FACADE STAGEPLAY
Thu Aug 23 19 48 04 2012
(Ian knocks on the front door.)
(Ian knocks on the front door.)
(Ian knocks on the front door.)
TRIP
Where are the new wine glasses? -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Oh, he's here!
GRACE
What?! You said he's coming an hour from now!
TRIP
No, he's right on time!
GRACE
Trip...!
IAN
OPEN
(Trip opens the front door.)
TRIP
Ian!!
TRIP
Hey! God it's been so long since we've seen you! -- (interrupted)
(IAN kisses trip.)
TRIP
Oh... you're doing the European-style greeting...
TRIP
we just got back from a trip to Italy, but the men only did that with women... generally... but, -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace...
GRACE
No, no, here we are!
(IAN kisses grace.)
GRACE
Ian, -- (interrupted)
GRACE
Oh, yes, let's... (polite kiss on cheek)
GRACE
Ian, you're so sweet.
GRACE
So, come in, make yourself at home...
IAN
I need some dosh right now!
GRACE
Aw, ha ha ha!
GRACE
By the way, you look fabulous!
GRACE
So, Ian, I'm hoping you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha.
(Trip closes the front door.)
IAN
I don't like your decorating
TRIP
uh... uh, heh heh...
GRACE
(nervous coughing)
TRIP
you, uh...
TRIP
that's, uh...
GRACE
(nervous coughing)
TRIP
ha ha, heh...
GRACE
ha ha ha ha ha, heh...
TRIP
heh, ha ha ha!
IAN
What the heck?
GRACE
ha ha ha ha ha!!
TRIP
Ha ha ha, Ian,
GRACE
heh heh heh...
TRIP
heh, you had me going there for a sec...
TRIP
heh, ha ha...
TRIP
Never afraid to push your luck, heh heh heh...
TRIP
put us on the spot...
TRIP
heh heh, you're crazy, you know that?
TRIP
ha ha...
TRIP
(big sigh)
TRIP
Anyway... what were we talking about, heh?
IAN
You guys are really akward
TRIP
Oh, -- (interrupted)
IAN
Drinks
TRIP
Oh, yeah, let me fix us all some drinks in a sec!
TRIP
Ah, you need to help me break in my expensive new set of cocktail making accessories.
TRIP
Ian, Come here, I want you to look at this!
(IAN points to the italy picture.)
GRACE
Ian, come over here and sit on the couch with me.
(IAN points to the italy picture.)
TRIP
No, hold on. Now, -- (interrupted)
GRACE
Trip, darling, your obsession with that photo of yours is making our friend uncomfortable.
(IAN sits on the couch.)
TRIP
(little sigh)
GRACE
Ian, seeing you again makes me remember the wonderful times we all used to have. -- (interrupted)
PHONE
** RING **
GRACE
Oh, I'll get it --
TRIP
No, no no no, our friend's here, we can let the answering machine get it.
PHONE
** RING **
GRACE
Trip, no, I want --
TRIP
Grace, come on, don't be rude.
(IAN gets up from the couch.)
TRIP
It's probably just one your art gallery friends, it seems like they're always calling you. -- (interrupted)
PHONE
** RING **
(IAN picks up the phone.)
(IAN puts down the phone.)
TRIP
Ian, no! Don't do that.
PHONE
Hello? Hello?
(IAN picks up the phone.)
(IAN puts down the phone.)
(IAN uses the answering machine.)
ANSWERING MACHINE
No new messages
TRIP
Uhh, that's my mother, I can hear her loud voice.
GRACE
Oh!
(IAN uses the answering machine.)
ANSWERING MACHINE
No new messages
TRIP
Oh, good, you hung up. I don't want to talk to her.
GRACE
Oh, I wanted to say hello --
TRIP
No no, come on, we're entertaining a friend in our new apartment...
TRIP
the last thing I want to do is talk to my parents.
IAN
I want some drinks
TRIP
Oh, uh...
GRACE
How nice of you to say that. Isn't it good to see our friend after so long?
IAN
Drinks
TRIP
Yeah, hang on, ooh, I'm going to make you one of my fabulous drinks in just a minute!
GRACE
Uhh, Ian, try not to encourage him. -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Huh, I think I forgot how well you two get along...
GRACE
(big sigh)
GRACE
Oh God, Ian, I hope you didn't come here tonight to be entertained...
TRIP
What?
GRACE
Listen to us, we're arguing in front of our friend. -- (interrupted)
IAN
Drinks
GRACE
Okay, okay, this is getting really tiresome...!
GRACE
You know what, I'll be right back.
TRIP
Grace, what are you --
GRACE
No you two keep talking about the bar and drinks and the amazing view and everything...
TRIP
What? Where are you going?
IAN
I WANT MY DRINKS
GRACE
I'll just be in the kitchen.
TRIP
(frustrated sigh)
IAN
Now can I get my drinks?
TRIP
Um, Grace, darling, could you --
TRIP
could you bring out s - some of those... those...
TRIP
spiced walnut... shiitake mushroom... uhh... norwegian salmon...
TRIP
thingies... on those fancy crackers? You know, from our last party... honey?
TRIP
Grace, uh, has a passion for hors doeurves, uh... uh... If -- if it fits on a cracker, Grace will put it there.
IAN
Gimme drink
TRIP
Well, I'm sorry that we're all having this... misunderstanding... tonight.
TRIP
(frustrated sigh)
(IAN picks up a martini glass 1.)
(IAN puts down a martini glass 1.)
(IAN picks up a martini glass 2.)
TRIP
We're fine, you know, we -- we're fine, this -- this is just...
(IAN puts down a martini glass 2.)
IAN
I NEED SOME ALCOHOL FOR ME
TRIP
Heh, we've been a little stressed out lately, with our -- with our new work project, and -- (interrupted)
IAN
DRINKS
GRACE
Trip?
TRIP
Hey -- hey, uh... Ian,
TRIP
I meant to tell you, we're going to have this big, big party next weekend.
TRIP
Do you -- do you think you can make it?
TRIP
It's gonna be great. -- (interrupted)
IAN
yes
TRIP
Sweet...
TRIP
Hey, hey, uh -- why don't you, um... invite that woman in accounting you were telling me about... um...
TRIP
What was her name...
TRIP
Vanessa?
GRACE
Who?
TRIP
Uhh... Oh! Uh, it's, uh, she -- she -- she's a, she -- she's this interesting woman that, uh, our friend works with.
IAN
Yeah, Vanessa
TRIP
She's, uh... into what, skydiving... or was it scuba diving...?
IAN
Skydiving
GRACE
Ian, you've been telling Trip about interesting women at your work? -- (interrupted)
IAN
Ahem, drinks
TRIP
W -- well, uh, I'm going to open an exquisite Bordeaux!
IAN
No
TRIP
What? Oh, I, I thought you'd love that...!
IAN
Merlot
GRACE
Trip our friend isn't as excited by your suggestion as you are.
TRIP
Best of the best, you can't buy this in stores... Very, very special --
IAN
Merlot
GRACE
God Trip, you're just like my dad with the whole wine snob thing.
IAN
MERLOT
TRIP
I'll take that as a compliment. Ian, what do you say?
GRACE
Ian, how about something simple, like a nice glass of chardonnay?
IAN
MERLOT MERLOT MERLOT
IAN
YES
GRACE
Okay, Trip, that's what he wants!
TRIP
No, this is a special get-together, I want to open this wine, I'm not going to settle less!
GRACE
You seem perfectly happy settling for less when you sneak off to that crappy little sports bar down the street!
IAN
CHARDONNAY
TRIP
What?!
GRACE
Don't think I don't know about your secret little hangout where you watch football and drink lite beer with lowly construction workers...
IAN
CHARDONNAY
TRIP
How -- how do you -- how do you know about that --
GRACE
If only the guys at your high class poker games knew about that, huh?
TRIP
What -- you --
GRACE
Some habits are hard to break I guess.
IAN
DRINK TIME
TRIP
Ahh, this is bullshit!
GRACE
Ahh, no, you're full of shit!
GRACE
Your goddamn sports bar... -- (interrupted)
IAN
GIMME DRINKS
TRIP
Ian, wait, I can't fix you a drink right now!
GRACE
You so desperately want to be high class! So badly! -- (interrupted)
IAN
FUCKING LIAR
GRACE
Look, at this point, criticizing me is just going to make it really really bad!
TRIP
(little impatient sigh) Ian, can you believe this?
(IAN knocks on the front door.)
(IAN opens the front door.)
IAN
I was gonna give you pizza
GRACE
What, what are you saying?
(IAN picks up the red wine bottle.)
GRACE
Your goddamn drinks....
GRACE
Trip, all this stuff you do, you're just trying to make us look like we're some kind of perfect happy couple! Like we're so happy!
TRIP
Oh, god...!
IAN
But since you can't do shit
TRIP
Yeah, okay, okay, again with that, yeah, okay...
IAN
I'm leaving
GRACE
Okay, you know what, Ian,
IAN
Without the pizza
GRACE
I need to ask you something.
TRIP
Grace --
GRACE
Trip, let me ask our guest a question.
IAN
So fuck a melon, GOODBYE
GRACE
Ian, yes or no...
GRACE
In a marriage, shouldn't one person try to make their spouse a better person, even if they don't want it?
IAN
SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH
GRACE
Look, you don't need answer, I don't need to hear anymore!
GRACE
Don't you see, Trip?! Our marriage... is a sham, Trip! Don't you see that? It's all fake, all pretend...
TRIP
Oh, Christ...!
TRIP
Uhh! Yeah, go on, get away from me!
IAN
JUST KICK ME OUT
TRIP
I can't frigging take this!
TRIP
Oh... Shit!
IAN
YOU KNOW I ONLY HAVE 1 HAND
TRIP
uhh! -- (interrupted)
TRIP
What are you saying? What?
GRACE
What, I can't hear you, are you talking to me?
TRIP
I was not talking to you!
IAN
KICK ME OUT
TRIP
Ian, this has never ever happened before...!
IAN
SO THAT I CAN
GRACE
Ian, (annoyed sigh) Trip is just so...
IAN
LEAVE
TRIP
Oh, we're talking about me, are we?
GRACE
What?
IAN
Rustle my jimmies
GRACE
Trip, it's your fault -- ten years ago, freshly married and just out of college,
GRACE
you convinced me to go into advertising, instead of art!
TRIP
What?
GRACE
If it weren't for you, I could be a real artist by now. -- (interrupted)
IAN
YOU RUSTLED MY JIMMIES
TRIP
That's bullshit.
GRACE
Uhh...
GRACE
Why can't... uhh...
IAN
Cancer
GRACE
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.
GRACE
What makes me the most angry, Trip, is what you took away from me.
TRIP
What?
GRACE
I wasted ten years in this marriage, making advertisements, and redecorating our apartment! -- (interrupted)
IAN
I don't give ten shits about this
TRIP
Ian, come on, I don't feel like fixing drinks at this moment!
IAN
Did I mention drinks?
GRACE
God, Ian, I'm getting really tired of talking about Trip's stuff, God...
IAN
Are you deaf?
GRACE
(frustrated sigh)
IAN
Trip
IAN
Get a hearing aid
TRIP
Let's talk some more about us both.
GRACE
I get so upset when I think about it... God, I regret it so much...
IAN
And a computer
TRIP
What?
GRACE
Why did I let you convince me to give up painting?
TRIP
Oh, Christ... Ian, uhh...
IAN
Why do I have you fags as a friend
TRIP
Alright, Ian, that's it, you've got to leave.
TRIP
Ian, come on, you've got to go.
IAN
THANKS
TRIP
We can put up with a lot, but we have our limits, you know?
IAN
THANK YOU
(Trip opens the front door.)
(Trip closes the front door.)
IAN
YOU ARE NICE AS HECK
IAN
BITCH