[09:06] Brynna Brinkelburg: the whole idea of "okay, you're not a kid anymore. now just work until you die. put away the fun stuff" needs to die
[09:07] Morikawa Sachiko: it's probably not going to anytime soon
[09:07] Brynna Brinkelburg: unfortunately
[09:08] Brynna Brinkelburg: that very concept and the ideals of previous generations/opinions on mental illness are pretty much the reason i've given up
like i realize how that sounds but fuckin
[09:08] Brynna Brinkelburg: if someone had given me a chance, if someone had maybe said "hey, wait.... maybe... maybe this kid's problems aren't just whining!"
[09:09] Brynna Brinkelburg: maybe id be ok??
[09:09] Brynna Brinkelburg: i was a smart kid, straight As until highschool
[09:10] Brynna Brinkelburg: then it all came tumbling the fuck down, i couldnt fuckin handle it anymore
[09:10] Brynna Brinkelburg: and instead of helping me up, the people i had depended on my entire life blamed me for falling and said "do you know how that makes ME feel?"
[09:11] Brynna Brinkelburg: like why should i CARE how my misery makes you feel if you do nothing to help me? if you just actively work against my recovery? and i just couldnt fuckin handle it anymore
[09:11] Brynna Brinkelburg: like i tried, right? i tried for a long fuckin time
[09:12] Brynna Brinkelburg: i was given plently of "chances"
[09:12] Brynna Brinkelburg: and by "chances"
[09:12] Brynna Brinkelburg: i mean people telling me "hey, square, here's your round peg! everyone else fit through it, you should too!
[09:12] Brynna Brinkelburg: "corners? no that's just because you don't walk enough! you're just imagining them!
[09:14] Brynna Brinkelburg: here's twenty more convoluted fucking metaphors to explain why i'm such a bitter and despondent fucking person aaaagh

[09:20] Brynna Brinkelburg: lemme tell you about the tipping point
[09:20] Brynna Brinkelburg: the massive fucking anvil that broke the camel's back
[09:20] Brynna Brinkelburg: alright to set the stage: freshman year of highschool, i was like, what, 14? 15? i don't fuckin remember
[09:21] Brynna Brinkelburg: i had finally gotten out of my shitwater vacation town school where nobody gave a shit, i was in a special engineering magnet school
[09:21] Brynna Brinkelburg: where i spent my whole lif until this point with
[09:22] Brynna Brinkelburg: quite literally no friends
[09:22] Brynna Brinkelburg: everybody fuckin hated me
[09:22] Brynna Brinkelburg: and already all my peers were doing better than me
[09:22] Brynna Brinkelburg: and on to of that, i was fat and white in a predominantly latino school
[09:22] Brynna Brinkelburg: so, wonderful time
[09:23] Brynna Brinkelburg: but i stuck through it, had high hopes
[09:23] Brynna Brinkelburg: got to this new school, standards blew me away
i had NO IDEA how to study or ANYTHING, so my first month was tough
my mtoher had kicked her abuse up a notch, and my homeroom teacher
[09:23] Brynna Brinkelburg: oh god, she was the worst
[09:24] Brynna Brinkelburg: she'd constantly do anything to give me shit, she'd tell me i'd never amount to anything, etc
i failed my first semester ever because i turned in a paper 2 minutes late
[09:24] Brynna Brinkelburg: TWO MINUTES
[09:24] Brynna Brinkelburg: so whoopie, i had a shit time but mostly passed everything
[09:25] Brynna Brinkelburg: but you see throughout this year i gained my FIRST IN-PERSON FRIENDS
[09:25] Brynna Brinkelburg: and we made a little group of misfits among misfits
[09:25] Brynna Brinkelburg: then this one fucker, i'll never forget her shiteating face
[09:27] Brynna Brinkelburg: she was the CLASSIC transphobic radfem type, hated everyone that wasn't a cis woman
over the course of the year, unbeknownst to me, she had been like
[09:27] System: Virion Stoneshard is offline.
[09:28] Brynna Brinkelburg: and this sounds made up, but she had been turning the entire group against me
and at the end of the year, summerschool, i sat down next to a friend and she barged in, screeching something about calling the police if i ever get near that person again
[09:28] Brynna Brinkelburg: and then nobody talked to me
[09:28] Brynna Brinkelburg: i didnt know why, but it was the last day
[09:28] Brynna Brinkelburg: so i spent the entire summer thinking
[09:28] Brynna Brinkelburg: 'what in the fuck hust happened"
[09:29] Brynna Brinkelburg: when i went to school the next year
[09:29] Brynna Brinkelburg: i finally got my answer
[09:29] Brynna Brinkelburg: she had spread the rumor, with everyone in the group "confirming" as witnesses
[09:30] Brynna Brinkelburg: that i was some kinda sexual predator, that i was groping people, i still don't know exactly what she said
[09:30] Brynna Brinkelburg: so for the next two years
[09:31] Brynna Brinkelburg: i sat alone in my classes, feeling the disdain everyone INCLUDING many teachers held for me
[09:31] Brynna Brinkelburg: and that inkling of hope i had
[09:31] Brynna Brinkelburg: the first time i felt like i belonged
[09:31] Brynna Brinkelburg: was snuffed out in an instant
[09:31] Brynna Brinkelburg: (it was at this point i started drawing, because i had nothing else to do and would rather not spend my time thinking)
[09:32] Brynna Brinkelburg: so i failed most of my classes junior year
[09:32] Brynna Brinkelburg: started going to a counselor
[09:33] Brynna Brinkelburg: (who i'm 200000000% certain my mother bribed to be on her side i SWEAR)
[09:33] Brynna Brinkelburg: (he never helped with anything
[09:33] Brynna Brinkelburg: and after i was caught looking at suicide statistics, i went to a psych ward
[09:33] Brynna Brinkelburg: where i fucking
[09:33] Brynna Brinkelburg: LIED
[09:33] Brynna Brinkelburg: because there was some part of me
[09:33] Brynna Brinkelburg: that wanted to deny i was ill
[09:34] Brynna Brinkelburg: i couldnt face it, so i said i felt fine
[09:34] Brynna Brinkelburg: i left with pills for some kinda
[09:34] Brynna Brinkelburg: suspected but never confirmed schizoaffective something or other
[09:34] Brynna Brinkelburg: which i later overdosed on and almost died
[09:34] Brynna Brinkelburg: and, by the way
[09:35] Brynna Brinkelburg: the goddamn paramedics made fun of my weight as i was still rigid, as the swelling my tongue was starting to restrict my breathing
[09:35] Brynna Brinkelburg: they decided to POKE FUN AT THE FAT KID
[09:35] Brynna Brinkelburg: REAL
[09:35] Brynna Brinkelburg: FUCKIN
[09:35] Brynna Brinkelburg: NICE
[09:36] Brynna Brinkelburg: CPS got called on my mother, too
[09:36] Brynna Brinkelburg: but guess what
[09:36] Brynna Brinkelburg: they dropped the case because
[09:36] Brynna Brinkelburg: "she's a teacher, she couldn't do something like that"
[09:37] Brynna Brinkelburg: and im obviously lying, like the therapist was told to say
[09:37] Brynna Brinkelburg: i was lying for attentions because im perfectly healthy
[09:39] Brynna Brinkelburg: so now, after being held back a year in my junior year in an online class
[09:39] Brynna Brinkelburg: and then failing 2 classes even then
[09:39] Brynna Brinkelburg: here i am, almost 19 and still in senior year, still failing, and not planning to succeed
[09:40] Brynna Brinkelburg: tried to hang myself twice within the last 2 months
[09:40] Brynna Brinkelburg: and i am mad
[09:40] Brynna Brinkelburg: i am mad at everyone who got me here
[09:40] Brynna Brinkelburg: i am mad at the world
[09:40] Brynna Brinkelburg: i didn't deserve any of this
[09:42] Brynna Brinkelburg: at this point it'd be fucking humane
[09:43] Brynna Brinkelburg: oh yeah
[09:43] Brynna Brinkelburg: and in 2 months, on my birthday
[09:43] Brynna Brinkelburg: that's my deadline to move out
[09:43] Brynna Brinkelburg: i'm going to be on the streets if i dont find somewhere to go