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Aug 3rd, 2015
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  1. This weekend I'm here in Long Beach, Long Island, where last year my parents moved into a luxury condo building on the beach. Ever see Boardwalk Empire? Imagine where Nucky lived. The building is divided into two competing factions: the "poor rich," of which my parents are a part, the people who made a bunch of money by holding executive positions at major corporations over the course of many years. Then there are the "rich rich," who own the major corporations. Through my parents' residence here, I've learned telling things I never knew about the rich. This is going to be long, but if you're a socialist class-war type, you're going to want to hear this, so read on. You can use this.
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  3. There have been two major controversies in the building recently. The first involves a Russian arms dealer who was trying to buy one of the condos. He boasts that he sells weapons to close to 10 countries, some of which are recognized by the United Nations, others of which are not. Basically, when you see photos of gay people being thrown off the roofs of buildings by ISIS, it's this guy's fault. Before he would buy the condo, the arms dealer had certain demands. First, he wanted approval to replace his windows with bulletproof glass. Second, he wanted to refit the building's elevators with steel walls. Third, he wanted 12 armed guards stationed throughout the building. Every one of these guards would be a veteran of either South African Special Forces, the Russian Spetsnaz or one other badass, above-international-law foreign armed service I forget, probably Israel's, it's always Israel. Under pressure from the condo's Board of Directors, he eventually buckled on the third demand and generously agreed to only one armed guard next to his car in the parking garage, wearing fatigues and holding an assault rifle.
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  5. Most people in the building wanted to sell to the arms dealer, apparently not quite making the connection between "bulletproof glass" and "people may be shooting at the building." Their rationale was that 1) he agreed to pour hundreds of thousands of dollars into the building's capital fund as a sort of thank you for turning the building into Actual Russia, and 2) who really cares, it's not a big deal. A vocal minority, I get the sense led by the "poor rich," opposed the sale. For my part, I was prepared to never visit again if he got his way. Fortunately, the controversy fixed itself yesterday -- the arms dealer's 19-year-old son, who was negotiating the deal through a series of meetings with the board surrounded by armed bodyguards, was "terminated" by his father for not getting along with his staff. This somehow set off a rapid chain of events that led to the arms dealer not being interested in the building anymore.
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  7. The second controversy is that the City of Long Beach wants to build, and has already started construction on, a "comfort station" directly outside the building's front entrance. Long Beach is building comfort stations, which include bathroom and shower facilities for the public, at regular intervals along the 2-mile beachfront boardwalk. Citing the potential use of the comfort station by homeless people and other assorted rabble, as well as obstruction of ocean views from the building's hot tub, the new comfort station is universally opposed by the building's residents, who think of it as a great injustice and speak about it in the same terms as some people speak about Black Lives Matter. The condo is currently engaged in legal action against the city, and construction has been halted.
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  9. And that's pretty much all you need to know about rich people.
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