1. A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed.  In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.  He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.  So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.  When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.  Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there.  So he went to the maid's room.  When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.  Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud,  "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

2. A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.  The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

3. Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye.  His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault.  We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.  I reached over and pulled it out.  That's when she hit me!"  "Johnny," the father said.  "You don't do those kind of things to women."  Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.  Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"  "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault.  There we were in church saying our prayers.  We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.  Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.  Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

4. A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again and that husband failed in bed. Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed." The next day, the doorbell rings.  There is a man with no arms and no legs. "Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says. "Tell me a little about you." "Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies. "How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks. He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

5. A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.  “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals.  We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.  You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.  We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?” Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!”  General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds” Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!” General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds” Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!” General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: “What!  Son, where is your left pinky?” Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

6. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

7. An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.  He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.  His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.  He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."  The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"  At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.  A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

8. Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

9. So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

10. Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.  "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.  "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question.  "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"  And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.  This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

11. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.  At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, “Take only one. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  One child whispered to another, “Take all you want.  God is watching the apples.”

12. Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."  Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

13. Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.  Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

14. Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"  "Yes," replies the little girl.  "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.  The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"  The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"  "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

15. Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.  Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.  "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.  If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."  The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."  With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.  The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.  "Then, go to Hell!"  With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.  The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"  With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.  The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"  The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."  The Devil did just that.  The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.  Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"  The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."  And the idiot went to heaven.

16. A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone." Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women. But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked.  Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman.  his friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran. Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added, "and it must be true, because when i saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers

17. There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.  He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.  So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.  He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.  He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.  He explained his situation, the old man. “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped. “Except what?” asked the businessman. “Nothing, nothing,” said the old man. “C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman. “Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick,’” the old man said. “So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” the businessman asked.  The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols.  He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.  The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!” The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.” The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.  The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.  Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dick, get back in your box!” The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, “I’ll take it!” The old man resisted and said it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.  The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dick, my pussy.” He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.  After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.  She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!”  The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping.  It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.  She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.  Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.  So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.  She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.   On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.  He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.  Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!”

18.While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.  His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.  "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.  She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

19. A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

20. The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'  The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'  Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

21. One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."  The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.  The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.

22. A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...  Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?  Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.  Older Woman: Oh, I see.  Officer : Can I see your license please?  Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.  Officer : Don't have one?  Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.  Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.  Older Woman: I can't do that.  Officer : Why not?  Older Woman: I stole this car.  Officer : Stole it?  Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.  Officer : You what?  Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.  The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.  Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.  Older woman: Is there a problem sir?  Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.  Older Woman: Murdered the owner?  Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.  The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.  Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?  Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.  Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.  The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.  The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.  Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.  Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

23. Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.  In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.  As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".  Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!  Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"  He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

24. This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.  All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off.  The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her.  He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - that's why I am here!"

25. A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.  He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

26. An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

27. One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.  His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.  It only costs $10."  Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.  Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.  The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.  After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:  You have tennis elbow.  Soak your arm in warm water.  Avoid heavy lifting.  It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.  He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.  To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.  He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.  The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.  Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.  They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.  And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.  His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.  It only costs $10."  Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.  Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.  The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.  After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:  You have tennis elbow.  Soak your arm in warm water.  Avoid heavy lifting.  It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.  He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.  To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.  He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.  The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.  Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.  They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.  And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

28. A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.  I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.  Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."  So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?  She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

29. A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.  The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?  The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.  He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.  " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.  The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."  This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.  The lawyer asks the first question.  "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"  The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.  "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."  She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"  The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.  He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.  After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.  The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.  The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"  Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.  And you thought blondes were dumb.

30. One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.  The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?”  The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”