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By: a guest on May 1st, 2012  |  syntax: None  |  size: 4.78 KB  |  hits: 16  |  expires: Never
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  1. (23:16:24) angela: Hey you. :)
  2. (23:18:46) Benny: sorry, i was getting something to eat
  3. (23:18:52) Benny: Hi
  4. (23:19:18) angela: It's okay. How are you? How did things go?
  5. (23:19:52) Benny: loong story. first, how are you doing? did you have a nice sleep
  6. (23:21:50) angela: I'm good! I'm watching a movie right now about to cook supper.
  7. (23:23:02) Benny: hm okay.
  8. (23:23:12) Benny: so should i tell you or will i disturb you?
  9. (23:23:31) angela: No, I want to know what happened.
  10. (23:23:43) Benny: Alright.
  11. (23:24:00) Benny: So i got flowers for her in the morning. School started quite late, at half past eleven
  12. (23:24:47) Benny: In a building next to our school are rooms were a part of the students live
  13. (23:24:51) Benny: i dont know waht the actual word is
  14. (23:24:59) Benny: a few of the people of my class live there too.
  15. (23:25:40) Benny: So i visitied some guy i am befriend with first, to have a short talk and to think about what to say when i give her the flowers etc.
  16. (23:27:23) Benny: Then i went upstairs to knock at her door, but she was already on the hallway. The flowers were in my bag (rucksack) at the moment. I couldnt give them to her at that moment, i felt too unsure. She was about to pick up another classmate and she invited me to follow her. So we went one more stairs up and we spent about 15 minutes in his room. Alessandra made some homework in the last minute, my classmate did this and that and i was silent and leaned against the wall
  17. (23:28:53) Benny: And at that point the full depression striked. I was feeling like she didnt give a flying fuck about me (sorry for the language) and i was filled up with hopelessness. I know you will be angry about me when i say that, but there are scratches on my arm again. So i stayed silent, only talked when i was asked and felt hopeless and filled with unbearable pain.
  18. (23:29:24) Benny: After this, spanish class started. We walked over there. After about 30 minutes inside of the class, i wrote Alessandra a note saying... let me think
  19. (23:30:30) Benny: "When i look at you the whole world around as falls to pieces and i realize that it has only been the frame for you. Getting lost in the Night of your eyes (she has dark blue eyes) is a great feeling. So i somehow thought i was in your debt, so i brought you some flowers."
  20. (23:30:57) Benny: I gave that note to a friend of mine who was supposed to give it to her as soon as hes able to
  21. (23:31:43) Benny: As i just couldnt deal with the situation and the mood i was in, i just had to leave. I collected my stuff and left the classroom half running. I put the flowers in front of Alessandra's door.
  22. (23:32:06) Benny: Then i went home, that was when i wrote to you earlier.
  23. (23:32:55) Benny: A few hours later we chatted over msn and we both had the opinion that we really need to talk about things. So i drove off to school to visit her
  24. (23:34:03) Benny: She told me that it has always felt right for her when being with me, but she has not reached that point were she can let herself 'fall' into a relationship with me. She asked how i could admire something else, if i cant even accept myself and apologized for everything.
  25. (23:34:30) Benny: She said that she really really likes me and that she does care about me.
  26. (23:34:51) Benny: She told me that i should start to accept myself, to respect my own opinion.
  27. (23:35:38) Benny: During that talk she literally cracked me up. She said that she sometimes didnt really knew what was up with me as i dont talk often about it.
  28. (23:36:14) Benny: I have problems doing to so because i have been feeling bad for so long and because always i have been the one who complains, so eventually it makes you feel stupid.
  29. (23:36:53) Benny: She responded that this doesnt get me anywhere and that i need to fight for myself and she repeated a few times that i just shouldnt let go of myself
  30. (23:38:12) Benny: She also saw the scratches on my arm and told me how stupid that is. She asked me why i even did this. What the actual reason was, what i think in such situation, and what i think hurting myself will get me (thats where she cracked me up). I honestly couldnt really give her an answer. I guess i am just filled with hopelessness.
  31. (23:39:11) Benny: I said that, and that it sometimes seems just so hard for me to keep on fighting. She took my hand and said, It is worth it, Honestly! Keep on! It is worth it! (I did lose some tears talking about this as she can really look inside of me)
  32. (23:40:07) Benny: So, however, i am not 100% if it is just the spark that is missing that keeps her from a relationship or if my behaviour in concerns of accepting myself disturbs her.
  33. (23:40:29) Benny: Thats been it so far, i guess. Everything's still floating around in my head, so im not sure if i havent left out something
  34. (23:41:41) angela: That is a lot to take in.
  35. (23:41:56) Benny: Indeed.
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