Dear Alcohol,


First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering
about your intentions.  While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place
after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends /
girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me
during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat at
KRYSTALS, or TACO BELL, or MCDONALDS and some cold French fries
(washed down with WINE & topped off with a Snickers bar after a few
cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think
you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing
me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into  the lock.

4. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a
little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire
day is shot. I  ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread  products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing
out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover
should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I
will look for an answer no later than THURSDAY 3pm (pre-happy hour) on
your possible solutions & hopeful ly we can continue this fruitful
partnership.


Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing