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5 away from Total Domination

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May 26th, 2015
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  1. -At birth, baby elephants weigh approximately 250 pounds! Because of this, they are the second largest infant on earth! They are surmounted only in size by the biggest baby known to man, which is you! Hahaha!
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  3. -Did you know that chimpanzees use tools more than any other animal except man? It is for this reason I believe they would be very fond of a 'tool' such as yourself! Hahaha!
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  5. -The sea creature known as a 'starfish' has no brain! I am sure you will be happy to find this is a trait you have in common!
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  7. -The average human tongue has between 2,000-8,000 taste buds! However, I fear it is possible you are medically lacking this feature, as you clearly have no taste!
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  9. -Common earthworms have 5 hearts, which I find to be a fascinating contrast to the fact that you lack any!
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  11. -The average person speaks 4,800 words per day! You, however, are an outlier!
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  13. -Jupiter is comprised mainly of gases! This makes the planet very similar to you, as you are full of hot air!
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  15. -Salt can be used to melt ice! It is for this reason I feel ___'s 'salty' attitude is best suited as an 'ice breaker'! Hahaha!
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  17. -Each year, plants can create and store ten times the amount of energy that humans use! In your case, this is not particularly impressive!
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  19. -Kangaroo rats don't drink water regularly- they get everything they need from the nuts they consume! Given the things you've been saying, I think they would find you particularly hydrating!
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  21. -Isn't it fascinating that absolute zero is the temperature at which all particles cease movement? This is especially interesting, I find, as you seem to be perfectly capable of moving despite being a cold, hard ass!
  22.  
  23. -Were you aware that a lack of proper sleep can hinder growth? I worry that you do not sleep well, as you are very short!
  24.  
  25. -Did you know that the tallest free-standing structure in the western hemisphere, the CN Tower, is 553.33 meters high? You should feel inferior, as this is much taller than you are!
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  27. -The average person's vocabulary contains about 5,000 to 6,000 words, so it has become apparent to me that you are a below average person!
  28.  
  29. -People use approximately 57 sheets of toilet paper per day; however, I believe I will be needing a lot more than that to deal with your shit!
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  31. -Dogs can make approximately 100 different facial expressions, which is 99 more than you seem capable of!
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  33. -Did you know that sea water is approximately 3.5% salt?! What's more interesting is that this is a lower percentage of salt than your attitude!
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  35. -On average, pigs only live about 15 years, so I heartily congratulate you on your unprecedented lifespan!
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  37. -The average person takes 7 to 14 minutes to fall asleep! However, the process can be expedited by listening to you talk!
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