I told you it was going to be hard. I have warned you many many times that I'm not one of those girls who lead a perfect life and will do anything for their man at a drop of a hat. I'm not like that. I'm not that girl who will trust easy and be vulnerable with a snap of a finger. That's not me and if you are expecting that or more then this is simply just not going to work out. Honestly if you have any problems with me then you need to speak now or forever hold your piece. Like I have always said, if there is a problem that you have, Don't expect me to know what that is unless you tell me. I can't fix anything or change anything without knowing what that problem is. I'm not chasing people, I'm not going to be easy, I'm not letting anyone go past my one barrier that makes me feel vulnerable until I know I made the right decision. Maybe I jumped into this too fast. Maybe we are taking things too fast. No one knows what they are getting into when they start a relationship with someone that has been abused for so long. No one knows. And I will repeat that until the day I die. Each person is different and each person handles it different. Some people can get over it faster than others, some people may take years. It's hard, difficult, time consuming and more than one girl could ever handle. You have to take extra time and care. Extra effort, a lot of reassurance. That's why many relationships with a "victim" don't last a long time because after a couple months the other side can't take it or it didn't live up to their expectations. We don't change because you want us to. I've been to a couple support groups. I've talked to therapists, nothing truly helps, except yourself. It's me that's gotta get past it. Do these groups help? I guess? All it really does is show me that I'm not alone. I try to be a good person, a friend, confidante, to support those who need a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. Beyond that though no one gives me a second look. I know with all the excess emotional baggage I have it is probably more work than it's worth to invest anytime in me. I help people because I never ever want to see anyone walk through that deep place that I have been to more than 3 times. It's hard when I think people that are my friends turn They come to me for stuff, advice, for me to help out with this and that, but when I need something or ask for help, I get turned down or no reply. Yet here I am, helping these people nearly everyday. Shit like that just sends me in deeper because I feel like I'm just being used and no one really cares. If it's becoming too intense for you, I need to know. I need to know what you are thinking because I will fear the worst. Don't hide this kind of shit from me. I don't need that my life. If

I, legitimately, walk the planet on a daily basis knowing that there is someone out there that wants to physically harm me. I live knowing that, at any minute, he can return. I have deep internal wounds that are gonna take a while to heal. I tried for so long to create a mold from my abuser that I lost my sense of self deep inside me somewhere.

What happened? Why haven't I wanted to tell anyone? Because it is downright embarrassing. That and sometimes I simply can't talk about things because I don't want to take myself back to that. I didn't appreciate you acting so mean to me about why I didn't want to tell you or why I didn't want to talk. You didn't have to act that way and you should have understood that's its okay sometimes if I can't talk about the abuse. You need to read more about dating someone who has been abused. I'm not going to give you the play by play of what happened that day but I can tell you why I'm in the hospital. To sum it up in one simple line, it looks like I just lost a fight with an MMA star. 2 black eyes, a broke nose, fat lip, 12 stitches on my jaw bone, a busted ear drum, broke finger, 3 fractured ribs, a punctured lung, 4 bruises on the inside of my thighs, 3 tear of my vagina, a ruptured appendix in which I had to have emergency surgery to take it out, a concussion, and strangulation marks. With that being said, I'm only telling people that I am sick. They don't need anymore unless they come up to me and ask. You get it now? You understand why I haven't been in the mood to talk? Think twice before you jump to conclusions or try to be so pushy about knowing. There are things in my past that hurt me tremendously, and when I'm ready to let you in and tell you, I will. Pressuring me to open up about what happened before I'm ready will only hurt me more.