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YL Report: We shat our pants on the bus to Turku

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Feb 6th, 2013
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  1. YL Report: We shat our pants on the bus to Turku
  2.  
  3. Translated from:
  4. http://ylioppilaslehti.fi/2013/02/yl-raportti-paskoimme-housuun-bussissa-turkuun/
  5.  
  6. Happy 100 years, Ylioppilaslehti!
  7. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ylioppilaslehti
  8.  
  9. -----------
  10.  
  11. When the white Volvo bus of the Vainio transport company rallies out of the underground hall of Kamppi, sunlight sets in heavily through the windows. The noon of January looks like spring. On the bus it looks especially striking due to the increased elevation.
  12.  
  13. The long-haul Finnish equivalent of the old Greyhound buses is stocked half full of people traveling through counties, whose belongings the driver has courteously stacked in the cargo hold. We don't have luggage, we have pants which are rounded off with a loose waistband. For minimizing pressure.
  14.  
  15. The seats look like they have been furnished with the help of an art teacher's wardrobe. The blue cloth in the middle has been splattered with multi-colored, perky looking squares. One of us sets down in an aisle seat in the middle of the bus, the other next to a window in the back.
  16.  
  17. "Welcome aboard the express to Turku. During the trip you may utilize the toilet in the back, which also has magazines to read during the journey", the lady selling tickets announces through the radio system when we pass the IKEA in Espoo.
  18.  
  19. The announcement brings tension. If all of the onboard entertainment is stacked in the back of the liner all of our co-travelers will trample back and forth the aisle for the duration of the ride, which is two and a half hours. Well, maybe they'll conclude that it must be the toilet that stinks. At least nobody's sitting next to either of us.
  20.  
  21. But let's see if we can make this work first. There's no urge to poop, but we should be wringing out something. We're both stacking magazines on the stand attached to the seat in front of us. It usually helps if you're thinking of something else, and not concentrating on the actual performance itself.
  22.  
  23. Reading is tough. The bus's swaying is almost undetectable, but present enough to make the body queasy while trying to squint any sense out of the text.
  24.  
  25. A text message to the middle seat:
  26. AR: Are u even close?
  27. Answer:
  28. VK: Gathering myself, feeling shy. It'll happen soon.
  29.  
  30. After Saukkola the ticket seller stops to chew the fat with a passenger that just got on. The woman has a lilac scarf with fringes. They're talking about christmas. About haste. The woman behind the middle seat is loudly nursing a candy drop.
  31.  
  32. All the while one of us is straining to blast a turd in denim leggings.
  33.  
  34. VK: I'm pushing and holding at the same time. I didn't know that's possible.
  35. AR: Imagine sitting on the john. I'm trying to pump like mad too, but all I feel like is peeing. How can you poop so that a bunch of pee won't come out at the same time?
  36. VK: Fuck this, I'm fucking pooping.
  37.  
  38. An hour passes with little happening. This is surprisingly hard. It feels weird when your legs are covered by pants.
  39.  
  40. Got to try with pressure. There's so little space between the ass and the seat that one must shift their weight completely on one cheek. The posture is terrible.
  41.  
  42. The back of the seat in front gets squeezed between fists, blood starts packing in the head. When the bus stops along the road 110 at Suomusjärvi it feels like a vein is about to rip. On the other side of the road a girl is sitting on the bus stop and staring at us.
  43.  
  44. Hi there.
  45.  
  46. When you're wincing you don't really follow the expressions of your fellow passengers, but I think it's for certain that the dude staggering from the front seat to the toilet in the back with his Kings cap on thinks that we're crying hysterically.
  47.  
  48. And then finally.
  49.  
  50. AR: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH OH FUCK, POOPED MY PANTS! THIS WAS THE BEST IDEA IN THE WORLD EVER AHAHAHAHAHAHH!
  51.  
  52. Ten minutes later:
  53. VK: GOD DAMNIT, SO DID I! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHHAH! Ahahahaah it doesn't stink, warm! The guy next to me is watching cuz I'm laughing so hard.
  54. AR: How did you manage it?
  55. VK: Well I just pooped.
  56.  
  57. The thought of sitting in one's own shit is much worse than the tangible act of doing so. The digested food does not smart, burn or does not feel especially wet. There was very little pee too.
  58.  
  59. VK: Well maybe a little, hard to say.
  60.  
  61. In the front of the bus someone is reading a tabloid magazine and another is scratching their ear. The candy drop woman is looking out of the window. Nobody is suspecting anything.
  62.  
  63. Nobody's journey is interrupted by the fact that we just shat our pants. Everyone is having a nice time going to Turku with their weekends just starting. I feel like telling. The boy in the Kings cap, guess what!
  64.  
  65. I feel like doing anything. That I can make it through anything. We're not even noticing the eclipsing sun in Saukkola.
  66.  
  67. The bus drives through Halikko and we unanimously decide to poop some more. Little by little the sludge starts pasting itself onto the skin. Feels like there's some gel-like substance in the crack of the ass. When raised off the seat, the poop does not fall off of the rump. The swaying of the buses secures it even further.
  68.  
  69. AR: Gross like hell. I'm sitting on it.
  70. VK: Yeah. Still over an hour to go.
  71.  
  72. I wonder if an infection is underway?
  73.  
  74. We're stopping again. A gas station complex sits along the road. The ticket seller told in the introduction speech that stops will be made according to needs and wishes. A small panic occurs in the mind.
  75.  
  76. AR: Fun to go to some gift shop with shit in your pants.
  77. VK: Imagine being a baby. Or a senior citizen. People's noses get used to it quickly. Does it come through?
  78.  
  79. Nope, it doesn't. At times something can be smelled, but most of the time not. It's likely that one's own nose becomes used to the smell way before anyone else's nose does. The gift shop is passed by unstopped.
  80.  
  81. We carry on with sitting.
  82.  
  83. It's snowing in Kaarina. When standing up for a moment and sitting back down it feels gross. With each passing kilometer the plate of poop splays further.
  84.  
  85. Tunturi Center, Biltema, Tarjoustalo, grey, grey, grey. Are we there yet? I'm getting a little distressed.
  86.  
  87. "Arriving in Turku", the driver sighs in the microphone. I wonder where the ticket lady went? Who cares. We're scouting the suburbs anxiously.
  88.  
  89. "If necessary, we'll drop by all stops before the station."
  90.  
  91. Fuck this.
  92.  
  93. The poop doesn't feel like gel anymore, it feels like cold slime. The stench gets more and more pervasive. If one can do anything, why did it have to be this?
  94.  
  95. A wet spot forms on the back of the pants.
  96.  
  97. VK: We'll probably have to buy this whole bus.
  98.  
  99. Local burger joints slowly start dominating the landscape. The protected piece of functionalist architecture, the bus station, appears in the horizon right on time.
  100.  
  101. The driver welcomes again and parks the Volvo a hundred meters away from the station. We rush out with our bands tightened while others are being handed their luggage along with a deep local accent.
  102.  
  103. It feels absurd, but once we're out there isn’t any real hurry.
  104.  
  105. We're walking off feeling pleased. There's no need to hold back.
  106.  
  107. ---
  108.  
  109. Text: Vappu Kaarenoja and Aurora Rämö
  110. Translation: Anonymous
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