It took him until early july to finally grasp that there is no repairing our relationship. He has no concept of the gravity of his actions and stuck around this long because he still has feelings for me. Instead of learning personal responsibility he wanted confirmation that I was willing to repair what is beyond repair or that I keep him around for malicious intent. This is absurd.

Did you still have feelings for me when you were saying shit about wanting to buy a gun and go on an anti-woman shooting spree and that if I were smart I would stay inside that day? Did you still have feelings for me when you told the paramedics that I only intervened your suicide because I didn't want to feel responsible if you died? Did you still have feelings for me when you accused me of holding a proverbial gun to your head since all I would have to do to ruin your life was go to the police and cry "rape"? Did you still have feelings for me when you berated me for being female every day for a year and a half-- half of the time we were together?

He prioritized the reconstruction of a relationship that is absolutely beyond repair instead of getting back on his feet, finding a new place to live that /is not my bedroom in my tiny house/, and getting his life back together. Instead he sat and played videogames and looking at TF2 poops on youtube. He has learned nothing. I broke this off back in april and still he is in my house, up until now was riding false hopes of repairs that I will not allow to happen.

To then cite my initial "maybe" from back in april is ridiculous when I have said "no" since then.
He abused me for a long time and I put up with it. I can put up with an incredible amount of bullshit. I was scared I would never find anyone else, that this was the best I could hope to get after my last ex. I would rather be alone than feel I must fight to validate my existence because of genitalia I did not choose.

He never hit me but the things he told me felt just as bad. I never struck him, but I did grab him by the shoulders to hold him still to listen to me-- I will not deny that. To go off about how I do not care about his/men's issues while dehumanizing me is absolutely unacceptable and incorrect. How I care is different from how emotionally-driven people care, but it does not mean it is invalid just because it is different.

I raised $1000 to move him half across the country out of a bad living environment back in early-mid 2012. I put up with and provided support for his disabilities. I even saved his life. Despite these things, according to him I am simply here to cause disturbance by letting him live in my house because he had nowhere else to go, and this somehow means I do not care about him or that I have ulterior motives. Nothing has changed; he is simply more docile in his actions.

I have some news for you, then:

I am done being pushed around. I am done with abusers. I am done with feeling like I will never find better than someone with insecurities so large they are black holes that I get sucked into and further ridiculed for. I am done having literally no privacy in my house except when I need to use the bathroom (and even that is not guaranteed because of my mother). I am done with feeling like I must accrue and hold guilt that does not belong to me. I am tired of feeling less than human.

I am done with him.