Jokes

Jokes for Mrs Marrs' class

—I once farted in an elevator, which was wrong on so many levels.

—What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A Gummy Bear.

—What does a nosy pepper do?
Get jalapeño business.

—What's red and isn't there?
No Tomatoes.

—What's an advantage of being Swiss?
The flag is a big plus!

—What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!

—How do you get a dog to stop barking in the front seat?
Put him in the back seat.

—What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.

—My dad is a structural engineer. He's always complaining about stress at work.

—What do you call a factory that produces quality goods?
A satisfactory.

—What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
Sneakers!!

—What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

—I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn’t find any.

—Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

—My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper.
Looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and date again.

—What rock group has 4 men who can't sing?
Mount Rushmore.
(Don't take this joke for granite)

—I went to see a theatrical performance on language.
It was just a play on words.

—RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

—Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

—I took the stairs today, but then I got arrested for theft.

—My computer beat me in chess, but I won against it in kickboxing.

—Do spiders in Europe have 2.4354 meters instead of 8 feet?

—My girlfriend said she needs time and distance. Is she calculating velocity?

—If animals don't want to be eaten then why are they made of food?

—If Einstein was so smart then why is he dead?

—What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Ye'd think it be "R", but a pirate's first love always be the "C"

—Why do people come back from the baby changing station with the same baby?

—Do math majors graduate with a degree or a radian?

—If I bought a balloon for $1, how much should I sell it when adjusting for inflation?

—If there is a finite amount of matter in the universe, how can Olive Garden offer unlimited salad and breadsticks?

—Why do soldiers use lead and not acids to neutralize the enemy base?

—How can Mercury poison our fish if it is 77 million Km away from us?

—What do you call a Frenchman who wears beach shoes?
Philippe Philoppe.

—Make $100 really fast:
Attach it to a rocket.

—What do you call a dog on a submarine?
A subwoofer.

—I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.

—A dyslexic devil worshiper sold his sole to santa

—Inspecting mirrors is a job I could easily see myself doing.

—Why don't blind people sky dive?
It scares their dogs.

—Q: What did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?
A: Get in the batmobile

—What's grey and can't swim?
A castle.

—What do a grape and a rabbit have in common?
They're both purple except for the rabbit

—I saw an ad 'radio for sale, $1 , volume stuck on full "I thought to myself "I can't turn that down"

—A good artist knows where to draw the line

—Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

—The new cemetery is popular. People are dying to get in.

—There's nothing special about the sun; it's just a load of hot gas

—http://goo.gl/Flxxel