346. >No. You are decidedly not Okay.
  4347. >Nothing about this is Okay.
  4348. >'Okay' is currently orbiting Luna's moon while you are internally screaming within the depths of Tartarus.
  4349. >The only thing to emerge verbally from your shellshocked visage is a word you've picked up from the humans, when you've accidently pricked them with your pins.
  4350. "Fuck."
  4351. >Sitting in the train station with your hands behind your head, you contemplate your life choices.
  4352. >You're in equestria, Pro.
  4353. >You never have to see your family again, Pro.
  4354. >Wont die in the inevitable collapse that earth is driving towards, Pro.
  4355. >Other anons to verbally shitpost with, Pro.
  4356. >Cute horses everywhere, Pro.
  4357. >One cute horse in particular doesnt want you, Con.
  4358. >With a sigh, you suppose it could be worse, at least you didnt get turned into a filly and have to call Twilight 'Mom'
  4359. >Oh speak of the devil and there she goes (Thanks Larson), wonder why she's flying around so frantically?
  4360. >Giving a little wave in greeting as she spots you, she surprises you by teleporting away.
  4361. >Huh, oh well. None of your business.
  4362. >BZZTING
  4363. >"GAH!"
  4364. >Instinctively diving behind the bench from the sudden flash and loud jingle, you hear it a second time before you peak your head above to see what the hell just attacked you.
  4365. >Oh, it's Rarity, what's she doing here?
  4366. >Oh shit you're getting your new suit dirty she's going to be mad.
  4367. >Yep. Definitely mad, that's 100% a "How dare you dirty my work you uncouth ruffian" look she's giving you.
  4368. "Your eyes are very handsome."
  4369. >What.
  4370. >"What."
  4371. >Blushing slightly (God she's cute), she repeats back at you
  4372. "What? They ARE, you said my mane was p-pretty so it's only proper that i return the favor."
  4373. >"....Okay? Thank you, i guess."
  4374. >Confused, but no longer fearing divine fashionista wrath, you sit back down on the bench as she nervously shuffles her hooves.
  4375. >You're content to just look at her in silence, trying to memorise every curve, burning as much of her into your memory as you can, just in case you never see her again.
  4376. >Suddenly, she scrunches her face and scowls at the floor (Hnnng) before stomping a hoof in irritation.
  4377. "Ooooh! This is just so....SILLY!"
  4378. >"It is at that, i definitely didnt expect to be here a week ago, i say that much."
  4379. "I dont mean -that-, i mean -this-, US. This isnt exactly how i imagined things."
  4380. >Oh hello depression, welcome back.
  4381. >Your expression must have been obvious as she looks horrified before beginning to gush.
  4382. "Nononono I'm sorry i didnt mean it like that, you're handsome and charming and i want you to just pick me up with those arms cradle me like a little filly and make an absolute mess of my maUmph!"
  4383. >Nonplussed, you can only stare at the mare with a hoof shoved in her own mouth blushing so hard you absently worry she might burst a blood vessel.
  4384. >A chuckle escapes your mouth, gradually evolving into full laughter as she shakily joins in, recovering from her brief spagetti drop.
  4385. >Eventually subsiding, yet leaving you both with ice throughly broken, you can only gaze into her azure pools and can only guess at the myriad of emotions swirling within.
  4386. >You wonder what she's seeing in your own eyes.
  4387. >After a brief thought, you tilt your head and pat the seat beside you.
  4388. >A moments hesitation and she's sat next to you, chewing on her bottom lip slightly (Only the dead know peace from this cute) obviously thinking about something.
  4389. >Seemingly coming to a decision, her horn lights up at the same time your arm decides to go rogue and lift itself above her.
  4390. >She wastes no time and burrows into your side before directing your arm back down around her, your hand coming to rest over her cutie mark.
  4391. >You may have forgotten how to breathe.
  4392. >As she stares up at you with a daring expression, you accept her unspoken challenge / proposal.
  4393. >Bringing your other arm around to steady her, you swiftly slip her onto your lap and lightly scratch a finger on the back of her ear.
  4394. >Eyes widening, body shuddering you worry for a moment that you did something wrong before she melts in your embrace and starts nuzzling your neck.
  4395. >Taking it as permission, you begin gently massaging her scalp, absolutely mesmerised by the feel of her mane running through your fingers.
  4396. >Preoccupied as you are, neither of you notice Twilight give a satisfactory nod before teleporting away.
  4397. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4398. >Be Anon
  4399. >Be witness to several portal appearances
  4400. >Watch as tiny horses run around, leaping onto unsuspecting men and disappearing in a flash
  4401. >Meet the eyes of several mares during these portal events; they lock onto yours, but only for a split-second before they turn their attentions elsewhere
  4402. >The portals close, and all you're left with is the knowledge that mares have very, very pretty eyes
  4403. >Get phone call
  4404. >It's your boss, asking you if you can come into work early today
  4405.  
  4406. J-just try another day, there's gotta be one for me somewhere...
  4407.  
  4408. >Three Years Later
  4409.  
  4410. >"I uh...I wasn't born hating anyone."
  4411. >"I didn't come out of the womb a hateful person."
  4412. >"...It kind of just happened, and it's-, uh, it's pretty commonplace among discarded males where I'm from, so, I never really thought twice about it."
  4413. >"I just accepted it as 'hey, whatever, this is how things are.'"
  4414. >Your waifu just loses it and hugs you the tightest you've ever been hugged
  4415. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4416. >Lyra sweating loudly and shivering as you hold her hoof -- right out in the park, where EVERYPONY can see!
  4417. >Barely stifles back a moan when you bump her snoot with your nose
  4418. >Looks around to make sure Bon Bon isn't around, and then shakily asks if you want to go back to her place and hug
  4419. >"Guess which mare's gonna get the C tonight: Cuddles!"
  4420. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4421. >Pegasus mare (Honey Dream, let's say) goes for the portals that only ever open up in the frozen northern hellscapes of Earth
  4422. >"Nopony EVER goes there! It's an easy way to snag a husbando!"
  4423. >Turns out nopony ever goes there because Honey Dream is now stuck in the frozen asshole of Canada, teats-deep in a snowdrift with howling winds and poor visibility
  4424. >"Lousy September weather."
  4425. >Princess Cadence's patented Spouse Spotter magic is telling Honey Dream that her fated soulmate is around here somewhere, but she can't see fuck-all for all the snow
  4426. >Decides "fuck it" and unfurls her wings to fly away
  4427. >She works on the weather team, Manehattan division; she's dealt with storms before
  4428. >Earth weather can't be THAT different from Equestrian weather, can it?
  4429. >It can.
  4430. >As soon as she spreads her wings, the wind catches and she's tossed around
  4431. >Smacks right into a fucking leaf on his way back from Timmies
  4432. >Coffee and tiny doughnuts go everywhere, and they land in a pile of hasty apologies and discarded hockey equipment
  4433. >Honey Dream's husbando detector goes DING DING DING
  4434. >"Nailed it."
  4435. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4436. >you're standing on the sidewalk getting verbally and physically assaulted by a woman for accidentally bumping into her and being disgusting cis male scum as everyone watches
  4437. >after the third limp wristed punch to the face a little colorful horse sprints out of a nearby alleyway and bowls her head over ass over and into the road
  4438. >starts ranting about hitting her mate as several other colorful horses rush out into the open and try to drag her back into the alleyway telling her about how it's 'way too soon'
  4439. >refuses to calm down while people start gathering and recording and you can hear sirens in the distance
  4440.  
  4441. Resign myself to getting blamed for assault since no one will believe a bunch of coloured horses came out of nowhere and disappeared just as fast.
  4442.  
  4443. I'd give hardly any fucks though, since i could rest easy know whats coming eventually, or that i'd finally slipped far enough into insanity to start hallucinating, either one would be pretty neat.
  4444.  
  4445. >end up spending seven months in prison
  4446. >only spend a little over a week in your cell before a portal rips apart the back wall and that same little mare hops out
  4447. >beckons you to come with her back home
  4448. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4449. >That feel when the Void sounds comfy as fuck.
  4450. >That feel when you're on probably on Twilights watchlist.
  4451.  
  4452. This made me sad, mainly because that starry nothingness actually does sound pretty comforting and nice.
  4453.  
  4454. >Being transported through the Void.
  4455. >Both of your minders sneeze at the same time, giving you a moment to look at your surroundings.
  4456. >You lack the words to describe it, if such even exist.
  4457. >An endless sea of stars wrapped in a roiling blanket of darkness, starlight and shadow roaming your skin and filling you in equal measure, time itself losing all meaning as you feel yourself gently embraced by the infinite potential of nonexistance.
  4458. >After eternity and an instant, you feel yourself tugged onwards by the two worried ponies, the Void carressing your back one final time before pulling away from the imposed restrictions of existance.
  4459. >A sense of loss briefly grabs hold of you as the memory of your experience rapidly slips away, it simply being too profound for a brain of material substance to contain.
  4460. >An echo of a whispered shadow emanates from somewhere deep within you and with a soft smile the feeling of loss gives way to acceptance.
  4461. "Anon...Are you okay?"
  4462. >You're better than you were, but she wouldnt understand, she wouldn't have asked if she did.
  4463. >"Yeah, i'm fine Twilight, that's one hell of a trip though."
  4464. >It's okay, she'll understand when it's her time.
  4465. "Haha, yeah, sorry about that, i know it can be a bit scary but you're here now! If you'll just come this way we can start getting you settled in and..."
  4466. >You dutifully pay attention to her introduction on your new life, trying to put the obviously worried mare at ease.
  4467. >After all, you may have gotten a small glimpse of the Destination, but that doesn't make the Journey any less important.
  4468. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4469. >Be legacy Anon
  4470. >One of the few men left on earth
  4471. >tfw no new episodes of Dragonball because the animators and writers are mostly gone
  4472. >Latest Assassin's Creed came out
  4473. >It was shit
  4474. >Go online
  4475. >Every board except /cgl/ /lgbt/ and /ck/ have slowed to a crawl
  4476. >Go to /mlp/ and make a thread
  4477. >Post a sad pony face
  4478. >"Anyone on here still or is it just me?"
  4479. >No replies for an entire day
  4480. >Still on the top of Page 1 a day later
  4481. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4482. >Anon watches portals open and close all over his city
  4483. >He witnesses kidnappings (at least, that's how the media is framing them) and snatcher groups composed of the most adorable, happiest little group of cutie-patooties he's ever seen
  4484. >The real reason behind these kidnappings is revealed in time; the media couldn't suppress the truth for long
  4485. >It wasn't kidnapping; it was rescuing
  4486. >Straight from the horse's mouth (or the pony's mouth, in this case) came the reasons behind Equestria's actions
  4487. >They didn't have enough males.
  4488. >Their birth rates were nearing the negatives, and reports were being thrown around saying that their male to female ratio was anywhere between 1:5 to 1:10.
  4489. >Why Equestria's leaders though an entirely different species on a whole different... planet?
  4490. >Universe?
  4491. >...why they thought humans would be compatible is a mystery to you, but it apparently isn't much of a roadblock for ponies, if the growing number of departing men means anything.
  4492. >Every time Anon goes to the mall or to any (formally) dense population centre, he can't help but notice that the crowds grow thinner and thinner with each visit.
  4493. >Anon's friends are disappearing left, right, and center.
  4494. >His neighbors' houses are up for sale (put up by whatever remaining relatives they have on Earth)
  4495. >Every passing day means that the chances of anyone he knows in particular staying put on Earth grows slimmer and slimmer; 90% chance of remaining one day; 88% chance the next; 84% the day after that, and 79% after that.
  4496. >...and yet, Anon is still here.
  4497. >No pony has come to claim him.
  4498. >They've watched him, sure; he's stared them right in the eye, and then observed as they walked away to find some other human to rescue.
  4499. >Kidnap.
  4500. >Whatever.
  4501. >He's about to lose hope, going to bed each night in an increasingly desolate and depopulated world.
  4502. >But suddenly, there's a flash.
  4503. >A portal!
  4504. >...in his bedroom?
  4505. >Not even his Japanese anime could have prepared him for this.
  4506. >A figure steps out of the blinding light
  4507. >It's tall; taller than any other pony he's ever seen.
  4508. >The light coming from the portal is drowning out any detail of the pony other than its shape and outline
  4509. >He can't even tell what colour its fur is.
  4510. >Anon can see a horn
  4511. >He can see... wings?
  4512. >A horn and wings, huh?
  4513. >He didn't know ponies could have both.
  4514. >"Anonymous..."
  4515. >A mare's angelic, sweet voice fills his ears like music.
  4516. >There's a sound that's between a sniffle and a laugh, and it screams "relief"
  4517. >"I've finally found you."
  4518. >Two feathery appendages wrap around his shoulders and caress his face, and Anon feels his knees go weak.
  4519. >Relief washes over him, freeing him of anxiety and fear he never knew he felt until it left him.
  4520. >He never knew he felt so cold until he felt warmth seep back into his fingertips again.
  4521. >"Let's go home."
  4522. >And then there was light, and Earth faded away.
  4523.  
  4524. >Celestia and Luna would probably be one of the last mares to get their husbando, the both of them needed to deal with the influx of new citizens during the Day and Night until things settle down enough for them to take time off for Hunting.
  4525. >Their anons would be stuck on Earth all that time.
  4526.  
  4527. What would... what would happen if Celestia or Luna's human was killed on Earth while they were sorting everything out?
  4528. Because you can bet your ass the abductions would cause mass chaos and violence, it would only be a matter of time until one of their husbando's lives was taken in the riots and wars.
  4529.  
  4530. >You are Princess Celestia of Equestria, The Rising Sun, The Bringer of the Day
  4531. >And you have never felt so powerless
  4532. >You protectively cover your mate's body with yours, wings unfurled and gently holding his head aloft
  4533. >All around is chaos kept at bay only by the protective yellow shield bubble surrounding the two of you
  4534. >A projectile occasionally richochets against it or shatters upon impact as the host nation's military battles it out with rioters and rebels
  4535. >When you appeared through a starry black tear between dimensions in all your terror and righeous fury, hastily throwing a shield spell up to protect your fallen soon to be lover, both sides of the conflict quickly moved away and gave you a wide berth
  4536. >The damage, although, was already done
  4537. >You found him, on his side, lying in a steadily growing pool of his own life essence
  4538. >As fast as you were able, you immediately applied magical pressure to the wound to stem the bleeding, applying a layered sound dampening spell to your protective cover to better hear his breathing
  4539. >Soft, labored, but still drawing breath
  4540. >You let out a shaky, relieved sigh, vision blurring as you lean down and press your nose to his and whisper soft assurances to his eerily still form
  4541. "My shining jewel, light of my life... please, open your eyes."
  4542. >He sluggishly stirs at your voice, eyes blearily opening and looking at you but unable to focus
  4543. >"W...who..." he croaks, unable to form a single sentence
  4544. >Giving a pained smile you gently rub your muzzle along his cheek
  4545. "I'm here, I'm here. It's okay."
  4546. >Tears run down your nose and drip onto his face as he gives a pained wheeze
  4547. >"A-Am I dying?"
  4548. >You take in a shuddering breath as the thought, the idea, works its way into your head, losing him before you even had him
  4549. >Gently pulling his head closer and wrapping your forelegs around his shoulders you nuzzle the top of his head, rubbing your nose through his hair
  4550. >He weakly whispers in your ear, though it reverberates through your soul
  4551. >"Are you an angel here to finally take me away?"
  4552. >You let a sob escape before you can stop it, sitting up and resting his head on your shoulder, wrapping your wings around his body to keep him warm
  4553. "Yes, yes, I'm here to take you away, to take you somewhere better."
  4554. >Comfortingly rocking him from side to side, you take away the pressure from his wound to begin building up the large amount of magic needed to tear another bridge between dimensions
  4555. "Just hang on for me my love, hang on a little longer. I'll get you all the help you need."
  4556. >You can feel the wound on his chest staining your white pink coat a crimson red, the sticky feeling of his lifeblood making you sick
  4557. >His body rocks with weak laughter before descending into a coughing fit
  4558. >"Somewhere better s-sounds... really nice right now."
  4559. >Your tears are flowing freely now, no longer certain you made it in time, no longer certain in your abilities
  4560. "Shh, save your strength, s-stay strong for me, okay?" you say, noticing the battle around you for the first time
  4561. >The shield still holds, framing the chaos around you in a golden hue, a silent canvas of carnage
  4562. >You can see those caught between the battling sides, bodies ruined, entirely motionless as more fall to join them
  4563. >The terrifying thought that the one in your hooves and wings could have been like them enters your mind, struck down before you even had the chance to comfort him
  4564. >Your magic reaches its zenith, the raw power being weaved into the spell necessary to bring your one and only home
  4565. >Luna should be on the other side, ready to receive you both with several teams of Equestria's finest medical practitioners to take him away
  4566. >You hold on to him tightly, as if your life depended on it, as though he might suddenly be ripped from your hooves during the journey
  4567. "Let's go home, my sunshine. Let me take you to where you belong."
  4568. >Your golden magic wraps around you both, pulling you away from the battlefield you find yourselves in, in a brilliant flash of light
  4569. >Back home to Equestria
  4570. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4571. >all these wild humans
  4572. >tfw domestic tropical human
  4573.  
  4574. Now I'm picturing ponies capturing husbandos like they're capturing wild animals
  4575.  
  4576. >Anon is a fucking leaf
  4577. >Finds a box propped up with a stick that has a string tied to it
  4578. >The string is leading to a nearby cardboard cutout of a bush, and Anon can see the tails, manes, and/or ears of the mares hiding behind it
  4579. >He can also see their big eyes via the eye-holes they cut into the cardboard
  4580. >Underneath the box are Tim Horton's doughnuts and coffee
  4581. >...
  4582. >"Yes! I caught one! Oh Celestia, these Great White Northern Anons are usually so hard to catch, since they hibernate 6 months of the year!"
  4583.  
  4584. >Be Anon, walking around wondering where everyone went
  4585. >tfw people are getting kidnapped by interdimensional demons but you don't care
  4586. >Out for a walk anyways
  4587. >Suddenly spot your three favorite things all together
  4588. >A DVD copy of Norbit
  4589. >A bunch of licorice jellybeans
  4590. >And a jar of crunchy peanut butter
  4591. >Looks like you were getting lucky today
  4592.  
  4593. >Be Anon
  4594. >Be in a box
  4595. >Hear excited voices chirping all around you as you're carried away
  4596. >You never claimed you were ever a particularly clever man.
  4597. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4598. >Everyone on /mlp/ seems to be gone, all of them happy and safe with their waifu's.
  4599. >Everyone but you.
  4600. >That's okay though, you knew you weren't good enough for any mare.
  4601. >You certainly weren't deserving of such a wonderful thing, you know that.
  4602. >You do wish your chest would stop hurting though.
  4603. >It's been hurting ever since the last person had been accepted into Equestria...three months ago.
  4604. >Your chest really hurts, it's kinda hard to breathe as well.
  4605. >Maybe you should call a doctor?
  4606. >No...you really don't want to waste anyone's time, you'll just tough it out.
  4607. >Like you usually do.
  4608. >Pain starts to radiate from your left arm as well as the usual pain in your chest.
  4609. >Is it getting darker?
  4610. >Maybe some rest would-
  4611.  
  4612. When Anon fell face down onto the carpet, he didn't seem to react. He just laid on the ground, only the minute sound of wheezing coming from him.
  4613.  
  4614. He never got up.
  4615.  
  4616. >Be Celestia, a very happy princess.
  4617. >You had finally gotten all of the paperwork and various diplomatic and bureaucratic crap done.
  4618. >You could finally meet your "husbando" and the thought made you giddy!
  4619. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4620. >Be Anon
  4621. >Ever since men started disappearing left and right, it became illegal for a guy to go out without a woman with him
  4622. >Right now you're walking to a Blockbuster that still exists and being escorted by two lady police officers one of which doesn't look like they could do the job of a police officer
  4623. >The other one looks like she could crush a brick between her legs
  4624. >Super dyke
  4625. >You walk into the men's bathroom at Blockbuster
  4626. >It's pristine
  4627. >No one has used it in years, if ever
  4628. >You stand up on the toilet and open the small window by the ceiling, looking out
  4629. >It wasn't much of a view
  4630. >A knock on the door alerted you
  4631. >"Hurry up in there, we're having a gateway occurrence nearby and we're on high alert." it was the dyke
  4632.  
  4633. >Male population is low
  4634. >Male population must be guarded/protected
  4635. >Men are paired off exclusively with lesbians for the sole purpose of keeping him "safe" away from ponies
  4636. >"What do you mean, 'why exclusively lesbians'? Most women out there are having a hard time as it is finding a male partner now that all those little fuckin' horses keep snatching them up, and the last thing we need is ANOTHER kidnapping because your guard was too busy getting dicked by you to hear the sound of approaching hooves."
  4637.  
  4638. >Anon hears a door opening and then closing
  4639. >The Dyke walks in
  4640. >She looks left and right, and then locks the bathroom door
  4641. >She smiles at you and starts to undo her belt.
  4642. >"I lied about being gay."
  4643. "Wh-what?"
  4644. >The police officer throws off her hat and undoes her hair-bun, whipping her hair free like it's one of your American pornos and/or a shampoo commercial.
  4645. >"The test is to make out with another girl for ten minutes, right? I'm bisexual, so I passed."
  4646. >She unbuttons her shirt and reveals that she isn't wearing a bra.
  4647. >"Wanna have some fun before the rookie actually puts her police training to use and investigate what's taking us so long?"
  4648.  
  4649. >You are Anon, and you're a good little austist who browses all kinds of image boards; naturally, you are afraid of sex with girls..
  4650. >As soon as the portals opened up and adorable ponies poured through, you immediately decided that the reason behind your continued virginity (well into your adult years) was because you were retroactively saving yourself for your real soulmate.
  4651. >A horse.
  4652. >You take a nervous step back, thankful that you actually came into the bathroom to shitpost on your phone; if you had to pee like you told your guards, you'd have your dick out in the open RIGHT NOW.
  4653. "N-Now wait just a moment here," you stammer, continuing your backwards movement, "This is against the law."
  4654. >The woman chucks her shirt into a pristine corner and proudly displays her breasts to you.
  4655. >"Against the law? Sweetheart, who are you going to tell?"
  4656. >She lowers her aviator glasses (the ones that every police officer gets issued) and sends you a smoldering gaze.
  4657. >"The police?"
  4658. >She cackles and makes her way over to you, stopping only briefly to hop one-legged out of her black slacks.
  4659. >She keeps the cuffs, though.
  4660. >BANG BANG BANG!
  4661. >The door rattles in its frame, and your formally-gay policewoman spins around to stare at is, distracted from her stranger-danger.
  4662. >"Shit."
  4663. >She rushes around and snatches up her discarded clothing and starts dressing as quickly as possible.
  4664. >"That new buck's doing better than I expected her to."
  4665. >She tugs her pants up and starts to do back up the belt.
  4666. >"In some ways, I'm proud of her for learning so quickly. In other ways, well..."
  4667. >She looks at you over her shoulder, and her eyes linger on your crotch.
  4668. >"...maybe next time."
  4669. >>"Open up!"
  4670. >The officer freezes, shirt half buttoned up and one tit still hanging out.
  4671. >"...that's not my partner."
  4672. >Slowly, she reaches for the taser attached to her belt.
  4673. >To your surprise, she shuffles in between you and the door and takes a protective stance.
  4674. >She blindly shoves an arm behind her and pushes you further away from the door.
  4675. >"Get back, sir."
  4676. >Wasn't she just about to rape you and steal your precious seed?
  4677. >Why is she trying to protect you now?
  4678. >WHY ARE GIRLS SO CONFUSING
  4679. >>"We know you're in there! Come out with your hooves up and release the husbando!"
  4680. >Meanwhile, just outside the door...
  4681.  
  4682. >"That's right, close your eyes. It's okay, nopony's going to hurt you. Shhh.... shhh-shh-shhhh...."
  4683. >The sapphire-blue mare rocks the young woman back and forth.
  4684. >The human's eyes start to flutter closed, and her body relaxes as she drifts off to sleep.
  4685. >Back-to-back long hour shifts will do that to anyone.
  4686. >You turn your back to the pair and focus on the bathroom door instead.
  4687. >It's never easy to watch the Naptime division do their job.
  4688. >You were only assigned a couple members from their team because Control knows that you've got an iron tummy-tum-tums, and you can stomach overseeing a textbook sleepy-times maneuver.
  4689. >You just hope to Celestia you won't have to do the same thing (or worse) to the human woman holding your husbando hostage just beyond the locked door.
  4690. >You are Captain Goldie Hooves, and it's time to make your approach.
  4691. >The explosives division (you call'em "The Whammy Ka-Blammies" because you know they don't like it when ponies call them "The Whammy Ka-Blammies", and you like to tweak their snootles sometimes) puts the finishing touches on the charges.
  4692. >Magiplastic explosives set on the hinges and the deadbolt lock are primed and readied, and your horn lights up as you cover you and your team in a protective magical bubble.
  4693. >With a flash of purple light and a deafening bang, the bathroom door is thrown inwards and smashes against the far wall.
  4694. >Immediately, your well-trained team of human-snatchers rushes inside
  4695. >With one last glance at the Naptime division (again, given the nickname because they don't like it when ponies don't take their profession seriously) to make sure the human female is still unconscious, you fall into line behind your team and take up the rear.
  4696. >You're sure that your team has the other human female under control, but you don't stop to check.
  4697. >You have eyes only for the human.
  4698. >Specifically, YOUR human.
  4699. >You smile at him, and he shyly smiles back at you.
  4700. >You take a few slow, short steps towards him, and you're pleased when he doesn't flinch away from you.
  4701. >You hold out your hoof, and the human slowly reaches out and takes it in his warm hand.
  4702. "Are you ready to go home?"
  4703. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4704. >Husbando-snatching unicorn team closes in on a group of males
  4705. >Captain Horse is sure she's going to get a commendation for this
  4706. >Suddenly, a team of pegasi swoop in and grab all the humans
  4707. >Captain Horse cries herself to sleep that night
  4708. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4709. >Mare doesnt want the drama of surprising you at work, decides to wait for you to get home.
  4710. >You're running a bit late so she decides to grab a quick snack.
  4711. >You walk into your kitchen to find pic related on your kitchen counter.
  4712.  
  4713. >Waits for you at home
  4714. >Got the manila envelope with your details on them
  4715. >Name, date of birth, home, work, hobbies, schedule, creepy photos of you taken from bushes and around corners (and always taken from behind you)
  4716. >Princess Cadence swears she doesn't have a fetish for voyeurism
  4717. >And most importantly, a big fat section devoted to how compatible you and your pony are, complete with an almost poetic listings of reasons why you'll like each other
  4718. >The less you think about how weird this entire process is, the better.
  4719. >You, meanwhile, are ignorant that you've got a pony waiting for you somewhere
  4720. >You're even more ignorant that she's in your house right now
  4721. >You have to stay late at your job because half of your co-workers have been snatched up by ponies and it's up to you to pick up the slack
  4722. >Get home late
  4723. >House smells like food
  4724. >Go into kitchen
  4725. >See cold dinner sitting on table
  4726. >Wonder when burglars became so thoughtful
  4727. >Go into living room to see if you still have your TV
  4728. >Find tiny horse in a slinky dress sleeping on your couch making sleepy horse noises
  4729. >Wonder where the cameras are and when you can expect to be implicated for bestiality
  4730. >Again
  4731. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4732. >The portal does strange things to the humans and their possessions.
  4733. >The effect wears off after a few days and seems to have no lasting complications.
  4734. >Twilight sparkle theorises it's equestria itself giving humans some extra perspective.
  4735. >All you know is that your human in particular really enjoys your winter fluff, and thus, life is good.
  4736. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4737. >You've been ignoring Cadance's letter for weeks, not even bothering to unwrap them at this point
  4738. >The pile is beginning to accumulate next to your bed
  4739. >Some shit about husbandos for everypony
  4740. >You'd rather die alone than be added to some chump's herd as yet another conquest
  4741. >You look up from your book as another letter came in
  4742. >You threw it aside as soon as you saw the seal of Cadance on it
  4743. >From what you'd heard, beings from some futuristic world with advanced technology are dropping everything to live with mares in Equestria
  4744. >Must be some spawn of Tartarus
  4745. >Who would give up a world with amazing things like automatic carriages and those flying things and rockets that could go to the moon
  4746. >Who in their right mind would drop everything, family, friends, their entire lives, just to come be a househorseband?
  4747. >Only an idiot or a trickster
  4748. >And Raven Inkwell, assistant of Princess Celestia, fell for no trickery
  4749. >Today wasn't important, it was your day off
  4750. >Celestia was with her horsebando today, enjoying a "day off" as well
  4751. >You were going to head down to Canterlot's outskirts and throw rocks off the cliff
  4752. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4753. >tfw your waifu thinks you're a chad just looking to score some horsepussy.
  4754.  
  4755. Oh god, imagine if your waifu rejected you. That would hurt so fucking badly.
  4756.  
  4757. >Be Anon
  4758. >Portals, ponies, etc
  4759. >Be immensely surprised that there is someone out there who is essentially your soulmate
  4760. >You were sure you were going to die alone, even taking into consideration the enormous influx of thousands and thousands of mares who want nothing more than a loving partner
  4761. >Feel feelings in your heart for the first time in years
  4762. >Hope, happiness, and like the thick blanket of depression has finally lifted
  4763. >Someone out there is perfect for you
  4764. >Someone out there WANTS you
  4765. >You stand up straighter and you can look your mirror's reflection in the eyes
  4766. >Receive another letter saying that there's been a complication and your soulmate (soulmare?) isn't in a position to abandon her duty and go through the portal, so you have to go to her
  4767. >Go to Equestria
  4768. >Read the directions and wander to your waifu's place of work: Canterlot Castle itself
  4769. >She's more beautiful than you ever imagined a small horse could ever be
  4770. >You gaze into each other's eyes...
  4771. >...and she starts yelling at you
  4772. >Cue 15 long minutes of ranting in excruciating detail about exactly why she doesn't want to be with you and ending by telling you to fuck off (nicely, because she's a pony and they don't use words like "fuck")
  4773. >Chest hurts
  4774. >Feels like you're dying inside; she doesn't want you
  4775. >She refuses to talk to you any further
  4776. >Turn around and walk away so that she doesn't see you cry (and become even more fundamentally disgusted by you as a result)
  4777. >Leave
  4778. >By the time you reach the portals, you've forcefully repressed the memory of your encounter with her, and you only vaguely remember what she even said to you, but the pain is still there
  4779. >Go back home
  4780. >Phone up boss and ask for your old job back
  4781. >Watch the news every night and listen to the news anchor (a different one from last week; he's in Equestria now) talk about how men continue to leave Earth and never come back
  4782. >Decide to go to bed early
  4783.  
  4784. >She's perfect for you
  4785. >She's your other half
  4786. >Likewise, you're perfect for her, and you're HER other half
  4787. >Her fated mate
  4788. >The person (or pony) who will love you the most, more than anyone else ever has or ever will
  4789. >The one most inclined to see you as beautiful and wonderful
  4790. >And she doesn't want you
  4791. >Wanna know why?
  4792. >Because you're you.
  4793. >That's why.
  4794.  
  4795. Alright, I'm done now. It's even starting to bum ME out.
  4796. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4797.  
  4798. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4799.  
  4800. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4801.  
  4802. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RAW Paste Data
Top