Hi everyone. With everything that's been going on in the world recently, especially concerning me, I felt like I had to say something to try and set things straight. I made a statement in Balder, but in retrospect I don't think it was enough. I've made this thread to talk about how I feel about all this. And maybe more specifically, to try and stop my career and reputation in this game from flying into a ditch from which it can never come out. And yeah, I know some snide people will scoff that I'm [i]finally[/i] entering damage control mode, but let's be real, not one of you would want to be in the situation I'm in. It's only natural that I want to keep doing stuff and having fun in NS, and that will require a decent bit of falling to my knees and begging the mercy of people much more powerful than me. Given the summary declaration that I'm unwelcome in Europeia, the amount of manoeuvring it took to even keep my citizenship in Balder and the fact that for the last week, I've been a pariah in GP, I think it's about time to just get this all out.

I want to start by asking you all not to think of me as a player, but as a person. Hi, I'm Simon. I'm a Canadian, born and raised in Ottawa. I enjoy video games, swimming, writing stories, and spending time on the internet, specifically on this here browser game. NationStates, its community and its people have complemented some of the best times of my life, and helped me through some of the bad ones. And I want you to read this as yourself. Not as whatever identity you go by in NS, whether it's Cormac, Onderkelkia or Shadoke. Look beyond just what your and my nation names, signatures and flags say and let's think of each other as real people instead.

NS and the people in it are part of my life blood. My friends here keep me going, help me out, and in return I try to be good to them, even when in-game disagreements get messy. The things I've done with my friends here have been immensely fun and given me valuable lessons about friendship, decency, etc. I want to keep those good times rolling. And that requires good will, from me, and from the people I interact with.

Last week, I did something really shitty. So let me run down what happened, objectively. Because there have been misconceptions that have made things seem worse than they actually are. I, and my region Firehelm, raided the region of Anarchy. One native took it upon himself to set up a Discord server to orchestrate a resistance against occupying forces. Instead, he got a load of raiders coming in and spamming his server. He set up separate channels for natives and raiders. Unlike the rest of the raiders, leader Shadoke and I posed as natives (or in my case, an anarchist who wanted to free the region), and gained his trust. This also means I didn't spam the server. Shadoke promised that he would clean up raider spam if he was granted ownership of the server, which Deathfall (the native) fell for, and also granted me admin powers. Shadoke and I discussed in PM our plans to take over the server. Deathfall said to me that he would rather just start a new server since he didn't think the one filled with raider spam as worth saving.

I acted before Shadoke could, simply wanting the pleasure of having done it myself instead of waiting for him. I stripped Deathfall of his own admin powers, flew the Firehelm flag over the server and, most importantly, I deleted two channels. I didn't think much of it at the time, but to my recollection it was the natives and raiders channels. The native channel was just me, Shad and Deathfall, and all of our trickery. The raider channel was, if I recall correctly, filled with spam from the raiders, as I said earlier. And if I'm wrong, Deathfall can feel free to correct me.

Aside from that, no irreversible damage was done to the server. Eventually it was given back to Deathfall, and that's where the story ends. Is it something I'm proud of? No. I was jovial at the time, having absolutely pranked a hapless native and gotten his hopes up over what ultimately turned out to be nothing. What I regret most is the level of dickery I fell to. When you raid, you have standards. Be polite. Be professional. You probably know how that ends. But I threw those standards to the side when I did the exact same thing I've always accused other raiders of doing, something that hurts our brand- that being to go out of your way to be an asshole, and fuck over natives more than you need to, just because you can. I did it coldly and without compassion, empathy or sufficient thought to it.

But more than that, what surprised me was the strong reaction garnered when Deathfall spread the word about what happened. I suddenly found myself being shunned and shut out by my own organization, and Shadoke himself. When I did this, I didn't think of how it would reflect upon the various regions and communities I participate in, either. I didn't think about how I was part of Balder's government, and that I needed to act in a manner that lives up to the merit of the position, which I certainly did not.

What irks me the most is all the buzzwords being applied. Particularly the invocation of the COPS treaty. Let me make myself perfectly clear that there isn't an excuse for what I did as an act of malice to someone undeserving, but it wasn't a violation either way. Discord does not fall within the treaty's definition of off-site property, period. It's not a forum, it's a VoIP service with built in IRC chats. The only meaningful thing that separates it from Skype is the presence of multiple sub-channels within one server. [b]And on that note, it's probably a good idea to re-draft the agreement to include Discord, which didn't even exist at the time of signing.[/b]

So I want you all to look at what I did, and judge me accordingly. Don't look at it as a simple question of whether I destroyed a forum or not (I didn't), because it's more complicated than that. Look at it from a moral standpoint. And by that standard, it was a shitty thing to do, no doubt about it. I'm sorry for playing Deathfall, I'm sorry for soiling Firehelm's reputation and I'm sorry for failing to act in a manner becoming of my various positions. The discipline I received by being kicked out of Firehelm is justified, and so was my removal from Balder's Ministry of Culture, even if I disagreed at first. I've heard no end of scolding from a lot of people, and God knows I've learned my lesson from all this.

What's most disheartening to me is that people would rather make an example out of me than let me move on from my mistake. They'd rather say that since I technically engaged in property destruction, I should be banned and blacklisted from communities across the site, declared unwelcome and kept away like a bad influence. They won't see me for who I am, a person with a personality and a lot to offer. And I'm immensely grateful to my friends for helping me get through this, people who can back me up and stand by me. I want to redeem myself and work to regain the trust I betrayed in people whose faith were shattered by my mistakes. I want to show you all that there is so much more to me and what I can do than just this one, poorly thought out, ill-considered act. I will not be defined by this, and I want everyone to realize that I too am a person who wants to have fun, to partake in this game's awesome culture. I don't want people to immediately reject me and turn me out, trying to get me banned and kicked from various regions and channels before I'm even given the chance to prove myself. And I know that I didn't take that into nearly as much consideration that I should have when I did what I did. That's why I'm asking you all to be better people than I was, which I know I don't deserve.

I've received my punishment in the form of a permanent ban from the organization I represented when I did this, an organization I was committed to and worked hard to ensure its success. I've been demoted from my job in Balder, where I was working my ass off to fulfill my obligations and prove my commitment to the region. This is fine; it's my due. I should have considered what it meant not only for my own morality but the reputation of these regions when I did something so bad. But I don't want regions pre-emptively banning me, declaring me unwelcome, like Europeia has and I expect many have been considering in the last few days. I don't want to be driven from this community when I still have so much to contribute. In the coming days, I want to do my best to repent for my crime, and work to prove that I really can be trusted, that I am worthy of your respect and worthy of a chance to help out. Worthy of at least being allowed into regions and given a chance to help.

Just grant me that mercy at the very least. If there is anything else I can do for people who are wary, people who have reservations about me, just say it and I will do my damnedest to make it better. Thank you all for taking the time to read this big text wall. I look forward to more productive and harmonious times in the future.

tl;dr: I fucked up. I pulled the trigger. I was wrong. I accept that I was wrong. I understand there will be consequences. I ask for mercy, for you all to know that I have learned from my transgression, and that you'd give me the opportunity to move past it and do right. And understand that I am not trying to worm out of it, finger point at someone else, or in any other way appear to be trying to be unaccountable for my part. I'm not making demands either. Only asking to be treated like a person who made a mistake, not just some face that committed a grave crime.