Post 283

Come to think of it, what was i really retaliating against? Everyone was so certain that everything they said to me was for my own good. And since i really didn't know who was there for me, and who to trust, was i even in any position to turn people down? Everyone had their idea of how I should play along and take part in their lives, and I wanted to instead be myself. But I don't even know what was there, if there was any of myself that I even had. I knew everything that I lacked and what my flaws were, but even now I don't even know if i've even become myself.

Well this is humiliating.

It's not very easy to admit that i'm actually really pushing my exposure by being so available here on my blog and social media. I always said that no one would bother, and yet I keep tweeting and taking snapchat stories. I really did actually think that someone could actually want to read a blog post from me, or view my stories. Even when clearly, no one was asking for it. I was the one asking for the attention and at the same time telling people to leave me alone and stop judging me. The truth that i never confronted was that there isn't any aspect of my life that anyone would actually be exclusive to. It's just all on the table, right here. There's no one for me to reject. Because i'm on the wrong end of that.

I didn't take it seriously when I used to have my boss asking me to smile more. I really didn't realise I was telling people with my face that i hate them and everything. And i never bothered to stop and question if that really was the case.

It's been years. More than a decade. I still struggle with the exact same things i did when i first started blogging here.

All those years, all the reasons to change, everything that happened that showed me I was wrong. I don't know why i'm so scared and want to stay the way I am.