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Mental Breakdown Reviews - yeppeunina Review by enbelle

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Nov 1st, 2014
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  1. <div style="margin-left:100px;">
  2. <div style="margin-right:100px;">
  3. <div style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-size:72px;"><span style="font-family:garamond;"><span style="text-align:justify;line-height:1.6;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><em>Calling for yeppeunina</em></span></span></span></span></div>
  4.  
  5. <div>
  6. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-size:26px;"><span style="font-family:garamond;">&quot;<span style="line-height:21px;background-color:rgb(245,245,245);">Hell Class</span></span></span></span><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-size:26px;"><span style="font-family:garamond;">&quot;</span></span></span></p>
  7.  
  8. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><em><strong><font color="#000000">Author:</font>&nbsp;</strong></em><span style="line-height:22.39px;"><span style="line-height:22.39px;"><a href="http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/597482"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);">yeppeunina</span></a></span></span></span></span></p>
  9.  
  10. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><em><strong>Main Characters:</strong></em>&nbsp;</span></span></span><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:22.3999996185303px;text-align:justify;">Sunmi (OC) and EXO (no specific member yet :DD)</span></p>
  11.  
  12. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><em><strong>Genre:</strong></em>&nbsp;</span></span></span><span style="margin:0px;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:1.6;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;color:rgb(0,0,0);">Angst,&nbsp;</span><span style="margin:0px;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:1.6;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;color:rgb(0,0,0);">Drama,&nbsp;</span><span style="margin:0px;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:1.6;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;color:rgb(0,0,0);">Fantasy/Supernatural,&nbsp;</span><span style="margin:0px;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:1.6;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;color:rgb(0,0,0);">School Life</span></p>
  13.  
  14. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><em><strong>Status:</strong></em>&nbsp;On-going</span></span></span></p>
  15.  
  16. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><strong><em>Description of Story:</em></strong></span></span></span><br />
  17. <span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">I&#39;m Han Sunmi...</span><br style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;" />
  18. <span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">just a normal highschool student in a... not-so-normal school.</span><br style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;" />
  19. <span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">Why?</span><br style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;" />
  20. <span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">My classmates have supernatural powers. Yes.</span><br style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;" />
  21. <span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">I might sound crazy but I saw them do it with my own two eyes. They scared the hell out of me when they used their powers to me. Not just once, not just twice but countless times. I wanted to leave but there&#39;s something stopping me. Like, I need to know everything even it takes a lot of risks.</span><br style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;" />
  22. <span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">I don&#39;t know what they are. But sometimes... I feel like I&#39;m one of them. I feel like I also have supernatural powers hidden inside me. Or am I getting too carried away?</span><br style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;" />
  23. <span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">Well, it all started on that day.</span><br style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;" />
  24. <span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">My first day in &quot;hell class&quot;. &nbsp; &nbsp;</span></p>
  25.  
  26. <div style="text-align:center;"><br />
  27. <br />
  28. &nbsp;
  29. <div style="margin-left:40px;">&nbsp;</div>
  30. </div>
  31.  
  32. <div style="text-align:center;"><img alt="" src="http://www.luckymojo.com/catwalk2.gif" /></div>
  33.  
  34. <div style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-size:48px;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><span style="font-family:garamond;"><em>Critique:</em></span></span></span></div>
  35.  
  36. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="font-size:18px;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><u><em>Story Title:</em><span style="line-height:21px;">&nbsp;<strong>4/5</strong></span></u></span></span></span></p>
  37.  
  38. <p style="text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">There is a direct correlation between the title and the plot. It&rsquo;s not the most unique of the titles and sounds slightly generic. But hey, there is a correlation and that&rsquo;s what mostly matters. But mind you, there are some opportunities to be a little metaphoric and deep with your title based on the type of plot you have. It creates an intensifying effect if the title is metaphoric and deep.</span></p>
  39.  
  40. <p dir="ltr">&nbsp;</p>
  41.  
  42. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="font-size:18px;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><u><em>Graphics:</em><strong>&nbsp;</strong><span style="line-height:21px;"><strong>7/10</strong></span></u></span></span></span></p>
  43.  
  44. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">Your background suits the story well but your poster doesn&rsquo;t convey the &lsquo;Hell Class&rsquo; vibe if you know what I mean. I noticed that your story has two posters because as soon as I clicked on the first chapter, a different poster came to view (but it&rsquo;s not a poster that has been consistently used).</span></span></p>
  45.  
  46. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">Your actual poster for the story is decent but it doesn&rsquo;t suit your story. When we image hell, we think of hot colors such as black, red and orange. Flames, sparks and an uncivilized atmosphere is also present in the typical image of &lsquo;Hell&rsquo;. But your poster shows the complete opposite, it shows a civilized atmosphere and a palette full of earthy, cold colors. In other words, a complete opposite of what &lsquo;Hell&rsquo; is. It doesn&rsquo;t convey the message of the title and your story.</span></span></p>
  47.  
  48. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">I prefer the second poster (in Chapter 1) because that&rsquo;s exactly what the image of hell is. The use of textures, ripped paper stocks and the red-cyan effect used on the renders helped the poster create an uncivilized feel and is more suitable for the story. It would be nicer to consistently use the second poster in my opinion.</span></span></p>
  49.  
  50. <p>&nbsp;</p>
  51.  
  52. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="font-size:18px;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><u><em>Description and Foreword:&nbsp;</em><strong>5/</strong></u><u style="line-height:1.6;"><strong>10</strong></u></span></span></span></p>
  53.  
  54. <div>
  55. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">In all honesty, the description was anti-climatic. You gave away too much information on the front page. And that was the main reason why it was anti-climatic. Sadly, the description didn&rsquo;t excite me. I would omit part where you mention Sunmi&rsquo;s classmates have supernatural powers because she herself doesn&rsquo;t even know until she sees it all in front of her. Like what I mentioned on the title, lots of metaphoric, deep and coded language would be really nice since it fits the vibe of your story; mysterious and supernatural.</span></span></p>
  56.  
  57. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">This is just a rough suggestion but feel free to work from here if you do consider my advice:</span></span></p>
  58.  
  59. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">(Foreword - Original)</span></span><br />
  60. <span style="font-family:'avant garde';color:rgb(0,0,0);">I&#39;m Han Sunmi...</span><br />
  61. <span style="font-family:'avant garde';color:rgb(0,0,0);">just a normal highschool student in a... not-so-normal school.</span><br />
  62. <span style="font-family:'avant garde';color:rgb(0,0,0);">Why?</span><br />
  63. <span style="font-family:'avant garde';color:rgb(0,0,0);">My classmates have supernatural powers. Yes.</span><br />
  64. <span style="font-family:'avant garde';color:rgb(0,0,0);">I might sound crazy but I saw them do it with my own two eyes. They scared the hell out of me when they used their powers to me. Not just once, not just twice but countless times. I wanted to leave but there&#39;s something stopping me. Like, I need to know everything even it takes a lot of risks.</span><br />
  65. <span style="font-family:'avant garde';color:rgb(0,0,0);">I don&#39;t know what they are. But sometimes... I feel like I&#39;m one of them. I feel like I also have supernatural powers hidden inside me. Or am I getting too carried away?</span><br />
  66. <span style="font-family:'avant garde';color:rgb(0,0,0);">Well, it all started on that day.</span><br />
  67. <span style="font-family:'avant garde';color:rgb(0,0,0);">My first day in &quot;hell class&quot;. &nbsp; &nbsp;</span></p>
  68.  
  69. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">(Edited)</span></span><br />
  70. <span style="font-family:'avant garde';color:rgb(0,0,0);">Two steps in to my new class and I could already feel the dark miasma clinging to me, suffocating me. I could see it with my own two eyes. I could sense it. The boys all have the gaze of a hungry wolf, ready to devour me like their prey. The girls had softer gazes but I knew this wasn&rsquo;t the case. They were ready to cast me into a spell. My knees trembled, heart beating faster by the second and breaths turning into silent pants. Paranoia started to creep inside me, turning on the sirens inside my head. As much as I feel like this place ring warning bells inside of me, why do I feel a sense of belonging here?</span><br />
  71. <span style="font-family:'avant garde';color:rgb(0,0,0);">I&rsquo;m Han Sunmi and this is my first day in &ldquo;Hell Class&rdquo;.</span></p>
  72.  
  73. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">The changes I made are straightforward. I gave away less information and focused the descriptions more on Sunmi. I tried to cut out the information that blatantly correlates to their &lsquo;supernaturalness&rsquo;&hellip; if you know what I mean. Foreshadowing their supernatural abilities would create suspense and mysterious feel. The last thing you&rsquo;d ever want to do when writing a description is summing up your whole plot.</span></span></p>
  74.  
  75. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">The small excerpt in the foreword is not necessarily needed since this also aids in giving away the plot, ruining the surprise. I would either make the excerpt smaller to just three sentences or remove it all together.</span></span></p>
  76.  
  77. <p style="text-align:justify;">&nbsp;</p>
  78. </div>
  79.  
  80. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="font-size:18px;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><u><em style="line-height:1.6;">Characterization:&nbsp;</em><span style="line-height:21px;"><strong>5/10</strong></span></u></span></span></span></p>
  81.  
  82. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">First two chapters are okay. Sunmi&rsquo;s character is explained decently fine and Kai is explained well enough too (even though he is a minor character). But the rest of the characters are just thrown straight to the reader. Majority of the minor characters lacked description and are only written to push the story forward without any clear description of who they are other than the fact they are Eunmi&rsquo;s Classmates.</span></span></p>
  83.  
  84. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">Yes, majority of your readers are there for EXO since they are in your tags. But don&rsquo;t assume everyone knows what their powers are and such. I&rsquo;m guessing you have assumed, therefore bypassing the introduction stage. This not only speeds up the pace of your story, but creates confusion too. At least implement a short description of them in the story. It will be easier for the readers to understand the story fully and remember the characters. Because honestly, I see names like Krystal, Amber and Chorong but I don&rsquo;t remember what their ability is.</span></span></p>
  85.  
  86. <p>&nbsp;</p>
  87.  
  88. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="font-size:18px;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><u><em>Plot:</em><strong><em>&nbsp;</em>33/40</strong></u></span></span></span></p>
  89.  
  90. <p style="text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">Sweeping aside all the other factors and focusing completely on your plot, I think it&rsquo;s decent plot. The basis of this plot - a human entering a class with EXO in it who has supernatural powers - is not unique in the slightest and there are hundreds more of these. I&rsquo;ve read this type of plot more times than I can count with my two hands, to be honest. But the way you branched out the plot made the story more distinctive and unique. There&rsquo;s a lot of potential that can be done with this plot. With this type of plot, you can create a deep and memorable type of story that could fill the reader with joy or make them cry buckets.</span></p>
  91.  
  92. <p dir="ltr" style="text-align:justify;">&nbsp;</p>
  93.  
  94. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="font-size:18px;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><u><em>Consistency:&nbsp;</em><strong>2/5</strong></u></span></span></span></p>
  95.  
  96. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">Too fast and rushed at some points. That&rsquo;s all I could say. It&rsquo;s hard to remember everything that has happened so far because of the fact you&rsquo;re speeding through the story. And it doesn&rsquo;t help that some scenes lack description. This section correlates with what I said in Characterization. Certain scenes in your chapters lack development and reasoning but then you move on to the next stage of the plot. It&rsquo;s nice to be eager to make progress in your story but you mustn&rsquo;t make shortcuts here. You must be meticulous with describing each scene in your story so that you can compensate for the speed your story is going. But right now, it&rsquo;s hard to understand your story because of the lack of development and speed. Slow down a little and take time to develop future scenes in your story before continuing to the next stage.</span></p>
  97.  
  98. <p style="text-align:justify;">&nbsp;</p>
  99.  
  100. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="font-size:18px;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><u><em>Readers&#39; Response:</em>&nbsp;<strong>5/5</strong></u></span></span></span></p>
  101.  
  102. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">Everyone loves your story based on the comments! They&rsquo;re eager to see another chapter every time you update. I think you should update more frequently to keep their interests at a high since your last update was roughly more than a month ago.</span></p>
  103.  
  104. <p style="text-align:justify;">&nbsp;</p>
  105.  
  106. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="font-size:18px;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><u><em>Grammar and writing style:</em><strong>&nbsp;5/10</strong></u></span></span></span></p>
  107.  
  108. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">Before I go any further, I guarantee you that you will extremely benefit from a beta-reader. From seeing your writing, I could see you&rsquo;re not confident in some aspects of the English Grammar. To gain some learning experience and see where you go wrong in a deeper detail, I suggest getting a beta reader from our shop. We have lots available!</span></span></p>
  109.  
  110. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">Overall, there seems to be a playing around with points of view. Me personally, I consider this an inconsistency. If you look at published novels and fan fiction that are written with an extensive knowledge of grammar and confidence, they all stick to one point of view throughout the story.</span></span></p>
  111.  
  112. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">First Person gives us a deep insight of how the person feels as we are reading the story in her shoes. The story is usually also altered to the person&rsquo;s perception of the situation, giving us one perspective to the situation. A con to using this point of view is that it imprisons you to progressing just that character and it&rsquo;s harder to develop the rest of the characters. Hence when writers use this point of view, they swap the subject.</span></span></p>
  113.  
  114. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">Third Person gives us a bird&rsquo;s eye view of the situation. Feelings of a character are not deeply discussed here as third person benefits progression of the story more since you can see every perspective. But there are chances to discuss a character&rsquo;s feelings using third person. It just doesn&rsquo;t create as much of an intimate connection to the reader compared to first person.</span></span></p>
  115.  
  116. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">What should you be using then? In your case, I think sticking to Third Person is the best for you. You have lots of characters involved and Sunmi is not there all the time to cover their feelings. You can express a character&rsquo;s feelings based on their face expression and thought. It is still possible to show how a person feels in your story through third person. It just feels less intimate.</span></span></p>
  117.  
  118. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">One of the most consistent mistakes you made throughout is tenses. There is a tendency to jump from present to past. In some cases, it&rsquo;s okay to jump between the tenses and we all do it instinctively unless you&rsquo;re extremely conscious. But the ones I&rsquo;ll mention in my opinion are errors:</span></span></p>
  119.  
  120. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">(Chapter 1 - Original) My knees were trembling&hellip; and just before I can introduce myself,<br />
  121. (Edited) My knees were trembling from the thick, mysterious aura grappling me. Just before I could introduce myself,</span></span></p>
  122.  
  123. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">Splitting the original sentence to two sentences is a less awkward option since you have also used the Ellipsis incorrectly here. &lsquo;Were&rsquo; is past tense and &lsquo;can&rsquo; is present. They oppose each other. Turning the can to &lsquo;could&rsquo; is more logical.</span></span></p>
  124.  
  125. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">(Chapter 1 - Original) How did he sat there? Where did he came from? He can&rsquo;t jump through the window, right?<br />
  126. (Edited) How did he get there? Where did he come from? He couldn&rsquo;t have jumped through the window, right?</span></span></p>
  127.  
  128. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">I edited this more based on fluidity. When reading the original, it sounds disruptive in the head. And since this is a thought made in Sunmi&rsquo;s head, it makes more sense to turn this into present tense since it&rsquo;s a thought process that is made right in the moment.</span></span></p>
  129.  
  130. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">You have some awkward sentences here and there that didn&rsquo;t make sense. This is a slightly consistent mistake and you should be aware.</span></span></p>
  131.  
  132. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">(Chapter 1 - Original) &ldquo;There&rsquo;s only one vacant chair, so, Sunmi you can sit there.&rdquo; She pointed at the sit.<br />
  133. (Edited) &ldquo;There&rsquo;s only one vacant chair. So you can sit there, Sunmi,&rdquo; She pointed at the seat.</span></span></p>
  134.  
  135. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">The &lsquo;so&rsquo; and the two commas that surround it are awkward and don&rsquo;t belong there. Sit is a verb, not a noun.</span></span></p>
  136.  
  137. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">(Chapter 3 - Original) They all looked confused. Either I is confused.<br />
  138. (Edited) They all looked confused. Even I was confused, mirroring their expressions.</span></span></p>
  139.  
  140. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">The second sentence is the error. &lsquo;Either&rsquo; is used when there are two subjects visible. But the only subject in that sentence is Sunmi. &lsquo;Looked&rsquo; is past tense vs &lsquo;is&rsquo; is present. It&rsquo;s more logical to turn &lsquo;is&rsquo; to past tense.</span></span></p>
  141.  
  142. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">(Chapter 4 - Original) But what if, I&rsquo;m just the one thinking about that?<br />
  143. (Edited) But what if it was just me who conjured that response?</span></span></p>
  144.  
  145. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">I think the main reason why this sentence is awkward and ends up not making sense is because there&rsquo;s not much words to describe the situation at that point. The best word I could think of is &lsquo;Conjure&rsquo; which means &lsquo;call (an image) to the mind&rsquo;.</span></span></p>
  146.  
  147. <p style="margin:0px 0px 1.5em;padding:0px;border:0px;font-family:Ubuntu, 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans', Verdana, 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;vertical-align:baseline;text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">The rest of the mistakes are minor and only pop up out of the blue. I suggest either getting a beta-reader or giving your story a thorough sift through, looking for potential errors.</span></span></p>
  148.  
  149. <p style="text-align:justify;">&nbsp;</p>
  150.  
  151. <div style="text-align:center;">
  152. <p><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="font-size:18px;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><u><em style="line-height:1.6;">Over-all enjoyment:&nbsp;</em></u></span></span><span style="font-size:18px;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><u><span style="line-height:21px;"><strong>4/5</strong></span></u></span></span></span></p>
  153. </div>
  154.  
  155. <p dir="ltr" style="text-align:justify;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">I actually like reading supernatural fics. And the fact you added a Tao scene in there with Kris made me happy. Like really, really happy. I enjoyed reading it and I would have enjoyed it more if I wasn&rsquo;t so conscious about looking for errors. But there are some distracting errors and confusions. Funny enough, I like confusing things because it gets me thinking&hellip; *sob*.</span></p>
  156.  
  157. <p dir="ltr" style="text-align:justify;">&nbsp;</p>
  158.  
  159. <p dir="ltr" style="text-align:justify;">&nbsp;</p>
  160.  
  161. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="font-size:20px;"><strong>Total Score: <span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><span style="font-size:28px;">70/100</span></span></strong></span></span></p>
  162.  
  163. <p style="text-align:center;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="font-size:14px;">Story Link:&nbsp;<a href="http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/693682/hell-class-apink-fantasy-supernatural-you-school-exo-origialcharacter"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);">Click here.</span></a><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;Requested by:&nbsp;</span></span><a href="http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/597482" style="font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:22.3899993896484px;text-align:center;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);">yeppeunina</span></a><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</span>&nbsp; &nbsp;Reviewed by:&nbsp;</span><a href="https://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/46887"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">enbelle</span></span></a></span><br />
  164. <img alt="" src="http://i280.photobucket.com/albums/kk188/anemoessa/Dividers/catwalking.gif" style="width:480px;height:65px;" /></p>
  165.  
  166. <p>&nbsp;</p>
  167.  
  168. <div style="text-align:center;"><span style="color:rgb(0,128,128);"><em><span style="font-size:36px;"><span style="font-family:garamond;"><span style="line-height:25.6px;">Reviewer&#39;s Note:</span></span></span></em></span></div>
  169.  
  170. <div>
  171. <p dir="ltr" style="text-align:center;"><span style="color:#696969;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:21px;text-align:justify;">I&rsquo;m sorry if I was a little too harsh here. But I wouldn&rsquo;t exactly want to sugar coat my words either. I did try to be as reasonable as I can in the review so I hope that came through. Do continue updating your story though! It has lots of potential :)</span><br />
  172. <span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';">Don&#39;t forget to credit the shop! Thank you for requesting!</span></span></span><br />
  173. <span style="line-height:1.6;color:rgb(105,105,105);"><span style="font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;line-height:1.6;"><strong>P.S.&nbsp;</strong></span></span><strong style="font-family:'avant garde';font-size:14px;color:rgb(105,105,105);line-height:1.6;"><span style="line-height:22.39px;"><em>UPVOTING</em>&nbsp;is 100% loved!!!</span></strong><br />
  174. <img alt="" src="http://i.imgur.com/X5z6oHn.gif" style="color:rgb(105,105,105);width:375px;height:136px;line-height:19.2px;font-family:georgia;font-size:12px;" /></p>
  175. </div>
  176. </div>
  177. </div>
  178. </div>
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