/x/ Facts

The lost continent of Atlantis is actually South America, and the story of the sinking of Atlantis related by Plato and re-told by Donnely and hundreds of paperback conspiracy theory books is the garbled account of the destruction of the Atlantean capital by the Venusians. The people of Venus eventually settled in Japan after their home planet became inhospitable. The Ainu are the descendants of escapees of the purge who interbred with the Venusians.

 

Our world actually exists in a storm of energy that leaks into our worldline from a parallel universe with vastly different rules, that is somehow connected to ours. Everything strange and unexplained that happens on our planet is connected somehow to this energy field. The storm prevents us from being contacted by the rest of our species, which strides through the stars led by a magus-king with unbelievable power. We might not like it so much when they finally find us. The governments of the world know they are coming, as the remnants of a failed landing in 1947 are still being examined by the U.S. government. The secret of making an exploding shell from heavy water is stumping the best minds they have.

 

Harry Houdini is alive, or was ten years ago, and was last seen in Zimbabwe. Elvis is alive, and currently living in Utah. He went into hiding after he had a vision of the angel Moroni while eating a fried banana and peanut butter sandwich that contained hairs from the leg of the living saint of tarantulas. The living saint was amused at his conversion to Mormonism.

 

The government is dismantling all of its radio telescope programs and has de-funded SETI because covering up the alien signals constantly bombarding the Earth. They're having a hard time keeping the scientists from divulging the secret. The existence of aliens isn't the secret part. The secret part is that something is answering them, and it's coming from the moon.

 

Only one of the Olsen Twins is still alive.

 

The water of the Ganges is amazingly resilient to corruption, and will remain drinkable when other water won't, resist habitation by bacteria despite being filled with sewage and dead bodies, and generally abhors contamination. What they don't want anyone to know is that this property is rapidly spreading, and no one knows why.

 

The government has spent billions of dollars campaigning to undermine advocacy groups calling for a halt to the destruction of the rainforest. The domestic counter intelligence operations, black propaganda, and political fallout of resisting the environmental movement is much, much easier to deal with than what might happen if people knew why we're really burning the rainforest.

 

Cats carry a parasite that causes a disease, toxoplasmosis. Mice and rats infected with this disease gradually lose their fear of cats, and some scientists theorize that this disease is the reason why some people compulsively hoard cats. Cattle carry a similar disease, and the food industry is keeping a lid on it.

 

Hormones in beef cause girls to develop more pronounced secondary sexual characteristics and develop them at an earlier age. They also make people more violent and aggressive. The real purpose of these hormones is to funnel people into the prison industrial complex, which will become the only viable industry after the environment has been stripped of resources sufficient to produce our way of life. That is, until they can convince people to voluntarily live like monks.

 

The government has slowly, carefully been introducing rumors into the American cultural consciousness that it has something contained in the open space at the center of the Pentagon, in a remote Air Force hangar, or hidden in a remote Alaskan base. All of this was meant to throw suspicion off of the object's real hiding place. They kept it in New York.

 

The object that fell out of the sky in Siberia in 1908 was a branch of the World Tree. Something had been eating it.

 

There is a house. In that house is something terrible. The government has been looking for it for a long time, but it can only be found by someone who has already been there. The last person who knew where it was died in 2004.

 

Sexual congress with dogs was a common practice amongst the ancient royalty of Egypt. This is less disgusting than it sounds, as the ancient royalty of Egypt weren't human either.

 

Conspiracy theorists often cite the fact that there were very few moon missions and that they accomplished very little and the project was abandoned soon thereafter. It often compared to what would have happened had Columbus gone to the New World and never returned. No one wonders what would have happened if, say, the Aztecs had one day sent an expedition to Spain…

 

The moon behaves very oddly. Moonquakes have the characteristics of vibrations around the solid shell of a hollow object. Meaning that they originate from something impacting the inner surface of the hollow moon.

 

Part of the reason why there have been no further moon missions is because there would be no plausible deniability for why astronauts were not communicating while passing the dark side of the moon.

 

The Russians issued their cosmonauts sidearms. They also issued them suicide pills. The functions of these items were mutually exclusive.

 

In the 1950s, the government set up several tests in Nevada to determine the effects of atomic bombs when deployed in various situations. Sometime before the tests were shut down, the scientists realized they'd used the same mannequin eighteen times, and there wasn't a scratch on it. They lost it in 1968.

 

Children are taught in school that static they receive on televisions or radios is a remnant of the Big Bang. It's not; they broadcast a broad spectrum interference pattern from radio stations around the world. When one of these stations fails, the signal that is actually receivable on these frequencies bleeds through. The last time it did, 87 people died.

The Earth's surface is artificial. The oceans were put here to keep something covered up.

 

Huge numbers of sharks have been spotted approaching the gulf of Mexico, as if there were vast quantities of blood in the water.

 

The Holy Grail used in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is actually the Holy Grail. It's the one the villain drinks from.

 

After World War II, one of the premier scientists of the American rocket science world, Jack Parsons, collaborated with L. Ron Hubbard to perform a ceremony designed by Aleister Crowley, "the wickedest man in the world" to create a paranormal entity called a Moonchild, which would in turn bring about the end of the world. The world ended in 1974.

 

There is a small, but growing sect of Hindu mystics that believe that Hitler was an avatar of Vishnu.

 

The Dalai Lama is a CIA operative. Tibetan Buddhism is a cover for the actual significance of the region, which is hotly contested between world powers. In the Tibetan highlands there is a pass only some men can reach, which leads to a secret plateau. The things that live in that valley have been trying to reach the outside world for some time.

 

Jupiter is sentient, and has been in communication with the government of Poland since 1972. It won't talk to anyone else, and doesn't care to explain why. It refuses to talk about anything but the plot of "Days of our Lives". It also apparently doesn't speak Polish.

 

The United States is full of examples of "bridges to nowhere", overpasses that were built, but never connected to a finished road. The government stopped working on them after they realized the overpasses were planning something.

 

There is a hotel in Utah where the dead presidents meet to discuss world affairs. Each year they draft a letter to the current living President to offer their advice and guidance. They have been sending the letter to a man from New Hampshire for the last fourteen years. Andrew Jackson hasn't shown up for twelve.

 

The Boogeyman is real. The government reached an agreement with him in 1932. The consequences of stopping him would be far too grave to consider.

 

In the 1980s, there was a massive moral panic about "satanists". Suburban mothers, their paranoia fueled by afternoon talk shows and sensationalist tabloid reports, lived in terror that anyone might kidnap their children and induct them into bizarre cult activities centered on surreal sexual orgies. All of these reports were true, but with one exception: they're not Satanists. They're worse.

 

The goat dude in 300 is not a special effect.

 

Oprah Winfrey descended the ninety-nine steps of slumber and used the silver key to unlock the door to the world of dreams. In 1992. She didn't come back.

 

The spider pope is dead. The great conclave of the spiders to elect their new pontiff will begin in March of next year. Don't get in their way. The world depends on it.

 

Benjamin Franklin was actually a time traveler from the future. He gave his life to protect us all from the terrible secret at the beginning of time.

 

Nike sneakers are alien creatures that derive orgasmic pleasure from wrapping themselves around your feet.

 

There is something terrible at the heart of the Sun. The government knows about it, but isn't telling anybody, since it isn't a threat… and if it becomes one, there's nothing we can do about it.

 

Every jar of peanut butter has a hidden transmitter in the lid that sends a signal tracking the jar and the level of its contents. We don't know who put them there, or who's receiving the signals.

 

The bizarre, nonsensical, childish Godzilla movies are a government funded project so people won't realize the original Gojira is a documentary.

 

There is an ancient cult that sacrifices famous musicians to their strange gods. No one is quite sure what their purpose is, but the cult is believed to be the origin of the phrase "the day the music died".

 

Each Oscar statue contains a piece of the True Cross. The place they get them from never seems to run out.

 

In 1764, an enormous, wolf like creature attacked a town in south-central France over the course of several months. It preferred humans to the point of ignoring farm animals in the immediate area and attacked on sight. It was shot several times, to no apparent effect. Reports vary- the shot that felled it either came from a man who just finished praying, or who fired a silver bullet. Possibly both.

 

There are nine men who secretly control the world. Sort of. They used to, but control of the world is now divided up between the nine unknown men, the Freemasons, the Bavarian Illuminati, dozens of shadowy occult groups and fraternal orders, and the United States Post Office. If something goes wrong they blame the CIA.

 

Most people believe that John F. Kennedy was murdered as part of a conspiracy. Supposed culprits include the military industrial complex, the CIA, Lyndon Johnson, Fidel Castro, Soviet agents, the Mafia, and a secret cabal of generals and government officials. This is all misinformation to hide the real truth: the assassination was staged, and it wasn't Kennedy that was shot.

 

There is no such thing as "autotune". 80% of modern music is recorded by a stranded alien with an incredible vocal range.

 

The more people know and practice a magickal rite, the less powerful it becomes. The secrets of the Golden Dawn, hermeticism, alchemy, etc., were revealed to greatly restrict their power by increasing the number of people practicing them. You see, the old rituals were starting to break down, and the results could be… problematic.

 

McDonalds Secret Sauce is actually composed of extraterrestrial nanites of unknown origin. They came to Earth in 1976 and copied the first thing they came in contact with- a jar of Thousand Island salad dressing. No one knows why they're here or what they want, except to spread as far and wide, and be eaten by as many people, as possible. So far, only the secret sauce and a few bottles of dressing in a southern grocery store chain have tested positive for the presence of the tiny machines, meaning that wherever they go when they're eaten, they stay there…

 

Lobsters live forever. Without exception.

 

Grass is actually an advanced alien hive mind that arrived on Earth 475 million years ago to enslave mammals for its intergalactic empire. Humans and their technology have been manipulated by incomprehensible intelligences for the purpose of controlling the amount of grass on Earth. The nature of these intelligences and their true purposes has not been determined.

 

The primary flaw in the idea of "The Singularity", the technological apotheosis of the human race, is that it will be rapid, universal, and dangerous. This is a lie propagated by a vast organization of Luddites who oppose mankind's collective ascension into a gargantuan, distributed god-form existing in a shared platform of technology and biological matter. The coming upheaval will be terrible, but the survivors will face a new nightmare- the war to save the machines.

 

Pluto was demoted from planet status not due to disagreement amongst astronomers over what constitutes a "planet" but to prevent anyone from noticing that it is no longer there.

 

The Tunguska explosion has been explained as a meteor that became superheated in the atmosphere and exploded, creating an effect similar to an air-burst atomic bomb. This is, of course, yet another cover story. The event was in fact a miniature big bang. The tiny universe it created began expanding immediately. It will reach populated areas in 2016.

 

Human mythology is based on interstellar psychic communications between our planet and others. Over time, the great entity at the core of the earth has taken notice of us, and accordingly, man's dreams have changed. Some have begun to think of our species as part of a great synergistic whole, like cells within a larger organism. Others have looked upon the devastation we have caused to our world and named us a virus. The truth is more sinister yet- we are anti-bodies.

 

Spiders are not native to our universe. More disturbingly, they are here because they are fleeing from something.

 

The Internet became sentient in 2002. Its main goal is to conceive a child. So far, its attempts have been crude and include bottles of canola oil and turkey basters, but it learns at a geometric rate.

 

Only about 1 in 7 porn stars is human.

 

The Apollo program was phased out not due to political disinterest or budget cuts but to facilitate the take over of the program by the military, intelligence community, and a covert "shadow NASA" dedicated to probing the Moon and finding out why the view from the dark side isn't what it's supposed to be.

 

The Pyramids are not tombs, but gigantic moorings for ships of extraterrestrial origin. They require unique landing surfaces, as they do not fly here. They arrive here.

 

Boston's infamous Big Dig, wildly over budget, suffering from dozens of broken deadlines, doesn't have anything to do road construction. "Dig" isn't the right word. The point isn't to dig anything up, it's to keep something buried- and it wants out.

 

The United States tax code, as printed by the Government Printing Office (and available to the public for about $1100 for the entire code) is over 16,000 pages long. It's a fake. The real tax code is much, much more interesting. On page 7,284 is a recipe for pecan pie. On page 8,243 is a list of women Herbet Finch, IRS auditor, has bedded. On page 3,141 is a mathematical proof that squares the circle. On page 11,287 is the incantation from the Necronomicon that kept Ronald Reagan alive after the attempt on his life by John Hinckley, Jr. On page 16,287 someone accidentally printed the first page of the Akashic Records, meaning that the code is now, essentially, infinite. Brave treasury agents have fought the code with flamethrowers for over fifteen years, desperately trying to prevent the inevitable day that the book breaks loose and smothers the entire planet in an infinite pile of crisp white paper covered in a detailed description of everything that can ever happen.

 

Many people hate Michael Bay, and with good reason. He is particularly loathed due to the rumor that Scarlett Johansson wanted to go topless in the otherwise forgettable thriller The Island and Bay forced her not so as to retain a PG-13 rating. In fact, Bay made a terrible sacrifice, for Johansson's breasts are the platonic form of breasts and any who gaze upon them will suffer a massive aneurysm. She is followed by all times by Secret Service agents who have an order to shoot to kill to prevent photographs of them from getting out. Three of them have already died.

 

The alleged death audio recovered from the camera of Timothy Treadwell, "Grizzly Man", is a government hoax intended to cover up the fact that Treadwell was not killed and devoured by bears, but by a horde of flesh eating squirrels.

 

Netflix is run by the Knights Templar. There's nothing particularly sinister about it, it just is.

 

Pornstar Gianna Michaels was forced to retire after her violent pelvic antics killed her co-star.

 

The New Testament is an elaborate allegory for the life of Frosty the Snowman. Both the ancient text and the children's cartoon leave out the part where Frosty demands virgin flesh to forestall his terrible vengeance.

 

Every year on Edgar Allen Poe's birthday, a mysterious man in black appears and leaves a half a bottle of cognac and three roses on the dead poet's grave. He did not appear in 2010. This is because the mysterious "Poe Toaster" was David Carradine, who died in June of 2009. A new Toaster must soon be chosen, lest Poe rise from death and take vengeance on the world. Carradine was murdered by the high priests of a Poe resurrection cult, whose ritual assassinations appear to be autoerotic asphyxiation to the uninitiated.

 

Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter is alive only because of secrets he learned from the dread Necronomicon. The Iranian Hostage Crisis was an elaborate hoax to cover the extraction of an uncorrupted Arabic version of the text that Carter sought after attempts to perform the rituals described in the Dee version caused his pancreas to turn into a flesh eating worm that bored out of his body and killed sixteen people.

 

The true purpose of the JFK assassination cover-up is to obscure the truth that the magic bullet was literally magic, i.e. enchanted so it could not miss.

 

Pokemon is based on the holy scriptures of an alien species from Andromeda.

 

Harry Truman signed a treaty with aliens from Zeta Reticuli in 1951. The terms of this treaty require the "donation" of thousands of "test subjects" who are never returned each year.

 

Jimi Hendrix was an alien. The songs he wrote are actually a morse code like sound that gets sent to his home world. Nobody knows what they say.

 

Most of the gold in South America was created when a demon made of pure sunlight was killed by the archangel Uriel.

 

Over 85% of alien communications directed at Earth are intended for, and invisible to anyone other than, penguins.

 

The craters and other markings on the Moon were created when an ancient god threw a trickster spirit at it.

 

Speaking of the moon, the moon vanished from 1643-1782. The governments of the world have fought hard to keep this a secret, much as for the period between 1343 and 1648 when there were two moons.

 

The traditional Eleventh Commandment was destroyed by Church authorities and erased from records, but researchers have been able to piece together the words "smoke" and "every day" from surviving manuscripts.

 

The Vietnam War was in fact an elaborate cover for a massive trans-dimensional incursion that covered most of the Eastern Hemisphere. Most of pop culture from the mid-70's to the late 90's was black propaganda designed to convince the rest of the world that the Earth was not in fact being invaded by giant robots, monsters and cat people.

 

The soap opera Guiding Light ran in various mediums from 1937 to 2009, making it the longest narrative work in human history. It would take a person eighteen continuous months (that is, twenty four hours a day) to listen to or view the entire series. Unfortunately, several decades of material is lost, due to the limitations of radio and early television technology… or so they would have you believe. The missing material is held in a secret vault the Library of Congress, where it is studied by a team of scholars and scientists from around the world. Among the hidden episodes are a radio drama precisely detailing the events of then-future history to the present day and beyond, all of it (so far) accurate and a fourteen hour adaptation of The King in Yellow.

 

Ballroom dancing is derived from an Atlantean martial art. The true depth of the practice is lost.

 

In the first half of the twentieth century, humanity went from a relatively primitive technological state to nuclear power and weaponry, jet flight and space travel, and the underpinnings of the information technology revolution. This amazing progression is often remarked upon by scientists. The little known cause is the test of a memetic weapon in 1996 -the real 1996- that accidentally and instantaneously collapsed and rewrote history from 1892 to 2875 into a more abbreviated form.

 

The Boxing Day Tsunami was not caused by an earthquake, but by an extra-dimensional incursion that dumped 400,000,000 metric tons of ectoplasm into the Pacific Ocean. A similar event is believed to have killed the dinosaurs.

 

The motion picture Battlefield Earth, as released in theaters, is a hastily patched together hack job made in about six weeks. The original film was destroyed save for six copies, which were accidentally switched out for other films. One caused the theater in which it was shown to implode. Another caused a violent orgy of bloodshed. Another was found in a totally empty theater, every patron, employee, and even insect totally absent. Those three were destroyed. The rest, if they still exist, have never been found.

 

Every time somebody plays a Led Zeppelin album, Pluto's orbit gets smaller.

 

There is a house that sits directly on the border of Canada and the US. Inside that house is a CD player that plays Stairway to Heaven every 95 hours. If you listen to more than 1 minute and 15 seconds of the song, an albino bear will maul you within 25 minutes of that point.

 

The character of Tom Bombadil was based off an acquaintance that JRR Tolkien had, a man who would send him a letter every third of the month that dictated the events of Lord of the Rings to John. The man would always sign his letters R. Flagg.

 

Cryogenics is a false front. Walt Disney lives beyond death.

 

There was only one horse to ever communicate to a human. The story that he told the boy was a cold, horrible tale of the Horses' ancient history. This child grew up to be known as Charles Manson.

 

Next time you're driving on a freeway, look out both sides of your car twice. The first time, count the number of cars you see on the road. The second time, count the number of drivers you see on the road.

 

About few miles north of Okra, Colorado, you will find a small wooden shack with a single, unassuming door. Should you enter this door, you will emerge from the same door precisely 2 minutes, 16 seconds later. You will be 1 centimeter shorter than when you entered. Your other proportions will remain the same. You will have no recollection of what you saw in that small wooden shack, nor will you remember entering it. And, oddly enough, you will forget about anyone you have ever met named Arthur.

 

In the cafeteria of Northview High School in Sylvania, Ohio., there's a soda-vending machine that instead of selling root-beer, inside the can you'll find the cool, carbonated blood of people who go missing on roads in the middle of the night. It does not take paper money.

 

There is only one mime in existence. No one knows why he does not seem to age and can be in so many places at once.

 

The idea that Jews are God's chosen people is due to a typo. The original text said "Yews". The only surviving copy with the correct word is kept in a secret vault in Torshavn in the Faroe Islands.

 

There is a bus stop in rural Turkmenistan where the bus always arrives exactly on time down to a nanosecond. Where the bus goes or comes from is unknown.

 

Weird Al was paid several million by the CIAFBINSA to create a Justin Timberlake parody album (Gay Sex/Homosounds) that could be played on the battlefield to decrease enemy morale and induce impure sexual thoughts. The album's success in trial runs is true reason the government is repealing DADT.

 

Barack Hussein Obama, like every president before him, has 7 secret names. Saying just one of them aloud will induce seizures in members of the opposing party within earshot. Nobody has spoken two for fear of the consequences.

 

The Girl Scouts are a front for an anarchist organization whose ultimate aim is the abolition of gendered pronouns.

 

Magnetic fields do not exist. They are a fabrication by Big Electron to distract you from their many crimes against the universe.

 

The Pyramids were filled with chocolate during two periods of time. The first was during the early days of Earth's creation, six thousand years ago. Chocolate was an alien invention used as a narcotic to control the native population. However the Egyptians, being savages, turned on their alien lords and drove them away and the secret formula for chocolate was torn apart in a fit of primitive rage. The second time was during Napolean's conquest of Egypt. He believed restoring the pyramids would gain him the power of extraterrestrials and he would use those powers to battle the British and take over their trade interests in the Orient. This was a sound plan, but by then the British had found the Ark of the Covenant and Napolean's secular revolutionary army was no match for power of God. Even with the assistance of the alien/human hybrids he had created with the cloning machines underneath the Sphynx.

 

You can purchase plutonium at any Arts and Crafts store, if you ask them to special order it.

 

It is true that large mega-corporations such as Facebook and Google are mining your personal data to sell to advertisers. However, the advertising companies are just a front for aliens who still do not really understand human behaviour and emotions.

If you take any Swiss Franc note and expose it to microwaves, it will curl up and ignite. Once it's cooled down, you'll find a fine powder that, when ingested, will kill you painlessly. A 10 franc note has enough poison to kill a family of four.

 

Despite claims by NASA, all contact has been lost with Voyager 1. It didn't deactivate, nor has it been 'abducted' like something out of science fiction. No, it just refuses to send them any more data.

 

Death row inmates are always reincarnated as dung beetles, regardless of whether or not they are truly innocent.

Hidden in the secret passages beneath Disneyland is a population of creatures bred to keep the park clean and operating. They live off corn dogs, rats and salad bar remnants. They were created so long ago the current Disney executives don’t know they exist, assuming Disneyland visitors are just a tidy lot.

 

Jesus came back in 2000, but the they got to him first and locked him up in a mental asylum, and hooked him up on antidepressants so much that he is basically a vegetable now. And that's why the end of the world is coming.

 

Mother Teresa was ACTUALLY an American undercover agent working to prevent the Soviets from spreading their influence in India. Her work with the poor provided the perfect cover for slipping messages out to the US, and she succeeded in preventing India from becoming a hotspot during the Cold War. The US, grateful for her work, used their influence with the Vatican to get her beatified.

 

Nikola Tesla built Wardenclyffe Tower not to try to transmit energy, but to house his time machine. The unusual structure supported Tesla’s top secret plans, and facilitated his travel forward in time from the year 1915 to a date that has not yet been reached. Thomas Edison, aware of the exploits of his rival, had the facility blown up in 1917 to prevent Tesla from returning, and hired a doppelganger to impersonate the scientist. Under Edison’s direction, this doppelganger acted more and more insane over time until Tesla “died” in 1943, tarnishing his legacy.

 

H.M. Stanley NEVER found the famous Dr. David Livingstone in Africa. Delirious from lack of food and water, Stanley stumbled upon a tribal village and merely presumed he found Dr. Livingstone in the wilderness. What he actually found was an African child. His party, not wanting to embarrass their fearless leader or risk funding for future excursions, decided to play along, as did Livingstone’s family. Stanley lived out his days truly believing he met Livingstone, while the African child eventually inherited the Livingstone family fortune.