a letter to myself

and then that's end, isn't it? a whole life spent hurtling out of control, and when you fall, when you jump, i wish you would float gently like a piece of paper and land on your feet. that's the landing you deserve, not the broken splattered cranium pavement mess of twisted bone and blood. not the ending you chose, the closed casket, the dozen memorial facebook posts but in the end only a few people will really remember you. they hardly even remember you right now. so consider how final this is. consider that you will never get to turn back, not ever no not once you've stepped off the balcony and into the stinging winter wind it will not pick you up and place you on your feet again and smooth out your shirt. it will let you fall. this is it for you. are you ready for that? you will trade the quiet storm in your head for real silence. a permanent silence. write whatever you want because no one will remember your writing style, the way you lived the way you dressed the way you touched the birthmark between her breasts and told her you will always love her and then hahaha wasn't that funny the way you cut and ran just two months later? it doesn't matter because nobody will remember that except for a few people, the few that still seem like they care and when they do remember it will hurt like nothing else has every hurt. and you would do that to them, you would do that to all of them a hundred times just to get away from yourself and get away from the thoughts in your head. that's what you're ready to do, not speak from the heart but speak from deep in the back of your mind where the evil little thought live and you're ready to let them take over, for once, they've been clamoring to have a go and it doesn't matter anymore what anybody thinks of you so write whatever the fuck you want here.

write what you actually want to say. what do you want to say? you want to say that you're sorry, for everything, sorry to everybody. you wish you had a better grasp on how to communicate the way you felt but right now you're just a little too much in your own head to say. so maybe sorry is the best thing to say. sorry for what i've done, and for what i'm about to do. i love all of you but it's time for me to go.