YOU'RE MAH FAVORITE DEPUTY

Line 10

	>we graduated and both decided on attending the same university, which didn't come as much of a shock when she told me she wanted to attend the same school as me

	restating the same thing twice. maybe you just meant to say that "it came as no shock" and leave it at that

	>propsed

	proposed

	>I honestly thought she would have said something along the lines of not being ready for such a thing, but I was certainly proven wrong.

	and now it appears that you're saying the same thing a third time. I don't know if you know this, but those in crispychat who have read your stories say that the stories are too wordy with the exception of some suzu one, and I'm starting to agree.

Line 12

	>thinking of

	underwhelming verb usage. try "brainstorming" or something

	>possible

	I know I'm getting really nitpicky, but if you improve your verb usage in a sentence, you can knock out unnecessary adjectives as well. I remember watching thanatos come to this realization while he was still building up his reputation as a superstar porn writer. and this is an excellent example of that scenario. come up with a better verb; remove the word "possibly". two birds with one stone

Line 14

	>so that

	I don't know why, but I really think that this should be "with hopes that". I guess it just makes him sound like a robot the way it is now

	>While the water is preparing on the stove,

	alright, whenever you're overdoing the words and saying things that I don't believe need to be there, I'll just say Buckley, alright? Buckley

	>As these two beverages continue being readied,

	Buckley

Line 16

	>slowly creaks

	the word "creaks" accomplishes that image already

	>brightly in contrast the pale morning outside

	while this wasn't as bad because of the "contrast" bit giving "brightly" more meaning, adverbs are still something you want to use sparingly, and there are probably better ways you could have written that

Line 17

	>She seems surprised at me making

	this read awkwardly unless you make sure to put emphasis on the words "me" and "her", and even then it would be more consistent if you said "having made" instead of "making"

Line 19

	>No longer does she stumble over every single word she speaks, but only a couple here and there.

	Buckley. Also, I think a reaction from Hisao would have eased the transition into the thoughts he's having immediately after

Line 21

	>during the motion

	Buckley

	>She doesn't drape her hair to cover up her scars anymore when she's around me, always making sure that every bit of her face is exposed to me at all times.

	The part immediately before this was nice and heartwarming, but then you kinda explained the joke. I'm gonna call Buckley on this

	>postion

	position

	>as I poured the water

	Buckley and tense disparities. Ouch

Line 23

	>WE sit while sipping at MY coffee

	I'm certain this isn't what happened, and I'm certain you can come up with a way to fix this

	>I read the local news that is presented before me in the newspaper.

	Normally I'd advocate having sentence variety instead of everything being compound, but this just breaks the flow and doesn't feel like it belongs in its current iteration

	>that she had recently purchased at the campus bookstore

	Buckley

Line 25

	>Within a short period of time

	Buckley. Just say "shortly" or "quickly" or "at a moment's notice" or "in the blink of an eye". yes I know that last one has the same number of words, but it doesn't sound as mechanical or boring

	>before wrapping her in a hug from behind. This catches her off guard

The first sentence gives the impression that the action has already been completed, but the second repeals that and gives a description of what happens shortly after the act begins

	>in between "room." and "I laugh"

	a description of Hanako's face or her reaction after the kneejerk almost-throwing-of-the-plate would make her seem a lot more involved here, instead of almost not even present. For example, "She gives me an embarassed smile and I laugh"

Line 27

	>wrapping

	I'm probably the only one in the world who cares about this, but I think you've been using that word too much

Line 31

	>Hana

	I don't like when people do this. If you're going to insist on people using pet names, which I am actually okay with, make them viable names for the setting, like Hana-chan

	>go head

	I don't know why you thought you needed both of these words instead of just one

	>She obviously approves of this idea

	I think that it would be better to say "It's made clear that she approve of this idea", since I think it sounds better, but I can't explain why

Line 33

	>some of the draw

	does this mean "allure" or "attraction" or something? If so, "some of the draw" isn't the best way to convey that, unless it's an idiom I'm not familiar with

Line 36

	>I know that may sound stupid

	Buckley

	>I shiver a bit as we step out into the crisp air.

	Buckley. Consider combining this with how the first thing he notices is the cold.

	>with a string

	Buckley. The manner of dragging a sled doesn't need to be explained

	>the hill that's close by

	"the nearest hill" would be much more succint, I think

	>something that I haven't ever seen from her

	Uhh, what? Also possible Buckley unless you make this important

Line 38

	>surprisngly

	surprisingly

	>and residential areas

	is a town not a residential area?

	>topped off, on top

	Seriously?

	>flying at a high speed

	if they're flying, I think a high speed is guaranteed. Note that I do not object to use of the word "flying", just the unnecessary descriptions after it

	>large amounts

	sounds too mechanical/disinterested

	>plummet down the hill

	Buckley

Line 40

	>holding on after I'm standing and grabbing the sled for another round

	I think that what you're trying to say is that she did not let go of his hand, even as they prepared for another round. But it wasn't very clear to me the first time around here, and probably not to others either

Lines 42, 44

	oh my god tenses. I'll have to try and decipher what you meant by all this

Line 42

	>though

	thought

	>for the lower body

	Buckley

	>manged

	managed

Line 46

	>to create a nose

	Maybe the best example of Buckley I've seen so far. This part just reads flawlessly without it present, and terribly with it present.

	>he jacket

	the jacket

Line 48

	>long sleeved

	Buckley.

Line 54

	>not bothering to go back to retrieve the scarf and coat that we left behind.

	Why? Is this a master of romance thing where he's just gonna fucking freeze, or is it symbolic of how her existence is unhealthy to him, or is it symbolic with how he is at peace with the world and just doesn't give a fuck? I think the latter is the most romantic, but making him behave stupidly to get the point across isn't the best idea

Line 56

	>quickly twice in the same sentence

	seriously?

	>go sit

	just "sit" would be more appropriate

Exeunt.