December in southern Japan proves to be cold and wet. It doesn't snow, we're too close to the ocean and the tropic lines for that. Rather, it rains. And rains. And rains. When it doesn't rain, the sky is overcast with angry, gray clouds. I can't remember the last time I saw the sun. Weeks? Months, maybe? It might be months.
It's kept me inside, focusing on my studies. Which is good, because exams will be creeping around the corner pretty soon. I have to do well. I'm a law student. It's expected of me. I need to make it through this, to be strong and show that I belong here. The stress is hard, but I can push through it.
It would be so much easier with him here.
It's been nine months and eleven days since I last saw him. We're still together, somehow. Pre-law has been so relentless with its onslaught of work that I haven't been able to visit him. And chemistry is doing the same to him. He's been complaining about all the work in his labs, but he enjoys it. Or, at least, I assume so. He hasn't gone completely insane yet, so I imagine he has to.
Our conversation has been restricted to e-mails and texting. About two months into the absence, I started resenting my deafness. Part of me wanted to be able to hear his voice. I bet its calming, soothing. He hummed into my neck once when we made love, just so I could feel it. Deep, groaning. That might have just been the sex, though.
Still... I miss him. More than I thought I would. I wish he could come lay down with me in my bed, let me curl up to him and just sleep with his arm around me. That's all I need, just some contact. Just some comfort.
I reach into the compact refrigerator sitting next to my desk and pull out a stick of string cheese. I don't think I've left my room, recently. Too much depression for anything but class and homework. My daily routine consists of waking up, going to class, doing my homework, and then reading until I fall asleep. There are weekly sign language club meetings to mix things up, but I've mostly been silent in those, too.
Some might say that I'm moping. That I'm hopelessly holding onto something, to someone that won't come back. That I'm clingy, that I refuse to let go of a boy that might not even be mine anymore. Maybe he isn't. Maybe he's seeing some other girl behind my back, tossing me aside without even having the decency to tell me. I don't know. I won't know until proven otherwise.
But I don't believe it.
He resisted once. He can resist a little longer.
We've made plans for the summer already. We'll be going to my family's summer house for a week or so. The three of us, like old friends should. Hideaki and Dad will be coming along, but I can live with it if I get to see Hisao and Misha again.
I stare out the window, nibbling on bits of mozzarella. The raindrops fall one by one, streaking down the window pane. I've started playing a game with them, watching to see which drops can reach the bottom first. I place bets, pretend like it's a derby of sorts, complete with odds and payoffs for each water droplet. It distracts me often enough when I need it to.
I wish it would stop raining. I think it might actually improve my mood.
My eyes turn back to this damned homework. The words flow together, meshing from individual kanji into one big, unreadable mess. Pain shoots through my head. I rub my temples with my fingers, massaging away the sharp jolts. Or at least trying to.
I really need a break.
I stand up and head to the small wardrobe that came with my dorm room, swinging the doors open and pulling out my raincoat. I haven't changed out of my school clothes for the day - a pair of dark pants and a matching red top - so I just need my rainboots and umbrella. The plain black boots are easy to slip on, and I throw the raincoat over my shoulders, taking my umbrella in hand and walking out of the entrance to my room.
One or two girls pass by me in the hall. The way they look at me is strange. Surprised, almost. I don't blame them, I am not often seen outside of the classroom or club meetings.
No one else bothers me. I check one of the mirrors in the foyer and see why: my eyes are baggy, tired. My hair is disheveled, thrown into a chaotic frenzy across my forehead. I'm a complete wreck, both emotionally and physically. Have I really gone outside looking like this on a daily basis? Surely not. It would be unacceptable. I'm better than that.
But reflections don't lie. At least not now.
I turn from the mirror and step out the front door, extending my umbrella overhead. The rain has lightened a little since I left my room. I've never been the superstitious type, but maybe it's a sign. Maybe things will turn around soon. They damn well better.
Come on, Shizune. Get out there. Just take a walk, it will help calm your nerves. What would Misha say if she saw you right now? “Shicchan, you look awful! C'mon, let's go shopping, that'll cheer you up~!”
What about Hisao? Would he even look at me, with the turmoil painted on my face? I hope so. I love that boy something fierce. I don't know what I'd do if he couldn't even look at me.
I take the first step, my boot splashing into a puddle just off the steps. Water fires upward, barely grazing my pant leg. I'm glad it's the end of the day. Campus is mostly barren, devoid of anyone to pester me. I just need some alone time. Some time to think and figure out what's going through my head right now.
Vibrations ripple through the handle of my umbrella, the falling raindrops pitter-pattering against the overhead canvas. Hisao described the sound of it to me one time. That it was like a constant tapping, but not like a teacher's fingers against his desk. Rather, it was relaxing. Calming. Somewhat loud, yet entirely peaceful. It seems so abstract, so foreign. But their effects flowing into my fingertips give me some idea.
He was right; we should have taken more walks in the rain. It was one of his weird fantasies that I never saw fit to indulge. I mean, how cliche is that, a couple kissing in the rain? I was silly, looking back. It would've made him happy if I went with him, even only once. One of those regrets that I still have. There were so many things that I could have done better during our time together at Yamaku.
I should have told him about Misha, before that nonsense went down. She later told me what happened that afternoon in his room, how she went after him, and he pushed her away. Whether out of faithfulness or just some solid sense of morality, he managed to resist her. I'm glad he did. I can't imagine what would have happened if he went through with it.
Sometimes I think maybe he shouldn't have come to my house for the summer. How much would be different if he hadn't? Would Misha have fallen into that total depression like she did? There were a few times I was glad he was there. Fishing with the Satous. The two of us alone in the guest room. But it was so hard to manage him and Misha at once, to find a balance of time equally spent with them both. I often wondered if it was worth it.
There were those times when he and I talked alone that made it feel like it was. I always longed for those moments, when we could banter back and forth, when he went along with my games. He could talk to me. One of the few who could. That alone made it all worthwhile. We had struggles like any couple does. We disagreed at times, but we always came to terms with our differences. He was always so forgiving, so caring and honest.
He once told me that he loved me, right before graduation. I didn't say it back. That's my biggest regret, even now.
Yet, despite all of the shit that I put him through, he stayed with me. Why? Does he think me some kind of goddess? Someone incapable of faults? Surely not. He's smarter than that. He can see right through me, I know it. He can see me for the imperfect human being that I am, coupled with her own problems and misguided ways of trying to fix them.
This relationship did a lot for me, even if he doesn't realize it. He's been perfection on legs. Clueless at times, but always well-meaning. I don't know what I would do without him.
And that's what scares me the most. I've never been so dependent on someone. I've never trusted someone with everything that I am. He seemingly does, and so effortlessly. Why? Why is it so easy for him? Why can't I trust people as easily as he does? I have him and Misha. And neither are here right now, when I need them most.
I feel like I've failed them, in some regard. I lusted for power in high school; I chased down that presidency and won it fair and square. But I isolated the rest of the council at the same time. It was only Misha and me for a while. Hisao came along, but it was still only three people doing a job meant for ten or twelve. I worked them to the bone, but they stuck by me.
There's that notion again: faithfulness. They were true friends. I should have done more for them. Should have shown more appreciation than I did. We had one of the most successful festivals that last year, and it was all on the backs of three people. Tanabata, too.
Ah, Tanabata. My fondest memory. It was when Hisao and I finally came together, when we had our moment under the stars. Still one of the most magical nights of my life. I wasn't sure at first. No one had ever asked me to be their girlfriend before. Well, not a guy, at least. But I knew that I wanted him in my life, in some way, and I was willing to try my hand at it.
And then there was that memento. The gift he gave me: the stuffed cat doll. I still have it. It's sitting on my bed in my dorm room. Once or twice, I've missed him so badly that I start shaking. The doll's brought me through those. It still carries his scent. That's enough to get me by, when I'm at my worst.
I feel a buzzing in my pocket. I reach inside, pulling out my phone. The screen blares that I have a new message. I flip it open to investigate.
It's from Hisao. “Hey there. =] How's your day?”
I want to tell him the truth. That I miss him more than he can imagine. That I need him right now. But I don't want him to worry. He doesn't need to worry about me. He has his own problems to deal with, his own challenges to tackle.
“Okay. Just finishing up some homework. How about you?”
It's not a complete lie. I will be here after I make another round through campus. I've managed to work my way from the southern end of campus to the dead center. Now is as good of a place to turn around as any.
My pocket buzzes again. “Walking around campus. Just thought of you and wanted to say hi. I won't bother you, if you're busy.”
“No, it's fine. I like talking to you.”
The rain starts to slow more. Is it finally going to let up? Threads of sunlight start peering through the clouds, as if by magic. It's so good to see the sun again, if only briefly. Quickly obstructed by the gray clouds, the light fades and gives way to more rain. A girl can dream, I suppose.
Bzzzzz. “Good to know I'm still entertaining.”
Dead end to the conversation. But he'll expect something back. Either I'll start up a new topic or he will. I can take the initiative. I type out my response, standing on the sidewalk and reading it over and over again. Do I want to say this? I feel like I have to, like it's some confession that needs to be made. Yet it's so simplistic, something that should be so easily fulfilled. And doesn't he know it already?
I wait at least a minute before I hit send. “I miss you.”
I lean up against one of the buildings, standing beneath an awning and retracting my umbrella. If these past few months have taught me anything, it's just how dependent I am on him. I hate to admit that, but it's the truth. I need this boy... this man in my life. I refuse to lose him, as long as he'll let me stay.
The screen of my phone lights up as I twirl it between my fingers. “I miss you, too.”
I flip the hinge open. “Can we do something about it? Meet up somewhere or something? I know you're hours away, but... I need to see you. Sooner rather than later.” It snaps shut and goes back to being twirled in my fingers. My eyes stay fixed on the concrete. Just something blank to look at. One of those times where you just stare into nothing and let the thoughts roll off your mental tongue. Good for the soul. Good for the heart.
There's that buzzing again.
“Yeah. Look up.”
It's not that simple, Hisao. It can't be that easy. I'm not just going to turn my head to the sky and see you descending down from the heavens with the trump of the archangel. You're hundreds of kilometers away. And it kills me inside, sometimes, just thinking about that.
Unless...
In front of the steps to the building stands a tall, slender figure beneath a dark red umbrella. He's dressed in khaki slacks, a black button-down only fastened halfway up his chest, and a white undershirt. His eyes are brown, his smile is sincere, and there's a mop of messy, light brown hair on his head.
No...
I don't bother getting out my own cover. His is big enough for two, and I wouldn't care if it wasn't. I'm too excited. Too filled with joy at seeing him again. I rush into him, my arms wrapping tightly around his waist. I press my head against his chest, feeling the irregular beats of his heart against my skull. He drops the umbrella, and both of his hands come to rest at the base of my neck. His lips meet the top of my head over and over as the downpour continues on top of us.
If it weren't still raining, I think I might be crying. I think I might be anyways. I'm just glad he can't see, either way.
My hands drift up his torso, lingering on his jawline. I pull him into a long, tender kiss, running my fingers through his hair. Just further proof that he's really here. The rain keeps falling, and the world keeps turning. But, right now, time stands still. It's all I wanted. It's all I needed.
He parts from me, but I don't want to. My face feels hot, and I want to just keep him here, locked in my embrace. “[You look terrible,]” he signs. “[Exhausted, even.]”
I feel out my face. The bags are still there, but the rain has matted my hair down. I was able to catch a break in that, at least. “[Well, it's been a long time without you,]” I finally reply. “[No reason to dress up, you know?]”
He puts his hands on my shoulders, tracing them along my collar, up my neck and across my cheeks. I shudder at his touch. His skin is ice cold from the rain and wind, but that's not why it makes me shiver. I close my eyes, reveling in his presence. His lips graze against mine again, soft and brief. Why does he have to tease me, here in my moment of complete weakness?
“[And yet still so beautiful.]” My cheeks flare up. I hate it when he sees me blushing. It makes me feel so vulnerable. I guess that doesn't really matter right now, does it? He laughs at my expense. “[You weren't kidding when you said you missed me,]” he signs.
“[The sarcasm isn't appreciated right now.]”
“[As if you'd have it any other way.]”
I give him a sincere smile, baring my teeth. He does the same. “[You're right,]” I reply. “[I wouldn't.]”
“[That's what I thought.]” He pulls me back into his arms, nestling his chin on my head and holding me tightly at my waist. My hands snake up his back, just holding him close. How he got here, I don't know. Nor do I care. All that matters is that he /is/ here.
His heart keeps beating in an arrhythmic tandem. I don't know why, but it's soothing. To know he's alive, maybe? To feel just how real he is? Always was a mystery to me. But it still feels right. There I go being cliche again.
I break the embrace this time. There's one regret that still lingers on me. And I still need to make it up to him.
“[I love you,]” I sign slowly. With feeling. With meaning. The smile on his face is the biggest that I've ever seen it.
“[I love you, too.]” Blushing again. Curse this boy.
“[It's been a long December, Hisao.]”
“[Too long, if you ask me.]”
I mimic a giggle. I haven't felt happy enough to laugh in months. “[Why don't you make it up to me?]”
He smiles again. “[I think I can manage that.]” He turns around, extending his hand toward me. “[Come on. I'll walk you home.]”
I accept his offer. Our fingers lock together. The rain keeps falling, but the sun doesn't need to shine on me anymore. He lights up my life so much as it is.