Untitled

this was back in the 90s so i figure it's okay to talk about now

>me, 17, blonde, slim, could probably pass as a trap but never really got into that
>live with father and stepmother
>mother passed of cancer young, do not remember
>father ends up marrying hambeast
>have no idea why, mother was slim, maybe desparate?
>hambeast has her own hambeast from previous marriage, who is 14
>both total shits to me and my sister
>only blood relative, sister, 12, blonde same as me
>father rather uncaring to both of us after losing mother, happy to shower gifts on stepmother and stepsister
>given autonomy since no one really wanted/cared for me around
>only worry is for sister, try to spend as much time at home as possible
>we do homework together after school, she spends a lot of time in my room since it's really nearly the only safe place in the house
>she would finish hers first since well, 12 years old and i had fucking alegebra shit to do, would hang out and read in my room from my bookshelf
>nothing advanced, regular sci-fi things like tess gerritsen and recently alistair reynolds, which is really complicated shit sometimes. kinda leaves me impressed.
>she points out words she doesn't understand so i explain and she goes back to reading until
>hear one of the hambeasts yell "WHERE'S ANON" - stepmother
>both of us ignore her, as we have learned to do
>ANOOOOOONNNNN
>ignore
>hear thuds up the stairs as hambeast starts up stairs, sister jerks up and crawls on all fours quickly to sit next to me and pretend to read at this point
>laugh to myself then lean down to sister "she's panting"
>she covers her mouth to hold back her laugh as the door vibrates in three hits
>"I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE"
>silent
>"OPEN THE DOOR"
>"nobody in here but us crickets" my sister has to slap her other hand over her face to keep from laughing
>have those types of doors that lock, but have a hole on the other side that a paperclip can unlock. i've taped over it multiple times but she just doesn't get the hint
>door swings open and both of us have our best poker faces on
>"WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU ANSWER ME WHY THE FUCK WAS THIS DOOR LOCKED I TOLD YOU TO FUCKING TAKE OUT THE TRASH AN HOUR.."
>clap hands over sister's ears "WHOA WHOA shut up, jesus! stop cursing"
>"SHE'S FUCKIN HEARD IT ALREADY WHO GIVES A FUCK, I TOLD YOU TO GET THE GOD DAMNED TRASH.."
>lift one hand and whisper "cover your ears." to her
>she does
>stand up and walk over to stepmother, mad as hell, she knows i won't do anything so she keeps ranting.
>stand there as she rants at me, the trash, school, a job, college, burdening my father, any excuse to be mad at me
>hands behind back, clenched, know that i could knock the ever loving shit out of this woman
>show tremendous self control, would win trophy for it
>she's about done, rounding back to her original argument "GO DOWN, GET THE FUCKING TRASH, AND TAKE IT OUT"
>just nod, she looks at me for another 30 seconds like this fat fuck is intimidating me, then turns and waddles her fat ass out
>go to close the door as her jiggly arm hits it and makes a dent in my closet behind the door with the knob "AND KEEP THIS OPEN" before walking off again
>look at sister, who was reading all this time with her hands over her ears
>what the fuck am i gonna do when i go to college


>uneventful for a week or two, things are normal
>school, work, home, homework with sister, hang out, go to bed
>antisocial as fuck
>school, work, STORE
>get an laptop, since family computer is public obviously, and I WANT TO LOOK AT PORN, would help with school (excuse), whatever
>bring it home, play with it a bit, sister is ECSTATIC, watches me play with it
>browse the internet with netzero (fuck you it was free and broadband wasn't around yet)
>look up news, pictures, different things. youtube wasn't around yet and dialup so no video, sister loving it
>hand laptop off to sister since i have to to homework
>she searches all sorts of shit about the books she's read and pictures of cats or whatever i don't really notice
>young hambeast pants up the stairs around bedtime
>opens door without knocking (i forgot to lock it)
>"MOM SAYS IT'S BEDTIME wait what the hell is that?"
>looking at laptop
>"that's my laptop. i bought it for school and eventually college."
>hambeast eyes wide "i wanna play with it!"
>shake head "no, it's strictly for school and work type stuff"
>"THEN WHY IS SHE ON IT"
>"she's reading about a book she read."
>"THAT'S NOT FAIR, I WANT TO SEE IT TOO. MOOOOOOOM!"
>hear a vague "WHAT" from downstairs
>"ANON GOT A LAPTOP AND ISN'T SHARING"
>"ANON, SHARE THE LAPTOP WITH YOUR SISTER" i sort of laugh at this, as i am, just not with my fake ass fat ass sister, don't say anything
>fatlard stepsister takes a step in the room. i point at her. "no, don't come in here, i've told you before."
>stepsister hesitates for a moment, then gets all uppity. "NO, MOM SAID YOU HAD TO SHARE, SO I WANT TO SEE."
>real sister tugs the laptop back a bit on the floor towards my bed
>i leap up and stand between the two, looking down at fatass "i told you, no, get out of my room"
>stepsister hesitates again, looking from me to my sister to the laptop, weighing options
>screws her face up in a frown and turns, walking out of my room and slamming the door behind her
>breathe
>look back at sister who has literally put half of her body under my bed with the rest and the laptop sticking out
>"okay?"
>"okay."
>"sure?"
>"sure."
>that's how we get past it, those two words, just simple stuff.

>hambeast stepmother up the stairs
>bangs on the door
>sister wiggles more under my bed, still out with the laptop though
>open door "WHY THE FUCK IS (FATASSSTEPSISTER) CRYING DOWNSTAIRS, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHARE THE LAPTOP"
>"it's my laptop, not hers"
>"SO WHY DO YOU LET (SISTER) ON IT"
>"because i like (sister) and i don't like (fatassstepsister)"
>taken aback a bit by that, then squints at me, pointing a sausage finger at me, talking low even though i know my sister could probably hear
>"you listen to me you little shit, one more fucking year and you're out of here. your father has enough for one year of college"
>tfw you have enough saved for the rest and know she probably spent the rest on her own fat ass
>"and the moment you turn 18 you're out on your fucking ass, you hear me?"
>tfw halfway through the conversation you're already closing the door
>"YOU FUCKING HEAR ME" door closed, locked, apparently she forgot to bring her paperclip to unlock the door
>thumpthumpthump as she goes back downstairs
>look at sister, who has learned to tune all of it out, breathe
>walk back over and sit cross-legged next to bed, leaning over the laptop "whatcha lookin at?"
>"geocities. apparently you can make your own websites and stuff, but all of these are pretty terrible."
>i laugh and nod "yeah they are"
>spend the rest of the night (for her anyway) looking at terrible websites

>dad finally yells "(SISTER) TIME TO GO TO BED"
>see her visibly tense up
>make the "shh" motion with my finger and lips to her and walk to my door
>"dad, quiet, she's passed out in here"
>"fine, so long as she's asleep" and he's gone
>close the door, lock it again, turn back and hold my arms out wide like i'm the next savior of the world
>"guess who doesn't have to sleep with fatass tonight?" sister shared a room with hambeast jr. normally
>"REALLY" at this point she jerks up under my bed and hits her head on the frame, which causes me to fucking laugh my god damned tits off while she punches my side while rubbing her head
>"that really hurt" i look through her hair and yep there's a bit of a lump. i rub it, a bit too hard and she punches me again
>"alright, hang on, we should go to bed anyway." rummage and get t-shirt, boxers. toss them to her and point to the closet. "go change"
>she does, i do, i only really wear boxers in bed so it's not a big deal, she gets in next to me and pulls the covers up
>out of nowhere she leans up and places a big, long kiss right on my lips, wrapping her arms around my neck and leaning back
>"thank you for always being around, and defending me, and stuff"
>blink and look down at her
>"why wouldn't i? you're my sister. those fuckers.. sorry.. those two aren't."
>she giggles at the curse and rests her head on my shoulder "still. i'm glad you're here. for now, anyway."
>what joy i felt now sinks knowing i'm leaving for college
>"listen. i'll never be away from you. i don't care where i go, what i do, you will always be able to come to me, you understand?"
>she nods a little, i tilt her chin up.
>"do you understand me, Em?"
>nothing
>"Em, did you hear me?"
>she leans back and grabs my neck hard, pressing her mouth to mine, sliding her tongue in my mouth, even tilting her head to make the kiss deep
>push her back, but she's insistent, and finally tug her arms from around my neck and lean back
>"Em! what the fuck!"
>completely forget about the whole cursing thing, looking at my sheepish sister next to me
>no talking for minutes
>"you're.. the only boy i know. i mean i was looking at things on your laptop when you were arguing with her" (hambeast sr.)
>admittedly that's half of why i bought the damn laptop, spank material
>"em, you know we can't, don't you? i mean we're.. brother and sister."
>the look she has breaks my god damned heart
>"you're the only one that cares about me"

>close eyes and fight the feels
>hug her tight and kiss her forehead "em, please don't think like that. you know dad loves you."
>"not as much as you."
>FUUUUUUUUCK
>"that's not true"
>"yes it is"
>back and forth, i can't really say no because in my heart i know it's true
>relent "yes, em, alright. i love you more than dad does."
>feel her tighten her arms around me and god dammit, yes, my dick did respond. not much, but enough that i shift my hips back a bit - girl smell can go a long way to make a body respond
>"don't leave. you're leaving soon, right?"
>"a year, probably. i don't know where i'm going but it's more than a year away, em."
>"what about me?"
>hnnng
>"i'll be nearby, i'll apply to colleges that are nearby, and i'll visit whenever i can. okay? and listen, you've learned from me how to deal with hambeast and hambeast sr haven't you? you'll"
>"it's not enough!" she's nearly breaking my back how hard she's holding onto me "you know you're the reason they don't fu.. mess with me."
>kinda want to explore the cursing thing she was about to do, but that's secondary
>"i can't take you with me, em."
>her grip relaxes
>sort of resigned
>"i know."
>"though i'd love to. imagine a freshman in a dorm room with his 13 year old sister"
>gets a laugh, on the right track
>kiss her forehead again, rest my cheek against it
>"i will always be here for you, em, i'll come running, you know that, right?"
>she nods, yawns, she's had enough apparently
>"i love you, em."
>"i love you too." and her arms tighten again
>falls asleep
>sigh, stay up another 30 minutes working things out, zero conclusion
>pass out

>tired, constricted
>work my eyes open enough to see my sister gripping me like i was the cure for fucking aids
>"em, em wake up."
>doesn't, squeezes harder
>not unpleasant, but god dammit i have a fucking boner from waking up and i do not need to present this to my sister
>arms near shoulderblades, can't disengage
>"em, wake up. it's time to get up."
>"nooooooooooooo."
>wraps her leg around me, boner now poking right at her fucking stomach
>are you kidding me
>"em, really, it's time to g"
>leg tightens around me, boner now poking up between us
>ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS
>enough is enough "em, em." raise voice. "EM."
>she wakes almost pissed "what, what?"

>"time to wake up"
>she looks up at the window and squints. "what time is it"
>i don't even know, like 10? fuck it, 10 it is
>"come on, em, wake up.. we need to get dressed. i'm late already."
>hugs again, not knowing boner, thank gods it goes between her legs and not against her
>"noooooo, i wanna sleep more."
>weigh options
>stay, hope boner goes away, sleep more. get up, have to face day of being late and her being late..
>absolute 50/50

>decide on lazy 50
>"alright. alright i'll call us in sick, i don't wanna do this either."
>reach over for phone, grab it, ask number, tell sister sick to administration, etc.
>do the same for my own school, toss the phone to the floor
>"got your way, didn't you? you little sneak"
>she giggles and squirms a bit against me and pauses
>oh fuck
>my dick hit her thigh, didn't it, god dammit, it did, didn't it
>she pushes back from me a bit and looks down under the covers like she can actually see anything
>"what was that?"
>FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
>FUCK
>wearing boxers
>no explaining this one away
>"what was what?"
>"i know what that was. i know exactly what that was."
>she rolls over and grabs the laptop from the floor, and i am fucking sweating bullets
>"nah, it wasn't anything, it was my knee, when i threw the phone."

>the god damned girl looks at me like i'm the biggest pile of shit she has ever seen
>she's laying on her side, the laptop on its side, dialing up to the piece of shit netzero
>"i saw this earlier. except they weren't clothed like.." she looks back at me, then down at the covers again like she could see - god, the embarrassment shrinks me a bit "like this"
>stop this, stop this now. stop it now, STOP IT NOW. i reach over and close the laptop, looking down at her as she looks up at me "what the f.. hell!"
>"Em, it was my knee. that's all it was." she twist and started to grab down near my crotch "no it wasn't! i know exactly what it was, i saw it!"
>at this point boner gone, thank god, and she got nothing
>wrestle her to the bed and hold her down with my weight - not my front side, mind you
>"KNEE. that's all it was, what the hell did you look up on that thing?"
>fuck, she goes as red as a tomato
>"nothing"
>"bullsh.. bull."
>she squirms and gets out of bed. "fine! FINE. you don't want to show me, fine. i've seen those t.. things already, fine."
>walks out

---

>she knew i was lying
>i knew i was lying
>my dick knew i was lying
>my brain is screaming at me in horror
>my heart just sighs at how adorable she is
>everything about me is torn in different directions
>tell self to stop, just stop, all my parts just stop
>this girl, this adorable, UNDERAGE girl is your BLOOD RELATIVE SISTER
>aside from father, who doesn't give a shit about anything other than impressing his new family, you are her world
>do
>not
>fuck
>this
>up
>for
>her
>heart in agreement
>brain in agreement
>dick.. reluctantly in agreement
>decision made, no sleeping in bed, no touching, no nothing for a week, has to stop to get back to being loving SIBLINGS and not whatever the fuck happened this morning
>week passes slowly, we don't talk much the first few days but still hang out, she sleeps in her room with hambeast jr. but spends most every moment otherwise with me
>she starts opening back up, showing me funny things on the internet, laughing, smiling, going back to the sister i knew
>she passes out on the internet one night, i gently (AND CHASTELY) carry her and put her in her bed
>on a whim, start looking at her browsing history out of curiosity as to WHERE she had seen "those things" last week
>funny sites, games and jokes, searches for "weiner" which i found hilarious for a moment, "kissing", "synonyms for weiner" - smart girl, penis, boner
>like a wave graph it goes between funny, games, then anatomy, love, and finally sex
>she must be hiding it when i look over and searching when i'm not or out of the room
>seems she didn't actually find and explicit pictures, i don't think - beyond just a picture OF a dick or boobs or whatever, more anatomy than anything
>shake my head but i can't deny i wasn't the same way at her age on our piece of shit macintosh performa when i was 12
>it was brief, but my dick said "SHE WANTS TO LEARN LET'S TEACH HER" and it was gone. willpower > dick
>shrug, reach under drawer and unwedge the floppy full of porn pics and put in laptop
>wank, cum, clean up, close everything and shut computer down and put it to the side to go to bed
>...
>with floppy still in A: drive
>this is where it starts
>with a 3.5" floppy disk

>week continues
>school/work/sleep/school/work/sleep
>em doing her thing school/avoid hambeast jr/hang with me/sleep
>asks if she can use laptop
>on floor doing homework, dig it out from under my bed and hand it to her
>horrible 56k noise YAY
>she starts giggling on her own, pictures and retarded junk
>not really paying much attention but she goes really quiet for like 15 minutes
>look over and she is on the bed, up against the wall, her cheeks are BRIGHT. FUCKING. RED.
>kinda confused "are you okay?"
>she jumps and flusters with the laptop, shaking her head. "n-no i'm fine, it was nothing"
>scrunchface me
>"then why are your cheeks blushing, what were you looking at?"
>"nothing! it was some site. nothing, i was just searching."
>tilt head back, remember finding search history, start laughing
>"em i know you're looking up boobs and weiners and boners." laugh even harder at how i'm phrasing it. "i don't care. i was curious at your age too."
>her eyes go wide and she blushes even harder "I DO NOT! how do you know that?" (denial, then exposing herself - sometimes smart, sometimes not)
>i'm grinning like an idiot "search history! browsers leave a trail on everything you search for."
>she's still pouting really, really hard. i get up and get on the bed next to her
>"look, like i said, i don't care. they're not really explicit pictures, just diagrams and such, relax."
>turn and lean back against the wall next to her and she panics and closes the laptop "no!"
>"no what? it's just a boob or a drawing of one or something similar, right? re-LAX."
>put my fingers under the lid and start raising it, she holds it down HARD. like.. no reason HARD.
>"em, quit it, you'll break it like.. that." grab her wrist and pull the lid up
>stop.
>em won't look at me, twists wrist in grip.
>i look from her to the screen
>i am sitting here, with my 12 year old sister, holding her wrist, as she has seen, and i am just seeing a woman sitting on a man with a huge dick, as another plows her mouth
>what the f..
>i look at the side of the laptop, push the button and eject the drive, and yep. there's my fucking floppy.
>fan fucking tastic.
>i gently let go of her wrist and she turns her whole upper body away from me, looking down
>close picture, another behind it, woman giving a blowjob
>close picture. another. woman ridden doggystyle.
>look at taskbar, nearly every single picture i had on that floppy is open, and she has seen every. single. one.
>brain: FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
>with shaky hands, simply shut the laptop, close the lid, and take it off of her lap, the moment i do, she turns and curls up in a ball not looking at me, but at the head of the bed
>inhale, close mouth cos what the fuck do i say?
>she has a crash course in some really.. explicit methods of having sex, and i'm just going to say something stupid? i pocket the disk
>start off with questions, really quietly
>"em. em, how much di.." stupid. she saw nearly all of it. close mouth again
>sigh
>resign
>"alright. what do you want to know."
>she lifts her head a little and turns slightly to me, still BEET red.

>she takes a deep breath
>another
>calms her down, her blush kinda goes away, whereas mine is probably ridiculous, my sister just found my fucking porn stash
>one last breath and she turns to me, unwrapping her knees and sitting on her legs in front of me and just
>LAUNCHES into this breathless endless questioning
>paraphrasing, barely heard anything she was talking so fast
>"where did you get those why do you have them what were they doing? i mean i know how sex works obviously but why did that girl have it in her mouth and why did she do it with two guys and what about that one that let him put it in her butt! ewww! does that even feel good that one with the blue rod thing looked like a toy she was putting it up THERE ifyouknowwhatimean so is that what those things look like"
>"em. EM. emememem. em. stop. stop." raise hands in front of me "you're going way, way too fast. one at a time."
>she squints and thinks for a second - barely
>"is that what sex looks like?"
>swallow, look at the laptop for a second and think of all the pictures of positions, partners. word this right, anon.
>"i.. in some cases, yes."
>"but why did she have it in her ass do guys really like that or the one that had it between her boobs and the one with two guys i mean does a mouth on that thing really feel"
>"em. one. at. a. time."
>she pouts, stop pouting god dammit
>"ha.." she looks at me directly, please don't. "have you ever done that?"
>i shake my head
>"will you?"
>"probably someday, i'd hope"
>"will i?"
>with two guys, or in the ass? over my dead body
>"probably. a long, long time from now."
>"why?"
>actually laugh a bit. "em, you're 12."
>"SO! i have all the parts those ladies have, don't i?"
>well, with the exception of the boobs and the ADDITION of a hymen, thinking back, you probably have more i suppose
>"yes, em, you do, b.. but they're not ready yet."
>makes her stop
>brow furrow, confused
>"why not?"
>do i really have to explain puberty to this girl
>come up with an alternative
>"think.. of how you're growing. height wise, right? you weren't always as tall as you are now, right? i mean, babies aren't born the height they eventually will be."
>nods
>"so it's sorta the same with those parts that you were talking about."
>processing
>processing
>"so you're saying my down there will get uh.. bigger? what? i don't understand"
>drop my head and shake it "no, no. like.. has anyone ever called you immature?"
>"hambeast jr does it all the time, i'm used to it."
>"so you know what it is to be immature versus mature."
>"are you mature?"
>FUCK no, if i was mature i wouldn't be doing this and get her to a doctor for them to explain it
>also teenager so.. teenagers dumb. young, but considering i was the one that raised this girl practically myself after mom died, you learn fast
>"in a sense. and in another sense, no."
>just confuses her more
>"so when can i.. have sex?"
>never if i have my say
>"in a few years."
>"WHAT! that's too long, why that long!"
>"like i said, maturity."
>she crosses her arms and pouts really, really hard, as if i could do something to change that fact
>"well who would have sex with me anyway? could YOU?"
>background rumbling in my head
>louder now
>oncoming train
>boner: "TELL HER YES. TELL HER FUCKING YES TELL HER TELL HER TELL HER TELL HER" repeat

>boner, quiet, boner, meet brain. this is why we do not fuck everything that moves
>compromise with 60/40 boner/brain
>"physically, yes."
>literally see her brighten up
>heart hurts
>"but we can't."
>deflated.
>heart dies, boner sad
>"why not? you're supposed to have sex with someone you love, right? so.."
>her huge fucking eyes are drilling into mine
>brain shrinking, heart starting to take over, still rational
>"it's.. illegal." trust me i looked it up earlier that week. 10 to 180mo. in jail.
>"why! it's not like it's anything bad, who says it's bad?"
>the law, religion (well some), god, parents, community, the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD
>"everyone, that's just how it is, em. i'm sorry." FUUUUUCK DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR SHIT YOU CANNOT CONTROL
>she gets real quiet, looking for holes to poke in my logic
>starts fidgeting
>"i wouldn't.. tell anyone about it, anon."
>jaws clench, you keep that poker face, fucker, you FUCKING KEEP THAT POKER FACE BONER YOU SIT DOWN BRAIN WHERE ARE YOU GOING HEART STOP THAT GET OUT OF MY THROAT
>literally digging my fingernails into my palms here, later found them bleeding slightly
>"i.. know, em. i know you wouldn't."
>please, please don't look at me, em. not now.
>got to say something.
>"don't you.. find any of the boys at your school attractive?"
>already know her fucking response by the look on her face, but she shakes her head anyway and looks directly at me. right. at. me.
>at this point boner is off drinking at a bar with brain and heart is like tapping the mic they use to talk to me and going "HELLO IS THIS THING ON"
>she tenses up
>please don't, em. don't do it.
>i can't anymore. i can't say no. i won't say no, please be more rational than me. please, twelve year old girl, please be more rational than a stupid, hormone filled, STUPID, STUPID TEENAGE BOY. PLEASE.
>...
>she wasn't.

>movies teach people to kiss but not what goes on in the mouth
>porn teaches people to kiss in ways that only happens in porn
>she had seen one
>i had seen both
>she wraps her arms around my neck, strangling me as my fists stay right where they are on my thighs
>mouth against mine, even though mine are a flat, strained line. do not do this, anon. do not do this, em.
>my ears are literally ringing, hearing the rush of blood in my arteries and veins as my heart literally overpowers me and i relax a little
>she knows enough from movies to tilt her head a bit as her lips lock with mine, parting
>she sighs into my mouth, i can fucking taste that soda she drank earlier on it
>don't.
>don't.
>arms literally shaking until
>i exhale my held breath against her lips and grab her, harder than she grabbed me the other night and pull her whole, tiny body against mine and tilt my head the other way, one hand on her back, the other up in her hair
>boner stumbles in from the bar, heart running around cheering
>part her lips wider with mine and slide my tongue into her mouth, probably too deep, but this was what, my.. third kiss? what the fuck did i know? and all the other ones were chaste
>her tongue presses against mine, sliding past and into MY mouth
>my hand presses against her bare lower back, since her shirt is bunched up against my chest, jesus christ she is so soft
>my crotch is in agonizing pain from trying to escape my fucking jeans, brain ignores it, still yelling no but it's like hearing someone from across the grand canyon
>heart beating like crazy, overriding everything
>she smells so nice
>we use the same shampoo but it radiates around her
>my eyes fly open and i push her back, her tongue was hanging out of her mouth for a second before she pulls it back in and i hold her arms, arms length away from me
>has this look of confusion as she looks at me, also another faint pout, even i can see that through her panting
>oh my god.
>i am in love, that kind of love
>with my sister
>brain waves a fond farewell as it drives off into the distance
>oh
>shit

---

>both of us are breathless
>just made out with sister
>door wide fucking open
>dad, hambeast, hambeast jr downstairs
>i drop my hands damn quick, she looks disappointed
>"em.." i don't even know what to say
>she brightens up almost immediately and launches herself at me in a hug that pushes me on my back, i figure she's going for another kiss.
>"that was awesome!"
>rests her head on my shoulder, i can feel her breathing on my neck. tentatively, i wrap my arms around her slender body loosely
>"that was so much better than a pillow."
>well at least i have that going for me, better than a pillow
>thank heaven that her thighs are positioned in a way that gives my raging tent of jeans are nowhere near her
>reach up and stroke her hair absentmindedly, what just happened running in a loop in my head
>swallow, "em do you.. know what we just did?"
>"we kissed! or rather i kissed you and then you started kissing back! it was awesome!" she sighs, like, content
>stare at ceiling
>"yeah, we did."
>she slinks down and rests her chin on my chest, grinning up at me, but god dammit her crotch is literally centimeters away from a big ol protrusion down there
>"can we do it again?"
>rectify situation, change tactics, heart, boner, SHUT UP.
>glance at door
>gently, CAREFULLY, pull her off me and awkwardly walk to the door, look down the hall, down stairs
>hear nothing
>what the fuck are you doing, anon
>open mouth
>brain shuts off
>"going to bed, em's passed out in my bed, g'night" yell downstairs
>hear nothing in response, which is usual
>a tingle runs up my spine, what the fuck did you just do, anon
>my brain's starting to come over to the heart's side as a slow, happy grin crosses my face
>wait outside door for a moment for boner to at least go down a LITTLE, jesus christ
>deep breath
>walk in
>close door
>lock door
>exhale
>look at giddy sister kneeling on the bed - she heard what i said
>nod, smiling a bit "yeah, em. we can do it again, if you want."

>walk over and point at her
>"you know this isn't.. what we should be doing."
>nod
>"you know that you can't tell anyone, ever. don't even let it slip mistakenly."
>nod
>still grinning
>"you know that your brother will go to jail if you tell anyone." probably a lie, what the fuck do i know.
>nod
>"i'll ask one question, simply out of curiosity."
>grin slips a bit, but nods.
>"do you know the difference between sibling love, and.. a.. attraction love?"
>"like how they play in the movies?"
>"like that, yes, are you.." falter "just imitating what you saw on the screen?"
>tilts her head "imitating, like doing what they do? no, i mean, yes, i learned how to do it there but.."
>stop her there "no, like.." rub my face and squat down in front of her, looking up at her from the floor
>"em, you love me, right?"
>nod
>"how?"
>"what do you mean how?"
>idea. "when you and i.. kissed. just now. was there anything in your mind that made you uncomfortable? that it was weird? in any way, whatsoever, no matter how small."
>she sits back on her heels and thinks, recalling, damn girl is SMILING ABOUT IT AAAAA
>shakes her head "no, i mean it felt good, but it's not like.. well like the way dad kisses my cheek. which is kinda eh."
>trust me i felt the same way growing up
>kneel and lean over the bed and reach up, tapping her ribcage with a finger
>"here, right? you feel it here?"
>nod
>rub my face and say behind my hand "how does it feel?"
>"mm, like it hurts? but not in a bad way? like.. it's full, you know? like how you eat too much and you're all UGH but this doesn't hurt like that, i mean i like it. does that make sense?"
>in every. possible. way.

>stand up and look down at her, hands on hips, like all authoritarian right?
>face of an angel
>GOD DAMMIT
>poker face please
>"ground rules. and these are non-negotiable, you got me?"
>nod
>"kissing only, no wandering hands, you're always clothed." i forget about saying ME being clothed.
>nod
>i will break this rule later.
>"never when dad or hambeast/hambeast jr. are around."
>nod
>i will break this rule later.
>"i swear to god if you tell lacey (her best friend) or aaron (the only boy she can stand in school), it ends, i will deny everything, and we will never do this again." fake ass names by the way.
>nod
>she will break this rule later.
>"if anyone suspects anything, we make sure our stories match beforehand, understand?"
>nod
>"finally, if you, or I ever feel in any way uncomfortable in doing what we're doing, you speak up, or i speak up. got it?"
>nod
>run through a checklist, what else what else what else
>boner reminds
>"listen, the human body is.. fickle.. kissing.. t.. hm.. turns a person on."
>"like a boner"
>cutest way of saying boner ever
>"yeah, like that, and it's really, really hard to deny and really involuntary."
>"what's the female boner like?"
>shut eyes really tight, don't fucking laugh
>"a.. female.. 'boner'.. i guess it like.. she.. gets wet. down there. that's what being turned on for a girl is like."
>her mouth is an O as she thinks about it
>"no touching, no acknowledging it, just ignore it, that's all. got me?"
>nod
>anything else.. no?
>pull laptop off bed
>crawl up in front of her
>"alright, em. you got what you wanted."
>her face starts lighting up like a god damned christmas tree.
>lick lips, shake my head with a grin like i'm not fucking excited myself.
>"alright let's do it again, then."

---

>she shuffles to me, almost shy now
>after what she just did? what the fuck
>still cute as hell
>slide arm around her and push her back on the bed, lean over her
>idly push hair off her cheek, forehead
>brain: ask again
>"you're sure, em."
>she gives me a gorgeous smile that i still remember to this day
>"i'm sure, anon."
>can't help but smile back and lean down, pressing my lips to hers, she's already starting to part them for me
>tongue slides down along hers as my arms wrap around her waist
>i'm lying a bit to the side (thanks boner) but my chest is on top of hers, i can feel her breathing
>more that i can feel her pulse just racing
>not that i could say anything
>we spend the next hour in different positions, under her, in my lap (she did well ignoring the boner. for now.) just making out like stupid teenagers would
>finally it's around 11pm, she has school, i have school, i have to be the responsible one in this BLOOD RELATIVE INCESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP
>"listen, go get one of my t-shirts, go in the closet and change for bed, alright? it's late."
>she frowns, another pout, she wants to keep going, fuck, *I* want to keep going
>lift her up and stand her on her own feet next to the bed
>"go on, i'll get changed too"
>she reluctantly does, set the alarm, i sleep in boxers, and FUCK YOU BONER NOT NOW
>flick the light while she's still in the closet, she yells "hey!"
>stuff myself under the covers laughing
>eyes haven't adjusted but she crawls in next to me, i can feel her breath near my cheek
>"anon, i get what you mean about your chest."
>on my back, arm above my head as i turn her way, sort of make out her form
>"when you asked me where i felt it. my chest, you know? my heart, or whatever?"

em rolled her eyes at me just now and went to get a drink. yes she was sappy as fuck and hates that i remember it

>"mmhm."
>she rolls over and drapes her arm across my stomach, resting her head on my chest. "i sort of get it now."
>silent.
>"and you feel the same way?"
>take a deep breath and stroke her hair
>"yeah, em." brain hangin with heart hangin with boner who is in handcuffs. "i do."

>weeks pass
>same thing really, school work sleep (with em - not like that)
>our lips are practically stitched together whenever it's past 7pm
>start to use more affection when parted, not a bye or a hug or a kiss on the cheek but she pulls me upstairs and gives me long fucking kisses before school or leaving for errands or even before dinner
>thankfully boner getting used to it, not always at full mast all day erry day which is good cos hiding that shit is getting ridiculous
>still, past 7pm, full mast
>she's made some mistakes about it, as have i, considering i wear nothing but boxers to bed
>like a grind here or a brush on the thigh or whatever, i try my best to consciously keep it out of the way
>but the girl i love has her tongue in my mouth, is wearing nothing but a t-shirt and panties, and the door is locked
>normal human teenage boy with the willpower of superman which.. sadly does not last long
>summer 1999
>em's birthday was in may, mine in august, she's 13, i'm still 17. lords this over me constantly for some reason
>have the same routine, which is fine by me, and, without me knowing, not fine by her
>she still hadn't started her period, yay

em said she wished she could have that body again. i.. do.. not disagree. but i love her as she is now anyway. "QUIT BEING FUCKING SAPPY AND TELL THE S oh shit is this about that night?" yes ma'am so now she's in my god damned lap and i can't see the screen

>em wearing skimpier and skimpier clothing, i end up being the one pulling her upstairs for emergency makeout sessions
>we had AC, but it wasn't ever lower than like 76 because my dad and hambeast want to save money, always hot upstairs
>i sleep in boxers, whatever, still sweat sometimes
>em is small, doesn't really sweat
>but

>unusually hot, august, as always
>ac not doing a damn thing as i'm on my side and you ever have night sweats that wake you up cos a bead rolls down your stomach
>most annoying thing in the world, i wake up, intending to grab the sheet to wipe my body
>em's legs clamped around my thigh and grinding against it
>boner wakes up as well
>she's making the cutest little noises, and not like when we make out. she does that too but this is like.. deeper.
>don't move, squint a bit as if i'm still asleep, make out her form, features
>she's staring right at me
>lips parted, panting, her hands are bunched up against her chest
>my sister is grinding crotch against my thigh, and it wasn't the fucking outdoor heat that made me sweat
>her pussy is on fire, even through the underwear, i can feel it slip up and down along my thigh
>what do
>boner: YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO
>don't do what boner says, wait, just wait.

>let her, basically, use me as a sex toy, or a pillow to rub against
>my cock is as hard as it has ever been in my entire life, and i'm watching my sister pleasure herself using me
>suddenly she reaches out and grabs onto it through the boxers and it takes every muscle in my body to not jerk back (or push forward)
>she's just holding it, like she doesn't know what to do with it

em said she knows NOW

>just gripping the base, using IT as leverage to pull herself harder against my thigh as she digs against it, starting a bit faster
>just cute little pants, she's holding back her voice as she looks down at what's in her hand, to my face, making sure i'm still fast asleep
>is this the first time she's done this?
>how many times before, this isn't the first time, it can't be
>she knows this isn't right, that i wouldn't approve
>finally she tenses up and an adorable little squeak escapes her before her hand claps over her mouth and she tightens her thighs like a vice around mine
>foot is going numb from lack of bloodflow
>literally staring at my sister have an orgasm using me as the reason
>boner: TELL HER HOW TO USE ME AND WE CAN GIVE HER
>no boner
>she visibly relaxes, still panting, still covering her mouth
>eyes closing as she lets my thigh go, shifting back a bit
>she even leans up a bit and uses MY SHEETS TO WIPE MY THIGH you dirty bitch

em said fuck you

>slowly releases my cock, which is still ROCK HARD and looks at me for a moment before leaning up and kissing my cheek
>she puts her head on the same pillow, her body's away from mine but i can feel her breath on my lips
>spend the next three fucking hours trying to sleep, miming shifting around, my back to her, finally, FINALLY my brain, my heart, my dick finally, finally calm down and i get back to sleep
>weird, weird ass dreams though. weird ass dreams.

---

>let a week go by of this, sometimes awake, assuming she does it when i'm asleep, i don't know
>life as normal during the day, school, work, hang with em, she uses the laptop, i do my homework, we sleep
>wake up one day, my thigh is all sticky, and it's not from her
>look at em, back to me, look at sheets, there's the sign. i have changed these sheets so many god damned times.
>look in boxers
>i came. i came in my god damned boxers last night and i don't even remember it, what a waste
>slowly get up as not to disturb em, she's like me, and i've slept through a hurricane
>kinda.. waddle to the bathroom, clean up, morning rituals, etc.
>walk back into bedroom, close door quietly, lock, it's only 6am anyway, i can get more sleep WOO
>"you saw."
>freeze
>not much light in the room, sun rises away from my window, but i can make her out on the bed
>"you saw what i did the other night, didn't you, that's why you keep changing the sheets."
>silent
>"something happened last night too, i don't know what it was."
>silent
>"anon?"
>"i'm here."
>"what happened with you last night?"
>silent
>"a.. haah.." i walk over and sit on the edge of the bed - as far as i can from her at the moment
>feel eyes on me, even if i can't see her
>"apparently, i came."
>"came where?"
>too tired to laugh, too nervous to laugh.
>"it's.. when you have an orgasm, it's slang, like.. cum, cumming, came.." i rub my eyes, no more sleep for me today. "yes, i saw you."
>she goes REAL quiet. she knew enough from those anatomy searches i found to know what an orgasm was, at least.

>"did you like it?"
>i sort of snap at her. "did you like yours?" and actually see her form shrink in the sheets. god dammit.
>"yes, em. i don't remember it, but i know what an orgasm feels like, so yes. i did."
>she sort of relaxes.
>silence.
>"yes i liked mine."
>lean up and walk to the head of the bed, kneel on the floor and cross my arms on the bed, looking at her. i can barely see her but she won't look directly at me, i know that much.
>"how long have you been doing this, em?"
>doesn't answer at first, and i hear a small "just this week."
>i reach out and she literally cringes back, and that breaks my heart.
>place my hand on her cheek, i don't say anything, i can't say anything, what the fuck can i say? i'm disappointed? i'm glad you did it, now i can fuck you like i've wanted to for ages?
>"i know we.. had rules. it's just one night i brushed up against you and it.. felt good. so i tried it again."
>she sounds like a puppy who went on the carpet, it's killing me. my thumb runs along her cheek.
>"and i kept doing it, i mean i get what you mean when you said the female boner's like getting wet, right? i mean, you noticed, you changed the sheets."
>stifle a laugh at the female boner thing again but stay silent
>"i'm sorry."
>last straw, i get up and she shifts back, i pull the covers up to our necks and wrap my arms around her waist tight
>"em, you're young, i'm young, and.. somewhere in my mind i knew this would happen, you or me starting it."
>nod
>"tomorrow. we'll talk more, okay? i'm not.."
>"not crazy about what i'm going to teach you, because i barely know myself. but we'll set another set of rules tomorrow, for this, for all of this, okay?"
>she looks disappointed
>"i know you won't stop, with or without me. my thigh isn't the only thing that can get you off."
>"make you cum."
>she understands now
>"i'm not disappointed, i'm not angry, i don't love you any less, you understand me?"
>nod
>lean forward and press my lips softly to hers
>"go to sleep, em."
>she does
>i do
>despite every weird, unstable thought in my head.

---

>next day
>school, learn NOTHING, sorting rules in my head, what is allowed, what is not, what to tell her, what to show her
>jumbled mix of shit in my brain who has literally given the fuck up on logic with em
>work, home
>come to find all of em's stuff in a pile in my room, em on the bed
>"what is this, what happened?"
>she's on the laptop, pissed, like.. CRAZY PISSED
>"ask hambeast jr."
>go downstairs, look for fat bitch, find hambeast, wrong fat bitch, find hambeast jr. redecorating what WAS em's room to her liking
>"what did you do? why is all of em's shit in my room?"
>"MOOOOOOM, ANON CURSED AT ME" totally ignoring the question, and me, decorating
>"DON'T CURSE AT YOUR SISTER" comes a fat ass reply, i cannot STAND THESE TWO

em said me either, fat bitches (i'm narrating as i type she's on the couch watching some shit on bravo. god i hate that network. did not narrate this.)

>"answer my question"
>"i want my own room, and she likes your room better so YOU can share with her"
>i cannot deny this logic, but i am really, really pissed that no one asked me, asked em, or ANYTHING
>getting nowhere with fatass jr.
>go to dad and hambeast on couch
>"did you say you were okay with this?"
>hambeast looks ready to pig out at me, dad speaks up first.
>"yes, hambeast jr. wanted her space, and em really likes being with you, we figured WE FIGURED.." he is calming, talking over hambeast next to him
>"that you wouldn't mind."
>i don't. i really don't. i really, really don't.
>sigh and rub my forehead.
>"alright. alright fine. but you owe me a new dresser or SOMETHING to hold her clothes, i don't have enough room."
>dad holds up his hands, nodding
>"i'll give you money tomorrow, just pick something out."
>turn and walk upstairs
>enter room, my sister is grinning her god damned face off
>close, lock the door, walking to the bed
>"you did this, didn't you?"
>i swear to god, if you could feign innocence so hard that it becomes absolute bullshit, she pulled it off and said
>"did what?"

em just laughed her tits off and it wasn't because of the tv show.

>sigh and sit on the bed
>em still grinning
>"wipe that off your face."
>she does that thing where she stuffs her lips in her mouth and bites on them which is just an internal grin, i do it all the time
>goes back to laptop
>look at pile of clothes, items, just general girly shit, where the fuck am i gonna put this
>"dad is going to give me money to buy you a dresser tomorrow. i'm just going to get something from ikea like mine."
>she nods absentmindedly
>she's ready for bed, my beck t-shirt (fuckers shipped a large, it SHRANK, i loved that shirt, so i gave it to her. same with my katamari shirt. at least woot does their sizes right)
>wiggling toes, browsing the internet, her feet are so fucking tiny, no i do not have a foot thing but i wear size 12s
>"em."
>"mm."
>"em!"
>"mm."
>get up and unplug phone cable, she doesn't notice until the computer catches up and she frowns at the screen. "why did i get discon.."
>"hey! i'm using this, why.."
>i close the laptop and pull it aside. "we need to talk. right now." i look back at the pile of her stuff, then to her.
>"the rules."
>her angry look at being disconnected fades as she bites her lower lip and nods, letting me put the laptop away for the night.

>sit cross-legged in front of her
>her lower half is thankfully under the covers, no distractions except her GOD DAMNED EYES BORING INTO ME
>"alright. you're.. becoming.. sexually active." oh god
>"and with me, your brother." stop please.
>"so we need rules to.. to.." what are you doing
>"you don't want me to give birth to a retard."

em gave one big HA

>yes, she said it.
>i'm just staring at her in disbelief.
>"i'm not stupid, anon. i had urges, i didn't.. know what they were, you have the internet, so i looked it up."
>ticking off on her fingers
>"i know how sex works, i know how reproduction works, i know what a period is even though i haven't had one yet"
>oh thank god i don't have to have that talk
>"i know about genetic diversity"
>i lean back in shock at these big ass words coming out of my 13 year old sister's mouth
>"i know what semen is, i know what vaginal lubrication is, i know that sperm and eggs make a baby, but that blood relatives have a higher chance of having a child with mental disabilities
>"alright stop, stop stop stop."
>she had already gone through all of her fingers with points about sex
>wonder at this point if she doesn't know more than me
>"alright, so you.. know why we need these rules. obviously."
>she gives me this smug little smirk that kinda pisses me off? and is kinda cute at the same time? hard to explain

>deep breath, sort thoughts, start
>"not while i'm asleep. number one."
>she frowns at this but i hold up my hand. "in exchange.."
>can't look at her
>really, really, really quiet, you have to remember i'm shy as fuck regularly.
>"i'llshowyouhowtodoit"
>"what?"
>"i'll.. show you how to do it yourself." track switch, throw a joke. "so i won't have to wash my sheets as often, heh heh."
>fake, fake ass laugh is fooling nobody.
>risk a glance at her, she's wide eyed and fucking excited like i told a 16 year old i bought her a ferrari.
>"next. once. i will show you once, what you did to me that night. if you miss it, too bad, if you sneeze and blink, too bad, once. and not right now."
>nod
>"you and i are to keep our clothes on in bed, and this is non-negotiable" i think back of the other non-negotiable rules i set
>i open my mouth for the next one, then close it, thinking how to phrase it
>kinda squinting "tell me when you get your period. it could be any day now, okay?"
>confused "why?"
>i point down in the direction of our living room, through the wall. "none of them have told you how to handle it, have they? and reading about it on the internet is very different than doing it for real."
>she sorta nods
>"i'm going to the doctor on friday for my physical, i'll ask him how i can convey it to you. he knows our situation."
>she leans back and laughs, crossing her arms. "our.. 'situation'?"
>roll my eyes "no, not THIS situation, just that.. i care for you, is all."
>she softens and becomes that girl again

em said YOU SAP - she has become salty in her OLD AGE "I AM NOT OLD YOU DICK"

>cycle through mind, think, think, THINK. nothing else?
>"will you show me now?"
>preoccupied
>"anon, i mean the first one. the first thing you said."
>"the first what? the.."
>now?
>"now?"
>"now."

>panic mode
>i know my anatomy, i know women's bodies, i know what a vagina is, i even know where the clit would/could/should be located!
>get an idea, brilliant, out of nowhere, while thinking about my SISTER'S CROTCH
>hold up a finger, tell her to wait. door's already locked, but drag a chair to it and wedge it, hard under the knob. pull on door, doesn't even budge in the slightest. fuck you hambeast and your paperclip bullshit.
>had actually thought about filling the hole with caulk but that wouldn't have let me lock it later

em: did you really? that's actually not a bad idea

>"turn on that lamp"
>pixar lookin lamp, doesn't cast much light except on the desk, i hit the lights and vigorously rub my face at what i'm about to do so she can't fucking see how GOD DAMNED NERVOUS I AM
>lose the jeans, shirt, boxers, like always, and walk over to her, thankfully boner asleep
>for now
>i sit on the bed next to her, actually on her side - she has her side, which is nearer to the desk and door, i'm up against the wall usually and do the dumbest fucking thing i have ever done.
>i pat my lap and loop an arm around her waist so she's sitting on me, leaning back against me
>good morning boner
>ignoreignoreignore, go scientific mode. rattle facts.
>"so you've seen what" fuck familiarity at this point.. "your pussy looks like."
>she nods slightly, she is embarrassed as fuck, and so the fuck am i
>"so you know all the ho.. holes and the insides, and what they all do and.."
>jesus christ what are you doing
>she nods anyway
>"so i'm just doing this once, alright? and i'm not going to touch you, you are, understand?"
>take her hand and cup the back of her hand in the palm of mine, making her fingers point out underneath my fingertips
>"i've seen this."
>pause for a moment, looking down at her, though i can't see anything but the back of her neck
>"i mean, how girls do this, on that disk."
>never going to live that shit down
>"i know. are you ready?"
>the longest five seconds of my life before she nods.

>"alright."

---

i don't think i ever really described what em looks like in detail, just her age and hair color. at this point she's about 4'8" and i tower over her at 5"11" (i'm 6'4" and she's 5'7" now). she had beautiful shoulder length blonde hair though sometimes she'd get it cut up short cos she didn't like fussing with it. her skin was paler than mine because at the time i worked a lot outdoors and had a farmer's tan. she would always (and still does) complain about her lips being too thin, but i don't think they are. what's funny is that (and she will kick my ass if she reads this later) i always noticed how LOUD she'd walk. she'd thump around the house making the most noise just by WALKING. a true heel-walker. but remember i told you her feet were fucking tiny, STILL ARE! but her eyes are the most beautiful blue, and really fetching.

ANYWAY that's out of the way, to give you guys a more specific idea of who we were at the time. but you're not here for that.

>no pressure, anon, you just have your 13 year old blood related sister on your lap
>the first girl you have ever kissed
>and you have a hard-on
>and she's looking down at it sticking up between her legs as she sits more towards your stomach
>and you're about to show her how to masturbate
>which you have only seen in porn
>so.. no pressure
>free hand pushes up her shirt a bit as the hand over hers rests on her stomach
>"listen, you already know that rubbing it feels good, a.. and leads to an orgasm."
>nod
>"there are other ways, like in the picture you saw, and those feel good too."
>nod
>"but me showing you this, is the only time we are going to do this. from now on, you'll be able to do it yourself, understand?"
>nod, she's unusually quiet
>wrap free arm around her a bit tighter and press myself against her back, resting my chin on her shoulder
>"listen, this is my first time too. and i don't think i have to tell you i'm nervous as hell myself."

>she looks at me out of the corner of her eye and smiles slightly.
>"if i do something you don't want, or don't like, you speak up immediately."
>she nods, still having that slight, excited smile
>lean head back, take in a deep breath and look over her shoulder again
>start sliding her tiny hand under mine down along her stomach, hooking under her underwear and sliding into them
>can feel the few amount of hair she has down there before it stops and i split her fingers into a V
>start curling them down along her lips and she gives this one quick intake of breath, i can feel her heart racing a mile a minute
>just rubbing for now, on either side, the back of my hand is damp, she was already wet in her underwear before we even started
>she is watching her crotch intently, i'm more just watching her reaction since i can't see well anyway, doing it mostly by feel
>take her middle finger and place it snugly in between her lips and start stroking vertically down along it - getting my finger wet in the process, but she's still doing most of the work
>she lets a little "aah!" escape her before clamping her free hand over her mouth. she knows we need to be quiet, but that amount is fine.
>take another breath and start sliding my hand up under the front of her shirt
>whispering now: "you can use your other hand like this.."
>my fingers slide flat up between her breasts (if you can call them that, she's not even halfway to an A)
>swipe to the side and rub my fingertips over her nipple, using my thumb to rub soft circles against it
>another little grunt escapes between her hand, her nipples are getting harder, and i give it the softest pinch, rolling it between my fingers
>she pushes her chest out towards me when i do that, apparently had an effect
>this is affecting me too
>i am leaking like a god damned sieve and hope to god she can't see it

>my finger gets a little quicker below, and her breath quickens, alternating between fast and slow, so far i haven't fucked this up
>i keep pressure with my palm on the back of her hand to rub right on her clitoris hood, not directly touching it
>push with my middle finger on hers, threatening to push it in.
>lean against her ear: "you ready?"
>she gives the shakiest of nods
>push harder with my finger as i use the remaining fingers outside to spread her open a little and both her finger and mine slide down into her ridiculously tight body
>i can FEEL her tense up and clamp down hard around both our fingers, she lets out a "mmnnh!" (hard to describe) sound from under her hand
>don't go deep, just the up to the first joint for me, then ease it back out
>other fingers curl up and down, still rubbing
>other hand on her chest, feeling her heartbeat, breath through my palm, my fingers grazing over her nipples
>push our fingers back down into her, she tightens up again but doesn't fight it as we're up to the second joint
>ease out, repeat, do this for a minute or two, just to that second joint. she is squirming in my lap, panting against her hand, she won't last very long
>slide in even deeper, but not to the knuckle, in the back of my mind i really have no idea where the hymen is or if she even has it anymore (research later shows me that horseback/bike riding can do that)
>start really pumping our fingers into her once i think she's used to the width, her palm of her hand is rubbing hard on the hood of her clit as our hands move
>hear a faint "anon.."
>don't say anything, just nod my head since it's right next to hers, she could feel it
>keep my pace up, it's not porn-speed ridiculous, but a nice, smooth speed
>my dick is so hard it's actually painful, now know the feeling of blue balls, the soft, wet noises aren't fucking helping at all

>she huffs through her nose faster, faster, faster until she takes a hard breath in and holds it, fighting the urge to moan
>her pussy clamped over and over on our fingers, but i didn't stop, i just pumped right through the contractions
>continue until i feel the tightening slow considerably, withdraw our fingers and just rub all of her crotch up and down, her hand, and my hand are fucking soaked
>wait for her to come down, catch her breath, gently side my hand out of her shirt, pull our hands out of her underwear and lean back agaist the wall - she's limply lying back on me with her head laying on my shoulder
>she finally drops her hand from her mouth and lets it fall to her side, the other still laying on her stomach
>"oh.."
>"wow."
>i stay quiet, gently wiping my hand (hopefully for the last time) on my sheet
>lean down and slide my arm under her legs to slowly lay her on her own on the bed, she puts her hand on my arm and shakes her head
>"wait, not yet."
>i slip my arm free and lean back again, letting her.. bask, i suppose.
>"that was.. a.. lot better than when i used.. you know, your leg.."
>brief flash of that, does not help my hard-on
>chuckle slightly, "well. now you know how to do it on your own, don't you?"
>she nods and turns her head, leaning up and pressing her lips softly against mine. not erotic at all, a delicate thank you kiss.
>the deep blush she had earlier is receeding, i'm sure mine isn't really because I STILL HAVE A HUGE HARD-ON EM YOU'RE KILLING ME
>"here, gimme your hand." i take her wrist and use the sheet to wipe her fingers clean, but the rest of her will need a shower, i'll need a shower, i'll need to open a window because this room is HEAVY with her scent
>she sorta laughs. "i thought you said you didn't want to do that anymore."
>"mm, no towels on hand, plus this will probably be the last time i have to do this." raise a brow and look down at her. "provided you don't do it yourself anymore."

>she holds up a hand at me. "promise. though you may see a towel from time to time on the floor next to the bed.
>my grin is back, hers is back, i scoop her off my lap and sit her next to me, and for some reason she has this really expectant look in her eyes
>still grinning, i look at her confused. "what're you grinning at, you goof?"
>"you said you would." grin.
>"would what?" still confused, still smiling a bit.
>she bites her lip and moves her eyes, i follow them - right to my tented boxers
>oh fuck
>she looks back at me and pops that ridiculously cute grin of hers
>god
>dammit
>"y.. you mean now? you meant now? you want me to do it now."
>she tilts her head. "well yeah, i mean why not? it's already hard, isn't it?" and she reaches out, seriously, to poke at it
>reflexes! i grab her hand with mine and hold it, shaking my head "don't."
>she jerks back a bit then settles, giving that well, alright kinda face and sits back on her legs underneath her
>keep her hand in mine and drop them to the bed, looking out in my room, my mind racing how to get out of this, what the fuck do i do, CAN i do it, how horrible would it be not to be able to cum in front of my sister, HOW HORRIBLE WOULD IT BE TO BE ABLE TO CUM IN FRONT OF MY SISTER
>"now?" "now." "don't you want to wait until--" "now."
>sighing, i look at the clock, it's well past twelve at this point, everyone's asleep (nobody gives a shit to say goodnight to anyone around here anymore)
>open mouth, close it. she's got me locked up tight and this girl knows it.
>use free hand to rub eyes, i am really god damned tired, and really god damned horny.
>"alright."
>she brightens immediately. "REALLY!"
>squeeze her hand, shaking my head. "shh! yes, yes, okay, really."
>you remember in frozen when anna's about to reveal the new sled at the end? think that kind of squirming excitement.
>"alright, alright.. alright. hang on."

>hoist myself up off the bed and stand, look down, realize i look god damned ridiculous with this tent in my boxers, at least she isn't seeing this side
>walk to bathroom, thank architect for 3br/2.5bath, and i got one, skirting the door wedged by the chair and grab one of my shower towels
>turn around and see em squinting at me, since the only light in the room is that lamp and she can't really make me out
>"what are you doing?"
>"just hang on, i'm.. thinking."
>"you said you would.."
>"i know, i'm not going back on my word, you should know me better than that."
>she flashes that grin again. despite what i'm about to do, this girl melts my heart on a daily basis.
>deep breath, exhale, bend, pull boxers down and onto the floor. grab them, then get an idea.
>ball them up and throw them at the wall next to where she's knelt, she jumps back and looks at what i threw
>her eyes go wide as they possibly can and then as slits as they possibly can as she turned to look my way as if she could see anything
>"ARE YO.." she quiets down and hisses "are you NAKED?"
>"maybe."
>she gets kinda pouty. "i can't see."
>i'm hooking the towel around my waist and tying it into itself. "this i know."
>"that's not fair!"
>"this i know."
>she crosses her arms across her chest. "well are you coming back? you said yo.."
>"i said i would, and i will, just be patient."
>remember she's 13, patience is not her strong suit.
>another breath, start over towards her, at least the tenting isn't as obvious anymore
>she looks up at me, then scans my body head to toe, kinda laughing. "we having a hula?"
>"can it. girls can kinda control how wet they get, guys.."
>tilts her head. "guys?"
>"nevermind."
>hook fingers in towel, grit teeth, look at her and damned if she isn't staring right at my fucking crotch
>"alright, em."
>undo the tie, pull the towel away, and toss it on the bed. drop my hands to my sides, and stand there, rock hard, bare ass naked, in front of my sister.

>dig my teeth into my lower lip
>her eyes are locked on my dick, and i'm just watching her expression
>my dick is so hard it pulses with my heartbeat, that seemed to surprise her
>agonizing seconds go by before i finally say "scoot over"
>"em."
>"EM."
>snaps out of it and scoots over - not much though, she knows what she's doing - wants me in the light, and her right fucking next to me
>what am i doing
>lay out perpendicular, my back against the wall next to the bed, legs hanging off the other side, she's to my right, kneeling
>dick standing RIGHT UP in front of me, in front of her
>i'm not impressive, average at best, cut, 6.0" but proud of that at 17 (em swears it's 7 now, i haven't measured in years) keep my hair trimmed short
>finally, FINALLY, she looks up at me.
>"so.. how do you do it?"
>reach down and wrap my hand around the base, she watches, i'm drooling pre down the shaft and that is embarrassing as FUCK, can't help it
>"well, you remember how you got off by just rubbing.. rubbing against my thigh?"
>nod
>"it's.. the same principle. i mean you can use your fingers and all that, but i don't have that kinda thing going for me, you know?"
>nod
>"em, look at me."
>her blue eyes look into mine
>"this is the only time, you understand? this isn't a thing we do, this isn't even right."
>"says who?"
>there it is again.
>"i told you. you know i told you."
>she sinks down a bit and nods. "i know."
>"try.. try to think of this as like.. a.. lesson you'll never get in school's version of sex ed."
>dumbest thing i have ever fucking said in my life.
>but she nods.
>"so normally i just sort of use my hand, and.. well, go like.."
>start sliding my hand up and down normally, the pre smears EVERYWHERE on my dick, i have never, and will probably never to this day, leak like i did that day
>"it's wet."
>her eyes are locked on my crotch again
>"it's.. like how you get wet, you know? sort of.." not in the right mind to explain the difference right now.

>i go beet red as i start to pump my dick in my fist and it's making really lewd, loud noises
>look at her biting her lip
>this is going to be fucking fast. really, really fast.
>there is nothing going through my mind except the singluar vision of her on my lap, and my fingers in her underwear, and i cannot tell you how fucking ashamed i felt, but not enough to stop
>"so what.."
>my eyes are shut and i am really picking up the pace, cos i can feel it. "quiet."
>she shuts up, my memories of the last hour or so are replaying and it fucking hits me
>my body tenses up and i bend inward as i start to blow a ridiculously thick, copious load. the first part hits my neck, chest, so on and so forth
>anyone who has lived with others knows how to control moaning when jerking off, it's rather silent except for a few low grunts and panting
>em later tells me she had jumped back when it happened, it wasn't like a seizure, since she had felt it herself earlier, but didn't realize it was "that powerful" - her words
>i do not see this, eyes closed, em also holds her hand above it and got a few drops, and hid it behind her back while watching me since she knew my eyes were closed - this is not the last time she will be sneaky, and even living with her now she's a sneaky little bitch
>start to come down, panting
>muscles relaxing
>i am fucking COVERED in cum
>breathing normal, open eyes, look at my body
>look at em
>realize what i have done
>she's looking at me and not at my dick anymore
>my only solace from being embarrassed as fuck is that she doesn't look that way
>start to relax
>"w.. what is that? what came out? is that the s.." she tries to remember the word, snaps her fingers. "semen?"
>chuckle, shift myself up and look for the towel. "yeah, it was.. cum, semen, whatever you wanna call it."
>find towel, turn back and out of the corner of my eye i catch em licking the palm of her hand
>"what are you-"

>"oh. oh groth!" she's sticking her tongue out and spots the towel, grabbing it before i use it and wipes her tongue off, spitting at it.
>"what the fuck was that? what did you"
>lightbulb
>"em, that wasn't.." i look down at myself, the cum starting to run down since i sat up
>"you didn't."
>she's got this disgusted look on her face as she answers, sort of, still spitting. "eugh, i wish i hadn't. that tastes nothing like how i taste."
>she freezes.
>i'm processing what she just said, and literally start grinning despite myself.
>em is redder than ever.
>"like.. how.. you taste?" i am holding back laughter.
>she is frowning, blushing, pouting, she is adorable.
>"SHUT UP!" claps her hand around her mouth, quieter. "shut up! i was curious! it was after one night and i was curious."
>in the back of my mind, i am curious as well, please be quiet, me. wave away the thought.
>"yours is SO gross. is that normal?"
>take the towel from her and start to clean myself up, fuck it's everywhere.
>admittedly, i did the same damn thing she did when i discovered yanking my crank
>"yes, it's normal. apparently if you eat fruits it gets sweete.."
>"then eat more fruit, ugh!"
>laugh. "why, you planning on tr.."
>foot in mouth
>"planning what?" trying it again.
>"nothing." subject change. "ugh, i need a shower."
>em squints at me like i was holding something back, stop being so god damned clever and let it go. she does.
>looks down at my crotch again, now that i'm soft. "so that's what it looks like normally?"
>"y.. yes, i can't be walking around with a.. rod poking out of my jeans all the time, can i?"
>she contemplates this, i guess the image makes her laugh "no, guess not."
>finally cover myself, got most of it all off as i stand up and off the bed, at least it all went on ME and not anywhere else
>"alright, time for a shower, and you need to get ready for bed."
>clock says nearing 1am
>"god, so do i." i am going to be shit at school, work, contemplate calling in on both.

>toss towel to hamper, look for my boxers and grab them, put em on
>em is strangely quiet
>look her way and she's blushing again, what is it now? she's masturbated with me, i've done the same, she's seen me head to toe buck ass naked, what in the hell is making this girl blush?
>"em, did you hear me? you need to change your underw"
>"i want a shower too."
>my head drops as i sigh, i'm not getting this girl in bed until 2 at tops. fuck. but she is probably sweaty and feeling gross.
>"alright fine, you go first, i'll wait til you"
>"with you."
>eyes open, staring at the bed, and i can NOT look at her right now.
>minutes pass.
>"em, no."
>she was ready for this answer. "why not! i've seen you head to toe, naked, you've seen m--" i hadn't, she knows this, backs up, tries again.
>"anon you have touched me i.. inside and out. what is the problem?"
>"i told you, we are to be clothed in bed when we're together."
>she gives me this look as i'm standing in my boxers after being naked in front of her like: fucking really?
>"you were clothed."
>"you weren't!"
>"that doesn't matter."
>"plus it's not the bed! it's the shower! and we'll get done faster, and we'll save water, and get to sleep faster because we did those things."
>look, i just came, em, please don't put this shit in my brain, not now, not
>"ALRIGHT." said too loud, she notices too, though she is grinning ear to ear
>i rub my face and walk over to the bathroom and turn on the light. "alright, fuck it. screw it, i mean.. fine."
>i am tired, i am spent, i am dirty, i just want a shower and to go to bed and to get my little damn manipulative sister to bed.
>and she is full of fucking energy, god i feel more of an old man in that moment than i do today writing this
>if i didn't see her walk happily to me i would have sworn she was skipping

---

>sink, toilet, half bath half shower, normal bathroom.
>turn on the water, wait for it to get hot as em enters
>switch to shower, pull the curtain, turn to her
>"you, stand in front, facing the faucet. me behind you. no turning around, no peeking."
>she nods
>"okay. turn around now, get undressed, and get in."
>she tugs off her shirt and her ridiculously wet panties and throws them in the corner, turning and getting in the shower, i only see a side profile
>sigh, throw boxers with her clothes, pause, ponder slapping myself, then finally get in
>to where em is, facing me, grinning
>she gets a full body scan of me, and i of her before i reach out and turn her ever-so-slowly towards the front of the tub
>"i told you, this way."
>"yeees sirrr" in a singsong voice
>she starts lathering her hands and arms while i take the removable showerhead (these things fucking rock) and wetting myself down
>eyes closed, burned in image of her body. she has bigger breasts than i remembered touching, maybe she was laying back.
>pubes barely invisible, but there and blonde, like her hair.
>her skin is pale, pure, and cleaSTOP IT
>eyes open, hand the wand to em so she can rinse, lather myself up in one go (i do body, face, then hair. dunno why. em does too.)
>"thank yooooou."
>she is enjoying the FUCK out of this
>we finish about the same time, face next, hand her the washcloth, all very businesslike, yessir.
>"can you wash my hair? i like it when someone else does it."
>shrug, can't argue that logic, salons are wonderful places
>"sure, hang on."
>grab shampoo, put a bit more in my hand than i would for myself and slap it playfully on the top of her head, i hear a "HEY!" in response

>"hush." start massaging and gently scratching her scalp, working it in and you could SEE her just sort of melt and give a "mm." sound.
>long hair is a bitch, rub it between the palms of my hands down to the end, work up to the base of her skull and give her a few more massaging works with my fingers up behind her ears
>figure that's pretty much got it, grab the wand, hold my hand over her eyes to shield them and start rinsing front to back
>then she does it
>it was simple, she just took one step back and rest her head on my chest as it rinsed off, pressing her back against my stomach.
>"thank you, anon. not just for this."
>pause in rinsing her hair, but keep the wand on both of us so we don't get cold.
>"if i didn't have you, i don't think i'd have anyone."
>"dad doesn't pay attention to me like he did. no one really does. his wife, and that brat hate me, you know that they hate YOU."
>i don't say anything, my hearing alternating between the wand showerhead and her, my hand on her shoulder now.
>my heart aches
>she sniffs
>oh fuck me don't start, i can't take it myself, start blinking my eyes
>"hey. hey, stop." i loop my arm around her neck and rest my hand on her other shoulder, my head next to hers
>she's right on all counts but i can't tell her that
>"you know he loves you, and you know i love you. that's all that matters, and i will always be there for you, whenever, whereever you need me."
>small nod
>"he wants to impress her, and she wants to be spoiled, which, unfortunately, leaves you and me out of it but maybe that's a good thing, it means you and i can be closer."
>like teaching your sister how to masturbate close?
>shut the fuck up mind
>"so never let yourself cry over something like that, that you can't control."

>instead of a nod, she whips around, links her arms around my neck and pulls herself onto her toes, pressing her mouth hard against mine before i can stop her, and i drop the wand, stepping back against the opposite end of the shower
>she has me pinned, tilting her head to make the kiss deeper and even starting to push her tongue into my mouth
>stretch my hands out at my side, wondering how to deal with this, we did say kissing is okay but clothes on but this isn't the bed but she's naked
>STOP.
>my hands are fucking shaking but i do it, i slide my arms under hers and press my forearms, my hands flat against her back and pull myself into the kiss
>she parts the kiss for a millisecond to gasp at my touch before continuing
>every nerve in my body is on fire, reaching out for some sort of contact with her
>my hand slides up along the nape of her neck, oh jesus she is soft in a way that i will never be
>she's needy, insistent, she does the same thing, grabbing my hair in the back and holding my lips to hers with a little grunt of impatience
>my mind is a blank slate, all i see is white
>i turn and press her back against the side wall, my arms hitting the cold tile instead of her back, the kiss parts with an "ah!" and we breathe 'at' eatch other, she's looking at my lips, i'm looking at her eyes
>she looks up at me
>"again."
>i look at her lips.
>"please."

>my eyes close and i do. god help me, i do. and another piece of resolve cracks. another piece of that wrapper is untied and falls to the floor. and i don't know if i can get it back. i don't know if i want it back.
>i know, in this moment, what i do want, and i have it.
>i grab her still lathered hair and clench my palm, pulling her into me, and her arms tighten around my neck, one running down the top of my spine
>who is this girl?
>her touch is electrifying
>i'm hard again, which doesn't surprise me in the least and i don't care, the world could end around me and i wouldn't notice
>it's pressed uncomfortably between us, as i'm unwilling to be any farther away from her
>instead i break off the kiss for a moment and wrap my arms right above her hips and hoist her up, NOW pressing her back against the cold tile
>she gives a sharp gasp in surprise or chill and places her hands on my shoulders before realizing where she is
>she locks her legs behind me, her ankles linked and she stares down at me for a moment, panting, catching her breath, now taller by a foot
>now stable, she reaches out and cups my cheeks, her thumbs run along my cheekbones, tilting her head with a smile
>she sniffs again and i can see her eyes start to water, my face falls, a chill running down my spine, no, no no no, what? what is it?
>"no.. what is it? what's wrong?"
>but she's still smiling, and large, continuous tears run down her cheeks, but shes still fucking smiling and my brain is breaking WHAT DO I FUCKING DO WHAT DID I DO?
>...
>"i'm in love with you."

>the wand in the tub is pushing itself off the wall and thumping back to the side, again and again
>all the air has gone out of me, someone has just punched me in the stomach but there is no pain
>i swallow, take a breath
>how long have i been staring into her eyes?
>i'm wet and she is too, but i'm not cold
>if anything everything about me feels warm
>SAY SOMETHING GOD DAMMIT
>open mouth, inhale and swallow again
>"i am too, em." (used her full name)
>she breaks, i break, she wraps her arms around my head and presses her cheek to the top of my head, my cheek pressed against her chest
>i can hear her heartbeat, her sobs of joy, her laughing, all from the inside and the out
>there are tears running down my face too, but i'm not sad, the last time i cried was the funeral
>she gives a huge sniff and pushes my head back, tilting it up to look at her which only makes her body jerk again in laughing sobs when she sees MY face
>leaning down to me, she holds the back of my head softly and presses her lips to mine. not the fevered kiss we had moments ago, but gentle, deep, and it's like it.. feels like something's different
>have you ever been in love? do you remember the first time you kissed him or her, and how it felt?
>that you knew this was different?
>that you knew that everything was going to change?
>that you would do anything for this person?
>i do.

>her arms link around my neck, not as tight, not as impatient, not as fevered. comfortable. she strokes the nape of my neck softly as we kiss
>i run my tongue alongside hers, playfully bite down gently on hers and grin into the kiss, she grins back, we keep going
>finally after what seems like ages, she leans back, and look up at her.
>she's so young, she's so beautiful. i don't think of this as bad anymore. i can't. not when i feel this way. and another crack in the resolve forms. and i don't care.
>i turn and set her down in front of me, and back on planet earth, i'm still intrigued at our height difference.
>i reaches up with both my hands, like she did, and cup her cheeks. she smiles and leans into one palm, kissing it as my thumbs run under her eyes, wiping her tears away.
>"i have for a while, em."
>she gives me a surprised look, then tilts her head.
>"since when?"
>"the day you found.." how to word this.. "well, my porn stash."
>she laughs, remembering.
>"the first time you kissed me."
>her laugh stops, she smiles fondly
>"i remember."
>"i do too."
>that's all that needed to be said. i lean down and grab the wand of the showerhead again, hold my hand under it, water's about to go cold, need to make this fast.
>with her in front of me, looking at me, i look at her hair and she links her arms around my waist as i rinse the rest of her hair 'til it's no longer soapy.
>mine is already starting to dry so i dunk my head under the stream and grab my shampoo
>"you can do mine when we have hot water." and start really scrubbing the hell out of my hair as fast as i really can. my eyes are closed but em later told me she just stood and watched, taking in eyefuls of my body. sneaky little..
>dunk my head under the water, not quite frigid but getting there and rinse as fast as possible
>fucking shivering by the time that i'm done and i hear em squealing now and then when the water hits her, which i could do things with.. but not now.

>lean around her and hit the lever, shower stops, replace wand
>yank open the curtains and quickly grab two towels, holding one out to her and trying to dry my freezing ass off as quick as possible
>she simply wraps it around her torso, grinning at me
>right, women have "rituals"
>finally dry, i hook the towel around myself like before and step out of the bathroom, picking out the bathroom things em has in the pile that little fucker threw in here
>set them on the counter and she leans over and kisses my cheek "thank you."
>point to the hairdryer "not tonight, if you can help it, or at least keep it low. too loud."
>she nods and i picked out one of my shirts, too big for her, and a clean pair of underwear and hold it out
>she takes them and i go to find boxers, she closes the door a bit so there's a sliver of light left
>dresser, boxers, boom, done, being a guy is easy as hell
>use the towel to dry my hair a little bit more and comb it out and back (don't need a hairdryer, it air-dries along the part which is convenient and em has always hated how simple i have it)
>sit on the edge of the bed and look at it
>where she was in my lap a moment ago, where i was in front her a moment ago
>reality is coming back
>what am i doing
>where is this going
>WHAT ARE YOU DOING
>WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO
>STOP
>practicality.
>em's clothes are going to be wrinkled if they stay like that
>this is something i can take care of, right here, right now.
>kneel in front of the pile and start folding her shirts, skirts, shorts, pants, girls have so many different things
>setting them aside, what kind of dresser should i get?

>the door opens, and em, stark naked, stands backlit by the bathroom light, which sort of blinded me
>she clicks the light off after seeing me squint and steps forward, kneeling down with me across the pile, starting to fold clothes
>did i see that right? i close my eyes and rub them, the burned in image of a silhouette isn't helping
>keep my eyes closed as i keep folding (i'm good at this shit, been doing my laundry for 6 years now at this point)
>finally open them and look her direction
>i saw that right.
>i pause for a bit, looking at her, her hair's slicked back, drying a bit, she's concentrating on folding the clothes
>i am, unfortunately, perving out looking at her chest, down her stomach, her thig
>"quit staring."
>i jump and look up at her, she's not even looking at me, but she is grinning like the god damned devil girl that she is
>"i wasn't staring." resume folding
>"liar."
>if she looked up, she'd see my blushing and confirm it, but she doesn't, she just keeps smiling and working through the pile.
>finally we finish up, there's only a few trivial items, notebooks, backpack, lotions, some of her medication (nothing serious)
>i gather the small items up and stand, putting them on my dresser for now, which is ridiculously empty
>picture of mom, keys, wallet, phone.. then i look at her stuff and how it's now part of it all and it feels.. good. something so trivial
>i look at the picture and can't help but wonder if she's disapproving. what she would say. she loved us both and em was a miracle to her.
>the thoughts start coming back, what am i doing? what are you doing? WHAT ARE YOU
>i feel arms wrap around me, her chest against my lower back and her cheek against my spine and i freeze
>but more importantly those thoughts freeze

>"i don't think she would mind."
>get out of my mind, charles
>"what? what do you mean?"
>"mom." she lets me go and steps back as i turn around to look down at her
>"what do you mean?" i repeat
>her smile falls a little as she shrugs. "i mean who cares about me? really, when you think about it. dad cares a little but it doesn't feel like it matters."
>she looks up at me. "but you."
>i hold my hand up in front of myself, nodding. i don't need to go down that path again. "alright. yes. but you do know why i feel.. guilt.. over this, right?"
>"because we're related."
>"because she's gone, and she gave birth to both of us, em. and she's not here, and even then, i still want to make her proud."
>she thinks about this for a moment then walks over to the bathroom and picks up the t-shirt i gave her, walking back
>"but aren't you though? except for this one thing? you're a good student, a good worker, a good brother, very good." she waggles her eyebrows and i can't help but laugh.
>"you are self-sufficient, you are happy, and most of.. all.." she struggles and finally pokes her head through the shirt. it makes her look smaller.
>"you care for me. like no one else."
>i can't deny that, so i nod.
>"so i don't think mom would be upset over this." wait did she put on her.. she walks over to the bed and leans over, pulling the covers back. i should say bends over because no, she did NOT put her panties back on, god dammit. i look away quickly.

em: "OH YEAH, i knew exactly what i was doing. sorry babe." kisses my cheek, goes back to making dinner. conniving bitch.

>but what she's saying isn't incorrect. i glance back at the picture, then to her, she's waiting, looking at me with her head tilted

>how did it go? if this is wrong, i don't want to be right? and another crack in the resolve. i take a deep breath and nod, holding up my finger to her for a moment as i unwedge the chair from under the knob and put it back next to my desk
>door stays locked because that's par for the course with me living in this house with all these shitheads
>walk back over to her and she's already raising her arms to drape over my shoulders, pressing her face against my chest. i reach up and slide my hand along her drying hair
>i glance at the clock. it's three in the morning.
>"how good are you at feigning being sick?"
>she looks up at me with a confused look on her face and i nod to the clock. she looks and kinda grimaces.
>"i can be convincing."
>"good, me too, cos i'm not going in tomorrow. and neither are you."
>she brightens up immediately at this. brat at school, hambeast at work, father at work. i roll my eyes and put my entire palm across her face and shut her down playfully.
>"not because of that. because we'll both be useless."
>a muffled "i know" comes from under my hand
>turn my hand and cup her cheek, leaning down and pressing my lips against her forehead
>"time for bed."
>she nods and turns, crawling in first, stuffing herself down under the covers thank god no panties devil girl hnnng.
>i slide in next to her and she's on me immediately, clung to my chest like i was the cure for cancer and about to disappear
>she's put on lotion, mixed with the scent of clean laundry, and her. everyone has their unmistakable scent. it calms me down.
>with her in tow, i turn back a little and click off the lamp
>just laying there with her in the dark
>i can hear her breathing, feel her heartbeat
>she's got her ear to my chest, i'm sure she can hear mine.
>we stay like that for a bit before she shifts and puts her head on the same pillow as me, now i can feel her breathing on my lips

>i can't tell if her eyes are open or closed, mine haven't adjusted yet
>she's staring right at me
>she reaches up and runs her hand along my jawline, just staring at me, smiling just a bit.
>i lean over and she places her palm flat against my cheek as i kiss her, not deep, just soft, long. i lean back and rest my forehead against hers.
>"i love you, em."
>she smiles, her chest jumping as if it was almost going to turn into a laugh. she's looking at my lips again.
>she looks up at me.
>"i love you too, robs."

---

>awakened at 7am by hambeast jr. banging on the door, jerk awake, em groans and pushes away from me, a bit, waking up herself "what is that.."
>blink awake, get bearings
>squint at the light coming through my windows as hambeast jr. bangs again
>"alright ALRIGHT! hang on, hang on."
>why is my thigh sticky?
>where is my robe, robes make everyone who looks sick even worse
>remember where i am, what i am doing, what we're doing, and what i'm going to have to do, and i grab em's shoulder, shaking it a bit
>"em, em wake up."
>"nnnuhh."
>"em we have to fake being sick, wake UP."
>she's up like a light. "okay what? what? i'm awake, i'm awake."
>look around the room then grin down at her. "slap me. both hands, really hard."
>she gets this confused look on her face. it's too early for logic apparently. "what?"
>i grab her hands and hold them up near my cheeks. "do it, as hard as you can. don't think, just do it." i tilt my chin back and up, waiting, squinting.
>jesus christ she makes me see stars but i don't say that. "p.. perfect." and i grab my robe and stumble over to the door, shaking my head clear.
>almost close my eyes, sniff, open the door to stare at that fat fuck face of hambeast jr. who recoils at me
>"e.. em needs to go to school."
>i snort as loud as i can and close my nostrils when i talk.
>"em caught somedink at school and gabe it to me." snifff.
>hambeast jr. recoils in horror. "ew! get away from.."
>i cough, hard, enough to make me gag, right in her fucking face.
>she screams bloody fucking murder and runs the hell away, wiping her face and i shut the door, nearly buckling over in laughter.
>we both hear her scream "ROBS COUGHED ON ME HE AND EM ARE SICK THIS IS SO GROSS"
>click the door locked just in case
>wait

>em is looking at me, confused, i hold my finger to my lips, quiet.
>nothing
>no sound of feet up the stairs
>front door closes, i move to the window and look out
>father, hambeast, jr getting in the car
>breathe a sigh of relief and walk to my dresser, grab my phone
>call my school, call her school, call work, toss phone. done. shrug off my robe and toss it over the bedframe, sit down with my back to my dresser as em looks at me.
>"can we go back to sleep?" from me, i'm exhausted. four hours of sleep.. i can function on 5, always have been, but anything under and i'm gone.
>she looks exhausted too, nods and beckons me over
>i literally crawl my way over to the bed and struggle (well, fake struggle) up onto the mattress, she giggles a bit
>squirm my way down into the covers and pop my head out, thump it down on the pillow next to her
>yawn, big, in her face, she pushes my head away and i end the yawn with me biting down on her fingers lightly
>grin around them, but my eyes are so fucking tired. hers are too. she pulls her fingers out. i lean over and press my lips to hers softly.
>"just sleep."
>she nods, closes her eyes
>i spend a few minutes watching her. i'm a total mouthbreather sleeper. she has her lips closed, breathing through her nose, her chest rising and falling.
>my fingers stretch and clench, don't, she's going to sleep.
>i drape my arm around her side and she smiles a bit
>sleep.
>ten am, three hours more sleep, i wake, eyes open. usually naturally it's like a snap of the fingers. always been that way.
>she's still there, her arm under mine around me
>her shirt's bunched up around her chest, making the BECK text come out as E-K
>reach down and pull it gently down along her body, ACUTELY RECOLLECT SHE IS NOT WEARING PANTIES

>hands off, lean back a bit
>'go on, look.'
>shut my eyes, please don't, where are you conscience
>'she's asleep. what is the harm?'
>please.

em: "I REMEMBER THIS"

>conscience loses, if it were ever an option, i push myself up and slide the covers back, she's on her side in front of me, still sleeping
>lips are a thin line, reach out and push her hip to the side, she rolls onto her back, look quickly up at her face.. still dead asleep.
>what are you doing
>stop doing this now
>my hand barely presses on her knees and spread them apart
>WHAT ARE YOU DOING
>STOP DOING THIS NOW
>it's done already, quiet
>my sister is bottomless, sleeping, and spread eagle in front of me.
>i sit back on my heels and just look, just to start. bottom up. her feet are adorably small, size 5? 6? god mine are huge compared to hers
>she hadn't ever shaved her legs, just the tiniest amount of peach fuzz along her calves and thighs, blonde, like all of her.
>confused, i'm dirty blonde, but everything below my neck is brown. different genes?
>the crook of her thigh, torso meets body, that thin crease.
>i'd seen it before, but never like this, her thin, tight slit. right there.
>pubes above it, barely, not even much of that. just a sharpie line right down the middle of her
>WHAT ARE YOU DOING
>i tilt my head, the air seems to be getting to her, goosebumps appear along her skin, everywhere, i can even watch them move up along her thigh
>hands on either side of her hips as i lean over her, looking up to where the shirt covers, right above her navel
>eyes keep going down between her legs
>she will KILL YOU
>lean down closer, a foot away, i can see the goosebumps clearly on her skin
>it's right in front of me, totally expos
>"morning."
>fuck.

---

>glance up, my eyes lock with hers, she has this smug little smirk on her face and puts her arms behind her head, tilting it down to look at me better
>"and what were you doing down there?"
>my fingers clench just a little, i can't pull my gaze from hers, deer in headlights
>"you owe me, now, you know."
>that snaps me out of it and i push up, back on my heels. "what! what does that mean?"
>she laughs and pushes her hair back from her face, grinning up at me.
>"you got your look, didn't you? i haven't."
>look? what does she
>i'm suddenly on my back with her on top of me, holding my wrists like it could do anything, she knows i'm stronger.
>the shirt drapes down in front of her, neck to crotch, through the neckhole, i see, and can't take my eyes off of her.
>"eyes up here."
>she sits back on my thighs and pulls the shirt off, tossing it to the floor, sitting bare-fucking-naked on me
>"look."
>i am boring a fucking hole in the wall next to the bed, determined to NOT do that.
>"robs. look."
>"no."
>"why not? you were happy to do it when you thought i was asleep."
>"em.."
>she starts hooking her fingers in my boxers, tugging them down. i grab her wrists and pull them away. "no! stop that, what are you doing?"
>"then look!"
>my grip softens on her wrists, and my hands slide overtop of hers. resigning again, another crack in the resolve.
>"em."
>"please?"
>that grip around my heart tightens, she could make me murder with that one word
>i turn and look up at her, at her face, at her eyes, she's looking down at me.
>"here i am."
>i hesitate to look anywhere else, but she gives the slightest of smiles, she's nervous, i can feel it behind her expression
>"please look at me, robs."
>"i am."

>she closes her eyes and shakes her head, her hair falls around her shoulders.
>"like you were looking at me when you thought i was asleep."
>like a pervert? no.. scientist? no.
>like you want to know every inch of her?
>i look back up at her, and nod. "alright."
>sit up, slide my arm around the small of her back and lay her down in front of me, her legs to one side.
>she clenches her fists and i shake my head, taking one and threading my fingers through hers, looking down at her
>"you wanted this, right?"
>she nods, looking back at me.
>"and you know i'd never do anything you-"
>she arches her back and yells out at the ceiling "GET ON WITH IT"
>before thumping back down. i can't help but grin at how fucking embarrassed she is.
>i hold up my free hand to her. "am i allowed to touch you?"
>conscience is back WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOI
>honestly, and em can attest to this, she said she felt the same way, that it was gone, it was all gone. there wasn't any resistance anymore.
>this is where i stopped caring.
>there's no conscience anymore. i'm done with that. i don't know her side, but i'm done. this girl loves me, and i love her, and i would die for her.
>i think before all this i would have done the same, but in a different aspect, this is different.
>i'm not ashamed anymore. not in this moment. i'm sure i will be later but not now. not right now. i'll have my moments.
>but this is it, this is where i'm lost. only in the sense of being lost in another person and i am head over fucking heels. i'm gone.
>she looks at my hand, then back to me, nodding slightly, and i place my hand against her stomach gently, she tenses like i've touched her with an ice cube

>it's strange, there is nothing sexual about this. at least right now. i feel the goosebumps on her skin, my fingertips on her
>i start sliding my hand along her stomach, my fingertips dipping into her navel, up along the bottom of her ribcage which makes her gasp, my thumb runs along the lower bones under her skin, mapping her out.
>my fingers curl around the curve of her side and my palm moves up along her chest, against one nipple, fingertips along her collarbone, down the other side, the other nipple under my palm
>i'm not even looking at her at this point, my eyes are on the back of my hand
>her hips are sticking out, such sharp angles, my fingers run over one, tilting my head. does she need to eat more? no, she's laying on her back, mine do that too..
>i curl my fingers down along her thigh, and i laugh slightly, i can SEE the goosebumps appearing as i run along her skin, down to her knee
>i dig my finger in a bit, her shinbone, the inside, i run down along it, and curl around the top of her foot
>start on the other side, sliding up along her calve instead of the shin, up under her knee and she jerks back, hiking it up a bit. note to self, back of knee.
>i run both of my hands under the backs of her thighs, stopping at the curve of her ass to hoist her up in my lap, holding her with her legs spread on either side, her hands on my shoulders.
>i'm not really thinking at this point, em told me later what i did, all i really remember is that it was.. like a direct line of fingertips to brain? nothing in between? does that make sense?
>"robs."
>"robs, look at me."
>command obeyed, i look at her. she's flushed and breathing heavy. she later said i looked confused.
>"what?"
>"stop for a second."
>i tilt my head. "why?"
>"just.. wait.."

>she's panting, why is she panting? i look down her body, she's wet, and honest to god, at that point, i had no idea what i did. she filled me in later, but at that moment, i didn't know, so i started to pull away
>"em.."
>she grabs my arm and shakes her head, catching her breath, holding it tight. i don't make a move, i don't say anything until she finally looks at me.
>"go on."
>my hand slides up along her chest, she's so thin, the fingertips thump against her ribcage until i reach her collarbone
>i curl my fingers down over her shoulder, the one holding my arm, both hands dig into her skin, pulling at it, over the elbow and along her forearm
>she's staring at me, i glance from holding her hand in both of mine to her eyes, my thumbs slide along her fingers, each one, she's just watching me.
>i turn her hand in mine, she's limply holding it up as i look at it before putting it on her own stomach, she doesn't move it, she's passive in all of this.
>there's nothing left but neck up
>i glance at the clock, 10:30
>i close my eyes, five hours. i'm doing this and i have five hours left with her, on our own.
>jesus this is the worst idea ever, please don't
>she reaches up and slides her fingers through my hair, her palm cups my cheek, and i look at her wrist, she moves further up, pulling out along my hair, seeing how long it is.
>"you need a haircut."
>i have my wet, naked sister in my lap, and she is telling me that i need a haircut. i turn my head into her hand and close my eyes.
>honestly, that's exactly what goes through my head, how can you explain that?
>"damn you.."
>"damn me?"
>i open my eyes and she has this impish little grin on her face
>"this isn't fair, em."
>she pulls her hand back from my cheek, i look down at her.
>"you're right."
>she hooks her fingers in my boxers and push them down as much as she can without having to get up off of my lap and yes, of course, i am hard. who wouldn't be?

>i lift one hand and grab the waistband and try to pull them back up and she grabs my wrist with both hands, they barely circle my arm. she's pushing with all her might.
>"nnnnope.. nope! i'm naked, you.. hnf.. have to be!"
>once again, one yank and i'm free of her grip
>once again, one yank and i'm free
>once again, one yank
>once again, i am fucking stupid, i am SO FUCKING STUPID, and i let her.
>she shoves my wrist down, boxers with them. i grab her hips and lean up on my knees, she uses her feet to push them down
>briefly stand up, they drop to the floor before i kneel back down on the bed and she sits on my thighs.
>she leans forward, my cock dangerously closer to her, i try and lean back but she pulls me with her shoulders and places a kiss against my temple whispering:
>"my turn."
>"your turn, what do you" (robs, look at me)
>"what? no! you've seen me, you've even seen me have an orgasm, isn't that enough?"
>she's giving me a childish pout. "yeah, but i didn't get to touch you like you just did."
>"the shower wasn't enough?"
>she shakes her head
>i take a deep breath and sit her down in front of me, nodding and shrugging at the same time
>"alright, you're right. go ahead."
>"on your back"
>as if my hard-on isn't visible enough, sure! why not.
>i pull my legs out from under me and lie back on the bed, my head on the pillows, flagpole of a dick just sticking right up
>and of course she's staring right at it
>"close your eyes."
>"not a chance."
>she sorta waddles over on her knees and reaches out, placing her tiny hand over my vision
>"close. your. eyes."
>"why?"
>"because it's embarrassing."
>sigh. relent. "fine." eyes shut.
>i don't hear much except the sheets, and feel the weight as she moves down a bit. the pillow shifts and i'm about to open my eyes when i feel her hair tickling the sides of my face, her breath on my lips

>i part my lips slightly and she goes for it, her mouth on mine, not fevered, but deep, her tongue slides into my mouth, exploring
>one hand drops down to my shoulder, then the other as she, still kissing me, positions herself on all fours over me, sitting down on my stomach gently as she breaks the kiss
>"mm, you passed."
>i raise an eyebrow but don't open my eyes.
>"wondered if you were going to look at me after i did that."
>"well, you wanted 'em closed, so, they're closed."
>she pats my head mockingly "good boy."
>i smirk "woof."
>she gives a giggle then settles down, she pushes my chin up a bit so i'm "staring" at the ceiling. both of her hands press softly against my neck and trace the muscles down to the collarbone, running her thumbs along it
>she's not as slow as i was with her, but then again there's more of me to cover
>both hands slide up one arm as she lifts it into her lap, tracing the veins. she pulls my hand open and places hers, palm to palm, against it, it only comes up to the first joint on my finger
>"your hands are so big.."
>sorta makes me smile, she curls my other fingers down like i'm pointing at her
>and i feel her mouth close around my fingertip, suckling more of it into her mouth, where the fuck did she learn this? television, probably
>her tongue swirls around it, tracing the faint lines where the joints are on the underside, before parting her lips and pulling my finger back, giving it one long, slow lick from base to fingertip
>i swallow, keeping my lip bit, and my composure shattered
>she doesn't say anything, just sits my hand back down on her thigh, palm down
>she places her hands on my chest, dragging her fingernails, not hard, just gently scraping them over my ribs, running her thumb over my nipple, then the other one
>"mm, not as exciting for guys, i suppose." she says, she sounds disappointed
>waist up, i'm practically hairless, waist down i'm not.

>i feel her lift up off me, swinging her leg back over with the other, oh thank god
>only to feel her sit higher up on my chest, her knees lower on either side of me, she's turned herself around. god dammit.
>and i'm sure looking right at my dick
>she pauses, i have no idea what the hell she is doing
>she gives a little bounce and i hear through her grin. "good boy. wanted to see if you'd open your eyes when i turned my back.
>at least she can't see my eyes roll, what, she doesn't trust me? "woof."
>i assume she turned back around, because she plants her hands on my stomach. at the time i wasn't actively working out, but i did work outdoors, so i was toned, at least. yay fast metabolism as well.
>her tiny fingers slide down into my navel like i did with hers, she brushes over it slowly, moving down through the hair that starts there
>and down
>she shifts forward from where she's sitting
>and down
>"em.."
>and down
>"em, you can't."
>her fingers start threading through my pubic hair, both hands.
>"em.." you're going backwards, not forwards, SAY MORE WORDS
>say nothing
>one of her hands lifts up and she almost timidly circles her grip around my cock, halfway up from the base
>i knew it was coming, but it made me inhale in a gasp through my nose, tensing up
>she pulls herself forward, keeping hold of my dick, sitting herself on my pelvis
>can feel her ragged breathing on top of me, she's not saying anything, just holding onto me, i pulse against her palm and i'm damn sure i'm leaking again
>her other hand comes down right on the tip, palm down against the top, closing her fingers softly around to the underside, handling it like she's going to break me or something
>take a breath and sit up behind her, pressing my bare chest against her back and she jumps with a small yelp, pulling her hands away from me and twisting to look at me

>i don't see her expression, my eyes are still closed but i find her hands with mine, she's balled them up into fists, simply hold them until she relaxes, and place her hands where they were, resting my hands on her hips
>she sinks back into me, resting her head under my chin, holding still before her lower hand slides down to the base, then back up underneath her other hand
>"can i open my ey--"
>"no!"
>tentatively do it again, her thumb rubbing against the edge of the tip
>"where does it feel the best? all over?"
>i reach down and clasp over her hand, moving it up to the tip, pressing her finger to rub softly right on the underside
>"but everywhere else, too. like you."
>"so that's like your.. clit?"
>laugh and lean my head back, thinking, she's started stroking her way back down
>"no, it's just that specific part feels the best when you're.. doing that"
>reality bitchslap STOP HER RIGHT NOW
>upstroke from em bitchslaps reality right back
>she's really just experimenting, not fast, not even slow, just up, and back down, i assume watching the reaction my body gives
>i circle my arms around her waist and hug her to me, just feeling her skin on mine is wonderful, i nuzzle down into her hair, her scent is intoxicating (em would be saying you sappy motherfucker if she were here)
>just a few of her strokes and i was so excited i could have popped right there if i wanted, now she's picking up speed, the last thing i need.
>she notices my faster breathing, connects the dots, really starts pumping her hand down around my cock
>"em.."
>"what, already?"
>no, em, it's guilt. i shake my head and don't say anything else. in my mind i'm sitting with my head in my hands, just staring at the ground
>the pre she's swiped over the tip is starting to make those lewd noises again, squelching a bit as she jerks

>i tighten my hold around her waist and bury my face against her neck, inhaling sharply as it starts building up
>she doesn't say anything, concentrating, her hand thumping against the base when she moves down
>shut my eyes hard, grit my teeth, and pant out in a groan as it comes.
>the first spurt surprises her and she jumps a little in my arms, not pointing it away, it hits her square in the chest, across both of my arms, but she doesn't stop, she saw me do it, and how i did it, and she doesn't stop
>the rest comes quickly, my cock jumping in bursts, splattering it over my arms and her stomach, me breathing heavily against the skin of her neck
>she slows down as it stops coming, milking out the last of my cum as it drools down me and along her fingers, but she hasn't let go yet, just resting at the base.
>my heart is racing, but my breathing is slowly returning to normal as she finally releases me from her grip.
>i had, at that point, never felt as guilty as i did at that moment and even now, looking back on it, i still feel guilty. it etches itself onto you, somehow.
>"well, we need another shower, i suppose?"
>i don't say anything, but nod, leaning up and opening my eyes. i don't look at her. my sister.
>she starts turning and crawling over to stand up but stops, looking at me, confused. i don't look at her. my sister.
>"robs, what's wrong?"
>"robs?"
>my eyes actually start to water up, and for the second time in twenty-four hours, i'm going to fucking cry. after an orgasm. how pathetic i felt.
>she sees this and goes to reach up with both hands, remembers one is dirty and touches my cheek with her dry one
>"robs, come on, what is wrong! tell me! look at me!"
>i do, right in her beautiful blue eyes and clench my teeth, giving a sad laugh as tears are rolling down my cheeks.
>she smiles a bit and thinks this was like last night, happy tears.

>they're not.
>the laugh forms into a similar sad smile and i simply say
>"we can't go back anymore, can we?"
>she tilts her head again, confused.
>"what do you.."
>"the way we were, not after this."
>getting it, she kneels in front of me, and drops her hands in her lap, looking at her fingers. i stare at the wall behind her over her head
>she's quiet for a few moments before saying softly:
>"do you want it to?"
>i swallow. do i? she knows how i feel, i know how she feels, if it were possible, could we stop this? would i want to?
>briefly, i consider saying yes. this isn't normal. you need normal. i'm going to destroy your childhood. i'm doing it already. i'm going to destroy this family. college? are you fucking kidding me? how could i leave her, doing things like this or not?
>"robs?"
>she's looking at me now, i look back down at her, in those large, worried eyes
>and i say
>"no, i don't. i think.." i take a deep breath and rub my eyes. "i think i'm just scared. for you. for us."
>she's confused again, but nods a bit. "why?"
>don't burden her with this, you fuckup. i shake my head and turn to stand, holding out my hand for her, she puts the clean one in mine and stands up. "just the future, is all. it's nothing to concern yourself with. if you're happy, that's all that matters, okay?" i look at my side down at her.
>she brightens a little and nods. "i'm happy, robs."
>"then that's all that matters."
>"are you?"
>the word is conflicted. as in being in love with her or not, i had to find that out in my own time, even if they conflicted, and i realized i love her, in that way. and now my happiness is conflicting with my guilt. i just have to wait for the former to overcome the latter. over time.
>i give her a smile and nod, squeezing her hand. "i'm happy, em."
>and we set off for another shower, yet again.

---

>fast forward a few weeks, birthday past, now 18
>nothing serious happens between us, guilt, or shame as i was told, fades, as it always does.
>still sleeping together, still clothed, still kiss, but at this point we're okay with masturbating in front of each other.
>she does it on her own, sometimes with, sometimes without me, and when she's with me, she's always looking at me. always, and i have to say that i do the same. it's habit by now.
>we don't touch each other when we do this, but occasionally she asks me to do it for her "like the first time" and this starts to become the norm as well
>she barely does it herself anymore, and she's always asking me to do it. i don't notice or care at the time, looking back, i was blind in love, i guess.
>shower together when we can, it gives em an excuse to touch me in places i normally shy away from ever since that day, but in the shower it's a little more comfortable.
>we do school, i do work, we go about our lives
>despite what i thought, i find myself filling out college applications, sending them out.
>mail was never a thought for me, what the hell would a minor get anyway? magazines maybe, but i never subscribed to any. started checking for response letters.
>junk, junk, bill, junk, bill, bill..
>what is this?
>i flip the envelope over, it's a standard looks-like-a-bill cellophane windowed envelope that you'd expect
>and it's addressed to em. her full name.
>i get confused and try and see through the window, it looks like a check, hold it up to the sun and try and see something, nothing.

>em gets checks from relatives on her birthday, but something official? maybe a bank account dad set up in her name for college? it's not unrealistic. but why a check? that doesn't make sense. stock dividends? sorry to say, my father isn't really very bright and doesn't know shit about the stock market and has a broker do all the work.
>get an idea, and walk inside to where we kept the mail, setting the sealed envelope back in with all the other mail, start sorting through them looking for similar things addressed to em
>dad and hambeast are bad with mail, really only the bills for that month are addressed, there's months here to sort through, and i see none addressed to em. was this the first one?
>shrug, and toss mail on counter, there were no letters from colleges anyway, i'll ask em when she gets home.
>em and i are in bed, she's reading, i'm on the laptop, like a fucking married couple already.
>i'm on yahoo and notice finance, suddenly remembering the check. i look over at her. "hey, i got a question."
>she looks up at me, "hm?"
>"have you ever signed a check?"
>"like the ones i get on my birthday? sure."
>"no i mean like a big one bigger than normal, like, the size of an envelope." and hold my hands out about the size of a business envelope.
>she looks, tilts her head back thinking, then shakes her head. "no, they've all been normal sized, like.." she mimes the size of a normal check, out of a pocket checkbook. "why?"
>this just leaves me more confused. and i turn back to the laptop. "no reason, i was just wondering. the checks i get for work are like that, it just popped into my head."
>"weirdo."
>and that's that. we sleep, life goes on.

>one week later, to the day, another check addressed to em. weird. put it on the mail.
>and another
>after the third week, i go back the day before another check is set to show up, and look through the mail. no stub, no envelope, poof.
>huh.
>i even went through the desk dad keeps all his important documents in in their room looking for something, nothing, so either they're being thrown away (never saw any in the trash), or they're somewhere else. my dad documents everything and a check for em would be important, right?
>frustrated, i give up, life goes on.

(i know, this doesn't sound important, but it is. very, very important.)

>october 6th, 1999. there is a specific reason i remember this.
>the checks keep coming, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore, and eventually i forget about them
>em was pissed at something that happened at school, i can't remember what it was, nothing except what she told me that night stuck with me. safe to say she was in a bad mood.
>doing homework at my desk, em is on the bed with the laptop, god knows what she's looking up, at this point i don't care, considering.
>i'm half-assing this homework, coasting anyway. i have decent grades, confident i can get into SOME sort of school, i'm not picky, i just filled out a bunch of applications and let the wind take them.
>i look up at the clock, 10:20pm. there is a specific reason i remember this.
>"can we talk?"
>i turn around and i look at em, who is strangely not on the laptop, but pulled her knees up under her chin and has wrapped her arms around them. she looks tiny.
>i figure it's about today and whatever went on at school, but she trusts me, so i'll indulge her. i push away from the desk and start walking over to her.
>"lock the door first."
>i look at her, then the door, shrug, click the lock closed.

>"and the chair."
>sexual stuff? "em, i don't have time to do that stuff with.."
>"that's not what this is about. please? just do it?"
>this is different. she knows when she or i want to do those things, we always use the chair just as a form of added security.
>i frown a bit, confused, but pull the chair over and hook it under the knob, it's late enough already that everyone's going to bed anyway.
>i walk over to her and she starts taking off her shirt
>"em, i told you i don't.."
>she whips the shirt off and glares at me in a mix of anger with her eyes watering. okay, now i'm worried. i crawl up on the bed and sit cross-legged in front of her. "em?"
>she doesn't say anything for a moment, and i don't push her
>finally she turns, on her left side, right around her ribcage is a sharp, small bruise, it's already yellowing around it, healing itself
>i inhale a hiss and reach out to touch it gently. "ooh, shit.. what happened? did you fall?" i look around the room at what she could have hit, bedpost, desk edge, it's not big enough to be something huge.
>"she hits me."
>i'm still looking around. "what? who.." comment loaded, processing.
>i turn back at her immediately, she's slumped in front of me, defeated.
>"someone did this to you?"
>the slightest nod
>i can feel it coming, starting with nausea in my stomach, i press
>"who?"
>she sniffs
>"our stepmom. this is the first visible one though.."
>my body tingles, every nerve is standing up, the hair on the back of my neck is standing up. my vision starts to shake.
>"when?" i can barely spout one syllable words.
>"a few days ago. remember when it was raining? i had tracked in a lot of water with my shoes."
>looking back, maybe this is why em wanted the door locked and barred. not to keep people out, but to keep me in. i am a step away from seeing red and losing it completely.

>she's looking at her hands in her lap, i'm looking at her hands in her lap, and i am shaking. violently. i barely get it out. "h.. how."
>em tilts her head and starts talking nonchalantly about it, as if she's used to it. she was used to it. i could tell in how she spoke.
>"usually it's her purse, that's almost always nearby, but sometimes it's like.. whatever she can get her hands on that won't leave a bruise." and she actually laughs. "one time she was so angry, she used one of the couch pillows! can you believe that? like that would do anything. no, it's like heavy, but broad thin.."
>i choke out "stop."
>"stop. please."
>have you ever thought about what you would do if someone killed your pet? or punched your mother in the face? skinned your cat? this is worse. this is so, so much worse.
>there is nothing, there is nothing in this world that i can describe that can describe the absolute seething, murderous, red-seeing, undeniable rage that i felt at that moment. even writing it out now, my vision starts to shake side to side, and i've had to take breaks to sit with em while writing it.
>i'm not looking at em, i'm not really looking at anything, all i can see are my hands around that fat fucking bitch's neck, strangling the ever loving life out of her AFTER i have fucking punched her unrecognizable and slammed her into the tile of the kitchen AFTER i have taken a knife to that fat fucking gut of hers AFTER i've
>"dad saw her doing it once."
>i'm going to throw up.
>i'm going to throw up, the rage is now absolute nausea, and i feel it coming. i move, but not fast enough, puking all over myself with the rest in the toilet, which, thank god, was up.

>i don't know when em showed up, but she was next to me, standing next to me, she was holding a cup of water and when i looked at her face, then looked at the bruise, i turned back to the toilet and dry heaved, i had nothing left.
>i wanted to punch something. i wanted to destroy that bitch, i wanted to murder my dad, the rage was coming back, and it was coming back hard.
>i watched my knuckles go white as i gripped the bowl of the toilet. evening news! son murders stepmother and father! and i wouldn't care. i would happily admit to it and fry with a smile on my face.
>"em, you need to leave. you need to leave the bathroom right now."
>"why? you're sick. i don't want to leave you."
>"because.. i would never hurt you, but.. i don't know what i'm going to do right now."
>"no, that's okay, i can start to clean up back.."
>"em, GO. please."
>"no."
>you know how when you're mad, maybe at work, or school, and you come home and it spills out onto your family? even if they didn't do anything? i felt it start.
>"em, you need to go, right. now." said through gritted teeth
>"no."
>"i'm not asking."
>i hear her take a deep breath and scream down at me "NO."
>she yells it at the top of her lungs, startling the fuck out of me, breaking the rage for just a moment, but it was enough.
>i look up to her, and i must look a god damned mess, i think briefly, no, she needs to go.
>i hear footsteps coming up the stairs, and i start to panic, the nausea starts again, and after throwing up, i am going nowhere.
>em stands there looking at me as my father knocks on the door. "everything okay in there?"
>she is having a standoff with me. she doesn't move, the cup of water in her hands, they look so small.
>he knocks again.

>i swallow, acid burning my throat.
>"alright." i say
>she turns and unhooks the chair, opens the door. i can't see her, but i hear her giggle. oh fuck, she's still topless. i don't hear anything about it, so i assume she just peeked around the corner. "it's okay, a spider crawled on me and robs got it off. he's flushing it now."
>i have the mind to at least flush the toilet, to add to her lie.
>"oh! okay, i was just checking. we're going to bed. you should be in bed by now too. sleep well, sweetie."
>the bile rises again.
>she closes the door, calmly hooking the chair under the knob and walking back to me, avoiding the mess on the bathroom floor
>i'm kneeling here, my head in a toilet, panting, fighting down nothing but bile and she's standing patiently next to me.
>once i'm confident i'm done, i push back and sit on my heels. em holds the water out to me. i can't look at her, but i take the cup.
>i rinse my mouth out and spit into the toilet, and sip at the water. i'm calming down.
>i blow my nose, cough, slowly regain my sanity.
>i look up at her, my patient, loving girl.
>she kneels in front of me and reaches out, wrapping her arms around my neck and i feel it coming. the rage isn't rage anymore, it's sadness. i've failed her.
>this time i can't hold it back and i am a bawling, sobbing mess. i bury my face into her neck and let it out, all of it, endlessly. she doesn't say a word, she just holds me.

(i'm walking to em on the couch and just sitting here, with her, she'll hold me periodically, she knows the part i'm at. i knew this would be hard, but i didn't figure it would be this hard.)

>many tissues, red eyes, and hugs later, i finally calm down and lean back against the wall opposite her.
>i am cornered and defeated.

>think, robert.
>what can i do?
>think, robert.
>what's the point?
>WAKE UP YOU FUCKING USELESS PIECE OF SHIT AND THINK.
>leave.
>we have to leave.
>and we have to leave soon.
>i have the money i saved from work. no one else can access that, that's almost ten thousand dollars. my checking has a few hundred in it.
>we go at night.
>we can go to xxxx, that city's not far from here.
>i push up from the floor and sit up straight against the wall, em looks at me.
>i'm eighteen now, no one will care.
>she's thirteen.
>yes but.
>no, you need to find something or they'll just take her away.
>do it anyway.
>you've watched enough crime shows to know they'll find you.
>leave the state
>they'll find us
>leave the country
>who the fuck wants to live in some shithole country that doesn't speak english and DOESN'T have an extradition treaty with the US?
>FUCK
>FUCK
>FUCK
>"robs?"
>silence.
>i look up at her.
>"are you okay now?"
>i take a deep breath and look at her, i will kill everyone in this house before anyone lays another hand on this girl. i exhale.
>...
>"i'm okay"

---

>clean bathroom, em helps
>shower, without em for once.
>sit in the tub and let the water run over me, god i feel smaller than she is and she's handling it better than i am
>think.
>you need to get her out, think.
>think.
>all options of leaving are out, they'll find you.
>quiet.
>clean, i step out of the shower, and she's there with a towel. i take it and dry myself off.
>she pushes me on the toilet and starts combing my hair back, she knows how it goes. she's humming a song, i know it, i try not to listen.
>she pulls out the hairdryer and plugs it in, walking over to me, i hold up a hand and she slaps it away. "em.."
>"hush." she uses my words against me.
>she parts my hair in the middle, like it air dries, blowing down along my head, i'm stoic, staring at her feet, she's still humming
>how can she be so nonchalant about all this?
>how do i get her out?
>she turns my head, blowing the hairdryer along the back, i stare at the wall.
>"em.."
>"hush."
>i have nothing left. everything physical is in the toilet, flushed away, everything emotional is devoid and gone. every thought is now how to get away, and nothing is coming.
>the hairdryer clicks off and she tilts my head up to her, i see her, but don't, it's like seeing through someone. she nods and puts the hairdryer up.
>"do you want to go to bed?" she asks
>i'm staring at the shower curtain. i told her i was okay. yeah, this is the face of okay.
>"come on."
>she curls her hand in mine and i look at her, like it's the first time, and she pulls. i stand up and follow her.
>she walks to the bed and pushes me onto it, i crawl onto it, on her side, not mine, not against the wall, and i lay on my back and stare at the ceiling.
>i think back, and i at that time, i felt a shell of a man. i felt nothing, i think it was a defense mechanism, think nothing or break.
>she crawls in on my side and wraps an arm around my waist, and i blink. i remember this.

>i finally speak: "what are we going to do?"
>she laughs, she actually laughs and rests her forehead against my shoulder. "who cares?"
>that breaks me out, i look down at her, she is grinning, her head against my shoulder. who cares? how could she say that?
>i am happy, and i am heartbroken. she is with me, and happy. she is breaking my heart by the fact that she is okay with the abuse. welcome back to reality. i need to get her out of here. nothing else matters.
>i turn and she looks up at me, obviously happy i'm not in a comatose state anymore like i was. i reach up and push her hair back like she did mine, out of her face, she closes her eyes and gives me an adorable smile.
>i slide my hand behind her head and she opens her eyes, looking at mine. i've made my decision.
>"we're leaving, em."
>she looks confused for a moment, then gets it. she always was a smart girl. "where then?"
>what a loaded question. i shake my head. "anywhere but here."
>"but what about school? i mean won't dad call the police? we can't just run away."
>she's right, they'd look for me, they'd DEFINITELY look for her.
>i shake my head clear of everything. i'm in no condition to think about this.
>i press my lips to her forehead and mumble. "leave it up to me, okay?" i have no idea what i am doing. "i will figure something out." i hope i will. "let's just go to sleep, okay?" sleep is the last thing on my mind.
>but i do, i finally sleep, after this horrific day, after all that she has told me, i sleep. uneasy, she told me, i kept jerking around in her grip she said later, but i slept.
>4 days later. i told em to do nothing but go to school, come home, come to my room and lock the door when she got home. she did as she was told, and nothing else happened. no one cared. i checked on her bruise and it healed nicely, we had little to no contact with our family.
>eyes open
>i am still here
>she is still here
>i look around the room

>we are still in this horrible fucking house and the day starts
>sunday, october 10th, 1999.
>two days before we leave.
>lean over, grip em's chin and press my lips against her cheek and make sure it's nice and loud to wake her up.
>she gives a squirm and a "fuck you" face but i place my lips against hers as she turns to me.
>she breathes in and responds, her tongue seeking mine, obviously awake, i lean back halfway into the kiss, grinning down at her.
>she stretches under me and groans out "mmmmmn, wake me up like that every day!"
>but today is special. i don't know it yet, but it is our turning point. i'm just enjoying every moment i have with her.
>she opens her eyes and looks at me. "hi."

>"morning."
>"no school today."
>"well, it is sunday. have they gone to church?"
>em and i have long forgone going with them to church. not that they go every sunday. we were "casual christians" as someone put it once to me later.
>we're quiet for a moment, i don't hear anything. i push myself out of bed and open the door, leaning my head out. i don't hear the TV, or anyone really.
>close, lock the door, i walk over to the window and peer out, the car's gone, they're all gone.
>"they're still at church." i look at the clock, we have a couple of hours or so until they're back. i exhale.
>"lemme see it then."
>i press my forehead against the glass. but it still makes me grin.
>she's looking at me with the same grin.
>"you have totally seen it up and personal and you are not going to see it now."
>she pouts as i walk over and start to pull on at least a pair of jeans. fuck the neighbors if i'm topless.
>"you look hot like that."
>i stop opening the door and turn back, pointing at her. "you shut your mouth." but i'm still grinning. she knows what it does to me.
>"just saying."
>"well say it to yourself. i'll be back in a bit."
>bare feet, walk down to the first floor, no one's around. god it's calming.
>wander out to the street, grab the newspaper, sunday newspapers are always so heavy.
>i thank god for my curiosity. i thank god for me turning to our mailbox. i thank god for me opening it and wondering if they got the mail from saturday.
>they hadn't. nobody gives a shit about anything in this family.
>useless people, jesus, i thumb through it, bill, junk, bill, bill, em.
>another check for em.
>i look at the back of the envelope, nothing again. par for the course.
>sigh and bundle it all up with the newspaper and walk back inside, place it on the counter
>hesitate

>i thumb through the mail and pluck out that one envelope and look at it, looking at the back again. nothing
>em is upstairs probably asleep, they're not back for an hour. i eye the knife block across the kitchen.
>think, worst case scenario, they bitch at me for opening their mail, it goes away. best case, they don't notice.
>their worst case scenario is far, far different than ours, as you'll learn.
>fuck it. walk over to the block and pick out a slim knife, slice the adhesive, pull the check out and unfold it.
>around 3500 dollars made out to emxxxxxxxxxxxxx (full name)
>surprised at first, apparently they're investing well for her.
>unfold the stub behind it
>year to date: seventy some thousand dollars.
>funny, i don't remember em being a PHARMACEUTICAL CONSULTANT in her spare time
>that could pay for mine, em, and even hambeast jr's college fund.
>wait.
>you saw this in the desk, but it didn't match, it wasn't the same amount, monthly. think.
>run. run now.
>gripping the check i head back to dad's desk and start tearing through what i saw earlier, receipts, expense reports, faxes, pay stubs PAY STUBS
>hers are mixed in with his, he works elsewhere, she works.. at the same place that issued this check.
>she's the company's accountant
>i set the check and stub next to hambeast's last pay stub, and look. same color, same font.
>hambeast works as the company's accountant
>i put them back down on the desk
>she's the company acc.. holy fuck.

>i sit back on the bed and think about all of this, i'm trying to piece it together in my head. we get checks, addressed to em, for nearly seventy grand a year.

>i find stubs, that look the same, have the same font, the same spacing and information as the same checks that come in.

>my stepmother is the head accountant at xxxx.

>jesus christ, she's embezzling money.

>i'm dazed for a while, trying to piece it together. when did i see that first check? the last of august? was that really the first one, though? four weeks in september, one in october, that's still 17.5k even if that check was the first one. more if it wasn't.
>does dad know about this? i don't think he's stupid but after what em said he did and didn't do anything about it, i don't trust him either. it's possible he knows, and it's also possible he has no idea.
>hold fucking on.
>do not get your hopes up, robs.
>but this could be your way out.

>move. make sure.
>go to the all-in-one, make two copies of both.
>tri-fold one, the copied check, insert it back into the envelope, lick it and seal it again (don't judge me.)
>the other copy, the hambeast's stub, i put where i found it with the real stub and check in my back pocket.
>satisfied, i ran back upstairs and burst through the door, scaring the ever loving shit out of em, who screamed bloody murder at it
>god i must have looked crazy because she backed up against the headboard like i was a fucking psycho when i walked over to her
>sitting on the edge of the bed, i asked her one question that would make or break my line of thought.
>"em, has hambeast or dad ever taken you to get a government ID? like a driver's license but not for driving, just for who you are?"
>she's sleepy and confused, rubs her eyes. "mmm.."
>"please, this is important. like they take your picture and give you a card.."

>"oh! that. yeah, hambeast took me to get one of those a couple of years ago. i dunno where it is now, i think she keeps it in her purse. why?"
>silent for a moment, parents cash their children's birthday checks for them all the time. most of the time the kids can't even write or don't even sign, so em wouldn't have to be there.
>thus the id. thus keeping it in her purse.
>i look at em, she tilts her head, wondering. "hmm?"
>a slow grin forms over my face and she furrows her brow, but grins back at me. "what is it?"
>"c'mere." and pat my lap.
>she pushes the covers over and crawls on all fours towards me, sitting in my lap, lacing her arms around my neck as i hold her hips.
>"my dear, sweet, loving em." and start showering kisses all over her face to which she jerks back from, giggling.
>finally, i lean up and press a soft, caring kiss against her forehead. this is it.
>"how much would you say you know about embezzment?"

>plan. i need a plan.
>obviously she had no idea what i was talking about with the embezzlement comment, i let it go and laugh it off.
>first, we need evidence, the physical evidence is gone, the bruise healed, but she has memories.
>i sit her at my desk with a pad of paper, date it, and give her the pen.
>"i know you probably don't want to remember the times hambeast has hit you, but do you remember them?"
>she nods.
>"write them all. for example, when was the first time you can remember her doing it?"
>she taps her chin and looks up at the ceiling, thinking. "OH! i remember, it was june. i don't know the date. a few weeks after my last birthday?"
>urge to vomit, stop thinking about it.
>i write june, 1999 -
>"after the dash, write, in the most vivid detail that you can remember, exactly how it happened. like.. like telling a story, you know? you read a lot, you know how authors detail their work so it seems easily imagined?"
>she has a confused look on her face, "why do you want this?"
>i hold my hand up, shaking my head. "don't ask. it's.. complicated. just.. as much as you can remember, okay?"
>she shrugs and turns back to the pad, starting to write.
>next.
>i hurry down to the mail and grab a blank envelope, write on it in the middle robs xxxxxxxxx, our street, our city, our state, zip code. upper left, i write the exact same thing.
>fold up the second copy of the check/stub, and hambeast's subs, write the date on it, seal and stamp it.
>put it in my back pocket and walk back upstairs, grab the attic cord and pull down the ladder
>grab two suitcases and throw them in to my room through the door, em squeals.
>put attic hatch back up, walk into the room to see em looking at me, she has about a half a page written.
>"what was that? where are you going?" motioning to the suitcases.
>i pause mid-stride. jesus i haven't even told her what we're doing.

>i haven't even asked her if she's okay with this.
>i turn and push her in the chair to look at me and kneel in front of her.
>how the fuck do i word this? i've been doing all of this without giving her a
>let her choose.
>"em, i'm going to give you a choice. there is a way that we, you and me, can be together, like we are in this room and nowhere else. but like that everywhere, anytime."
>she grins giddily and bounces a little. "REALLY?"
>"yes, really, but it comes at a price. a really, really heavy price."
>she gets this cautious look on her face and eyes me.
>"now, do not think about my feelings about this when you make your decision. this is YOUR decision and YOURS alone. got me?"
>she nods, starting to frown. "what is this ab.."
>i cut her off, shaking my head.
>"in order for that to happen, we would need to leave here. leave this house, maybe even leave the state, and go somewhere no one knows us. we can't tell anyone we're going, and we can't ever come home."
>the frown deepens
>"you'd never see lacey, you'd never see hambeast jr." she looks a little upset at the lacey one, uncaring over the hambeast jr. one
>"you'd never see hambeast sr." an 'oh thank god' look.
>"and you'd never see dad again."
>she gets quiet, real quiet, and looks down at her hands, twiddling the pen in her fingers.
>"i told you, this is your decision. i almost made it for you, but that's not fair. if you want to stay, we'll stay, this can always be a secret, i will always protect you, and like i said when we were talking about me going off to college, i will always come running for you, but it can never be public. and it would only be in this room. for as long as you wanted it to last."

>"but if we go, i will strive to give you anything you desire. i will break my back making you comfortable, happy, and never wanting for anything. no more beatings from hambeast, no more dad not doing anything about them, no more sniveling little shit hambeast jr." she laughs a little at that.
>"you're sure i can't tell lacey goodbye?" she looks even sadder. this is killing me.
>"i'm sure. no one can know. i told you, what we are, what we do.. in here.. in the bed. it's illegal. but out there no one would know or care, because they wouldn't know us in the first place."
>"but what about school?"
>i hold up my hand again. "don't you worry about that. i'll take care of that. don't let it influence your decision."
>she nods a little, still thinking.
>i watch her, her eyes dart side to side, as if weighing this, or that, she looks around the room, i keep my gaze on hers.
>she finally circles back to me and says "we couldn't ever call this home again, could we?"
>i shake my head no.
>"but you'd be with me."
>"in every sense of the word, em. always."
>she looks around one last time before shrugging and nodding. "okay. let's go. home is whereever you are anyway."

>i exhale, i hadn't even realized i was holding my breath.
>oh thank god, oh thank, thank god. jesus christ thank you.
>i dart in and grab her, pulling her off the chair and into my lap, crushing her against my chest, just breathe. she squeals and giggles in my ear.
>we sit like that for a few minutes, i just hold onto her.
>"robs? i'm not done with the paper yet.."
>"oh. right, sorry. right." i put her back up on the chair and she smiles down at me, my beautiful girl, before turning back to write.
>"so when are we leaving?"
>"not immediately. there are some things i need to take care of before we go, but it'll be at night, and soon. tuesday night, most likely, wednesday at the most."
>she doesn't look at me, but nods and keeps writing.
>"but until then, you HAVE to act normal. you understand? any little slip and we can't pull this off, alright?"
>she nods, and i stand up, taking a deep breath.
>i walk over and grab the suitcases, putting them deep in my closet, placing some blankets over them to hide them.
>"i'm gonna take a quick shower."
>she turns and starts to get up, excited, i shake my head.
>"ah, not this time. later. you need to finish that. i need you to."
>she gets this pouty look on her face but relents with a "fiiiiine."
>grab clean clothes, go shower, the letter, the real check, and the real stub never leave the pocket of the clothes i'm wearing at the time, and they won't until it's the letter has been mailed, and we are gone.
>halfway through the shower em yanks back the curtain, bare ass naked, and throws herself at me, wrapping her arms around my waist. "DONE!"
>i laugh and grab onto her with one arm, the other on the wall, steady.

>"that was fast. it's only been a few minutes. you didn't skimp out on anything did you?"
>she shakes her head and dunks herself under the stream of water, smoothing her hair back.
>"nope! when you asked me about leaving, i was almost done anyway."
>i nod, i can't help it, i am staring. i'm a teenager after all.
>"good. i need that."
>"why?"
>"i'll tell you after all of this is done, like i said, it's complicated."
>"mm, okay." she steps forward and leans up, pressing a soft, loving kiss on my lips with a grin. "wash my hair again?"
>i roll my eyes and grab the shampoo, she turns around and i start massaging her scalp, working it into a lather.
>she gives a shiver. "i love it when you do this."
>i laugh, shrug. "talented fingers."
>she turns her head and grins, raising an eyebrow. "tell me about it."
>i roll my eyes and push her head under the stream, she squeals but laughs and rinses herself and her hair off.
>i turn to grab the shampoo again but she yanks it out from my grip. "ah ah! i just remembered that night we.. well, when i told you i loved you for the first time, i never got to do yours. so i still owe you."
>think back, smile like a goof, but nod. "alright, alright, hang on." i dunk my head under the water and turn around, my back to her and kneel in front of her. "go nuts."
>next i feel a slap of shampoo on the top of my head and a giggle from behind. "payback!"
>"yeah yeah."
>she does as i did, working in the shampoo, humming a song i can't place. i close my eyes and relax, it's been ages since someone did this for me.
>slicking my hair back, she grabs the wand and covers my eyes like i did for her, and starts rinsing
>i have no idea how she did it, or how i didn't notice, but as soon as she says "done!" i open my eyes and am presented with a blatant, explicit view of em's crotch.

>i lean back a bit, then look up at her eyes. she's holding the wand down. "em, what're you.."
>she blushes and fidgets a bit, not looking at me. "i'm clean, a.. and.. i wondered if you.. like in the pictures i first saw, that guy was us.. using his mouth. and i wondered what it felt like." her blush gets deeper.
>i have to admit, i did want to try, of course i had never done it before, and i was curious as well. at this point i was practically her medical masturbator nurse since she always wanted me to do it. oh hello boner, you would like that too?
>i lick and bite my lower lip. thinking.
>think, when was the last time you saw a clock? that would make it around.. 12? it's an 11am service, and they go grocery shopping after.. i didn't lock the bedroom door, nor the bathroom door. do we have time?
>i look back up at her. she's still as red as a tomato.
>fuck it.
>i nod and take the wand out of her hand, standing up and replacing it, turning the water off.
>turning back to her was like turning and pointing.. without using my hands. she giggles.
>stepping forward, she backs up a little and i nod, making her lean back a little on the wall behind her, she gets a little more serious when i start to kneel in front of her.
>little beads of water roll down her stomach, down her thighs, i follow them with my eyes and reach out, sliding my hands around her thighs, i can hear her inhale sharply.
>i press my mouth against her thigh, kissing it, dragging my tongue along to her inner thigh, up where her torso and thigh meet, her body shudders in my hands.
>my mouth is right next to her pussy, but she won't get it that easily. i pass by it and kiss her other thigh, looking up at her briefly to see her blue eyes wide, still blushing, studying me.

>with a bit of a grin, i lean in and bite her thigh gently, she gives a yelp and raises her hand to hit me, laughing but stops when i smooth the bite over with my tongue, and she exhales, lowering her hand to rest on my head.
>alright, alright.. enough teasing.
>i press my lips directly against her, tasting her for the first time directly. a small, sharp gasp escapes her. sliding my tongue slowly along her slit, with a little flick at the top. i wish i could say i knew what i was doing, but this was a first for me too.
>i slide my hands up her thighs and use my thumbs to spread her open gently, exposing her to my lips, my wandering tongue. after showering, she's nearly tasteless, with a subtle tang, it's not unpleasant in the slightest.
>taking long, slow laps directly on her, which make her jump every time i get near her clit, i seal my lips against her and slip my tongue up inside of her. her hand on my head clenches and she squirms, biting her lip with a quiet.. "uhhmnn.."
>i push in and out with my tongue, stretching it as far as i can, exploring every fold it can reach before pulling back to circle the hole itself, my lips massaging hers, like a very deep french kiss.
>every now and then i can feel her body clench around my tongue, either to push it out or keep it in. she rolls her hips slowly up against my face, starting a slow groove that i match with my tongue. her juices and my saliva drool down my chin and neck.
>using one hand, the other holding her open, i remove my tongue and slip my middle finger inside of her as i move up, concentrating on her clit.

>i look up at her expression and her eyes are closed, her hand, fingers rubbing her chest as i do this. just for a moment, i pause, her eyes fly open, and i continue. i lock my gaze with hers once i start, and they don't leave. she shivers at this, but doesn't look away, her fingers threading through my wet hair and holding onto me.
>my hand pumps in time with her rolling hips, and i can already tell she's close, she's getting faster. my head bobs as my lips close around her clit, tongue swirling around it slowly then a bit faster as she goes faster, flicking rapidly over it.
>that seems to have done it, as she starts really breathing faster, her eyes drifting closed, concentrating on the feeling before she quickly peaks, tightening up, going rigid, her knees locking, clamping down hard around my finger as she rides it out, a small, quiet moan echoing in the shower.
>her pussy clenches and unclenches rapidly on my finger, working it through her orgasm, dragging my tongue in long, hard licks against her clitoris.
>the grip she has on my hair slowly loosens, and i start to slow my motions, slipping my finger free and leaning my head back as she slowly buckles a little and slides down the wet wall of the shower to the edge, panting, catching her breath.
>i lick my lips of the taste of her, and just watch her. raising my hand up i wipe my lips, chin and neck, then use a washcloth, which was a better idea.
>finally, she opens her eyes, staring at my chest and looking up at me, her eyes sparkling
>"that was.. haah.. that was intense."

>raising a brow, i hand her the washcloth, and she wipes herself down, giving a bit of a jump, i assume from sensitivity.
>"that was a little different than when you do it with just your fingers.. it was.." she tries to think of how to put it, i'm just watching her, starting to help her stand up.
>she describes it to me as we get out and towel off, even though we air dried for the most part. she puts her hair up in a towel.
>"like with your finger, you can get deeper, right? but mostly the motion is in and out. but.. with your tongue, god.." she turns and hugs herself to me, looking up into my eyes. "i could feel it everywhere, in every direction, it touched me inside.. all over." she has an ear-to-ear grin, infectious, i start grinning too.
>"is that so? so.. safe to say you liked it?"
>nodnodnodnodnod
>"we are DEFINITELY doing that again."
>i laugh and step back, rubbing my hair to dry it out a bit. "oh ho, we are, are we? i bet you'd like that, you weren't the one doing all the work!"
>she thinks about this for a moment, then looks down at my half-hard cock, then up to me. "oh.. that's right.." she starts to blush again. "i mean.. i can, if you want to, i don't know what.."
>she's adorable when she's embarrassed like this.
>i thump my hand on her toweled head as if i were touseling her hair, smiling.
>"you don't have to, em. don't worry about it."
>she looks pouty for being treated like a child, which is even more adorable. i turn to grab my clothes and start putting them on.
>"what if.. what if i wanted to, then?"
>i hook the clasp in my jeans and turn back to her, shirtless. she's not looking at me, but the ground.
>"if you wanted to what?" i tease.
>"you know.. suck your.. thing."

>i laugh and walk over to her, about to put my shirt on, but decide against it. i toss it with the dirty clothes. fuck it, it's august, hot, and em thinks i look good this way. i am very, very aware of this fact now.
>i lean down to her level, being really, really teasingly demeaning. "my 'thing'?"
>it's an embarrassment spiral, and is getting worse and i am LOVING IT. she is my sister after all, i can give her crap now and then, even if did.. just.. eat her out. *cough*
>she mumbles "you know what i mean."
>looping my belt through the loops. "mm, no, em, i'm afraid i don't, what 'thing' are you referring to?" i lean down and grab the envelope and papers from my last pair of jeans, they go in my back pocket.
>quieter mumble. "your.. your cock."
>turning around. "what was that?"
>louder now, but not by much. "your cock."
>i gasp in mock horror and she looks up at me surprised and pissed and pouty and blushing and i swear to god it's taking all of me not to hug her up right then and there.

em: "I WANTED TO KILL YOU. FUCK YOU FOR TELLING THEM THIS."

>"why emxxxxxxxxx (her full name) i have never HEARD such language come out of such a young lady, i have a mind to wash your mouth out with said cock this very instant!"
>she hears cock instead of soap and reaches out and hits me with her fist on the arm, grumbling. "shut up!"
>i'm laughing and ducking away from her. "okay okay okay. okay. i get it. but not now. it was nice of you to offer, em. thank you. and we will, sometime. but right now, we have.."
>i lean around to look at the alarm clock.
>"just about an hour before everyone gets home. and while i'm sure we COULD, just to be safe, we shouldn't."
>she's coming down from being angry, nodding. "alright. asshole."
>i mock gasp again, grin at her and leave the room.

>em said she was done with her writing when she got in the shower, so i wander over and look, it's about a page long. good, blank space at the bottom for her to sign it. i'll sign it too, as witness, if that makes any difference in the law. i have no idea.
>i start scanning it, seems there were six different times, all with hambeast, dad only saw one. the bile starts to rise and i scan some more, the last one was her bruise. i nod. she's been detailed.
>i walk over to the bathroom and em is once again naked, hair in a towel, she's put lotion on herself so she has this beautiful sheen, i have to remember to close my mouth. the things i could do to her.
>i step up behind her and whap her ass with the back of the notepad and she yelps. "hey!"
>"you did a good job, thank you. i want you to look over this one more time, make sure you didn't leave out any detail you remember, however insignificant you think it is, okay? and sign your full name at the bottom"
>she rubs the spot where i hit her and sticks out her tongue, grabbing the pad and putting it on the countertop. "you watch your actions or i'll put what you just did on this list!"
>i grin, but stop and remember what i'm doing with this list. i shake my head. "don't even kid about that. plus you liked it."
>she got serious when i did, but grinned at the last part. "maybe." and scans me head to toe. "finally believe me when i say you look good like that, huh?"
>i chuckle and start out the door. "maybe."
>i head downstairs and grab another stamp and envelope, writing it out like the other one. from myself, to myself.
>by the time i'm done, i re-enter the room, and em is in a cute little pastel dress that drops to her shins. "you look nice. any occasion?"
>she shakes her head but leans up and kisses my cheek for the comment. "thank you. no, i just felt good."
>i nod and point to the pad. "you done?"

>she nods and leans down to sign it, her full name, and writes it out underneath in print.
>i take the pen and do the same.
>"so are you gonna tell me what this is for?"
>i tear the sheet off the pad and start folding it for the envelope
>i think as i seal it up and put it with the other one, looking down at her. "mm.. call it.. insurance."
>she knows what insurance is, but from what? confused, she shrugs and nods. i beckon her out to the closet.
>"over the next day or two, i want you to stuff that suitcase.." i move the blanket for a second. "with clothes, toothbrush, underwear, shoes, things you will IMMEDIATELY NEED. anything else can get from a pharmacy or whatever."
>nodding, she starts looking through her clothes idly. before a realization hits her.
>"what about all our other stuff? you said we can't come back, what about all my stuff?"
>i thought about that while planning our escape.
>i wink at her. "another thing you leave to me. nothing in here will be lost."
>"i don't like how you're keeping me in the dark, robs."
>i stop smiling, and nod. "i know. and i'm sorry. but what i'm about to do to get us out of here is illegal." not as illegal as to what we just did in the shower, i think. "and the less you know about it, the better. i know, it's a pain, and it's annoying, and scary."
>i step over to her and wrap my arms around her neck, pulling her cheek against my chest. she huffs, pouting again.
>"please. trust me. i've thought about this a thousand times, and the universe has presented me with a perfect way of protecting you for the rest of my life." i can feel her cheek move, she's smiling.
>leaning back, i look down at her and turn her my way. i push her bangs out of her eyes and she flinches a bit and looks up at me. she's adorable, and she's mine.
>"do you trust me, em?"
>"of course i do."
>i smile and press a kiss on her forehead and let her go back to packing.
>i look at the pad on my desk.
>i have work to do.

---

>a script. i need a script, if i'm going to do this, i need a script and i need to write it.
>em is looking through her clothes, stuffing them in one of the suitcases and i turn to the pad.
>responses. they're going to have questions, write it out, memorize it. you know what you want to say, and you're going to say it.
>now reverse it and try and predict what they'll say or ask from you. cover any possibility you can think of.
>busy myself for the next thirty or so minutes, they come home. i panic for a second, she does too. i tell her to cover the suitcase with the blanket, i put the pad in the drawer for now.
>get dressed for real, stop entertaining em being shirtless, we do our thing that day. i take em with me to run some errands, including dropping the two envelopes in the mailbox outside the grocery store. it may be sunday, but the earlier the better. with any luck, they should be back tomorrow, tuesday, or wednesday at the latest. i hope for the first one.
>return home, things are normal. i have no idea where junior is, senior and dad are on the couch, we do our thing and head up to our room.
>"hey robert, how are the applications going?" dad says.
>fuck.
>poker face, right fucking now. em looks at me up on the stairs, concerned. i wave her forward and turn back to face this.
>i walk out and stand next to the chair alternate to the couch, dad is looking at me, hambeast doesn't give a fuck, TV is more important.
>"oh i've sent out applications out the wazoo, big and small colleges, i even applied to a few out of state ones, they seemed attractive."
>"have you received any responses?"
>"no, not yet. i mean my grades are decent, but it's only october, right? they're looking for the spring semester."
>"well yeah, but i was accepted in september! granted that was back in the day, not many guys going to college!" he laughs at his own joke. i don't. "all farmers around here." please let me go.

>"just keep an eye out, you're a good student, so don't worry, you'll find where you need to be." where i need to be is upstairs.
>"yeah, probably, i keep checking the mail. nothing yet, but we'll see!" this false excitement is killing me.
>i turn and walk towards the stairs and i hear that fat, fucking bitch of a woman chime her fucking fat, fucking face in:
>"but we only have enough to put you through for a year, be sure to get a job while you're there."
>i'm sure there are still fingernail imprints on the base of the handrail leading up the stairs to this day. breathe. just breathe. "i know, i've been working on it!" in my most cheerful voice. and start up the stairs. if you saw my face, you'd think i was psychotic.
>back in my room, close, lock door. em's still standing there, looking for things she wants to bring.
>"you can take the suitcase out now, just be ready to stuff it back in if you hear anything."
>she nods, i sit back at my desk and continue writing theoretical questions they might pose for a couple of hours.
>"robs."
>"hmm?"
>"look."
>i turn around to where her voice is coming from and she has, bunched in her hands, her whole dress, and she's buck ass naked in front of me with a huge grin before letting the dress fall back down.
>my jaw hits the floor as she crawls up on the bed with the laptop.
>"you.. little tease."
>she sticks out her tongue at me and starts playing on the computer.
>i work on the script for another few hours, we have dinner, i pack a little, em's nearly done herself, bedtime. fold up the script (end up with two pages of thoughts) and put them with the stuff in my back pocket.
>cover suitcases, wedge door (this is normal at this point), strip to boxers, flop on the bed next to em, 'cos she's still on the laptop.

>em reaches over and starts absentmindedly threading her fingers through my hair, and i melt. it's the little things, the softest touches that feel so good.
>my face is smushed in the pillows and i grumble. "'s bedtime, em."
>"already? jeez it is eleven, isn't it."
>"mm."
>she closes the laptop, gets dressed for bed and crawls up next to me. she pulls back her side's covers, and gets in.
>"you sleeping on top tonight?"
>no, i just don't wanna move. i grumble. she pats my head and i reluctantly kneel, tugging back the covers and lying down on my side beside her.
>she pulls the covers up, then completely over top of us and i'm blind.
>i hear her rustling about, shifting closer, i feel her breath again on my lips, but my eyes can barely make anything out.
>she presses her body to mine and i wrap my arm around her waist tight, making her huff a little.
>leaning forward, she kisses me, softly at first, those types of kisses you plant, maybe slide your tongue in but briefly and lean back before doing it again.
>boxers not really doing shit to hide my hard-on, feel it brush against her thigh
>her hand slips in the front, curling around the base of my cock, still planting kisses on me, starting to get a little deeper now
>"em, it's.. mmf.. late."
>i could have been talking to a brick wall at this point, as she just slowly starts tugging at me, pulling, gripping tight around my rigid length.
>i shudder, she reaches her free hand up to my shoulder and kisses me, hard, searching for my tongue and finding it
>she remembers from earlier, rubbing just underneath the tip for a while, smearing her hand with pre before moving back down again. fuck, she's getting better at this.
>she pauses for a moment and i feel her rustling around again. she whispers, her lips brushing mine as she talks. "take off your boxers."
>"i don't want to get the bed mess.."

>she doesn't wait for a response and pushes them down herself, i lean back and take them completely off with one arm. she grabs me again and pulls me, almost hurting. "c'mere. closer."
>the tip touches her skin and i immediately pull back. "em, no.."
>"no, not that. trust me. i just thought of something." i relent and ease forward, and i feel her thighs clamping around the sides of my cock, getting tighter as the top grinds up against her pussy. i figure it out. i grab my boxers and wedge them under her thighs behind her.
>both of her hands are now on my shoulders as she's back to kissing me, my hand on her smooth hip, the other trapped underneath us both as i hold her.
>she's already wet and she starts grinding down on the top of my cock, squeezing with her thighs. she leans up and gives me a soft kiss, her tongue on my lips as she starts rocking her hips back and forth.
>my hand slides slowly over the curve of her ass, down her thigh as i'm.. being used. not that i mind at all, it staves off my orgasm since it's not so much along the underside, and she's getting off too.
>i hug her as tight as i can to her and start matching her thrusts, our hips bumping together. something about that felt so good, so erotic. the sounds of our stomachs slapping together, plap, plap, plap.
>leaning down, i nudge her lips up towards mine, she responds and kisses me, hard, muffling her adorable little grunts into my mouth. my untrapped hand moves back up, starting to slink under her shirt and she gives a little bit of a smile, a giggle, she is a tad ticklish after all.

>fingers rub up against her nipple. "pinch it.. p.. please.. aah.." her hips are really slamming into me as i do as requested, gently pinching, rolling her nipple and she has to muffle another groan with my mouth. i can already feel my orgasm building, she should be close too.
>she pants into my mouth as she just works my cock. i take a deep breath and hiss in a bit as i spurt cum out onto her thighs, and behind her thankfully on my boxers. she feels it and keeps going, sticking her butt out and digging the top of her pussy against the top of my dick, grinding her clit into it.
>as my orgasm subsides, hers starts. she digs her fingers into my shoulder, hard, seizing up and shuddering, holding her breath. she gives little jerks as her body convulses, her breath coming out in quick "haah-ah!"s.
>i'm relaxed, but i'm stuck to her in more ways than one. with more fluids than one. i'm sweating in this oven of a bed, my sister panting against my chest as she slowly relaxes, relaxing her grip on my softening dick.
>"best of both worlds, huh?" i whisper.
>"mmm.. mmhmhmm.." she laughs
>i reach over and grab the boxers, folding them over and milking out the rest of my cum, wiping her down as well
>pulling the covers back to our waists, i throw them into the bathroom
>turning back, i see a disheveled, sweating little girl next to me, absolutely and completely sated, smiling as if she were drugged.
>she holds up her arm to me tiredly and i lie back down, and pull the covers up to our chests.
>"thank you for that." she nuzzles her head up under my chin, hugging me.
>"i feel so used." i joke, she giggles.
>"yeah, having an orgasm is sooooo terrible."
>i lean down and press my lips to her forehead, for a long few seconds, resting my cheek against it.
>"goodnight, em."
>"i love you."
>"i love you too."
>"goodnight."
>we sleep.

>we wake.
>normal.
>one day left.
>i tell em to get dressed for school, i'm staying home (even today the letters could be coming and i can't risk anyone questioning me about them.
>she whines and stomps a foot. "why can't i stay home?"
>"normal, em."
>she's still pouty, but gives me a little-too-long kiss before heading out to school, where i'm sure she'll get nothing done. so not only have i made my sister a deviant, i'm probably making her stupid. fantastic.
>packing resumes, i'm nearly done, things start disappearing from my room, picture of mom, chargers, adapters, clothes, essentials.
>i scan the script again, just to cover it, get as much of it as i can in my mind. i hear the mailtruck pull up and start downstairs to go grab it.
>to see that fat fucking bitch lazing on the couch.
>"eh? shouldn't you be in bed? and put a shirt on, god."
>i sniff, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. she's disgusted, which makes her even more oh-so-attractive. "i thought you were working today?" i cough and make my way behind the couch. "called in sick, much like you're faking too." she says. i get to the door. "mail's here, i wanted to see if any acceptance letters came."
>"fuckin' hope so, useless little prick." i hear her mouth under her breath. awesome. what a wonderful woman.
>walk out, hoping, please, open, junk and bills. nothing yet. i guess it was too much to hope for same day delivery (today was monday after all) even in a small town.
>i walk back in and pass behind the couch and she says "hang on, lemme see those."
>i turn and shrug, hand them over as she thumbs through them, frowning, holding them back out to me. i drop them on the counter with the rest of the shit they have to sort through.
>"been waiting for my insurance reimbursement check. you seen something like that?"
>yes, i have.

>"nah, dad said he does direct deposit, so do i. do you not?"
>she sneers. "of course i do, this is from the insurance company, not my employer."
>i shrug and she goes back to watching whatever shit show she's got on, i head back upstairs.
>moving it up, not tomorrow night.
>tomorrow.
>i have a few hours before anyone else gets home, so i check em's bag, she has it stuffed to the gills with pictures, toiletries, shoes, dresses, i keep forgetting girls have more shit. and the laptop, couldn't forget that. kinda makes me grin.
>i look around the room, a lot more barren than it was, but still sort of lived in. i try ticking off things that CANNOT be left here under a..
>i look down at the bottom drawer of my dresser, they've been there forever. just another piece of incriminating evidence. i rummage around, yep. opened pack of condoms. years ago i tried one on for the hell of it, flushed it and the wrapper.
>oh you're kidnapping your sister? what's this in your drawer? with one missing?
>they go in with my stuff. there's that split right down the middle. out the window on the way, or am i'm going to use them? could i?
>i look at em's bag. deal with it if it happens. if not..
>i zip up both bags and stand them up and start to go through my drawers, pawing around, anything that i've missed, anything at all. dresser is clean. go through the closet, half empty. nothing. drawers in the bathroom, nothing.
>i stand up and look at myself in the mirror for a long while. am i really this crazy?
>one last thing i want to take.
>i walk back downstairs and ask her "do you mind if i go into dad's desk? my teacher wants a picture of our parents to explain the sociology of generations." she grunts and waves her hand, which i can only interpret as "go away."

>i sort through all dad's pictures he put away to make stepmother feel more 'comfortable' in our home, and find one of when em was around six months, all four of us in some photo studio.
>would she really approve of what i'm doing? half and half?
>"you're in love with your sister? are you.. doing it?" she hated clinical terms. having sex. she got embarrassed easily, like em.
>"that fat bitch does what to my baby daughter? you take her and you RUN, robert." can you see my dilemma?
>i don't think i have, and i don't think i've ever found any sort of balance with her view of me, and i don't think i really ever will. if there's a heaven, and god lets me in after his judgement, i think maybe i can face mom's.
>maybe.
>maybe not.
>i close the desk and take the picture, walking back upstairs after telling her i found it, sliding it into the front pocket of my suitcase, closing, and dragging them to our bathroom window.
>winter was already on its way, but the screens were still in. i pop the half window and lift my heavy ass bag up to see if it would fit. just.
>pop out and pull the screen in to the bathroom, pick up em's bag and lean out, as far out and as far down as i can before dropping it into a hedge, god i hope that didn't make noise.
>or break the laptop, em would kill me.
>mine follows, and i replace the screen and close the window, head back outside. "need something from my car."
>at this point she doesn't even acknowledge i'm around. suits me.
>here's the problem, there is a huge bay window she can see right out of, ninety degrees to her right, even if her eyeballs are glued to the TV, and my bathroom is on the other end of the house.
>so i walk around, all the way around my house to the suitcases, grab both, walk back the same way. easy.
>i can't put them in the bed of the truck (tacoma) because they'd be glaringly obvious.

>fuck. em can deal without footroom for a bit, she's tiny anyway. opening my door, i stuff the bags as deep down into the passenger footwell as i can, drop a uhaul blanket and some rope on them.
>lock doors, walk back in. i don't even have anything to show for going to my car, she doesn't give a shit.
>i head upstairs and close the door behind me, sitting on the bed, looking around. em will have to go without the laptop for tonight but it's all ready.
>i sit on my bed and rub my face, thankful to have it all set up. nothing can get in our way. get the letters, pick her up after school tomorrow, disappe..
>oh my god.
>i fish the script out of my back pocket and spread it out over the bed, scanning it for that one fucking phrase, did i address this? did i think about this? fuck how could i be so stupid?
>and it's not there.
>legal custody.
>i can never, and will never have legal custody of em. what court would accept a father signing off rights to his blood related daughter to a guy about to go to college? without any proof of wrongdoing?
>i can't show them the evidence, em's recounting of it or the checks, that plays my hand and leaves me open to them countering with ANYTHING we might have done in here, on this bed.
>think god dammit.
>break it down. he has custody, i want it. i can't prove that i'm a better caretaker than him, because WITHOUT showing her recollections, i'm not.
>no court would uphold a decision like this, even if we all three waltzed in smiling and signed the papers and walked out. why? why are you doing this? what is wrong with the father that the brother, still in school, is a better caretaker?
>our plan, my plan is dismantling before my eyes, and all the thoughts of staying here with these awful people come back. how did i ever think i would get away with this based on my father's guarantee? who the fuck do you think..
>guarantee.
>a guarantee.

>all of this is basing itself on a guarantee from him anyway, could i really leave custody up to another guarantee?
>did i have a choice?
>i take the script and walk over to the desk and pull the pad out again and sit down.
>custody, guardianship, i didn't even know if they were the same thing (they're not, i know now)
>i already have guarantees to send the information to the police should he object to any of my terms. don't try to find us, don't tell anyone, et cetera, and in return, i will tell no one of the transgressions, physical, mental, and yes, even her embezzlement.
>if my plan had any flaw whatsoever, it's determining our worth over jailtime. it's determining his new wife's worth over both jailtime and his children.
>is he a good man? am i? this is blackmail, and his is neglect and association in her schemes (i can't be sure about that last one, not yet)
>and mine is incest. falling in love with the only girl on this planet i shouldn't have.
>is the need to leave bigger than the risk i'm willing to take to protect em?
>i spend the next few hours going over the pros and cons of each, writing them down, but it always came down to one simple, but heavy question:
>do i trust the strangers of a family court, a court appointed lawyer arguing against the best lawyer my father could find? leaving the decision of all of our lives up to.. someone i don't even know?
>or do i trust the guarantee of a father who desparately wants his family together when he's already seen evidence that it would never work, and is on the brink of losing it all?
>the devil you know, or the devil you don't? can you trust the devil you know for another five years until she's eighteen herself? is it worth that much to him?
>i put the script back together, new additions and all, tear up the pros and cons sheet, and flush the pieces.
>we're leaving. tomorrow afternoon.

---

>a knock, hard. god, it must be one of them. i lean up from where i am on the bed and walk over, the button popping as i open the door.
>instead, a jumble of arms and legs wrap their way around my body and a pair of lips find me, slapping the door closed behind them.
>i'm not stupid enough not to know her smell, her taste. but having to wrap my arms around her fucking backpack is awkard, i tug at it and she drops it instantly, replacing her arms around my neck.
>"the.. mmf.. mmn.. the lock, em." she just tightens around me like a vice and i sit back against the corner of my desk, her lips locked tight against mine, breathing in her scent. i remember why i'm doing this.
>finally, after what seems like an eternity, she leans back, panting against my lips. occasionally giving me another kiss, which i respond to. "hi.." she finally gets out.
>"hi yourself.." i nudge her chin up to look at me, half-lidded eyes, that fucking look, cut it off, or you're in for it. she's got it bad.
>"been waiting around for you. you seem a little eager today."
>loosening, she slides down me and stands on her own two feet, smoothing her uniform out. "you know how hard it is to be wet an entire day?"
>what the hell have i transformed this girl into?
>"well, i mean i know the male equivalent of it.."
>she walks over to the dresser and fishes out another pair of her underwear, walking around behind it away from me. why? some sembalance of modesty that i haven't chipped away yet? she tosses her other ones in the hamper and walks back over to me.
>"so how was your.. day.." she looks in the closet, our suitcases are gone and all the color drains out of her face, looking to me. i hold my hands up.
>"they found us out, em." i am a cruel. cruel fucking bastard, with a fantastic poker face.

>"they want us downstairs in a few minutes. that's why i was up here, waiting for you." stop, you're making it so, so worse. do not laugh.
>then i realize why i can't joke like this. i can see it balling up in her, her fists at her side, she won't look at me, or anything other than the floor.
>"no, no baby.. no, em, it was a joke. it was a joke."
>i kneel in front of her, making sure i look up into her face through her hair.
>"it was a joke, a terrible, terrible joke. i'm sorry." i pull her against me, but she doesn't hug me back, i lean back and she's still sniffing. "i thought it would be funny, i'm so sorry. they don't know. they don't. i'm sorry."
>jesus she's still a child, what the fuck am i doing.
>"i know." she gurgles out.
>"i saw the suitcases in the truck."
>this ability she has still lasts to this day, and i have never been able to predict it.
>she can hold back a grin only so much, that's my only tell.
>"you're fucking kidding me."
>she laughs directly in my face and wraps her arms around my head, burying it into her chest, my little sister just one upped me. i'm more stunned than happy she wasn't actually crying.
>"how many years have you been screwing with me? and i finally got you."
>of all the things she could have chosen to fuck with me about.. of all the things i could have to chosen to fuck with HER about! god, we're both monsters. we deserve each other.
>i let her have her laugh as i sigh and tug her down into my lap, nudging my lips under her jawline, which makes her squirm. "we're not.. really found out are we?"
>i shake my head and lean back. "no, not in the least." the check
>"promise? how did you get them in the truck anyway? i know that she was here the entire day, wasn't she?" the check
>i point to the bathroom window, explain it all and yet.. the check

>"we're leaving tomorrow, after school, i'll pick you up."
>"not that night?"
>"no."
>"why not?"
>the check
>it's only a matter of time, the sooner the better.
>"it's just convenient. there's no need to risk being caught at night if we can make it seem normal, right?"
>she thinks this over for a moment, then nods. but she's not looking at me for some reason as she pushes up onto her feet.
>"i guess i should get out of my uniform, then. i wonder what clothes i have left."
>"lock the door if you're gonna change."
>"alriiiight." she does, and walks to the closet as i watch her. hm.
>maybe hindsight is 20/20, but do you ever not act on a hunch because it's not enough to be a hunch? maybe that's what i felt.
>we have dinner, our last dinner together as a family, almost always in silence, i look at these people, with the exception of one, maybe one and a half, care nothing for us.
>we ask how our days go, work, school, oh, yeah, robs was sick, bitch called in sick, had a good laugh at that. i felt.. plastic. like none of this was real anymore.
>i looked at em, and usually she'd join in the fake laughing just to keep up appearances. she wasn't.
>we clean our plates, put them in the dishwasher, and retire to our respective alcoves. dad and her on the couch, jr. in her room to do.. whatever the fuck jr. did, and us upstairs.
>close, lock, wedge chair.
>"alright, what's with you?"
>she spins on one foot, linking her arms behind her back. automatically lying. i've seen that too much. whatever comes out of her mouth is a lie. she does it to this day, and damn me for saying it, but she still does. maybe i'm giving up my tell.
>"what do you mean? nothing's wrong."
>"bullshit." and left it at that, staring at her.
>another standoff, this time i know something's up, and i don't back down.

>stubborn little girl.
>"FINE! alright fine. fine." she turns around, away from me and mumbles something.
>"what?"
>"i told lacey."
>and it all unravels again.
>act. now. move your ass.
>i scramble to the phone and hold it to her. "you know her number, right?" i hear the dialtone in the receiver, she's backed up against the bed.
>"do you?!"
>she nods, nods again and takes the handle, dialing it in. "ask if she's told it to anyone."
>i cover the mouthpiece before she finishes pushing buttons, like that would matter. "em, if she has.."
>she looks at me, searching, nodding. "we can't leave."
>"we will, but not.. we will."
>last number.
>i lean back against my desk. god, i had it so planned. i hold my head by my hair between my knees.
>"is lacey there?"
>pause
>"i know you want to talk about it, i know, have.. have you told anyone?"
>fingers grip tighter in my hair, i'm going to rip it out, we leave safely, or we leave outed, on the run.
>"you promise?"
>i look up at em, she shakes her head at me. "listen, you can't tell anyone. please? promise me?"
>she's not looking at me. "i know it's weird." she looks at me. "do you want to talk to him?"
>i shake my head, apparently she said the same. "alright, alright, how about.. how about tomorrow? i told you tomorrow, what if you meet us?"
>i lean back. another thirteen year old. how do i explain what we are to an uninvolved party.
>"tomorrow, he's going to pick me up. yeah. you'll be there?"
>"alright. talk to you later, lacey."
>click

>i hold up my hand, it's one of the first times i'm really, really angry at her. i asked her not to. "i asked you not to."
>"i know, but she's my best friend, robs, and i wasn't ever going to see her again. i mean you don't have anyone like that." ouch. "do you not know how it feels? do you get it?"
>fair enough, the closest i had was my father and he didn't give a shit about my sister. so. that was a turning point. "no. i don't." i lean my head back, breathing, exhaling. calming. she just stands there.
>i finally pull up and look at her, crooking my hand. she kneels and thumps into me, i wrap my arms around her. "i trust you, em."
>nod
>"do you trust her?"
>nod
>"i'm not kidding. does she know secrets abou.. secrets other than us. does she know secrets about you, or has she.. confided in you?"
>i sit her back on her heels, she won't look at me. "is this girl someone that" not keep her mouth shut, that's harsh. "is this someone you can trust with the rest of your life?" SHE'S THIRTEEN YOU FUCKING PRICK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING
>"no, let me say it differently. you.. know that if she says anything, all of this, every part of this, is gone. you and me, away from here. you and me here. you and me at all. i'd go to jail."
>she nods and god damn me i continued.
>"and they'd ask me what it was, and i would say nothing, but they'd find the evidence, the letters." stop talking. "both dad and she would be implicated." stop using big words. stop talking at all. STOP FUCKING TALKING. STOP TALKING YOU STUPID SHIT AND LOOK AT HER.
>little tears run down her cheeks, dripping down between us.
>"i've messed it up, haven't i?"
>
>
>

>no.
>not yet.
>not yet god dammit say something.
>"no, you haven't. you haven't em. you.. were loyal." despite myself i laugh and pull her to me, she's sniveling against my shoulder.
>"if i had a friend like that, i don't think i could have held back either. but she hasn't told anyone. and you trust her on that, right?" she nods, sniffing. i trust em to trust lacey. god please don't let me be wrong.
>"so we'll talk to her tomorrow." i fake a laugh and turn my head her way. "you show her half the emotion i know you for, she'll believe you. i believe you. i always have, ever since that night." shower. her crying. she coughs out a laugh.
>"we're leaving tomorrow either way. and if we don't stop where i planned to, we'll keep going." i pull her up tighter against me, she clings around my neck. "somewhere they'll never find us, i will never stop until you are happy, you got me?" she nods, burying her face into my hair.
>we're gone.
>we sleep.

>3pm.
>sitting on the curb next to the tire of a white truck, the tire of a sedan, waiting for my sister and the inevitable questioning. i must look like a pedophile. oh wait! i am! fantastic. at least i don't have a fucking camera.
>bell sounds.
>jesus here it comes.
>i push up, my girl and lacey come over, standing in front of me, they both stand a good foot below me, i'm looking at the girl i love and her best friend, who is eyeing me like i'm about to kill them both.
>"can i ask em a question first?"
>they look at each other and she nods, em comes with me. i sit down on the curb again. "what does she know?"
>"that we're leaving. for good." i shake my head.
>"what does she KNOW, em." i look at her, serious. god dammit, she's squirming.
>"em."
>"that we've kissed."
>"how?"
>"what do you mean how? like kissed!"
>five more years of this. deal with it, you got into it. i push my glasses up and rub my eyes. "em."
>"she knows it all."
>how often has timed stopped for me? out of being scared, being in love, being ready to run, being ready to explain what i have done to this girl's best friend, who is my sister, and what we're willing to do to keep it up?
>i take off my glasses, look up at her. she's a blur, i can't see anything, i don't want to. "up until when?"
>i can see her move, stop fidgeting please.
>"all of it."
>my head thumps against the fender of my truck, i close my eyes. what the hell am i going to say to this girl that doesn't portray me as a sexual deviant? as a corruptor of her best friend? as a kidnapper? as someone that has her best interests at heart?
>"call her over." i put my glasses back on as she beckons lacey over.
>she's cute, nerdy cute? i don't think she has many friends, glasses, scraggly hair, though i can see why em likes her.
>"so what do you kn.."
>"ALL OF IT."
>i hold up my hand almost to her mouth and she jerks back and i lean back quickly. "alright, alright, just.. god, be quiet, okay?"

>she looks to em, who nods.
>"are you going to miss your ride, your bus? for being here?" i look at the line of cars.
>"i said a friend's brother would take me home." meaning me. fantastic.
>her, em, me, me driving. "if em is in the middle, are you okay in the cab?" i knock on the door.
>she looks at em, then shrugs. i open the door and they both pile in, em in the middle, i walk around to the driver's side. i later find out that this is totally illegal and kidnapping as well! not a legal guardian or someone who can pick up this child!
>i pull out of the parking lot and start our way home, wait, there's a park by the river (that's not creepy), so i head that way.
>kids playing on equipment to the right, the river out in front of us, em in between who will be what makes or breaks us. i put it in park, turn off the engine and sit back, staring out at the water.
>deja vu. "so what do you want to know?"
>lacey doesn't say anything for a while. she turns to look at me across em. "where are you going?"
>em stays silent, i shake my head. "i can't tell you."
>she turns to em. "why are you leaving!" it was more of a statement than a question. em looks at me. i get to explain this again.
>"lacey, do you have any brothers or sisters?" "a brother." "how old?" "he was just born." bad example.
>"okay, new idea. do you have any crushes on any boy in school?" and i swear, she goes beet fucking red. em takes her hand and leans in. i can't hear what they're whispering. em: "she does."
>"alright, so, imagine that you really, really love this boy. he's everything you've ever wanted, and you'd do anything to be with him, right?"
>she's still looking at the floor.
>nods.
>"and then you find out you have the same parents."

>i've never seen a neck jerk that hard. she looks at me. then at em, then at me again, staring. we look back at her.
>"could you still love that person in the same way you first did before you found out?"
>this girl has no experience in love and i'm asking her to envision the most complicated version of love, the only version of love that i know.
>but she has the 'normal' reaction when she, i assume, thinks about her own newborn brother. "ew, no. i don't.. no, i don't think so."
>i take my hands off the steering wheel, tapping em's collarbone, then mine. "you're normal. we aren't. we figured that out a while ago. and.. your normal is legal. ours is not."
>basic words. that's not basic enough.
>"if we told the world about us, i would go to jail, and em would go to a foster home." god, thanks for being so brutal, robert.
>i watch as her eyes widen and she looks at em, who nods, confirming it. lacey grabs em in a hug, which seems painful but i don't move. this isn't something i can change. "no! i don't want to lose you!"
>em hugs back, leaning her head on lacey's shoulder. i wish camera phones weren't shit at this point, i wouldn't have minded a picture of that. in a non perv way.
>minutes pass, i look out at the river, drape myself over the steering wheel and let them hug it out. my chin on the steering wheel.
>"so you're in.. love with each other? not like.. not like i love my parents?" she gets it, at least a little.
>i look at them both, em deals with it, nodding. "this isn't.. forced, you know? he loves me, and i love him, and yes in THAT way, the same way you love dale."
>"em!"
>i only remember this because of how i had to hold back how much i wanted to laugh.
>"but you feel it right? like, even just the name makes you want to see him?"
>she nods.
>"every time i look at robs, i feel that way."

>"and every time i look at em, i feel that way." i finally chime in, she looks at me, then em.
>em tugs her back to look at her. "even though we're brother and sister. i don't.. it's hard to understand, but that's how i can say it, you know?"
>she doesn't. she looks at me.
>"can i ask you some questions?"
>it's all on the table, what the fuck do i have to lose? "go for it."
>"do you love her?"
>"yes. i would die for her."
>she looks at their hands, searching for the next question.
>"will i ever see her again?"
>i look at my hands on the steering wheel, thinking.
>"not for a while. a long while."
>"how long?"
>"y.. years."
>all is quiet.
>"how many?"
>"minimum five."
>18.
>i don't look at either of them.
>"this isn't some sort of game, is it? some sort of prank?" i don't think the question is directed at me. i look, em shakes her head but doesn't say anything else. neither do i.
>"can we keep in touch?"
>i hadn't thought of that. i was expecting all or nothing. either she says go, or she says i'm telling.
>i lean back and swear to god both of them jump like a bolt of lightning had hit. "how much of it all do you believe, lacey?" i look down at them, they're both looking at me.
>em believes everything, it's up to her friend. we both look at her, and she looks at both of us. and in the quietest voice, i hear:
>"you promise you won't hurt her."
>i laugh, and she jumps again, i collapse against the steering wheel and keep laughing, shaking my head as i finally turn to them both. em is smiling, lacey is scared shitless.
>"i would rather die than hurt em in any way, lacey. you have my word." em brightens. "if i ever, ever go back on that word, i give you permission to torture me until the end of the world." i grin at her. "is that enough of a guarantee?"
>she softens a bit and looks at em, who nods. "you're sure about this, em."

>"tell you what.." i lean over and rummage in our luggage which makes lacey yelp and scramble away.. i fish out the laptop, the charger, cords, and make damn sure that there's no fucking floppy in it.
>"here. take it."
>"aw, robs, but.." and i put my free hand over em's mouth, laying it in lacey's lap.
>"you want a way to talk to her, here. and it won't be until she's 18."
>em turns and grins, suddenly giddy even though i'm giving away the laptop, god she's almost bouncing. "there's this thing called IMing, we can talk all the time, all you have to do is dial into this thing called netzero and then get on.." i cover my hand over em's mouth.
>"listen to me, and this is the last thing i'll ever say to you. i love emxxxxxxx (her full name). i will treat her like a princess and she will never need anything. she'll go to school, she'll have fun, she'll talk to you, and one day, hopefully, you'll reunite."
>i take a deep breath and let em's mouth go, we both look at lacey. "but it's all on you. we can leave tonight, and no one will know. or we can leave tonight, and everyone will. and maybe i go to jail." jesus fuck what a burden to put on a 13 year old girl who is hugging a god damned laptop to her chest, staring at both of us.
>"and you would trust me with this?"
>i laugh and lean back, raising my hands. "what choice do i have? she told you, so.. i mean.. you're the only one that knows."
>"and you trust him, em?"
>she looks back at me for a moment, then nods. "more than i trust the rest of my family. you know that." god, if i could only open the envelopes i had..
>please. please come here, please come to our side, you are the last cog. we wait.
>she relaxes and unzips her backpack, putting the laptop into it. "i'll say i got it at goodwill." oh fuck, it's happening. "it's rather outdated anyway, but it'll be how i can find you." she zips it back up and hoists it on her lap.

>"use your real name, i won't. i'll find you, i promise!"
>em hugs lacey around the neck, who looks about as happy as someone getting socks for christmas. she's glaring at me.
>"if.. if you ever hurt her, i'm telling everyone, you understand? everyone will know."
>i nod. "i understand, lacey."
>start truck, drive.
>her house is no more than 4 blocks away, i pull up in front of it.
>em grabs her in a hug, which is more of a hug to em and a point and a middle finger to me, which makes me grin, which makes her grin too.
>"real name, remember?"
>"real name."
>i don't look, out the windshield.
>"bye, em."
>"bye, lace."
>and the door shuts.

---

this degenerates into raw emotion that i felt that night. i'm sorry if it's not descriptive.

>i drive back to the park, truck off, we sit. i let her cry. i let her wail and pull her to me, nothing i can say can stop this, i have nothing to compare it to.
>suddenly she jerks up, bashing my chin in the process, both of us rub our bumps, but she looks up at me. "give me your phone! i forgot to tell lacey your e-mail address!"
>my thought process in those days was: listen, security risk? if yes, say no. if no, continue thinking.
>i fish my phone out of my pocket and hold it out to her, she frantically dials the number and holds it up to her ear
>"lacey! i forgot to tell you.. robs' e-mail address is.." i recite it out to her, she recites it back to lacey. "you got that? you wrote it down?" she visibly relaxes. "alright. just.. send me your full name when you sign up for one yourself so i know it's you."
>"uh huh. got it? you're sure.." i look at her, she's staring at the ground. i slide my hand through her hair, she sniffs. "i love you, lacey." and closes the phone.
>"em.."
>"em, we can always go back."
>"TO WHAT." she is staring up at me, nearly bawling, holding it back. "to what, that.. b.. bitch beating me? to not having friends except for lacey, to that god awful girl critisizing me?" hambeast jr. it takes me a second.
>i pull the blanket off our suitcases and ball it up next to my hip. "c'mere. lay down." she does, she curls up in the fetal position and if i weren't fucking behind the wheel i would do something about it.
>"you ready to go?"
>nod
>"you're damn sure you're ready to go."
>nod
>"then let's get the hell out of here."
>i pull the truck into drive, we move.

>first stop, bank. i leave em in the cab, and close my accounts. they ask why? i'm moving. they ask what? i say cash. as much as possible, and if you don't have that on hand, a cashier's check.
>i leave with seven thousand dollars in cash and the rest in a piece of paper.
>we're off.
>drive, stop, refill, drive.
>em sleeps the day away.
>and it happens, around 6pm. caller ID: dad.
>"where are you? i thought you were picking em up from school?"
>"i did! we were coasting around town and decided to get some dinner and ice cream."
>"oh. well get her back before 9, (an hour before her bedtime) alright?"
>"sure, no problem."
>click.
>drive. hours away.
>em is sound asleep still, i feel the need to buckle her up but i'm a good driver. well, looking back on it anyway.
>10pm
>phone.
>"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, WHERE THE FUCK IS EM, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE BACK HOURS AGO"
>hm, hambeast called me. not often that happens. i let her tire herself out. finally, when i can get a word in.. "is dad still awake?"
>all i hear is panting until "here he wants to talk to you."
>"where are you two? it's ten at night!"
>i remember pushing down on the gas pedal, the further we were from them..
>"i know it is, dad."
>my dad liked to play the silent treatment when he was on the phone, forcing the other one to speak when he was unhappy. not this time.
>"we're not coming back."
>"EXCUSE ME? what the fuck do you mean you're not coming back?"
>get her out of here, just..
>"what the fuck are you doing, robert?"
>"taking both her, and me, away from all of you."
>"and what gives you the fucking right to take my daughter away from me? where the fuck are you going?"
>i felt it coming, i had pulled off in an exit, and sat in a gas station, letting my father rant at me. i could hear him panting into the phone, he was so mad.

>"listen, do you have the ability to sit down, and hear what i have to say?"
>"YOU LITTLE SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU.." continue for a few minutes.
>"tell you what, when you're ready to talk to me, call me back." and i closed the phone.
>i won't lie, my powerboner stretched for miles. the first time being in control? good god..
>we started back on the highway.
>so i waited. em was still asleep, curled up on the seat, and i felt my phone vibrate.
>open, to ear, listen.
>nothing.
>silent treatment again, how wonderful. i hang up.
>call, to ear, listen.
>"YOU BRING HER THE FUCK BACK OR I SWEA--"
>i do miss flip phones. i close it.
>i sit there, driving, for a good hour, stroking em's hair. 11pm. nothing from them. i wonder idly if they've put an APB on us?
>the phone vibrates again, and i take the call.
>i don't hear anything. i know it's him, the number matched at least.
>"are you ready to listen?"
>nothing
>"hello?"
>"i'm here."
>"are you ready to listen?"
>nothing
>nothing
>"yes."
>"can you listen to me and not interrupt until i am done?"
>nothing
>nothing
>"yes."
>and here is where the scales tipped.

>on the road, still on the phone, heading west
>deep breath
>"em and i are leaving. we are going somewhere that you will never find us. i will make sure of that."
>nothing
>"do you know why?" i dont wait for an answer.
>"what kind of man witnesses his daughter being beaten by a stranger? A STRANGER? AND DOES NOTHING" i'm yelling at this point, em wakes up and i look at her. i have to make this short. please, make this short.
>i turn towards my window, hoping she won't hear. "that's not all i know about you and that woman. if you value what is left of your family, you'll stay the fuck up tonight, by the phone. and you'll wait for my call. do you understand?"
>nothing
>nothing
>i make the motion clapping my ears closed, em does and yell as hard as i can into the phone.
>"DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?"
>nothing
>"yes."
>i close the phone, and throw it on the dashboard. em tries to catch it but it falls on the floorboards.
>"was that dad?"
>my foot was down like a lead brick, ease up. back to 70.
>"yeah."
>"what'd he say?"
>"that.. we'd talk to him.. later. tomorrow, i think."
>"you fucking liar." she on her knees, facing me, NOT wearing a seatbelt. ugh.
>i turn and look at her, my little sister calling me a 'fucking liar'. some guardian i'm turning out to be.
>"em, what do you want me to say? i'm mad at him. you know why i'm mad at him. right?"
>nothing
>"em, if you want to go back.."
>"NO!" she crawls over at me and i push her back to her seat, god knows we don't need a state trooper seeing this.
>"put on your seatbelt, jesus! fuck. we're in enough trouble as it is." i'm not sure when i stopped censoring myself to her? i think this might have been it.
>she does, and looks at me. "you won't turn around, right?"
>road. look at the road. glance at her jesus christ she looks so pathetic.
>"no, em, i've made up my mind."

>"have you?"
>i look at her, she looks at me, i turn to keep on driving. "have you?" i answer
>she takes far, far too long to answer, i'm digging my fingers into the steering wheel.
>"i'm with you."
>i laugh. "because i made you like that or because yo.."
>"because i want to be, robert."
>first time she's ever used my full name.
>speed up, get us the fucking hell out of this place.
>we pull into a hotel, days inn, comfort somethingorother, i tell em to stay here, lock the doors, i'm going to get us a room.
>ask for a queen, hand him my ID and debit card, but pay up front in cash for the first few nights. he makes small talk, i tell him me and my kid sister are out looking at this or that college, he says check out these places too, blah blah.
>grab the keys, walk back out and collect em. i grab our suitcases, she has the keys and unlocks the door.
>regular room, bed, chairs, desk, tv, closet, bathroom. nothing fancy, but it's away from our troubles.
>em goes bonkers and starts exploring everything she can see, i just close and lock the door, close the curtains, and sit our suitcases next to the bed.
>"why's this tub look like this?" i hear from the bathroom.
>i lay out the envelopes, the check, stub, script on the desk alongside my phone and walk in, looking.
>"see?" she points at the holes around the sides of the tub. a jacuzzi. god, my disgusting, stiff body from driving will thank me for that later, but not right now.
>"oh, it's a jacuzzi. you know how the pool has water jets? it's like that, but hot water."
>her eyes go wide. "oooo. can we try it?"

>that'd give me time to do what needs to be done. "mm, sure. you wait until the water is above the holes here, and then press this button on the rim to start the bubbles." she's getting all excited, tugging her clothes off. she has been wearing them for a while now. i stop her before she removes anything else.
>"listen, i have.. a phone call to make. it may be long. but i need you quiet. can you be, until i'm done?"
>"it's dad, isn't it?"
>i nod.
>"can't i listen?"
>"what i'm going to tell him.. you don't want to hear, em. i promise. you may be able to get away with a curse now and then, but i'm still going to keep you a proper girl."
>she smiles sweetly, then nods. "alright. i'll be quiet."
>i lean down and kiss her forehead and leave her to have her bath, and i close the door behind me.
>rummaging in my suitcase, there was really only one other thing that i desparately needed to bring with me, dad's microrecorder. i grab it.
>i peel my shirt off and toss it on the bed, sitting down at the desk and flicking on the light. i feel gross, and i would give anything to be in that fucking bathtub right now, but there are things i need to take care of.
>i look back at the alarm clock, it's nearly ten pm, but i could call at four in the morning and i'm sure he'd pick up.
>i spread everything out and go over the script once again. my margin notes of remember how dad talks over you. talk through his silent treatments. use them to your advantage.
>i pick up my phone and my hand is shaking. either this works, or we all go down. i find the number.
>send.
>it rings once before i hear a panicked "hello?"
>i press record on the recorder and put him on speakerphone.
>"it's me."

>"where are you? where is em? why are you doing this? look, just come home and we can talk about this and i promise i won't be mad, and neither will your stepmother, just come ho.."
>he drones for a few minutes, i let him wear himself out.
>"hello? robert?"
>"i want you to take a notepad, a pen, and go somewhere she is not. she is not part of this conversation, and frankly, neither are you. this is a list of demands that you are going to meet, or you, and she, are going to jail. have you understood everything thus far?"
>i think maybe i stunned him into silence for a moment before i have to lean back from the phone as he screams into it, how dare you make demands when you're a kidnapper, you useless piece of shit, i have a fucking mind to hang up on you and call the police right fu..
>drone on. he finally stops, i can hear him panting with rage.
>"if you call the police, you, and she, will go to jail, as i have said before, and you will never see me, or em again. if, however, you follow these demands, there is a possibility, in the future, that you can see both of us again."
>defeated now.
>"robert, just please come home, i promise i won't be mad."
>like you were a second ago.
>"and i promise no harm will come to you or em."
>like you disregarded for your new wife
>"just please, bring my baby back to me."
>i would rather kill myself in the most painful way possible.
>"have you understood everything thus far?" god, i sound robotic.
>i don't hear anything for a long few minutes.
>"yes, robert. i have."
>i pick up the envelope, em's writing.
>"i am holding in my hand, a legally postmarked, sealed envelope that holds the confessions of emxxxxxxxxxxx (full name) detailing specific incidents in which your wife, xxxxxxxxxxx (her name), physically assaulted her on multiple occasions, including one in which you, her biological father, ignored the fact that she was being beaten after witnessing it yourself."

>"now wait a fucking minute here, that doesn't mean shit how can.."
>"IN THAT CASE, THAT WOULD MEAN THAT YOU" i raise my voice to talk over him, continuing until he shuts up. "are guilty of negligence in the physical abuse of a minor." i have no idea if this is a thing, just make it sound fucking official. thanks law and order!
>nothing
>"do i have your attention now?"
>nothing
>i pick up the other envelope.
>"as if that weren't enough, i have a legally postmarked, sealed envelope that holds a check from xxxxxxxx company (her employer) made out to emxxxxxxxxx (full name) in nearly the amount of thirty-five hundred dollars, for 'pharmaceutical consulting' - a job in which i am rather amazed a thirteen year old can do while attenting junior high."
>nothing
>"do i have your attention now?"
>"before i give you my list of demands, i would like to ask you some questions. these are not debatable questions, these are not an argument, these are yes or no questions. are we clear?"
>pause
>"yes."
>"good. did you see xxxxxxxxxxxxx (hambeast) physically assault my sister, emxxxxxxx?"
>nothing.
>"i'm not going to answer that."
>"yes, or no."
>"i'm not answering that, because it will implicate me. it's a confession, robert."
>"either you answer yes or no, right now, or you and she go to jail, and you will never see em again."
>i can hear him breathing through his nose, maybe contemplating.
>"yes."
>"and you let it continue."
>"yes, but it was only that one ti.."
>i am seething with rage at his excuses. calm down.
>"the checks, for emxxxxxxxx, from xxxxxxxx company, did you know about them?"
>"not at first, i didn't.."
>"yes, or no."
>"yes." he's getting how this works.
>"she is the company accountant, so she would have access to payroll, correct?"
>defeated. "yes, YES, robert, i get it, get on with it."

>"which makes her guilty of embezzlement if this ever got out, and you, by association."
>"now you understand the situation, i will tell you what i am demanding for not releasing this information to the police."
>"wait.. wait before that, can i ask you some questions? yes or no, like you did."
>this isn't on the script. this isn't anywhere on the script. my first instinct is to say no, but he may divulge something.
>"yes."
>"is she safe?"
>i look at the bathroom door, i hear the faucet running. "yes."
>"she told you all of this herself?"
>"yes."
>"are you having sex with your sister?"
>i look down at the phone. at the microrecorder, the wheels turning slowly.
>say no. say no. define sex, father, what on earth do you mean? say no.
>SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SAY NO. he deserves the truth, if this is ever going to work.
>NO HE DOESN'T HE LET HER BE BEATEN you know he already knows.
>"yes."

>i hear an intake of breath, i'm sure his face is pure disgust. i hear nothing for a long time.
>"since when?"
>"that is not a yes or a no question." more robot speak.
>he slams his hand on the table, i can hear the centerpiece vase rattle. "god dammit, robert!"
>"you realize what this is, don't you? incest, they call it incest, and it's illegal."
>"yes."
>"i could add that to your list of charges, you know. kidnapping, statutory rape, incest. it's ILLEGAL here, robert."
>"you won't."
>"oh yeah? you wanna try me, son? i can pick up the landline with you on the phone and.."
>"you won't, because you're slowly starting to realize what that means."
>"see, i've learned from you, dad. even all the shitty parts of being a negotiator. the dirty bullshit you have to pull to get your way. like right now. you're trying to find leverage over me, and honestly, you have none. you have none at all. what i hold over you trumps everything you could ever do."

Em: "the way you're writing it reminds me of the joker interrogation scene. was it really like that?"
Me: "not word for word, and maybe that influenced how i'm remembering it, but it was a really dark conversation."

>"when mom died, you were forced into the role of a single father. and you did very well, bringing us up, but there were gaps. where there were gaps, i was there for em. you worked hard to provide for us, and i worked hard to provide for her when you were not there."
>"so when you decided to marry that woman, i did not like her, but you deserved to be happy, and maybe it would be a good thing to have a woman around again. i respected you, you obviously loved her, so i said nothing."

>"you lost every ounce of respect i had for you when you let your own daughter be beaten in front of your eyes. when you jeopardized our family by not speaking up when she started her little schemes at that company."
>"i am willing to do whatever it takes to protect em, and nothing will stop me. i would die for her, i would kill for her. i would go to any lengths needed to make sure she is safe. you are not, and so, i removed ourselves from the situation. now, if you're satisfied with my explanation.."
>"you're a monster."
>i look at the phone again, and feel nothing. maybe i am. i look at the door to the bathroom and speak, staring at it. "maybe i am. you would know. you raised me."
>"what do you want."
>i pick up the second sheet of the script and lay it in front of me, a numbered list. get this right, leave nothing out.
>"starting tomorrow, which is wednesday, you will have one week to complete these demands, or all of this evidence goes to the police, am i clear?"
>breathing.
>"yes."
>"write this down, it's a lot of information."
>"one. you will be her legal custodian until she is eighteen years old.
>"two. you will acquire her medical, dental, vision, and school records, and place them in a manilla envelope. with those, i will transfer her to a school of my choosing so that she completes her education properly."
>"three. you will tell everyone, our neighbors, her school, your friends, colleagues, your sister aunt xxxxxxx, and anyone you meet that you have sent em off to a boarding school somewhere - you figure out where - to finish up junior high and high school."
>i can hear him writing, so there's that at least.
>"four. you will keep her on your medical insurance until she is eighteen years old, and from then on, i will take care of her insurance needs."

>"five. you are going to pack up every single item in our room, our bathroom, and her old room that belonged to me, or her, and put it in a unit in the mini-storage company on xxxxxxx and xxxxxxx" (intersection - halfway between here and there, in a small town)
>"six. you are to meet me there, storage unit key in hand, alone. if you bring anyone, if you call the police, all of this information will be released. i have safeguards in place for that."
>"seven. you are to never search for us, and even on the remote chance that you happen to find us, if you contact either of us, this information will be released."
>"have you written all of this down?"
>he's still writing, i wait.
>"yes. i have it all."
>"do you intend to complete this list?"
>"what choice to i have, robert? either i lose you two, or i lose everything. don't you see what you're doing to us?"
>had he said himself, maybe the pang of regret would have lasted longer than it did. but he said us. which meant his wife and her child. and i hold no love for them in any sense of the word.
>"i know exactly what i am doing."
>"i don't know if i can get all this done in one.."
>"you will, that's the deal."
>"and what are you going to do, you were going to go to college. you had saved up for it, are you just going to give that up and what, go flip burgers?"
>if i have to
>"if i have to."
>"and lead what, a life of poverty for you and your sister?"
>i grit my teeth and hiss into the phone. "at least she won't have bruises all over her body from being beaten, DAD."
>nothing. i'm thankful for the pause, that was emotion. you are business. this is business. stoic. calm. relax.
>"now, i told you before that there is the possibility that you will see us again. there are stipulations that i have before this can happen."

>"you do not have to send your wife to jail. you do not have to report her. but for me to even THINK about letting you see em again, you will have to divorce her, and have no contact with her ever again."
>"you can't be serious."
>"i am. let me continue, please. if that were to happen, and you want us to know, place an ad in the classified section of xxxxxxx newspaper, and we will see it, and we will both decide if we want to contact you. it will be her decision, not mine, but i will have the final say. what is best for her is what i concern myself with now."
>"this is the only assurance you are going to get. so you will have to choose. not now, not later, if and whenever you are ready. it's them or us. and i don't want to hear your answer now."
>i throw his logic back at him, he ALWAYS used this on us. "you're angry, and not in the right mindset to make a decision like that." somewhere in my mind, my conscience is looking as smug as FUCK.
>"this is where our conversation ends, and i hope you have written down everything i have asked of you. you will not hear from us until a week from tomorrow, wednesday, at which time i will be in the parking lot of (the mini-storage lot)."
>"after this conversation, this phone will be rendered unusable, and unreachable. everything hinges on what you do, and what you present on the wednesday after next, if you even show up. now, have i made myself absolutely crystal clear? yes, or no."
>"robert.."
>"yes, or no."
>"just know that i love the both of you."
>i'm clenching my teeth again. "yes. or. no."
>nothing.
>nothing at all.
>"yes."
>i press end on the phone and snap it in half.