Slow Dancing In A Burning Room (Lilly)

Slow Dancing In A Burning Room


I don't know how it happened. The rest of the school is reaching a fever point, the pressure of exams is about to give way to the flood of relief that is summer vacation, and it's only a day away. Everyone else can't await, everyone else can't stop talking about their plans for the break, things they'd like to do, things they'd like to see. But I...

All I can think about are the things I might never see again.

We sit there, together, on her bed. I'm glancing around her now empty room, and she's content to just be there next to me, eyes closed. Even though she can't join me in taking in the now desolate surroundings, I'm sure she can feel it too. There's something about having empty walls, bare floors, a plain and neatly made bed. What she can't see, she must feel, and I imagine every touch says the same thing. I reach over and our hands meet, our fingers intertwining, but even this is the same.

Every touch says goodbye.

This is the last night we'll have together, tomorrow, Lilly is leaving for Scotland. And even though we haven't said it, we both know that this is it. It's over. The brief time we had together, that short period when my life began to unfold and spread out before me as something raw and real that I loved every bit of, it's all coming to an end.

The future is as dark as the cloudy, damp sky outside the window. The rest of the world is gearing up, the rest of the world is all excitement and energy and we're...

I open my mouth, but I don't know what to say. I don't have the words. But every moment that passes is like a knife in my side, every one a grain of sand in the hourglass that I can't turn over. My time with Lilly is slipping away with every second that goes by, but I can't make them meaningful, I can't make them special.

My free hand balls into a fist, and somehow, Lilly manages to sense it. Even with her blindness, she'll always be able to see more than me sometimes.

“Hisao...” She whispers. She sounds defeated, a strained, distant expression on her face. She doesn't know what to say either.

As much as her presence, her voice, always seems to calm me, tonight it just doesn't work. My fist begins to tremble, I grit my teeth, trying to suppress the mix of rage and despair that rolls somewhere in my chest, next to my faulty heart. I don't want to be angry, I don't want this to be how our last night together goes, I don't want to leave a stain on the memory of our last time together. But I feel trapped, and even though my future at college and work as a teacher looks easily within my grasp, somehow, it all seems empty now.

I'll be worse than Mutou. I'll be like the teachers at my old school, the empty, burned out ones who dispense homework and shuffle off to some bar at night to forget the troubles that steadily pile up as they grow older.

I stand up, releasing Lilly's hand. She says nothing in response.

I'll be fine. I'm still in high school, I've got a long life ahead of me, there's plenty more to see and do and who knows, I might even, I might even...

I turn back to look at the beautiful, beautiful girl sitting on the bed behind me. She stares straight ahead at nothing, doing everything in her power to look serene and composed. But her facade is starting to crack.

I won't. I know I won't.

I'll never meet another Lilly, as long as I live.

“Hisao, you...” She turns her face in my direction, approximating my location. Spot on, as usual.
“Do you think you'll do well on the last of your exams?” She asks, her voice regaining some measure of control.

Back to the strained, semi-casual talk we've been forcing ourselves to go through for the past few days. Lilly, Lilly, I'm breaking down. Can't you break down with me? Please. Please, this hurts, I know it hurts you too.

But she won't say it. She can't say it. So I won't either.

“Yeah, I think the worst is over by now.” I reply slowly. I'm not as good at controlling myself as she is. I wonder just how long she's had a skill like that down. “What about you?”

She smiles. How many more times will I be able to see that smile? To see her face at all? I don't want to waste this on exams, I don't give a damn about them.

“I've been doing pretty well, I think. It's been difficult, what with the packing and the preparations...” She trails off, her smile faltering. There. Please, let's just go back to things that matter.

“Yeah, this place looks empty now.” I say softly. She nods.

“But it looks like you forgot to pack a few things.” I gesture to the clock on her nightstand, and she tilts her head. Right. “Your alarm clock?” I add.

“Ah.” She nods again. “Well, I could use the alarm on my phone, but I wanted to hear this one, just one more... just one more time.” She ends the thought in a hushed tone. There.

There. Lilly. I step back towards her, touching her hand. She looks up at me, her expression clouded again, clearly struggling to hold in her emotions. I wish she didn't have to try. I wish she'd just let it out. Maybe I could too, maybe, maybe we'd kiss and make up and I could tell her that I don't want her to go, that I'll be lost without her.

But she doesn't. And I don't. She takes my hand and stands up, mere inches away from me.

“Hisao.” She breathes, and I can only make out the slightest trembling in her voice. It's all I'm going to get, I think.

It's all we're going to get.

As empty as I feel inside, I reach forward and pull her to me, and she accepts my embrace, resting the side of her head on my shoulder, I can smell her hair, her skin. It's little things like this that always slip your mind, until they're gone forever, I imagine. Will I be haunted by the memory of her body next to mine? Will I wake up, alone in my bed, and look back and curse myself for being so weak in this moment?

It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all? Somehow I guess I was hoping I would never have to find out. That I would never have to lose anything.

I guess I've always been into fairy tales.

Lilly gently reaches for the clock on her nightstand, and her nimble fingers find the buttons she seeks. A speaker kicks on, and a soft, smooth melody begins to play.

“A CD-player too, huh? That's fancy.” I mumble, unable to think of anything else to say. She nods, and then returns her attention to me, grasping my hands. She deposits them on her sides and then moves in close, eyes tightly shut.

She looks like she wants to cry. I probably don't look much better. But she doesn't want to cry, she won't let herself cry. Instead, she wants to...

“You know how to dance?” I ask softly, and she offers a suppressed giggle, which is followed by a quick sniffle. It's hard to change gears so quickly, but again, it looks like something she's used to.

“Of course.” She says. “You do too, right?”

“...Not really.” I reply, my voice barely more than a whisper. I'm glad she can't see my face right now. The music playing is something slow and steady, it offers to carry me away.

“It's not... it's not that hard.” Lilly forces a smile onto her face, her efforts plainly visible. “Just do as I do.”

“Okay.” I breathe.

She takes the lead, and slowly, gently, we begin to dance, surrounded by the bare walls and empty floor and happy memories that we won't be able to relive. My movements are clumsy, but hers are patient and practiced, she knows this song well. I wonder how many times she's listened to it and wished that she had someone here to dance to it with?

How many times will I hear it, or all kinds of music in general, and wish that I... wish that...

Lilly's grip on me tightens as I begin to falter, and her serene expression cracks again. But she doesn't say anything, she doesn't let a single tear escape.

She's so strong. I wish I could be as strong as her.

I wish neither of us had to be.

We continue to dance, but as the time goes on, nothing remains for us. Nothing but the thought of our last tomorrow together, and the dark of the cold night outside.







“Slow Dancing In A Burning Room” is a song by John Mayer.