Part I: Reality


		Evening hours were just coming to a close. The sharp scent of leather blew all throughout the selling floors in Joe Tahan's furniture. Old man Joe, 93 years old and proud, was crunching the numbers of today's sales behind his desk. He grabbed his solid diamond cane and walked to the front door. He flipped the sign to closed, and sighed a sigh of relief after a hard days work. He made his way back to his oak wood desk and sat down to finish his days work. Suddenly, he heard the bell ring of someone entering the store. Joe barely heard the faint ringing of the bell as it whispered throughout the furniture floor. His grip on his diamond cane tightened immensely, because he was nervous of an attacker. However, whoever this robber was, didn't know who they were dealing with. Joe Tahan had trained with the Mecha Robots on Mars and was very skilled in nuclear warfare and very advanced robot combat techniques. Joe broke out into a sprint across the store and found himself staring at his mortal enemy. Carl from Carl's furniture city stood there, his silhouette the only thing visible. "Hello Joesph." He said in a lizard like sexy voice. "whaddya want Carl, ya ain't gettin none of my couches" Carl teleported over to Joe and in an instant his massive bear hand was on Joe's limp elder penis. "I want your seed Joe, not the couches." He needed Joe's seed to finally awaken the dark god Alec Baldwin. "wat the fuk is that matta with ya Carl" Carl did a spinning 360 dragon kick and sent Joe flying. "my kids will be lookin for ya.." Joe said as he fell unconscious...
Part II: Forgotten Acquaintances


		Just as the world was fading to black around Joe, the sound of helicopters filled the night air. They were akin to the hymns of angels playing in the silent evening. The roof of the furniture floor exploded in at the same time Stone Cold Steve Austin's theme music started playing. Tight ropes flew down from the helicopters and several swat members came down into the building to protect Joe Tahan. A massive 3 foot wide rope swung down from a solid gold helicopter and Sergeant Gregory Facciolo swooped into the crime scene. He was 10 feet tall and was wearing his special outfit. His Obsidian police vest and granite boots and marble cowboy hat were all in sync. His platinum sheriff badge was gleaming an aura more beautiful than ever.  He looked at puny tiny little Carl and Carl was very happy. Carl looked at him and licked his chapped lips. “Oh Greg. I have been waiting for you to come and stop me from stealing Joe Tahan's seed.” Greg furrowed his brow. His deep booming voice resembled Zeus. “Why would you await me, Carl, last time we encountered each other I spared your life out of pure pity.” Carl  whistled and he turned into a centaur, and his horse cock was hanging limp 3 feet and dragging across the rough terrain. He mounted the ten foot tall Greg and put his now erect spear in the sergeants ass. Greg's ass started spitting blood everywhere and he died. Now enraged by his best friends death, Terry Ozcwoski burst up through the core of the earth. He was wearing a barbarian outfit and was wielding a spear of justice. He started to do battle with Carl the centaur, when Carl's dick turned into a sword and killed Terry. He went  to the corpse and planted his seed inside of him. Carl reverted back to his human form and took a moment to breathe. He threw his ass down onto one of Joe Tahan's unrivaled couches and realized just how perfect Joe's couches were. He walked over to crippled old man Joe. He flipped Joe onto his back and snapped his fingers, and Joe's clothes vanished. Joe's old man dick was a disgusting shriveled up little penis. Carl poured his special love potion(semen) on Joe's dick and it popped up hard. It was 19 inches of solid titanium. Just as Carl was about to finally get what he oh so desired, an red sphere flew in at 10 mach speed. It hit Carl in the stomach and sent him flying across the room. Carl blew through the cement walls and found himself outside in the cold night air. The sphere that had injured the furniture king rolled to his feet. It was an apple. The apple shape shifted into Apple Lambrusco. Apple had a stem popping out of his head and a massive apple cock hanging between his knees. It was time for Carl to get what he deserved. Apple Ambruso put his apple dick inside Carl's anus and started pumping. Carl could not believe what was happening. Carl screamed a banshee roar and a '75 mustang flew in at literally 800 Mph and killed apple. In apple's final moments he said “whatta fukin hotshot”. Carl walked back into the furniture store. He firmly grasped Joe's phallus and squeezed really hard. Pre-cum started to drip out of Joe Tahan's 93 year old penis. Finally in all the sweet revenge he needed, seventeen quarts of sperm shot out of Joe's dick onto Carl's face. As soon as the load was shot Joe turned into a mecha robot MKII fighter jet/humanoid hybrid. He started punching Carl in the face with his rapid metal fists. It was all in vain though. Carl ate all the semen and a dark aura started to form in a circle in the corner of the building. Joe sprinted at 95 mph to terry’s corpse and extracted the semen from his butthole. Joe ate terry’s butthole jizz. A dark aura formed in the opposing corner of the holy furniture store. Alec baldwin was summoned next to Carl, and Billy Baldwin formed next to Joe. The Baldwin brothers each drew their weapons and had a clash for the ages. Their swords(dicks) clashed and clanged throughout the store, and the furniture store owners just watched in awe as their final goals had been achieved. All the disgusting fossil fuels and gas emitting from Joe's mecha robot lizard MKII suit had made a hazy fog form over the entire facility and made it hard to see or breathe. The Baldwins each fell to a knee, and looked each other in the eye. Billy Baldwin turned over into the doggy style position and screamed. Flaming diarrhea flew out of Billy’s ass at 100 Mph and melted Alec into pieces. Soon he was sprinting towards Carl who was running away like a little faggot. He puked flaming diarrhea across the store and it burned a hole in Carl's stomach. Carl lost his balance and fell backwards, but never hit the ground. He landed in cold steel. He landed in the mecha robot arms of Joe Tahan. The two looked each other in the eyes and a sex aura was formed. Joe had used all the semen his body could ever produce though. Carl knew this too. Carl turned into the purple dinosaur with a 8 foot dick and was 30 feet tall. He was also known as Godzilla in this form. However, Johnny Knoxville swooped down like an eagle and severed Carl's head. Johnny walked over to his biological father Joe Tahan and thanked him for letting become the top jackass. Joe Tahan smiled and flew back to mars where he belonged. It was one of the more boring days in Joe's life.
Part III: Fulfillment of Purpose


		Joe landed safely on his home planet of mars. The solid red ball of apples known as the third planet in our solar system was where Joe Tahan was born and raised 93 years ago. His sexy wife Cindy Peters had a feast of mixed cold cut sandwiches with extra mustard laid out all over his home. He was eating his delicious feast and celebrating his victory over Carl. Suddenly, there was a disturbance in the air. A red sniper dot was on Joe Tahan's head and he immediately took cover. Thousands of rounds of ammunition were unloaded upon the  Tahan household. He saw his attacker and realized it was Max Sutton. He went into full mecha form, this time MKIII. He was 20 feet tall and started flying towards Max Sutton. Max was sniping his head like Joe was a deer. His aim was beautiful. Max screamed “HELP ME PAPA NICK” and then Big Daddy Nick Facciolo zoomed through the universe and mounted Joe Tahan from behind. His grilled pizza cock was scorching at almost 185 degrees Celsius. He thrusted it through Joe's anus and up into his intestines. Joe was about to face certain death from the deathly combo of Max Sutton and Nick Facciolo. However Mrs. Briggs from Ridgeway Middle School, home of the iCarly gang, decapitated both of the Faccolio alpha males. Joe Tahan embraced in a super sexy sweaty makeout session with Mrs. Briggs. Their tongues were moistly wrestling with each other. Joe's 19 inch titanium dick was getting anxious. Just as he was about to spear Mrs. Briggs when Cindy shit her pants and died. Joe flew over to his beloved wife and wept boiling tears. There was only one thing he had to do, and he had to do it fast. He flew at 10,000 mph  to the pentagon where he met his other lifelong rival, George Washington. Him and George were actually fraternal twins, but were separated at birth. Yes, Joe and George were both born during the 1700's so technically they should both be dead, but because of modern medicine and the ancient curse of the furniture kings, they were still alive. Everyone knows the story behind George and how he became the first US president and all that good stuff, but that wasn't really the truth. George was actually an ancient Egyptian pharaoh who sought to rule the solar system under his single wooden fist (yes, all his bones were wooden just like his teeth), and that would mean he had to stop Joe Tahan because Joe's planet Mars was part of the solar system. George was unsure about taking Joe in 1 on 1 physical combat, so he cast an evil curse upon Joe's wife Cindy, which caused her to release her bowels and pass on suddenly. Joe knew this was George's doing, and was not very happy about it. After he landed at the pentagon, he was confronted by his birth brother's secret service agent bodyguards, George Lopez, the crazy Mexicano comedian/actor, and Steven Tyler, lady-slayer and lead singer of the smash hit rock n' roll band Aerosmith. They were both armored up in their transparent zip suits and had their light sabers fastened at their waists. “hey boys how ya doin' today? Ya seen my brother George anywhere around here?” said Joe calmly. George's voice exploded at such a high audacity it shook the entire core of the earth as he screamed “WHAPPAH ANGIE, AYOS DE MIO!” and climbed aboard the Joe Tahan sex train. George gingerly slipped his Latino hot dog into the tight anal cavity of the furniture master. Steven was singing his hit single “Love in an Elevator” as George rhythmically pumped into Joe. Joe suddenly awakened his true form. His arms and legs turned into lean silver limbs, and his torso became an impenetrable solid metal. His titanium cock sprouted to literally 30 inches solid now, and he was ready to rumble with the big boys. He started shooting lasers out of his trusty cock missile gun, and George was blasted through the stomach with on good shot. “Ta Loca!” George screamed as he flew back. He looked up at Joe Tahan with his dying breath. “Hermano, I'd say you're doing pretty bad right now.” Steven teleported behind Joe and sliced him diagonally in half with his signature flying-v guitar light saber. Joe fell into two pieces, and he was dead. The furniture king had died, and it was over. Until, something magical happened. Joe's dead corpse starting leaking flaming diarrhea, and after enough of it had pooled into a circle under his limp body, Billy Baldwin was formed. He was completely mute, and did not mutter a sound. He whipped out his tugboat cock and smothered it all over Joe. His body gained the regenerative properties of a worm, and he was alive again. Steven used his teleporting skills to dispose of Billy, and Joe took advantage of the situation. His missile cock was still erect, and he fired one cannon blast and blew Steven Tyler to smithereens. Thousands of fangirls' hearts melted at this exact moment. George Lopez was beginning to undergo his transformation right about now. He was turning into Mr. Electric. However, Shark boy and Lava girl erupted up through the ground and ninja kicked the transformed Latino. Joe Tahan watched in awe as the deadly duo did work. They sprinted over to George and shark boy ripped off his shark suit. Below was a very average sized penis, but it was shaped like a shark and had fins and teeth and all other characteristics of a shark. He shoved his cartilage shark wiener into George's mouth, and it killed him. Lava girl came magma all over the ground and it started to melt through the earth. Joe knew this was really getting out of hand. He cranked it up to MKIV and blasted through the walls of the pentagon. He arrived at the ancient ritual chamber where the reptilian elite resided. The only person in the Illuminati headquarters was the lizard pharaoh himself, George Washington. “Hello Joseph. I've been waiting almost two centuries for the day when my brother finally came to face me.” Joe's machine suit was pumping tons of chemicals into the air. It coughed and sputtered and sent gas all over the walls and floor, but neither of them noticed. “georgey just come home man. Momma's cookin us a nice delicious dinnah. She's makin tomatuh pie and chili.” George turned around and face his brother. The OG president was a stalwart man, towering well over 9 feet, and wore the attire of an Egyptian prince. He had a scepter and everything, and was wearing an armor suit made entirely of gold. (budder). He took booming steps toward old man Joe. “Fuck you, and fuck mom.” He meant that quite literally. He swept Joe off his feet with his scepter and before Joe knew it he was receiving an unwelcome visitor in his ass. George Washington's dick was made of wood, just like his teeth were. Because all of Joe's body was encased in metal, his anus was really greasy and oily because that's where the chemicals and radiation from his suit were disposed out of. George was really going hard into Joe's ass and he came rainbows into his brother. “OH YES” screamed George as he unloaded several metric tons of wooden rainbow love. Joe pulled out his last secret weapon. He ate his petrified chicken nugget that he had been keeping in his pocket for the last 78 years. Suddenly Joe Tahan morphed into the Burger King. George was absolutely astonished at this. “Joe, what the fuck have you done? You can't use the power of the king yet, you're going to harm yourself!” The Burger King sprinted forward and shot hundreds of chicken nuggets from his mouth at the speed of light. Stronger than any bullet, they ripped through George Washington’s body like scissors cutting through wet tissue paper. George's entrails and blood splattered everywhere from the massive cannon blast of chicken nuggets unloaded upon his poor mortal body. Joe the burger king slowly fell to his knees, and was losing consciousness. It was then he blacked out, and slipped into the dream world.
He awoke in a retail store, looking to be a Dollar General or Dollar Tree of some sort. Joe looked down at his body, and he was still in Mecha Burger King form. He looked to his left where the cash out register sat, and his eyes met with the cashier. Brock Lesnar was working the counter, and he was pumping out people's orders like it was nobody's business. A lightning speed he was scanning all assortments of items ranging from tampons to toilet paper. He looked at Joe Tahan and fear pooled in his eyes. “Hey man, get out of the store. I can't have you polluting the air with all those chemicals and shit. Just what do you think you're doing, anyway?” Joe was absolutely astounded. He rushed over to the ignorant cashier and barreled him over. Brock was punching him with the force of a wrecking ball but it was to no avail. There was one last thing that he could do to avoid dying by the furniture king's hands. He ate his own respective chicken nugget and morphed into Mecha Ronald McDonald and threw the Burger King Joe across the store. The two were across the store from each other. “wat the fuk are you” screamed Joe through his burger king cosplay. “I'm your worst nightmare.”, said Brock as he lept across the room and gave Joe the attitude adjustment through the tiles of the store and through the ground of the earth. The two were flying downwards at the speed of sound, when Joe socked Brock in the face so hard his Ronald wig flew off. Brock did a 180 vertical power kick and sent Joe's burger king mask flying off. They landed in a pool of water several hundred miles below the surface, and it was pitch black. Brock screamed “HULK LET'S DO IT” and hundreds of insanely bright lights flashed on at the same time and there was a crowd of millions, possibly even billions, of people watching the two in the pool. Hulk Hogan's real American theme music was blasting so loud that the majority of the crowd went deaf. Hulk did his signature all American smash through the ceiling of the stadium and landed in the middle of the pool. Jerry the king lawler screamed into a microphone, “Our final wrestling match ever, is the super sexy chicken nugget sweaty poolside beach brawl match. Whoever cums first dies, and whoever cums second gets castrated and then dies.” The only reason this was the final wrestling match ever was because the sheer amount of semen that would be unleashed would be simply too much for the world to hold. After this match, all would be done. Hulk turned into an angel and flew above the ring. He planned to float there for whoever the winner was, and then he would swoop down like an all American eagle and take the win. The fast food chicken nugget kings were totally okay with this. It was an unusual climate for mecha Joe in water, and it was going to take some getting used to. Fortunately for Ronald Brock, he was born part fish. He swam at a very fast pace towards Burger Joe, but was intercepted. Hulk had done a perfect 10/10 swan dive off the rafters and severed Ronald in two. It was just Burger Joe and Hulk now, or so they thought. Hulk was steadily floating towards the furniture saint when Ronald Brock sprang up and mounted the Hulkster. Hulkamania was runnin wild tonight boys. Ronald was fucking the shit(literally) out of Hulk's ass and Hulk was really fighting it this time. Ronald's love was just oh so strong that he couldn't fight it anymore. Hulk blasted juicy cum and shit out of his own ass and was propelled forward at the speed of light. He flew through the walls of the stadium and was never heard from again. The attendees of the event sweat that hulk left a trail of the American flag as he soared through the air, but none of this is confirmed. Joe suddenly had a brilliant idea. He activated his final form, Burger King Mecha Reptilian Elite MKV, and sent massive amounts of electrical charges throughout the water. Most of the water evaporated on impact, but the little amount the remained ignited Ronald and sent him flying up into the sky. The massive explosion from Joe's discharge killed everyone in the entire stadium. Joe was very fatigued, and was about to die, when Brock Lesnar fell from his mighty fall, knocking them both down. Ronald McDonald and the Burger King looked at each other, and realized that all of their fighting should be ceased, for there is one final thing to be done. Joe slowly flew over to Ronald, and snapped his fingers. Both of their clothes vanished. Joe's shriveled old man dick was looking gray and useless, because he was on his final breathes. “Put it in me King Joe. I wanna do this just as much as you.” Joe silently agreed. He shoved the limp phallus into Brock's dick. Literally, into the dickhole. Their dicks conjoined together, and they bonded into one. The two radiated a holy aura as their lives slowly slipped away. “Hey Joe, you do know what's happening, right?” Joe knew all too well. After all, he had planned this from day one. After their bodies were finished morphing together, an infant would be formed. An infant that would change the world one day, whether it be for good, or for evil. “ya sonny, I do. I think we're gonna name the baby after me, Joe.” Brock smiled and said, “My parents were both males, and were both named Peter. I think his name should be Joseph Peters.” Joe came immediately at the sound of the divine name, and Joe Tahan the furniture king slipped into the afterlife.
As for the baby Joseph Peters, it is rumored, but not confirmed, that he's currently an adolescent boy who has very big aspirations for the future. A man named James Arthur Peters took him under his wing, and raised him as his own lad. Joseph plans to be a part time pharmacist while inheriting his stepfather's business, Peter's Glass, and running the entire glass economy and trade market. And that, ends the tale, of Joe Tahan and the Magical Mecha Cocks. And remember, Joe says: GO YANKEES!




Part IV: Dawn of the King

		The year was 1921. The day, January 29th. A hurricane of unseen force blew into Washington and Oregon, ravaging everything. The states were almost completely destroyed, practically ground to dust. All that was left from the hurricane was an infant wrapped in leather, that was wearing a pendant that was so scratched, rusted, and faded it was impossible to read what it said, if it even said anything. All that could be read was what looked like a carving of a couch, engraved into the back side of the amulet. When the baby was found, it was seriously malnourished and almost dead. Luckily for the baby, a local glass shop owner found him and immediately knew what to do next. James Peters super-glued the baby to his chest and flew to Mars, where all the orphaned babies go. After having the baby surgically removed, James looked the nurse in the eyes and said, "Never let go of the gas." As soon as the words left his lips he was in a glass go kart and zoomed into orbit at 750 mph. The baby grew much faster than any other human. Within 6 weeks of being found, he was already a fully grown man. He couldn't remember anything other than a lust for selling high class furniture, and gay sex. Lots of gay sex. Mars had a very advanced robot warfare program, funded by the Reptilian Elite and the Illuminati. The Mecha Robot master on Mars, was a beastly brute of a man named Jason "Jay" Anguish. He had the powers of a cyborg and was also part reptile. His job as Mecha Robot Master was to train all the orphans to become weapons of mass destruction by teaching them forbidden combat techniques that only aliens on Mars knew about. In this years class, there were only 6 participants. Brock Lesnar, George Washington, John Cena, Carl Levy, Greg Facciolo, and the baby (well, man now). Carl and Cena immediately felt a bond with each other, and were chatting up a storm. Just before their proctor entered the room, John had lightly placed his disgusting greasy paw on Carl's brittle crotch. He had to quickly swipe it away when their teacher karate kicked through the door, sending it flying off its hinges. Jay addressed the group with his booming commanding voice. "Hello students. I will assure you that when you leave my academy you will be able to clear a planet in no time. However, it is crucial you do not abuse your powers. If you do, the consequences will be unimaginable." Cena scratched his greasy brow. He was feeling anxious. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Jay Anguish disappeared out of thin air. He burst though the floor and blasted Cena across the room with a pressurized air gun and he slammed into the steel wall with a thud. Jay turned into a Medusa-like creature and slithered over to the champ. Instead of having snakes for hair, he had several erect penises. Cena looked in fear at his teacher and they locked eyes. Just as the Medusa legend goes, the big dog champ turned into a solid stone statue. Enraged by his best friends death, Carl sprinted over at the speed of light and 180 power kicked Jay. Jay was very displeased with his students' behavior.  He mounted Carl and an opening appeared on his slimy tentacle body. A monstrous 12 foot purple tentacle exploded out of Jay's midsection. It tore it's way into Carl's virgin ass. The other classmates just stared in horror. Pumping harder and harder, Jay unleashed several gallons of boiling toxic waste into Carl. Carl felt like someone had began to cook a hot dinner in his insides. Jay's poisonous semen was eating it's way through his body. But, just as the precious gift that is life was slipping away from him, a 300 kilo pill crashed through the ceiling. It opened like a space shuttle and a very hairy man tip toed out. Dr. Marc David Ritter was on the scene, to save his child. He pumped the toxins out of Carl's body and walked over to Jay. Jay said with a slithery voice, “Oh baby, what I'd do to lick your hairy burly man chest.” Ritter pulled out a pistol that fired pills and blasted Jay to smithereens. As soon as Jay was disposed of, Ritter ripped all his clothes off and kissed Carl goodbye. Ritter was never heard of again after that, and nobody truly knows where he went or what happened to the sexy doctor beast. Carl was absolutely infuriated that his best friend and lover had been killed in front of his own eyes. From that day own, the furniture lord was destined to overthrow the education system on Mars.
	The man found after the hurricane was tossing and turning in his sleep, when James Peters blasted through the wall. "You, my child. You remember nothing?" He asked with an inquisitive tone. "No.. Just this amulet...I-It's all I have and all I can remember..." He said discouragingly. "Well. Sit back son. There's a lot to be told. You were brought into this world for the sole purpose of being the king of furniture, stopping a great evil, and creating a prophet. You do those three things, and you'll have fulfilled your purpose in this universe. By fulfilling your purpose in this universe, you'll get the 72 virgins that you were promised." The man was becoming anxious, and he had no idea of any talk of 72 virgins. "But who am I? Why am I here?" James teleported into bed with him. "Your name, is Joseph Tahan." As soon as he muttered that sentence Jimmy's glass fingers were wrapped around Joe's hearty fat meaty young man dick. He looked in awe at the man who knew all. "Is this part of my destiny as well?" He asked, shivering in his voice. "Absolutely." Jimmy pulled out a glass dagger and slit his wrists. He screamed so loud the entire Milky Way Galaxy felt a tremble, and turned into Otto the orange, over 20 feet tall, and hundreds of pounds. His solid orange wiener hung 8 feet down, and weighed a couple hundred pounds. He aligned it with Joe Tahan's virgin asshole, and plundered the booty. Jimmy did what he did best, and blasted 4 kiloliters of liquified glass love up into Joe's womb. Jimmy blinked out of existence after this encounter. In the room adjacent to Joe's, an encounter very similar happened with Brock, with a man named Mike Fanelli turning into the Duke Blue Devil and violating Brock. The two would forever be eternal rivals, tied in by seminal fluids and anal discharge. The next year, Joe and Brock had advanced to the top of the class. George had left the academy one day for no apparent reason. He had been slowly falling behind in his grades, and becoming more and more quiet. His outfits slowly transformed into what looked like an Egyptian Prince/Reptile hybrid, but most people though of this as irrelevant. He flew away into the sky one day after whispering into Joe's ear, “Fear the Organization, brother. The Reptilian Elite is waiting for you, my brother.” Joe figured that George had just been suffering from severe mental disabilities, and shrugged it off after a couple days. Carl had been acting suspicious lately, and it would soon become evident why. As soon as all four were in attendance, Carl teleported behind their new teacher, George Mitchell, and shoved his monstrous veiny purple cock in his ass. The root was pulsating with lust. Greg turned into Zeus and zapped Carl with a bolt of lightning, stopping the monstrous rebel. He flew over to Carl and whipped his toga off to reveal a lightning bolt shaped penis. He pumped it into Carl. However, luckily for Carl, Greg had an average wiener so it wouldn't puncture any organs. "I'll let you live this time, Carl." Everyone blinked out of existence at that very moment, and nobody knows what happened. Joe flew to Earth after he felt his training was sufficient. He opened a little tiny store, with a bell on the door, called Joe Tahan's furniture. Carl surfaced after 30 years of being reported dead, and opened a furniture store right across the street from Joe Tahan's furniture. George would go on to form the Reptilian Elite, and Greg was the Greek God Sergeant of the Galaxy. One day, on a fine afternoon in 2014, Brock barged into Carl's furniture city carrying several blueprints and slammed them down on the counter. Carl and Brock's eyes met, and they kissed, and the plan was set into motion.




 	But no matter what happens, the true furniture king, Joseph Tahan, will go down in history, as the man, who stopped all evils in the world, made a true prophet with who he thought was his mortal enemy, and created a new meaning for love. The furniture lord and savior of this galaxy, Joe Tahan, will never be forgotten, as long as this Earth still spins.






FIN