yahoo thing

i've been feeling like this for more than a little while (it's been going like this for a couple years tbh), but i've never really been sure about it. any time i try to broach the subject of believing that "hey, maybe there's something wrong with me" to my parents, they (as open minded as they usually are) just wave it off and say "you're fine honey." i know my mom deals with a lot of bullshit, and probably suffers from some mild form of depression herself, so i don't want to have to add onto all the shit everyone in the house has to deal with, but i don't really know what to do. i mean, i don't have any friends irl, and i don't want to pile my bs on my online friends, so i really don't have anyone to talk to about this.

for a long time, i've been feeling really.....apathetic? i guess? about everything. schoolwork, things i enjoy, things i used to enjoy, my own personal health and hygiene, etc. even when i have deadlines for things its almost physically impossible to force myself to get things done because i literally just do not give a shit but at the same time i care a whole helluva lot and the pressure causes me to get anxious and i get worried and upset but it just causes me to not want to try because what's the point when i know i'm probably just gonna fail anyway and i just feel completely hopeless and disgusted with myself all the while and its just. yeah. but its not like that all the time though. there's been plenty of moments where i feel perfectly normal, but in between, my mindset isn't the greatest. i don't hold myself in very high regard,

so my feelings about myself tend to run along the lines of "god what the fuck is your problem now you're such a worthless piece of shit you will amount to nothing your feelings are invalid just sleep for the whole day you literal fucking trash"

not. necessarily like that but i think it gets the point across.

i also have moments where i just start crying for no reason? and other times where i'm angry as hell and i don't know why but i have basically no way to let it out healthily ?? a parent is usually almost always home and even when they're not i have my pets and the neighbors downstairs and i don't want to stress anyone out or cause a bunch of commotion and piss off the folks below us so i end up repressing and ignoring it (or uh. in some cases in the past i end up cutting my hair?? which i guess is a better alternative to self harm but it still pisses my mom off so that doesn't happen too often) not to mention i usually end up sleeping too much or way too little and my eating habits are fucking atrocious and i can't focus on anything no matter how hard i try and just. yeah. its a mess and im a mess.

even with all that i mean?? i do sort of believe that i don't have any right to feel this way because while my life has been a little stressful and i have had to deal with things that would probably cause kids a lot of worry and unease back when i was younger its not really that bad?? there are tons of people who have it far worse than i do and whenever i think about it i feel disgusted with myself but i still end up feeling the way i do anyhow.

i do know that i suffer from anxiety (both social and not) which probably doesn't really help me at all but i'm not. sure if this is depression or not? and if it is, is there anything i can do for it? is there a way to be tested for this?

(sorry for the lack of capitalization and punctuation and the run on sentences and the constant cursing and whatever else is making this difficult to read. i just kinda type like this when i get all word-vomity.)