Stained Bears

Mama bear had gained 300 pounds. She rolled down the stairs like a slinky.

Sister and Brother bear were doing hard manual labor against their will in the kitchen. "Mother, you've been making us shuck these peas 'n' corn husks for two straight weeks. I think we can be finished."

Sisterbear coughed up blood in agreement.

"Shit, ma, what happened to yo' bod'?" Bro said.

"I have gained another," Mother said. "These peas will help pay for her expenses."

"But mom," Sister said. "You can't pay the hospital bills in peas."

"Shut the fuck up, you little whore. Your C-Section cost 800 corn husks."

The door opened. It was Pa Pabear. He viciously brought his suitcase up and under the table, sending the peasandcorn hurtling through the smoke-filled air.

"How was your work?"

"Grueling," Papa grueled, punching Honey. "I need to relax," he said.

"Hey, daddy," Brother asked with a wince, "Why are we growing corn if we're only using the peas?"

Papa slowly lowered his coffee mug. "I knew it would come to this," he said grimly with a gaze to his wife.

"Today is the day," Mama chanted. The storm kicked up. "We must tell them of the kink."

"Let us reveal to you the family's greatest secret," Papa said, throwing his children onto the couch.

"I don't get it," said Sister. "The fuck you smokin', pops?"

"It begins with the foreplay," Papa said.

The mother continued, grabbing a vase to demonstrate. "Get over here, big boy." Papa bear scooted across the room like a dog with worms.

Sister Bear was confused and had a graham cracker.

The adult male bear continued. "Now you see, kids, it goes like this. Show 'em, wifey."

Mama punched a hole in the vase, getting glass all over the poor children's faces. "This is step one." She proceeded to use the vase as a makeshift bong.

"I think I'm getting it now!" Brother exclaimed. His pants tightened.

Papa ripped off his shirt, premiering his 2-liter ab. He wheezed. "Just what the doctor ordered," Sister said.

Mama removed her bra, and her boobs unfolded to the floor like a vacation pamphlet.

Brother's penis burst out of his overalls, kind of similar to a zit when you pop the zit. "It's… too… HARD!" Brother screamed in terrified glee. Pee spewed.

"Soeur-ours, regardes-tu?" Frère a crié.

"Then the mommy does something very special," Pap smeared.

"Father, what's happening to you?" Sister Bear complained.

A light emerged from the denim gates. A slow smile spread across Papa's smuglips.

Brother Bear understood what he was gettin' at. He was gazing at the family jewel he had inherited all those years ago.

"It's called a penis, you dumb shit," Papa said, and abruptly smacked her with his.

Mama bear still had her pants on, and they needed to change that. Brother bit down on the zipper, containing the hole he came from. Everything was starting to make sense now. He bored his way through and found it. "Wowzers, Ma!"

Mama bear kicked her son away, and flopped headfirst into the floorboards.

Sister raised the green flag. "Ready, set, GO!"

Brother stuck it in his legal guardian's other hole while his father figure jammed it in the correct answer. "Aw, shucks, there's poop in mine!" Brother whined.

"Shut your damn mou-" Mother started, before being cut off by Sister sitting on her face, using her hair as her own personal toilet paper.

"The thicker quicker picker-upper," Sister let loose.

As the family was doing their business work, Papa felt a sudden rush. "Say, honey booboo, when did the inside of your vagina get so gruff?"

"Whatdy'a meen?" said Mama.

"It feels kinda fleshy in there."

"Oh, shit, I forgot I was pregnant!" Mama gasped as the water broke at different levels of viscosity.

"I'll call an ambulance!" Sister said, rushing to the phone.

"But daaad, I wasn't finished!" Brother said.

"It's okay, you can use my butthole."

Brother and Father had hardcore anal incest while they were waiting for the ambulance to come. When it did, so did they. They all piled into the vehicle with little regard for safety. The nurse mistakenly put an IV in Sister's head instead of Mother's wrist. It hurt a bit, but mother always knows best.

When they arrived at the hôpital, the doctors rushed Mama in on a gurney. Sister went with her, because she was attached to her by the IV. Papa, not wishing to support his dork of a wife through labor, sat in the waiting room with his biggest regret.

"You're the son I wish I never had," Papa said, "Now get out that thing I asked you to bring."

Brother bear loudly passed gas and pulled in a wheelbarrow full of yellow vegetable. "Here's the corn you wanted!"

Papa bear backhanded his son in the face. "No, you dumb shit, I told you to bring the PORN, not the CORN!"

The other horrified animals in the waiting room became very distressed, and the hospital cop tried to tackle the family trees, but he slipped and drowned in corn.

The angry bears beat it out for the next hour or so, until a voice came from the side.

"Mr. Bear?" the nurse said. "Happy Father's Day!"

Papa pushed his bloodied and battered offspring aside and stood up with joy. "What is the sex?" he interrogated.

"It's a g-" Before the nurse could finish the word "girl," Papa had already ripped her head off.

"I wanted a better fucking son!" he shouted.

The Bear family had to flee the scene in fear of getting busted. Mama bear willingly dragged the prematurely-born cub along by the umbilical cord as she bounded home.

When they arrived at the address, they gasped in shock. "We left the bong on!" Sister bear cried out softly.

Papa bear keeled over and had a stroke as he watched the whole life he had built burn to the ground.

"That's life!" the baby shrugged.