hansje

"The other day I was home alone, right, in my apartment. And well yeah it was all fine and stuff, so I was sitting in my apartment and I thought, you know, I'm home alone, it's my apartment, I can do what I want. So I took off my clothes. Then I walked naked through my house, and it was all okay and stuff. And then I was feeling my body, you know my body, I can do what I want and it was all okay. And then in the corner of the room I saw.. small pants! Very small pants, and well they're not mine, I don't have small pants like that. It were the pants of my girlfriend. So uh yeah I was looking at these pants and you know what you do when you're naked and home alone. I was looking at these pants and suddenly I decided to get it! So I run to the little pants. Then I grab the pants, hold it in my one hand, and then I hold it in my other hand! And then I think, it's my apartment, I'm home alone, so I put on the pants. And it was very weird, and some hairs were like 'I'm not getting in there' and I was like 'yes you are!' so I pushed those in the pants too! And then I was standing there in the pants in my apartment. At home I have this big mirror right so I stood in front of the mirror and then I pulled the small pants very tight between my buttcrack. But hey take note, TIGHT. Because well otherwise it'd make no sense. And I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought 'Jesus Hans. What the fuck are you doing?' But then I looked again and thought 'Well, well Hans, actually you are a pretty hot tiger!' is what I thought, mmm. Well then I was done with the small pants, ripped them off threw them away. And then on the table I saw a Mars! A Mars! So I ran for it! And I look at this Mars, and I thought 'I'm naked so you too!' So I rip the paper off and I think 'Now it's between you and me, Mars, Mars.' So I grab the Mars with my sweaty hands, and it starts to melt a little, and I start squeezing it in my hand and I feel the caramel between my fingers. Then I went back to the mirror and THERRRRE WE GO. *rubs imaginary Mars between buttcrack* And I think NICE, now it's time to call my mom. So I call my mom, and I say 'Mom, you would never guess what I have between my buttcheeks!' So she starts guessing 'Uh I don't know, Bounty, Nuts, M&M's..' 'Why the fuck would I put M&M's in my ass mom what are you thinking?!' 'Well, what is it then?' I say 'A Mars!' She says 'Well boy, if that's what you enjoy, you should definitely
do that!' And that's my mom, great woman! My dad is completely different, very sweet man, but very different. The other day I was visiting him in his apartment. And I thought, God, that's my dad, we know each other ya know. So I took off my clothes, strolled through his house on all fours shouting 'I'm a swine! I'm a swine!' And then my dad was like 'Yeah.. I don't really feel like it.' He's just a different type of person ya know, different type."