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Wurm Wrangler Desert Region Special

Jan 20th, 2015
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  1. Artemis stretched as she yawned and took a moment to admire the rising sun. Desert nights always made her so stiff... it was one of the few disadvantages. Come daytime it would get plenty warm though and make up for it.
  2. "Hmm... good morning Ra, Amaterasu, Alpollo... and Big Momma Ignis!" she greeted the fiery orb by the names given to it by pagans.
  3. "The giant awakes!" came a shout. Hm? Has someone camped near her?
  4.  
  5. Indeed they had. A group of people with camels, all humans in bathrobes and pyjamas, with table cloths on their heads and those funny looking, pointed shoes. Artemis always thought they looked funny. And now they kowtowed before her, the little rascals!
  6. The giant Wurm lied on her stomach and rested her head on her hands to observe these silly little desert people.
  7. "OH GREAT ONE, WE BESEECH THEE! HEAR OUR WORDS!"
  8. "You don't have to yell, I can hear you just fine"
  9. "Ahem. Oh Great Serpent, Devourer of the World, we beg of thee! Spare our tribe, and we shall eternally pay tribute!"
  10. None of that made any sense, but maybe she wasn't understanding them correctly. And tribute meant they'd give her something she wanted.
  11. "What kind of tribute?"
  12. "We shall sacrifice thee a virgin boy once every new moon!"
  13. "Eeh? What do I need with so many virgins? I'm engaged you know!"
  14. This seemed to catch the men off guard and they cowered and cried.
  15. "Spare us your wrath, oh great one! We meant no offence!"
  16. "Well duh, you couldn't tell I'm engaged since no ring will fit my finger. When I grew up, the custom made ring I had broke. Hey, I know! Why don't you guys make me a new one?"
  17. "A... ring?"
  18. "Yeah, golden ring. So my boyfriend won't need to worry about it"
  19. They negotiated amongst one another in a very ugly sounding language.
  20. "It is agreed, oh mighty one!"
  21. "Neat! Well, I'm going to go catch some breakfast, bye!"
  22.  
  23. Without waiting for their response, Artemis burrowed through the sand and rushed off. She could slide through effortlessly, as if the sand were water.
  24. She hadn't always been a giant. There was a time when she'd been just another Wurm, working at logging company, practicing martial arts in her free time... and then she had joined the Wurm Wranglers. It had been such a nice place. Sure they didn't have much of a budget, but going all out against a mech was exciting. And then all that bad stuff happened, with the mad scientist and the crazy reporter, and she got exposed to radiation.
  25. And now she was fifty times her original size. It had felt funny, growing that big, and really ticklish. She glowed in the dark for a long time after that, and had to be relocated somewhere where she wouldn't irradiate others or wreck everything by just moving. Wurms sometimes broke the frail man-made structures even while normal.
  26. Artemis didn't know which was worse, the nickname "Wurmzilla", or that she had to be away from Stewie. But Stewie was a grown man, a logger. He could endure it. Maybe. He'd always been the small and frail one in their relationship though.
  27.  
  28. Good thing it turned out Sandworms were immune to her radiating. She could feel the tremors of a few approaching her even now. They were always fun to be around. And even more fun to wrassle with...
  29. Artemis greeted the first one with open arms and the two rose up from the sands to the height of 70 meters before falling down and sending sand everywhere. She coiled her tail around this foe and prepared to face the other, using her weight as an anchor to stay in place while throwing the new foe. What Artemis didn't take into account was the ease with which Sandworms moved in the sand. The one she had coiled around dragged her along with her, and soon she found herself squished between the two.
  30. After a while of tense hugging, all three slacked off and fall on their backs, laughing. The maws of the Sandworm's shells opened and their small, womanly innards emerged, both being hugged by their husbands as intently as the Monsters had been just moments before.
  31. "Well aren't you frisky today, Sandwurm!"
  32. They started to slowly slither along the desert, heading to a nearby oasis for breakfast. Artemis had all her meals paid for by the government in exchange for providing samples for experiments. Since her scales shed naturally anyway, she didn't see that as a bad deal at all. If only they'd get her back down to a reasonable size soon. It had been a long time since she'd felt Stewie's rugged chest hair all over her sensitive tummy and bosom, and she couldn't even schlick in the desert because she was scared she'd get sand in her lady parts.
  33.  
  34. While Artemis was enjoying a nice banquet, a familiar face showed up.
  35. "Ah, Giant Wurm! Good day!"
  36. It was Aziz, from Wurm Wranglers. He was a big, hairy man as well. Reminded her a lot of Stewie. Homesickness struck again.
  37. "Hi Aziz..."
  38. "Is great news Giant Wurm!"
  39. "Hmm?" Artemis was only cautiously optimistic.
  40. "See, Pharaoh's scholars discovered something in a tomb, tomb that collapsed, they were going to do repairs, but what they found had to be brought to light, see?"
  41. Sometimes Artemis felt Aziz didn't have an accent and that he actually spoke perfect English if he wanted to.
  42. "So...?"
  43. "Golems!"
  44. "What about Golems?"
  45. "Aah, thick headed Giant Wurm, they discovered Golems!"
  46. "I got that, but what does it have to do with me? I don't need dolls!"
  47. "Ah, not little Golems, that is to say, not man sized Golems that fit in Giant Wurm's Giant Claws, Big Golems, Giant Golems, built thousands of years ago to subdue Sandworms!"
  48. Artemis perked up.
  49. "But that's so cool!"
  50. "I know! Wurm Wranglers asked Pharaoh, can they work, or do they go to museum or back in tomb or what? And Pharaoh, she says is okay, we see if they work! Great news, yes?"
  51. "Kind of... I mean, if they can do it with Sandworms, why not me?"
  52. "Yes! And so they send Aziz to get you, because Combat Fighter is still in repair, and because they think Aziz hails from desert. Racist if you ask me, but Aziz can't sue employer, Aziz loves his work!"
  53. "So when do I get in the ring with them?"
  54. Aziz' moustache twitched.
  55. "Golems need juice to run..." he said.
  56. "Hmm? What do they run on? Nothing too hard to get, right?"
  57. "N-noo, is not hard to get..."
  58.  
  59. At that moment Artemis saw one of the strangest sights of her life. A Girtablilu, a scorpion woman, jumped down from the roof of a nearby building, dressed all in white... a nurse's uniform.
  60. "Mr. Maël, please wait! Your contract says you are obligated to donate at least four times the amount you gave! Running away will not help you!"
  61. "Dammit! We see later, Giant Wurm!"
  62. With that, Aziz ran off, the Girtablilu nurse chasing after him.
  63. "Ooh, it runs on jizz..." Artemis said, the fact of the matter dawning on her.
  64. "J is for Jizz!" Alphabet Wurm said proudly.
  65. "Wait, when did you get here?"
  66. She shrugged. Not that it mattered. Soon Artemis the Gigantic, Irradiated Wurm with Martial Arts Skill would get to wrestle against a Gigantic, Ancient Desert Anti-Sandworm Golem. If this was a movie, the kids would love it.
  67.  
  68. ***
  69.  
  70. The man who called himself Achilles was sneaking about the oasis, incognito. He had formerly been the pilot of the Edgemeister, a mecha so edgy it was a perfectly round sphere. He had intended to destroy Wurms with it. That had not worked out.
  71. His first match had ended with his opponent, an older, unmarried Wurm by the name of Nelly, using his mech as a volleyball or something, playing catch with herself. After the mechs were all decommissioned, following the incident with the plutonium warheads, she had taken it upon herself to ensure he stayed out of trouble.
  72. Now he had managed to slink away though, while she was sunbathing. Good, he would find himself the tools to build an IED and...
  73. "Achey-wakey! There you are you naughty boy~!"
  74. Shit!
  75. "You know you shouldn't be running about like that, you need to save your strength so you won't get too worn out from donating your stuff to the nice brown people to use in their big toys!"
  76. Why was she talking to him like that? It was infuriating. He hated Monsters more than anything in this world.
  77. Achilles unfolded his switchblade. It was all he had to fight this beast.
  78. "G-get away from me you Monster!" he shouted, swinging his tiny blade around.
  79. "Achey-wakey! That's very dangerous, you might cut yourself with that edge there!" Nelly rebuked him, approaching him without a hint of concern for herself. The blade broke immediately upon contact with her scales.
  80. The Wurm coiled around him tightly enough to stop him from moving, but so gently it didn't hurt. Not that he cared, he kept shouting and screaming.
  81. "Achey-wakey's cranky and fussy again! Good grief... do you want some bitty?"
  82. Traumatic memories of the previous incidents assaulted his consciousness and he stiffened. No. NO! NOT THAT!
  83.  
  84. Without waiting for a response, Nelly pulled down her swimsuit to bare her breasts and stuffed his face into one. Achilles found himself somewhat smothered, but he could still breathe. In a desperate attempt to free himself, he tried to bite down on the nipple before him as hard as his jaws would allow. The Wurm, while certainly sensitive to stimuli, did not experience significant pain from this, and was rather aroused.
  85. "Ah, greedy, aren't you? If I had anything in there, you'd be sucking me dry!"
  86. Achilles couldn't bring himself to remove his lips from the nipple anymore. He felt utterly defeated.
  87. "Well, let's get you milked, at least..."
  88. Oh no...
  89. "They asked for so much, I though they were joking at first, you know?" she made conversation while removing his pants and underwear, exposing his genitalia that, for some inexplicable, inconceivable reason, were perfectly ready for the milking. Achilles hated every moment of this, why was his body aroused? It must have been that magic... yes, all Monsters had that magic... it wasn't his fault... not his fault...
  90. "Lucky they let me do it, those nurses just looked like they wouldn't know how sensitive you are... they might have been too rough! But at least the tools they gave me are decent..."
  91. Nelly produced an onahole with a segment for collecting the discharges, and applied it to his stiff member.
  92. "GHHH!" he moaned, the nipple still in his mouth. She squeezed so hard!
  93. "Ara ara~" Nelly petted his hair with her other hand. "So impatient..."
  94. Her movements were more gentle, but they were relentless, and Achilles found himself biting down hard again.
  95. "Oooh... don't be so selfish... not just the teeth..." Nelly ordered him, and Achilles, having lost all willpower by this point, succumbed completely and began to suck on her and use his tongue to play with her. Knowing he had calmed down, Nelly momentarily loosened her coils for a moment, and in the brief moment his arms were free, they darted for her ample breasts.
  96. "That's it... that's a good boy..." Nelly cooed. "When we get back from here, we'll get you a proper haircut, and remove all those ugly piercings and tattoos, and get you proper clothes that aren't torn, and then we'll get married..."
  97. Achilles came.
  98. "Ooh, so soon? Well, we do need to hurry... let's keep it up!"
  99. What? NO!
  100. "Oh don't be such a baby, you're young, you can do it again, and again, and again... oh I can't wait to get married to you and making lots of babies with you..."
  101. CAN'T SHE AT LEAST SLOW DOWN?
  102. Her movements did not slow down. It was as if his orgasm was of no consequence. Monster! How could she?!
  103. "Ara~! Didn't I tell you not to be so selfish? Again with nothing but the teeth! You're jaws aren't clamps Achey-wakey, and your hands are free, too! Use them, don't make me make your hiny achy!"
  104. That was not a joke, it was a threat she would very much follow through on. Achilles got back to work.
  105.  
  106. "Excuse me, ma'am?"
  107. "Hmm?"
  108. Achilles was torn between his shame and wanting to hide by keeping his eyes closed, and a cautious optimism that whoever was speaking might be his way out of this. He solved the problem by opening one eye.
  109. Turned out it was not his way out of this.
  110. Standing next to them was a well tanned, olive-skinned... GAH! HORNS! HOOVES! ANOTHER MONSTER!
  111. The Holstaurus was dressed like a priestess, and as such her clothing was rather revealing. Her breasts seemed full, even for a Holstaurus, and there was a child on both sides of her, one girl and one boy, both human and both holding on to the hems of her dress.
  112. "I was just wondering, since you seem to enjoy simultaneous milking, that maybe you would be interested in..."
  113. Before she finished, Nelly let out a little yelp, as she realized they were, in fact, in public.
  114. "Oh my, I'm dreadfully sorry..." she mumbled, but the Holstaurus merely smiled a beaming smile at her.
  115. "Fear not ma'am, you have done nothing wrong! For lovers to milk one another is a beautiful thing, and set a good example to the children!"
  116. She patted both children on their heads to emphasize this.
  117. "What I meant to ask was if you had yet heard of the Hathorite ointments for help with lactation?"
  118. Nelly stared at the beaming face.
  119. "Ointments?"
  120. "Uh-huh. Our temples produce them in large quantities, as well as all manner of aphrodisiacs and fertility drugs! Our incense, scented candles and spice mixes sell all over the world!"
  121. "But... I'm not pregnant... yet..."
  122. "That's fine ma'am! The ointment will make you produce milk in any case! They also may increase your bust size and add a little extra weight here and there, but nothing too serious, I assure you, so even women looking to keep their figures trim can use it! The consumption of the milk will make your Adonis there into a much stronger and more durable lover, with sooo~ much more bullmilk being produced, he'll need a milking as often as you will!"
  123. The sales pitch worked and the Wurm and the Holstaurus shook hands. At no point did the piston movement of the other hand cease, and after hearing what was in sore for him, Achilles' spirit broke. There was no point in resisting, why not enjoy himself?
  124.  
  125. ***
  126.  
  127. "Good day to all of you, dear citizenry! I, Ansupth, welcome you all to the Royal Arena in the name of Almighty Ra and her representative on Earth, our most illustrious Pharaoh! Let her light shine upon all of you as..."
  128. "And I'm Odetta, the lapdog's fellow announcer, welcoming you all in the name of Me, Myself, and I, the Trinity of Serpentine Sexiness, but not underage like the Serpenteens! "
  129. "That introduction was absolutely shameful"
  130. "So's your chest"
  131. "..."
  132. "Anyway, we're here to witness a bunch of redundant museum-piece... what do you call them Annie? Golems?"
  133. "T-they are Guardian Statues from the long forgotten tombs of the Pharaohs of old, powered by the spirit energy of men..."
  134. "So they're Golems that run on jizz? What depraved despot came up with that idea? Hah!"
  135. "A-and the crowds are cheering now, as the Guardian Statues begin their diagnostics programs!"
  136. "You mean they're just flexing?"
  137. "So it would seem to a foolish snake! But they are checking their own functionality as the computers of today would! Truly the architects of old were ahead of their times!"
  138. "Makes you wonder why you're stuck with Lego blocks..."
  139. "What was that?"
  140. "Nothing..."
  141. "I thought so! Now, to introduce these magnificent constructs... first, the Het-Heru, representative of Hathor!"
  142. "...who you can recognize from the redundantly tig ol' bitties..."
  143. "Eurgh... to her left, we find Bast, The Firecat!"
  144. "Firecat? Why would you associate a cat with fire?"
  145. "Left from her, we find Neith, the Amphibious Huntress!"
  146. "What use is being amphibious in the desert? That's just dumb"
  147. "AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST! Nefertiti Nephythys, the Anubis Guardian Statue! The name Nefertiti Nephythys means..."
  148. "That's not what it says there."
  149. "W-what?"
  150. "The Golems, they all have their names written on them, there, right above the heart, see? It doesn't say Nefertiti Nephythys. It says Anubutt"
  151. "Quiet, you!"
  152. "No, seriously, everyone can see what it says..."
  153. "So there were Grapesnakes in the ancient times as well..."
  154.  
  155. The crowd was most pleased. Four unique, huge constructs. Would Wurmzilla face them all at once, or one at a time?
  156.  
  157. "Now I'm sure you're all wondering what manner of combat we will witness here today! The Pharaoh, in her infinite grace, has deemed it fit to organize the battle into three separate portions! First, The Great Sandwurm will do battle against the weakest of the four, the Het-Heru!"
  158. "Actually, it says on the chart that the Anubutt is the weakest"
  159. "S-silence!"
  160. "No seriously, Pharaoh's list says the order is Wurmzilla vs. the Anubutt, then Wurmzilla vs. Bast & Neith, both at once, and if she wins, Wurmzilla vs. Het-Heru"
  161. "W-wait, why does it say "if she wins" only after the two? Is there a typo?"
  162. "Nope! It's obvious she'll win against Anubutt!"
  163. "I hate you so much..."
  164.  
  165. Below the arena, Artemis the Wurmzilla, the Great Sandwurm, Honorary Being of Eternity etc. was suffering from an unprecedented case of stage-fright.
  166. "We never had this many people watching us back then..." she complained.
  167. "You'll be fine, Arty" said Michigan Slick, founder and CEO of Wurm Wranglers. His wife, Marianne Silverstein-Michigan Slick, was pacing around and talking on the phone heatedly.
  168. "But what if I choke up?"
  169. "You won't choke up"
  170. "But what if I will?"
  171. "You won't"
  172. "Bu..."
  173. "NO!"
  174.  
  175. Artemis devoured another bag of peanuts. It was one of those sacks meant for elephants, she found them to be perfect for snacking. She could down a bag like that to begin with, of course, but after the incident, they had become much easier to... down. Down the gullet. Oh dear, was she binge eating because of stress? That could make her scales fall off!
  176. "KYAAH~!"
  177. "I'll call you back... Oy! Can you shut the freak up?"
  178. "Now, now, don't go calling her a freak, it's offensive..."
  179. "Freak, mutant, whatever it is, it ain't natural!"
  180. "I'm right here you know..."
  181. "Quiet you! Husband! Saul says if the Wurm Wrangler Desert Region Special doesn't get proper ratings, we're getting cancelled, for good! No more support from the network, no more sponsors, no more merchandising, no nothing, nada. And without the mechs, you know what means?"
  182. Michigan Slick looked at his wife with a serious look on his face.
  183. "We'd be dead in the water"
  184. "More like up Hobo Creek without a paddle and an Obama campaign poster on our ferry"
  185. "Who said that?"
  186. The three looked around, but saw no one.
  187. "So anyway Freak, no pressure!"
  188. "No pressure? Mrs. Silverstein-Michigan Slick, my scales are coming off! And it's not shedding season!"
  189. "Oy vey, just you get up there and maybe flash some soft, uncovered flesh to the cameras, yes?"
  190. "You heard the lady, Arty. Makes us proud!"
  191. "Make us money!"
  192. "O-okay..."
  193.  
  194. The floor of the arena opened up and the underground elevator platform lifted the giant Wurm up. She was greeted with cheers, and as she turned her head about in confusion, she witnessed all four of her would-be enemies. This might not be so bad... but then she heard the announcers.
  195. "And there she is! The real life kaijuu! A beast forsaken by the gods, a foul spawn of science gone wrong! A TRUE MONSTER!"
  196. "Kick their stony asses girl! WHOO!"
  197.  
  198.  
  199. The Anubutt
  200.  
  201.  
  202. "LEEEET'S GEEEET REAAADYYY TOO WRANGLEEE~!"
  203. "That's, uhm, 'rumble'"
  204. "Whaat~?"
  205. "T-the announcement you dumb snake, it's supposed to be rumble! It's tradition!"
  206. "Please An, you're embarrassing yourself!"
  207.  
  208. The Anubutt, modelled after an Anubis with a big, protruding bubble butt, lowered itself into a crouching stance, as a canine ready to pounce at prey. Artemis the Wurmzilla spread her tail out into as wide a circle as she could to have a firm stance. The Golem was of an impressive size, almost as big as an Anubis would be when compared to a Wurm in nature. That is to say, much smaller.
  209. "WAN!"
  210. The Anubutt pounced on her as the sound waves hit her. Artemis lost her balance and fell all the way to the floor. The Golem was strong!
  211.  
  212. "See that?!? Truly the genius engineers of old make the race of Anubis proud!"
  213. "And your Lego forts are pretty, too!"
  214. "SILENCE!"
  215. "Oh, look! The dog got mad! Ah, I don't mean you An!"
  216. There was some incoherent growling.
  217.  
  218. Artemis used her fabulous abs to sit up, the Anubutt firmly hugged against her chest. The canine Golem struggled and barked, but was unable to escape her grip. Artemis did not stop her movement once she was standing up, falling forwards instead, letting her weight fall on the Golem.
  219. "Wow" she thought, "these floor tiles are really sturdy! They're not even cracking!"
  220.  
  221. "Ladies and gentlemen, hoes and bitchboys, there you have it! The snake is mightier than the dog!"
  222. "Silence! 'tis merely a setback!"
  223. "You mean like that time the wage-slave with a big dick set you on your back and..."
  224. "THE GAMES CONTINUE!"
  225. "Not really... one... two... oh! Looks like the mutt isn't out yet!"
  226.  
  227. The Anubutt may have been pinned down by the shoulders, but before the count was finished, it had managed to push Artemis up with its hind legs, then kicking her off from on top of itself.
  228. There was another loud thump, and Artemis once again found the arena's durability to be quite impressive. Suspiciously so. What the hell was it made out of?
  229.  
  230. "I've got to hand it to you An, that mangy character can really squirm!"
  231. "..."
  232.  
  233. Wurmzilla got up. Her and the Anubutt were circling one another now. This was harder than she had assumed it would be...
  234. "WAN!"
  235. The soundwave struck her again. This time Artemis was more prepared for it though, and when the Anubutt pounced on her, she weaved her body to the right, delivering a punch to the mutt-god statue's side.
  236. The Golem let out a sound that resembled a whimper as it fell to the floor. Damn, it must have been designed to play on the sympathy of its foe!
  237. Whiny noises continued. The Anubutt made no attempts at getting up.
  238. "Umm..." Artemis approached the construct, having quite forgotten it was not a living being.
  239. "Are you alright?"
  240. The Anubutt jumped at her throat, digging its teeth in.
  241. "H-hey! Down!"
  242. Artemis tried to pull the Golem off. The teeth were quite firmly planted in her scales, and the paws held her shoulder as firmly as they could. The Anubutt couldn't be pulled off.
  243. "Hmph!"
  244. Artemis punched it to the side again. The construct swayed to the side, but did not fall off. She punched again, from the other side. Then again from the first. And again. Left, right, left, right. So pummelled Wurmzilla her foe, and like a pendulum the Golem swayed.
  245.  
  246. "A-as we can clearly see here, the ancient engineers constructed a nigh indestructible machine as their guardian! T-the Anu...b-butt, is, is..."
  247. "An over glorified guard dog, yes, thank you An. But I've got to hand it to you, the hound is holding on to the Big and Beautiful like a West Highland Terrier to a sock!"
  248.  
  249. This was not going anywhere, Artemis didn't want to hit hard enough to break the Golem since it was a museum piece, but she wasn't going to win like this... oh well. When in doubt... something, something... what was it that Stewie had said? Eugh, better just pin it and be done!
  250. Artemis the Wurmzilla lifted her upper body higher and higher, leaving less and less of her tail supporting her weight. Once high enough, she aimed carefully at the floor of the arena and smacked her chest down with the force of... however much mass she had.
  251. The Anubutt was not in a position it could escape from anymore; unlike before, its legs couldn't push the Wurm off.
  252.  
  253. "Ooh! Looks like this is it! Come on An, let's count it down together!"
  254. "Ah... yes! Uhh..."
  255. "ONE!"
  256. "TWO!"
  257. "THREE!"
  258. "AAAAND WE HAVE A WINNER! What no doubt comes as a surprise to absolutely no one, The Incredible, The Amazing, The Magnificent, The Extraordinary Wurmzilla has triumphed against the Poochie-bot!"
  259. "STOP CALLING IT NAMES!"
  260. "I'm sorry, I of course meant the Poochie-butt!"
  261. "..."
  262.  
  263. Thus ended the first battle.
  264.  
  265. Bast & Neith
  266.  
  267.  
  268. "Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, the magnificence of ancient engineers will..."
  269. "NO BREAKS BECAUSE THE GOLEMS ARE SHITTY AND CAN'T WIN FAIRLY!"
  270. "WILL YOU STOP THAT!"
  271. "My, oh my, Ansputh, no need to shout, I'm right next to you!"
  272. "Y-you just... you just, you just did the same!"
  273. "No I did not poochiebutt! I addressed my words to the audience, not to you, and as such it was mandatory"
  274. "Sometimes I hate you so much I just want to..."
  275. "The mics are open dear"
  276. "ARGH!"
  277.  
  278. Artemis was doing some stretches while this was going on. This was really silly stuff. She'd almost forgotten why she was even here in the first place. Something about charity?
  279.  
  280. "But now, now I say, the days are numbered for this monstrosity! For Bast the Firecat and Neith the Amphibious Huntress are going to fight her together, as a team!"
  281.  
  282. That's unfair!
  283.  
  284. There was no time for protests. The two Golems began to move and took position on opposite sides of Artemis. Bast, a big Cat Girl, was set ablaze by whatever magical runes had been carved into it, and Neith, the mostly human looking one armed with a gigantic bow began to... sweat? No, not swear, but water poured out of the Golem and began to form some kind of armour, again through magic.
  285.  
  286. "And there you see the ingenuity of the workers of old! The flames on the Firecat make enemies repel away in fear, and the watery shield around the Amphibious Huntress protects her from all harm! Such a duo cannot be beaten by any foe!"
  287. "Unless that foe does the obvious"
  288. "What are babbling about, serpent?"
  289. "Oh, you'll figure it out"
  290.  
  291. Neith had no arrows, but instead fashioned one out of the water surrounding her. She drew, and fired, at the same time as Bast leaped like a cat does after her prey.
  292. Artemis ducked down to the floor and rolled aside.
  293. The watery arrow splashed against Bast and put out the fires.
  294.  
  295. "And there you have it!"
  296. Bast, being a cat by nature, Golem or not, did not approve of getting wet. The anger and disapproval set it aflame again, and this time it leaped up against Neith.
  297. The two tussled on the ground, neither able to overcome the other, as the shield of water left Neith unable to really do grab its assailant, while Bast was unable to get through it.
  298. Artemis enjoyed the show just like everyone else did.
  299. In the end the two Golems had to be deactivated and Artemis was declared the winner.
  300.  
  301. Thus ended the second battle.
  302.  
  303. Het-Heru
  304.  
  305. "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for this farce!"
  306. "I don't"
  307. "Quiet! Now, the time has come for the final battle! And it shall make up for the fiasco we just witnessed and make you forget all about it!"
  308. "So was it a farce or a fiasco?"
  309. "WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HET-HERU, MODELED AFTER HATHOR HERSELF!"
  310.  
  311. Artemis thought that this last Golem had a little more effort put into it than the previous ones. The carved clothes had every fold recreated from a model in painstaking detail, the hair looked lively, the eyes looked lively, the face and the smile on it looked lively, and the giant boobies looked like they could jiggle made of stone or not. The necklace and bracelets decorating her were made of actual gold. There must've been tonnes of it!
  312. It stirred. Artemis took a stance. They saved this one for last for a good reason.
  313.  
  314. The Golem of Hathor spread its arms wide and spoke.
  315. "Come to me, little Wurm. I have a hug here for you!"
  316.  
  317. The colosseum was stunned into silence. This wasn't fighting. This wasn't fighting at all!
  318.  
  319. Artemis couldn't resist the temptation. She rushed to the open arms of the Het-Heru and threw herself onto her like a Rape-Ball player tackling an opponent.
  320. Both giants had their arms grasped tightly around the other in moments, and the hug was complete.
  321. "There, there~"
  322. The Het-Heru petted Artemis' hair.
  323.  
  324. "It... it seems that the two are evenly matched!"
  325. "No it doesn't you stupid mutt. That's a hug. Of course I'm sure someone like you has never had one, so of course you wouldn't know it when you see it!"
  326. "T-that is it! I cannot work under these circumstances!"
  327. "That's what he said"
  328. "ARGH!"
  329. "That too!"
  330. "Perhaps I should take over?" said a third voice.
  331. "YOUR MAJESTY!"
  332. "Oh, its you"
  333. "Yes, it is I. The situation before us is the result of the wisdom of the ancient Pharaohs who instructed their engineers to make the Golem of Het-Heru use a drastically different method than the others. As you remember, it was against Sandworms that they were built, but to fight a Sandworm only angers them, and causes property damage. This way, however, they could be calmed and be made to change their migration routes, leaving our desert colonies in peace. Truly, it was the kindness of Hathor that saved the day then, as it did today!"
  334. "Your majesty... that was beautiful!"
  335. "What is this, the lesson of a Saturday morning cartoon?"
  336. "Not a cartoon, dearest enemy, but aimed toward children nonetheless, what with the big stone robots and the giant monster"
  337. "HEY!" Artemis shouted from between the Het-Heru's breasts.
  338. "Oh calm yourself dear, 'twas not an insult. And since I'm up here, I might add that Mrs. Silverstein- Michigan Slick said that the Hathorite Temple has paid so much for this event that you'll be getting those... radiation mutagens out of your body as soon as they can fly a Lich here"
  339. "Can't a Lich just teleport here?" asked the Apophis.
  340. "Quiet, you!"
  341. "That's right worm, be quiet when her majesty speaks!"
  342. "You be quiet, poodlebutt! And you! Your tits are fake!"
  343. "HOW DARE YOU SAY SUCH A THING ON A NATIONAL BROADCAST?!"
  344. "HOW DARE YOU PAY FOR IT WITH TAX MONEY?!"
  345. "THIS BROADCAST IS OVER!"
  346.  
  347. Thus ended the third and final battle.
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