I will not waste chalk I will not skateboard in the halls I will not burp in class I will not instigate revolution I will not draw naked ladies in class I did not see Elvis I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes" Garlic gum is not funny They are laughing at me, not with me I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom Tar is not a plaything I will not Xerox my butt It's potato, not potatoe I will not trade pants with others I am not a 32 year old woman I will not do that thing with my tongue I will not drive the principal's car I will not pledge allegiance to Bart I will not sell school property I will not cut corners I will not get very far with this attitude I will not make flatuent noises in class I will not belch the National Anthem I will not sell land in Florida I will not grease the monkey bars I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment I will not do anything bad ever again I will not show off I will not sleep through my education I am not a dentist Spitwads are not free speech Nobody likes sunburn slappers I will not squeak chalk I will finish what I sta "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender I will not fake rabies Underwear should be worn on the inside The Christmas Pageant does not stink I will not torment the emotionally frail I will not carve gods I will not spank others I will not aim for the head I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge I will not conduct my own fire drills Funny noises are not funny I will not spin the turtle I will not snap bras I will not fake seizures This punishment is not boring and pointless My name is not Dr. Death I will not defame New Orleans I will not prescribe medication I will not bury the new kid I will not teach others to fly I will not bring sheep to class A burp is not an answer Teacher is not a leper Coffee is not for kids I will not eat things for money I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee I will not call the principal "spud head" Goldfish don't bounce Mud is not one of the 4 food groups No one is interested in my underpants I will not sell miracle cures I will return the seeing-eye dog I do not have diplomatic immunity I will not charge admission to the bathroom I will never win an Emmy The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man I will not go near the kindergarten turtle I am not delightfully saucy Organ transplants are best left to the professionals The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan I will not celebrate meaningless milestones There are plenty of businesses like show business I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball Five days is not too long to wait for a gun Beans are neither fruit nor musical I will not use abbrev. I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr. I will not send lard through the mail I will not dissect things unless instructed I will not whittle hall passes out of soap Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does Next time it could be me on the scaffolding I will not hang donuts on my person I will remember to take my medication I will not strut around like I own the place The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far I do not have power of attorney over first graders Nerve gas is not a toy I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface The First Amendment does not cover burping This is not a clue...or is it? I will not complain about the solution when I hear it "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism No one wants to hear from my armpits I am not a lean mean spitting machine The boys room is not a water park Indian burns are not our cultural heritage Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things I will only do this once a year I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist I am not certified to remove asbestos I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten I am not my long-lost twin The truth is not out there I am not licensed to do anything I will not hide the teacher's Prozac I will not lie in front of the school bus with ketchup on my face A fire drill does not demand a fire I no longer want my MTV Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story I did not invent Irish dancing I will not tease Fatty There was no Roman god named "Fartacus" Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related Shooting paintballs is not an art form Pain is not the cleanser Silly String is not a nasal spray I was not told to do this My butt does not deserve a website I will not demand what I'm worth I will not mess with the opening credits I am not the new Dalai Lama I was not the inspiration for "Kramer" I will not file frivolous lawsuits The Simpsons Halloween Special IX "butt.butt" is not my E-mail address No one cares what my definition of "is" is I will not scream for ice cream I am not a licensed hairstylist "The President did it" is not an excuse My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld Sherri does not "got back" I will not do the Dirty Bird No one wants to hear about my sciatica Hillbillies are people too Grammar is not a time of waste It does not suck to be you I cannot absolve sins A trained ape could not teach gym Loose teeth don't need my help I have neither been there nor done that I'm so very tired Fridays are not "pants optional" Pork is not a verb I am not the last Don I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize I won't not use no double negatives I can't see dead people I will not sell my kidney on eBay I will not create art from dung I will stop phoning it in Class clown is not a paid position Substitute teachers are not scabs My suspension was not "mutual" A belch is not an oral report Dodgeball stops at the gym door "Non-Flammable" is not a challenge I was not touched "there" by an angel I am not here on a fartball scholarship I will not dance on anyone's grave I cannot hire a substitute student I will not obey the voices in my head I will not plant subliminal messagores I will not surprise the incontinent I am not the acting President I was not the sixth Beatle I will only provide a urine sample when asked The nurse is not dealing Science class should not end in tragedy Network TV is not dead I will not "let the dogs out" I will not hide the teacher's medication I will not publish the Principal's credit report The hamster did not have "a full life" I will not buy a Presidential pardon "Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap I will not scare the Vice President I will not flush evidence Fire is not the cleanser Genetics is not an excuse Today is not Mothra's day I should not be twenty-one by now Nobody reads these anymore A burp in a jar is not a science project Fun does not have a size I am not Charlie Brown on acid I do not have a cereal named after me I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers The giving tree is not a chump Making Milhouse cry is not a science project Vampire is not a career choice I will never lie about being cancelled again Fish do not like coffee Milhouse did not test cootie positive This school does not need a "regime change" SpongeBob is not a contraceptive I will not *Bart slashes chalkboard with axe* My pen is not a booger launcher Sandwiches should not contain sand Over forty & single is not funny I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be Poking a dead raccoon is not research Beer in a milk carton is not milk A booger is not a bookmark Does any kid still do this anymore? I am not smarter than the President Teacher was not dumped -- it was mutual I will not laminate dog doo I will not flip the classroom upside down I will not leak the plot of the movie Je ne parle pas Français Have a great summer, everyone We are not all naked under our clothes Frankincense is not a monster Global warming did not eat my homework I will not look up what teacher makes Pearls are not oyster barf I will not illegally download this movie I will not wait 20 years to make another movie The Wall Street Journal is better than ever I am not an FDIC-insured bank There is no such thing as an iPoddy The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens The capital of Montana is not "Hannah" Teacher did not pay too much for her condo The art teacher is fat, not pregnant A person's a person no matter how Ralph This punishment is not medieval. Teacher's diet is working There's no such month as "Rocktober" I did not see teacher siphoning gas Prosperity is just around the corner Jesus is not mad his birthday is on Christmas I will not use permanent ink on the chalkboard HDTV is worth every cent "March Madness" is not an excuse for missing school I will not have fun with educational toys Four-leaf clovers are not mutant freaks My piggy bank is not entitled to TARP funds I will not mock teacher's outdated cell phone I will not put hot sauce in the CPR dummy It's "Facebook," not "Assbook" The class hamster isn't just sleeping Chalkboarding is not torture I am not allergic to long division I do not have the hots for my mom Halloween does not kick Thanksgiving's ass Teachers' unions are not ruining the country The world may end in 2012 but this show won't World War II could not beat up World War I Hot dogs are not bookmarks This counts as gym and art class South Park - we'd stand beside you if we weren't so scared Eating my vegetables is not a Mother's Day present Batman is not "nothing without his utility belt" End of "Lost": It was all the dog's dream. Watch us. When I slept in class, it was not to help Leo DiCaprio I did not see teacher applying for welfare I must not write all over the walls "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" is as good as "A Charlie Brown Christmas" Candy canes are not elf bones January is not Bart History Month Prince is not the son of Martin Luther King I will not make fun of Cupid's dink I'm not here on a spitball scholarship "Daylight Savings" is not a failed bank I will not ridicule teacher's Final Four bracket I do not deserve a Mother's Day gift for being "one badass mother" It's Kristen Schaal, not Kristen Schall It's not too early to speculate about the 2016 election It's November 6 -- how come we're not airing a Halloween show? "Caucus" is not a dirty word Cafeteria trays are not toboggans Tintin did not sucksuck We do need no education There's no proven link between raisins and boogers I will not replace a candy heart with a frog's heart Bart's earned a day off The true location of Springfield is in any state but yours Call your mother during the commercials I will not wear white after Labor Day I will not concede the election till Karl Rove gives me permission I want to secede but don't know which state I'm in 20 more shoplifting days till Christmas Teacher did not get fat over the holidays I will obey Oscar® campaign rules from now on I was not nominated for "Best Spoken Swear Word" I'm sorry I broke the blackboard Jesus's last words were not "TGIF" This school is not falling apart 25 years and they can't come up with a new punishment All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy We'll really miss you, Mrs. K. My school schedule does not include a bye week Rocktober is not followed by Blowvember I will stop asking when Santa goes to the bathroom I will not call my teacher "Prancer" and "Vixen." Judas Priest is not "Death Metal" My dad's already drunk for St. Patrick's You can't play April Fool's jokes on April 27th