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Scandal

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  1. carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
  2.  
  3. CG: HEY ASSHOLE.
  4. CG: WHAT DO HUMAN GIRLS WEAR?
  5. TG: im not helping you seduce egbert dude
  6.  
  7. carcinoGeneticist [CG] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]
  8.  
  9. “FUCK!” Karkat shouted, but that was hardly anything new; Terezi didn’t even bother looking up from her screen to cackle at him. Karkat wasn’t sure whether to be happy no one was paying attention to his anger at what should have been a delicate situation, or to be insulted that his rage was just background noise, something everyone expected.
  10.  
  11. He tapped his nails on the keyboard, trying to keep his rage inside for once. Stupid humans and their stupid things that tell them they’re only allowed to like one gender. He was well aware he wasn’t an objective judge of the issue, but it was still the most stupid thing he’d read from his stupid chats with stupid John. He just had to go and blow everything right from the start, and now he was fucking up his efforts to make it work too. What made him think he could just go around telling whoever he wanted about private conversations? “FUCK!” he shouted again; nope, still no response. Good rage counted for so little in here. He hated the trolls almost as much as he hated the humans.
  12.  
  13. Well, if he couldn’t get the information out of one of them, he’d have to try someone else.
  14.  
  15. carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]
  16.  
  17. CG: HEY ASSHOLE.
  18. CG: WHAT DO HUMAN GIRLS WEAR?
  19. TT: Our body types aren’t so distinct that clothing is strictly reserved for one gender or the other.
  20. CG: WOW!
  21. CG: THAT WAS THE MOST INFORMATIVE SENTENCE I HAVE READ IN THE MANY SWEEPS OF MY LIFE.
  22. CG: YOU SHOULD WRITE BROCHURES AND HAND THEM OUT TO PEOPLE.
  23. CG: YOU CAN TITLE THEM “THIS BROCHURE DEFINITELY CONTAINS THE EXACT INFORMATION YOU WERE LOOKING FOR IN WHATEVER QUESTION YOU WERE GOING TO ASK! YOU’RE WELCOME, RETARDS!”
  24. TT: Your knowledge of human culture is fairly limited, and you asked what human girls wear.
  25. TT: Various cultures from around the world have different styles of dress.
  26. TT: I don’t think it’s inappropriate for me to assume you were asking about us as a species.
  27. TT: But as long as we’re being considerably pugnacious, if John is as heterosexual as he claims to be, it’s unlikely that any garments you don will cause his orientation to reverse itself.
  28. CG: FIRSTLY, FUCK YOU THAT CONVERSATION WAS PRIVATE.
  29. CG: SECONDLY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN AS HETEROSEXUAL HE CLAIMS TO BE.
  30. CG: THIRDLY, FUCK YOU AND THAT IDIOTIC PINK PRANCING PONY YOU RODE IN ON.
  31. TT: Hm. Since you’re so concerned about the sanctity of your conferences, can I postulate that any theories I put forward will not be repeated?
  32. TT: While we’re negotiating, I’d prefer that Maplehoof be left out of this conversation as well.
  33. CG: FINE WHATEVER.
  34. TT: Thank you.
  35. TT: I confess I’ve had my doubts about John’s orientation.
  36. TT: I can’t name a single female actor his movie obsessions have centered on, and while I doubt his predilection towards Nicolas Cage films has anything to do with lust, I can’t quite say the same for Matthew McConaughey, he of perpetual shirtlessness.
  37. CG: SO HE’S LYING.
  38. TT: I wouldn’t go that far.
  39. TT: It’s entirely possible he simply isn’t aware of his own desires, or has yet to recognize them for what they are.
  40. TT: It’s not uncommon in humans.
  41. CG: WOW.
  42. CG: WE MUST BE INCREDIBLY SHITTY GODS IF WE FUCKED UP YOUR ROMANCE THIS BADLY.
  43. TT: To your credit, such torturous inner conflicts have produced many great works of literature.
  44. CG: THANKS!
  45. CG: THAT MAKES ME FEEL MUCH BETTER.
  46. CG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD WRITE SELF-ASSISTANCE GUIDES WHILE YOU’RE AT IT.
  47. CG: LOOK JUST TELL ME WHAT A HUMAN GIRL WHO LIVES WHEREVER YOU LIVE WOULD WEAR IF SHE WANTED TO ATTRACT A KISMESIS.
  48. TT: As full of loathing and mutually assured destruction as teenage relationships are, I don’t think they involve actual kismesises.
  49. CG: HA! HA! HA!
  50. CG: LOOKS LIKE I’LL HAVE TO GET SIR SWEATSALOT TO BUILD ME A ROBOT ASS, MINE JUST FELL OFF FROM LAUGHING SO HARD.
  51. TT: I wish you a speedy recovery.
  52. TT: As for your attire, you’ll want clothes that project an image of femininity to the average American.
  53. TT: Perhaps a blouse with feminine embellishments such as ruffles or embroidery?
  54. TT: Short sleeves would be fine, though you could go sleeveless if you’re feeling adventurous; bared arms show off skin without being overly brazen about it.
  55. CG: WHOA WHOA WHOA.
  56. CG: WHY SO MUCH SKIN?
  57. TT: Because that’s what humans find physically attractive.
  58. TT: If you’re shy about your body, I doubt you’ll make much of an impression on him.
  59. CG: UGH.
  60. CG: FINE WHAT ELSE.
  61. TT: Since your blouse would be loose, perhaps a pencil skirt?
  62. TT: They can be somewhat restrictive for the legs, but I doubt freedom of movement is your priority.
  63. TT: Are you taller than John?
  64. CG: UH. I THINK WE’RE ABOUT THE SAME HEIGHT?
  65. TT: Then you’ll want some flats.
  66. TT: Heels would create a height discrepancy; a significant advantage would be seen as imposing.
  67. TT: A fine quality in a female, but hardly a traditionally feminine one.
  68. CG: IMPOSING?
  69. CG: LIKE, WITH A CHAINSAW?
  70. TT: An unusual digression, but I suppose a woman who knows her way around a chainsaw would be someone I’d enjoy familiarizing myself with, yes.
  71. TT: Tree-felling, undead-slaughtering non-sequiturs aside, I have to remind you to not get your hopes up about this.
  72. TT: As elated as I’d be to see John get the kismesis I’m sure he’s always wanted in the most secret depths of his heart, he may be telling the truth.
  73. CG: AS ELATED AS I WOULD BE TO GIVE A SHIT, I DON’T.
  74. CG: EVERY TIME I THOUGHT I HATED SOMEONE, I DIDN’T HATE THEM ENOUGH.
  75. CG: NOT EVEN MYSELF, SURPRISINGLY.
  76. CG: I GUESS WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF THE CREATION OF THIS UNIVERSE WAS THE KISMESIS I NEVER HAD.
  77. CG: NOW THAT I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE I CAN HATE WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING, I’M NOT LETTING HIM GO THAT EASILY.
  78. CG: SO YOUR HUMAN HETEROSEXUALITY CAN KISS MY NOOK.
  79. CG: I’M DOING THIS.
  80. TT: Your making this hapen?
  81. CG: IS THIS ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE HAHA I’M SPELLING THINGS BADLY IN-JOKES?
  82. TT: Very astute!
  83. CG: IS THERE A HUMAN WORD FOR MAKING STUPID JOKES I DON’T GET WHENEVER I RANT UNCONTROLLABLY ABOUT MY FEELINGS?
  84. CG: BECAUSE I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THAT’S A THING EITHER.
  85. TT: I apologize.
  86. TT: It’s challenging to hold myself back when you set me up so well.
  87. TT: Shall I link to the fantastic adventures of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff so you can join in the revelry?
  88. CG: NO.
  89. CG: YOUR HUMAN JOKES ARE TERRIBLE.
  90. CG: I AM INCALCULABLY BETTER OFF NEVER UNDERSTANDING WHAT PASSES FOR HUMOR ON YOUR RETARDED SHIT SPHERE.
  91. CG: WHATEVER THANKS FOR THE CLOTHES ADVICE I GUESS.
  92.  
  93. carcinoGeneticist [CG] has blocked tentacleTherapist [TT]
  94.  
  95. Karkat didn’t swear loudly that time; all things considered, the conversation had gone pretty well. Sure, he had his incredibly deep feelings totally dismissed again, but not only did he know what he had to wear, he had some interesting information to trade with Kanaya to get the clothes in question. And he didn’t even have to suffer through GG’s bullshit about being nice. Now all he had to do was wait.
  96.  
  97. --
  98.  
  99. The four kids materialized in the Veil, and though they were meeting the trolls in person for the first time, it wasn’t as awkward as many of them worried it might be. Jade, Nepeta, and Feferi group hugged excitedly, Rose immediately gravitated towards Kanaya (who happened to have her chainsaw in hand at the time for reasons she couldn’t quite describe when asked to), Dave leaned on one of Tavros’ horns and looked cool, Vriska wondered why she’d never thought of that. Though John received many an enthusiastic greeting himself, he couldn’t help but notice that there weren’t quite enough trolls.
  100.  
  101. “Uh… Where’s Karkat?” he asked Terezi, whose cane and glasses had made her easy enough to recognize.
  102.  
  103. “Puking his guts out, the adorable little thing!” she laughed, leaning down to give John’s sleeve a lick. “Your shirt tastes even better in person! He says he’s sick, but I think he’s just nervous to meet you. You can check on him if you want! His room has his sign on it. He paints over it every time I fix the color though.”
  104.  
  105. “Cool! I’ll go and try not to get puked on, thanks,” he said, trying to dry his sleeve a bit as he sneaked away from the crowd and into the halls. The Cancer-marked door didn’t take too much effort to find. “Uh, hey! It’s John! You okay in there?”
  106.  
  107. “Yeah, fine! Just come in, asshole,” Karkat yelled once he had settled on a pose he hoped was vaguely sexy, hands on his hips, one leg turned outwards. He was wearing the clothes Rose had suggested: a sleeveless blouse with ruffles and a pencil skirt that hit his knees. They were in his usual grey and black because there was only so far he was willing to go, but he was pretty sure he looked good. Like a girl. Like someone John could be attracted to.
  108.  
  109. John opened the door, and his gaze fell squarely on Karkat, where it remained for a good five seconds of silence before John cracked. He tried to cover his mouth to hide his snorts and giggles at first, but that didn’t do much good when he started roaring with laughter, barely managing to shut the door behind him as he stumbled into the room, doubling over. Karkat wasn’t sure whether to feel even more hateful or just plain embarrassed. “WHAT?”
  110.  
  111. “Holy crap, you actually did it! Oh my fucking god! I… can’t believe what you made take place,” he managed through his laughter, trying to stand up straight again and failing.
  112.  
  113. “WHAT?!” Karkat screamed, not even caring if the other trolls and humans were hearing him.
  114.  
  115. “Dude, I was pranking you!” John laughed, wiping tears from behind his glasses. “I pranked you so hard there isn’t even room on the meter for all my Prankster’s Gambit. I am the best there is.”
  116.  
  117. “…WHAT?” Karkat screamed again; it seemed to be just about the only signal his rage-addled brain could send to his mouth at the moment.
  118.  
  119. “I told you that I’m not a homosexual, and then I told Rose to tell you to wear girl clothes if you asked her anything about it! But then you asked her about girl clothes on your own! Oh man, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to top this one.” He finally managed to stand up, grinning at Karkat like an idiot. Karkat had admittedly had his doubts about whether or not John was truly his kismesis, but now he was more sure of it than ever.
  120.  
  121. “FUCK YOU,” he barked, grabbing John by his collar and slamming him against the wall. “FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING HETEROSEXUALITY AND YOUR FUCKING PRANK AND YOUR WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE!” he screamed, not caring about how uninventive he was being with his insults. Anger had fully taken over the part of his brain that pumped out magnificent wordsmithery.
  122.  
  123. “What heterosexuality?” John asked, awfully smug for someone who just had the wind knocked out of him.
  124.  
  125. “…What?” Karkat regressed.
  126.  
  127. “I’m gay!”
  128.  
  129. “Does gay mean homosexual?” Karkat asked; he was still filled with incredible amounts of rage, but he thought it prudent to check.
  130.  
  131. “Yeah.”
  132.  
  133. “…Why the fuck do you need two words for that?”
  134.  
  135. “Well, we have a lot more, but most of the others aren’t very nice.”
  136.  
  137. “Fuck you, John Egbert,” he seethed, gritting his teeth. All this stupid girl bullshit for nothing. All that worrying about how John had more chance of liking any of the girls over him. He wasted so much time… and yet there John was. Up against the wall, and not struggling. Maybe he could salvage it.
  138.  
  139. “The clothes look really good on you, but if you were throwing up, you should probably brush your teeth before you kiss me,” John broke the silence, and it was Karkat’s turn to smile, if somewhat more maliciously.
  140.  
  141. “I wasn’t throwing up! I faked it so I could get you in here without the others. How’s that for a prank, asshole?”
  142.  
  143. “Uh. Not too good, to be hone-“ he started, but was cut off by Karkat’s abrupt kiss, their teeth clacking together. Karkat wasted no time in forcing his tongue past John’s lips, crude and violent as he explored the human mouth. The main difference was that everything was much softer, but he made a few extra passes just to be sure he hadn’t missed anything. John reached up to fondle Karkat’s horns, and Karkat was further enraged to be the first one to let out a moan. How he despised those stupid little nubs. He broke the kiss, pulling back to break John’s grip on them.
  144.  
  145. “Don’t touch my horns!” he snapped, pulling John over to the bed. He did have to hand that to the humans; they were a lot more convenient for mating activities than recuperacoons.
  146.  
  147. “But they’re so cute! They fit right in my hands,” John sighed, grinning like a moron again. It only made it more satisfying as Karkat pushed him down.
  148.  
  149. “I don’t fucking care! Hands off!” he snarled, straddling John as best as he could with the skirt still on. It was infuriating, not knowing what John was thinking. One second he was laughing his head off because of a successful prank, the next he was all but asking Karkat to kiss him, then he was giggling because of Karkat’s tiny horns.
  150.  
  151. “Oooh, so authoritative. You’re gonna have to stop me yourself, I don’t think I can resist them,” he teased, wiggling his fingers at them.
  152.  
  153. “Fine then, asshole.” Karkat leaned down to kiss him again, bringing his horns dangerously close to molestation, but he reached back to grope John through his pants just in time, surprising him enough that he faltered in his assault. The steadily growing bulge was hard enough that it must have been uncomfortable, but Karkat couldn’t bring himself to care. He’d be a pretty shitty kismesis if he couldn’t get revenge on John in as many petty ways as possible. He noticed John’s hands creeping up again; he was just about to smack them back down before they stopped at his chest, thumbs rubbing his nipples through the blouse.
  154.  
  155. “J-jeez, Karkat. Do you have any nubs that aren’t super sensitive?” John asked when the kiss broke, fumbling with the blouse’s buttons.
  156.  
  157. “Maybe I don’t! Fuck you,” Karkat barked, all the while obediently holding his arms back so the blouse could slide off, hopefully never to be worn again; he kicked off the flats as well. He was apprehensive to take off the skirt, but it was so awkward straddling John with it on that he bit the bullet, and immediately regretted it.
  158.  
  159. “Rose didn’t tell me she recommended those,” John sniggered.
  160.  
  161. “That’s because she didn’t! I’m not a fucking larva, I can figure some things out myself!” Karkat yelled, feeling very defensive about his lacy red panties. “Fuck you, stop laughing! Girls wear this itchy shit, don’t they?”
  162.  
  163. “Sorry! You’re just so funny,” John sort of apologized, cupping Karkat’s bulge through the lacy material and stroking. “I am not an expert in girls’ underwear, but I guess they do. I am totally impressed by your dedication.”
  164.  
  165. “God, just… just shut up,” Karkat dismissed John, biting his lip as his bulge strained against the fabric.
  166.  
  167. “Why do you want me to shut up? Kinda hard to make you hate me harder if I can’t even talk. That’s the point of this whole kismesis thing, isn’t it?” he asked, his hand slipping down the waistband. “Whoa, it’s all leathery.”
  168.  
  169. “Of course it’s leathery you brainless seedflap sucker! What other texture could it possibly have?” Karkat raged, glad John had given him something to change the subject with. He didn’t have the fortitude of mind to deal with logical bullshit right now, and the fact that John did was just making him angrier.
  170.  
  171. “Well, mine’s pretty… soft? Smooth? Like the rest of my skin, I guess. Kind of weird that we have such similar anatomy though,” John mused, pulling back Karkat’s retractable bulge protector to trace circles around the tip, making Karkat suck air in through his teeth. “And that we’re sensitive in so many of the same places.”
  172.  
  173. “You’re right! My mind is absolutely fucking blown! It must be destiny!” he ranted, accidentally grinding back against John’s bulge as he squirmed at his touch. If the universe they created really was meant to have his kismesis in it, compatible and easily navigable anatomies probably were matters of destiny, but he wasn’t about to call a time-out to explain that to him.
  174.  
  175. “H-hey, uh. Things are getting a little tight down there, could you get my pants off for me?” John asked; Karkat grumbled incoherently, but he complied, awkwardly reversing his position so he could pull John’s pants down to his ankles, where a little kicking from John finished the job. He was wearing underwear with some kind of white blob behind a prohibition sign; it was probably something really stupid and nerdy, but John wasn’t the one wearing panties, so he didn’t bring it up. Instead, he fished John’s bulge out of the fly; it really was smooth. He supposed a species that didn’t have to fight for its existence from the moment of its hatching didn’t need the same kind of protection trolls did.
  176.  
  177. He leaned down, giving the tip an experimental lick that made John gasp. That sounded like an advantage to him, so he seized it, dragging his coarse tongue up and down the shaft. He felt John tugging the panties down, wrapping a hand around the base as he lifted his head to mimic Karkat, licking at the tip; his teeth bumped against it, and the sensation was just close enough to painful that Karkat shuddered violently. “F-fuck. Fuck your stupid ugly teeth.”
  178.  
  179. “My teeth are awesome! And I think I should probably be more worried about your teeth than you are about mine.”
  180.  
  181. “What? What’s wrong with my teeth? My teeth are perfect!” Karkat protested.
  182.  
  183. “Well… They’re all pointy and sharp. Wouldn’t that make sucking me off kind of difficult?” John asked. Just how impudent could one human get?
  184.  
  185. “Fuck you! I’m an expert. I will be extremely cautious with your puny, fragile human bulge, you wimp.”
  186.  
  187. “Puny?” John said indignantly, but any further discussion was cut off by Karkat putting his money where his mouth was; specifically, around John’s dick, engulfing it in one swift motion that won a high-pitched, drawn out moan from John. That was two more points for Karkat, not that he had a mental scoreboard or anything.
  188.  
  189. He didn’t have time or the desire for any tender, loving bullshit. He bobbed up and down, going as deep as he could, getting his tongue everywhere it could reach, pointed teeth never so much as glancing against John’s poor, sensitive skin.
  190.  
  191. “O-oh fuck, K-Karkat!” John stuttered, breath catching in his throat; Karkat mentally grinned, savoring the sound, then mentally frowned, angry at himself for enjoying it. Kismesissitude sure was confusing. But all the same, his body’s reaction was undeniable, and it was only amplified when John took the head of Karkat’s bulge into his mouth, sucking and licking with more than enough enthusiasm to make up for inexperience, the way John’s needy whines made his bulge vibrate nearly pushing him over the edge.
  192.  
  193. “Fuck, stop,” Karkat said breathlessly; he wasn’t a child, he could pull himself back, even though he shivered as his wet bulge met the cool air again. He kicked the panties off before turning himself around again, nearly tripping over himself in his near-orgasmic daze but somehow managing to get John’s boxers off and position himself above his ass anyway.
  194.  
  195. “Whoa!” John exclaimed once he realized what Karkat was about to do. “Don’t you need… lube or something?”
  196.  
  197. “…Your bone nooks aren’t self-lubricating?” Karkat asked, cocking his head at him.
  198.  
  199. “What? No! That’s weird.”
  200.  
  201. “Ugh. Human biology is retarded,” was as far as Karkat was willing to take the conversation; he cut off any potential replies by lowering himself onto John’s cock, getting almost as much satisfaction from John’s rapturous expression as he did from John’s dick rubbing against his pleasure clusters. He drew himself back up before plunging down again, picking up speed, bracing himself on John’s shoulders. He looked down at John, knuckles white as he gripped the sheets, moaning and groaning, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to kiss him or strangle him. Possibly both. He’d have to figure it out when he wasn’t so distracted.
  202.  
  203. John reached up to wrap his hand around Karkat’s bulge again, pumping vigorously with just a hint of a smile on his face. The tiny grin just enraged Karkat even more, and he felt the heat gathering in the pit of his non-human stomach again; John thrusting up to meet his ass punted him over the precipice, and he let out a long groan as his eyes clamped shut, spilling his genetic material all over John’s hand and torso. John came mere moments after him with a strained cry, but Karkat was still furious with himself for finishing first. When his eyes finally opened again, John was staring at the genetic material, eyes half-lidded.
  204.  
  205. “What? What are you staring at?” Karkat tried to be angry, but even a hate-fu master such as him had trouble working up a good rage right after sex.
  206.  
  207. “It’s green!” John exclaimed, laughing. “I’m never gonna be able to look at Slimer the same way again.”
  208.  
  209. “You probably just said something really nerdy and stupid that I never want to hear about again, right?” Karkat asked, gingerly lifting himself off John’s shrinking erection and flopping down onto the bed, where John put his arm around him.
  210.  
  211. “No way dude! Ghostbusters is like, one of the best movies ever. Even if you’re a troll who only likes movies with really long and stupid names.”
  212.  
  213. “Fuck you. Human movies are terrible and I’m never going to watch any of them.”
  214.  
  215. “Your loss. Do we hate-cuddle now?” John asked, smiling at him again.
  216.  
  217. “Whatever,” he grumbled. It was painfully stupid and it just made him angrier, but that was the whole point. He couldn’t even bring himself to scream obscenities at John for playing with his horns again. He didn’t want to fall asleep, but closing his eyes would be fine. “Not my fault if everyone gets suspicious,” he muttered, drifting off to sleep.