Advertisement
Guest User

Untitled

a guest
Jan 17th, 2017
145
0
Never
Not a member of Pastebin yet? Sign Up, it unlocks many cool features!
text 13.75 KB | None | 0 0
  1. yushiferui'll be posting this to all of my social media so that no one is left in the dark.
  2.  
  3. im sorry if this sprung up suddenly, or if perhaps this seems out of line or reckless, but tonight i've been engulfed by exhaustion; by hopelessness and submission.
  4.  
  5. as you all probably know, i'm yuu.
  6. also known as jack, jin, my deadname.. amongst other things. regardless of what you know me as, this may very well be the last thing you hear from me. in the end, i guess i'm just a coward.
  7.  
  8. for years, life has been bleak, and has treated me poorly. with a physically and psychologically abusive mother, living at home was hard, even from a young age. it still seemed normal then, though - i had a whole family. my father to rely on when my mother scared me. a sister to play with and recall the feeling of innocence.
  9. my parents' divorce, occuring no later than i was 9 or 10, was when things really took a turn for the worst. my mother had always pushed her limits throughout the duration of the marriage, and fights happened often (luckily never physical), but my mother cheating on my father was the final straw for him. he finally realized it was time for them to separate.
  10. my mom had custody over my sister and i, and without my dad as a filter, i was the singular target of her abuse. i was always more outspoken than my sister ever was, and i had never kept quiet about my thoughts on the divorce or my mother's role in it. she interpreted it as disrespect, when in reality, i felt betrayal. i couldn't understand - why would anyone want to tear a family apart like that? what kind of mother can do that so thoughtlessly? my father was the only real outlet i had from the abuse. i felt more connected to him than my mother, and with him gone, i began to slowly break down. my mom beat me more often. she'd call me a demon, a bitch, any horrible name that came to mind on the spot for her. she'd cut open my lips, whip me, slam me into the wall by my hair. i'm sure even now, she'd deny it. even if she read this note and saw the words of her dead child, she'd deny it, and claim she didn't remember any of it. (continued in comments)
  11. yushiferubut i remember.
  12. i remember sobbing uncontrollably in my sister's room when my mom's anger went too far and she threw my ipod across the room, smashing it to pieces. i remember the look in her eyes, as though she were going to kill me. i remember not being able to do anything but take heaving breaths and wail, because my own mother made me fear for my life. i remember my EIGHT year old sister having to call the POLICE because i was unable to form sentences. the only thing that spilled out of my mouth were traumatized moans.
  13.  
  14. i remember my mom lying straight to the police officer's face, right in front of me. i remember the terror i felt knowing that, truly, i could do nothing. i was trapped.
  15.  
  16. i remember the times i trembled on my knees in the kitchen, clutching a knife with white knuckles, a voice ringing in my head, demanding that i kill her. demanding that i end the torment right there, unending no matter how much i willed it to stop. no matter what, i felt choked and unsafe in my own home. first, unable to trust my mother, and then, unable to trust myself.
  17.  
  18. entering middle school only made things worse. i was in a state of mind that didn't allow me to empathize with anyone in the slightest. in a time that i was forced to mature on my own, to keep to myself as a defense mechanism against constant abuse, i felt alienated from the student body. these were kids who still had their innocence. kids who didn't know what it meant to have to rely on themselves constantly, or to feel utterly alone and helpless in a place that should feel like home.
  19.  
  20. i had no friends in middle school. all middle school did was draw out more insecurities. why couldn't i be like other kids? was it because i looked different? did my actions and personality drive people away? it was as though the internet, an outlet i had since i was in elementary school, was the only place i could feel like a part of a whole. behind the mask of anonymity, i could be whoever i wanted.
  21. yushiferuof course, to everyone else, this was interpreted as obsession. someone who was obsessed with their computer; someone strange. i suppose they weren't wrong. my reliance on the computer far surpassed that of any of my peers.
  22.  
  23. around this time, perhaps 6th grade, was when i started questioning my identity. this was likely because of the numerous insecurities that were accumulating, and i didn't know what to do with them. labels were my only solution to the constant alienation in both a school and home environment. i experimented with my sexuality, trying to drown my insecurities. in a way it helped, and in a way i only separated myself further from the populous. i went to three different middle schools, one for each year, simply because of how lonely it felt. and yet, as the years came and went, that loneliness never went away.
  24.  
  25. while all of this was happening, my mental state grew worse. by the time i was 12, i had frequent suicidal thoughts, delusions, destructive urges, and dissociated often. my coping mechanisms also became more complicated as time passed. projecting myself onto various characters of media seemed to help me feel grounded the most. media such as anime, movies, and video games stayed constant. they never changed, nor did the characters. if my world, or even my identity, was slipping from my grasp, the world of fiction was always there, remaining unchanging, for me to latch onto.
  26. as i grew, my possessiveness towards people increased as well. after years of being abandoned time and time again, i became afraid of the cycle. i had no long-term friends, and i was no one's favorite, or even their best friend. i was forgettable; fleeting. replaceable. that terrified me. i became more and more attached to the people i met, doing everything i could to make sure they didn't leave me. i fixated on certain people at a time, idolizing them. my mood was dictated by everything they did. even now, i remember the names of my favorite people as they came and went. all they did was leave me more unstable in a normal environment.
  27. yushiferucome high school, i was a wreck. my functionality was far from that of a normal high school student, especially the one i currently attend. the only thing i had to my name was my iq, something that grew useless over time. high school meant diligence, something i didnt have. by now, i had been admitted to the hospital, diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, and drugged up daily. and with each passing day, keeping up grew harder.
  28.  
  29. now, i realize its finally time to give up. moments of happiness are fleeting, and misery overcomes me far too quickly. the smallest things send me spiraling into depressive episodes, and it takes me several days to crawl back out. even the one person who makes me the happiest cant cheer me up, and i feel miserable thinking of how much pain i put them through. i cant bear it, and i'm far too selfish to deserve them. all i do is hurt them, and i hope they are able to find someone better when i'm gone. i just don't know how i'm supposed to live a life with so little happiness. i just can't see it happening.
  30.  
  31. my potential as a student is lost as well. i cant study effectively, and thinking about my future makes me afraid. i know my grades can't get better with the behavior i have, and i dont know if i can change it. my family expects great things of me, but i simply can't achieve them. i'm too broken. even artistically, i'm not professional enough to pursue a career. i can't excel anywhere. i belong nowhere, and i have no future ahead. i've failed, and living with failure is far more painful than death.
  32. yushiferui'm sorry to my father, for constantly lying about myself and putting up a farce that made the truth even more painful for him.
  33. im sorry for the day you first saw my scarred arms, and the first time you had to drive me to the hospital in the morning, and the second, and the third, and the fourth. i'm sorry for not being the child you wish i was. i'm sorry for not becoming a famous astrophysicist and discovering the key to nuclear fusion, or a wonderful freelance animator whose canvas never ends. im sorry for being so unreasonable, so violent, so cold... and for taking advantage of everything you've done for me. i'm sorry for casting this upon you. im sorry for being a child you simply cant understand. if you feel guilty, please don't, i promise that if it weren't for you, this would have happened much sooner. i couldnt ask for a kinder, more compassionate father. i'm sorry that tonight had to be the trigger for all of this. it was far deeper than a broken hard disc.
  34. my singular request is that if i successfully end my life tonight, i am buried under the name 'jack' instead of my birth name, and that you call me your son, not your daughter. its a selfish wish, but i want to be remembered for the person i was, not the person you wish i was. i love you, dad. i'm sorry.
  35.  
  36. and to my mother, i'm not sure how to start. the reality is, you ruined my life, you really did. i believe that if you had acted differently, i would not be in this position. i may have even stayed with you instead of moving in with dad. but you didn't act differently. you abused me. that's the reality. but still, you're my mother, and deep down i do appreciate everything you did for me as my mom. you raised me, taught me manners, and kept me connected to my family in colombia. and i truly do love you. i was never trying to disrespect you, even if thats what you thought. i was merely trying to cope. and i'm sorry for acting so violently. perhaps you were trying to cope too, and just couldn't understand my behavior. i'm sorry for being so mean to the baby, when nothing is her fault. i'm sorry for handling things so poorly.
  37. yushiferumy request to you is that you seek out therapy yourself. throughout these years, you denied you needed help, but it could be good for you, i promise. therapy isnt just for people with problems. please, try to see someone. you would be surprised how much it can help. i love you, mom.
  38.  
  39. to lynn ravenschlag, i want to say thank you for accepting me as though i were a part of your family. you thanked me for keeping eva happy for the past year, but really, it should be me who says thank you. you have been so supportive of not only me, but eva as well. the two of us love each other very much, and ive really never met someone who i connect with more - and i would never be able to have this sort of relationship without your help. thanks to you, i was able to visit florida and see eva in person more than once, and really know what it feels like to be in love. thank you for a wonderful metrocon, a wonderful christmas, and for being such a compassionate, caring person. as someone with a relentlessly abusive mother, i admire you for taking care of your children so well. being a mother of three is hard, especially trying to be fair to them all, and i have an intense amount of admiration for someone who can do that and remain kindhearted. in a way, i thought of you as my mom, too. you treated me so well for the duration i stayed at your house, and i would never be able to express my gratitude in words. thank you so, so much.
  40. my request to you, if it's not selfish to ask, is to please take care of eva. if i successfully carry out my plan, she'll need it now more than ever. even if its not on purpose, there are things you simply don't understand about her.. and while that's not your fault, it's important to be gentle with her. she's sensitive, and can't help it. i ask that you stay by her side and support her, and keep her feelings in mind as much as you can help it. i'm sorry if this is troublesome. again, thank you for everything.
  41. yushiferuand lastly, my note to kichi
  42. mika, kichi, eva, theo, soren... i want to remember every name you ever went by while i knew you. i consistently called you either kichi or mika, but each name holds a significance in my heart, because its you. its you, the most kindhearted, patient, empathetic, beautiful person ive ever met. i love you more than you could ever fathom. more than any stupid words can describe, or any stupid peck on the cheek could ever express. i love you so, so much, enough to feel at ease just thinking of your face and your voice and the way your eyes light up when you smile and the way your hand feels in mine. the past year of dating you has been the greatest year of my life. not because of any of the events that happened, simply because in the past 11 months i could call you mine, and that feeling is both eternal and indescribable. as time passed i've never stopped being in love with you, and i get the same flutter in my chest that i did in october of 2015. you are what i'm going to miss the most. i'm so sorry for doing this to you. i'm sorry for bringing you nothing but pain. i'm sorry for all the times you felt responsible for my episodes, or the times i lashed out at you during breakdowns. i'm sorry for absolutely everything. i never deserved you, and i always knew that. you're so, so beautiful. i can't name a single person who would deserve you. i adore you so much. i'm sorry for everything i've done.
  43. my request to you is to live. please, carry on and remember me. you're the one person i trusted not to forget about me. i want you to live until our first anniversary, and our second, and our third. i want you to never forget how much i love you. if you die, i'll be forgotten. please, even if it's selfish of me to ask, live. live for me. i love you, and i always will. no matter what. i'll absolutely never stop loving you. i'm sorry for leaving you. i love you. i love you. i love you.
  44.  
  45. i'm truly thankful for all of you. all of you who sent me a message, shot me a hello, started up a conversation that made me think twice about killing myself. i'm sorry it had to end this way. i'll never forget any of you.
  46.  
  47. i love you.
  48.  
  49. goodbye.
Advertisement
Add Comment
Please, Sign In to add comment
Advertisement