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          o

            My dad would punish me with psychological torture. Drove me nuts Heres an example:

            >As a kid
            >Tell dad to fuck off because im playing super nintendo
            >Dad displeased at my french begins to formulate his plot

            >Wake up the next morning
            >A small beanie-baby frog is on my pillow
            >Scares the crap out of me
            >Shrug it off
            >Go to eat breakfast
            >Pour cereal
            >Small beanie-baby frog comes out the box
            >What the fuck
            >Go to school
            >Backpack feels heavier than usual
            >Check middle pocket
            >Filled with, like, ten frogs
            >Am thoroughly scared now
            >Look out window to daydream as I often do
            >Beanie baby frog on outside window sill
            >Freak out in class
            >Sent out in hall
            >Get home
            >Pitch black because lights off and drapes pulled
            >Turn on light
            >ENTIRE FUCKING KITCHEN FILLED WITH BEANIE BABY FROGS WHAT THE FUCK
            >Scream
            >Heavy knocks on door
            >Turn around
            >Man in frog suit pressing his face against the door
            >Scream
            >Run up to room
            >Lock the door
            >A single frog in the middle of the floor on top of a piece of paper
            >Lift up frog
            >Take note
            >Read note
            >"Open the door son"
            >Scared, open door for frogman
            >Frogman, silently,slowly walks to me
            >"I know it's you, dad" I say
            >He says in a voice nothing like my father's: "It is not, Shawn"
            >I scream
            >He takes mask off
            >It's my uncle
            >My dad comes into the house laughing like an idiot
            >I pissed myself
            >Dad laughs and says. "We don't say fuck in this house, boy. Now who's up for McDonald's?"

            Seriously Dad where did you get all those fucking beanie babies from?


            There was another time when, while I was sleeping. he drove me about five miles away to where a Russian-American family he knew lived. The Russian man and woman treated me like I had lived there my whole life. I was there for twelve hours before my father came to pick me up.



            >Dad catches me looking at forbidden websites (read: porn [This was when I was younger])

            >I know he's going to pull something crazy because I had wisened up a bit

            >He just grounds me from the computer for four days

            >OK dad

            >Four days later, turn on computer

            >Every single image (desktop, everything's icon, the mouse cursor) was replaced by a weird-looking triceratops
            >picture he made himself

            >Computer is rigged so that dinosaur roars come out of it 24/7

            >He superglued a toy Triceratops to the top of my monitor

            >It was like this for two weeks before he took it off.

            >He still has and uses that computer monitor, triceratops and all.



            >Come home from school

            >Dad's over at a Bend's house

            >Decide to eat ice-cream

            >He comes home when I'm in the middle of my third bowl

            >He is disappoint when I can't eat my dinner

            >The next day

            >I come home

            >He is standing there in the kitchen with a stem looker his eye with the Russian man from earlier story

            >Dad tells me to sit down

            >I sit

            >He reaches into the fridge and pulls out a container of Moose Tracks ice-cream, my favoritest ice-cream ever

            >He pulls out two spoons

            >He gives me half a spoonful

            >After giving me a taunting taste he and Mr Russia proceed to eat the entire bucket of ice-cream in front of me, >savoring every bite and slaking "MMMMMMM" and "00UUAA5HHH SOO GOOODDDIT sounds

            >I try to get up out of my chair my dad would tell me to sit back down

            >I tried to close my eyes or look away my dad would stick his fingers in my sides which I fucking hated

            >They force me to watch him and Mr. Russia eat an entire bucket of my favorite ice-cream

            > After finishing the dessert he gives Mr Russia a friendly beer and sends him on his way. and then asks what I want for dinner



            >Make 'That's What She Said!" joke to my dad 'He is disgusted by that form of humor

            >Two days pass 'Find my closet empty but for one shirt

            >A Turtleneck sweater 'He got one of his tech buddies to rig a small microphone opts that records my voice and after one second of me talking, it emits a 'That's What She Said!"

            >Have to wear it for a day to school

            >I couldn't tell whether to be angry at or impressed by my dad



            >I remember one

            >Get in trouble at school for putting gum underneath a desk

            >I just know my dad is going to pull some crazy shit ,Two weeks pass from the incident

            >Wake up one morning

            >A single wad of putty stuck on the ceiling ,it begins.jpg

            >Every night another wad of putty is stuck on the ceiling

            >This continues for one week

            >Dawn of the Eighth Day, There is a full circle of about fifteen wads on the ceiling ,What the fuck

            >Dawn of the Ninth Day. Smaller putties spell out "UNDER BED"

            >Oh god I know it's you dad. I'm not scared. I'm not scared

            >Look under bed

            >A tiny whole man made out of putty ,Dawn of the Tenth Day. Smaller putties spell out "IN DRAWER"

            >Scared look in drawer ,Another tiny little man made out of putty

            >Dawn of the Eleventh Day: Putties form an arrow pointing to the window

            >Look out window

            >Since it was a school day it was about 5:30 in the morning and very dark

            >I can't see shit captain

            >Flashlight comes on REVEALING A GIANT MAN MADE OF PUTTY OH GOD FREAKY AS FUCK MASK OH GOD

            >scream like a little girl

            >Dad runs in, 'What, What?"

            >MAN MADE OF PUTTY, DAD., wait, Dad? That isn't you? ,Dad tells me to stay the fuck inside

            >He runs outside

            >He and the Putty Man beat the shit out of each other

            >Fight travels to neighbor's yard behind hedge ,Dad comes out of hedge ,Dad gestures for me to come out of the house

            >I walk over to dead putty man ,Dad prepares to take off mask

            >NOBODY UNDER MASK

            >Russian Man steps out of nearby bushes holding a portable radio playing the Twilight Zone theme

            >Dad tells me not to chew gum in school

            >We walk back home and they tell me about how hard they worked on this one

            I think that this one wins. Can't believe I forgot it