CHAPTER 1

The outing. Right, class six. RIGHT, class six! I'm talking! I'M talking! I want COMPLETE quiet! And that includes you, David Alexander. Yes, you. No need to turn around, David, there aren't any other David Alexanders here, are there? Louise, it isn't absolutely necessary for your watch to play us "London's Burning" just now, is it? Right, as you know, it was our plan to go out today to the... science museum. Now, I had hoped that it wouldn't be necessary for me to tell you- yes, you as well, Abdul. You're in class six as well, aren't you? I saw that, Mark! I saw that! Any more, and it'll be out! No trip! NOTHING! I HAD hoped that it wouldn't be necessary for me to tell you how to BEHAVE when we go on a trip, BUT... and this is a big but... you haven't heard a word I've said, have you, Donna? This is a BIG BUT, I have to tell you how to behave, don't I? Why? Yes, it is because you never listen, but there's another reason, isn't there? Yes, Warren. Because of what happened last time. Let's remind ourselves of a few things, shall we? The food... even as I speak! Would you believe it? I can see that Fan has opened her can of drink! I don't... I don't believe it! I really don't! Do we have lunch at nine-thirty at school? No! We have lunch at twelve-fifteen, but Fan, you've already begun yours. If you remember last time, Joanna had eaten all her sandwiches before she even got to school, Lloyd sat on his orange and burst it, and Alfred put one of those little chocolate Swiss rolls in his pocket, and yes, it melted. Yes. So remember, lunch is when? Yes, yes, yes... of course, lunch is at lunchtime, but WHEN? Twelve-fifteen. Correct. Now, perhaps, I thought, when I got up this morning, I won't have to tell class six about what to do when we get to the station. But then I remembered David's little gang who decided they wouldn't wait for me for tell them what train to get on, and before we all knew it David and his little gang were heading for the seaside on their own. Now, when we get to the museu- of course, you're not listening, are you Lydia? But then of course your didn't listen last time, did you, and then you wondered why you sat on Lloyd's orange after Lloyd had already sat on it once! When we get to the museum, do we run about the corridors? Do we run around screaming? Do we go sliding on the shiny floors? No we don't, no we don't, no we- thank you, Mervin! That's enough! I'm very glad you've got jam in your sandwiches, Mervin. We're all glad you've got jam in your sandwiches, Mervin, but what's it got to do with sliding on the floor of the science museum? Precisely nothing! I'm very sorry Mervin, but nobody, nobody at all, wants to know about the jam in your sandwiches, Mervin! Now, when you're ready, when you're quiet, we'll all go- that doesn't mean leaping up in the air, does it, Karen? Louise, why is your watch now playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"? Yes, I know it could be "For She's a Jolly Good Fellow", Zoey, but that isn't what we're talking about now, is it? MERVIN! If I hear about your sandwiches, your jam, or the jam in your sandwiches, if I hear about any of it once more, I shall give them to the ducks. Yes, John! What do you want? ... I don't know WHAT ducks, John. ANY ducks! Right! When there's COMPLETE quiet... COMPLETE QUIET, you'll find your partners and stand by the door... oh, no... not one of those... (heh) not ANOTHER one of those little chocolate Swiss rolls again, Alfred. Surely not. Marcia, you cannot have Charmaine and Donna as your PARTNER, because that makes three and three doesn't mean PARTNER, does it? And perhaps you could put your comb in your bag for at least three seconds, just giving us enough time to get to the door? Hm? Right, okay then, class six, we're off! ... Why not leave your watch behind, Louise? Hm?

(2008.02.19) A Ball (0m22s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mr52OcLYRQ

A ball. Laura laughs if she sees a ball bounce. I don't think it's funny. I wonder if I used to laugh at a ball bouncing when I was two, like Laura. And if I used to laugh, why did I stop?

(2008.02.19) Cool Guy and Fool Guy (0m18s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhqPgEXP4bo

Cool Guy and Fool Guy. Cool Guy met Fool Guy going down the street. Said Cool Guy to Fool Guy, who you gonna meet? Said Fool Guy to Cool Guy, I don't want no meat! Said Cool Guy to Fool Guy, I mean meet, not meat!

(2008.02.19) Eileen (0m20s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-2d_qdsr9M

Eileen. My name is Eileen Ogle, and I run a dancing school. My name is Eileen Ogle, and my sister is a fool. My name is Eileen Ogle, I teach little girls to dance. My name is Eileen Ogle, and I'm living in a trance.

(2008.02.19) Deep Down (0m27s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ILTJnCgiRE

Deep down. Deep down where I don't know, deep down inside, there's a place, so sad. Such a sad, sad place. Sometimes it fills up, and it fills up, and it fills up, and overflows in my eyes. And all of me is, so sad, such a sad, sad place.

(2008.02.19) George (0m21s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqF_ZJ4sT8g

George. George said sometimes my dad doesn't shave and his face is all prickly. The new teacher said, "What does your mother say about that?" And George didn't say anything. Clair said, "His mum don't live with his dad," and the teacher said, "Don't say don't, say doesn't." And Clair said, "I live with my auntie."

(2008.02.19) Conversations with a Two Year Old (0m31s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWpn7_JPrE8

Conversations with a Two Year Old. Do you want an apple? No. What do you want, then? An apple. Do you want something to eat? No. Do you want some puffed wheat? Yes! What are you doing? Got my pockets in my hands. What's the time? Twenty-four hours ago. Go wash your hands in the bathroom. My hands aren't in the bathroom! What's the matter? I've got a headache in my foot. Now what's the matter? I've got a tummyache in my head. Are you all right? I done saw a funny noise.

(2008.02.19) Far Away (0m21s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YC3ZOPOMEQA

Far away. I want to tell you about a place I went, far, far away. I sat on the grass with someone there, I sat on the grass with someone who loved me, I've never seen her again and I don't think I'll ever see that place I went, far, far away.

(2008.02.19) Box (1m05s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYBKW28nACY

Box. I made a box, with a lid, and locks, big enough for me to sit in. I took the chance, climbed in, and bolted the lid above me. I'd made the walls of my box so that they could move in towards me. The sides and the top could come closer and closer towards me simply by my turning a handle from the inside of my box. Now that I was inside with the lid shut, I turned the handle and the box closed on me. I could feel the bolts in the walls digging into my skin. I could feel my neck being squashed down. I felt like clothes in a suitcase. My arms binding my body up. I stopped still, feeling the feeling of it. Look what I've made for myself. Look what I'm doing. Look at the box. Though you won't see me. I'm on the inside. Walnut in its shell.

(2008.02.19) Fridge (1m13s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlfJx1aDmR4

Fridge. Once, I went to the fridge, saw our jug in there and I thought, "What's in it?" A syrup. What syrup? Smell it. *sniff* Mmm! Smells nice. Finger in. Lick it. *slurp* *click* Tastes nice. Lift the jug and drink a bit. *slurp* *click* Oh, this is good. This is... *slurp* *click* PEACH SYRUP! Tinned peach syrup! What a drink! So I drank the lot. *SLUUURP* *click* Not long after, a few days later, I went to the fridge again, saw our jug in there. What's in it? A syrup. What syrup? Smell it. *sniff* Mmmm! Oh yes, this is peach syrup again! Lift the jug, and drink! *slurp* And drink some more! *slurp* And drink some more! *slurp* *click* Ahhh! Drink the lot! Not long after, a few days later, I went to the fridge, saw our jug in there. What's in it? A syrup. Yes! Here we go again! Lift the jug and fill my mouth with that thick sweet juice! *SLUUURP* *WARGHBGL* This isn't peach, this is...  *BLEAGHAGH* My mouth is full of oil! Thick cooking oil! I wonder who put that there.

(2008.02.19) Fast Food (2m38s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHPEO58FjZo

Fast food. A hamburger sat in a hamburger bar, waiting to be fried. No one's gonna put me, it said, into anyone's inside. 'Cause eating me is cruel, eating me is murder, you can't catch me, I'm the speedy hamburger. So up jumped the hamburger, and ran out of the bar. Hey, come back here!, said the hamburger cook. You won't get very far. But hamburger rolled out of the door, and off down the street. Who'd you think what the first person hamburger happened to meet? Lollipop lady was walking home with a lollipop in her hand! Get out of the way!, hamburger yelled. I'm the fastest in the land! Catch that hamburger!, the cook yelled out. So lollipop lady turned, and gave hamburger a shout. Hey!, little hamburger! You can't run away! But as hamburger rushed past, he just had time to say, eating me is cruel, eating me is murder, you can't catch me, I'm the speedy hamburger. Hamburger cook and lollipop lady ran off down the street. And who'd you think was the next person hamburger happened to meet? Lemonade boy with lemonade bottles was loading up the van, when hamburger rushed past, shouting, I'm the fastest in the land! Catch that hamburger, said hamburger cook. It's trying to run away! We're gonna catch the little--- Lollipop lady began to say. I'll catch it, said lemonade boy. I'm really fast! But just then he heard hamburger shout, as it went hurtling past, eating me is cruel, eating me is murder, you can't catch me, I'm the speedy hamburger. So hamburger cook and lollipop lady, followed by lemonade boy, ran off up the street, shouting hamburger! ahoy! Hamburger rolled and hamburger ran and hamburger couldn't be caught. And hamburger rolled and hamburger ran, right into an airport. Stop right there, said security guard. Where do you think you're trying to go? I'm just a little hamburger, it said, and I don't know where to go! For a moment it stood in front of the guard, and it darted past. You won't catch me, it shouted. You can't run very fast! Eating me is cruel, eating me is murder, you can't catch me, I'm the speedy hamburger. Hamburger rolled through the terminal and out onto the runway. It ran up to a plane to Jamaica that was waiting to get away. The aeroplane took off and flew into the air, and all the people heard something, as they were standing there. Eating me is murder, you can't catch me, I'm the speedy hamburger. *qwoooooo*

(2008.02.19) Babysitter (4m19s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rAcfcg2gFM

Babysitter. Sometimes my mum and dad used to go out. This meant that my brother had to babysit me. He hated it, because I just wouldn't go to bed when he told me to. He was four years older than me - well, actually, he, he still is. He'd shout, he'd rant and rave, "Will you go to bed?!" But I never went, until I heard the front door open, with mum and dad coming back, and then I'd be upstairs, into bed, in a flash. Anyway, after a few months of this, my mum and dad tried something new. Just before they went out, they said, "Right, Mick, you go to bed before we go out, and you stay there!" "Okay," I said, "Okay! Yeah! Okay!" And off I went to bed. I lay there, waiting to hear the front door close. Slam! And straight away, I was out the bed, down the stairs, into my brother's room. There he is, sitting there, reading. First of all, he tries "I'm not taking any notice of Michael". He goes on reading. I think, I'll make him notice! I put my face behind the book, with my eye peeping round the edge of the book. Every time he gets to the end of a line, his eye looks into my eye. He tries to pretend I'm not there. It's no good. He can't. My eye is peeping away like mad, round the edge of the book. He starts to laugh. "Look, heh heh, yeah, look..." he says, "This isn't fair! You promised you'd stay in bed! I'll tell 'em! I'll tell 'em! I will!" So now I go and stand by the door. And I fiddle. I make little rattly noises with the handle and the key. Fiddle diddle. *click* Riddle diddle. *click click click* He tries to pretend I'm not there. It's no good. He can't. I'm rattling away like mad with the handle and the key. He starts to laugh. "Haha, right," he says, "All right, that's it!" He sounds like he's gonna really do for me, so now he tries, "I'm going to be so boring, Michael will get so fed up he'll go back to bed." He starts up a chant. Gotobedgotobedgotobedgotobedgotobedgotobedgotobed, he doesn't stop, gotobedgotobedgotobedgotobed, he goes on for ages, gotobedgotobedgotobed. I try to talk to him. "Hey, what do you want for your birthday, Brian?" Gotobedgotobedgotobed. "Do you want a sweet?" Gotobedgotobedgotobed. "Hey, you've got a pimple on the end of your nose, you know." Gotobedgotobedgotobed. And I'm still fiddling with the door. I lock it. *click* I unlock it. *click* I lock it. *click* I try to unlock it. *click* Mmh! *click* Mmh! Mmh! Gotobedgotobedgo... uh, Briaaaan. I can't unlock... heheh... the door. Gotobedgotobed. Briaaan. Erm... uh... the key's stuck. He stops. Suddenly, he looks pleased. And he settles down with his book and waits. Meanwhile, I've got big bother. They're gonna come back, and find me here, and I've got out of bed, and I've come in his room, and I've locked the door, and it's really late, and it's all my fault. I try and I try, and I get that key to work. Fiddle riddle diddle diddle fiddle riddle diddle diddle... for three hours I'm at it, and all the time my brother is... not taking any notice of Michael. The front door opens. "Hello!" my mum calls out. She gets to my brother's door. "Did Michael stay in bed all right?" She's trying to turn the handle. "Let us in, Brian!" says my dad, cheerily. No answer from us inside. My brother is waiting for me to say something. I'm hoping he'll say something. We're looking at each other. "Come on, Brian!" says my dad, getting a bit cross. Oh no! The moment I dread when Dad goes from being cheery to absolutely furious! In a weedy little voice I say, "I locked the door!" That really winds them up. There's my mum. "Is that you, Michael? You're still up? You promised you'd stay in bed. It isn't fair on Brian." And there's my dad and he's roaring, "Would you believe it, the little pig? And the door's jammed! I'll have to break it down. Guhh, when I get inside, oh! He's gonna be in for big trouble!" And me, I'm standing there, all shaky and sorry and shuddery, but my brother, what's he doing? He's smiling all over his big face. Yeah. He took the key out, passed it under the door, and they opened it. I dashed out, off to bed, faster than an electronic rabbit.

(2008.02.19) Headache (0m18s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ss1nJqS3WjY

Headache. It's a lump, in your head. It's the blade of a knife in there. It's your veins bursting. It's your skull, squeezing your brains. It's a headache.

(2008.02.19) Goldfish (0m45s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJFZ9LvfWVY

Goldfish. On Monday my dad woke me up. "Wake up! Wake up," he shouts, "your goldfish is dead!" I rushed over to the tank. He wasn't dead. It was just one of his tricks. On Tuesday my dad woke me up. "Wake up! Wake up," he shouts, "your goldfish is dead!" I rushed over to the tank. He wasn't dead. It was just one of his tricks. On Wednesday, my dad woke me up. "Look, wake up." he says, dead quietly. "Your goldfish is dead." "Ohhh no it isn't," I said. "Look, it is." he said. "Oh noo it isn't," I said. "Look, it really is," he said. So I got up, and there was my goldfish, stuck on its side, on the top of the water, mouth open, eyes staring, tail stiff, dead in my tank. It wasn't one of his tricks.

(2008.02.19) Hot Air (0m39s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3gEB2Ya3_Q

Hot air. I like it when you go to those places where they have those hot air things to dry your hands. You press the silver button, the machine starts roaring, and hot air rushes out of a silver spout. You hold your hands under it, and the water just dries off your hand. Some of them, you can turn the spout and make it blow your hair about. If you turn the spout round when your friends come in, they go to dry their hands and the hot air goes whooosh! Into their face. Whooosh! Warms your nose up, that it does.

(2008.02.19) Harrybo's Grandad (1m13s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sp5bi-82Ajs

Harrybo. Once, my friend Harrybo came to school crying. We said, "What's the matter? What's the matter?" And he said his grandad had died. So we didn't know what to say. Then I said, "How did he die?" and he said "He was standing on St. Pancras station waiting for the train and he just fell over and died." And then he started crying again. He was a nice man, Harrybo's grandad. He had a shed with tins full of screws in it. Mind you, my gran was nice too. She gave me and my brother a red shoehorn each. Maybe Harrybo's grandad gave Harrybo a red shoehorn. Dave said, "My hamster died as well." So everyone said, "Shhhh!" And Dave said, "I was only saying!" And I said, "My gran gave me a red shoehorn." Rodge said, "I got a pair of trainers for Christmas." And Harrybo said, "You can get ones without laces." And we all said, "Yeah, it does... that's right Harrybo, you can." Any other day, we'd've said, "Of course you can! We know that, ya fool!" But that day, we said, "Yeah, that's right Harrybo, yeah, I know, you can."

(2008.02.19) Horrible (1m34s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWCvAuMts4A

Horrible. I was starving. All I had for breakfast was one apple, and fifteen raisins. It was half-past-twelve and I had to get to Hanwell-Hampstead. So I bought a pizza. And I ran and ran and jumped on my train, as we pulled out of Euston station I began to eat. Trouble was, my pizza was in a paper bag. One sloppy, cheesy pizza with the melting cheese and tomato stuck to the bag. So I peeeeled off the paper, off my pizza, but it was slippery and sticky, and the pizza came off in soggy lumps that I scooped together and pushed into my mouth. *mmm unf* Blob by blob. But then there were dollops of pizza hiding in the corner of the bag, so I was holding the bag up to my face tipping it into my mouth. *hmm mmf awmff* I was drinking pizza, and my fingers were running with dribbles of tomato and *mmm ah* and slops of spicy cheese all over my knuckles. So there I was *mhh ahh* licking up my skin, but my fingers were trailing all over my chin. So off went my tongue, round my face. *Ahhhngghhahh* Hunting for drips of pizza. But a bit of paper bag had got into my mouth, so I was in there, trying to get it out with the finger I was licking. *ahh ohhh* It.. ah.. It was diving into the slobber in my mouth, and I was *sniff* snuffling with my nose. *Snort* Nguh, like I was *snort* breathing in pizza. It was then I noticed the woman opposite. She was watching me. She looked like she had never seen anything quite so horrible in all her life.

(2008.02.19) Logic (0m17s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BUBrn1l9jw

Logic. A girl said, "I wrote myself a letter." So I said, "What did it say?" And she said, "I don't know, I won't get it 'til tomorrow." A boy said, "I'm really glad my mum called me Jack." I said, "Why's that?" He said, "'cause all the kids at school call me that."

(2008.02.20) I Think (0m23s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egbT29RPuEE

I think. I think it's really bad news they don't put paper in our school loos. If you need paper you have to ask right in front of everyone in class. You may think I'm a bit of a fool, but that's why I don't go to school.

(2008.02.20) Hot Food (1m03s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Akwm2UZJ34o

Hot food. We sit out to eat, and the potato's a bit hot. So I only put a little bit on my fork and I blow. *puff* 'Til it's cool. Just cool. Then it's into the mouth. *hawlp* *click* Nice. And there's my brother, he's doing the same. *puff puff* 'Til it's cool. Just cool. Into the mouth. *HAWLP* *click* Nice! There's my mum, she's doing the same. *puff puff* 'Til it's cool. Just cool. Into the mouth. *HAWLP* *click* Nice! But my dad. My dad, what does he do? He stuffs a great big chunk of potato, and then that really does it. His eyes pop out. He flaps his hands. He blows, he puffs, he yells, he bobs his head up and down. He spits bits of potato all over his plate and he turns to us and he goes, "Watch out, everybody! The potato's really hot!"

(2008.02.20) Me and my Brother (1m27s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWRzoffHz1Q

Me and my brother. Me and my brother, we sit up in bed, doing my dad's sayings. I got to bed first, and I'm just dozing off, and I hear a funny voice going, "Never let me see you doing that again," and it's my brother. Poking his finger out, just like my dad, going, "Never let me see you doing that again." And so I join in, and we're both going! "Never let me see you doing that again." So what happens? Next time I get into trouble, and my dad is telling me off, and he's going, "Never let me see you doing that again." So I'm looking up and my dad and I'm going, "Sorry, Dad. Yeah. Sorry." And I suddenly catch sight of my brother's big face poking out from behind my dad. And while my dad is poking me with his finger in time with the words, "Never let me see you doing that again." Just where I can see him, my brother is saying the words as well, with his mouth, without making a sound. So I start laughing. And so my dad says, "And it's no laughing matter." Of course, my brother knows that one as well and he's going with his mouth, "And it's no laughing matter." But my dad's not stupid, he knows something's going on, so he looks round, and there's my brother, with his finger poking out just like my dad. And I'm standing there laughing. Oh no! And that's when we get into Really. Big. Trouble.

...okay, we got there Ni--

(2008.02.20) Michael Rosen Rap (1m36s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCkM-IJew3Q

The Michael Rosen Rap. You may think I'm happy, you may think I'm sad. You may think I'm crazy, you may think I'm mad. But hang on to your seats and listen right here, I'm gonna tell you something that'll burn your ear. A hip, hop, a hip hop hap, I'm giving you all, the Michael Rosen Rap Rap Rap Rap. I was born on the Seventh of May, I remember very well that awful day. I was in my mother, curled up tight, though I have to say it was as dark as night. Nothing to do, didn't wanna breathe. I was so happy, didn't wanna leave. Then I hear some people give a shout, "One push, Mrs. Rosen, and he'll be out." I'm telling you, that was a puzzle to me. I shouted out, "How'd you know I'm a he?" Doctor shouted, "Good lord, he can talk!" I popped out my head and said, "Now watch me walk." I juked and jived around that room, ba lam bam boola, ba lam ba diddy boom. A hip hop, a hip hop hap, I'm giving you all, the Michael Rosen Rap Rap Rap Rap. When I was one, I swam the English channel. When I was two, I ate a soapy flannel. (?) When I was three, I started getting thinner. When I was four, I ate the dog's dinner. When I was five, I was in a band playing drums. When I was six, I ate a bag of plums. When I was seven I robbed a bank with my sister. When I was eight I became Prime Minister. When I was nine I closed all the schools. When I was ten they made me king of the fools. So that's what I am, that's what I be, with an M, with an I, with a K, with an E, that's what I am, that's what I be, Mister Mike, Mister Michael, Mister Rosen, Mister Me. A hip, hop, A hip hop hap, I'm giving you all, the Michael Rosen Rap rap rap rap rap rap rap rap rap rap rap rap...

(2008.02.20) London Airport (2m23s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fuE5Zahzbk

London Airport. Once my brother said, "Why don't we go to London Airport for your birthday treat? We can spend all day there, London Airport, looking at the planes. It'll be great. Yeah, I said. It'll be great. Mum said yes, so we took sandwiches and chocolate and drinks. I was really looking forward to it. When we got there, my brother found out that there was this bus that you could go on, a kind of trip round the runways so you could get right close up to the big jets. Great. Really great. So he got the tickets, and we got onto the bus, and as we were getting on I said, "Brian, I wanna wee." So he goes, "Well you can't now, this is the last bus today. It's just about to go. We won't get on another one." "Brian, I wanna wee." So he goes, "Look, you can't. You can't now. It'll wait. It's not that long a time to wait." So we got on, the bus started up and away we went. The driver starts going, "We're coming to Runway Four now. If you look to your right you can see two planes..." "I'm dying for a wee!" I said. "It'll go away!" says my brother. "I wanna wee," I say. "What's the matter?" said the man in front. "He wants a wee," said my brother. "Well, you can wait, can't you?" said the man. "No!" I said. "Well, don't do it here, will you sonny?" he says. "Can we stop the bus?" I said. "Don't be daft!" says my brother. "We're on the end, we're... on the end of Runway Four! You can't do a wee on the end of Runway Four!" And the bloke driving the bus goes, "If you look out of your window, you can see a baggage truck." "I'm gonna wet myself," I said. My brother says, "Look! There's Concorde! Just think of something else, will you?" "I can't!" I said. "It's hurting! I've got to do it! I've got to do it!" The bus went on. We saw more planes. And more planes. And MORE planes. "You haven't wet yourself, have you?" My brother says. "No!" More planes. MORE planes. More planes. "Here goes!" I said. Then the bus stopped. I rushed off the bus, I got to the toilet, and everything was lovely once again. Wonderful. And then we went home. Mum said, "Did you have a good time, boys?" And my brother said, "It was great. Really great." "And how about you?" she said to me. "How was your birthday treat?" "All right." I said "All right. But I wanted a wee. And they wouldn't let me. And I cried."

(2008.02.20) May (2m06s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpuYKGDw0EQ

May. A woman called May used to look after us sometimes. Her husband was a bus conductor, and he could wink with both eyes. Fantastic! We used to meet him on the bus, and when we got our tickets off him, if we were lucky, he'd wink one eye, then wink the other eye. Again and again. Really fast. Fantastic! But best was May. When she came over, after tea, we played games. My favorite was raisins. This is how we played raisins. We tipped the raisins out of the raisins jar and we each guessed how many raisins there were. Hundred and forty-eight, I'd say! Two hundred and thirty-one, May'd say! Then we took one raisin each, counting. I take one, one, put it in my mouth. May takes one, two, she puts it in her mouth. I take one, three, into my mouth. May takes one, four, in her mouth. And so it went on. Hundred and thirty-one, in my mouth. Hundred and thirty-two, in her mouth. I love raisins, all chewy and sweet. Mmmmm. Two hundred and one in my mouth. Two hundred and two in May's mouth. Two hundred and three, last one, in my mouth. *mmph!* May had guessed best! She had guessed two hundred and thirty-one. But now, we'd eaten all the raisins. They were all gone. The jar was empty. Could be trouble. Anyway, then it was bedtime. At teatime the next day, we were having fruit salad, and my brother said, "I'll have raisins on this!" He went to the cupboard, and he saw the empty jar, and he goes, "Where've all the raisins gone? The jar was full yesterday! Mum! He's eaten them all! Look at his face! You can see he's eaten them. Tell him off, Mum! Tell him off!" And my Mum says to me, "Did you eat them?" And I say, "Me and May did." And my brother says, "See? I told you, it's not fair, Mum! He's a greedy little pig!" And then a picture came into my mind of the night before, of me and May counting the raisins into our mouths, all chewy and sweet. Mmmmmmmm. So I said, "I'm not a greedy little pig!" And my mum said to my brother, "Raisins don't last all week, you know." But I didn't tell anyone about our game. Raisins. Two hundred and three. Mmmmmmmmm.

(2008.02.22) My Mum (0m14s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvA9emXSSzs

My mum. My mum said to me and my brother, "Don't crumble your bread or roll in the soup." I said, "I don't want to roll in my soup." Then she said, "Eat up, Michael." And my brother said, "I don't want to eat up Michael."

(2008.02.22) Puzzle 2 (0m10s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_0dFMiRJaE

Puzzle two. He was so tempted, he couldn't help himself. So he helped himself.

(2008.02.22) Puzzle 1 (0m11s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kWcgrUBIBE

Puzzle one. She said I said he lied, but I said she said he lied. When you said she said I said he lied, he said, he didn't lie.

(2008.02.22) Quiet Please (0m17s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-dW3InkBeM

Quiet please. No need to shout. No need to yell. No need to have a riot. Shut your eyes, take a deep breath... *gasp* Oh, you've gone all quiet.

(2008.02.22) My Dad Calls Me (0m44s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=427SGqNBdN0

My dad calls me. When I tell fibs, my dad calls me, "Louie Lou Liar." When I come in from playing with my clothes a bit mucked up he calls me, "Dopey Dog Dirt." When we were in this cafe on holiday and I had laughed and coughed up orange juice all over the floor, my dad called me, "Gary Gobhound." When I watch telly all Saturday morning and I get a bit dozy, my dad calls me "Wally Tellybrains." When my nose is a bit runny and I can't find my hanky, my dad calls me, "King of the Bogies." I call him, "Nag Bag!"

(2008.02.22) My Dad (0m29s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lNB9RWgbo4

My dad. My dad says, after the war was over, everyone came home to sort things out. There weren't gonna be any more wars. There weren't gonna be any more poor people. There weren't gonna be any more bad houses. There weren't gonna be any more people out of work. That was forty years ago. Now they're trying to invent spaceships that drop bombs.

(2008.02.22) No-one In (0m45s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLZrWpqt4KA

No one in. Sometimes you come home, and there's no one in. There are no lights on. No food ready. No telly. No one laughing. No jokes. Just you, on your own. That's when my brain starts doing things. You know, murderers and mad dog stuff. I'll tell you what I do. When I open the door, I shove it really hard and fast and it bangs against the wall really loud, so if he's hiding behind the, he'll get it right on the nose. I never have got him. I tell you what did happen. The door handle made a great big hole in the wall.

(2008.02.22) Schram and Scheddle (0m55s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUz76fviFik

Schram and Scheddle. There's an old shop in Islington called Schram and Scheddle. Today it's a shop that sells, "Preposterous Presents." I imagine that a long time ago it was a tailor's shop, and it went like this. Mister Schram was the boss. Mister Scheddle sat at the sewing machine with his foot on the pedal, sewing away. Sometimes Mister Schram thought Mister Scheddle wasn't working hard enough, so he shouted, "Pedal, Scheddle!" And Scheddle snarled back, "Scram, Schram!" And so it went on, day after day. "Pedal, Scheddle!" "Scram, Schram!" "Pedal, Scheddle!" "Scram, Schram!" "Pedal, Scheddle!" "Scram, Schram!"

(2008.02.22) Presents 2 (1m09s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=El7JSqzX2tM

Presents. It was Christmas Eve. I knew Father Christmas was Mum and Dad. I knew he didn't come down the chimney, and instead, they came through the door. I knew it all didn't come out of a sack, but instead, they left a heap of stuff at the end of the bed. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. What I didn't know was what was gonna be in the heap. But I went to sleep. So then I woke up. Nothing. So I went to sleep. So then I woke up. Nothing. Oh! Was that piece of paper there before? Must've been. So I went to sleep. So then I woke up. Nothing. And it's morning! Has Father Christmas forgotten me? Eheh, I mean, Mum and Dad? Get up, feeling bad, feeling worse than bad, terrible, nearly crying. That piece of paper... what is it? It's a picture of a bike. And underneath it, it says "Downstairs." So it's rush, rush, downstairs, front room, and there it was, propped up against a chair in front of the telly. Big and shining. The bike! Of course! Ha! Father Christmas couldn't stuff a bike down the chimney, could he?

(2008.02.22) Spots in my Eyes (1m11s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtEZSE2GYNo

Spots in my eyes. I've got spots in my eyes. Not spots you can see, they're on my side. I see them when I'm looking at you. To start with, I thought it was dirty windows. Then I thought it was little flies in the air, but it isn't, it's spots in the eyes. I'm trying to find out where the spots are in my eyes. If you see me staring at a white wall or trying to make one eye look at the other eye, that's what I'm doing. Looking for the spots in my eyes. Actually, I don't know what an eye is. Maybe it's a plastic ball, or it's a kind of round fishtank, glass outside, water inside, and the spots are floating around in the fishtank of my eye. I wish I could get rid of them. When people look up at the sky and say, "Look at that! Haha! Not a cloud in sight!" I look up, too. And there's all that blue sky, and there, floating across that blue are, the spots.

(2008.02.22) Presents (2m48s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtQxSRiMKZU

Presents. I gave my mum and dad all kinds of Christmas presents. I used to go round the shops for hours, looking at razors, key rings, clothes brushes, bath salts, chocolate gingers. Once, I thought I'd made a breakthrough. I was at Salmon's, the ironmongers, and there they were. Two jug things. They were both made of glass, except for the tops. One was a milk jug and it had a bright green plastic top, and there was a little lever on it, and when you pulled the lever, a little door slid open and you poured your milk out through the little door. The other jug was for sugar. This one had a bright green plastic top as well,but this one was a type of funnel so you could pour the sugar out, but it wasn't any kind of funnel! It was special. It had a little gadget inside the funnel, so you only poured out one teaspoonful at a time. Magic! So I bought these wonderful things. I gave them to my mum and dad for Christmas. They said they were very nice. They were very pleased. And for a week or so after Christmas, they were always on the table. If anyone wanted any milk or sugar, I'd say, "Can I do it for you? Do you want milk in your tea? Let me do it!" And I rushed to pick up the jug, pulled back the lever, and the milk poured out of the trap door. "Sugar?" And I picked up the sugar jug, tipped it up to pour out the magic one teaspoonful. "Another soos... another spoonful, anyone?" *shhh* And I poured out the second one. "Anyone else?" I became the milk and sugar king! I had to be the milk and sugar driver! All week I was pouring for everyone! Breakfast, dinner, tea! After a week or two, I noticed that the milk bottle was getting back onto the table. No jug. I noticed the sugar bowl and the boring old spoon were getting back onto the table. No sugar jug. Ya see, someone had to fill those two jugs, so I said, "I'll do it! I'll get the new jug! Eh? Yeah? I'll get the sugar thing if you want, okay? Yeah?" So I poured the milk and the sugar into the jugs and put them onto the table. The only trouble was, they'd got their milk and sugar by then. They didn't need me to drive their milk and sugar for them. My reign as the milk and sugar king was over. I was beaten by the bottle and the bowl. My bright green plastic topped went up on top of the kitchen cupboard with the jam jars without lids. We left them there when we moved from that house. They're probably still there.

(2008.02.23) Tea Time (0m36s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJ91MIAuAwI

Tea time. It's tea time, and we're sitting at the table, and my dad wants milk in his tea. "Oh, uhh, could you get me the milk?" I get the milk. I sit down again. Then he wants butter for his bread. "Oh, umm, could you get me the butter?" He says. I get the butter. And I sit down again. Then he wants a teaspoon for his tea. "Oh, uhh, could you get me a teaspoon?" he says. And then my mum says, "Once you get that bum of yours stuck in a chair you never get it off again, do you?" And my dad says, "I can't get a moment's peace around here."

(2008.02.23) Telly (0m44s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUqlmecsPoc

Telly. Put your thumb in the air, your finger over there. Look for your other thumb. You'll probably find it on the other hand. Put that thumb on the end of your finger. Put that finger on the end of your thumb. You got a telly now. What programs shall I put on the telly? I know! That program's called "What's This Ear?" Put your cheek on the telly. That program's called "Don't Be Cheeky." Put your nose on the telly. That'd make a good program. And that program's called "The Six-O'-Clock Nose."

(2008.02.23) The Bump (0m46s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loTOJmVJzsE

The bump. I'm in the middle of a wrestle with my brother and I find my face right up close to his ear, and I see The Bump. The bump is just next to his ear. It's all shiny. And when you press it, it goes in, like a push button. He says it doesn't hurt, it just sits there, the bump. Mum says that when he was born, it wasn't a bump, it was a shtickle. I said, "What's a shtickle?" And she said, "Like a little stick, sticking out of the side of his head." She said they tied it up with a bit of cotton and it died, until all that was left was the bump. The little shiny bump.

(2008.02.23) Tidy Your Room (0m47s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zh7RYeYBaMM

Tidy your room. They say, "Tidy your room." But I'm trying to kill a fly on the wall with a rolled-up comic. *Ptchoo* They say, "I'm asking you to tidy your room." But I'm trying to kill the fly by squashing it with a chunk of plasticine. *pfffoot* They say, "I'm not telling you to tidy your room." And I'm rolling up little bits of plasticine. "For the last time, tidy your room." But I'm making a line of the rolled up bits of plasticine along the edge of the chair. They say, "Can you hear me?" I say, "Yeah." I'm now flicking the bits of plasticine at the fly on the wall. They say, "What have we just asked you to do?" And I say, "I dunno!"

(2008.02.23) The Skyfoogle (1m13s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOCcCIL2Scs

The Skyfoogle. There was a man who turned up round our way once, put up a tent in the park, he did, put notices all around the streets saying that he was going to put on a show. A terrifying creature called The Skyfoogle. No one had ever seen this thing before. The show was on for two-o'-clock the next day. Next day we all turned up to see the fiercest animal in the world. The man took the money at the door, we all poured into the tent, with the curtain in front of it. We all sat down and waited. The man went off behind the curtain and suddenly we all heard a terrible noise. There was an awful yelling and crying. There was the noise of chains rattling and someone shouting. Suddenly the man came running onto the stage in front of the curtains. All his clothes were torn, there was blood on his face, and he screamed, "Quick! Get out! Get out of here! The Skyfoogle has escaped!" We all got up, and ran out the door and got away as fast as we could. By the time we had got ourselves together, the man had gone! We never saw him again! None of us ever saw our money ever again either! And none of us... has ever seen The Skyfoogle.

(2008.02.23) The Car Trip (1m33s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y45ROk22ajI

The car trip. Mum says, "Right, you two. This is a long car journey, I'm driving, and I can't drive properly if you two are going mad in the back. Do you understand?" So we go, "Okay, mum. Okay. Don't worry about it!" And off we go. And then we start the moaning. "Can I have a drink? I want some crisps. Can I open my window? He's got my book. GET OFF ME! That's my ear!" And Mum tries to be exciting. "Look out the window. There's a lamppost." And then we go on. "Can I have a sweet? He's sitting on me. Are we nearly there? Don't scratch! You never tell him off! Now he's biting his nails! I want a driiiink! I want a driiink!" And Mum tries to be exciting again. "Look out the window. There's a tree." And then we go on. "My hands are sticky. He's playing with the door handle now. Feel a bit sick, actually. Your nose is all runny! Don't pull my hair! He's punching me, mum! That's really dangerous, you know! Mum! He's spitting!" And Mum says, "Right! I'm stopping the car! I am STOPPING the car!" She stops the car. "Now, if you two don't stop it, I'm gonna put you out the car and leave you by the side of the road. "He started it!" "I didn't! He started it!" *facepalm* "I don't care who started it! I can't drive properly if you two go mad in the back! Do you understand?" And we go, "Okay, mum, okay. Don't worry about it." "Can I have a driiiiiink?"

(2008.02.23) The Hypnotiser (1m55s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2tKbQwl_QY

The hypnotizer. Once, a boy called Richard came to school and said, "I can hypnotize people." So we said, "Yeah, yeah, I bet you can't." So he said, "Okay, playtime." So playtime, we all went onto the playground. He said, "Right! Who wants a go?" So Trevor said, "Yeah, me." So this boy, Richard, made Trevor lie down on the ground on his back, and he told this gold ring out of his pocket and he put it very carefully between Trevor's eyes. On the bridge of his nose. Then Richard took this conker out of his pocket. It was on the end of a string. And he starts swinging the conker to and fro in front of Trevor's eyes. And he starts up, talking in a spooky voice: "Watch the conker. Watch the conker. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Watch the conker. Watch the conker. Go to sleep. Go to sleep." And it went on for ages. And we were all crowding around, dead quiet, watching Trevor, listening to Richard going, "Go to sleep. Go to sleep." "Is it working?" we said. "Is he going to sleep?" He's hyp-no-tized. Blimey. Sudddenly, the going-in bell went "Boiing! Boing!" At that, Trevor goes and stands up. He just stands up! Ha! Dusts himself down. So we all crowded round him going, "Were you asleep? You, you were asleep, weren't you, Trevor? Hey, were you hyp-no-tized? And he looks at us, all fed up, and he says, "Only thing that happened was I got a rotten headache." After that, we used to go round telling people, "You see that bloke over there? Him, Richard. He's brilliant. He can hypnotize people. He's a hypnotizer, you know." And Richard, he'd hear us saying all this, and he'd go, "Heh, heh, yeah, oh come off it, you lot, I'm not that... no, I'm not that good at it, eheheheh..."

(2008.02.23) No Breathing In Class (2m57s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1cfVQyrQ3Q

Strict. We had a teacher who was so strict, you weren't allowed to breathe in her lessons. She used to stand at the front going, "NO BREATHING!" And you had the whole morning to get through. *aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh* *pah* The weak ones just used to keel over and die. You'd hear them going down behind you. *ker-poom* *ker-poom* *ker-poom* And there was always a whiny kid going, "Miss! Can I go out and do some breathing?" And she'd say, "No! You've got all playtime to do it in!" "Oh, go on Miss, oh, go on!" Do you know at the beginning of the week there were forty-eight kids in my class. At the end of the week there were only five of them left. Yeah. Did you know at the end of the day you'd be stepping over kids just to get out the room. Oh no! There's Melanie. That's a shame, she was really nice. There's Dave. Heh heh. Hard luck, Dave. Always knew you were a bit weak. D'you know, people say to me, if that's true, how come you're here to tell the tale? Fair enough, and I'll tell you. It's because, when I was at school, we used to sit at desks. We didn't sit round tables like you do now. We used to sit at desks, with lids. And some of us figured out, what you had to do was snatch a quick breath under the desk lid when she wasn't looking. So once more, from the beginning. "NO BREATHING!" *aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh* *pah* The weak ones. *ker-poom* *ker-poom* *ker-poom* The whiny ones. "Miss! Can I go out and do some breathing?" "No! You've got all playtime to do it in!" "Oh, go on Miss, oh, go on!" Us lot. *PAH* *gasp gasp gasp* *boom* Ah! That was the mistake! Slamming the desk lid down! If you made a noise with the desk lid, it was OUT! School PRISON! There was a school prison underneath the school hall where they used to string you up from the wallbars. *sqflt* "Miss! I've been up here for three weeks... and there's rats! And they're nibbling my toenails!" So I figured it out. What you had to do was put your thumb round the edge of the desk lid so when it went down it didn't make any noise at all. Once more, from the beginning. "NO BREATHING!" *aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh* *pah* The weak ones. *ker-poom* *ker-poom* *ker-poom* The whiny ones. "Miss! Can I go out and do some breathing?" "No! You've got all playtime to do it in!" "Oh, go on Miss, oh, go on!" These other kids. *PAH* *gasp gasp* *boom* OUT! School PRISON! *sqflt* "Miss! I've been up here for three weeks and there's... rats! And they're nibbling... my toenails, Miss!" Me. Thumb round the edge of the desk. *PAH* *gasp gasp gasp* No noise at all. SURVIVAL.

(2008.02.23) The Project (2m43s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcDLoqqs7F0

The project. At school, we were doing a project. You know the kind of thing. "The Vikings." "Transport." "Wood." Our project was, "Holland!" There we were, reading: "My friend Hans from Holland." And we made windmills and stuck blue strips of paper onto white strips of paper. They were "canals." And we kept talking about tulips and cheese. In the end I thought they grew cheese and ate tulips. Then suddenly one day, our teacher, Miss Goodall, said there was an inspector coming in. She said, he wasn't going to inspect us, he was going to inspect her. And we were all to help her by being really good, and answering all the questions that he asked us. Huh. Later that day, he came in. He had a mustache.  We behaved. Miss Goodall behaved. There we all were, sitting in our rows, behind our desks, breathing very very quietly. And he looked at our windmills. Hmmmm! And then our canals! Hmmmm! And he said, "What do they eat in Holland?" And I didn't put my hand up in case I said tulips. But Sheila McClane said, "Cheese." And he said, "What do they grow in Holland?" And I didn't put my hand up for that one either. But Margot Vane said, "Tulips." And he asked some more questions and we were doing really well. Miss Goodall was trying very hard not to look proud. And then he asked, "Who is the Queen of Holland?" There was silence! No one knew who was the Queen of Holland! Miss Goodall frowned, and then started looking all round the class with her eyes looking all hoping! And then suddenly, I remembered this funny little rhyme that my friend Harrybo used to say! I put up my hand. "Yes?" said the inspector. "Queen Juliana is a fat banana," I said. Miss Goodall looked awful. Harrybo was sitting in front of me and I saw him *PFFT* snort and start giggling. "Sorry, uhhh, what did you say?" said the inspector. "Queen Juliana," I said. "Good!" he said. "You're right! Quite right!" Miss Goodall was delighted. I was delighted. The inspector was delighted. *wheeze* And Harrybo was still snorting away like mad. *bffpt bffpt bffpt bffpt bffpfffpt*

(2008.02.23) The Hollywood (3m11s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRFy-b3MX-Y

The Hollywood. We went to this cafe, and I had loads to eat. I had cod and chips. The cod was huge, and there were hundreds and hundreds of chips. Hundreds and hundreds of 'em! And I ate the lot! Then Mum said, "Anyone want any afters?" And we looked to see what there was. There was apple pie... don't like that. There was jam roly-poly... don't like that. And there was ice cream. I like that! There was chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla. I was just about to say, "I'll have a strawberry ice cream!" when I saw something else. It said, "The Hollywood!" And it was: vanilla ice cream, peaches, cream, chocolate sauce, cherries, trifle, jelly, AND strawberry ice cream. So I said... heh... I'll have a Hollywood. Dad said, "He won't eat it. They're huge." But Mum said, "No, no, if he wants it, he can have it." Dad said, "Waste of money. He won't eat it. Mum said, "A Hollywood, please!" And we waited. Then, suddenly, it appeared. On its own. Right in the middle of a tray. With a little paper umbrella stuck in the top. Everyone in the cafe looked round. "What's that?" "Heh, yeah, that's the Hollywood!" "Oh, yeah! Yeah! That's the Hollywood all right!" And the woman put it down in front of me. The Hollywood! With a little paper umbrella stuck in the top! It was huge! It was taller than me. And I had this really long spoon to eat it with, and now, heh... everyone was looking at me. I had to reach up to get to the cherry on the top. *pwt* Got it! *slurp* *click* Ah! In the mouth! It was lovely! Then onto the ice cream! *Slurp* Mhmm! And the chocolate sauce! Heh heh! Dig in! *SQUERCH* *slurp* *click* That was, eh... a bit rich, but... okay. Heh, dad loves ice cream and chocolate sauce. And he's watching me. But I don't give him any. Then there was some, um... *slurp* jelly stuff, and actually... um... that's wasn't very nice. Uh, actually, um, it was horrible. And dad said, "Slowing down, are you?" And Mum said, "Leave him alone." Now, I was... filling my cheeks, so as not to taste it so much. My hands went hot, and... people were looking at me. Then, I got to the trifle. Soggy cake. And that was even more horrible. I couldn't bear to put it in my mouth. I couldn't even put it in my cheeks. I hunched my shoulders and... *ptguh* spat some onto my plate. I stopped eating. Dad said, "Stopped, have you?" Mum said, "Leave him alone." I said, "I don't like it very much." Dad's hand darted across the table. "I'll finish it!", he said. Oh yeah, you bet he said that. "I'll finish it!" he says. And Mum turned to me and said, "Never mind, dear. I don't suppose you'll ask for one of those again, will you." I don't suppose I will.

(2008.02.25) Toenails (0m26s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Covn0IPmwAI

Toenails. More and more people in Britain today are using toenails. Smart and smooth, they grow on all five toes of each foot. We spoke to Jack Davis of Hackney. "Yeah, I like toenails. I've got ten of 'em. Big ones for the big toes and... uh, little ones for the little toes. They're great." Be like Jack! Be smart! Grow toenails!

(2008.02.25) Useless Information (0m30s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PA7igJ_jku0

Useless information. I read in a book that... giraffes have no voices. The Red Sea is blue. Gorillas can't swim. Black treacle is brown. Elephants can't jump. And nothing rhymes with orange... does it?

(2008.02.25) Tomato 2 (0m50s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDgGfviQzTw

Tomato Two, or "How I learned to love tomatoes." When I get in, if there's one thing I love, it's a fat, red tomato. I love the feel of my tongue and lips on the tight skin and I make my teeth *ha-chunk* cut into the flesh so the juice jumps into my mouth. The coolness and the wetness. So now I get some pepper and put a few grains on the flesh, so with my next bit a tasty feel starts under my tongue. I get a piece of bread, and all the wheaty mealy stuff mixes with the juicy tomato stuff and that's the way it goes down now. Bread and tomato, tomato and bread, in a lovely, wet, grainy, savory, flavory, round the mouth fruity bready mush. Ahhhhh.

(2008.02.25) Tomato 1 (1m41s)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhM71eRTMH4

Tomato One. Here's me, and my mum's just given me a tomato. And if there's one thing I can't stand it's tomatoes. You know that fleshy bit, the way it sticks to your teeth, and you know all those slimy little seeds, the way they slide round your mouth. Ooohh, I can't stand it. Anyway, my mum says, "Eat it." And I say, "I don't want to." She says, "Eat it." And I say, "I hate tomatoes. All slimy." And she says, "Don't you talk like that. When I was a girl I had to eat whatever my mum put in front of me. Do you think I could talk to my mother like that? Do you know there are some people in the world who would give their right arm to have a tomato. To have half a tomato because they haven't had anything to eat for a whole week. I'm telling you this, if you don't eat your tomato, there'll be no afters, and I've made something rather nice, I think you know what I mean." So here goes. In goes a bit of tomato. *pfft* Just like I thought. First the fleshy bit sticks, them the slimy bits, they slide about, and when it all goes down my throat it's stick and slide all the way down. Oh no, this is horrible! So I start to sulk. I make my eyes go dim. I push my lips out. To make myself look all rotten. "Don't you dare sulk," she says. "I'm not having you sitting them throwing one of your tantrums. I don't have to put up with you behaving like this. All I'm asking you to do is eat one tomato. It's taken months to grow. It's full of goodness. So stop that stupid sulking, will you?" But I just sit there, in my great big sulk. I never did eat that tomato. Mind you, I never got any afters, either.

CHAPTER 2

Michael’s Big Book of Bad Things - Part 1 (3:58)

I noticed that my mum and dad were different. This is how it was. I go to the bathroom, and I’m cleaning my teeth. *chikchikchikchikchik* Upstairs *chikchikchikchikchik* Downstairs *chikchikchikchik* Front door *chikchikchikchikchik* And I noticed that the tooth brush is a little bit wobbly. Huh… it’s a little bit wobbly. Hmm. I wonder if it would bend. *click* Ben-dy… Heh, yeah! Bendy, bendy, bendy, yeah! Bendy, bendy, bendy bendy bendy *snap!* Oh no, I’ve broken it! Oh no, I’m going to get into trouble now… I stick it back *unh, unh* Huh, no, that doesn’t work… Uh, I know, ah, I’ll make up a story. I’ll go into the kitchen, I’ll go up to mum, and I’ll go, um, uh… “Hi Mum! I was, uh, just in the bathroom, and I was…cleaning my teeth really hard, and, um…the toothbrush broke.” Yes! That’s it. So I go into the kitchen, and there’s Mum, and I say “Um, Hi Mum, I was just, um, in the bathroom, and I was, um, cleaning my teeth really hard, and, um…the toothbrush broke. …Heh…” And Mum looked at the toothbrush, and she said “Oh, don’t worry. It’s only a toothbrush; it’s no big deal. We’ll get another one, tomorrow.” You see how she was? You see how nice she was? But a few minutes later, my dad comes in. He breezes in and he says, “Hi everybody! Anything happen today?” And we go, “No…no, nothing much.” He says, “Oh, come on, something must’ve happened,” and we go “No, no, the sky’s still blue.” He says, “Come on, just tell me something, what happened?” And my mum, she says, “Oh yes! Heh, something funny DID happen. Michael just told me that he went to the bathroom, and he was cleaning his teeth so hard, the toothbrush broke!” And my dad goes “…Cleaning your teeth so hard the toothbrush broke? Cleaning your teeth so hard the toothbrush broke?? I’ve never heard of anybody cleaning their teeth so hard the toothbrush broke. Michael, would you just come over here and tell me about it?” And I go, “Oh, yeah, right, yeah…um, yeah, it’s like Mum says, I was, um, cleaning my teeth, and I noticed it was just, um, you know, kinda a little bit wobbly –“ “Wobbly?” he says. “Wobbly? How do you mean wobbly?” I said, “Yeah, like I’m saying, and, uh, I just wondered if maybe, um, you know, might be just kind of a little bit bendy—“ and he says “What’s that you’re doing with your hands?” And I go “Yeah, like I’m saying, little bit kind of bendy”, and he says, “I’m beginning to get the picture. Oh yes. Bendy, bendy, bendy, *snap!*” You see that? He’s got it out of me. He’s taken me in for questioning, and he’s found out exactly what happened. And then…he remembered it. He remembered and remembered and remembered… so then next time I did a bad thing, he could remind me of the last bad thing I did. So, I’m in the bedroom, and I’m sitting on my brother’s head for half an hour. And my dad bursts in, and he goes “…What are you doing??” And I say, “Um, uh, sitting on my brother’s head for half an hour.” And he says “I can see that!” And I say, “Well, if you can see it, then why are you asking me?” And then he says, “Oh yes! Like the last time you went to the bathroom. Bendy, bendy, bendy, *snap!*” It was as if…he’d written it down in a book. Michael’s Big Book of Bad Things! Michael’s Big Book of Bad Things!

Michael’s Big Book of Bad Things – Part 2 (1:47)

My dad had a favorite page in Michael’s Big Book of Bad Things, page one. ‘Cause on page one it said, “Oh yes! Like the time you threw your mother’s best ring out of the window. It was her grandmother’s!” Now I know that sounds bad, but I was only two. You don’t know you’re doing a bad thing when you’re two. I must’ve seen the ring on the floor, toddled over, picked it up, and gone “WHEEEEEEEE!” and it went flying out the window. Only I forgot to tell you. We lived in a flat, over a shop. So when it went flying out the window, it landed in the street, where it was never…found…again! And something else, my mum and dad could speak another language. It’s a language that some Jewish people speak, it’s called Yiddish. And my dad didn’t say the English word “grandmother”, he said the Yiddish word. And that made it sound all kind of…ancient, and traditional. So my dad says, “Oh yes! Like the time you threw your mother’s best ring out of the window. It was her…Bubbe’s!” Bubbe’s! It felt like the room filled up with Bubbes, hundreds of them! And they were all crowding ‘round me, going “You threw your mother’s best ring? Out of the window? And it was her…Bubbe’s??” *slaps cheek* So what happens the next time I get into trouble?

Michael’s Big Book of Bad Things – Part 3 (5:01)

It’s bedtime. Now, I had a problem with bedtime. I couldn’t hear the word “bed”. So when my mum said “Michael, it’s time for bed!”, all I could hear was “Michael! It’s time for –” Or if she said, “Michael, it’s bedtime!”, all I could hear was “Michael! It’s – time!” So there we are, sitting on the sofa, and we’re watching telly. *goofy smile* Why do people look like that when they watch telly? I don’t know. But there we are, we’re sitting there. And my mum says, “Michael, it’s time for bed.” And I go, *goofy smile* “Michael, it’s bedtime!” *goofy smile* “Michael, I’m talking to you, it’s time for bed!” And I go “Alright! No need to shout, blimey!” And I get up, and I go round behind the sofa. And then when I’m behind the sofa, I think if I’m really quiet, she won’t know I’m here. So I stop breathing. *epic inhale* She says “Michael, I know you’re there.” And I go, “I’m not.” And she says, “What are you talking about?? You’re standing in the middle of the room saying you’re not there, you must be there to be saying you’re not there, you telling me (?) stupid? Now go to bed!” And I think, I could now go out of the room, and then I could pretend to be going upstairs, by making that stamp-stamp-stamp thing on the floor! So I go out of the room, and I go…*footsteps* And I think this is really brilliant, she thinks I’m going upstairs! But what I don’t realize…is she’s coming up behind me, and she’s standing over me, going, “What are you doing now??” And I go “Oh, yeah, right, Mum, I’m just going upst—…well, I’m not, actually…” And she says, “Go upstairs, wash your face, clean your teeth, I can’t stand looking at you another minute!” So it’s upstairs, into the bathroom, shut the door, and…yeahhhhh…it was time to muck about. Plug in. *pwt* Taps on. *pshhhhhhh* Flick water at the mirror. *pwt* Yes! *pwt* Yes! *pwt* *pwt* Yes!! *pwt* *pwt* *pwt* *pwt* And there’s drops of water on the mirror, and the drops start turning into drips, and one drip’s going faster than another drip, and I think it’s a little like the horse racing on the telly, so I start doing a running commentary, “and here comes Longbottom with the long bottom and here comes Shortybum and Shortybum’s closing on Longbottom, AND HERE COMES LONGBOTTOM AND LONGBOTTOM’S GONNA TAKE IT” and I hear my mom from downstairs going, “Michael! What’s the silly noise going on up there?” And I said, “Oh, yeah, uh, sorry, Mum, I was just looking for the flannel and here comes Longbottom with the long bottom and here comes Shortybum!” Now then. When a man shaved, when I was a kid, this is how they did it. Plug in. *pwt* Taps on. *pshhhhhhh* A little brush, in the water. *kplblklbpklpbkl* Into a special jar of shaving soap. *pftpftpftpft* Now, I loved this shaving soap. If you held it up to the light, it was all twinkly. And if you smelt it, *sniff* it was all perfume-y. And then if you prodded it, *pppt* heh, yeah, it was all squidgy, yeah. *pppt* Hey! I’m drilling for oil, yeah, *jjjjj* …Hey…you can’t see the hole from the outside. Maybe I could bury something in there! What could I bury in there? I know! The top of the toothpaste. Good thinking. *chkchkchk* *pff-ch-pff-ch-pff* Smooth it over. *chhh* …That’s amazing. That’s like…buried treasure. Maybe…pirates would come looking for it and sing their pirate song. “Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, yo ho ho and a bottle of –” And I hear my mum from downstairs going “Michael! What’s the silly singing going on now?” And I went “Oh, yeah, I was just, um, glad I found the flannel!” Right, quick, wash the face, *chikchikchikchik*, clean the teeth, *chikchikchikchik* ……Oh…it’s a little bit wobbly. A little voice said “Don’t do it, Michael,” and then I said, “I wonder if it would bend, yeah.” Bendy, and the little voice said “Don’t do it, Michael!” and I said “No, but I want to!” Bendy, bendy, “Don’t do it, Michael!” “No, but I want to!” BENDY, BENDY, “MICHAEL DON’T DO IT!!”, BENDY, no, I bet not, actually. *chikchikchikchikchik* And then, off to bed!

Michael’s Big Book of Bad Things – Part 4 (2:59)

In the morning, my dad goes to the bathroom to have a shave. . Plug in. *pwt* Taps on. *pshhhhhhh* The little brush, in the water. *kplblklbpklpbkl* Into the jar. *pftpftpftpft* ……He’s thinking…How did that get there? How did the top of the toothpaste get into my shaving soap? So, he comes downstairs, and he goes up to my brother. And he goes, “Brian? … How did the top of the toothpaste get into my shaving soap?” And my brother goes, “Uhh. Yehuhehuhuh. Youneverthinkuhehehuhuh.” So my dad comes up to me, and he goes, “Michael? How did the top of the toothpaste get in my shaving soap?” And I go… “I dunno!” You see the difference? When my brother said “I don’t know,” his eyebrows were down there, like that. “Uhh.” But when I said “I don’t know,” my eyebrows went up in the air. The moment my eyebrows went up in the air, my dad knew that I was lying. He says, “Look at your eyebrows!” …what? How can you look at your eyebrows? The things Dad says, look at your eyebrows. He says, “Your eyebrows have gone up in the air; that means you’re lying!” And I said “I’m not!” And he said “And another thing! Your voice has gone squeaky! What a giveaway!” And I said “No it hasn’t!!” He said, “What did you think you were doing, sticking the top of the toothpaste in my shaving soap??” And I said… “……It’s buried treasure.” And he goes… *facepalm* “Are…you…crazy?” Except he didn’t say “crazy” in English, he said “are you a crazy person” in Yiddish, and to say that, you say… “Are…you…meshugginah?” And it reminded him of something! Michael’s Big Book of Bad Things! And in his mind, he’s turning back the pages, till he gets to page one, and he says… “Oh yes! Like the time you threw your mother’s best ring out of the window. It was her…Bubbe’s!” And the room filled up with Bubbes! There were Bubbes flying round the room, and they were all pointing at me, going “First you threw your mother’s best ring out of the window! And then you stuck the top of the toothpaste in your father’s shaving soap!” Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay…

My Brother Is On The Floor Roaring (1:42)

My brother is on the floor roaring. Why is my brother on the floor roaring? My brother is on the floor roaring because he’s supposed to finish his beans before he has his pudding. But he doesn’t want to finish his beans before he has his pudding. He says, he wants his pudding NOW! But they won’t let him. So now my brother is on the floor roaring. They’re saying, “I give you one more chance to finish those beans, or you don’t go to Tony’s.” But he’s not listening, because he’s on the floor roaring. He’s getting told off. I’m not. I’ve eaten my beans. And you know what I’m doing now? I’m eating my pudding. But he’s on the floor roaring. If he wasn’t on the floor roaring, he’d see me eating my pudding. And if he looked really close, he might see…a little tiny smile, just at the corner of my mouth. But he’s not looking. He’s on the floor roaring. The pudding is OK. It’s not wonderful. Not wonderful enough to be sitting on the floor and roaring about. Unless you’re my brother.

Bubbe and Zeyde [My mum’s mother and father.] (3:32)

We sometimes see them on Sunday. They live in a dark room at the end of a dark corridor, and Bubbe kisses us all when we arrive. She looks like my mum, but very silver and bent at the middle, which we’ll all look like one day, says Mum’s father. Dad always looks fed up because he doesn’t want to come, but Mum talks to them properly. Zeyde looks tired, and pretends that the half crown he’s going to give me disappears into the ceiling, along with my nose if I’m not careful. “Snap!” And there’s his thumb, in his fist, and he beats me, at drafts, dominoes, snap, hair-and-hounds (?) and even dice. And he’s got a bottle with a boat in it. And we go for walks on Hackney Downs, which he calls “Hackney Dans”. And all the old men there say, “Hello, Frank.” And while we’re walking along, he says “What’s to become of us, Mickey? What’s to become of us?” And I don’t know what to answer. And he shows me to Uncle Himey (?), who looked out of the window and said “Is that big boy your grandson, Frank?” Even though he knows my name, because that’s the way they talk. And when we get back, we eat chopped herring, or chopped liver, which is my favorite. And Bubbe tells stories that go on for hours, about people she knows who were ill, or people who’ve had to pay too much money, and at the end of the story, it always seems as if she’s being cheated. And once she took a whole afternoon to tell Mum how to make pickled cucumbers. And she kept saying, “Just add a little salt to taste, a little salt to taste. Just taste it and see if there’s enough salt. To make sure if there’s enough salt, just taste and see.” And she calls me, “Tuttalah”. And rubs my hair and bites her lips as if I’m going to run away. And so she shakes her head and says, “Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay”, but Zeyde goes to sleep in the old brown armchair, with his hands on the pockets of his flappy blue trousers. And when we go, Mum frowns. Zeyde holds my hand in his puffy old hand, and keeps ducking his head in little jerks, and says to us all, “Come again soon.” But I’d be afraid to go all the way on my own. It’s very dark, and the lavatory is right outside, which is sometimes cold. She doesn’t like it when we go, and she kisses us all over again. And Dad walks up and down like he does at the station. And Mum keeps pushing me and poking me. And they both wave all the time we go into the distance, and I always wave back, because I think they like it. But Mum and Dad sit absolutely quiet, and nobody speaks for ages. Mum says, “Zeyde shouldn’t give me the money.”

Chocolate Cake (7:34)

When I was a boy, I had a favorite treat. It was when my mum made chocolate cake. Oh, I loved chocolate cake! My mum, she says to me, “Listen, Michael, if there’s any chocolate cake left over at the end of the day, you can take some to school tomorrow to have at playtime or at lunchtime.” So I used to go to school with a piece of chocolate cake in my little box and I’d be walking to school, yeah, it’s in YEAYEAYEAAAAAH! And I’d get to school, and it would be playtime or lunchtime and I’d open up the box, take it out, oohwatsitsitschocolatecakeitis!! Open up the paper, ffff, look at it, ulllyrrlllah uslryrlryah, gonna get it, da ta da da da da da, y’ ah…uh…YEAHHILOVEITGOODY, ahh, hmm, waaaaLOOKATITAHHumm …… *click* MmMMMMM! I loved my mum’s chocolate cake! Yes…And one time, there WAS some chocolate cake left over at the end of the day. And I went to bed, and I was fast asleep. And then, in the middle of the night, I woke up and thought *snap* …chocolate cake! Heheh… Maybe, I could go downstairs and have a little look at it. No one would know…So I got up out of the bed, shhhh! I mustn’t wake my brother up! Along the passage…Careful not to tread on the creaky floorboard outside Mum and Dad’s bedroom, because if they wake up and find me, I’ll be in big trouble, so really quiet! ERRRK! …Are they still asleep? Yes! OK… Along the passage, down the stairs, into the kitchen, open the cupboard and YEAAAAH THERE IT IS! And I take it out. Just have a little look at it. Huhuh… huhllrrgheheffSS… rlrlhtsw…and then I notice some little crumbs on the plate. So I think if I lick the end of my finger, then I could pick up some of those crumbs. And no one would know anything about it. *chkchkchkchk* Hehyeahlookatthatitsstickyymmmmm… *click* MmMMMMM! And then, I notice on the side of the cake there’s some little crumbly bits just falling off, so I think, if I take a knife, I could just…tidy it up a little bit. No one would notice. *quuuuuiiii* *slurrrp* scrunched all together in the crumbly bits and the sticky bits and it’s all going in there, yeah, belly belly belly ah-um….*click* MmMMMMM! And then I notice, that as I’ve tidied it up a little bit over HERE, then maybe I could just… even it up a bit over here. So I take the knife again, and this time, through the crispy icing on the top, through the squashy icing in the middle, *quuuiiiii* And I got a whole slice this time. And it’s all gonna go in there, belly belly belly HA HA HA AH-um……*click* MmMMMMM! And now, I’ve got the taste of it in my mouth, and I can’t stop myself, so I go, *YPSHT*YPSHT*YPSHT*YPSHT* And I got all these slices and GATATATAALGUmPHMUHMPM And I can’t stop myself YAULPSHAURLPSHA WHJJJA GLRPMHAARLRPH WHAITSGREAT AGLRGLARPMFSH … Oh no! It’s all gone! Oh no, they’re bound to notice now! A whole chocolate cake doesn’t just disappear! What am I gonna do? I know…I’ll wash up the plate and the knife, and they won’t know anything about it. Good thinking. Take the plate, and the knife, and wash it up, *pshhh* Really quiet, shh! Wash up the plate, pshhhh, and the knife, pshhhh, and don’t forget to dry up, get the cloth, *whwhwhwh*, and don’t forget the knife, *whwhwhwh*, and don’t forget to put them away, plate in the cupboard *whwh pm, chk*, and the knife in the drawer, *zzzZZ pm, chnk!* and back up to bed. Shhh! Up the stairs…*tptptptp*, along the passage, now I know where the creaky floorboard is now, so all I’ve got to do is tread over it, ‘cause if I tread on it, and it makes a noise, I am…dead! Careful now…ERRRK! Are they still asleep? Yes! It’s OK. Into the bedroom, into bed, under the covers. Ahhhhh… Nice warm feeling, chocolate cake in my belly, goody goody goody…and I go to sleep. In the morning I get up, and I go downstairs, and I’m having my breakfast. And Mum’s busy over there, and she’s busy over there…and she says, “Oh, Michael. Don’t forget your book folder.” She hands me my book folder. And I’m busy having my breakfast, she’s busy over there, and she’s busy over there, and she says, “Oh, Michael, there’s something else, there’s something nice! There’s some chocolate cake left over from yesterday for you to take to school today. And I went………Right, yeah……And she says, “……What’s the matter? You usually jump at having chocolate cake.” And I’m “Yeah, it’s alright…it’s OK…” And she’s looking at me very closely. Just here. And she says, “…What’s that?” And I say “What’s what?” She said, “It’s not……chocolate cake, is it?” And I said… “Eh.” And she went over to the cupboard. “……….It’s gone! The chocolate cake’s gone! …You haven’t eaten…the whole of the rest of the chocolate cake, have you? And I said… “I don’t know.” “You don’t know,” she said, “you don’t know?? I don’t believe a word of it! Now off you go to school. No, before you go to school, go upstairs to the bathroom, and wash your dirty, sticky face!” I went upstairs to the bathroom, and I looked in the mirror, and I saw it. Just there. Chocolate smudge. Chocolate blob. And I looked at it and I thought… Maybe next time we have chocolate cake… she’ll forget about it. Do you think she will?

Cold Pickles, Warm Chutney, and Hot Jam (1:21)

One year, Mum made pickled new green cucumbers, and the house smelled of vinegar and peppercorns all the way from the front door to my bedroom. Whoever came to the house went away with a jar of pickled new green cucumbers. Even the man who read the gas meter. The next year, Mum made green tomato chutney, and the house smelled of vinegar and hot tomatoes all the way from the front door to my bedroom. Whoever came to the house went away with a jar of green tomato chutney. Even the man who painted the windows. Last year, Mum made gooseberry jam, and the house smelled of melting sugar and fruit juice all the way from the front door to my bedroom. Not many of the people who came to the house got a chance to get hold of a jar of that gooseberry jam. *licks lips* *click*

Don’t Tell Your Mother (1:23)

When my mum goes to evening classes, my dad says “Don’t tell your mother, let’s have matzo brei. She always says, ‘Don’t give the boys that greasy stuff; it’s bad for them.’ So don’t tell her, alright?” So, he breaks up the matzos, puts them into water, to soften them up. Then he fries them till they’re glazed and crisp. It tastes best like this fried in Heinershmaltz, skimmed off the top of the chicken soup, he says. But, olive oil will do. Then, he beats up 3 eggs, and pours them onto the frying matzos, till it’s all cooked. It tastes brilliant, we love it. Then, we wash everything up, absolutely everything, and we go to bed. Next day, Mum says to us, “What did your father cook you last night?” Silence! “What did your father cook you last night?” “Oh, uh, yeah, uh, you know… stuff. Egg on toast, I think.”

Don’t (1:11)

Don’t do, don’t do, don’t do that. Don’t pull faces, don’t tease the cat. Don’t pick your ears, ugh! Don’t be rude at school. Who do they think I am? Some kind of fool? One day, they’ll say, don’t put toffee in my coffee! Don’t pour gravy on the baby! Don’t put beer in his ear! And don’t stick your toes up your nose! Don’t put confetti on your spaghetti, and don’t squash peas on your knees. Don’t put ants in your pants, don’t put mustard in your custard, don’t chuck jelly at the telly, and don’t throw fruit at the computer. Don’t throw fruit at the computer. Don’t what? Don’t throw fruit at the computer. Don’t what? Don’t throw fruit at the computer. Who do they think I am? Some kind of fool?

Fryingpan (1:31)

Mum said she’s not going on another camping holiday until we get a proper fryingpan. She says, “I’m not going camping ever again with a fryingpan without a handle! Whoever heard of cooking with a fryingpan without a handle? If you did more of the cooking, you wouldn’t want to cook with a fryingpan without a handle. Everyone else who goes camping goes with a proper fryingpan. But when we go camping, we go with a fryingpan without a handle. Hmm? It’s typical of your father. He gets a new car, he gets a new tent, he gets a new raincoat. But I’m cooking with a fryingpan without a handle. I’ve sat there for hours and hours trying to fry onions, trying to fry liver, trying to fry bacon and eggs, and I’m trying to do it all with a fryingpan without a handle. There are good fryingpans these days. Nice ones. I’ve seen them. People go camping with them. Not rich people, people like us. They sit there every night with their nice fryingpans, having a nice time. But what have we got? Hm? A fryingpan without a handle!”

Hand On The Bridge (:37)

Hand on the bridge, feel the rhythm of the train, hand on the window, feel the rhythm of the rain. Hand on your throat, feel the rhythm of your talk, hand on your leg, feel the rhythm of your walk. Hand in the sea, feel the rhythm of the tide, hand on your heart, feel the rhythm inside. Hand on the rhythm, feel the rhythm of the rhyme, hand on your life, feel the rhythm of time. Hand on your life, feel the rhythm of time. Hand on your life, feel the rhythm of time.

Hot Food (1:04)

We sit out to eat, and the potato’s a bit hot. So I only put a little bit on my fork, and I blow, *puff* 'Til it's cool. Just cool. Into the mouth. *hawlp* *click* Nice. And there's my brother, he's doing the same. *puff puff* 'Til it's cool. Just cool. Into the mouth. *HAWLP* *click* Nice! And there's my mum, she's doing the same. *puff puff* 'Til it's cool. Just cool. Into the mouth. *HAWLP* *click* Nice! But my dad. My dad, what does he do? He stuffs a great big chunk of potato into his mouth, and then that really does it. His eyes pop out. He bobs his head up and down. He blows, he puffs, he yells, he even spits bits of potato all onto his plate! *PFF* And he turns to us and he goes, "Watch out, everybody! The potato's really hot!"

I’m Tired (1:35)

Dad says, “Phew! I’m tired.” And Mum says, “You’re tired? I’M tired.” Dad says, “I’ve never, ever been as tired as this.” And Mum says, “You don’t know what tired is. I’ll tell you what tired is…it’s me! That’s what tired is!” Dad says, “I’m tired all over. It’s my legs. It’s my head.” But Mum says, “My tired isn’t just inside, everywhere’s tired!” Dad says, “I haven’t even begun to tell you how tired I am.” But Mum says, “I know how tired you are; you’ve told me. You know something? You telling me that you’re tired makes me tired!” And Dad says, “And that’s it. No one understands how tired I am! No one listens! In the end, I get tired saying I’m tired!” But Mum says, “What you don’t know is that before I was this tired, I didn’t know a person could be this tired. If I had known then, how tired I was going to be, I wouldn’t have let myself get this tired!” And I say, “…Anyone round here tired?”

When We Had Ice Cream (1:50)

When we had ice cream, we’d sit around saying, “Mmm, this is nice, this is really nice.” But then my dad would say, “You know what this could do with? Just a little bit of fruit salad with it.” So next time we had ice cream, we’d have ice cream with a little bit of fruit salad with it. And we’d sit around saying, “Mmm, this is nice, this is really nice.” But then my dad would say, “You know what this could do with? Just a few chopped nuts on the top.” So next time we had ice cream, we’d have ice cream with a little bit of fruit salad, and a few chopped nuts on the top. And we’d sit around saying, “Mmm, this is nice, this is really nice.” But then my dad would say, “You know what this could do with? A few of those tiny bits of chocolate scattered over the top.” And my mother wouldn’t let him say any more. “You’re always the same, you are. Nothing’s ever good enough for you, is it? I’ll tell you something, if you don’t like this café, find another one! You know why you’re like this? I’ll tell you. It was that Bubbe of yours. It was her fault. She pampered you. All I ever hear is ‘No one ever makes it like my Bubbe did!’ Well, you can get this into your head, I’m…Not…Your…Bubbe!” And my dad turned to us,  saying… “What did I say? What did I say wrong? All I said was that a few little bits of chocolate scattered over the top would be nice! They would be nice, wouldn’t they? Hmm?”

Last Word (:45)

Dad says, “Stop doing that.” So the boy stuck his tongue out. Dad says, “Don’t stick your tongue out at me!” So the boy says, “I’m not. I’m just licking my lips.” Later…Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Dad says, “Stop jumping up and down up there! I can’t stand the noise!” And the girl says, “I’m not jumping. I’m hopping.” And Dad says, “Some people always get the last word.”

Mum Reads To Me Every Night (:37)
Mum reads to me every night. She’s reading, “The Tailor of Gloucester.” She sits on the edge of the bed, and reads in a sing-song voice that drifts on forever. I tell her, her voice is sleepy. She gets all huffy and says, “Uh! I shan’t bother, then. What a thing to say, really. I don’t think I’ll bother.” Sleepy was the way I liked it. I wasn’t complaining.

Mum’s Dead Coat (:52)

A sad thing happened this week. It was my mum’s coat. On the label, it says “The Coat that Breathes”. When everyone was out, I went up to it, where it was hanging up. And I put my ear, right up close to it. But it had stopped breathing. I don’t think Mum has noticed yet, and I don’t know how to break the news to her. If I go up to her and say, “Mum! Your coat’s dead!” I think she’d be upset.

Platform (3:04)

I’m standing on Platform One of Pinna Station at half past four. Mum comes at ten to five. When I wait for her, I watch the signals for the express trains change. I watch the lights change. I watch the trains going dark as they come under the bridge. I’m waiting for my mum. I go and stand by the glass case on the wall, where the Christian Science people put a Bible for you to read. It’s open, and there are bits of the page marked that you’re supposed to read. I don’t understand it. I watch the woman in the Sweety kiosk serving people Mars bars, bars of plain chocolate, packet of chewing gum, Mars bar, Kit Kat, barley sugars. “Are you waiting for your mum again?” “Yes.” I go and stand on the shiny floor of the waiting room, and look at the big dark benches. There’s a boiler in there. They never light it, even in winter. There are big advertisements that I read. One says, “Children’s Shoes Have Far To Go!” A boy and a girl are walking away down a long, long road to nowhere, with thick woods on both sides of them. I’m not waiting for a train; I’m waiting for my mum. At a quarter to, the Flying Scotsman Express Train comes through. I stand back against the wall. It’s the loudest thing I know. The station goes dark, I stop breathing. The coaches move so fast you can’t see people in them. At ten to five, Mum’s there! The doors open. She’ll be in the second carriage; she always is. Daylight shines from behind her, so I can’t see her face. But I know it’s her. Mum. I know it’s her, by her shape, and her bag, and her walk. “Have you been waiting long?” “No.” “You could’ve gone home, you know. You’ve got a key.” “I like waiting for you. It’s better than being at home on my own.” “I suppose it is.” I point to the children in the big advertisement. “Children’s Shoes Have Far To Go!” “Where are they going, Mum?” “I don’t know.” I hold Mum’s hand all the way home.

Pneumonia (1:09)

My brother has pneumonia, and the house is quiet. I’m allowed in his room for a short time only. My brother has pneumonia, and the house is quiet. When I go in, he shows me a little row of glass bottles with rubber lids that go *pop!* *pop!* *pop!* *pop!* *pop!* He shows me a tiny cardboard locomotive he’s made. And we go, “digga-doo, digga-doo”. And I sit on his bed, and, Wooph! And I spill his orange juice on his blanket! Mum comes in, and says, “Oh, get out, get out! Look what you’ve done!” My brother has pneumonia, and the house is quiet.

Shirt (1:02)

Whenever my mum gets me some horrible shirt that I don’t want to wear, she says, “It’s good! Have it! It’s nice! They’re wearing them like that now.” So, I wear it to school. And whenever I come home from school, she says, “So? Did they like the shirt?” Sometimes I go off a favorite food, and my mum says, “What’s the matter with it? You used to love apricot jam! Why don’t you want the apricot jam? I got it in especially for you! You said you liked it, so I bought it! You’ve always liked apricot jam! I can remember a time when the only thing that you would have on your bread was apricot jam. And you’re telling me you don’t like it? It’s good! Have it! It’s nice!” So I have the apricot jam. And when I’ve eaten it, she says… “So? Did you like the apricot jam?”

Shut Your Mouth When You Are Eating (:58)

“Shut your mouth when you’re eating!” “I am, Dad!” “Mouth!” “It is shut!” “I can see it isn’t! I can hear it isn’t!” “What about his mouth? You can see everything in his mouth!” “He’s only two; he doesn’t know any better.” “You can see all his peas and tomato sauce!” “That’s none of your business.” Two minutes go by. “Dad?” “Yes?” “Your mouth’s open. Shut your mouth when you’re eating, Dad.” “It is shut, thank you very much.” “I can see it isn’t, Dad! I can see all the food in there!” “Look, that’s my business, OK?” “Peas…gravy, spuds, everything!” “Look, you don’t want to grow up to be as horrible as your father, do you? Answer that, smarty-pants.”

Solomon The Cat (2:33)

I was seven. There was a competition in the paper. It was, write a story, and the best story would be printed. I thought I’d go for it. So I’m sitting there with my paper, and I’m thinking of this book I read at school about Solomon the Cat, who gets thrown out and goes from house to house asking for somewhere to be put up. So, I think…I could write a story like that. I called it “Solomon The Cat”. And I wrote how Solomon gets thrown out and goes from house to house asking for somewhere to be put up. I sent it in, and I won the competition. And it was printed in the paper. “Solomon The Cat, by Michael Rosen, age seven-and-three quarters.” My mum and dad were very pleased with me. It got printed in the paper’s Christmas annual, too. “Solomon The Cat, by Michael Rosen, age seven-and-three quarters.” Sometime later, we got a letter from the paper saying they had heard from someone who’d said they’d bought a children’s picture book about a cat called Solomon, who gets thrown out and goes from house to house asking for somewhere to be put up. “See this, Con?” my dad says to my mum. “See this? Someone’s stolen Mick’s story, and made a book out of it. Would you believe it, the things people do. If I had the time, I’d try and get a hold of that book and sue the pants off them!” “No, no, no, no,” I said, “Uh, I shouldn’t bother. It was ages ago.” Not long ago, I got a letter from a girl in America. She said she had won a state poetry competition judged by the poet John Ciardi. She had won with a poem that went “Down behind the dustbin, I met a dog called Jim. He didn’t know me, and I didn’t know him.” “You wrote that poem, Mr. Rosen”, she said, “and now they want to print it in the paper. What shall I do?” I sent her a letter back and said, “Don’t worry. I know someone who once wrote a story called Solomon the Cat who gets thrown out and goes from house to house…” You can probably guess the rest.

Something Changes (1:20)

When you’re born, your folks think you’re amazing. They scream, “It’s a BABY! Quick, quick, quick! Come and have a look, it’s a BABY!” Then, a few weeks later, maybe you lift your head up a tiny, tiny little bit. “Eh.” And they scream, “Look! The head! Quick, quick, quick! Come and have a look; it’s amazing!” Now I don’t want to say anything to disappoint you, but something changes. Wind forward a few years. You get back from school. You open the door. You chuck your bag on the floor. “Eh.” You walk into the living room, slump down on the sofa. “Huh.” And you switch on the TV. “Uh.” Your folks don’t say, “Look! He switched on the TV! First he dumped his bag, and now he switched on the TV! Quick, quick, quick! Come and have a look!” For some reason, they’re just not as excited about every little thing you do.

The Corner of The Sheet (1:40)

Sorry, Mum. I can’t stop myself. But it all starts when I nibble the corner of the sheet. It seems to go on when I’m reading in bed, and I don’t even know I’m doing it. I chew the corner more and more, and more and more sheet goes into my mouth. I’m sorry, Mum, but it gets juicy. And soon, there’s a whole mouthful of sheet that I’m chewing on, making sklooshy noises. I’m sorry, Mum, I can’t stop myself. I clench my teeth round the sheet. I close my lips…and suck. Open my lips, open my mouth, and the mouthful of sheet cools. So when I next clamp my mouth round the corner, it tastes cool. And this goes on and on and on…till I fall asleep. In the morning, it’s cold, and I try not to touch it. By the evening, it’s gone crisp and dry. Some of the sheets now have tiny holes near the corner. I think this has something to do with the chewing, but I’d rather not think about that. Sorry, Mum.

The Deal (1:50)

My brother once told me that Mum and Dad have got a deal about telling off. He said that if one of them is telling one of us off, then the other parent won’t join in. He said that they had said it isn’t fair on a kid if both parents have a go at the same time. Well, it works like that, most of the time. My dad gets angry about something, like the time I stuck toothpaste in his shaving soap. “What did you think? I wouldn’t notice? The little fool. He spends hours and hours in that bathroom, and we think he’s washing himself. But this is the sort of monkey business he’s getting up to! This is MY shaving soap, not yours. If you want to play about with shaving soap, buy your own.” And Mum doesn’t say a word. Not a word. Heh, but somehow, when it’s Mum’s turn, it doesn’t quite work out the same way. She’s telling me off for not cleaning my shoes. “How can you go out like that? You look like a tramp. I don’t want to be seen in the street with you. All I’m asking is that you give them a wipe. A little wipe! That wouldn’t harm you, would it?” And out of the corner of my eye, I can see my dad twitching about, itching to join in. He’s nodding, and tutting, and coming in with “Quite!” and “Oh, you’re right there, Connie!” Then, when Mum goes out of the room, he bursts out with “You’ve pushed your mother to the edge this time!” Never mind her, he’s WELL over the edge.

The Rains (2:29)

In the Jura Mountains, it rained and rained and rained. Every day, every night. We lay in our tents, and listened to the rain. Rain raining. Rain raining. Rain raining. The earth was a sponge; the paths were rivers; our sleeping bags were damp. Underneath the tent, it started to smell of old cabbage. Our feet wrinkled. My father got up in the night and shone a torch into the rain, and dug a ditch round the tent, so that the water would flow away. But the ditch filled up, and one night, it flowed into the tent. We lay in the dark, while the rain rained on and on. Rivulets of rain trickled through the tent. The lightning filled up our faces. The thunder rolled round the mountains. I thought there could be waves of rain, and we would float away. When I woke up, the rain had stopped. There was no pattering on the tent roof. There were birds. It was light. Warm in the sleeping bag, cold on our faces. I pulled my hand out of the bag. I touched the tent. The wall was wet and tight. I wondered what was outside, on the other side of the wall. I didn’t mean to press to hard…or perhaps I did… The wall of the tent was so wet and so tight, that… *pwt!* I poked a hole straight through it. I didn’t know, but Dad was standing right there, and he saw my finger *pwt!* burst through! He heard it rip, the tent wall. *facepalm* “For god’s sake! What have you done now?” I looked through. He was on the other side staring in, his eye, big in the hole. “Oh…Sorry,” I said, “I didn’t mean to, honest… Oh! There’s dry land out there!”

The Shop Downstairs (:45)

We live in a flat, over a shop. It’s an estate agent’s called Norman and DeButt. My father told me that Norman is the talkative one. He’s full of big ideas. He rushes in and starts gabbling away with what they’re going to do. Things like, “We could open a new shop! We could buy new desks! We could be millionaires!” And then, Mr. Butt says, “But…” And so nothing happens. That’s them, Norman and Butt, says my dad. “Is that true?” we say. “…Sure it is.”

The Watch (7:56)

My mum and dad gave me a watch. Not a posh watch, good enough to tell the time by, though. And it went well enough until one day at a camp, we were playing Smugglers and Customs over the sand dunes. I was a smuggler, and I had to get twenty thousand pounds through the customs for us to win the game. Twenty thousand pounds, written on a piece of paper. There were three ways to get past the customs. One, by running so fast the customs couldn’t catch you. Two, by going creepy-crawly, so they couldn’t see you. And three, going through the customs with it hidden somewhere. I chose three. I chose to hide it on me somewhere. But where? I know, I said, I’ll stuff it in my watch! And I took the back of my watch, folded up the piece of paper, with the twenty thousand pounds written on it, slipped it into the watch, and clipped the back of my watch on. So then I went creepy-crawly, under the sand dunes. They saw me, they grabbed me, and they searched me. They looked in my pockets. They looked in my shoes. They looked in my socks. They looked in my jumper. Down my jumper, down my shirt, in my armpits. They even looked…UNDER my watch, but they never thought to look IN my watch, did they? So, they let me go. And when I got to the other end, where the other smugglers were, I said, “Hooray! I got through!” And I opened up the back of my watch, and there it was! Twenty thousand pounds! I took it out, handed it over, and we had won the game! I snapped the back of my watch on, looked at the time……My watch…It stopped. It was broken. I’ve broken it. That evening, I told my brother all about it. And I said, “Don’t tell Mum or Dad about it, or I’ll get into trouble. I’ll get it mended secretly.” So there we were, tea time, and my brother suddenly goes “…What’s the time, Mick?” *silent laughing* And I-I went all red and kind of flustered and I go, “Um, uh, um, uh…” I look at my watch and go, “Um, yeah, it’s, um…s’about six o’ clock.” “No, it’s not,” says my dad. “It’s…seven o’ clock!” And he sees me going red. “Is your watch going wrong?” “No, no, it’s…” “Let’s have a look.” “No, no, it’s alright…” “Let’s have a look! Let me have a look at it! ……It’s stopped. It’s broken. How did it get broken?” “I don’t know.” “What do you mean, you don’t know?” My brother was still laughing, all over his face, without making a sound. *silent laughing* So then, I told my dad all about the smugglers and customs, and hiding the money in my watch. He was furious. “We gave you the watch so you could tell the time, not for you to use as part of a secret agent smuggling outfit! Well, don’t expect us to buy you presents like that again!” I was so angry with my brother for getting me into trouble. Inside, I was bubbling. So as soon as tea was over, I went down to our backyard, where there was an old cherry tree. And I broke a twig off it. *pwt!* And it was all prickly and flakey, and covered in a kind of gray slimy muck. So then, I took this twig back upstairs into our bedroom, and I’ll tell you what I did with it. I shoved it into his bed. And as I shoved it into his bed, I thought, this’ll pay him back, this’ll pay him back, this’ll pay him back! He’s gonna get into bed tonight after I’m asleep, and his feet are gonna get all prickled up, and covered in gray, mucky, slimy stuff! Well, later that evening, I was doing some homework. And I had some really hard sums to do. I couldn’t do them. I was stuck. And my brother, he sees me scribbling out all these numbers, and the page is a mess. So my brother, he says, “What’s up? Do you want a bit of help with your sums?” What could I say to that? First, I go, “No, no, no… s’alright.” But he goes “Oh come on, I’ll lend you a hand!” So I say, “Okay.” And he comes over. And he helps me. He’s sitting there, right next to me, my enemy, showing me how to do my sums! And then he said, “Now you try.” And then I could do them! So there I was, friends with him, grateful. I’m saying, “Thanks! Thanks for helping me.” But, in the back of my mind, I know something. The twig was still in the bed. I didn’t know what to say. All I could see was the twig sitting in his bed, just where his feet would get it. Even if I went and got it out, there’d still be a heap of dirty, prickly bits left in his bed. After he showed me how to get all the sums right! So I go, “Look, um…when you go to bed tonight, there’ll be a twig in your bed.” So he goes, “A twig in my bed? A twig in my bed? How did it get there, then?” So I say, “I put it there.” And my mum and dad heard that, so my dad goes “…You put a twig in his bed? Did I hear that right? You put a twig in his bed? Might I ask why did you put a twig in his bed?” And I just couldn’t say. I just sat there like a lemon. I couldn’t say it was to pay him back for telling on me about the watch, because they wouldn’t think there was anything wrong with him doing that. So I just sat there, and then I said, “I don’t know.” *facepalm* What a stupid thing to say, my dad goes “You don’t know why you put a twig in his bed? You don’t know why? The boy’s going mad! First thing he does is smash up his watch, and the next thing, he’s stuffing twigs in people’s beds! He’s going stark staring mad, I tell you!” I didn’t think I was going mad, and I don’t think my brother did. I think he knew why I put a twig in his bed.

The Wedding (:56)

Uncle Ronnie got married in Schule(?). My dad was the best man. There they all were, standing under the huppah(?), and the rabbi is talking, and Bubbe is watching from her wheelchair, and it’s time for my dad to hand Ronnie the ring. Out it come, and just as my dad gives it to him, Ronnie faints. Out cold. Bubbe starts crying, and everyone in the Schule starts talking and tutting. So the bride’s brother got his shoulder, in tight on Ronnie on one side, and my dad got his shoulder, in tight on Ronnie on the other, and the shamus(?) propped him up from behind. And that was how Uncle Ronnie got married. Bubbe said later, it was a terrible shame he missed it.

The Youngest (1:08)

I’m the youngest in our house, so it goes like this. My brother comes in and says, “Tell him to clear the fluff out from under his bed.” And Mum says, “Clear the fluff out from under your bed.” Father says, “You heard what your mother said.” “What?” I said. “The fluff,” he says. “Clear the fluff out from under your bed.” So I say, “There’s fluff under his bed, too, you know!” So Father says, “But we’re talking about the fluff under YOUR bed.” “You will clear it out, won’t you?” Mum says. So now, my brother, all puffed up, says… “Clear the fluff out from under your bed, clear the fluff out from under your bed!” Now I’m angry. I am angry. So I say…What shall I say? I say, “Shut up, stinks! You can’t rule my life!”

They Said I Say (1:45)

Whenever my mother left the house, she’d say “Where’s my hat? I’m going.” But I didn’t understand. “But you haven’t got a hat,” I’d say. Whenever I had wrinkles in my socks, my mother would say “Take the bagels out of your socks.” I didn’t understand. I’d say, “I haven’t got any bagels in my socks.” Whenever we sang in school, “There is a green hill far away, without a city wall”, I didn’t understand. I’d say, “Green hills don’t have city walls.” Whenever our history teacher lost her temper, she’d say, “Great Scott! You’re for the high jump!” I didn’t understand. Who was Scott? Why was he great? And why did we have to do the high jump? As we leave for nursery school in the morning, I say to my four-year-old daughter, “Where’s my hat? I’m going.” And she says, “But you haven’t got a hat.” I look at her socks, and say “Take the bagels out of your socks.” She says, “I haven’t got any bagels in my socks.” Along the way, I sing “There is a green hill far away, without a city wall”, and she says “Why does the green hill got a city wall?” And when I say good-bye to her, I say “Great Scott! You’re for the high jump!” And she says, “No, I’m not!”

Washing Up (5:29)

On Sundays my mum and dad said “Right, we’ve cooked the dinner, you two can wash it up”. And then, they went off to the front room. So then, we began. First there was the row about who was to wash, and who was to dry. My brother said “You’re too slow at washing. I have to hang about waiting for you”. So I said “You always wash! It's not fair!” “Hard cheese!” he says. “I’m doing it.” So that was that. “Whoever dries, has to stack the dishes,” he says. So that’s me, stacking the dishes, while he’s getting the water ready. Now, quite often, we used to have mustard with our Sunday dinner. And we didn't have it out of a tube. One of us used to make it, with the powder in an eggcup. And there was nearly always some left over. Anyway, my brother, he’d be washing up by now. And he’s standing there at the sink, his hands in the water. I’m drying up. And suddenly he goes “Quick, quick! Quick! Quick! Come over here, come over here! You're gonna miss it, you're gonna miss it! Quick, quick, quick, quick, come on, you'll miss it!” “What?” I say. “Quick, quick, quick, come on, come on, in the water!” And I say “What, what do you mean, what do you...” “Give us your hand, give us your hand,” he says. And he grabs my hand, and then my finger... “What?!” I say. “That!” he says. *PFF!* And he pulls my finger under the water, and stuffs it into the eggcup, with leftover blobs of old mustard stuck to the bottom. It’s all slimy! OH, HORRIBLE! I was an idiot to have believed him. So I go on, drying up. Suddenly, I feel a little speck of water on my neck. *pwt!* I look up at the ceiling. Where’d that come from? I look at my brother. He’s grinning all over his big face. *smiles all over big face* “Aye, cut that out!” He grins again, sticks his finger under the water in the bowl and... *pwt!* *pwt!* “Aye! That got me right in my face!” “Did it? Did it? Did it?” He’s well pleased. So now, it's my turn. I’ve got the drying up cloth, haven’t I? And I’ve been practicing for ages, on the kitchen door handle. Now, he’s got his back to me, washing up. And... *whwhwhwh* And out goes the cloth like a whip. *whchoo!* And it catches him, right on the “OW! That hurt! I didn’t hurt you!” Now it's me grinning. So he goes “Alright. Let's call it quits.” “OK,” I say. “One-all. Fair-y square-y.” So I go on drying up. What I don’t know, is that he’s got the empty washing up bottle, under the water. *blubblubblubblubblubblub* It's filling up with dirty, soapy water. And next thing it’s out of the water, and he's gone *ppppPPPPPL* And it squished, all over my face! “Got you in the mush!” he says. “Right, that’s it!” I say. “I’ve had enough.” And I go upstairs, and I get his old bicycle cape. Yeah? One of those capes that you can wear, when you ride a bicycle in the rain. So I come down, in the bicycle cape, and I say “OK. I’m ready for anything you’ve got now. You can't get me now, can you? So next thing, he’s got the little washing up brush, and it's got little bits of meat fat and squashed peas stuck in it. And he’s come up to me and he's in, up, UNDER the cape with it, and he’s working it, round and round, under my jumper, and under my chin! So that makes me really wild. And I make a grab for anything that’ll hold water. Dip in the sink, and fling it at him! Yeah! What I don’t know, is that while I went upstairs to get the cape, he’s got a secret weapon ready. It’s his bicycle pump. He’s loaded it with the dirty washing up water by sucking it all in. *slurrrrp* He picks it up, and it’s *pppPPPL!* squirt again, all over my hair! Suddenly, the door opens. *pshoo!* “Have you finished the --” It's Mum AND Dad. “Just look at this... look at the pair of them.” And there’s water all over the floor, all over the table. And all we’ve washed up is two plates and the mustard pot. My dad says, *facepalm* “You can’t be trusted to do anything you’re asked, can you? Hm?” He always says that. Mind you, the floor was pretty clean… after we’d mopped it all up.

CHAPTER 3

Nat and Anna at the Doctors

Little Nat and his older sister Anna are at the doctors. Nat and Anna sat in the waiting room with Mum. Anna said, "When I grow up, I'm gonna be a doctor." Nat said, "When I grow up, I'm gonna be a doctor." Anna said, "I don't want you to be a doctor." Nat said, "You can't stop me! Look! I'm a doctor!" Anna said, "No you're not! You're Nat." Nat said, "I'm Doctor Nat, the doctor!" Anna said, "So? I'm Doctor Anna." Nat said, "I'm the doctor round here! You can be a lorry driver." Anna said "I don't wanna be a lorry driver!" Nat said, "You can be ill. You got a headache!" Anna said "I'm not playing this anymore, Nat." Nat said, "I am. I'm Doctor Nat, I'm Doctor Nat." Anna said "You're not! You're Doctor Sick, because you're sick all the time." Nat said "I'm not sick all the time!" Anna said "Doctor Sick Sick Sick!" Nat said "You're getting really ill, Anna. And I'm gonna make you better." Nat sat on Anna. Anna said "I'm not ill, I'm not ill, I'm not ill!" Mum looked up. Mum said, "You ARE ill, Anna. That's why we've come to see the doctor, okay?" Nat said, "Anna is Doctor Sick!" Anna said "Next time you're ill, Nat, I'm gonna be Doctor Jump, and I'm coming to jump on you!" Nat said, "Aw, don't, Anna." Anna said "Yes I will! Jump, jump, jump all over you!" Nat sat and thought about Anna jumping on him. Nat said, "Hey Anna, look. Let's both be ill, eh?" Anna said "No! Let's both be Doctor Jump!"

The Noise

The Noise. If my father wanted you to be quiet, he didn't say "Shush", he didn't say "Be quiet", he didn't say "Shut up!" All he did was put his hand up to the side of his face and say in a quiet voice that sounded as if there were some kind of terrible pain in the middle of his brain... "The Noise!" It was as if the palm of his hand were trying to reach inside his head to get at some awful thing in there. So, we would be going on a car trip. Dad driving, Mum next to him, me and my brother in the back. My brother says, "There's an imaginary line down the middle of the back seat, I'm this side, you're that side, you can't cross the line. I'm this side of the line, you're that side of the line." So "Yeah, yeah, no, I get the point," I said, "there's a line." "And you can't cross the line," he says, so I say "Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I get the point. I won't cross the line." And then, I stick my hand over the line. "Nah nah na nah nah!" "Hey!" he says. "You crossed the line!" "I didn't! Nah nah na nah nah!" And I stick my hand across the line again and again, "Nah nah na nah nah!" "You crossed the line!" he says. "I didn't!" I say, and I stick my hand across the line again! "Nah nah na nah nah!" "Mum! He crossed the line!" "I DIDN'T!" I say, and my dad's hand goes up to the side of his face, and... "The noise!" My brother used to imitate it. If I was making a racket, my brother would walk round the house going "The noise! The noise!" So it's breakfast. My dad couldn't stand any noise at breakfast. One, *sniff* and it was... The Glare. He comes downstairs, sits down in the chair, opens up the newspaper. You can't see him. He's disappeared. One moment you've got a dad, and the next all you've got is a newspaper. All you can see is his hand. It comes out from behind the newspaper, moves across the table all on its own, finds the cup of coffee, and disappears behind the newspaper. He didn't even drop the newspaper to see where the cup was, he just knew where it was! We used to stare at The Hand, coming out, grabbing the cup, disappearing behind the paper. Once, my brother moved the coffee cup. He goes, [silently mouthing "shh, I'm going to move the coffee cup"]. The hand came out. Couldn't find the cup. The newspaper came down. "What's going on?" says my dad. He grabs the cup, and disappears behind the paper. And once, I sat there, and a little voice inside me said "Hey. Why don't you practice playing drums on the side of the table?" I said "No, that'd be crazy. Dad can't stand any noise at breakfast," and the little voice said "Yeah, but you know you want to. Go on, pick up the knife and fork, and... pff, chk-chk, pff, chk-chk, pff, away you go." "No, no, no, no, I couldn't." But I did! Knife, fork, side of the table, and pff, chk-chk, pff, chk-chk, pff! The newspaper came down and my dad's hand went up to the side of his face, he starts to say "The noise!" But my brother was in there quick with "The NOIIIIIISE!" And my dad was left there with his hand there in midair, still trying to say "The....................."

Gymnastics

Gymnastics. When my mum and dad went out, we moved the chair to the end of the satie. And then we used to take it in turns to do dive bombs off the chair, onto the satie. Stand by! Wheeeeeee! Ker-flump! Great. Jump down, onto the floor, back onto the chair. Stand by for the dive bomb! Wheeeeeeee! Ker-flump! Wow, did you see that one? Then, we put another chair on the other end of the satie, and rammed the table up close to that chair. Then, you could dive bomb off the chair, onto the satie, wheeeeeee, ker-flump, climb onto the chair on the other end of the satie, then up onto the table, leap off the table like a RED DEVIL, YAHOOOO, BAM, onto the floor. Then, we piled up all the cushions in the corner, so you could go tunneling along the wall, round the corner, back to the chair, next to the satie, jigga-jigga-jigga-jigga-jigga, and banging your feet on the floorboards, thudda-thudda-thudda-thudda-thudda. Great! I asked Harrybo, Tony Sanders, Lizzie Grey and Hendy over, and all seven of us went round! Great! Next day, we all met up and it was Lizzie who said, "Hey, after we've dive-bombed the satie, we could trampoline for a bit! Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy! And then if we pulled the flaps out of the table, we could do marching on the table, clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp!" "Great," I said, "come over!" "Yeah! We'll come over for gymnastics at Rosie's place!" So that night, we dashed out of school, into our front room, moved the furniture around, and away we went. Stand by for dive bomb! Wheeeeeee! Ker-flump! Onto the satie. Trampoline. Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy. Up onto chair number two. Up onto the table. March. Clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp. Red devil! Yahoo! Bam! Onto the floor! Jugga-jugga-jugga-jugga, under the cushions, thudda-thudda-thudda-thudda, and back to chair number one. All seven of us! Great! Screaming our heads off, round and round our gymnastics course! Then the doorbell rang. Right in the middle of our session! The doorbell! I went and answered the door. It was the man from downstairs. He looked at me for a long time. And then he started to speak. "Is your father in?" "No," I said. "Tell him I want a word with him when he comes in, will you?" he said. "Yeah," I said. He went on looking at me. I could hear him breathing, and his eyes were getting big, and his mouth was tightening up, and he shouted, "My light fitting has just fallen out of my ceiling! What's going on?! I've never heard anything like it, what have you got in there? Hm? A herd of elephants? My light fitting has just fallen out of my ceiling!" Then, all quiet, he said, "I shall tell your mother and father about this, don't you worry, sonny. You'll see!" He went indoors. I dashed back to the front room. They were lying about all over the floor, panting and giggling, YEAH-HAH-HAH! "That! Hah! That was the man from downstairs! He says we've bust his light or something!" "Blimey," one of them says, "you're in trouble." "Yeah, Rosen's in trouble," they said, and they got up off the floor and dashed out the house. You can bet they didn't hang about or anything.

Nat and Anna at the Beach

Little Nat and his older sister Anna are at the beach. Nat and Anna were walking along the beach. Anna said, "You've got to look out for jellyfish, Nat." Nat said, "I am looking out for jellyfish, Anna." Anna said, "They're enormous!" Nat said "I know they are." Anna said, "And they're very yellow!" Nat said "I know they are." Anna said "And they sting!" Nat said, "Oh." Anna said "They sting very hard, and it hurts." Nat said "Oh." Nat started to walk very slowly, and he was looking at the sand very hard. Anna said, "Come on, Nat! Keep up!" Nat said, "I am, Anna." Anna said, "What's the matter, Nat?" Nat said, "Nothing!" Anna said "Are you... worried about something, Nat?" Nat said, "No!" Anna said "Come on then!" Nat said "Look out! That's a jellyfish, Anna! It's gonna sting me! I wanna go back! That's a jellyfish, Anna!" Anna said, "Where?" Nat said, "There!" Anna said, "That's a piece of seaweed, Nat." Nat went on walking very slowly, looking at the sand very hard. Anna said, "Stop there, Nat! Don't move!" Nat said "I know! I can see it! I can see the jellyfish! It's a really big one! It's gonna sting me! I wanna go back, Anna!" Anna said "Ohhh, It's flown away." Nat said, "What's flown away?" Anna said, "That seagull." Nat said "But I'm looking at the jellyfish! It's gonna sting me! I wanna go back, Anna! That's a jellyfish, Anna!" Anna said, "Where?" Nat said, "There!" Anna said, "That's a piece of wood, Nat." Nat went on walking very slowly. Nat said, "Hey Anna!" Anna said "Yeah?" Nat said, "What's that?" Anna screamed! "YAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Nat said "What's the matter?!" Anna said, "That's a jellyfish! Don't touch it, Nat! Don't go anywhere near it, Nat! It's a jellyfish!" Nat said, "Anna..." Anna said, "Don't talk, Nat. Don't say anything." Nat said, "Anna..." Anna said, "Don't move, Nat! Don't move! It's gonna sting me! I wanna go back! It's a jellyfish, Nat!" Nat said, "Anna... it's an old balloon." Anna looked at it for a long time. Anna said, "So? So what if it is?" Nat and Anna went very quiet. Anna said "You're afraid of jellyfish, Nat?" Nat said "A bit." Anna said, "Me too." Nat said, "Smelly jellyfish." Anna said, "Smelly jelly smelly fish."

The Register

The Register. Right class six! Register time, that means everyone sitting down. Uh, everyone, Darren. No, Darren, we're not feeding the snails now. Sarah, could you pass me the register? No, I haven't got it, you got it, you went to fetch it, remember? Oh, that was yesterday, was it? Darren! Leave the snails alone! One moment, everyone. Mister Hardware wants a word. Right class six, Mister Hardware says that any tennis balls landing in the gutter by the kitchen will be left there till Christmas, when they'll be sent to Doctor Bernardo's. Heh, no, he's not my doctor, Louise, my doctor doesn't need tennis balls, Doctor Bernardo's not alive, he's-- yes, I know, Wayne, that if he's not alive he can't use tennis balls. Darren! Don't touch the snails, do you hear me? Does anyone know who or what is Doctor Bernardo's? No, Hugh, not a dog's home. Yes, Abdul, a children's home, well done. Oh, I wonder, Mrs. Morris, ah, don't want to be rude, I'm just settling the children down, perhaps you could see a way to leaving now? I'm sure David is okay, Mrs. Morris, yes. Cake-making on Friday will be lovely, Mrs. Morris, but... Wayne! That's very rude! We've talked about kissing before. If Mrs. Morris wants to kiss David goodbye, that's okay, and you've got no right to laugh-- oh, thank you again, Mrs. Morris, yes, biscuit-making, too? That'll be lovely, thank you so much. Goodbye, Mrs. Morris. She's not waving to you, Sophie. Uh, yes, Colin? Well, I'm sure Mister Hardware means any kind of ball, and... footballs, basketballs... You've got a baseball from your American cousin! That was very nice of him. No, no, I don't know who won the World Series, I can't guess because I don't know the names of any baseball teams. Ah! Mrs. Riley, good morning. Right class six, Mrs. Riley says that if anyone who usually has a school dinner on Thursday but wants a school packed lunch for the outing to the science museum, then could they fill in the form. Yes, Judy? Uhhhhh, the form. Well, I'm not quite sure what form at the moment but I'm sure a form will be coming along soon. They usually do, and I'll tell you when it does. Well, if you don't want a school packed lunch and you don't bring a packed lunch, then you'll be very hungry, won't you? Darren! I don't want to have to tell you about the snails again! We're doing the register now, not snails! Yes, Zoey, I know quite well that I'm not actually doing the register at this very second but I will be, and I could be. Do you know what the time is, Mervin? You do. Do you know how many minutes late you are, Mervin? You do. Do you have any idea how we're going to get you to come to school on time, Mervin? You don't. Ah, Mark and Hong, sitting very nicely. Ah! Mrs. Morris! You're back! Yes, yes, we could make toffee as well, an excellent idea-- QUIET! There'll be no toffee for anyone if there's that kind of noise! Thank you so much, Mrs. Morris, I'm... I'm sure we have the right pans for making toffee, but I can't look just now. Bye-bye. Yes, yes, of course, bye-bye. Roshida, Jason, Simone, all sitting very nicely. Darren! Not sitting nicely, not sitting at all, in fact! Oh no! He's left the lid off! Quick! Abdul! The lid! Put the lid back on the snails! What?? One's missing?? Which one? No, not all of you, everyone come back, sit down. Abdul, and just Abdul, can you tell us which snail is missing? Robin. Was Robin in the aquarium before, Darren? No, Mervin, snails don't eat each other, you know they eat leaves. All term we've been looking at how they eat leaves, we've written poems about how they eat leaves, we've drawn graphs of how many leaves they eat in a day, and now you're telling me that they eat each other? You know, sometimes I wonder why we've got these snails here, oh... it really isn't something to cry about, Paul, I know Robin was your favorite, and I... I'm sure Batman doesn't miss him, I, I'm not... I'm not sure snails miss each other, look. I just don't want to deal with this right now, I'm sure Robin will turn up, he... he can't have gone far, snails don't gallop, do they? Darren! Is that the truth? Is what Selena is saying true? Is it? Well, take Robin out of your pocket right now. Put him back in the aquarium and go straight downstairs to see Mrs. Rashid, and you can explain to her what you did to Robin. I'm not sure you'll be here for Mrs. Morris's baking day at this rate. Ah, and who's this? John. Hm. Uh, no, uhhhh, I'm sorry, John, no you can't have the register just yet, tell Mrs. Riley we'll be down with it in just a moment. Right class six! The register! Now where [mumbles] where is it? Where, where was it? It was... It was, it was here a moment ago... Can anyone see the register? Can anyone see the register?

Eddie and the Car

Eddie and the Car. The stupidest thing I've ever done happened in France. We were going to have a picnic so we were driving along the road, in our little yellow Renault 4. Have you ever seen a Renault 4? It's like a square tin box. If you lean on it the walls are so thin, your hand goes straight through the side of the car, PFF. We were off to have a picnic. Have you noticed how long it takes for parents to make up their minds where to stop for a picnic? It takes us longer to find where to have the picnic than it takes to eat it. We stop, we get out, we spread the sheet, we unload the boxes and bags and bottles, we sit down and it's... *sniff, sniff, sniff* What's that? What on earth could smell like that? A dead dog? OK, everyone, back in the car! Drive on. We stop, we get out, we spread the sheet, we unload the boxes and bags and bottles, we sit down and it's... ZZZZZZZZZ! DZZZZZZZZZZ! ZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Wasps! Hundreds of them. OK, everyone, back in the car! Drive on. In the end, we got to this perfect place. Back the car up a little slope, laid everything on the ground, sat down. "Eddie? Do you want some chicken?" "Nuhhh." "Eddie, do you want some crisps?" "Uhhh." "A drink?" "Nah." "Right, well, you toddle off, and leave us to eat in peace." So Eddie, who was three years old at the time, walked off to the car, and got into the back seat. He looked out the window and called out "LOOK AT ME! I'M IN THE CAR!" Joe, who was seven, looks over and starts giggling back at Eddie. "Look at Eddie, Dad!" "Turn round, Joe. Don't take any notice of him, mhm? It only encourages him. Turn round." Then Eddie climbed into the front seat of the car. He grabbed hold of the steering wheel, and shouted out at us. "LOOK AT ME! I'M DRIVING!" And Joe says, "Look at Eddie, Dad! He's driving!" I say, "Turn round, Joe. Don't take any notice of him, it only encourages him. Turn round. Hm?" We went on eating. Then Joe looked up and said, "Dad, the car's moving." I said "Don't be silly, Joe." And I turned round to look at the car. He was right! The car was moving slowly down the slope towards the road, with Eddie at the wheel! He's screaming "THE CAR'S MOVING! THE CAR'S MOVING!" Now. If you were a sensible, intelligent person at this moment, you might perhaps go over to the car, open the door, get Eddie out, jump in, jam on the brakes, and stop the car. That would be the sensible thing to do. Slightly less sensible but still quite sensible would be to go over to the car, open the door, get Eddie out, close the door, and... wave goodbye to the car. At least Eddie would be safe. What I did was try to stop the car. I rushed over and grabbed hold of the pillow between the two doors, and tried to stop the car going down the slope. Eddie was screaming out the window, "THE CAR'S MOVING!" And I'm grunting back at him, "I know it's moving!" All the time the car is moving down the slope, and I'm hanging on! Rmm! Rmm! On the roof of the car is a tray of peaches, so Joe is calling out "Dad, ha ha, look at the peaches! The peaches are flying off the roof of the car!" And I'm saying "Never mind the peaches!" And Eddie is shouting "THE CAR'S MOVING!" "I know it's moving!" Now I know that what we've got coming up next is the road. So I think, it'll be flatter there, the car will slow down. I'll be able to stop the car. We get to the road. The car doesn't slow down; I'm not able to stop the car. "Dad! Look at the peaches!" "Never mind the peaches!" "THE CAR'S MOVING!" "I know it's moving!" We are now heading for a twelve-foot ditch! The car nosedives down the ditch, with me still hanging on! It bounces once, twice on its nose, and lands up stuck headfirst, in a hedge, with its wheels spinning in midair. I opened the door, grabbed hold of Eddie, got him out and he jumped into his mother's arms, and bit her. He sunk his teeth right into her arm. Ung! Joe is walking around saying "Heh, look at the peaches! Yeah, look at the peaches!" Eddie is okay, now to get the car out of the hedge. Get in, *click* start up, into reverse, and nothing. The little yellow Renault 4 has front-wheel drive, the front wheels are turning over and over and over in midair, and nothing else is moving. What to do? I got out the car, and looked around. There's no one anywhere. We're in the middle of the French countryside. We're stuck, in a hedge, miles from home. Then I looked again. And up the road, I could see in a field, someone's backside. A man was bending down, digging potatoes. So I ran up the road, and I spoke to him. "Excusez-moi, monsieur, je suis anglais et je suis stupide," um, I'm English and I'm stupid, and my little boy got on the front seat of the car and the car went down the hill, and *slap*, PWT, it's stuck. The man stood up and slowly wagged his finger at me. "Jamais, jamais, jamais," never, never, never, never let a child onto the front seat of a car. They can easily-- "yeah, I know that now," I said, "but how do I get the car out?" He then raised both hands by his side and said "Bof." This is French for "I haven't got a clue, you're on your own, mate." Try it, look. Raise both hands by your side, hands upwards, and as you say it, you puff your cheeks out. "Bof." So now what? Far away in the distance I see a man plowing a field. So I started off, running up the road towards him. And as I'm running along, I start to realize that I am only wearing my underpants. When we had the picnic, I thought that I would sunbathe, so here I am, running down the road, in my underpants. No matter, must press on. As I got nearer to the field where the man was plowing, I started thinking, how do you get someone to stop, how do you get someone to stop plowing a field? So I climbed over the fence, and stood in front of the tractor, held up both my hands, and started waving. I don't suppose the farmer had ever seen a large hairy bloke in his underpants standing in front of his tractor waving his hands. But he brought the tractor up to me and stopped it. Choomp, choomp, choomp, choomp, choomp, bff. And he said, "Eh bien?" Which is French for, "Well, have you got something to say or not, or are you completely stupid?" As you say it you have to nod your head upwards, leaving your mouth open after you've said it. The "bien" part sounds a bit like "bang", doesn't it? Say it through your nose. "Eh bien?" So I said, "Excusez-moi, monsieur, je suis anglais et je suis stupide," um, I'm English and I'm stupid, and my little boy got on the front seat of the car and the car went down the hill, and PWT, it's stuck. The man looked at me and slowly wagged his finger at me. "Jamais, jamais, jamais," never, never, never, never let a child onto the front seat of a car because they can easily-- "yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know that now, but do you think you could help me? *stutters* I could pay you, and it would be very nice if..." So, three hours later, after he had lunch, he came along with his tractor, his wife, his dog, and a long chain. They tied the chain round the back bumper of the car, and pulled, and they heaved, and they heaved, and they pulled, just like the story of the enourmous turnip, and they pulled, and they HEAVED the bumper right off the car. Thanks. Well in the end, they got the little yellow Renault 4 out of the bush and out of the ditch, and after we had kicked it a few times, it worked. It was a little bit difficult going round corners, but it worked. We've got a photo of the little yellow Renault 4 stuck in the ditch in our photo album. It's great! It reminds me of the stupidest thing I've ever done.

The Hole In The Wall

The Hole in the Wall. I loved sharing a room with my brother. But one day my parents said that my brother was going to move out of our room. He was going to have a room of his own. We wouldn't share anymore. So he moved out the model cars he had made and the model trains and the model planes. They all went off to the room next door. His room. In there, he set up the model cars he had made and the model trains and the model planes. And soon he got to work making something new, something really big. I wanted to be in there while he was making it. But I had to go to bed in my room. The room that used to be our room. So I had an idea. I had a metal ruler, a hard steel ruler, with sharp edges and corners. I got into bed with this metal ruler, and just where the bed meets the wall, just out of sight of anyone looking, I started to scratch the wall with the hard corner of the metal ruler. Scratch, scratch, scratch, scrape, scrape, scrape. I was making a hole through to my brother's bedroom. I twisted the corner of the metal ruler, round and round and round. Scratch, scratch, scratch, scrape, scrape, scrape. And after ages of scratching and scraping, all I'd made was a little tiny dent in the wall. So I went to sleep. The next night, and the next... Scratch, scratch, scratch, scrape, scrape, scrape. The dent got a tiny bit deeper. And the next night, and the next. Scratch, scratch, scratch, scrape, scrape, scrape. After a few nights, I reached a bit of wood. Should I try to scrape through the wood, or around it? I decided to go over the top. But this would make the hole wider, and maybe someone would see it, but I didn't care! I had to go on. I had to make the hole, I had to get through to my brother's room. Scratch, scratch, scratch, scrape, scrape, scrape. It was now a little cave in the wall. A secret tunnel. I wet my fingers in my drink and then dabbed the dry plaster with my fingers. The plaster went dark, the secret tunnel was wet. What if I could shrink myself down, and crawl through it? Be an explorer, bravely climbing through the dangerous cave! Will I get through, or will I be trapped in here forever? Just then, my dad popped his head round the door. "Good night, Mick," he said all cheerily. I hadn't heard him coming. Oh no! He mustn't see it! So I sat up in the bed and quickly twisted round to cover up the hole in the wall. He mustn't see the hole! But he saw me do this sitting up twisty-round thing. Oh no! He's seen me! Instead of going back downstairs, he opened the door and walked into the room! Still cheery, he says, "Heh, what's that you're doing? What are you covering up there?" "Nothing." "No come on, mate, look at you, I can see from the way you're sitting and covering up something." "No..." Still cheery, he says "Oh come on, come away from the wall, let me have a look." What could I do? I had to let him see, so I leaned forward, and he saw it straight away! The hole in the wall! Oh no. It's the moment where the cheery stuff stops. It's the moment where the cheery... stuff... stops. He stood there, staring at the hole in the wall. He pointed at it. "What's that?" he says. "It's a hole in the wall," I said. "I can see it's a hole in the wall," he says, "but how in heaven's name did you make a hole in the bedroom wall?" "With this," I said. And I pulled the metal ruler out from under the covers. He slapped his hand on his forehead. *facepalm* "You've wrecked the wall!" he says. He shouted for my mum. "Connie! Connie, come and have a look at this!" And of course my brother comes running along behind her. All three of them stood by my bed, staring at the hole in the wall! "Look what he's done," says my dad. "Look at it! Look at it, he's wrecked the wall! It's wrecked!" "Oh, Michael," says my mum. And my brother, he's giggling and giggling. "WA HA HA, OOH HOO, AH HA HA, IT MUST'VE TAKEN HIM AGES!" he says. And mum is saying, "But Michael, what did you think you were doing, and... why did you do it?" And I said, "I was trying to get through to Brian's room." And my brother says, "But Mick, you could've just got up, walked out of the door, walked across the landing, and in through my door!"

Little Rabbit Foo Foo

Little Rabbit Foo Foo. Little Rabbit Foo Foo, riding through the forest, scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head! Down came the Good Fairy! Wheeeeeeeeeeee, and she said, Little Rabbit Foo Foo, I don't like your attitude, scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. I'm gonna give you three chances to change, and if you don't, I'm gonna turn you into a GOOONIEEEE. Little Rabbit Foo Foo, riding through the forest, scooping up the wriggly worms and bopping them on the head! Down came the Good Fairy! Wheeeeeeeeeeee, and she said, Little Rabbit Foo Foo, I don't like your attitude, scooping up the wriggly worms and bopping them on the head. You've got two more chances to change, and if you don't, I'm gonna turn you into a GOONIE. Little Rabbit Foo Foo, riding through the forest, scooping up the TIGERS and bopping them on the head! Down came the Good Fairy! Wheeeeeeeeeeee, and she said, Little Rabbit Foo Foo, I don't like your attitude, scooping up the tigers and bopping them on the head. You've got one chance left to change, and if you don't, I'm gonna turn you into a GOONIE. Little Rabbit Foo Foo, riding through the forest, scooping up the goblins and bopping them on the head! Down came the Good Fairy! Wheeeeeeeeeeee, and she said, Little Rabbit Foo Foo, I don't like your attitude, scooping up the goblins and bopping them on the head. You've got no chances left, so I'm going to turn you into a goonie! Ker-pow! Wheeeeee....

Eddie and the Supermarket

Eddie and the Supermarket. Shopping with Eddie was a nightmare. I lift Eddie up, and squeeze him into the seat on the shopping trolley. "In you get, little fella." So he goes... rigid! He turns himself into a little fat iron bar that can't be bent. I can't push his legs through the spaces. "In you get, Eddie!" Push. I said, "In you (push) get, Eddie!" Squeeze. Slowly he lets his legs relax, and I un-bend them, and thread them into the trolley and off we go. We're wheeling past the baked beans, and he leans out and grabs a can. "BEANS! More beans!" "No, Eddie, we don't need anymore beans." "BEANS, BEANS, BEANS, beans!" "No, we don't need any beans." "BEANS, BEANS, BEANS!" "No beans, Eddie." We're heading now for the Kit-Kats, Penguins, Topic bars, Crunches, Milky Ways. He stops shouting "beans, beans, beans", and leans out of his seat, arms waving, we whizz round the corner of the packs of chocolate wafers and his chunky little hand grabs a packet. "WHEEEEE, CHOCOLATE, WHEEEEE!" "We're going to take that packet back, Eddie, we're going to take that packet back." Then there is an explosion. "MY CHOCOLATE! MY CHOCOLATE, MY CHOCOLATE!" He turns into the little fat iron bar again. In front of my eyes he becomes a screaming demon, head flumped back, face going red, eyes going swollen, back stiff, hands punching out, body heaving to and fro. A woman is looking at me, and saying to herself, "You're a torturer. You're horrible to babies." "MY CHOCOLATE, BEANS, BEANS, BEANS!" Some people walk about pretending like nothing is going on, but I can tell they're in pain. The noise of Eddie is getting into their bones. People are moving away from us. There's a man over there, hurrying to get to the kitchen rolls. Eddie is wrenching the bars off the trolley. "CHOCOLATE BEANS! MY CHOCOLATE BEANS!" I want some kitchen rolls too. So the man, who's trying to get away from me, thinks he's being hunted by Eddie! Then, one of the shelf stackers tries to be friendly. He looks at the screaming blob called Eddie and winks. *tsk* And does some useless trick with his finger. *click* And says, "ho, it's not that bad, little one." Thank you, shelf stacker, brilliant finger move. "She is making a fuss, isn't she?" says our jolly shelf stacker. Eddie is veering about so much the shelf stacker can't even tell it's a boy. "BEANS, BEANS, BEANS, CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE!" I wanna yell my head off too. I wanna run around the supermarket waving my arms about screaming "beans, beans, beans". I wanna sit in someone's trolley and bend bars and drop baked bean cans on the floor and grab chocolate biscuits and drive my dad crazy. Then! The security men arrive! They've come to collect the money from the cash registers. There's four of them. They're huge, in big padded blue uniforms with crash helmets on, truncheons in their belts. This is my chance. "Eddie, look who's come to get you." He looks. He looks! And he stops howling. Ahhh, all around me people relax. They smile, they chat. I glide through, paying my bill. We all float out into the car park. Everything feels nice and easy. When we get home, I find that we've forgotten to get bread, jam, toilet rolls, milk, orange juice, tuna fish, and cornflakes. *smack* "Dinner time, Eddie," I say, "what do you want?" "BEANS!" says Eddie. I go to the cupboard. He was right. We have run out of beans. I say, "uh, Eddie, I'm sorry, but, um... we've run out of beans. No beans." And he says... "BEANS! BEANS! BEANS! BEANS! BEANS! BEEEEEEEEANS!"

The Torch

The Torch. I nagged my mum and dad for a torch. "Oh go on, I'd love a torch. One of those ones with the black rubber around them, oh go on, pleeeease?" It was no good. I wasn't getting anywhere. Then came my birthday. On the table was a big box. In the box, a torch. My dad took it out the box. "You see that torch?" he says. "It's waterproof. That is, a waterproof torch." Waterproof! Wow! So that night, I got into the bath, and went underwater swimming with it. Breathe in, *LOUD INHALE* under the water, switch on *PWT*, search for shipwrecks, and treasure. Up, breathe, *LOUD INHALE* under again. Exploring the ocean floor. Then the torch went out. I shook it, and banged it, but it wouldn't go. I couldn't get it to go again, my birthday torch. So, I got out, dried myself off, put on my pajamas, and went into the kitchen. "The, uh... the torch, it, uh... it won't work, uh... it's broken." And my dad says, "What do you mean, it's broken? It couldn't have just broken, how did it break?" "I dunno! It just went off." "I don't believe it. You ask him a simple question and you never get a simple answer. You must've been doing something with it." "No! It just went off!" "Just try telling the truth, will you? How did it break?" "...I was underwater swimming with it." "Are you mad? When I said the torch is waterproof, I meant it keeps the rain off! I didn't mean you could go deep-sea diving with it! Ruined, completely ruined, for weeks and weeks he nags us stupid that he wants one of these waterproof torches, and the first thing he does is wreck it! How long did it last? Connie, how long did it last? Two minutes? Three minutes? These things cost money, you know. Money." I felt so rotten. My birthday torch. At the weekend, he says, "We're going into Harrow to take the torch back." We walk into the shop. My dad goes up to the man at the counter and he says, "You see this torch? Hm? I bought it for you a couple of weeks ago. It's broken." So the man picks it up. "Well, it couldn't have just broken," says the man. "How did it break?" And my dad says, "I dunno. It just went off." "Surely you must've been doing something with it?" says the man. "Oh, no, no, no," says my dad. "It just went off." "Oh come on," says the man, "these torches don't just break down." So I said, "Well, actually, I, uh, I, I was in the kitchen--" and I got a hard kick on the ankle from my dad. "I was in the... yeah, yeah, the kitchen, and it went off!" So the man said that he would take it out the back to show Len. He took it back out a few minutes later and said that Len couldn't get it to work either, so he would send it back to the makers. "You'll have to have a new one," he says. "I should think so too!" says my dad. "Thank you!" Outside the shop my dad says to me, "What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? You were going to tell him about your underwater swimming fandango, weren't you? Blabbermouth!"

Go Kart

The Go Kart. Me and my mate Harrybo, we once made a go kart. Everyone was making go karts, so we had to make one. Big Tony's was terrific. Big Tony was terrific, because Big Tony told us he was. What he said was, "I am terrific!" And because Big Tony was very big, no one said "uh, Big Tony, you're not terrific." So, Big Tony was terrific, and Big Tony's go kart was terrific, and that was that. When Big Tony sat on his go kart, he looked like a real driver. He had control! When he came down our road round our way called Moss Lane, he could make the wind blow in his hair. *Shhhhhew!* He could make the wheels of his go kart go *BRRRRRRRRRRRRR*, and he went "EEEEEEEEEYOW!" as he went past. I was jealous of Big Tony. I was afraid that I thought he might be... terrific. So, me and Harrybo, we made a go kart out of his old pram, and some boxes and crates we got from the off license. We nailed it up with bent nails, but Harrybo's dad said, "Nahhh, nah, nah, nah, nah. You should use big metal staples." And he gave us some. He said they were... heavy duty. Heavy duty? Wow! That sounded... terrific! So then we tied cord round the front cross piece, but Harrybo's dad said, "Nahhh, nah, nah, nah. You should use the pram handle." And he helped us fix the pram handle to the crosspiece. He said, "That'll give you... control." Control, wow! That sounded... terrific! Harrybo sat on the beer crate, and steered. I kneeled behind but Harrybo's dad said, "Nahhh, nah, nah, nah, nah. You should kneel on foam pads." And he cut these two foam pads for me to kneel on. Harrybo's dad said, "That will help you last the course." Last the course! Wow! That sounded terrific! Our go kart was ready. So we took it up to the top of Moss Lane and Harrybo said, "I'll steer." And he did. It was fantastic! It felt just like Big Tony looked! The hair, in the wind! *Shhhhhew!* The wheels! *BRRRRRRRRRRRRR* So we both went "EEEEEEEEEYOW!" So we took it up to the top of Moss Lane again, and Harrybo said, "I'll steer." And he did. It was... amazing! The road went blurry. The hair, in the wind! *Shhhhhew!* The wheels went *BRRRRRRRRRRRRR*! So we both went "EEEEEEEEEYOW!" So we took it up to the top of Moss Lane again, and Harrybo said, "I'll steer." So I said, "Can I have a go?" Harrybo said, "No." "Oh go on," I said. "No," he said, "you've never done it before." "Oh go on, Harrybo, let me have a go! Go on! I mean! Blimey, come on, Harrybo! Go on!" "No." "Oh go on, oh go on, oh go on!" "Alright," he says, "now look out, won't you?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, heh, I know," I said. I thought "I am gonna be, terrific!" My hair. *Shhhhhew!* My wheels! *BRRRRRRRRRRRRR* Me! "EEEEEEEEEYOW!" And away we went! My hair, yeah! *Shhhhhew!* My wheels, yeah! *BRRRRRRRRRRRRR* Me, yeah! "EEEEEEEEEYOW!" BUT. Halfway down Moss Lane, there's Moss Close. And that's where the road curves. And that's where Big Tony steers, Big Tony leans, Big Tony controls. *BRRRRRRRRRRRRR* "EEEEEEEEEYOW!" I saw Moss Close, coming up really fast! "Steer!" shouts Harrybo, "Steer, you big wally!" And I yanked the pram handle! Uh! And the whole world went round once, and twice, and three times, and my head went rolling down the road, pulling me after it, and then the go kart came for the ride, over and over and over, until my nose and my chin and my two front teeth landed up in the grit of the gutter. Harrybo was crying. *cries* I breathed in, and it kinda whistled. *whistles twice* There it was again. I stuck my finger up to my tooth, and it was chipped! Harrybo said "YOU'RE CHIN'S BLEEDING" and I said, "yeah, your chin's bleeding," and "WHAT, NOOOOOOOO!" he said. We walked home. He pulled the kart, got to his place. He didn't say anything, nothing at all, not a word. And he went in. I walked into my place. *whistles three times* It was still whistling! When I got in I told Mum everything, and she said... well, she said all kinds of things, like "Well, your teeth will probably fall out, you know." One of those nice things that mums sometimes say. Next day at school, they were all asking about the crash, they all looked at my tooth, and then they wanted to see the go kart. Harrybo said, "You can't, 'cause my dad's chopped it up." Chopped up? Wow! That sounded... terrible! Hey, when Harrybo got his racer, his brand new racing bike for Christmas, I, I didn't ask him for a go on it. No, I didn't, no... no, I didn't... I wonder why...

They Don't Love You

They Don't Love You. You're thinking that your mother loves your brother more than you. You're thinking that your father loves your sister more than you. You're thinking that your mother loves you less than him. You're thinking that your father loves you less than her. You can prove it, you can prove it, you can prove it. He was asked if he wanted more, he got the present that cost more. No one shouts at her, no one hits her. She gets the smiles, you get the snarls. He gets told he does really well, you get told you should've done better. He's allowed to do what he wants, you're not allowed to do ANYTHING! You're thinking that your mother loves your brother more than you. You're thinking that your father loves your sister more than you. You're thinking that your mother loves you less than him. You're thinking that your father loves you less than her. But there's no one there to see it, no one there to believe it, it's something you know and it's something you say but they think you're mad and they say you're lying. There's no point in trying to get them to love you 'cause they don't and they won't and they won't and they don't so you might as well be a pig.

CHAPTER 4