Stop Me If You've Herd This - an MiE Continuation

>Be Anonymous.
>A couple months after what's come to be known as "the second alien's arrival" in this weird realm of colorful talking horses.
>And what you know as "Fem came through the spinny glowy thing."
>Fem - Femanon - your wife of three years
>including the time you've been here and she's been back on Earth.

>The initial awkwardness of being in the land of colorful talking horses was more awkward because of AJ.
>AJ, the pretty damn nifty hard-working "rangy farm mare" whose family runs Sweet Apple Acres, one of those acres leased by you to grow peanuts because you were homesick for peanut butter.
>AJ, your pony ... Uh... Girlfriend? Partner! Friend with benefits? Who has, literally, written permission from Fem to "take care" of you.
>Yeah, including that way.
>Who, it turns out, has a thing for you and your non-equine anatomy.

>Who hit it off immediately with Fem.
>You really have no idea what to do about that.
>Sometimes you'll come back from Sugar Cube Corner and they'll be sitting at the table gossiping over tea.
>Fem was telling AJ the Pita Bread story.
>AJ's laughing because Fem's gotten to the "hummus among us" part.
>They notice you've come in.
>They grin at you.
>They go back to talking.

"Wow. I appear to be outnumbered."
>AJ tilts her head, "Ya *think*, hoss?"
>Fem just nods. "Yep. Two to one,"
>You hold your hands up.
>You're tackled into the bed by two laughing females.
>One of whom has hooves and a tail.

“Totally unfair!”
>You flail ineffectively
>It it super-ineffective
>EXACTLY AS PLANNED.

---

>A while later, everyone agrees, again, that This Bed Is Too Small For Three.
>Just snugging, that is.
>So far the whole ‘So, everyone wanna have sex together” thing has been carefully avoided.
>AJ stays with you and Fem when she’s in town.
>Sometimes Fem comes with you when you go out to the farm, sometimes not.
>Neither one has asked you about what you do with the other.
>You have no idea what they talk about when you’re gone, aside from exchanging embarrassing Tales of Anon.

>”Anon?”
“Yeah?”
>”AJ and I have been talking…”
>Seeing as how you’re surrounded on the too-small bed, running away ain’t happening.

“M’kay… talking about what, exactly?”
>”Well, hoss… what with the peanut thing and Granny gettin’ up there and Big Mac lookin’ to set up with his own farm…”
>”And since you and I are planning to be here for at least another year or two… more if Twilight, Sanjay, and Jimbo can get the portal situation stabilized…”
>”Ah’ve been lookin’ over all the paperwork to keep the farm runnin’, and now that we’re leasin’ part of the land -”
>”And when I talked with the ponies at City Hall they said that they don’t really *have* any kind of legal status for.. and I love how they put it… ‘alien citizenship’.”
>”But, if y’all were legally joined with a citizen of Ponyville th’ paperwork would be simplified, as would taxes an’ ownership rights an’ -”

>You suddenly have an inkling where this might be going.
“I’m already married to one … individual.”
>”Well yeah, hoss, but… and it’s not something that gets talked about a *lot* ‘cuz some folks feel it’s way too old-fashioned… we… you, Fem, and myself, could incorporate into a Herd.”

>That word had a capital letter in it.

“A… Herd.”

>Various people and ponies scootch up against the headboard to discuss this while sitting up.
>”Yeah. It’s a legal, binding entity that consolidates multiple ponies - and,  Ah guess, humans - into a single body for th’ purposes of taxes and stuff.”
>”Apparently it’s fallen out of fashion here, but it’s still on the books and still entirely legal.”
>”Out in Appleoosa there’s three, four big ranches owned by herds… m’ cousin twice removed, Gravenstein, hitched up with one and he’s ‘bout as happy as any hitched colt I’ve seen. Says it spreads out th’ responsibilities and… he’s more’n happy to have a variety of ponies t’ frolic with...”

>Your little Human-Western-Culture brain is wobbling.
>”I think we’re losing him, AJ.”
>”Yeah. More snugglin’s required.”

>They scootch in closer.
>This does seem to help… some.

“So… I’d be married to you, Fem, and you, AJ.”
>”F’r all intents and legal purposes,  yep.  Fem, bein’ your first,  would be th’ Alpha Mare - the female with th’ most legal authority.  Although we’ve decided that when it comes t’ th’ culture out here… she’s gonna ask me for help.”

“... you two have already figured this out, haven’t you?”

>Fem and AJ nod and give you a stereophonic squeeze.

>”We knew you wouldn’t ever think about the possibility.” Fem ticks off points on her fingers, “First, we - you and I - are married and where we come from, unless  you’re from Saudi Arabia -”
>”Saddle Arabia, y’mean?”
>”Saudi, AJ - and yeah, the parallels are bewildering sometimes - or a member of some really far-out religious sect in the hills of Utah, you do get one spouse and that’s all.

>”Second - It would smooth over any confusion some peo - pon-  Agh. Some *individuals* might have regarding you and I and AJ.”
>AJ nods. “Ah mean, *Ah* know what we are. And you and *Fem* know what we are.. . but Ah’m havin’ a hard time with some of th’ questions AppleBloom’s startin’ to ask now that she’s closin’ in on her first season…”


>Considering how… feisty… AJ was the first time you encountered her during *her* season… the bundle of unstoppable energy you know as AppleBloom hitting that… daunting.

>”Third - I know you wouldn’t bring it up if you *did* think about it.  Nevermind that we’ve been apart for a year-plus because of this ‘portal’ thing.” She squeezes you tight. “You’re committed. Ponies tell me that all the time. They tell me they see it in your eyes.
>”One unicorn said something about ‘ambient field expansion’ and ‘empathy vibrations’ and I had to sit her down with a cup of tea because she was getting flustered.
>”That stuff is like porn to unicorns, apparently.”
>AJ chuckles, “‘Splains why Rarity keeps getting all lathered if she spends too much time ‘round you. Nevermind poor Sparky. That filly can’t sit still next to you without needin’ a stack of towels.”
>Fem leans forward to look past you at AJ. “Sparky?  Which one is that?”
>AJ leans forward as well, “Given name’s Lyra. Minty green unicorn. She works with Twilight an’ is apparently oversensitive to *everythin’* about ol’ hoss here.  She saw him starkers once an’ I suspect would move sea and sky to get t’ do that again.”  She looks thoughtful. “Real good kisser, too...’
>Fem rests her arm on your chest and her chin on her arm. “Really? Do tell…”
“Fem, you were in the middle of a ‘thirdly’?”
>Fem changes mental gears with the dexterity of an Indy car racer.
>“Thirdly, I *know* you’re committed to *our* relationship. And … I know your relationship to AJ is important. *And* I know that trying to resolve those two separate relationships is messing with your head and your emotions.  Being in a ‘Herd’... it’s closer to formalizing what we - the three of us - have.”

>You look from Fem to AJ and back.
>”The last time we tried something like this was before we were married, Fem. And it didn’t go well.”
>”I know.”
>”In fact, it went pretty awful. I did a *lot* of stupid things -”
>”I know.”
>”So … why is this different?”

>Fem pats your tummy - well, what used to be your tummy before all the farm work and the vegetarian diet.
>”Because we’re working out the way this happens together… and I already know AJ.  I’ve known her for about a year, from our letters and our talks.  She’s a very eloquent pony.”
>AJ shakes her head and flicks her ponytail over one shoulder.  “Ah just don’t lie well, so Ah gotta say what Ah mean.”

>You still don’t know exactly what she and Fem corresponded about, once the portal thing allowed letters to be sent back and forth
>(in a box, amusingly, lined with your underpants - ‘obtained’ by Lyra).
>You suspect there was a lot of ‘deep’ female stuff, though.

“Well… okay. We can look into that.”
>Fem grins. AJ gives a little ‘woo!’
>You get hugged fiercely from both sides.
>”Now, AJ… about Lyra and kissing…?”

---

>Forming a herd is not something one does lightly.
>That is exactly the way the County Clerk (named something Shuffle) put it to you and Fem and AJ.
>”Well…” said the unicorn, riffling through drawers for forms, “The leader of the herd - that would be you, Anonymous - has to show that he can support the other members in the event of an accident, medical issues, pregnancy…”
>He looks at you. He looks at Fem. He looks at AJ. “... or other incidents. So how many herd members do you plan on having?”:
“Um… so far it’s just the three of us.”
>Shuffle blinks, “Three? Well, that’s the minimum number, sure… so we’ll need three copies of *this* and three of *this*... and one of *these*... now, if your herd expands - you take on any more fillies… or colts… your herd needs to officially welcome the new member and the new pony fillls out another one of these, but only the leader needs to sign it.”
>Shuffle, tilts his half-lens glasses down his nose and regard AJ and Fem.
>”What you’re signing here, young females, is a binding legal agreement. *He* -” he indicates you with a hoof, “will have the right of Power of Attorney for legal and civic matters. He also has the responsibility to take care of you and any other herd members that come after. It’s a binding agreement, but … if you need to part from the herd, you can do so with a few other forms.”
>At this point he lowers his voice and leans toward Fem and AJ and murmurs something which prompts an amused look from Fem and a snort from AJ.

>Papers signed, the three of you exit Town Hall searching for somewhere that’s not full of paperwork to sit and relax.
“So, what did that pony say to you two that got that reaction?
>”Ah, Ol’ Shuffle said that Fem and Ah could part from th’ herd... “ AJ drops her voice to an ominous stage-whisper, “Whether *he* wanted us to or not…”
>She points a hoof at you and looks all dire.
>Fem shakes her head and laughs. “Like back home, only that freedom’s  more vigorously enforced because the leaders around here are all female.”

>You attempt Big Puppy Dog Eyes.
“You wouldn’t… glp… *leave* me… would you?”
>”Well, not if you’re gonna pay for lunch, hoss.”
“... okay!”
>”That was too easy, AJ.”
>”Yeah, Ah know.  He’s up to *somethin’*...”

---

>Getting back home was interrupted by SUDDEN INCOMING PINKIE PIE
>”HHHAAAAAAAPPPPYYYYYY HERD DAY!”
>*whumph*
>Somehow she manages to hug all three of you at once, demonstrating that, for Pinkie, the laws of physics are something that happen to others.

>”SoIheardyouwereformingaHerdandIthoughthatwasreallyneatandmyDaddywasHerdishbuthe
andMommamovedouttosettletheirownrockfarmandnoonewantedtocomewiththembutthisisSUPER
NEATOthatwe’llhaveaHerdhereinPonyvilleandI’mmakingaGreatBigHappyHerdDaycakeandI’m
soHAPPYforallofyou!”
“Wow...thanks, Pinkie!”
>Pinkie proinks (you finally have a word to describe that bouncy thing she does) and beams at you.
>”And AJ you are going to be SO happy now that you and Fem and Anon have an actual legal arrangement and I don’t have to pretend that that I don’t know how you really like making smiles with him!”
>Personal boundaries. Also something that happens to other ponies, not Pinkie Pie.

>Fem does that ‘totally surprised laugh’ thing, “Oh, you knew that?”
>AJ attempts to cover her entire head with her hat.

>”Oh sure! Whenever AJ came back with Nonny from the farm she always had a little more bounce and her tail was hiked and when Nonny’s not looking sometimes she’ll look at his withers and lick her lips and rub her hindquarters together but I don’t think she realizes it and -”

>AJ can’t fit her head any further into her hat
>So she swats at Pinkie with it instead. Pinkie bounces around giggling.
>”You o/` Told me o/`, AppleJack!  Something about an ‘endurance rally’ and -”
>AJ chases Pinkie around, trying to swat at her with her hat.
>You and Fem watch with amusement.

>”She *does* think very highly of you, Anon,”
“Yeah..”
>”Yep. Including in the sack.”
>Your can feel your ears turning red.
>”And I told her that just supports *my* opinion…”
>People could read by the light of your ears.

>Pinkie leaps into your lap, pursued by AJ.
>The chair goes over.
>You are covered in horse.
>Fem’s laughing.
>You start laughing too, because what the hell.

>”That had BETTER be some AMAZIN’ cake, Pinkie Pie!”
>”Oh it *will* be, AppleJack! For my amazing herdfriends!”


---

>There is a brief, tasteful ceremony.
>Just a matter of saying a few things about taking this pony into your herd.
>Promising to care for and protect and support and things like that.
>Amusingly, the L word - Love, not the other L word - doesn’t come into play in the ceremony.
>You guess this demonstrates the overall legal function of a herd.
>What the members of the herd do with each other, that’s their own lookout.

>There is also a party.
>Of course.
>With Pinkie within 90 miles, of course there is a party.
>The cake is sufficiently amazing to offset AJ’s embarrassment with Pinkie.
>Surprisingly, it’s Rarity who gets “all cidered up” and starts asking awkward questions of Fem and AJ.

>”So, o/` Daaarrrrliingggs o/`... Now, I’ve never seen Anonymous … en nu, as they say -”
>LIAR
>”... but some *do* speculate that a human’s… dimensions are proportionate, yes? Compared to that of a colt…”

>AJ starts to say something, stops, starts again, and facehoofs.
>Fem smiles, “He is… proportionate, yes.”
>She and AJ know about your little spa adventure with little miss voyeuristic clothes horse.
>”But… well… Madame Fem I do not know if you’re … familiar with the stamina of our local colts…”
>Fem smiles like a cat who just had a canary souffle.
>”Much longer, Rarity. Much.”
>Pale white clothes horse goes pale pink.
>”Oh!”
>”Oh yeah. I tell ya, Rarity… some weekends Ah can barely get mah knees together afterward…”
>”Oh!”
>Rarity goes off to fan herself.
>Fem and AJ bump hoof-to-fist and giggle.
>You have some more cider. Because cider.

---

>Some time and rather a lot of cider later.
>”Ah’m really glad you’re here, Fem.”
>”Mm? Easy, Anon… stairs coming…”
>”’Cuz it’s a whole lot easier to get hoss up th’ stairs when there’s two of us and… hey did you see Minty at th’ reception?”
>”Minty? That’s Lyra, right?”
>”Yeah… sittin’ there with an umbrella in her cider mug and giant eyes like… woah there, hoss… no gettin’ frisky with me till we get up th’ stair- oh, dangit Fem… Ah shouldn’t be -”
>Your hand wound up on AJ’s flank entirely by accident. Seriously.
>Your other hand wound up on Fem’s bum… same reasons.
“I am … leaning.. at a 45 degree angle here…”
>”That’s because you’re between two women of different heights…”
>”An’ number of legs… hang on… woah… Woah… Ah.. okay… Ah think Ah can do this… One step at a time…”
“You got taller, AJ!”
>”Ah’m on mah hinds and this ain’t as easy as it looks so don’t wobble so much, hoss!”

>One step of hilarious (later when remembered) stairs later.
>”Ah… am gonna keep all four hooves on th’ ground thank you very much!”
“I think you did… magnifishently…”
>”He’s drunk, ain’t he?”
>”I think so. I’m a little buzzed myself… what were you apologizing for before, AJ?”

>AJ leans across the bed - still the biggest piece of furniture you have your ‘hotel room’ - and looks up at the ceiling.
>”Ah was just gettin’ a little frisky and you’re here and you’re his alpha…”
>”So why are you apologizing? You’re part of our Herd now, aren’t you?”
>You turn - ok, loll - to look up at Fem, who’s perched on the other side of you, crosswise, on the bed. She looks fine.
>Really fine.
>Dead sexy.
>So does AJ.
>Wow. You *are* hammered, aren’t you?
>AJ rolls over and winds up half-draped on you to look at Fem.
>This is not a bad thing.
>”Fem… you and Anon… Ah don’t wanna … Ah mean all that talk we did to get Rarity riled aside… he’s *yours*.”
>Fem slides down onto the bed - you’ve always appreciated how goddamn graceful she can be (wow you are drunk) - and leans on you to get nose to nose with AJ.
>”He’s *ours*, Jackie.”
>AJ earflicks. “That’s… th’ name Ah call mahself when we…”
>Wow. Earthy Earth Pony is blushing up a storm.
>Her tail’s hiking.
>You absently put your hand around it.
>AJ gasps, and Fem smiles.
>”Let’s start with this. Jackie… can I kiss you?”
>AJ stammers a little.
>”Yes! Ah mean, yeah and…”
>AJ looks at you.
>You look at AJ, then at Fem.
>They’re both looking at you, waiting for a hint.
>So you smile, and nod.


>Fem leans forward, rests her hand just under AJ’s chin, and with a little maneuvering, kisses her.
>AJ’s eyes go big, then (and you’ve never seen this before) roll up and she makes a really low, drawn-out sound. Her tail drags your hand up farther.
>Fem’s eyes slowly close as she concentrates on the kiss.  She makes a little sound.
>You realize you stopped breathing a while back there. You inhale.
>The room smells like AJ and Fem and … you realize that draped over you like they are, they both have a hand, or a hoof, awful close to your groin.

>Fem’s hand touches AJ’s hoof
>Both of them come to rest on your… you.
>One of them giggles, and the kiss parts, leaving AJ and Fem resting their foreheads against each other, smiling, stealing glances down at you.
>”Ah thinks he likes this…” AJ whispers.
>”I think he does..” Fem agrees.
>”Ah think there’s far too much clothing going on here.”
>”Mmhm.”
>”Mind if Ah get his pants?”
>”Just don’t tear off any buttons… “

>One pile of clothing, two ribbons and a hat later…
>”So how *do* you sup on ‘im with such a small -”
>”Carefully… like … iff…. nmmmmm? Mmmm…”

>You make some quiet, undignified sounds while being used as a demonstration model.
>You could strain to watch what’s going on down there, but all the pillows are at the wrong end of the bed so you stare, unfocused, at the ceiling, and go mostly be sound and touch.

>”That’s gotta be right back ‘gainst your uvula, Fem… he said y’ had - “
>(liquid sound) “Nnhhaah… I do… I have to be careful.. I can do that once or twice but not much more. So I use my tongue and lips more ike iff… “
>”Oh… Ah can ooo aaaaat…”
>Your brain shorts out for a moment trying to decide who’s tongue is whose and if you care.
>You don’t care.
>You attempt to stroke hair and mane and are relatively successful.
>”But you can get him all the way down?”
>”Easy, sugarcube… ‘ust ‘atch… gggllnnmmmmmMMMmmm….”
>”Oooo…”

>*brain thrash*

>*glp* “Nice little appetizer, hoss…” AJ giggles.
>”Aw. And I didn’t get any?”
>”Well, Ah can share…”
>You look ‘up’ in time to see your two… ladies… sharing…
>Wow.

>”An’ he’s not goin’ down, neither…”
>Fem giggles, “He didn’t really ejaculate… that was just a snack.”
>”Ah know… so… who rides him first?”

“Do I have a say in this?”

>”Do you *want* us to stop?”
“Hell no.”
>”Do you *have* a preference?”
“Uh. No?”
>”Ah think that’s th’ right answer, hoss.  But...uh… Ah think we’ll need some towels…”

>There is a reason you have a hamper of towels next to the bed.
>There’s been a reason for little over six months now.
>You’re still kinda drunk, but not so drunk that you can’t get some strategic towel placement going on…
>Fem suggests just ditching the sheets and … this makes sense.
>Even that bit of housekeeping doesn’t bring things to a halt.

>”Ah think since Ah’ve had him ‘round more than you have, and…  you’re the alpha mare…”
>You laugh, “AJ wants to see how humans fuck.”
>Wow, you’re drunk enough to say something like that out loud.

>Fem grins and kisses AJ again.
>Then she kisses you.
>You have a lot of kissing to catch up on, and the touch of her lips to yours makes that need more urgent.
>”Uh uh… stay there. AJ wants to see… so… let me… oh. Ahh. NNnnhyes…”
>”Went right in…wow….”
>”We’re a good fit, he and I… now... “ Fem squeaks and clenches. “I did not know I wanted to be licked when … I was… please do that again, Jackie?”
>AJ’s head on your tummy, and her tongue exploring where you and Fem join… it’s impossible to stay still.
>You reach out for AJ’s tail again, this time loose and drifting over your hand.
>”She likes… that… doesn’t she?”
“Mmhm… likes it more when…”
>You shift your hand and your thumb brushes over AJ’s pucker.
>AJ squeals and does something that feels pretty amazing with her tongue and lips
>Fem tenses, gasps, clenches, and half-curls over AJ’s head
>”Keep… encouraging… her… ‘non… oh… god…”

>You slip your thumb inside and it’s immediately trapped in AJ’s backside.
>AJ bucks against your hand, getting your fingers damp
>She groans, and you feel her mouth leave you so she can breathe
>Breathing - yeah you should do some of that.
>”Hoss… ‘s an evil.. evil thing… t’do… oh Celestia buck her, hoss… she needs it an’ Ah need to see her… jus’ keep… doin’ that…”
>You keep doing that and get your fingers nice and sticky
>AJ makes more urgent sounds and pushes her muzzle against you and Fem
>Fem braces on AJ’s shoulder, her tempo growing more urgent

>You’re really not certain who went over first.
>Honestly, you don’t care.

>Your hand is very wet.
>So’s your lap.
>So’s Fem

>Fem drapes over you, her head resting next to yours.
>AJ detaches from your  hand (not an easy task) and scoots around on the bed
>Good god. You’re being licked clean.
>So is Fem.
>This sets off a whole ‘nother round of things… at least briefly
>Squeals turn to giggling turns to tickling turns to “I bet I can make *you* make that noise!”
>And eventually everyone’s on the floor in a pile of towels cuddling and laughing.

---

>It’s later.
>Must have dozed off there.
>Not like you were doing anything vigorous or anything.
>AJ and Fem are draped over you.
>You kiss Fem’s brow. She nuzzles.
>You kiss AJ’s brow. She murmurs and nibbles on your chest a little.

“... love you.”
>Who were you saying that to, huh?
>Both of them?
>Yeah.
>Both of them.
>Your Herd.

---

---


>Two weeks into having a Herd.
>Two weeks of AJ and Fem working to convince you that, yes, it’s ok. It’s something they want, it’s something you can’t break because all three of you want it to work.
>Also two weeks of occasional mind-blowing sexytimes.
>This would be the ‘honeymoon’, yes?

>You and Fem find out that yes, Fem’s not that into women but… “aliens”… well…
“So that’s why you had all those back issues of “XXXenophile” in your dresser?”
>”Hang on there… *Ah’m* not the alien. Ah’m *from* here! Y’all’s the aliens!”
“At least we’re legal aliens?”
>”Shoosh, you. Besides, the letters you wrote didn’t tell me she tasted *that* good.”
>”At this rate Ah’m gonna get known as the premier hyoomin bucker in the county.”
“I think you’re the *only* human bucker in the whole damn place, AJ.”
>”Proud of it!... Tarnation, that didn’t come out right. Oh. And Fem tastes mighty fine as well. Different than ponies, but … mm. Ah am developing a taste for hyoomin.”
“Oh no! Carnivorous pony!”
>”That’s not what Ah meant an - aw buck it. What’s for lunch anyway?”

>This time, all three of you head out to Sweet Apple Acres.
>It still seems like not that long a walk to you. Something about pony scales of distance and such as they only come up to your belt buckle in most cases.

>Granny Smith welcomes back “Clemson” and “Ophelia”... which is apparently what she decided to call Fem.
>You still don’t get Granny.
>On the other hand, Granny…

>”So, Clemson - ya made an honest mare outa my AppleJack?”
>”Granny!”
>Dinner at Sweet Apple Acres. Never a dull moment.

“Yes ma’am, Fem and I and AJ formed a herd all nice and legal.”
>”Well that’s a good thing, Clemson.  I didn’t want to have to go chasin’ after ya at *my* age. I asked Big Mac and he just shook his head and told me he had faith in yah. Well, he said ‘Nnnnope’ which is about the same thing.”
>Yeah, that would be Big Mac all right.

>”And what about you, Miss Ophelia? How d’you like bein’ in a herd with mah granddaughter and Clemson?”
>Granny Smith can be a challenge if you’re not prepared.
>Fortunately, Fem’s plenty prepared.
>”Well, Granny, Clemson and I have known each other for years and when he broached the idea, we all had a nice long talk and worked everything out. I’m happy with the herd, as is Clemson and, we hope, AJ.”
>”Oh, AppleJack is ‘bout as happy as I’ve seen her in ages!  Got a little more spring in her step and she’s been buckin’ apples like she can’t wait t’ get back to the manger and -”
>”GRANNY!”

>AppleBloom wisely ignores this and carries on eating .
>A few fritters later, she’s  getting to know Fem.
>”You’re from Erf as well, Mrs. Femanon?”
>”Please, call me ‘Fem’, AppleBloom. Yes.”
>”And you and Anon have been married for a long, long time?”
>Fem chuckles, “A little over four years now. And now AppleJack is part of our family as well.”
>AppleBloom looks thoughtful. “Does that mean she’s not mah sister anymore?”
>”No, hon… AJ is still your sister, and she’s still part of the Apple family, too. I guess you can think of it as *your* family getting bigger by an Anon and a Fem.”
>AppleBloom blinks and then smiles real big. “That’s great! Does that mean you’ll be in the sleepover tonight then?”
>She leans over to Fem and stage-whispers, “AppleJack sometimes gets bad dreams, or I do, and we all wind up in the guest room with Anon.” She looks concerned. “We’re gonna need more pillows… I’ll bring ‘em in from mah room.”

>You are shoo’ed out of the kitchen after you offer to help with the dishes yet again.
>One of these days you’re going to get one over on them and wash everything before they can do that.
>Out on the back stoop, looking up at the stars.
>This is familiar enough.
>After trying to remember which constellations are which, a shadow passes over you.
“Hey Mac.”

>Big Mac settles in next to you and leans back on his forelegs, matching your stance.
“They talked me into forming a herd, Mac.”
>”Eyup.”
“Didn’t think I was up for it, but so far… nothing’s gone wrong.”
>”Yup?”
“Yeah. Fem and AJ get along like gangbusters… proving once again that in my case, the females in my life have their act together more than I do.”
>”Heh.”
“Not complaining. Just… bewildered.”
>”Yep?”
“In a good way, though.”
>”Mn.”

“Mac?”
>”Hm?”
“I’m gonna do everything I can to get this right.”
>Big Mac turns to look at you.
>The ever-present stalk of wheat travels from one corner of his mouth to the other and back.
>”Ah know you’ll do yer best.”
>Woah, words from Mac.
>”An’ with Femanon here, you got much better odds than y’ did without her. AppleJack’s content.  She’s happy ‘cuz she sees more in her life than just th’ farm. An’ that’s good.”
>You let that soak in for a bit.
>You hear dishes and female gossip through the back door.

“Mac?”
>”Hm?”
“You got a special somepony?”
>”Mmmm.”
“That’s noncommittal.”
>”Yep.”
“Ever thought of forming a Herd?”
>”Nnnope.”
“Numbers?”
>”Nope.”
“Waitin’ for the right one?”
>”... yup.”
“Hell, if it happened to me, it could happen to anyone.”
>”Heh.”

---

>At this point, the bed in the guest room is a token gesture more than anything else.
>Oh, and all the humans remain clothed.
>No sense in giving AppleBloom a crash course in Human Anatomy 101.
>She *does* bring pillows in from her room, though.
>Having Fem there does make it better.  In the same way that suddenly realizing you were missing something the last three dozen times you did something that was pretty nice anyway and then having that missing something appear makes things better.
>Wow, that made no sense.
>Everyone winds up cuddled up, tangled up, and, in AppleBloom’s case, partially on your head.
>Good thing she’s still little.

---
>Morning happens as it usually does when you’re staying at AJ’s.
>You wake up under a pile of horse. And Fem.
>Ok. You wake up under a pile of females.
>There’s some guys back on Erf who’d do terrible things for this to happen to them.
>And you’re beginning to think of it as ‘just another day’.

>Since this is the first time Fem has come out to the farm with you, she gets the grand tour.
>”And here’s our Golden Delicious plot - stop snickerin’, hoss - we got about sixteen acres of GD and the Red Delicious an’ they cross-pollinate nicely…”
>Fem always did like gardening.
>”So what do you use for fertilizer? Does the farm make its own compost?”
>Farm talk.  Well, Fem *did* grow up on the outskirts, near plenty of small farms.

>AppleBloom’s trotting along with the three of you, and when AJ and Fem get into a discussion about … farm stuff… she nudges your calf.
>”Hey, Anon?”
“Yeah?”
>”Now that you an AppleJack and Miss - sorry, Mrs. Fem have formed a Herd… there’s somethin’... Ah kinda wanna talk to you about.”

>Oh dear.

“And, uh,. what would that be?”
>”Well… can Ah show you?” AppleBloom leans past your legs, “Hey AppleJack! I’m gonna take Anon over to th’ treehouse for some CMC Auxiliary important stuff!”
>When did you get drafted by the CMC? Oh yeah, that ‘Xeonbiologists’ kick.
>Glad *that* ended quickly.

>”All right, but bring ‘im back in one piece now!”
>AJ, always looking out for your well-being.
>Fem shrugs, smiles and waves before going back to talking plants with AJ.

>The treehouse is still right where they left it.
>Three little capes hanging on a peg rack.
>You can’t stand up in here, but at least you can sit down and not bang your head on the ceiling.

“So…”
>AppleBloom sits herself down in front of you.
>”So… you know Scootaloo, a course…”
>Yeah, Scoots. Cute kid. Pegasi. Heck on wheels.
>”Well… she’s been…”  AppleBloom looks uncomfortable, shifting around a little.
>Please don’t let this be a ‘first season’ thing.
>”Scootaloo’s been sleepin’ here more nights than not, the last few months.”
“Oh? How come? Trouble at home?”
>”That’s… that’s the problem. She doesn’t like t’ talk about it, but … she doesn’t really *have* a home right now.
>”Her folks… well… her folks live up in Cloudsdale and what with Scoot’s … wing … situation… they’ve been flying her down here to th’ doctor’s and then flyin’ back up and after a while… they just sorta left her here with some relatives an’... an’ now she’s been stayin’ down here but she’s not gettin’ along real well with the relatives an’ so she started sleepin’ up in here an’...”

>You very carefully don’t say anything.
>AppleBloom looks up at you, closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and says “An’ if you were to make her part of yer Herd then she’d have a family here who can take care of her an’ Ah wouldn’t worry so much ‘bout her.”

>Well.
>That was unexpected.
>AppleBloom opens her eyes again and looks up at you.
>Hopeful?  Yeah. Hopeful.

“That’s … a big thing, AppleBloom, you know that, right?”
>”Uh-huh… but you’ve been real good to mah sister and Scootaloo’s practically a sister an’...”
>She peters out and slumps. “Ah mean… Ah thought it’d be worth… askin’...”

>You smile and scoop her up in a hug.
>AppleBloom leans into it.

“I think it’s really sweet of you to want the best her.”
>”Well, *yeah*...
“I think we’d need to talk about it… me and Fem and AJ… and Scoots. You can’t ‘draft’ someone into a herd…”
>Awful pun warning.
>”Oh Ah know, an’ b’sides, Scootaloo is a pegasus not a -”
>You boop AppleBloom, her nose being the ‘pause’ button.
“We already established you can’t get a cutie mark for awful puns.”
>She grins.
>”Cain’t fault a filly for tryin’!”
“No, no you can’t. Tell you what…” you set AppleBloom back on her hooves, “I’ll bring it up with AJ and Fem and see what would be required… and then we can talk to Scootaloo, okay?”
>The little filly nods, curly red main flipping around.
>”That’s all Ah wanted to ask, that y’all think about it.”

>Off in the distance, you hear an unmistakable sound, and laughter.
“I  think your sister’s showing off her apple bucking skills.”
>AppleBloom looks out the little window toward the trees.
>”Sounds like it. Ah hope Mrs. Fem knows to stay far enough out from under th’ branches. Wouldn’t do for her t’ get hit on th’ haid with a buncha apples.. like you did that one time.”

---

>The Talk, as you’ve come to think of it, happens out in the apple orchards.
>Naturally.
>Thankfully there are bushel baskets for you and Fem to sit on.
>And apples to munch.

>”Well tarnation… Ah knew AppleBloom was all tangled up ‘bout *somethin’*, but Ah had no idea it was *that*.”
“Yeah, it took me by surprise too.”
>Fem looks thoughtful. “So… what Scootaloo needs is… what? A legal guardian?”
>”More or less. Question is, what’d *we* need to do t’ make that happen?”
“A bigger place. Clearly.”
>”Up in Ponyville, y’ mean?  The farmhouse guest bedroom would work if we just stay in *mah* room when we’re all here…”
“Two words, AJ. Bigger. Bed.”
>”Already thinkin’ on that, hoss.  Scoots could room with AppleBloom or stay in the guest room as she likes, or stay with y’all - and me - in Ponyville…”
>”I’m pretty sure we can afford to have another mouth to feed - between the peanut butter thing, our ‘resident alien expert’ stipends and the fact that Twilight will do anything to keep us in town for ‘study’…”

“So... “
>As the Alpha - what a title - you feel like you have to say it.
“Do we ask Scoots?”

>Fem still looks thoughtful.
>AJ, too. “Ah’m a little torn ‘bout it… Ah wasn’t lookin’ t’ raise a filly at this time in mah life… then again Ah wasn’t expectin’ to have a special some…. one..”
>Hurray for species-neutral terms!
>“In mah life neither. Question is: are *you* ready, hoss?”
>Fem nods. “That’s the question all right.  It all boils down to you being willing to act as a legal guardian …”

>You and Fem had, in your pre-Equestiran days, talking about adoption or fostering if you couldn’t have kids of your own.
>You know, ten, fifteen years down the road.
>Not like, right this very moment.

---
>Fortunately, everyone involved decides to give it a few days and do some research… just in case AppleBloom’s perspective on things is a little… skewed.
>Because kids.
>Fillies.
>You know.

“Thanks for letting me talk with you after school, Miss Cheerilee. You do an amazing job with your class.”
>”Well, Mister Anonymous, we do what we can - I’m just happy the Mayor understands some of the challenges that come with teaching - she was a teacher herself, did you know that?”
>No, you did not.
“Wow. That’s cool.  Um. Anyway. I wanted - “
>Cheerilee perks, “Oh! I just remembered! Congratulations on forming your Herd!  This is the first Herd formed in Ponyville in over 75 moons - a pretty long time by our standards - I hope you and Mrs. Femanon and AppleJack have nothing but happiness!”
“Well, thanks! We’re still getting a handle on the whole ‘herd’ thing and that’s kind of why I wanted to talk with you -”
>Cheerilee blinks a few times, “I’m quite flattered, but you know, I’m a career mare -”

>MAYDAY

“Oh um no that wasn’t… that wasn’t it and I don’t mean any offense… the three of us are still working out how to be ‘the three of us’ and all that. No, um… y’see… ApppleBloom asked me some things about another student of yours… Scootaloo.”

>”MISTER Anonymous! I sincerely hope you’re not one of THOSE kind of Herd Alphas who goes around looking for young fillies to -”

>MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY

“Nonononohold your fire, Ma’am!”
>You’ve heard that Miss Cheerilee can kick a barrel through a stucco wall - and did so once.
>Granted, it was on fire, but…

>Cherrilee looks at you with the dubious expression of teachers everywhere, at least those who have had to deal with you.

“I think this may need a …”
>Quick, put this in teacher terms!
“BeforeI can present my thesis statement I need to present my supporting material, okay?”
>She tilts her head, then nods. “Fair enough, Mister Anonymous.”
“Please. Just call me ‘Anon’.  Being called ‘Mister’ just makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong.”
>She smiles wickedly. “Then it *worked*. Nice to see I still have the touch.”

>The conversation calms down and, over tea (Dandelion tea, which turns out not to suck as much as you’d feared) you explain AppleBloom’s question to you, and thus, your questions to her.
>Cheerilee gives you as much of Scootaloo’s ‘situation’ as she’s comfortable with giving.
>It’s pretty close to what AppleBloom said, although Cheerilee indicated that Scoot’s ‘relatives’ weren’t available for the last couple of quarterly PTCs.
>”Signed notes are what I usually see from them.  It means I have to formalize the notes I have for the Parent-Teacher Conferences, but we have an exchange student or two from Saddle Arabia so that’s not entirely out of the ordinary.”

>So… not much about Scootaloo’s home life.
>Nor her relatives.
>Nor her legal status.
>Well sheeoot.

“Okay. I think the bottom line is that AppleBloom’s worried about her friend and sees us - Femanon, AJ and myself - as a possible solution.  You know, a chance to have a relatively sta - uh, solid home life without having to give up what she has now, and something that’d keep her out of whatever version of ‘foster care’ this place has.”

>”Hm... “ she has that ‘thoughtful teacher’ look. “I can’t say how Scootaloo is doing at home, or at least at her relatives’ home, but based on my earlier encounters with her parents - who, again, I haven’t heard from in moons - AppleBloom may have the right idea.”
“Really?”
>”A supportive home, with ponies - sorry - individuals who clearly care about her well-being, access to the friends she already has, and she wouldn’t be moving to another town so we can continue… trying to educate her and everypony… else…”
“It’s not *that* bad, is it?”
>She sighs and grins. “No, no, it’s not. Doesn’t mean I can’t play that card with another ‘grown-up’, does it?”

---

>Of course, having a Herd doesn’t mean you can stop doing all the other things you have to do around here.
>Like work with Pinkie in the bakery
>And fend off her seemingly-endless questions about Herding and her stories about visiting Gramma Jasper and Grampa Feldspar and Gramma Calcite and Gramma Onyx and Grampa Granite an…
>And the occasional speculative looks you get from the Cakes.
>Two different speculative looks, really.
>Neither one of which you want to speculate on.


>And then there’s “tea with the aliens” time over at the Tree-library-lab-thingy.

“And no, we don’t ‘draw straws’ or pick names out of a hat.  Legally Fem’s the primary female, but she and AJ work really well together and help keep me, well, sane.”
>”So were you crazy *before* you founded the her- Oh wow that did not come out right did it?”
“Uh. No, no it didn’t. I was pretty unbalanced when I first came here, though, as Twilight can attest.”

>”So who sleeps with who-”
>”I think that’s a very inappropriate question, young colt.”  Twilight, the conversational lifeguard.
>”... but I wanna know…”

>That leads to a post-tea conversation with Twilight, who seems to have a handle on how things work around here.
“We’re looking at finding a place of our own -”
>”From what I’ve been able to work out, we have almost enough bits to buy a home big enough to live and work in … but we’re not certain where to start. It sounds like all the buildings here have been here forever, Twilight.”
>”Well, Mrs. Femanon, aside from the boarding houses and privately owned homes, there are some undeveloped plots a little farther from the center of Ponyville…  Spike, can you get these humans a summary of what’s available?”
>Spike - little purple and green dragon dude, although he’s getting taller - scoots off to a big pile of scrolls to research.

>Scoots.
>Yeah. There’s that question too.
>So far, you and your Herd have been, you hope, quietly researching things and …”

>”Hey! Anonymous! Hyoomin person … guy… thing...”
>How can someone on four wheels be so quiet sliding up to you on the street, anyway?
“Hey, Scootaloo.”

>Scootaloo - who comes up to about your navel when she’s upright on that scooter thing of hers - leans on the handlebars and looks up at you.
>”I hear you and AppleJack and that other hyoomin got Herded.”
“Uh, yeah. Seems like it’s big news around here.”
>”Eh. Up *there*,” she points upward and off to where you guess Cloudsdale is, several hundred yards above you, “sometimes pegasii ‘flock’ together. At least that’s what I’ve been told.” She grins. “Fluttershy and Dash don’t like to talk about it though. Something about it being all ‘personal’ and stuff. Eugh!”
>Yep, Scoots is at that age where anything involving mushy personal relationship stuff is ‘Eugh’.
“I think Fem and AJ are the ones in charge. I just do the heavy lifting and sign stuff.”
>”Yeah?’ Scoots flicks a wing. “Sounds like the right idea to me. Most of the colts I know - clueless.  Oh hey - are you coming out to Sweet Apple Acres this weekend?  We’ve got the monthly CMC sleepover in the treehouse - Granny keeps threatening to make ‘smures’ or something if she can get the ‘mush mellows’ or whatever they are….” she looks thoughtful. “I don’t know what those are, but they don’t sound good to me.”
“S’mores? Marshmallows?”
>You’ve been here for what, three years almost, and didn’t know they had these things here?
“Scootaloo… It’ll be worth it.”
>”As good as peanut butter?”
“Quite… possibly… better…”
>”Cool!”
>Scoots takes off in a buzzsaw of wings
>You understand that she can’t fly, but you can’t figure out how pegasi fly in the first place.



>When you were back on Erf, you spent a lot of time with Fem.
>Well, you’re married. This happens.
>Go to sleep together.
>Wake up together.
>Breakfast - off to work (when you had it) and back home and have dinner and repeat.

>When you fell through the spinny glowy thing and wound up here, you spent a lot of time by yourself.
>Granted, a lot of it was wallowing in self-pity.
>AppleJack, who you barely knew before the whole peanut thing, helped ground you in the reality you found yourself stuck in.
>Earth pony. Grounding. Clever.
>All the while helping you keep your commitment to Fem.
>When Fem came through the spinny glowy thing… well, now you have two partners.
>Long story short: You don’t spend an awful lot of time by yourself these days.
>Sometimes, though, Fem is busy with something and AJ is off at the farm and you can just… wander around.
>That’s what you’re doing now.
>Well, you *do* have an excuse.
>You’re shopping for land.

>Equestrian culture doesn’t lend itself to ‘lot for sale’ signs.
>Some pony has land he or she wants to sell, they tell other ponies.
>Apparently it’s all word-of-mouth.
>Thankfully someone writes this stuff down - that someone being Twilight, who puts the hyphen in ‘anal-retentive’.
>You wander past a few houses - some big, some small, at least one tent, and hit on a plot of land with nothing on it.
>This looks like the place.

>The plot - well, it’s land.
>That’s pretty much all you know about land. it’s flat. It’s not near a river or anything.
>No big spooky trees.
>You feel a bit like Clark Griswold reaching the Grand Canyon in that movie.
>Here it is.
>Yep.
>Okay let’s go.

>”Oh hay there! You’re that hyoomin thingy, right? Mononomous?”
>Well, you were, once…
>Hang on.
“What? Oh hi there!”
>The pony that’s speaking is leaning on a fence, watching you. Orangish mane, kinda yellow-gold-yellow coat.
>On her side of the fence - you’re pretty certain she’s a ‘she’ - is a lot of tilled earth and a small, tidy-looking house.
“Yeah, we’re looking to build a place to move into, and I heard this plot was for sale.”
>”Yeah, I’ve had it on the market for a little while… Name’s Golden, by the way. Golden Harvest.”
>She grins and tips a wink. “Most ponies call me ‘Goldy’ or ‘Carrot Top’ for *some* reason.”
>The flick of her mane when she says that lets you know she knows darn well why they call her that.
“So … this land’s yours?”
>”Been in the family for a few generations but… well, it’s more land than one pony can cultivate and it’s not so good for the crops I seem to have a knack for…”

>You wander over to the fence because clearly you’re going to be here for a little while, and lean on it.

>On her side, you see mostly root vegetables - the ones you can easily identify, anyway.
>Beets, maybe parsnip or rutabaga, and, yep, carrots. Lot of carrots.

“Well, we’re not looking to do much growing here… just need a solid place to put a house.”
>”Oh that’s right, you’re the alpha of a new Herd, aren’t you?”
“Yeah,”
>”Goldy” tilts her head a little, “I think it does ponies good to see the Herd tradition being continued.  Even if they aren’t part of one…”
>Is she sizing you up?
>That’d be one of those ‘speculative looks’ things from earlier.
>”And I understand you’re growing peanuts out at the Apples’ place, right?”
“Yeah. I’m impressed that it caught on as well as it did.”
>”Goldy” laughs, “No foaling!  I wish I had thought of it, but most ponies thought of that  crop as appropriate for the ungulates and cloven-hooves, not ponies.  Pea-nut-butter…” she whistles.
>You get the feeling that she’s sizing you up alright, but more for a ‘how many bits can I get from this monkey’ thing than a ‘I wonder if I can get into his pants’ thing.
>You’re not certain this is any less awkward than the other way you’ve been sized up.

“So… what are you looking for for the land?”
>”Well, do you want the water and mineral rights? Not that there’s much here, and the Diamond Dogs don’t like to dig this far into town anyway…”
>You are immediately in over your head.
“That… is a really good question.  I think I’m going to have to ask the smarter members of my fami-  my Herd.”
>Goldy laughs, “The mares do tend to manage things in Ponyville… that’s more tradition than anything else.  Leaves the colts more time to lift and carry and… whatever else colts do when we’re not watching.  But, you can’t expect a lot from a colt ‘till he’s properly hitched, right?”
>She gets a concerned look on her face. “I didn’t mean that in an insulting way there, Anonynon… I don’t know a lot about how things work where you’re from, but…”
>You grin.
“You’re not too far off, only thing is that males like to at least pretend we’re in charge…”
>Whether it’s true or not, it gets a laugh from her and as Jimbo said once, if you can get ‘em laughing, you can get their wallets. Or bit purses. Or whatever they carry money in …

>After a bit more small talk and some stuff written down on a little notebook -
>(You asked the pony at Quills and Sofas to make you a notebook with the letter I imprinted on it.)
>(You call it your I Pad.)
>(Fem is the only one who gets the joke)
>{ and she’s not sure she wants it.)
> - you head back to the ‘motel room’.

>More speculative looks.
>In one case, somepony starts to trot over to walk with you then… sorta shys away again.

>On the way home, you’re intercepted by Lyra with some notes for next week’s ‘tea with the alien’ time.
>At least this time she’s not stammering and staring you straight in the belt buckle.
>Admittedly, ponies are short. That’s where ‘eye level’ is on a pony.
>”S-so… how is the… h-herd, Anon?”
>Rather than walk with your neck craned down at a 45 degree angle, you stop and sit down on the grass.
>This is probably the best way to talk to ponies at close to eye level anyway.
“It’s… interesting.  Fem’s handling most of the paperwork, with AJ advising her on cultural stuff.  She’s pretty amazing - she’s adapted to how things work here so much faster than I did.”
>Lyra waggles her head a little, “Well, she’s got *you* here to interpret things for hyoomins and, uh, I shouldn’t say this but… we *did* have you for a year and a half to make all our mistakes on…”
>She grins up at you. “So she doesn’t have to deal with all the science and social mis-steps. And ponies are getting a little more used to hyoomins… sort of.  Having teats up *here*,” she rears and gestures at her upper chest, “would be really awkward..”
“It helps that we walk around on our, uh, hindquarters.”
>Lyra rears up again and wobbles. “Woah. Okay. Um…”
>She takes a step toward you, then another.
>That’s where things go wrong and she topples toward you. “WOAAAAH!”
>You manage to catch her without being impaled.
>She goes stiff, then sighs and sorta melts against you as you support her.
>You’re almost certain she’s purring.
>”Sor-rryyy, Anonymousynonny… Thought I could do-o thaaaat…”
>Oh yeah. Sensitive. Lyra’s sensitive to whatever weird ‘carrying your own reality with you’ thing that got you through the spinny glowy thing in the first place.

“Are you okay?”
>”Iiiii’’mmmm just fine. Gonna sit. Riiight. Here.”
>You have a magically intoxicated pony on your hands.
>No really, on your hand.
>Your hand: she’s sitting on it.
>Your… kinda damp hand.

“Lyra?”
>Lyra looks drunk. Like, ‘gettin’ hammered with AppleJack’ level drunk.
>No, strike that.
>She looks stoned.
>Droopy eyes, goofy grin.
>Glowy horn.
>Fizzy hand.
>Uh oh.
>Fizzy tingly sensations are how you detect magic happening on you and some magic’s happening right now, right here, in public.
>On your hand.
>Which she’s sitting on.

>”Mmmnonymous…”
>Yeah she’s gone.
>And she’s… trying to move your fingers.
>There is no graceful way to deal with this.
>You scoop Lyra up and double-time back to the ‘hotel’ with Lyra in your arms.
>”Wheeeeeooooomorebouncing!”
>You’re just praying you don’t run into, say, Pinkie in this situation.
>There is no good way to explain this to anypony and even fewer ways to explain this to Pinkie that wouldn’t involve … really amazingly inappropriate suggestions from Pinkie.
>Innocent, but amazingly inappropriate.

>You solve part of the problem (moany purry Lyra) by tilting her so her face is in your chest..
>Yeah that horn isn’t stabby at all, right?
>You make the stairs
>(“oooh!morebouncyjustalittlemorepleeeeeeassse?”)
>You open the door to your rooms with one hand
>The other hand is, uh, occupied.
>If not ‘lodged by magic’
>You boot the door open and Lyra lets out a noise that’s really too loud and porn-star-level in every other way

>... to see AJ and Fem sitting on the bed, previously talking to each other
>Now both staring at you.

>You are Anonymous.
>You have had some awkward moments in your life.
>But having just burst into your room with what appears to be a stoned and loud sexually climaxing Lyra (who’s using her magic to make  your fingers do things under her flank)  to encounter your wife, Fem, and your, uh, also wife, AJ, sitting on the bed having a casual chat…
>Pretty damn awkward.

>Nobody says anything until Lyra spins down.
>This takes longer than you think is probably normal, and ends in a “Oooooooooo…… snuggle now nap yay...’
>Quite possibly the longest awkward pause in the history of awkward pauses ensues.
>Then AJ goes *snrk*
>And that sets off Fem.

>Now you have AJ and Fem lolling on the bed laughing, Lyra making cute snoring sounds, a hole in your shirt from Lyra’s horn and your hands are really in need of a good wash.

“All right. This *is* pretty damn funny.”
>”Th’ look on your FACE when y’ carried Sparky in here and she just POPPED like she ain’t had a good rut in YEARS an’ -”
>”Anon - ahahahah - Anon - honey - beloved… *snrk*... hang on… I’ll be … don’t LOOK at me that way AJ you’re going to set me off aga*SNRK*AAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

>You wait, patiently, and stickily, for your two spouses to spin down.
>While you wait, you decide if you’re going to say what you were going to say before all the laughing, but for different reasons.

“Ladies… there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.”

>And there they go again.

>By the time people and ponies settle down, Lyra, amusingly, hasn’t woken up yet.
>”Okay… okay… Ah’m good. Ah’m … oh that poor filly … she is gonna be all *kiinds* a’ mortified...’
“Yeah. Uh. Bed? Maybe with some towels because…”
>Sounds like a plan. Let’s get her down and .. wow, she really did a number on your shirt, Anon?”
“Horn. Nuzzly. Poky. Stabbity.”
>”Hang on… lower her gently… okay. She’s on the towels and … whoo… your hand smells like…”
“Like horny mare, I know. I’m kinda familiar with that for *some* reason.”
>”Ain’t … *entirely* mah fault.”
“Not entirely, no. Nice pause while you realized you couldn’t lie about it, AJ.”
>”Pbbbt. Element of Honesty. Not just a job. It’s a big pain in th’ FLANK sometimes…”

>You change out of your shirt and wash the bejeesus out of your hands.
>AJ and Fem engage in what, in another context, might be called ‘aftercare’.
>Making sure Lyra is comfortable and not going to fall off the bed.
>Exchanging a few Looks with each other.
>(Dang females and their non-verbal communication skills)

>While you’re using one of the few remaining clean towels, you have a nice view of the bed.
>Three females on the bed.
>Your Herd… and Lyra.

>”Poor filly… Anon’s like a drug an’ an aphrodisiac to her…”
“She told me once that her, uh, sensitivity was one of the reasons Twilight hired her as an assistant….”
>”So she’s Twilight’s canary? If something weird is going to happen, she’s the first to know?
>”An’ headbutting you put her poor little horn and noggin in direct contact, an’ that set off her magic -”
“You could see that?”
>”Oh yeah, that glow under her flanks? That had her signature all over it.”
>Unicorn magic has signatures. Interesting.

>Fem cocks her head at you.
>”You look… awfully awkward over there, Anon. C’mon. Bed’s just about big enough.”
“You sure?”
>”Lyra’s going to be embarrassed, and probably scared that what happened was a bad thing…”
>”An’ it’s not her fault she’s so… y’know…”
>”So having you here and not upset is a *good* thing.”
>Hard to argue with that kind of logic.

>It takes a little doing, but all four of you fit on the bed.
>All curled up around Lyra, who’s curled up on towels and making little content sounds.
>With occasional glowy horn events.
>Just magic fizzing off on your hand, or your tummy.
>One of those events causes a soft squeak from Fem.
>”She… that’s magic, is it?”
>”Yep.”
>”... how do unicorns ever leave the *house*?...”


>Fem and AJ get into a quiet, giggly discussion about unicorn magic and the ‘fizziness’ that the subjects of same feel. You chime in a little, but when they start talking about girl bits and magic you, wisely, let them carry on.
>No sense in bringing up Twilight’s ‘sampling’ technique from the first year you were here.
>You’re fairly certain that was for entirely scientific purposes.
>Probably.

>Lyra snuggles in against you, Fem and AJ, prompting three variations on ‘aww’.
“It’s not that she’s such a freaking human-fixated horndog… uh… hornpony..”
>”... she *does* have a horn…”
“That’s not what I meant and you two know it.”
>”Don’t mean we won’t razz ya anyway, hoss.”
“Love you too, AJ… Lyra just has a real problem staying focused when there’s weird stuff around her.  Like… me and Fem. Which is why I’m not sure creating a snugglepile with her is the best ide-”

>Lyra chooses this moment to start waking up.
>”Mrmh? Bonnie, wha... “
>She raises her head.
>You’re the first thing she sees.
>”...omigosh.”
>”It’s okay, Lyra. You had a little incident but you’re okay.”
>”Miz Fe- … omigosh.  And AppleJack? Omigosh. Omigoshomigoshomigosh”
>”We’re losin’ her, hoss...  An’ she’s sparkin’ again.”

>Damn, son. Do the responsible thing.

“Lyra…”
>You put your hand on her hoof. She goes real still very suddenly.
>”..... Anon?”
>Wow her eyes are big.
“You’re in our room and you’re safe. Okay?”
>”.... okay…”  She looks around to verify that statement, little golden sparks pinging off her horn randomly.  “What happened?’
>”Y’ got a little … overexcited an’ commandeered Anon’s fingers after y’ headbonked him.”
>Lyra makes a very small noise and attempts to burrow into the towels.
>”Omigosh I am so sorr- this smells like - OH NO TARTARUS TAKE ME NOW!”
>Panic attack unicorn is panicky.

>You grab at her hoof and she goes all still again.
“Lyra?”
>Fem rests a hand on her back. Lyra makes a really interesting little sound.
>Her tail hikes a little.
>”*squeak*?”
>”Lyra can you hear us?”
>”.... uh huh.”
>”Where are you?”
>”I’m in Anon and Femanon’s room with … three of … you and… I … I’m really… embarrassed… and … kinda turned on… right now.”

>AJ nods slowly. “She’s not used to bein’ around this much of yer ‘reality’, hoss.  An’ Fem carries part of that with her ‘cuz of, uh, bein’ around you so much before ya fell through t’ here.”
>She rubs her head with a hoof. “Shoot. *Ah* may be carryin’ it to f’r that matter… Ah mean after all th’ time we’ve spent t’gether…”
>Lyra turns her head to look at AJ. “You’re fine, AppleJack. The amount of Anon’s alternate reality that clings to you is well within tolerable levels.”
>She blinks. “Wow...  Ever been really high and then suddenly you’re all sober? That’s what just ha- you’re still touching me. Two humans are still touching me and I’m coherent.” She blinks again. “Wow.  I think I’m sober but babbling.”
>Fem strokes Lyra’s back. Lyra’s tail hikes a little more.
>”And I’m … really turned on, too. Fingers are amazing. They can … I just remembered what I made Anon’s fingers do to… I should stop talking… but… if you could keep doing that with your hand, Miz Fem, that… that’s really nice.”
>Lyra drops her head down onto her hoof, which pins your hand in place.
>”I think I need to sleep some more and process all this. Thanks for bringing me indoor….”
>Aaand she’s out.

>You, Fem and AJ share a moment, basking in the absurdity.
>”AJ? Since you’re the only one who’s not stuck on this Lyra trap…”
>”Already on it, Fem… Ah’ll just get m’ mane back in order an’ trot over to th’ Library. Have a couple words with th’ Princess…”

>With nothing else productive to do, you doze off.

>At some point, Fem extracts herself from the Lyra trap.  When next you awake, she’s at the little dining table doing things with paper and pen-
>- Femanon mastered the quill pen in about two minutes.
>You still look like the survivor of an octopus attack after using one. -
>She notices your awake and smiles at you.
“Hey,”
>”Hey.”
“You need me to…”
>You realize you are once again Under A Horse.  Lyra has claimed not just your hand but much of your torso.
>”Nah.  You’re fine.  She made some little sad pony sounds when I got up but she’s been sleeping the whole time, and I think you need some downtime too, so take it.”
“Mkay… but … oh did you find the paperwork on that land-”
>”The stuff in your pocket?  Yeah.  I’m looking at it now.”
“How did you get that stuff out of my pocket when -”
>”Ancient Wife Secret. Pet the Lyra. I’m going to do some financial math things.”
“Okay.”

>You have to admit that being Under A Horse - okay, a Pony - isn’t the worst place to take a nap.

>A tap at your door breaks whatever half-asleep reverie.
>If you crane your neck a little you can see Fem get up to answer the door, which reveals AJ and Purple Lab Coat Winged Science Pony - Princess Twilight.
>”Ah’d advise being quiet on account a’ Sparky - Lyra, Ah mean - havin’ some downtime.”
>Twilight - just a half-head taller than AJ, looks over at you and Lyra on the bed.
>You’d wave, but Lyra now has both your hands pinned under her.
>You attempt a winning smile and a nod.

>”I see… I appreciate your suggestion, AppleJack, but experience has given me a more advisable course of action.  LYRA!”
>Wow. Princess voice.
>Lyra bolts upright, “YES, PRINCESS!”
>You now have a horse standing on you.
>It’s a wonder you aren’t flat.
>”Please climb down from the human and report.”

>Lyra looks down at you and guiltily hops down (oof).  She gives a little bow then plunks herself onto her backside and starts talking in all kinds of scientific magicky gibbery things.  You do pick out the words ‘pre-estrus’, ‘aural fluctuations’, ‘fingers’, and ‘involuntary responses’.
>All the while, Twilight’s moving a pencil along a clipboard with her magic.
>-where the hell does she keep those things? In the lab coat?
>-and making “Ah” and “I see” sounds.

>Lyra finishes the report with a startlingly accurate statement of the date and time.
>Twilight makes the clipboard and pencil go away (POOMF - purple flash) and nods.
>”Anything else you wish to report?”

>Lyra goes from sitting bolt upright to a more casual stance. “Um.  When… both humans were in contact with me I did not have the same wild fluctuations… and the usual response to same… their compatibility may establish a more stable field..”
>She looks around at your little ‘hotel room’. “This space feels much more settled and free of random energy spikes, for example.”
>Twilight nods, “Being with somepony you’re emotionally committed to will do that.” She looks over at AppleJack, who grins.  Twilight grins back.  “*Two* someponies, all the more so.  I wish you had been working with me when we first discovered the Elements, Lyra. That would have been a source of some amazing data…”

>”So Ah’m ‘amazing data’, *Prin-cess*?”  AJ hipchecks Twilight, who just barely makes her ‘save vs social dorkiness’ roll and maintains her Scientific Demeanor. Sort of.
>AJ gets treated to a labcoat-flapping wing-hug.

>”You’re still one of my best friends, AppleJack.  And I trust you implicitly. Otherwise I wouldn’t have let you spend so much time with the alie-  With Anon and Femanon.”
>Twilight gives you and Fem an apologetic smile. “Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the science… in any case,” she turns her attention to Lyra. “Do you think you can handle the energies now?”
>Lyra nods brightly, “Oh yes!  When I was asleep I subliminated the grounding cantrip you first taught me - Now I just feel… good.”
>”Very well, Lyra. Just be careful.  Anon?”
>You’re still on the bed.  You sit up, at least.
“Yes, Princess?’
>Now she loses that roll and shakes her head a little, causing the glasses to go slightly skew. “Twilight, please.  I understand that you’re looking for a larger residence now that you’ve established your Herd… and it may be growing more soon?”

>Dang. Princesses hear everything.
“Well, it depends on a lot of things but yes.”
>”As emissaries to Equestria, We think We can subsidize some of the costs of establishing a homestead, provided you and Femanon can make yourselves available occasionally.”
>”We?” says Fem.
>Twilight nods and grins. “That’s the Princess job talking. You have to say ‘We’ when you’re talking as a Princess.” She straightens back up, “We would ask that you consider discussing Herd dynamics with Lyra, as she comes from a Herd east of Phillydelphia and may have some insight that would prove useful.”

>Lyra goes a little maroon under minty green fur.
>Twilight drops the Princess stance again and leans over to stage-whisper, “And to be honest, she really likes you. And Fem, and AppleJack. Just saying…”
>Lyra, much more maroon.

>A few more social niceties are had and Twilight heads out.
>Lyra shuffles around the room a little then sighs and plunks herself back down onto her butt.
>”Anon… Fem… AppleJack… I am *so* sorry I … uh…”
>”You went all seasonal on Anon and took over his hand t’ give yerself a diddlin’ you won’t ever forget?”
>”... yeah.” Lyra makes a face. “Element of Honesty. Right.  How do you two hyoomins live around that?”
“Mostly we don’t lie. No matter how silly or dumb the truth sounds.”
>”It also helps that we each trust the other,” Fem notes.
>Lyra nods. ”I can see that… anyway. I should probably head ho- … oh. Oh wow I forgot entirely about that - Bonnie’s moving out to Manehattan… her grandmare’s not doing so well so Bonnie’s going to take care of her.  The place is gonna be awful quiet.”

>”Hoss, y’ever get the feeling that some purple know-it-all is carefully arrangin’ events to lead up to us takin’ Sparky here out t’ dinner?’


>You do, in fact, take Lyra out to dinner at the cafe you came to know as “the quiet one that doesn’t have Pinkie in it” after your first drunken bender with AJ.

>Lyra is a pretty interesting pony once she stops displaying all the signs of a ferret hopped up on espresso and spanish fly all at the same time.
>Of course, she hasn’t been around you *and* Fem together all that much.
>Maybe it’s that ‘herd’ thing.  Twilight said Lyra was from a Herd.

>”Oh yeah, Moms and Dad have a couple hundred acres outside of Fillydephlia proper - There’s a big common house and everyone has a studio or a shed or at least a clearing under some of the big trees for themselves - mostly those get used in the Summer,” Lyra deftly maneuvers a forkload of pasta toward herself. “Whenf if winfe-  *glmpf* - sorry… When it’s winter time, everypony winds up in the common house for warmth and to keep from going screwy.”

>”Are all of your parents unicorns?” asks Fem.
>”Mmf… this is really good. Why does this taste so good? Uh, anyway, Mom prime and Dad are unicorns… Mom Jean Bean and Mom Dallywrangle are Earth Ponies… and Momma Waft is a pegasus.  My sisters and I thought sometimes Momma Waft was brought into the herd so the family would have a chance at some weather control during the cold months, but… eh.” She goes after more pasta. “This is really, really good.  I think I’m just a lit-tle buzzy from the residual effects of your realities rubbing up against me…”
>”It also helps that this place makes dang good food, Sparky.”
>”Yeah it does, doesn’t it? I’m sorry, AJ… I get kinda scattered and sometimes a thought occurs to me and I just have to … let it out.”
>”Ain’t nothin’ to be ashamed of, Sparky.  Spend twenny minutes with Granny Smith and you’ll feel positively taciturn.”
>Laughing unicorns may not have all the fine motor control they should when laughing.
>You’re certain the tomato sauce will wash out of your shirt.
>Fem somehow managed to catch the fork and dodge the flying sauce.

>”AJ… I don’t mean to pry -”
>”Well,  ya do, but it’s not gonna be a deep pry -”
>’... element of Honesty. Right.   I can’t help but notice that you have nicknames for ponies… and people.   Anon is ‘Hoss’... you call me ‘Sparky’... but why do you call Fem ‘Sugarcube’.”
>AJ goes a little red under her coat. “‘S kinda accurate. An’ a little personal.  She tastes sweet.”
>Fem quirks an eyebrow and grins.
>You sit there and vigorously Don’t Say a few things.
>”Sweet,. AppleJack?”
>”Uh huh. At least compared to some fillies Ah know.”
>Now it’s Lyra’s turn to go pink. Or maroon. Green coat. Maroon.
>Fem looks at AJ, then looks at you.
>”I think we’ve hit the ‘oversharing’ part of the program. Your thoughts?”
“Do I have to?”
>”Yes,” say three females simultaneously.
“I’m outnumbered.”
>”Yes,” say three females simultaneously.  Two of them with smugness.
“Fem is sweeter than AJ. AJ is … tangy.”
>”Yeah, she *is* tangy  - I should not have said that out loud I’m gonna just eat more pasta now please pass me a paper bag to put over my head…” Lyra mutters.
>Fem pats Lyra on the shoulder. Lyra’s fork wobbles a little but stays airborne in a pale golden glow.
>”I agree, Lyra. She *is* tangy.”

>You don’t exactly choke on  your drink.
>After all, Fem and AJ know you have sex with them both.
>And… AJ certainly ‘helped’ a few nights ago…
>So, if you’re not around, who’s to say Fem and AJ can’t have some fun if they want to?
“Now I’m just ticked I missed it.”
>”What? You wanna watch or somethin’?’ AJ teases.
>”...I wanna watch…” Lyra mumbles. “Okay maybe I’m not entirely on top of this ‘buzzy’ thing after all *and* I’m sitting next to the Element of Honesty who keeps rubbing her hoof against my leg I shouldn’t have said that either huh?”
>Lyra’s leaning far enough into her plate that she’ll be wearing it soon.

“Lyra… it’s okay… really.”
>”... is it?” She looks up. “I mean… Bonnie’s always giving me grief because… you … hyoomins… fascinate me.  You’re *neat*!”
>”Well, Lyra, I, as a ‘hyoomin’, think ponies are *neat*!”
>”You do, Miz Femanon?”
>Fem nods, “Yeah. And AJ has told me a *little* about what you and she got up to that one time…”
>Lyra blinks at her rapidly. “... she did?”
>”Ah ain’t lyin’, Lyra.  An’ when you were comin’ down off… makin’ use of Hoss’s fingers there… y’ might have accidentally sparked on Fem a couple times.”
>”And I asked how it is that unicorns can ever muster the strength to leave the house after…”
>Lyra’s blushing so hard her magic’s taken on a pink tinge.

>During *that* awkward pause, you have one of those moments - rare, perhaps - where you and your wives get the same thought at the same time.
>Either that or you finally Got the Clue and they’ve been waiting patiently for you to do so.

>You hold your hands up in the universal symbol of blackjack dealers everywhere.
“I got nothin’.... except that you *did* say BonBon was moving out… “
>”And we’re going to be building a larger place…”
>”An’ Ah know for a fact that yer boss would love t’ have you in close proximity t’ hyoomins so ya can learn stuff with that horn a’ you-”
>”Please don’t rub it right now, AppleJack. You know how sensiti- Memo to self: Anon and Femanon’s reality plus AppleJack’s innate Element status causes Lyra to overshare like mad.”

“Ladies? Should I?”
>Fem grins. “I think it’d be a good idea if the question came from you.”
>AJ nods, flicking her ponytail over her shoulder, “If ya don’t, Ah’m just gonna keep kicking ya under the table ‘till ya do.”

“Lyra, would you be interested in moving in with us once the house is built?”

>Lyra, in mid-pasta-consumption, pauses.
>Totally pauses. The fork stays in her mouth, one random strand of fettuccine dangles past her chin.
>”Ah think ya broke ‘er, hoss.”
>Lyra’s eyes have always been kinda big.
>Now thery’re kinda big and way dilated.

“Lyra? You in there?”
>Lyra remains still.  The fork is carefully removed via magic and set on the table next to her plate.
>Fem gently waves a hand in front Lyra’s face.
> ”Lyra? You’re beginning to worry me. I know this sounds like a sudden question and all but -”
>The strand of fettuccini SLURPS into the stunned-looking minty pony’s mouth.
>Lyra’s napkin floats up to dab some sauce off her chin, then floats down.
>Impressive that she can do all that while retaining that deer - ok, pony - in the headlights expression.

>Without moving any other part of her body, her eyes - big golden-irised things - swivel to meet yours.
>You feel the hairs go up on the back of your neck.
>Wisely, you set your utensils down and push  your drinking mug off to the side.
>You are hit by a flying unicorn shortly thereafter.
>Your chair goes over.
>You go over with the chair.
>Lyra goes over with you and the chair.
>You are, thankfully, not impaled at all.
>Is this pony crying or something?
>You go all fizzy - Lyra’s picking you, the chair, and herself up.
>”BRACE YERSELF, HOSS!”

>Floating, as you are, in the gold fizzy stuff of Lyra’s magic, you find yourself with a face full of Lyra.
>”Anonymous, I would very much like to discuss taking up residence with your herd.”

>That wasn’t *exactly* the question as you phrased it but…

“Cool.”

>Lyra grabs you in a startlingly rib-crinkling hug and rests her head against yours.
>That’s when she faints, the magic thing shorts out, and you, Lyra, and the chair meet the ground fast.

>”... and THAT is what Ah was tellin’ ya to brace for.

--

>Dessert and the replacement of one chair and some logistical discussions later, Lyra half-trots, half-floats back to her current residence and you, Fem and AJ head back to yours.
>”Ah told ya she was loopy for ya, hoss.”
“I don’t know if it’s me, or me and Fem, or humans in general.”
>”She could just be a hard-core xenophile.”
>”Zena-what?”
>”Someone who’s really into new and different life forms. Like a pony would be to a human or -”
>”Or a hyoomin… or hyoomins… who like frolickin’ with ponies?”
>AJ sure is capable of grinning wickedly sometimes.

>”Yeah, or humans who like frolicking with ponies. Well, one particular one. “
>”So far, sugarcube. So far…”
“It wasn’t as if you gave her much choice in the matter.”
>”Did so - Ah said Ah wanted to see you rut her and then… got a little… involved.”
”You got a *lot* involved.”
>”Are you complaining, Anon? Are you upset that AJ decided to join the dance?”
“Hell no.”
>”Good. Otherwise we’d just ask you to go for a walk when I wanted to ride a pony again.”
“... ‘ride a pony’? Fem, that’s… awful.”
>”’Awful’ is them wind-up colt parts. Ah am *so* glad them things are a part of mah past…”
>Fem comes up short. “Wind up colt - they *have* those things here? Without electricity to -”
>AJ goes into surprisingly clinical detail about the nature of wind-up colt parts. and that (with pauses when you three are walking past anyone with earshot) is the topic of conversation all the way back to your ‘hotel room’.

>As you climb the stairs, Fem’s shaking her head. “No electricity and someone goes and invents a wind up vibrator.  Too bad we can’t send *those* through the portal. Probably make a killing in the Steampunk market.”
“What, you think the mechanism’s wouldn’t work back on Earth?”
>”No…” Fem gets out her key to unlock the door. “I’m just afraid Jimbo would get to them first and our little company on Earth would become famous for all the wrong reasons…”
>AJ laughs, “That Jimbo sounds like a hoot - mind if Ah write him a note f’r th’ next portal package?”
“I don’t, but be warned - he’s going to ask to see your teats.”
>”Mah teats? Why in th’ world would he wanna see *those* little things?”
>Fem sighs, “It’s Jimbo.  He’s brilliant, and will always be, somewhere deep down inside him, just on this side of puberty.”

>Everyone agrees, again,  that the bed needs to be bigger.
>Everyone also agrees, again,  that the bath needs to be bigger.
>This leads to a drowsy three-way discussion of how many rooms, what size rooms, whether there should be a big yard or a small one, and how many more ‘individual rooms’ there should be beyond the big master suite…
>You realize that, if things keep going like this, you’re going to have two new members of the herd: Scootaloo and Lyra.
>Well, you invited Lyra to come stay with you when the house was built.
>You’re looking into, effectively, adopting Scoots.
>You find you’re absently stroking someone’s hair, or mane, or… eh. You’re absently petting one or both of your ladies.
>It’s a good way to drift off to sleep.

---

>Peanuts!
>Yes, your life involves peanuts.
>Especially now that you’re ‘herded’ up with AppleJack.
>So your life also now involves apples!
>And occasionally other plants!

>The long (for a pony - reasonable for a human) walk / trot out to Sweet Apple Acres is spent discussing Lyra and Scootaloo, of course. And bicycles.
>”Anon, do they have bicycles in Equestria?”
“Good question, Fem. I have no idea. AJ?”
>”Buy-cycle? Why do Ah get th’ feelin’ you’re gonna start inventing things again, hoss?’

>So you and Fem explain what a bicycle is, and talk about baskets and cargo bikes and other neat things you were almost run over by on a regular basis back on Earth.
>You have AJ’s attention when you get to the ‘hauling’ part.
>”And there’s something really sweet about being able to coast down a hill with no brakes -”
“Yeah, right until you fall over, Fem.”
>“Hey, I *know* I have no sense of balance. That’s why I want  a three-wheeler. With gears!”

>”Well, if Scootaloo has her scooter, then a three-wheeled bicycle isn’t entirely out of the question, is it?”
>”Nah… that crazy CherryBerry made a pedal-powered flyin’ machine a while back… probably be able t’ use some a those parts and principles…”
“I didn’t know you were mechanically minded, AJ.”
>”Hoss, everything that happens on a farm happens because SOMEpony pulled or pushed or dug or lifted or levered SOMETHIN’. Us Earth Ponies *have* to be mechanically minded or there ain’t no food!”

---

>Back at Sweet Apple Acres, there’s crops to tend and trees to tend and … a new bed?
>”Well, Clemson, seein’ as how you and yer Herd will be runnin’ this farm when I’m gone -”
>”... already running it,” mutters AJ.
>”Big Macintosh and AppleBloom and Ah decided we should give y’all a proper housewarming present - an’ since your big rangy self has had t’ sleep on the floor every night you stay here…”
>The bed is in AJ’s room and its…
>This is a big bed.
>Back on Earth you’d call it ‘King Size’.
>It takes up *most* of AJ’s room.
>There’s just enough room for a pony to scootch around it to the various pieces of furniture - the night table, the little dresser, and the closet (mostly full AJ’s ‘Manehattan duds’ and a few of Rarity’s dresses).
>Since Granny is going to stand there, wobbling, until you try out the bed, you try out the bed.
>Flomp.
>Wow. Comfy.  You sink in a good three inches.
>FLOMP.
>And Fem on top of you sinks you in another inch-
>FLOMPF
>AJ and Fem on top of you sink -
>*flomp*
>And AppleBloom … still little enough not to cause much sinkage.

>”Shore looks comfy t’ me. Whatcha think, Clemson?”
>You flail a bit under females.
>Said females laugh and play ‘pin the Anon under us’.
>”He sounds happy. Mac, y’ do good work.”
>”Eyup.”

>They leave you three to enjoy the bed.
>Thankfully, there’s some ‘stretching out and sprawling’ along with the usual ‘stacking on Anon’ and ‘random flailing’ to test the capacity of the new sleeping platform.
>”This… this is nice.  Remember how when we had a king bed in that hotel we kept losing each other?”
>You laugh.
“Not my fault you like dwelling on the edge of the bed, woman.”
>”Ah have no idea how Mac got this thing through th’ door. Just movin’ mattress in woulda taken some magi -”
“Well now I’m not sure I wanna stay on this bed anymore.”
>”Hush you. Sprawl. Enjoy! We have all this ro-*oof*!  AJ you’re not as light as you look!”
>”’s all muscle, sugarcube… ‘cept for th’ part that gets spanked sometimes…”
>”Spanked like this?”
>AJ squeaks!
>”... Ah don’t know if Ah’m comfortable doin’ that kinda thing with Granny an family downstairs.”
“So… Fem should stop?”
>”Can we check back when they go off to th’ Apple Festival in Maneasota in a week or two?”
>You laugh, so does Fem.
>”Sure, AJ… this is just… nice... “
>”Ah wonder how nice it’s gonna be with a couple more ponies on it…”

>Peanut planting happens. Watering happens, thanks to a certain technicolor-maned winged smart-ass who can’t seem to stay put long enough to let you finish a sentence.
>”Yeah, every week for a month and a half, then every two weeks. Yadda yadda just like last season, I got it!”
“Oh, and AJ’s going to try some Gravensteins up on NorthEast Plot six. They need a little more water than the ones around them - maybe an additional five or six minutes.”
>”Grav-en-steins? What’re those?”
“Good ones. They make some really tasty cider.”
>”Then I’d better make sure they get that water!”  Dash’s motivations are pretty simple to map, sometimes. “Oh… and, uh…”
>Dash flits down to eye-level with you, which is kind of unusual.
>”Do you… have a minute… to talk?”
“Sure.”
>”Somewhere… a little less out in the open?”
>Can a pony ‘fly worried’? Seems that’s what Dash is doing.
“Sure again… how about over here…”

>”Over here” is a cathedral cluster of trees - a ring of them with an opening in the middle.
>There’s even a convenient stump for you to sit on.
“So… what’s up?”
>Dash ‘treads air’ in front of you and looks like she’s trying to put words together.
>”So, listen, Anonymous… There’s a friend of mine… little pegasus named ‘Scootaloo’? She hangs out with AppleJack’s sister and Rarity’s sister…”
“Yeah, I’ve met her. Sweet kid.”
>”About that… AppleBloom said you were talking about bringing her into  your Herd. Is that right?”
“AppleBloom asked me to think about it, yeah.”
>”..... why?”

>Scootaloo, you recall from a few random bits of talk, idolizes Dash. Ferociously.
>Tread carefully.

“Because…  AppleBloom asked me if we - Fem and AJ and me - might think about adopting Scootaloo into our herd because right now she’s basically being ‘fostered’ down here on the ground and ‘Blooms wants Scoots to have a stable home.”
>Some part of you is impressed that a pegasus can flap so slowly and remain airborne.
>”... so. You’d be adopting her.”
“Yeah.”
>”As in ‘parent’.”
“... yeah.”
>”Not as in ‘filly bride’ like I heard they used to do out in Saddle Arabia or something.”
“Oh hell no!  Fem and AJ think it’d be good for Scoots to have -”
>”Oh I know, I already talked to *them*. I wanted to talk to *you*. I don’t know what  you hyoomin monkeyboys do back on Erf, but “
“But you wanted to make sure I wasn’t a perv.”
>”Let’s just say I’m real glad I don’t have to buck you in the head at ramming speed.”
>You nod.
“That would hurt a lot… you know, if you want, we can have this talk again with AJ present. She tends to encourage trust because - “
>”Element of Honesty, yeah I know.  Kinda lame, but useful. *I*, on the other hand, am the Element of Awesomeness!”  Dash executes a tight little loop. “As is plain to see!”
“I thought you were the Element of Loyalty?”
>”I am. Which is why I wanted to make sure I wasn’t gonna have to get something heavy up in the air to drop on ya, monkeyboy!”


>Dinner at the farmhouse.
>"So, Clemson, y'all lookin' to adopt Scootaloo, then?"
>Does *everybody* know about this plan?
>"Ah... *might've* mentioned that Ah asked y'all about it when we went to th' malt shop earlier this week, Anon. Ah'm sorry, but Ah was so excited an' Ah knew Scootaloo would be so happy t' -"
"And what did Scootaloo say, AppleBloom?"
>AppleBloom rubs an ear, not making eye contact.
>”She… she said she needed t’ talk to y’all b’fore she had an opnion ‘bout it.”

>Well, it’s not like you actually asked her before you started looking into adoption, right?

>”An… she’s… stayin’ in th’ clubhouse this weekend. So…”
“So… can you let her know I’ll come out there in a little bit?”
>”Yeah!”  AppleBloom’s gone so fast her chair doesn’t have a chance to fall over.
“... after dinner … nevermind.”

>This time around, you’re shoo’ed out of the dining room with even more enthusiasm than usual.
>You drag Fem and AppleJack with you, though.
“I may be Alpha or whatever that means, but I’m not doing this by myself.”
>”But as Alpha you *are* the spokesperson… pony… stupid pronoun issues… You speak for the Herd, hon.”
>”Yeah, we’re jus’ along for th’ ride, hoss.”
“No… because if we’re adopting Scootaloo, *we* are adopting Scootaloo. You and you and me.”
>”He has a point, AJ.”
>”Ah know… Ah’m all for it, but Ah was lookin’ forward to seein’ him pull his ‘Ah am in way over mah head send help’ face from a distance…”


>The CMC Clubhouse in looks kinda picturesque up there in the tree with the sun going down behind it.
>Let’s see… how are you supposed to do this again?
“Hello the treehouse?”
>You hear hooves shuffling around.
>”Who goes there?”
“It’s me, Scootaloo. Anon. And AJ and Femanon.”

>Scoots opens the door and comes out onto the little balcony.
>”Heard about what you were wantin’ to do.  With your herd thing.”
>She doesn’t look real happy up there.
“Yeah. And I heard you wanted to talk about it.”
>”Yeah.”

“So… do we come up or you come down or…”
>Scoots pushes that floppy bit of mane out of her eyes and looks down at you, deadpan.
>”AppleBloom and Sweetie Belle have agreed to extended a one-time offer of hospitality *without* the usual qualifying rituals. Come on up.”
>The rope ladder unrolls down to the ground.

>You’re continually surprised at how nimble ponies can be doing things like climbing rope ladders.
>You supposed you’d eventually get used to it.
>In any case, AJ goes up first, then Fem, then you.
>Scoots, wrapped up in her CMC cape, escorts you into the clubhouse proper.
>Low ceilings. Because even for ponies the CMCs are pretty dang little.
>After a little shuffling, you and Fem wind up seated cross-legged.  AppleJack’s hat just brushes the ceiling.
>Scootaloo’s arranged things so she’s between you and the door.
>You realize this means she can run out that door fast if she decides to.

>”So… Mister Anonymous…”
“Call me ‘Anon’, please.”
>”Mister Anonymous…” she’s not buying it, “AppleBloom and Sweetie Belle and, like, a half-dozen fillies at school and Granny Smith and *everypony* around here has been talking about you and AppleJack and Miz Femanon and this Herd thing you’ve got… and that you’re thinking about inviting me into it.”
“Wow. Word does get around fast.”
>”AppleBloom told me it was *her* idea… which I’m still not sure what that means... “
>”Scootaloo, AppleBloom came to us and told us a little about your situation - “
>”I don’t *HAVE* a situation!”
>Well, that was strong.
>”... I stay here when I can and my… Aunt’s cousins on my … mom’s sister’s side… make sure I get something to eat and have a place…”
>When someone says ‘mom’ with a built in lower case letter, that’s kind of telling.
“Scoots -”
>”Scootaloo, Mister Anonymous. Scootaloo, okay?”

“Okay. Scootaloo - It sounds like… your home situation kinda stinks.”
>Scootaloo sits up a little straighter and looks at you.
>Her wings fluff a little.
>”I don’t have a home situation.  I have somepony that’s legally responsible for me and some other ponies off *somewhere* that made me and *left* me here. And I don’t want to talk about them.”
“Ever?”
>”Never ever.”

>Wow. That sounds familiar.
>Real familiar.

“Ever wonder why I’m named ‘Anonymous’, Scootaloo?”
>”... no.”
>Fem reaches over and puts her hand on your knee.
>She knows this story.

“I’m gonna tell you anyway.
“Back on Earth, if someone doesn’t have parents, or if their parents can’t take care of them, there’s this really complicated and stupid system that takes kids and moves them around from one home to another until they’re legally able to take care of themselves.”
>”That sounds familiar…” Scootaloo rolls her eyes.
“And if you just get dropped off at a firehouse or something, you go right into that system. That’s what happened to me.”
>The eye rolling stops. Scootaloo looks at you again.
>”Really?”
“Yeah. Some genius put my name into the system as ‘Anonymous’, and that became my name.
“I bounced around a lot - the name probably didn’t help much.
“Lotta different houses, lot of different schools, with grown-ups ranging from ‘actually caring’ to ‘in it for the stipend check’ taking nominal care of me.
“I used to have a list of two or three places I could probably call if I was having trouble with the foster home I was in at the time and…  well. Mostly it sucked because you have no idea when some suit’s gonna come by and tell you you’re being moved again.”
>”No kidding…” she mutters.

“Yeah. It sucked. A lot. How many times have you been shuffled around?”
>”Three. My parents pushed me off on one of mom’s sisters, and when they moved back to Cloudsdale they shifted me to one of mom’s sister’s cousins, and then … the ponies I’m supposed to be living with now.”
> She shrugs.
>“I don’t like ‘em. They don’t like me. We don’t talk. We get along great.”

“So… AppleBloom found out her sister and Fem and I were forming a Herd and thought… maybe you’d like something more permanent.”

>Scootaloo bristles. There’s not a lot of her to bristle but she does a good job of it.
>”I’m not *marrying* anypony! And definitely not a monkeyboy!”
>Fem laughs in surprise, “Did you get that from Rainbow Dash?”
>Scootaloo halts in mid-indignation, “...  yeah. She calls him that all the time!  She’s awesome,  you know.”
>”Yeah we know - She came by and talked to Anon… and called him that again. to his face!”
>”She’s awesome all right…” Scootaloo sighs, then comes back to ‘indignant filly’ mode. “I’m too young to marry and I’m sure as tartarus not gonna marry *you*!”

“I’m not asking you to marry me like Fem and AJ did.”
>”And I’m too young anyway and I can’t - what?”
“I’m not asking you to join the Herd that way, Scootaloo. I’m asking if you’d like to join the Herd as a family member.”
>“A family member.” Her wings flick.
“Yeah. Permanent address. Place to stay. As long as you want it.”
>Her wings flick again. ”No… gross grown-up stuff?”
“No gross grown-up stuff.”
>Scootaloo points a hoof at AJ and Fem
>”... so AppleJack and Miz Femanon would be my mothers?”
>AJ speaks up, “Ah was thinkin’ more along th’ lines of ‘big sisters’. Scoots. On account of Ah ain’t ready to be a Mom to *anypony*.
>Fem shoots AJ an amused look. “I think ‘big sister’ would work pretty well.”

“I know it’s… kinda weird and you’ve got no real reason to expect this to be different than fostering, but… if you’re willing to give it a shot we can get the paperwork set up.”
>”We’re going to be putting up a house of our own pretty soon in Ponyville,” Fem explains, “So you’d always have a room there. And a room here - Granny and AJ have talked about turning the guest bedroom over to you so, if you want to stay here - “
>Scootaloo folds her wings and tilts her head, looking at AJ.
>”Could I maybe stay with AppleBloom in *her* room?”
>AJ grins, “Ah s’spect she might just be amenable to that proposal.”
>”If I was a part of your Herd… that would make AppleJack my ‘big sister’... and AppleBloom would be -”
>”Yer ‘little sister’. Or maybe jus’ your ‘sister’ as Ah don’t know how old y’ are anyhoo…”


>Scootaloo sits there, wings flicking.  This is apparently a ‘Scoots thinking’ indicator.
>”Can I go talk to AppleBloom about this first?”
“Sure - she’s -”
>If Scootaloo left the clubhouse any faster it would have made a cartoon sound.
>As it is the door slapped the inside of the clubhouse hard enough to shake everything.
>Eventually the treehouse stops shaking and creaking ominously.
“Uh, AJ? How… what’s the weight capacity of this treehouse?”
>”Ah had not thought about that ‘till you asked. What say we all carefully climb down now?”


>Once back on the ground, there’s no sign of Scootaloo.
>Nor of her scooter.
>Walking back to the farmhouse, you absently wonder which came first, the scooter or the name.
>”Ah think that went pretty well, hoss.”
>”Yeah, Anon… now it’s just a matter of what Scootaloo decides…”
>”Ah didn’t know you were a fosterling, tho.”

>You shrug.
“The older I get, the less likely it is to come up. Fem knew about it after the first time I proposed to her -”
>”Th’ *first*?”
“Yeah. I proposed to her about six, seven times.  Finally she accepted.”
>”That’s because you finally got a ring, hon.”
“That too.   But it’s not something that comes up in conversation.”
>”Ah think that havin’ that bit a common ground might help, though. Scotts doesn’t like to talk about her life all that much - prolly how she got th’ CMCs goin’ in th’ first place.”
>”The Cutie Mark Crusaders was *her* idea?”
>”That’s how AppleBloom tells it…”
“Didn’t know that…”
>”You *were* kind of pre-occupied for the last year or so, hon... “
>This is true.

>The three of you get back to the farmhouse.
>Scootaloo and AppleBloom are sitting on the front porch.
>Along with Big Macintosh.
>Somehow they’ve draped a cape over Big Mac and it looks hilarious.
>But from the looks on the little filly’s faces, this is not a time to point and laugh.

>”Mister Anonymous?” Scootaloo, still being very formal.
“Yes?”
>”Were you serious about you and Miz Femanon and AppleJack adopting me?”
“We are, yeah.”
>”You know darn well folks can’t lie that well ‘round me, Scoots.”
>Scootaloo nods, “Sure, but… are hyoomins affected the same way?”
>”So far Ah ain’t found cause to believe otherwise. Also, hoss here ain’t that good at lyin’ at all.”
>”It’s true, he’s awful at it,” Fem agrees.
>Gee thanks, Fem.

>”And you two are with him on this whole ‘adopting’ thing?”
>”We are, Scootaloo.”
>”Yep. Sure are!”

>”...even though I’m a … broken … pegasus with stupid little stubby wings?”
>She’s putting on a tough front, but she’s also beginning to tear up.
>Something tells you she heard *that* phrase, “broken”,  more than a few times.

“Scootaloo, we want to adopt you because you’re *you*.  You’re AppleBloom’s best friend, you and Sweetie Bell…”
>”And because Anon knows what it’s like to be in your situation -”
>”An’ because mah little sister worries ‘bout you an’ wants you t’ be happy -”

>You take a knee on the step, getting down to eye level with Scoots, who’s up on the porch.”
“I think the *real* question here is, do *you* think you can deal with a weird family like ours? Scootaloo, would you like to be part of our Herd?”

>She looks over at AppleBloom, who’s all big eyes and a little hopeful smile.
>Scootaloo looks back to you.
>”You promise?  Forever? No sending me back?”
“Kid… I Pinky Promise.”
>Scootaloo whistles. “That’s a very serious promise.”
“I’m a very serious hyoomin.”
>”I don’t think I believe you’re serious all the time.”
“I’m serious about this.”
>”AppleJack?”
>”He’s serious, Scoots.  Ah have a way of tellin’, y’know.”

>Scootaloo takes a couple steps closer to you, getting nose to nose.
>’You mean it?”
“We mean it.”
>”What do I have to do?”
“Well, you have to say ‘yes’, and then let the adults do all the boring stuff.”
>”And no icky grown-up stuff, right?”
“No icky grown-up stuff.”
>”That’s good because... “ Scootaloo looks around, then leans in to whisper, “I don’t think I’m ready for icky grown-up stuff.”
>You nod.
“And you’ll have three grown-ups to back you up on that.”
>”Four.”
“Four?”
>”Yeah, we drafted Big Macintosh as our CMC Enforcer.”  Scottaloo flicks a wing toward the uncomfortable-looking Big Mac. “In case someone needed thumping. Can’t be too careful.”
>Big Mac gives you a look that needs no words. Well, maybe one word. Possibly that word is ‘help’.

“Pretty sure we don’t need to worry about that here. So. Would you like to join our Herd?”

>Scootaloo holds up one hoof.
>You gently fist-bump it.
>”Yeah. I’d like that, Anonymous.”
“I think you can call me ‘Anon’ then, Scootaloo.”
>She grins. “Okay, Anon.”
>Scootaloo is immediately tacklehugged by AppleBloom, “AH GOT ANOTHER SISTER! YEEE HAW!”
>”Ow! Hey! Yeah! Woo!”
>The two fillies go rampaging into the house to share the news with Granny.

>”Psst.”
“Hey Mac.”
>”Want us t’ get that cape thing off’n yer neck, big brother?”
>”Eeeeeyup.”

---

>Later that night.
>In AJ’s room. AKA “The room with the ENORMOUS bed how in tarnation are we gonna ever get it outta here?”
>Plenty of room.
>Everyone spreads out.
>And gradually everyone gravitates toward the middle of the bed.
>And onto and / or over you.
>Anonymous: Wife pillow.

>There’s a tap at the door.
“Mnph?”
>”Prolly AppleBloom - c’mon in, little sister…”
>Turns out it’s AppleBloom *and* Scootaloo.
>”Uh… AppleBloom said sometimes she sleeps with you three when she’s feeling scared or had a bad dream and… I’m scared that this is a dream and I’m gonna wake up in the treehouse and none of this happened… so… uh?”
>Fem pats some unoccupied bed real estate beside her. “C’mon.  It’s real.”

>Scootaloo and AppleBloom climb up on the bed.
>The bed doesn’t get all that smaller in the process.

>”Oh… *wow*... this bed is *huge*...”
>”Yep. Mah little si - heck, *your* little sister an’ big brother an Granny Smith put this all together in here for us.”
>”My little.. yeah.” Scootaloo giggles, “ You’re stuck with me now, Bloomers.”

>Somebody goes >snrk<.
>Maybe you.

>”Ah tol’ ya not to call me that in fronta grownups!”
>”It’s ok if it’s family, isn’t it?”
>”... Ah guess so… but AppleJack, please don’t call me ‘Bloomers’ in fronta Granny. She’ll *never* stop talkin’ ‘bout it...’
>”Sure thing… Bloomers..”
>”Ah will crawl over there an’ kick you inna flank!”

>Some petting might be called for if anyone’s going to get any sleep tonight.
>”An’ then Ah’m gonna… oh… that feels nice… fingers are *useful*...”
>”Miz Fem, what’s Anon doing over there?”
>”He’s petting AppleBloom’s mane.”
>”Oh.” The small bundle of filly shifts on the bed while you’re petting her friend. “Is that something family does?”
>”Sometimes, if it’s wanted.”
>”um… could you maybe… do that, Miz Fem?”
>”Sure, honey.”
>”... that *does* feel nice… I’m not crowding you, am I?”
>”Nope. You’re fine, Scootaloo.”
>”M’kay… s’nice bed… big… too…”

>Fem nuzzles your neck. “Got a family, don’t we?”
“Yeah.”
>”How’s it feel?”
“... nice.”
>”It better feel nice, hoss.”
“Love you too, AJ.”
>Two little voices echo that sentiment as they, and you, drift off to sleep.


---

>The next morning, you wake up, you guessed it, under a lot of females.
>Another typical morning in the Anon Herd, apparently.
>After the usual ‘scuse me pardon me’ extraction and a quick stagger to the bathroom, you return to find everyone curled up on the bed in various modes of snugglage.
>Scoots is curled up on Fem’s chest, and Fem’s petting her gently.
>You decide it’s Fem’s turn to be in the middle and slide in next to her.
>Fem makes little sleepy Fem sounds and shifts, just a bit. You hear AJ do the same, and you get a wing in the face as Scoots tries to keep her position stable.
>Pegasus wings - small, feathery, and pack a punch.
>Eh. One of the prices of -

>You were about to think ‘fatherhood’, weren’t you?
>Surprised?
>You’re going to adopt a little pegasus filly and  you have two spouses now - and a unicorn moving in once you get that house buil-

>Oh geez, the house.
>Any chance you had of getting back to sleep: shot.
>Maybe you’ll just lie here and fret over things.
>Yeah! You haven’t done that since Fem came through the spinny glowy thing.
>Mostly because all you fretted about before that happened was getting back to Fem.
>Scootaloo stretches, rolls onto her back, and sprawls across you *and* Fem.
>Memo to self: horses with wings can really sprawl. Even little wings like Scoot’s.
>You absently pet one.
>Feathery.
>Scoots makes a little noise and squirms, thwapping your leg with her tail.
>Well maybe you can nap. A little.
.

---

>Scoots agrees to stay at the farm with AppleBloom while things get sorted out.
>”I know when *they* won’t be home, so I can get my stuff together to bring here then…”
“You’ll have to come into town when we get the paperwork done -”
>”Yeah, I know. That’ll be okay..” She waves you down to her level with a stubby wing.
>”Hey, Anon?”
“Yeah?”
>”Thanks for being real when I woke up this morning.”
>Wing hugs from Scootaloo aren’t as overwhelming as, say, getting flapped by Twilight, but they last a lot longer.

---

>Back in Ponyville
>AJ’s staying at the farm for a few days as the whole ‘new bunch of apple trees’ thing has her riding, uh, herd over that process.
>This involves occasionally yelling at Rainbow Dash to ‘Put th’ rain over THERE danigt!’

>You and Fem tackle two piles of paperwork: Adoption into the Herd and Land Purchase, Ownership and Building Permits.
>You’re really not sure which pile is scarier.

>Three attempts to visit Scoot’s current foster family have come up empty.
>It’s like they’re not ever at home.
>And you can’t exactly lurk around the house unobtrusively. Everyone in Ponyville knows you and Fem on sight.
>”Whatcha’ doin’, hyoomin?”
>Like this one here. Pink looking filly with wavy blond hair.
“Waiting. Do you know who lives here?”
>”Eh. Couplea out-a-towners. I think they bought the place to stay here for the summer a couple years ago, then head back t’ wherever they came from.  Hadda filly, too. Cute one. Tools around on a little cart or somethin’.”
“Yeah, that’s Scootaloo.”
>”Th’ name fits. Yeah, that’s a scooter she’s always on.. Last I saw her, she was headed outta town with a little bindle of stuff and th’ other two  left a couple days later.”
“Left? As in ‘left’ left?”
>”I dunno if there’s any other way to leave, hyoomin… a cart came and they loaded it up and … gone.  Hadd change my whole route ta get my cart through town around their loading zone … twice.”
>You realize that yes, this pony has a cart hooked to her. Empty.
“Huh.  So… what do you haul, if you don’t mind my asking?”

>She shrugs, “Whatever. Sometimes garbage, sometimes stuff for that loony quills and sofas colt… funny thing is, when ya got a cart, *some*pony’s always needing something hauled.  Figured I’d just get ‘em t’ pay me for it after a while.”
“Indeed.”
>That’s a really good word for “I have nothing to say to that but want to appear sociable.”
>”Speaking of which - I hear you might be interested in Carrot Top’s land up North a bit. When  ya move, look me up. Reasonable rates even f’r outsized monkeyboys.  Name’s CherryBerry.”
“I’ll do that, thanks.”

>You head off to Town Hall because somepony’s going to know more about this.

---

>Back home, whenever you went to a civic building to get some paperwork handled, there were always these weird ‘common feeder’ lines like at the bank.
>In the land of short, colorful, talking horses, those lines are railed off.
>While you could easily step over these ornate yet annoying barriers, you wait your turn like a good, uh, resident alien.
>Yeah, that’s what it says on your ID.