Proprietary’s a mystery man but clearly he’s no fool,
For he’s a prop trader who defies Paul Volcker’s Rule.
He’s the bafflement of Dodd and Frank, the SEC’s despair:
For when they reach the trading floor – Proprietary’s not there!

Proprietary, Proprietary, there’s no one like Proprietary,
He makes his bank a lot of cash but also notoriety.
The sheer size of his trading book would make John Paulson stare,
But when you reach the trading floor – Proprietary’s not there!
You may seek him in his bank’s results, to do so’s surely fair –
But I tell you once and once again, Proprietary’s not there!

Proprietary’s called many things, his presence is denied;
You would know him if you saw him, his VaR is hard to hide.
His brow is deeply lined with thought, his head is highly domed;
His suit is tailored by the best, his timing’s finely honed.
He changes job from time to time with titles that are fake;
But when you think he’s halfway gone, he’s there, make no mistake!

Proprietary, Proprietary, there’s no one like Proprietary,
He hides behind his Bloomberg screens, he’s arbing volatility.
You may meet him in a wine bar, you may see him in The Square –
But when the trade’s been settled, then Proprietary’s not there!

He’s outwardly respectable (if you trust those Chinese walls).
But his punts are really quite immense, his limit never falls.
They call it “marketmaking”, just getting those commissions in,
Or maybe, if they’re really pushed, it’s “enlightened positioning”.
And if you read the bank’s reports and P&Ls with care –
Ay, there’s the wonder of the thing! Proprietary’s not there!

And when those in compliance find a million’s gone astray,
Or the treasury’s faulty algo loses billions in a day,
Or the London Whale’s tempest wreaks so very much despair –
Then it’s useless to investigate – Proprietary’s not there!
And when the loss has been disclosed, the regulators say:
“It must have been Proprietary!” – but he’s a mile away.
He’s sure to be on gardening leave, or moving to hedge funds,
Or engaged in doing complicated long-division sums.

Proprietary, Proprietary, there’s no one like Proprietary,
There never was a job with such amazing lack of clarity.
He always has an alibi, and one or two to spare:
At whatever time the trade took place – PROPRIETARY WASN’T THERE!
They say that all the bankers whose wicked deeds are widely known
(I might mention Adoboli, I might mention young Jérôme)
Are nothing more than agents for the man who quietly fades
Into banks’ opaque balance sheets: the Napoleon of Trades!